Do you feel embarrassed when it comes to initiating sex?
One of the most popular posts on this blog is 10 things to know about initiating sex.
But quite often, I still get women emailing me saying, “I really want to do this! But it just doesn’t feel like me, and I freeze up!”
I get it. So today, for Ask Sheila, I thought I’d make a video about this, and then suggest some more things that can help.
Now, for those of you who prefer to read, here’s my response in a super quick nutshell:
Essentially this woman is saying that she enjoys sex, but when it comes to being the one to initiate, she just can’t do it. She wanted tips that didn’t seem outlandish.
But honestly–the tips I’ve got on this blog are not really X-rated. If anything, they can be on the shy side (because super confident women don’t tend to need help initiating!). If you can’t do these things, the problem is likely not that you haven’t found exactly the right initiation tips. The problem is more likely that you just don’t feel like a sexual being, or you just don’t feel sexually confident.
That can stem from three issues:
You have a hard time being vulnerable and out of control, and so have a hard time feeling passionate
You’re embarrassed of your body
I really think we have to be people who develop sexual confidence! And that’s so much easier to do if you have a positive view of sex. That’s what The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is all about, and if you just can’t embrace your sexual side, you do need it!
Now–what about that initiation thing?
Okay, once we’ve worked through all those roadblocks, if you do want help initiating sex, here are some great posts:
- 10 Tips for Initiating Sex
- 10 Ways to Signal “Yes” to Your Husband
- 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed
I also think that having a “prompt” for sex, so that you don’t have to propose something specific yourself, can lessen the tension but heighten the fun! And that’s why I’m a huge fan of the Ultimate Intimacy app. It’s a great app for couples that includes an awesome sex game, where you have romantic prompts, foreplay prompts, and hot and heavy prompts, but it also has a smorgasbord of positions you can try (while also setting different parameters of what you do or don’t want), information on how to make sex feel great, date night activities, and more. And it’s not gross. Not at all. It’s totally marriage friendly and marriage supportive!
See my full review of Ultimate Intimacy here. The free version is fun, but the paid version is only $8.99, and it unlocks the amazing game and positions features. So fun!
Sometimes we all need to develop some sexual confidence. Looking at your roadblocks can help. Understanding that God made you to be passionate and made you a sexual being is essential. And learning how to laugh and play together is fun!
But if God made something this great, don’t miss out on it! Step outside your comfort zone. You know sex is a good thing in your head; try to act that way, too. Your life can get a lot more fun!
Let me know: What’s the hardest part of initiating sex for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.