The other night I was home alone, bored, so I checked Netflix to see if there were any good movies.
It told me I’d give The Rewrite with Hugh Grant and Marisa Tomei four stars, so I clicked play.
Fifteen minutes later I turned it off.
Basically, Hugh Grant’s character was a pig. He used women, he was shallow and selfish, and he had no redeeming virtues. But you know the way the story was going: he’d meet Marisa Tomei, and she’d be so amazing and so what-he’s-always-needed-but-never-found and he would change.
Why is that the plot of most love stories?
Why are we so drawn to the idea that our love will be enough to make a bad boy good?
God’s love is enough to make a bad boy good, but a woman’s love isn’t. And too many of us get married thinking that we can “fix” our husbands. Christian romance novels are awfully guilty of spreading that, too.
I’ve read so many where he’s a rough cowboy, and then he meets her, and suddenly he’s domestic. Maybe he wasn’t “bad” in the same way as Hugh Grant’s character was morally bad, but the idea is the same: he needs saving, she swoops in, and in the process he’ll completely change.
No wonder so many of us get married and feel cheated! Why hasn’t he changed? Why hasn’t he become this sweet, nice, romantic and domestic man? Why is he still the strong, silent type? Why is he still rough around the edges? Why, for pete’s sake, does he still FART?
Just a few quick thoughts here: if a guy is truly bad, marriage won’t change his character. Run far away from bad guys. Yes, they can change, but let God do that work first before you even think about a relationship with him.
But what if he’s just the strong, silent type?
Then if you’re trying to change him, you’ve become the bad guy.
If you can’t love him, just the way he is right now, for the rest of your life, then don’t marry him. And if you’re already married? Learn to accept the rough edges of his personality. Yes, confront about the sin; absolutely! But if it’s just that he’s quiet, or he doesn’t share his emotions, or he can be thoughtless sometimes–maybe that’s how he is. And you promised to love him.
So love him, and stop trying to change him.
If we all did that, maybe we’d have some much better, and more realistic, love stories.
Instead of trying to change a bad boy, let’s start looking for men with good character to start with!
I’ve written a ton of posts about how to find a great husband, or what makes a great father. Here are some of my favourites:
He goes to church and says all the right things, but how can you tell if he really loves God, or if it’s just a mask he wears? Here are some tips to figure out if he is really on fire for God, or if it’s all surface-level.
This is what I wish every woman knew going into marriage. Check it out.
Sometimes a guy can seem fantastic–but would he make a good father? Here’s how to tell if someone wouldn’t only make a great partner, but an amazing father to any future kids you may have!
This is an older post, but one of my favourites when it comes to dating advice. So much heartache could be prevented if more girls were told to look for these 4 things. Make sure you’re not falling for someone who doesn’t mark off all four of these!
What is some of your best advice for women looking for a good husband? Share it in the comments and let’s break the cycle of trying to rescue the bad boy!
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.