I find personality differences fascinating.
I love taking personality tests. I love figuring out what Jane Austen character I am (!), or what I would have done in the Hunger Games (apparently I would have come in second, losing only because I was so sure of winning that I started writing my victory speech too soon and got distracted).
And some of the most fun questions we get here on the blog are about personality differences! So I thought, for all the Wifey Wednesdays in August, we’d take a look at some basic personality differences and how to navigate them. In fact, this is how we’re going to do big series on the blog from now on. Each month I’m going to choose a topic, and every Wednesday will be about that topic. Then at the end of the month I’ll also have a podcast summing up the articles and commenting on extra stuff I’ve thought about from the comments!
Today we’re going to do a BIG overview of personality differences and the MBTI (my favourite personality test!), and then over the month we’re going to look at four personality scales in detail. And to do that, I’m going to start with the book Just Your Type, which helps you understand yourself, your spouse, and the conflicts you’re likely to have–and how to overcome them. It focuses on all the different MBTI types, and then sees what happens when people who are different get together!
But first, let’s do a run-down on what those potential differences are.
MBTI and Marriage: how your type impacts how you approach your relationshipClick To TweetThe MBTI classifies people based on four scales:
Extrovert/Introvert: Do you get your energy from being with people, or from being alone? When you need to think something through, do you call a friend, or go for a walk yourself? Contrary to popular belief, extrovert doesn’t mean “life of the party”. Many introverts are great at parties. But it’s where you get your energy from that’s important.
Sensing/Intuiting: Do you like detail, or are you a big picture person? Do you like taking things apart and figuring them out, or dreaming up new ways of doing things? Do you like following a pattern or creating your own?
Thinking/Feeling: Do you make decisions based on logic, or based on emotion? Are you most likely to concentrate on what’s “right”, or to focus on how your actions affect others?
Judging/Perceiving: Do you like being organized, with lists and plans, or would you rather be spontaneous and go with the flow?
The MBTI clearly holds that none of these is “right” and none is “wrong”.
They’re just different preferences. But interesting things happen when differences get together–and often quite detrimental things to a marriage.
When couples have differences, here’s what happens:
Most couples engage in this undermining campaign in very subtle and indirect ways; they rarely address the problem honestly and openly. They just stop talking — really talking. So the overwhelming reason relationships fail is poor communication.
These differences tend to be the root of communication problems that drive us apart. But as the authors ask, “What if they had not only understood their differences but also viewed them positively and as a source of richness?” When you’re different, you can actually stretch each other! And you can compensate for a spouse’s weakness, too.
Being always the same isn’t always a good thing, either. If you’re both introverts, you may cocoon inside and never really meet people. If you’re both Ps instead of Js, you may make impulsive decisions and rarely make plans. If you’re both Fs, you may end up lending far too much money to siblings who would squander it because you feel sorry for them!
This month, since there are four more Wednesdays, we’re going to look at each of the four different personality scales, seeing what happens if you’re both the same on either end, (both introverts or both extroverts, for example), or if you’re different. We’ll start with the E/I difference next week.
But I thought before we did that it may be fun to feature some personality types of the people behind this blog!
Keith and Sheila: ESTJ and ENTJ (Innovator vs. Traditionalist)
Our very jetlagged selves right after we landed in Sydney, Australia last month
Keith and I actually score pretty similarly. We’re both Extrovert-Thinkers-Judgers, with our only difference being on the S/N scale. Keith’s a detail person, and I’m crazy big picture person. I’m addicted to Excel spreadsheets and Evernote because it’s the only way I can keep anything straight. If it weren’t for that I’d never be organized!
It’s also one of the reasons that we struggle so hard driving together!
Even though we’re only off by “1” indicator, we actually have very different approaches to the world (and the MBTI names four different approaches, based on the middle two letters). I’m an Innovator (NT) and he’s a Traditionalist (ST), which means that I’m always stirring the pot and trying to make things better, and he’s much more comfortable staying the way things are. So he always feels like I’m pushing him to change, and I can feel like he’s stuck in a rut. The good part is that he grounds me and makes sure I don’t start World War III on too many fronts at once!
Rebecca and Connor: ENTJ and ENTP (Two Innovators)
Rebecca and Connor, on the other hand, are actually more similar than Keith and me, though each of us is off by only one indicator.
Rebecca, the ENTJ, is a future-planner–she actually sat down Connor when they had only been dating for 6 weeks and told him, “If you’re going to go out with me, you need a 5 year plan.”
