Do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day–not just physically, but mentally, too?
Two weeks ago when I was giving my Girl Talk in western Ontario, I had an anonymous Q&A session when women could ask questions about sex. And each time I do the event, I always get very similar questions. And TONS of them relate to “how can I want sex if I’m just so tired all the time?” I’ve tackled being too exhausted for sex recently, but I thought I’d return to it since it’s such a common question with a more practical response (rather than just some tough love!)
So today I’m going to give you a bit of a pep talk–and 10 great ideas! But first, let’s go back to basics. God designed you to be married (and He designed women to be able to manage motherhood). He also designed you to have a GREAT marriage, which includes regular sex. I know we live in a very difficult, busy culture, but the fact remains–this should not be impossible. Having energy for sex SHOULD be something that we can figure out!
And energy for sex, I think, comes in two forms: mental and physical.
The more mental energy you have to spend on tiny “emergencies” that come up through the day–what am I going to make for dinner? Where did I put my car keys? What time is that doctor’s appointment again?–the more we’re going to feel tired because we feel as if there are all of these details we have to keep straight in our head or the whole world is coming tumbling down. Those are the days when we feel as if we’re moving at 120% all day, but then you look back and you wonder what you got done at all. It’s depressing.
That’s where organization can help. If you’re organized, you don’t have to waste mental energy on little things, and you can spend the time thinking about important things–or just breathing and enjoying life around you.
Sometimes, too, we feel chronically tired because we don’t take care of our bodies, or we don’t get enough sleep. You feel like you spend your life dragging. Combine that with putting out “little emergencies”, and you have a recipe for true exhaustion at night!
So that’s the goal for today’s post–how to get more physical energy, but also how to reduce those stressful “tiny emergencies” that leave us feeling worn out! The best strategy to make this post work for you is to pick 2 or maybe 3 changes that you’re going to implement–the 2 or 3 that would make the most difference NOW. Don’t try to change everything; pick a few and make real changes instead.
And thank you to my Facebook readers who answered my question about how to defeat exhaustion! Lots of other great thoughts there–and I’ve included some of their answers here, too.
Here we go!
How to Get More Physical Energy for Sex
1. Go to Bed at a Decent Time
It used to be that adults had a bedtime, too. Now most couples don’t go to bed together, and they stay up on video games, the internet, or another screen until they fall asleep. When you use a screen at night, your sleep is poor. And if you’re waiting to go to bed until you’re drifting off, of course you’ll be tired! If you need eight hours of sleep, calculate backwards 8 1/2 hours from when you get up. That gives you time to relax, be romantic, and drift off. And then go to bed!
2. Teach your kids to sleep
We love our kids. We don’t want them to cry. We want to comfort them. But here’s the thing: you can actually TRAIN your children to need you to go to sleep. Teaching a child to sleep on their own is a tremendous gift. It means when they’re tired, they can drift off. They don’t need something else (which is stressful!). I see so many parents who go through long routines with toddlers and elementary aged kids who just refuse to go to bed at night, and that completely wears out a mom. And kids who get up in the middle of the night? You need your sleep, too!
So a few quick things: kids sleep better at night if there are schedules during the day. Have small kids nap at the same time. Have them eat at the same time. Snacking throughout the day doesn’t lend itself to as good a sleep as eating good meals with some healthy snacks during the day. And a good bedtime routine, where you have a relaxing warm bath, read stories, cuddle, kiss, and sing, helps kids quiet down, relax, and get ready to drift off. If your kids aren’t sleeping well, talk to a mom who is about 10 years older than you who has kids who slept–and asked how she did it. Most moms who have kids who sleep would love to help impart their knowledge–because watching kids not sleep and watching moms get so warn out is so discouraging, when you know that sleep is possible!
3. Eat well–and that means healthy meals.
If you put junk into your body, your body won’t rest well. When we made the switch to eating real food (which simply means good food that you cook at home, rather than packaged food), we felt better, and I went from needing 9 hours of sleep at night to needing about 7 1/2–and still feeling rested!
If you don’t know where to start, take a look at the AWESOME Ultimate Healthy Meal Planning Bundle. It’s on a flash sale today only, and it’s got a ton of great resources both for meal planning–including planning in general, freezer cooking, batch cooking, and slow cooker cooking–but also how to cook healthy in the first place.
4. Go outside during the day
I went for a walk in the woods near our house this weekend!
I find getting outdoors helps me feel invigorated. So I try to have a walk everyday–and I’m Canadian! I do it even in the winter, even if it’s just going around the block. Fresh air helps the energy levels! (And going for a walk together after dinner helps you talk more, too!)
5. Drink water
It’s such a little thing–but do we do it? One woman said,
I need to drink enough water throughout the day. If I’m dehydrated I’m tired and irritable.
