Do you feel embarrassed when it comes to initiating sex?
One of the most popular posts on this blog is 10 things to know about initiating sex.
But quite often, I still get women emailing me saying, “I really want to do this! But it just doesn’t feel like me, and I freeze up!”
I get it. So today, for Ask Sheila, I thought I’d make a video about this, and then suggest some more things that can help.
Now, for those of you who prefer to read, here’s my response in a super quick nutshell:
Essentially this woman is saying that she enjoys sex, but when it comes to being the one to initiate, she just can’t do it. She wanted tips that didn’t seem outlandish.
But honestly–the tips I’ve got on this blog are not really X-rated. If anything, they can be on the shy side (because super confident women don’t tend to need help initiating!). If you can’t do these things, the problem is likely not that you haven’t found exactly the right initiation tips. The problem is more likely that you just don’t feel like a sexual being, or you just don’t feel sexually confident.
That can stem from three issues:
You have a hard time being vulnerable and out of control, and so have a hard time feeling passionate
You’re embarrassed of your body
You can’t see yourself as a sexual being
- Sex can be both hot and holy at the same time
- The only way to embrace your sexual side
I really think we have to be people who develop sexual confidence! And that’s so much easier to do if you have a positive view of sex. That’s what The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is all about, and if you just can’t embrace your sexual side, you do need it!
Now–what about that initiation thing?
Okay, once we’ve worked through all those roadblocks, if you do want help initiating sex, here are some great posts:
- 10 Tips for Initiating Sex
- 10 Ways to Signal “Yes” to Your Husband
- 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed
I also think that having a “prompt” for sex, so that you don’t have to propose something specific yourself, can lessen the tension but heighten the fun! And that’s why I’m a huge fan of the Ultimate Intimacy app. It’s a great app for couples that includes an awesome sex game, where you have romantic prompts, foreplay prompts, and hot and heavy prompts, but it also has a smorgasbord of positions you can try (while also setting different parameters of what you do or don’t want), information on how to make sex feel great, date night activities, and more. And it’s not gross. Not at all. It’s totally marriage friendly and marriage supportive!
See my full review of Ultimate Intimacy here. The free version is fun, but the paid version is only $8.99, and it unlocks the amazing game and positions features. So fun!
Sometimes we all need to develop some sexual confidence. Looking at your roadblocks can help. Understanding that God made you to be passionate and made you a sexual being is essential. And learning how to laugh and play together is fun!
But if God made something this great, don’t miss out on it! Step outside your comfort zone. You know sex is a good thing in your head; try to act that way, too. Your life can get a lot more fun!
Let me know: What’s the hardest part of initiating sex for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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I think the hardest part for me in initiating is convincing myself that it’s a good thing in the first place, since sex generally hasn’t been physically good for me. I have come a long way in dealing with the pain side, but the physical relaxation I have to do to get there is completely forced and I can’t relax enough to enjoy anything mentally. I know this is something that my husband needs to feel loved, and probably more often than he initiates himself. So I’m wondering, how do I even begin to change my mindset towards sex without completely lying to myself about the effects of my dysfunction, or continuing to resent it as being just for him? (This sounds like the marriage equivalent of eating bitter vegetables, but that’s also something I don’t particularly enjoy and only occasionally force myself to do because it’s supposed to be good for me.)
Becky:
I am a new user here. I was married 46.5 years to a wonderful woman who passed away Sep 23, 2017.
I am not a trained professional in any discipline. My comments offered here are from my life long learning while married to my wife. I am now 67 years old.
I was the higher drive partner in our marriage. My wife never initiated sex in the 46.5 years of marriage. It became a huge chore for me since she would not even participate in any way. I eventually only initiated when I needed the intimacy to feel closer to her and connected with her.
As time ticked along and I aged, my testosterone levels hit the low end of normal about 55 for me. I lost interest due to my low T level and we did not have any kind of intimacy the last 15 years of our marriage.