Connor, being a Perceiving-type, is much more in-the-moment. So although both of them like to stir the pot and find better ways to do things, Rebecca’s approach has more of a world-domination feel to it, while Connor’s approach is more fun-oriented efficiency. Not needing his every action to line up with a 5-year-plan, he often does things just for the heck of it (unlike Becca), but you can bet your bottom dollar he’s going to do it well and find a way to have a great time while doing it.
Katie and David: ESFP and ISTJ (Artisan vs. Traditionalist)
Unlike the rest of us, Katie and David are almost polar opposites. Katie is a people person who feels things deeply and who wants to be present, enjoying life in the moment. David is a problem solver who wants to get things done, and get them done right the first time. The cool thing about them, though (and something I’m so proud of them for!) is that they recognized early in their relationship how different they were, and went out of their way to understand how the other sees the world. And they value the differences. In fact, according to the MBTI, one of the most successful personality matches in marriage is exactly theirs–ESFP and INTJ. Opposites really can work well together.
(By the way, I wrote a post about Katie’s ESFP-ness a while ago on the problems with seeing one personality type as the Perfect Christian Woman. See if you can relate!).
If you want to take your own personality test, you can find your MBTI type here. But I’d also really recommend taking a look at the book Just Your Type.
The book is done in three parts: First, Just Your Type looks at the four scales and sees how people who are different on each of those scales will fare. Then it lists the 16 different personality types and describes them–which is really quite interesting. Rebecca and I were killing ourselves laughing at the description of the ESFP (Katie). Of course, we didn’t laugh too much at the ENTJ (ourselves) because it’s always more fun to laugh at someone else! But it’s pretty hysterical when it’s just so very accurate.
Wondering why your spouse and you are just so DIFFERENT? Let's take a deeper look at what might be the reason:Click To TweetIn the third part of the book, the book shows how each possible combination of 16 types will fare in marriage, and where your strengths and weaknesses will be. It is isn’t mean to say “these two types should never marry” or “these two types are doomed”, but rather “here’s how these two types can maximize their strengths and work together the best”.
This month I won’t really deal with all 16 types (though I highly recommend picking up the book and checking them out!). Instead, we’ll look at the four main scales and how they can affect your marriage. And I hope we’ll have a lot of fun doing it!
So stay tuned for next Wednesday when we jump off our series with the extravert/introvert scale.
And let me know in the comments: Are you both extroverts? Introverts? Or are you different? Let’s talk!
Posts in this MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview (this post!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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ENFJ married to an ENFP. When we’re communicating well, it’s amazing how in tune we are with each other’s emotions and needs! I keep things organized and well-planned, and he keeps things fun. But when we’re not communicating well, not understanding the other’s feelings… Woo Eee! We can be destructive.
*Another thing we’ve learned is that while we’re both extroverts, he is to a much higher degree. I crave interactions with others, but then need almost as much alone time to recharge. (But maybe that’s because I’m interacting with kiddos all day already?? 😜)
Yes, I’m the same way with my husband. We’re both extroverts, but he’s VERY extroverted and for me it’s only a mild preference. So I do need more time alone. I’m actually finding it’s more so as I get older even than when the kids were little. I actually like spending weekends totally alone. But I think it’s because I’m thinking some pretty big things.
My mom’s an ENFJ, by the way. It’s a great type! 🙂
INTJ married to an INTJ. Our relationship is excellent; ironically, the area we struggle in (together) is relationships with other people. We have conversations like this “there’s a church social coming up. I guess we better go to it.” “Yes, our kids need friends, and we need to know their friends and the friends’ parents.” “Ok, it’s only a few hours.” 🙂
Ha! That sounds like very typical conversations for two INTJs. 🙂 But good for you realizing you need to stretch yourselves!
How funny! My husband just took an online version of this test and had me take it too. He came out as Defender (ISFJ) and I came out as Adventurer (ISFP). He felt that it described him perfectly, but my S and P traits barely scored past 50% so I didn’t connect strongly with many parts of the description. I looked into personalities with N/J traits and felt the same about those too. They should add another metric for people who are not strongly one way or another on the spectrum. I guess I’m just a special duck, lol!
I wish I did fit better on the spectrum, it would help me understand myself and my marriage better. Maybe this series will help!
Sometimes when we show up at 50% it’s actually easier to tell what you are by reading the descriptions of the whole four letter personality. Sometimes I score as an INTJ for instance, because my E preference is very slight, but if you read the descriptions of INTJ vs. ENTJ, I’m so obviously an ENTJ. So if you’re barely S or barely P it might be good to read the descriptions as if you were an N or a J and see if that fits you better!