Yep. Me too. And if I get a headache, 9 times out of 10 it’s because I haven’t had enough to drink that day. I find I’m worse when I’m outside of the house during the day, too. So buy great water bottles to take with you everywhere you go! It’s a little thing, but it matters.
How to Get More Mental Energy for Sex
6. Know what you’re going to have for dinner the night before
Avoid those big “tiny emergencies” by having a plan. It doesn’t take much. And going through recipes and finding a new meal planning routine can be fun! Check out the Healthy Meal Planning Bundle for some awesome resources and ideas.
7. Do your “end of day” things before the “end of day”!
Here’s a great tip from someone on Facebook:
Try to get your ‘end of the day’ work done early. If I wait until the kids are in bed to clean up after dinner, make lunches, etc. I am too exhausted. But if I can keep on top off these throughout the day, I have much more energy for extra curricular activities.
Great thoughts! Another way of thinking about this is “only touch each thing once”. Instead of carrying a dirty dish to the counter and leaving it there, and then having to go back to that dish later, put it in the dishwasher right away, or wash the dishes right away. It doesn’t take that long, and if you do it earlier, then you can start to relax and unwind before bed, rather than needing a burst of energy to do things that you don’t really want to do anyway.
8. Take some breaks
There’s nothing more exhausting than being on the go all day, even if it’s just with little things. A number of Facebook readers mentioned the importance of breaks;
If I’ve got a full day going, I try and intentionally take a few five minute breaks throughout the day. Whether reading a couple pages of a book or doing a couple rows of knitting, it’s amazing how a small, quick activity just for you can give you a ton of extra energy!
Another woman wrote:
Try short do-absolutely-nothing breaks. It’s how I survived film school. I would go to my room, set my alarm for 10 or 15 minutes, lay on my bed and do absolutely nothing. Try to not even think. The alarm is so I didn’t even have to keep track of time. I found even this short break would give me the energy I needed for the rest of the day.
9. Limit Screen Time
If I spend a lot of time in front of a computer screen or on my phone, it feels like it zaps my energy level. And so many TV shows are depressing, anyway! Try not to watch screens right before bed. Play a board game as a couple instead! And doing more things that feed your soul and give you energy (like hobbies, devotions, talking) rather than just vegging in front of a screen helps you have more energy.
10. Lower Your Expectations About What Needs to Get Done
Finally, I want to end with this SUPER comment left by a Facebook reader. She writes:
Lower your expectations on what you feel you HAVE to do, HAVE to get done! If you are saying “no” to the time it takes for sex, it’s because you took the time to say “yes” to something else…was that something else worth it? That’s been a long time lesson learned for me, especially when my kids were younger and more physically exhausting to take care of. But I realized I didn’t want to say yes to a clean home if it meant later having to say no to time with my husband. So my house didn’t stay as clean…dishes didn’t always get done right after a meal – in fact, sometimes they got done while I was making the next meal.
😒 Not saying I recommend that, per se, but it was only for a season. (Now my kids are all old enough and take turns with the dishes lol!) So maybe think thru your day and talk to your spouse about it, see if there are things you could both say no to so that at the end of the day, you can say yes!
Great idea!
Now you have no excuse! 🙂 Watch my tough love video on being exhausted for sex if you need to as well, but I urge you to pick 2-3 things from this list and actually DO them. And don’t forget–the healthy meal planning bundle is gone tonight at midnight, and I think it’s one that can help everybody (I bought one for myself because I wanted to learn more about Instant Pot meals, too.)
What will make the biggest difference if you actually implemented it? Let me know in the comments, and let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a good round up. My question for today is related to the last point – I am not an awesome homemaker, and I know I need to let some things go because I can’t do it all and be present with my family. But being in a messy space also feeds my anxiety and puts me on edge, leading to tiredness and feeling overstimulated. How do you strike that balance?
Oh my gosh I can relate to that so much. And what we’ve done is simply get rid of like 75% of our stuff. I’ve learned my life is a lot easier if both husband and I only have a few pieces of clothes, all my crafting stuff is separated out into project bags so it’s not one giant pile when I’m sewing/knitting/crocheting and instead takes 30 seconds to put away, and when we purge our kitchen of unnecessary gadgets and get our daily dishes down to just what we need (we keep the rest in the china cabinet for when friends are over).