I am sharing my story with you because if you cannot find a way to initiate some of the time, when your husband reaches his low T point, the intimacy will most likely disappear from your marriage also. I do not wish the loneliness and separateness felt by me to be experienced by you or anyone else. Room mates would be a good description of the last 15 years of my marriage.
Men can go from 0 to 60 in about 5 seconds when they are young. It does not take much to get a man who is normal to want to “get it on”.
If you go to him, wrap your arms around him, kiss him and push your body next to his and grind a little bit (you know what I mean) , chances are he will be ready to play.
Now, you are in control and make him please you manually or orally until you are ready for the main event. And, if necessary, take his hands (and mouth) and show him what you like to get your motor racing.
Take charge to get him started then you control the throttle until you’ve had at least one orgasm.
From there, anything is possible.
What I have just described would work on me even now at 67.
You two kids have as much fun as possible!
Steve S.
Fantastic advice, thank you!
Becky, here is a suggestion that you’ve probably read a few times on here, but I thought I’d share because it has become something that my wife and I look forward to every week… PLAN a sex night. You might say schedule a sex night, and I know it sounds strange, and maybe doesn’t sound intimate, but when both of you know when it’s going to happen, your mind can get prepared all week. During the week, you can even text back and forth, or have conversations about what you want to do to each other. We make friday night our “sex night”. The other nights of the week we don’t follow a schedule. Repeat as necessary.
Tips for “sex night”:
1. Start out with a shower together if your shower is big enough. Super sexy, and makes you both clean and smooth.
2. Make sure that extended foreplay is included. Sex night doesn’t mean quickie night.
3. Each partner should focus on the other. Don’t just think of what makes you feel good, think of what makes the other feel good.
Steve and Daniel,
Thank you for your comments/suggestions. I’ll admit I’m having trouble believing that they’ll work for me, because the issue is not so much getting my husband on board as it is getting myself in a mindset where I want to do anything. Without any physical pleasure to motivate me– and not for lack of trying on my husband’s part, it’s literally all I can do to just avoid pain, so my body doesn’t respond positively — I’m mentally blocked. Sex is 100% obligation, and I find myself dreading it. I don’t want it to be this way, but I don’t know how to break the cycle mentally.
Honestly, if there are any women out there who have had a similar issue and actually managed to beat it, I’d love to hear from you. I’ve been around here long enough to know that sex is mostly in our heads, and given the physical trauma that I’ve been dealing with since my wedding night, this just isn’t the sort of thing that I can just wake up and decide to think positive thoughts about and make it better. If anything, this seems more like the thorn in the flesh that God is refusing to take away. I really just need some hope that I haven’t ruined marriage for my husband because my body won’t cooperate.
This is timely from the other side. Shiela was talking about Hot and Holy. A couple months ago J from Hot and Holy did a guest post and she used the word responsive. It stuck with me. Sheila used that word as well. Thats my wife. She will respond but rarely initiate. She says its just not her and dont complain because you get plenty. Oh how this is true. I am taken care of. The thing is this: how better it could be. How much closer we could feel. How much more intamacy we could have. The bond could be even tighter. The sex could be even better for both of us. It would create more of Gods intentions of Oneness. I have come to accept that she doesnt want change. Well.. maybe not so…we have made a lot of progress together yet there is still lack of willingness in this area. I thought about sharing Sheilas video with her but I hesitate because it would most likely piss her off more than help. Anyway the knowledge is helpful for now and when the time is right I can push again for growth. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
So are you saying that you want your wife to do something she’s not comfortable with, so that you can enjoy sex more? Because that’s what it sounds like. I wouldn’t blame her for being pissed off if you tried that, and even more so if you claimed it was because you thought it was God’s will. Sheila is writing in reponse to someone who wants to be able to initiate; if your wife doesn’t want to, it would be just as bad for you to try to push her into that as it would be to try and push any other sexual fantasy that she’s not comfortable performing.