Also, the free test isn’t always super accurate. The paid version is much more in-depth, and if you’re scoring too close to 50% on everything, it may be that it’s just not measuring you right. 🙂
And I hope the series will help for sure! I really love this stuff.
Sheila, that’s a really interesting approach! I usually tend to think that there are three possibilities for each scale, with “middle ground” being a possible outcome. But that leads to 81 personality types, which is a bit unmanageable 🙂
Yeah, when people score 50/50 it often is helpful to look at cognitive functions, too, not just the types themselves because often when people take the test, they’re looking at behaviors and not the motivations or processes behind the behaviors.
For example, a typical question that separates “S” types from “N” types is the question: “True or false: Rules get in the way of innovation”. S-types answer no, N-types answer yes.
Problem? People like my husband, who is a strong ENTP, have trained themselves to rely on the structures and rules around them because without them, they never get anything done. So he says “no,” not because he naturally enjoys sticking to the rules but because he’s learned to adapt. So he’s looking at his behavior, not his cognitive modes. He answers Myers-Briggs tests like an Si, even though he’s a glaringly strong Ne cognitive type.
Anyway, here’s a super long article for anyone who finds this as interesting as I do 🙂 https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/06/if-youre-confused-about-your-myers-briggs-personality-type-read-this-an-intro-to-cognitive-functions/
Sheila I even read into the descriptions and still felt very much like a 50/50 split! Is there a test in the book you referenced? Maybe that would be more accurate!
Rebecca that’s a great point. I majored in psychology in university so I’d love to read that article you posted 🙂
Anon, there are quite a few free tests, but if look up the official MBTI page you may be able to find where you can pay to take it. It’s more indepth, but I think it costs between $50 and $175 depending on where you get it. Technically you’re supposed to be certified to administer the test, so that’s why it’s more money. I find that by reading enough about the different descriptors, one of them usually just “fits”.
And if one DOESN’T fit, that’s often a sign that you’re a P not a J. Because a J would have just picked one! 🙂
That’s a good point Sheila… a J would probably be more decisive! 😛
I was going to chime in on functions and accuracy of the tests. Now I don’t have to!
Interesting article, Rebecca!
The personality type is just one of the aspects of the personality inventory, though. There is also:
– social role: younger sister / mother / etc
– personality disorders: mild or strong, most people have some
– learned coping mechanisms, like what you mention about your husband
– values: so many marriages fail due to having different values!
and many more facets
I was also going to bring up the functions! The functions have been super helpful me, especially in understanding the differences in how my husband and I think.
Thank you for sharing this article. I consistently come up as ENFP but it feels just a tad bit off. After reading about the cognitive functions and looking at the stacks, I think I may actually be ENFJ. This surprises me bc I don’t like schedules! But do much of the description resonates with me. I’m going to look into this some more. And I’ve requested the book Sheila recommended from the library. Thank you!!
I actually don’t like schedules either. 🙂 One of the biggest struggles I have is sticking to a schedule–but I’m a DEFINITE J-type. That’s why I like those functions so much! Because you’re definitely not the only one who’s had a type be “not quite right” after the test.
ENFJ married to ESFP. Don’t know if that’s a good personality match, but we’ve been over the moon happy for 26 years and 6 kids. God’s grace! Learning each other as people, beyond just types, is crucial of course, since every individual is a snowflake, there’s so much difference between any two who are identical in type. And number one, learning daily to love like Jesus. It causes a wonderful domino effect!
That’s awesome! I think any two personalities can make a great marriage. It’s not about matching per se; it’s more about being aware of your differences and being aware of the strengths and weaknesses when your two types get together. Like, people who are almost entirely the same can actually have even more problems than those who are polar opposites. Being the same isn’t always easy either! So the big thing is to understand how you each tend to approach the world, and then see what happens when those two approaches go together. It really can help you navigate a lot of things well.
But I totally agree–if you’re blissfully happy and following Jesus, you’re going to be fine. 🙂
I am INTJ and my husband is INFP. I like to plan things and to be pragmatic about it, and he likes to “go with the flow”. That has mostly worked in our favor. Both of us being introverted, along with some other factors, had that interesting effect of leading us to isolate ourselves a bit from the rest of the world, which we are both happy with. In the beginning we also needed “rests” from each other, but that decreased with time.
Ah, yes, the P/J difference is a big one! We’ll be talking about that one at the end of the month. They say that that difference impacts relationships on a day-to-day basis more than the other differences, because it affects how we tackle our day so much.
But like you say, when you’re both the same in something (like both being Is) it can lead to you each reinforcing something that may not be entirely healthy. I think that’s why opposites also do well together! I think those who are similar naturally get along more easily, but then they can lead to unbalanced lives in some ways. So it is always good to see where the potential pitfalls are and the potential strengths! Both Keith and I are Js, for instance, and that can actually have some weaknesses, too, especially when it comes to how we can make decisions on far too little information.