I just found that there were certain things that, if they didn’t get done, made me feel like a slob and I’d get lazy and cranky and really mad at Connor for no reason. And I was uncomfortable with giving them that much power in my marriage. So I found ways to make those tasks take almost no time and be super manageable because if I didn’t, they wouldn’t get done and that didn’t make for a happy home 🙂
I echo Rebecca. Purge purge purge. There’s been an uptick in interest in Japanese writer Marie Kondo’s Art of Decluttering. Though I’ve not read it, I infer that some of her idea’s are a bit radical (but I’ve also lived in Japan and know that storage in Japanese homes is at a premium). Nonetheless, there is a value in the core thought: things have a weight, mass, and that weight can weigh on your shoulders. Lessen the weight and feel less of the burden. I have a collection of records and books; if I pick up a book or record and DON’T think, ‘Oh, this is killer,’ then it’s probably time to unite that piece with someone who will love it like that. Keep what brings joy; shed what doesn’t. If that’s too daunting, start with the things that stir dread (e.g., that pen you used to use at that job you got laid off from). I’ve been delighted in how much more time I have for the people that are important to me as I’ve started offloading the things that no longer are.
Have you ever tried the “Top 5” method? I’ve done this with great success! So for me, what are the 5 things that make me feel like my house is neat? For me, they’re: Having the bed made. Having the dishes done. Having the counters cleaned off. Having a clean front entryway. Having a non-gross shower.
If those 5 things are done, I’m okay with the rest. Sometimes having your list that you ALWAYS do can help you feel relaxed. And then, of course, other tips would be: tidying to a timer (you can get a lot done in 10 minutes!), cleaning to a schedule, etc. But I do find that the top 5 works well. Thanks for asking!
Great post! I can’t recall if it was this blog or the book The Happiness project where I read clean a little 15-20 minutes a day so things don’t get out of control. That was MAJOR! My husband and I would get so irritated with each other because on a day off I’d have all these tasks and cleaning projects and he wanted to go out or relax.
Another way for more energy is exercise. It doesn’t have to be intense workouts. It can be a brisk 15 minute walk, skip around the backyard with your kids, do 20 jumping jacks and then fast feet rest for a minute and do it again, or jump rope with your kids. I find I have more energy for my husband when I exercise and I feel better about myself.
I had to laugh to myself about your tip about getting outside at least once a day. You see, my husband and I are reluctant transplants to the swamp of Houston, TX. For several months of the year it is just N-A-S-T-Y outside, and with all the recent rain we’ve been having, the mosquitoes are more terrible than usual. Going outside just does nothing positive for our moods. [We actually do love being outdoors , hiking, running walking etc. but our current location and season just isn’t conducive to that.]
Oh, that sounds awful! That’s too bad. 🙁 I’d be so sad if I couldn’t get outside!
Number 2 ALL THE WAY! I know this has been a subject on your blog before but teaching your children to sleep in their own beds from birth is a HUGE help. My kids have never slept in the marriage bed even though our newborns have always slept in the same room as my husband and me for the first 6 months or so because I nursed them and I believe it is better overall for the baby’s and mother’s wellbeing. My kids are 2 and almost 4 and at night my husband and I do story and prayer with both kids, then we each take a kid to their separate bedrooms, sing a few songs and leave the rooms without any fuss. It is glorious!
Yes! It can be done! And don’t you agree that if a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to sleep asked you for help, you would love it? 🙂
I will shamelessly admit that I would love it. But I would love it even more if they would actually TAKE the advice. Lol my sister made the mistake of putting her daughter in bed with them when she was several months old. She is now two years old and still calls the shots. My sister either fights to get her to sleep in her own bed (going in constantly and telling her to lay down and go to sleep when she hears her making noise or sees her goofing around on the monitor), or she gives in and puts her in bed with them for the sake of getting sleep. What my sister fails to realize is that she has turned bedtime into a game for her daughter. A game of “get mom and dad to come in and interact with me as many times as possible” and ultimately “get into mom and dad’s bed if I can”. She asked for advice back when this began which I happily gave. Not long after she complained about the same thing. I asked if she tried what I told her. She said she tried it one or two nights but the next she was just too exhausted and gave in and put her in their bed. She still complains to me about how hard bedtime is. I’m telling this story because I think this is the case with A LOT of parents. First of all they don’t realize just how stubborn a child can be. It takes diligent and often times grueling work to break a bad habit that you have allowed your child to create. Older babies and toddlers are not manipulative but they learn HOW to manipulate very quickly. They have to in order to have their needs met and eventually get their “wants” met. Secondly, I think a lot of moms are in denial about how much they actually feed off their child “needing” them for comfort. It is like they are trying to relive the newborn days with their older child who really should be learning to be more independent in the sleep department. It is all part of the ever growing trend of kids calling all the shots. Kids can be trained to form better habits. But if they are happy with the current arrangements they will fight. Parents just need to fight harder.
Sorry, I just had to get that all out. Lol it is truly just a frustrating topic because you see an awful lot of parents digging their own graves these days when it comes to bedtime. I’m not the perfect mother by a long shot, but I have always felt that bedtime was an area where kids truly could be trained. And let me just say here that I do not believe you can train a child in every area. With some things you just need to make the best of what you’ve been given. Lol like my daughter’s crazy dare-devil personality that she inherited from her father… Lord help me.
