What do you do if your husband is not adventurous in bed–and you’re getting kind of bored?
On Mondays I like to answer a reader question via video, because a lot of questions I’ve actually answered now in the past, so I’d like to make it more accessible in other forms, too. And then I’ll link to other things I’ve written on it. So here’s my answer:
I discovered your blog just a couple of days ago and it was really a blessing! i grew up in a church where we never spoke about sex and I grew up thinking that this is something “that you have to do to please your husband”. After we got married, we read a book about it and we learned that this is something that God created to be a pleasure and joy for both of us…and so it is. But my husband doesn’t want to get adventurous in bed. He always wants to do the same thing- 2 positions. I don’t know what to do. I’m bored of them. He doesn’t want to do oral sex because he said that it’s gross. I’m thinking that this is because before we married he used to watch porn and now he is ashamed. He did counselling for that and he is a free man, a wonderful man..but how can I convince him to have fun and to try new things?
Great question! Now let’s try to work through this.
Porn Can Make a Person Shy in Bed
He may not want to associate what he saw before with the marriage at all. And that can take some time to heal, to feel as if he can be truly intimate and lose himself with you. He may not want to risk his mind going back there. So I’d say: Keep talking to him about it. Try to rebuild intimacy slowly–spend a lot of time touching while you’re naked; talk while you’re naked, do a lot of massage together! Let him get totally comfortable with your body and let him start to associate feeling close with you with feeling aroused. That’s what ends up giving freedom!
Hot and Holy are Not Polar Opposites
I’ve written before that hot and holy should not be seen as two separate things. For more reading on this:
- The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (there’s a whole chapter on it!)
- How Hot and Holy Go Together in the Bedroom
- Why I Spend So Much Time Writing about Steamy Sex
Try “His” and “Hers” Nights
When you ask for something because YOU want it, and you’d like him to help you out, that’s a different dynamic than “I think we should do this.” The first lets sex be something he does for you, so he doesn’t have to “own” the responsibility for initiating in the same way. The second needs to be him saying, “Yes, this is something I want to do!”, which can be more emotionally difficult. So you can try having “his” nights and “her” nights!
Some Great Resources to Help
Finally, I always find that sometimes when people hold back in bed, it’s easier for them to let go when it’s something external to them suggesting what to do, rather than them having to say, “let’s do this.” So you can try 31 Days to Great Sex, for instance, which takes you through exercises of fun things to do, but which also has days where the focus is on building intimacy.
Or you can try the Ultimate Intimacy App!
I talked about this in the video (and if you didn’t watch it, scroll to about 2/3 of the way and watch the demo of the app!). It’s really fun, and it can help you break that “boring in bed” vibe. Even if you just used it to randomly choose a position to try for a few minutes before moving on to one of his favourites (there are over 200 positions in the app!). There’s nothing gross in the app at all–no sex toys that could make people uncomfortable, nothing about fantasy or role playing or BDSM or anything. And there’s so much about building your emotional intimacy too, and making your marriage more romantic!
And the game is great. It prompts you through different things for about 2 minutes each (you can set the time for longer or shorter), and during that time you just do what it says. But because the app is so obviously marriage friendly, then it may make someone who is a little bit shy more open.
What if you’re the one who doesn’t want to get adventurous in bed?
Some help for you!
I hope those help! And don’t forget to check out the Ultimate Intimacy App.
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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.