Absolutely, the areas of “being same” can be bigger weakness than the areas of “being different”! We have to put effort into meeting other people and participating in events, since none of us really craves it, but too much isolation is unhealthy!
As for J vs P, yes, it is a big difference, and I am looking forward to reading more about it here. In our case, I guess it led me to being a bit of a “bossy wife” stereotype…. Which probably led to both good and bad things.
I love the MBTI. I’ve given it and seen lights turn on in people’s heads when they figure out how to make better decisions about their futures based on who God really made them to be! I’m an INFP (though, really, an INXP…not strong on F at all) married to a INTP who has never once answered a single question in the Feeling column. (Thus, my labeling my hubby “Spock”!)
It’s been so helpful to see where we are the same and where we are different, and to respect those differences. Eager to see what more you have to say on this topic!
I’m not sure if I answer a lot of questions in the feeling column, either. 🙂 But my mom says I have a very deep F shadow side, so when I am upset I settle into introversion-feeling, which is opposite of the way I usually approach the world. And as we get older, we often grow our shadow side. That’s kind of been the case for me! So maybe your husband will grow his inner Deanna Troi!
OMG. This is me and my hubby in a nutshell
I’m a ISFJ married to a ENFP. We push each other past our comfort zones in different ways. I’m very into we have to clean/do projects let’s go and get it done and plan for it where as he’s fine with relaxing and doing the fun things with our kids. He’s very sociable and outgoing to meet new people and he pushes me to get out there and do the same. I don’t know if this is an ideal match but we are celebrating 9 years of marriage today, so the march is working for us.
That’s great! I think the strengths of opposites is that they do push each other, and in the end you tend to be very balanced together. The strengths of those with similarities is that they fall into an easy rhythm together. The downside is that that rhythm may not necessarily be healthy!
I don’t think there are any two types that don’t work well together. I think the key thing is just to understand your unique strengths and weaknesses together! Sounds like you guys do that really well.
I love this stuff! I’m an ENTP, my husband is an ENFP. We get along really well, but have different ways of viewing things! Like how he values being loved,and I value being respected. This stuff is always fun!
Interesting that YOU’RE the T and he’s the F. You must find a lot of the gender stuff that’s written frustrating, because a lot of it assumes that the husband is the T and the wife the F! And that’s actually not always the case at all. A lot of the things that we think are gender differences are really personality differences!
We’ll talk about this more in the T/F week, but while men are more likely to be Ts and women more likely to be Fs, it doesn’t mean that it can’t go the other way (like it has for you).
You’re right, a lot of stuff is very generalized towards men being T and women being F, like the Love and Respect study. I’m also much more likely to make decisions based on what makes more sense, and find myself explaining WHY I do it as well. My dad even once said that I was too logical to be a woman. Lol.
I look forward to reading more about that!
Hello, I am a INFJ and my husband is a INFP. We have been married 11 years now, we started dating when we were 16/17. Our relationship was great for a while. It didn’t start getting difficult till our son was born. As an INFJ I tend to take on a lot normally because I need to be there for everyone, when my son was born I quickly became overwhelmed. My husband being an INFP became overwhelmed and shut down from the stimulation as well. Suddenly life was a bit more demanding for both of us. I want to fix things, the advocate, I want to reach a middle ground. I see my way, his way, and where we might meet in the middle. I want to fix things that are broken, but he doesn’t see what is wrong all the time when it comes to our relationship, because I just do things. I take care of so many things behind the scenes so he doesn’t quit grasp how busy I sometimes get and need to unwind as I am an introvert. As an INFP he gets things, but his mind is more inclined to help others then himself. The funny thing is, he would have plenty of helpful things to say to his friends if a friend of his was in a similar situation such as ourselves. Overall, we tend to work well together but over the years we have started drifting apart. I wonder if it’s our Js and PS that are pulling us away.
The J/P difference can certainly be a big one in marriage! So can the fact that you both are Is and you both are Fs, which means that you both feel deeply, but you both may find it difficult to talk about. So you may retreat, and then that may exacerbate the problem. I hope that the series will help, because I’ll be talking about the possible pitfalls not just when you’re different, but also when you’re the same!