Samantha thanks for writting this. It answers part of the question why my kids dont listen to their Mother but they listen to me. (Generally speaking in comparison) 30mins after I wrote below I was disucssing it again with my wife. We are now going to have a family meeting about this. Bed time is a rat race in my house. I have seperated myself from the chaos. I say goodnight to the kids and then I disappear. I am not interested in all the crap that happens. To me it is much simpler than what takes place and quite frankly I cant handle it. So i remove myself for the better of all. When my wife is not home for bed time there are no issues. She hates that fact but its the truth. This tiff has been really good for us in a weird sort of way. Just a lot of changes in how we fight and how we recover have been going on with all this as well as now we are addressing an issue together – see because not only does it effect the kids but my marriage relationship as well. So now my wife is telling me she feels unsupported by me and I hear her. So there are lots of dynamics going on and we are now able to work at it as a couple. I post a ton of example around here of how things are working in my life. I gotta say that sometimes maybe people think I am trying to make myself look good. Well – the truth is there is a lot of food in my life and I work hard at inproving myself. I work at daily. And guess what? I screw it up alot too! So I need people like you to share your successes so I can draw off them. So thank you.
Typo correction good in my life – yes I have a lot of food in my life too 🤣
Oh so sad to admit – Grace and I had a big tiff this weekend. She brought our 8 year old into our bedroom to sleep – she still lays with him to goto bed and We have gone over it and over it. She says he is still my baby – he’s the last one. Then she brought him into our room to sleep on the floor cuz he couldnt sleep. It was a tough position to be in because I wanted to argue with her about it but he was in the middle of it in our presence. I was so Irate I walked out of the room and slept on the couch. Then I was even more irate in the morning when he was in the bed! I can tell you the stress of that topic plus a night of bad sleep certainly didnt help my energy level for sure let alone help us get along.
#2 So true!! It’s extremely frustrating to me when parents complain about lack of sleep when they can train their children to sleep. I would love to give advice, but if they ask, they don’t normally listen to it—too hard. They expect children to automatically know how to sleep, or get better at it. We have to train them to do everything, eating, walking, talking, etc! Why not sleep too?! Another excuse people use that gets me: your kids must just be laid back and naturally sleep well. No, I had to train them!! Obviously, the younger you start this, the easier it is, but I think it’s doable with any age. It will just be much, much harder, but still worth the battle!!
I completely agree, Karen! I heard someone say it to me like this once: “what would happen if you woke up in the middle of the night and your pillow was gone?” Chances are you wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep, right? You’d turn on the light, try to find your pillow, and be restless and toss and turn if you can’t find it. Why? Because your body has associated pillows with sleep. It’s very, very hard to sleep if you don’t have your pillow.
So think about it from a baby/toddler perspective. What have we trained them to associate with sleep? I know with my oldest, I trained her to need to nurse (or later, when she was over a year old, to take a bottle) to feel drowsy and drift off. So then when she woke up in the middle of the night, it was as if she was “missing her pillow”. She’d call for me, because she’d need a bottle to fall back to sleep.
See, we all wake up multiple times a night, but it doesn’t register. We roll back over and fall asleep. But if you wake up and your pillow/bottle/mom/whatever you’ve associated with sleep isn’t there, then you won’t be able to drift off again, and suddenly you’ll be wide awake.
Kids can be taught to sleep on their own. And they are more relieved and confident when they learn that, too!
I am married to a teacher. She is always too tired for sex. I am too tired of trying to speak with her about it. So we have been sexless for years now.
Oh, that’s terrible. I’m sorry. That really isn’t healthy, for either of you. And I do think that God wants us spurring one another on to something better. I have an article on living in a sexless marriage here that may help.
Hello my husband and I wanted to share our own personal story being that me and my husband have experienced both sides being that we are remarried – 2nd marriage. Speaking more so to those that mentioned they are living in a sexless marriage. My husband can relate his first time around his in marriage he went months with out sex and his wife was using sex as a way to manipulate him. We know that is definitely not the will of God in our marriages. We would love to share our story as my husband wrote a recent article/blog on the subject titled 3 Ways to Prevent your Bedroom from Becoming a Mortuary. https://theloveauthor.com/blog-2
We know there are so many men who are dealing with being rejected in the bedroom by their wives. My husband has talked to so many men who have expressed their heart on this issue. This is an emotionally unhealthy place for a man to find himself. Also he has a book that really go deep on this issue we would love to share that is now available in the e-book version as well online. Book name is Love the 2nd Time Around: Love Overcomes Virtually Everything. We hope this helps as we endeavor to help others in this area.