Rosie – I beleive I wrote that I want to be more intimate and One with my wife. Yes sex can harvest that. Sheila’s very consistant message around here is just that. I am not here to fight with people. I am here to learn how to be a better husband and have a really rocking marriage while chasing Jesus. I wish that for you too. I am sorry for whatever your issues are within your marriage. I do say however that does not give you license to Tee off on me. I beleieve fruitful conversation leads to better understanding rather than making assumptions on ones purpose. I would be more than happy to have a nice discussion with you.
Phil, yes, sex _can_ “harvest” greater intimacy, but not if one person involved is being pushed into doing something he or she does not want. Thank you for your concern about my marriage; in fact, while I would never try to claim perfection, my husband and I are very happy together most of the time.
Rosie H,
I had the same reaction you did, maybe it was the way it was worded.
Scheduling sex is the closest I can get to initiation. That’s because I’m stuck way back at square one….I don’t find sex physically pleasurable, which in turn, decreases feelings of intimacy for me. So, if I were to initiate, it would be disingenuous and contrived. It might lead to my husband feeling more bonded and intimate and puff his ego a little, but it wouldn’t necessarily be better for me. Frankly, it would make sex harder by adding one more expectation.
Until I get past, the “sex is just for him” reality, adding initiation would be one more “just for him” pressure.
Hence, my reaction to his comment.
This post is for those who truly want to initiate but lack the confidence to do so.
Most definitely , if they can push themselves past their comfort zone, initiation could absolutely lead to deeper intimacy and bonding and Sheila has some great ideas. I’m envious of those who find comfort and pleasure in sexual intimacy and want to expand their expressions. You go girls!
I suppose I’m not very shy at initiating, but typically it starts with me saying “Be with me tonight?” earlier in the day, sometimes even via text. Maybe that’s a lame way to go about it, but that’s kind of been our “catch phrase” to indicate that I would very much so like sex to happen that night (if kids cooperate). When I say it in person, sometimes I say it sexy, but mostly I say it in a way that communicates “I need/want you.” It doesn’t mean that I am ready to go that second or anything, because I still need a lot of warming up. But it gets the point across, either in that moment or in advance.
The International signal from my wife is if she closes the door to our bedroom. On occasion I will get if you want to have sex I am availble xyz time. Then I have to sit around and wait because if I ask it could be intetoreted as pushy. (Not always). Other than that of I dont initiate your guess is as good as mine!
We used to have sex quite a lot. Then we had a baby. Labour and giving birth were traumatic for me for various reasons, and I had a lot of physical problems afterwards, and a lot of mental problems with being touched. But just over two years after giving birth, we started having sex again. My husband was great and said he wouldn’t ever push me to have sex even after that, because of how difficult I’d found it, so it was nearly always me who initiated; I’ve always found that really hard, which he knows, but I really did try, and for a while things were OK. Then he stopped being interested. I mean, I would try to initiate, but he was always too tired or not in the mood. This went on for some months, with no sex, and eventually I asked what the problem was, and he said nothing, he was just tired and didn’t ever seem to feel like it. So I said OK, you know I find it really difficult to ask for sex anyway, but more so when you always say no, so how about you seduce me next time you’re in the mood? That was two or three years ago, and we haven’t had sex at all in that time. I’ve got to the point where I’m not really interested any more either, so it doesn’t matter, but I thought it was worth making the point that some women who aren’t at all comfortable with initiating do try, or have tried, and it doesn’t work.
By the way, I’ve just read through your articles of suggestions for things to say, and while they may not be X-rated, most of them are seriously weird! (But then so is sex …) I’m with the reader who said , “But who talks like that?!”
Hi Rosie. I can relate. My baby was born via csection so I haven’t delt with postbirth trauma affecting our sex life. However, I used to initiate often. After being rejected countless times over our 4.5 year marriage I’m extremely hesitant to initiate and just don’t. I’m sick of being ignored and feeling humiliated by being constantly turned down. I’ve tried just responding very enthusiasticly whenever he DOES initiate and yet it’s still very infrequent. I’m scared that I’m headed down the same path to where you’re at. I thought losing weight would help, I thought being constantly positive and loving would help. But we’re nearly just roommates. Now I just workout and stay busy to try and keep my drive low. I often think about what we could have but don’t. I worry that as the years go on our marriage will become sexless. I wish I knew if it was me. I blame myself, I feel I must be doing something wrong must not be desireable, etc. He refuses to schedule sex because it’s “not romantic” and he thinks it’s weird. WELL YOU KNOW WHATS UNROMANTIC BEING SEXLESS ROOMMATES. I hate it. But i love my husband. He’s kind, thoughtful, loyal and my world. I just wish he wanted me.