I read that book you mention a couple years ago (I believe on a recommendation from one of your previous articles) and really enjoyed it and found it quite helpful. I am an ISFJ and my husband is an INTP and we get along really well, in large part because we have worked on communication since we started dating because it was really challenging for us to communicate effectively. The book helped me out with a few pointers that have improved our communication even more – namely, suggesting that I take time to state my concerns/things that are upsetting me in a calm manner rather than an agitated one. This has helped my husband respond to them calmly, instead of getting worn out by my emotional outburst. So we can solve problems together and then not have one of us end up with an emotional hangover 🙂
I’m an ISFJ and I’m happily married to an INTJ. At first his character was quite a shock to me, with his “feelings are for the weak” mantra, and his intolerance for what he considers stupidity. I used to think he was super arrogant! What saves our marriage (through God’s grace) is that I’m good at taking a step back from my emotions and realizing that he views things completely different from me and isn’t deliberately intending to be insensitive, and he is super determined to do whatever it takes to make me happy and make our marriage work. I think he probably has a checklist of all the things I told him make me feel loved. 😁 Also, is sex a love language? Because then it’s both of ours and you can’t fight when you’re having sex at LEAST every other day! 😳
Love that part about sex! 🙂 I think it is the glue that keeps many of us together. So true!
INTJ married to an ESFP – polar opposites.
We do stretch each other quite a bit. And we have some good laughs together. His spontaneous fun nature stretched me to become way more laid back and go with the flow, but I still prefer to have a plan 🙂
Also true: my husband sometimes just mentions something with no further thought to discuss it deeper, but if it‘s something I care about it‘s like he opened a pit of passionate deep multi-level discussion. I always feel a bit unsettled when I realize he didn‘t intend to enter into an in depth discussion… how dare he just makes a remark that ignites my passion & I just burned all that energy for nothing😂
Lydia, I think that’s why I like your comments so much–you’re just like me, but you likely spend more time deep in thought than I do, so when you comment it’s always so wise!
And that’s too funny about him igniting your passion! Yes, when Is have actually thought about something deeply they do want to talk about it, when Es may be totally finished with it. Exactly!
Lydia, I’m an INTJ and one of my sisters is an ESFP. Sometimes when we’re hanging out I have a thought and start to ask “Have you ever thought about…” and she’s says, “Here we go..” 😂 and she’s usually nice enough to humor me and hear out whatever thing I just thought about, even though chances are, she has never thought that in her life.
We’re super different, but I love her so much! She’s so full of life and always up for an adventure. All this to say that the ESFP I know is a bright spot in my life, so I bet you have lots of fun with yours 🙂
I’m an INFJ married to an ENFP. Which makes for some very entertaining situations. Hee hee hee. Learning about my MBTI type was very liberating for me. Like wow, I’m not defective, this is just how my mind works and there are other people out there like me! Yay!
That’s the message I really want people to take, too–you’re not defective! And there are no “rights” and no “wrongs”. It’s all about how we’re all unique and different, and that’s a good thing! But when we realize what our natural “bents” are, then that can help us understand so much.
I think emotional intelligence also plays a big part in any relationship.
This will be so fun!! My husband and I are complete opposites. I’m INTP and he’s ESFJ! I’m very strong except for the N/S whereas my husband is only strong on the F. It definitely makes things interesting! And as you mentioned above I absolutely HATE most women/men comparisons because they almost never apply!
Oh, yes, the terrible gender comparisons! I feel that way a lot, too, because in many ways my type is very “masculine”. There aren’t a whole lot of female ENTJs (though somehow in my small family we’ve got 3 of them–or about 33% of the females). But there you go. And understanding your opposite bents can be very helpful.
My husband and I are also complete opposites! He’s an ENFP (the free spirit) and I’m an ISTJ (the logistician). His type is much more common among women and mine is the most common type for men. We diverge from gender stereotypes in other ways, too– I’m a scientist and he’s an English teacher, he’s better with kids than I am, and I’m better at handling finances.
When we first started dating, it bothered me that we didn’t fit most of the gender stereotypes, but it doesn’t matter anymore. He is a fantastic leader and has so many strengths complementary to mine. Plus we both have some “traditional” traits– I love cooking and he loves working on cars. Nevertheless, I’ve pretty much given up on most articles and books about the social differences between men and women, because they never work for us.
I love MBTI paired with the Enneagram, which is actually my favorite personality typing right now since their are only 9 different types, which I can actually remember off the top of my head. And it is faith-based. I am an INFJ and a Type 4—the individualist/romantic/artist—-which most INFJs are. (Not all.) I forget what my hubby is in the MB, but he is a 9 on the Enneagram, the peacekeeper. This explains SO much. Have you looked into the Enneagram at all, Sheila? Based on some of your comments above, I wonder if you are an 8, the challenger. 😉
I am such a personality nerd. 🤓
I’m definitely at 8! We think Katie is a 2. Originally we thought 4, but now we think 2. And David is definitely a 1!
Hi Sheila,
I like this stuff too, though I’ve never done this quiz. I came up as the ESTJ-T Sentinel or the Executive, lol. I’m a homeschooling mom of 6 so I guess it’s pretty accurate! Though I felt like it was a very different description than it would have been if I had taken it 15 years ago. Can you change over time with life experience and change your answers? It sounded a bit boring but it did focus on my need for order, my hate of laziness (true!!), and my ability to stick to something till done. But nothing mentioned as a mom….but at least I know it’s what helps me be a full time home educating mom! I’d say my biggest difficulty is to slow down, sit on the floor with my little ones and smell the roses! Every morning I glance at my daily planner and I panic if I don’t know where it is!:):)
Yes, you can definitely change over time!
Another big problem (which Rebecca mentioned) is that we sometimes answer the quiz based on how we handle life now, not necessarily what our natural bent is. It’s important when you’re answering to choose the answer that most fits you emotionally, in the gut, rather than what you do. For instance, I’m such a horribly big picture person that I ignore details. But you can’t function like that. So I’ve created so many spreadsheets and checklists to help me take care of details. So I may answer some questions about taking things step by step in the affirmative, because that’s what I do, but it’s not my bent.
It’s actually good to set up these systems to overcome our potential weaknesses, but it can skew the results if you answer according to them! But, yes, we also do change over time, especially the E/I dynamic.
Hello! I am very much an ISFJ. I do not remember his, but seeing today’s post helped me remember mine.
Looking forward to doing this!
Hope you have some fun with it!
Right off the bat, I can tell you that I am so excited to take this test and it’ll take a lot of convincing to get my husband to take it! But that’s ok because we work well together anyway. I’m really looking forward to this series. I think it will 1. be a ton of fun and 2. reveal a lot about how to balance different personality needs.
Yay! Hope you love it!
I am an ESFP and when I read the description of my personality for the first time (I was in my 30s), I bawled my eyes out. I just kept thinking “there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s how God made me!” My parents are very humble, no-drama, work in the background type people. They have the highest character of anyone I know. When I was growing up I got the distinct impression that my personality was somehow shallow or even ungodly. No dance or drama classes for me, no matter how much I begged! My family didn’t do “flashy” or “promote ourselves” in any way.
As an adult, that view has affected me deeply. In the past, even being the center of attention during a group conversation (what can I say, I’m a nurse and I have some great stories!) would make me feel yucky afterword because I felt like I had hogged the spotlight. I felt like I was shallow because my interests are people, not getting “real” work done.
My husband keeps trying to get me to join the worship team at church but I am not to that point yet. Being on stage in any capacity feels self serving to me. But I have come a long way and I am looking forward to growing into more of who God made me to be! Thank you for doing this series; I look forward to learning more 🙂
Oh, Gina, yes, sometimes we’re all just wired differently, and that’s okay! Look at the difference in personality between a Jeremiah and a David; a Peter and a John; even a Peter and a Paul! We’re all different. And that’s totally okay. I’m glad you’re realizing that about yourself!
Gina, my sister is an ESFP, and the poor girl had to grow up in a family of introverts who don’t want to go out or be as socially engaged as she wanted to. Now that she’s an adult, she finally has the capability of making her life as on-the-go as she wants it to be. When she interned several States away (I live in the US) the rest of the family missed her because in my Mom’s words, “She’s the fun one.”
Really, we need ESFP’s to liven up our lives! I’m sure many people feel the same way about you.
Yay for ESFPs! Katie has made such a difference in our family. 🙂
ISTP married to an INTJ. The P/J difference is very noticeable! We have had trouble in our marriage with me ‘rebelling’ against his ‘controlling rules’. Sometimes I was the reasonable one, sometimes he was! Looking back it is easy to see where we stuffed up, especially since we are also both ‘i’s, which lead to a lack of communication!
But we also have lots of good things going for us together! Like the fact that he pushes me to actually finish the many, many projects I start! And the fact that my adventurous side can loosen him up! And I think being married to an extrovert sounds incredibly exhausting!
Our Enneagram numbers are 5 (me) and 8 (him). Looking forward to this months wifey Wednesday posts!
Yes, the P/J difference is very big, but it can be great when it comes to unfinished projects! 🙂 And you likely definitely do loosen him up. Hope you enjoy the series!