Anonymous, you are right, being sexless roommates is pretty much not romantic. Ask your husband why it has to be romantic? I was one who turned my nose up to scheduled sex… “like, why would we have to schedule it? Shouldn’t it be spontaneous? And if it’s scheduled (like old people have to do), does that mean our sex will become dry? ” I thought that way, and then for some reason we ended up saying that this friday we would make it our sex night. At the time it wasn’t exactly like a schedule, but more like a date. We’ve been doing friday night sex for over a year, and it has greatly improved our already great sex life.
Send him sexy texts during the day. Ask him how you can make him feel good. Tell him how he should make you feel good. All of these are highly “romantic” if that’s what he’s after, and if these are matched up to a scheduled sex night, I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be considered “romantic”.
I hope that you and your husband can get to a place of great sex. Unfortunately it sounds like a lot of this will come down to his willingness to change… it’s always surprising when the “kind, thoughtful, loyal” guys end up being idiots in the bedroom… so much potential being wasted.
Not a comment on the article, but is anyone else having problems with spam Amazon gift card pop ups?? Never had that happen before on this website, but the last two days they’ve been opening up whenever I try to read a new blog post. Seriously annoying!
Yes – I have the same issue with this site and it has been going on for quite a while. The only way to get rid of it is to clear history. I just started using view private so my history does not remember I am on this site. It seems to have done the trick. Thanks for bringing this up. Maybe there is something that could be done from the site side.
Thanks for the heads up – I’m moderating comments this week while Sheila is in Kenya, but will see if her webmaster can get to the bottom of this!
Phil waves 👋🏻 @ Joanna
I have a few things to say here, and obviously they are just suggestions/thoughts, take or leave them as you wish.
Firstly, the woman Sheila referenced doesn’t sound that confident or comfortable initiating ANYTHING. The one who always just goes along with the crowd. So, the crowd is probably a good place to practice — start being the one to suggest things. Suggest which restaurant/bar/coffee shop/etc you will go to with your friends/colleagues. Just practice being the first one to put something on the table. Then you can start doing it when it comes to sex, too 🙂
In terms of potentially not seeing herself as a sexual being, repeat after me: “There is only one organ in the entire human body, either male or female, that God has created exclusively for pleasure, and sexual pleasure at that. That organ is the clitoris. And God has chosen to give it to women. Therefore, being a sexually vibrant woman who enjoys herself is not just something I am ~allowed~ to do, it is actually my birthright!!”
And finally, don’t forget that your hubby is your best friend. And it’s ok to call on your friendship, rather than your sexuality in order to solve this. It’s ok to say, “look, please can we just throw all of our expectations and all of our baggage and all of the mess that sex has become out of the window, and can we just sit on the bed together a while, and you just be [John] and I’ll just be [Jane] and we can both just… BE. And if anything happens then it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t and either way just have that be fine?” In that scenario, when something happens, I think it could be hard to tell who actually initiated it! ie, you initiate having a hug, then he initiates tickling you, then you initiate kissing him, then he initiates removing a few clothes, and then you initiate moving round into a different position, and… extrapolate at will.
Say it a few more times for good measure: “There is only one organ in the entire human body, either male or female, that God has created exclusively for pleasure, and sexual pleasure at that. That organ is the clitoris. And God has chosen to give it to women. Therefore, being a sexually vibrant woman who enjoys herself is not just something I am ~allowed~ to do, it is actually my birthright!!”
If your husband doesn’t understand this, find a way to educate him… perhaps by embracing your birthright…?