ESFJ married to, wait for it, an ESFJ! We discovered this while dating mostly because I’ve been interested in personality typing as a mechanism for helping me 1) understand how people think and act differently than me and 2) how to accommodate the different types of preferred behavior to deepen relationships with people (doesn’t that sound ESFJ-like? 😊). Even though we have the same personality type, we sometimes express it in different ways. It definitely helps to have a spouse who can look at you and say “it’s you being an ESFJ” when I can’t figure out why something upsets me or why I feel strongly about something. In the same way, I can help him decipher why some comments rub him the wrong way or how some phrases hurt more than they help.
As much as it’s wonderful to be the same type, we also had to learn to be really careful with it. About 2 months into our dating relationship, my now-husband had an awful week feeling very spiritually attacked and, because the ESFJ reaction is to care and support, we saw a lot of each other and crammed that time into our schedule (time lost to do work, lost sleep, etc.). As soon as he began to navigate that with better understanding, I dealt with my own version of that and we saw so much of each other in a two week period (on top of his work schedule, my first semester of grad school, and a half hour commute between us) that we were physically and emotionally exhausted. What we learned was that we need to be able to communicate when the other needs to actually be concerned so we don’t spread ourselves so thin that we can’t be emotionally supportive when it’s truly necessary. Because who we are personality-wise means that we’d always bend over backwards for the other person, it’s easy for the other to feel guilty about causing that kind of concern, so it can easily spiral into this large ball of guilt and concern (ick!). Since then, when one or the other perceives that we should be concerned, we’ll actually ask “should I be ESFJing for you?” And let that be our guide. It’s helped so much!
A word to the S/N on the fence people: I mis-typed as an ENFJ for awhile, but when I looked at the cognitive functions, I was CLEARLY an ESFJ. One book that has been really helpful for me is “Understanding Yourself and Others”- it helps you work through your preferred way of doing things vs. what you may have to do for life roles, work, etc. and I arrived at an ESFJ that way as well.
That’s an awesome story, C! Thanks for sharing it. Yes, being the same can definitely have its challenges as well, and that’s what I want to show this month. Whether you are the same or different, there are still things to watch out for, and understanding those things can really help (like your understanding about the care/support/guilt cycle!)
I totally agree with what you’re saying about cognitive functions, too. My husband barely registers as an S on the test, but when you read the cognitive functions, he is so much an ST rather than an NT!
I love MBTI too! Especially when you dig a little deeper into the functions theory side of it. That part is what has really changed how I see the people in my life – in a good way, haha.
I also just have to add that something I really appreciate about this approach to relationships is that it takes some of the emphasis off of the gender differences..I feel like I got a lot of Christian marriage advice as a teenager that said things like “men are more rational and action-oriented, women are more emotional and interpersonal…Men want respect, women want affection…” etc etc.
Obviously I still think there are differences between men and women, but I think that advice that is essentially just based on stereotypes is unhelpful, even damaging. That’s just my two-cents…anyway, I love that this personality system includes those who do not fit the stereotypes. It suggests that its okay to be different than what many expect you to be. Its okay if your marriage doesn’t look exactly the same either. I think it pleases God when we are free to be ourselves instead of trying to squish into the mold.
Amen! Totally agree, Madeline!
I love personality tests including MBTI. My husband in contrast doesn’t really care. He had to take a detailed one for work and found it interesting, but he won’t find those “what Harry Potter character are you?” quizzes online for fun like I do from time to time. The first time I stumbled onto MBTI, my result was ISTJ. But that was when I was in college and had to use my Te a lot in self-preservation, not to mention I was stressed a lot and had more issues with my anxiety in social situations more often at the time. This past year when I actually learned about the cognitive functions, ISTJ didn’t make any sense at all. I had to modify every description of the type in general to fit me. So, I took the tests again, and I am satisfied with my ISFP results. Although my S and N results are really close, which I have read can be the case when they are your middle functions. Plus, I suspect that I used to answer the questions based on what I thought I should answer as opposed to how I actually think and behave. I was the romantic dreamer in my house growing up and all the good natured “where did you come from”s got to me more than I let on. And the one thing I know for sure about my husband is that his Fe is high in his function stack? I was totally looking for the opposite of my family to marry. 😀
ESFP-A
When I did the Myers-Briggs personality test the first time, I got ISTJ, just like Katie’s husband. I just did the test you linked to in this post and got ISFJ-T(turbulent) Which makes more sense to me.
I’d say my husband is definitely an introvert but he won’t take the test.
And I also apparently chose the correct career! A Defender type makes an excellent nurse!It’s all I ever wanted to be and I’ve been doing it for 21 years now! 🙂
My husband is an INTJ and I’m an ISTJ… we have lots of similarities, but definitely think differently. I’m a big picture person, and he’s more of a details guy. But it’s nice to know we can relate with our anti-social, home-body tendencies. And we both appreciate the same type of experiences over things, and practical over emotional-type gifts. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the rest of this series!!
My husband had to take the test for his work! He is an ENFP and I’m an ESFJ. He’s very much a dreamer and is always coming up with crazy and cool ideas. Me, not so much. We do balance each other well but struggle to connect emotionally, like we just don’t communicate or open up the same way. From what I’ve read about our compatibility , it’s apparently not a good long term match since we are so opposite! 🙁
But the way I see it, as long as we are both open minded and sensitive to each other’s needs and the way we see things differently, it will work just fine. It’s important to know our differences and to be respectful of them. He’s the spontaneous one with the wild ideas, I’m the careful planner that goes along with them or helps him come back down to earth haha. Though I worry sometimes that I bore him because my brain just doesn’t work the same way! We are often on the same wavelength though, and say the same things at exactly the same time! Or I’ll be thinking of a restaurant and he’ll bring it up randomly. We agree on pretty much everything but sometimes we drive each other crazy! 😂
I’ll have to stay tuned in to your posts this month, Sheila (and maybe get the book) because my husband is ISTP. As an ESFJ who’s been craving more affection, interaction and initiative from him, I’m feeling very depressed to realize that I may never ever get that. If you read the “romantic” part of the ISTP profile, there are almost no benefits to their partner. It’s a bit overwhelming.
Oh, your husband is Sherlock! I can see how that can be really difficult. We just figured out that my husband is an ESFJ, not as ESTJ as he used to test. (It actually makes so much sense!). So I can picture what you’re like.
I think the big thing is just talking through your differences. If he’s an ST, he’ll be able to understand details and lists. I know you want romance to be spontaneous, but sometimes if guys have a list like, “I have to bring my wife flowers once a month” or “We have to talk for 10 minutes each night”, even though it seems fake, it can still build intimacy. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be close to you; I’m sure he does. He just doesn’t experience it in the same way that you do. But if he had things written out that would help you, that may help him to feel like he could actually be successful at wooing you. Have you ever tried the “how to show your husband love” project? (you can both do it). It may help. I know it sounds like a stretch, but it really might!
Thank you for your reply! I’ve read the article you linked to and will show it to him. Maybe “Sheila recommends” will help 😉
I love lists and planning ahead and have let him know many times that I’m up for scheduled romance. The trouble is that HE hates lists and expectations. Since he’s a techie, I’ve even tried suggesting apps that remind a guy to be romantic, but no luck. I think that’s fairly typical for the ISTP, but if they aren’t naturally romantic and they hate being locked into anything scheduled, I’m not sure what options that leaves…
To be fair to him, he hates that this bothers me and has said that he doesn’t want his ISTPness to make marriage miserable for me (which I really appreciate as putting emotions into words isn’t always easy for him).
Still, without a plan in place to change the habits of a lifetime, I’m pretty sure this will just be another good intention.
I love personality tests and Meyers Briggs has always been one of my favorites. However, I’d like to point out to others that it’s best if you take the test several times (once a day over the course of a week or so, or maybe longer), then see which type you got most often. I’m really an ambivert in so many ways, am usually in the 40-60% range in one direction or the other when breaking down the different components of this test, and usually turn out to be an ENFJ. However, my results change too based on what’s going on in my life, if I just got done watching a debate on TV or having a disagreement with my hubby, have had a very relaxing day with not a care in the world, etc.
I am an INFJ – The Counselor and my husband is an ESFJ- The Provider. He is all about the details and being organized and serving, while I am always dreaming and thinking and feeling overwhelmed. lol However we both have very strong nurturing qualities which keeps our marriage strong even when his details are driving me nuts and my daydreaming is driving him nuts. 😉
I’m an INFJ (T), and my husband is an INFP (T)…we’re both so emotional😂. It’s funny because I just recently got him to take the test (because of this series😊) and it just clicked that that personality type is sooo him!😄 I’m in the middle of the Judging vs. Perceiving spectrum – 57% judging, 43% Prospecting/Perceiving. So it’s close. I relate with both personality types, but INFJ really describes me best, and my husband agrees. It’s fun to be so similar, but we have had to work through our fair share of communication problems. He’s such a sensitive, beautifully-hearted person, I think knowing this about his personality will help me understand him better from now on.
Loving this series Sheila!😊💕
What’s really fun is noticing (being the huge Tolkien and Lord of the Rings nerd that I am) that my personality type is the same as Aragorn’s, and my husband’s is the same as Arwen’s. We’re a perfect match!😂😊💕