Are you an extrovert? Introvert? And how does that affect your marriage?
This month, on the Wednesdays, we’re doing a series on personality types and marriage! I love personality tests and quizzes and all the fun stuff that goes along with understanding how you’re wired. I grew up with the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator), because my mother was trained on it and used to deliver seminars on it, so it’s just common conversation fodder around our dining room table.
As I explained last week on my starting post on the MBTI and marriage, the MBTI comes up with 16 different personality types based on four different scales. One of those scales is extroversion/introversion, and this week, let’s look at how these things can impact our marriages.
I’ll be using the book Just Your Type to help me explain all this. Just Your Type outlines all the different MBTI types, and how they interact in marriage. It’s a very fun read (you’ll find yourself in it, and it’s so funny when you read about the conflicts that you and your spouse always have–and you realize that it’s actually to be expected because of your personality differences!).
What is Extroversion vs. Introversion?
People often think that extroverts are the life of the party, while introverts are wall-flowers. It doesn’t actually work that way. In fact, many Broadway actors are actually introverts! Introverts aren’t necessarily shy; it’s just that they get their energy from being alone and being able to think things through, whereas extroverts get their energy from being with people and being able to talk things through. So extroverts will naturally want to spend lots of time with their spouse and with other people; introverts will naturally want some alone time. When we’re having disagreements, extroverts will want to talk about it immediately, whereas introverts will want to wait.
We often think that women are more extroverted and men more introverted, but in fact, it’s pretty much equal by gender.
Extroverts tend to direct their energy towards the outside world, and thus are always looking at what’s going on around them. That can make them easily distracted. Introverts tend to focus on their inner world, and are very aware of what they’re feeling and experiencing.
(By the way, I can’t decide how to spell Extrovert. I think Americans are more likely to spell it extrovert, while the British are more likely to do extrovert, and we Canadians can’t make up our minds. So I keep going back and forth. Sorry!)
Where are YOU, my readers, on the introversion/extroversion scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. We were really surprised by the results on extroversion/introversion! We got almost no extrovert-extrovert pairs?! Only 5% of people who responded are extroverts married to another extroverts. Perhaps extroverts don’t like newsletters?
Introvert-Introvert pairs made up about 40% of those who responded, while 55% of those who responded are in a marriage with one introvert and one extrovert.
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Now, let’s take a look at how the different combinations can affect marriage!
MBTI and Marriage: When extroverts marry introverts
An equal number of men and women are extroverted/introverted. So this isn’t a gender issue, though we often think women are extroverts and men are introverts. But this difference can definitely cause problems!
Here’s one example: how we solve problems.
Renee and James found themselves at a familiar impasse — once again. A simple misunderstanding during dinner had somehow mushroomed into a full-blown fight. Renee, the Extrovert, wanted to deal with it now, hoping they could resolve the conflict before it escalated any further. But James, the Introvert, was nowhere near ready to discuss it. Although he really didn’t understand what had happened to cause the rift, he knew he needed time by himself to think about it.
Extroverts will want to talk it out right then; introverts need time to process. So extrovert spouses: give your spouse time to think! And introverted spouses: remember that your spouse needs to hear your heart and needs to know what you think and feel. Make it a point to deliberately share something everyday, even if it seems odd. A good practice to get into is the High/Low sharing exercise!
When you ask an Extrovert a question, he or she will usually start talking. This is because Extroverts think out loud. But with Introverts, the opposite is more often true. When you ask an Introvert a question, he or she will usually pause before answering…Not only do Extroverts speak first and think second, but they also tend to act before they think. As a result, they are usually quick to become engaged in new and interesting situations, they like being out in front, and they are comfortable in the spotlight.
Not surprisingly, this leads to differences in how we choose to spend free time. Extroverts want to be involved in things with lots of people; introverts will want to be alone more or with small groups of people. Parties will exhaust them, and may require days to recover from. Extroverts will thrive at parties.
Understandably, Introverts choose to have fewer people in their lives, and they are more often close friends or confidants. Most Extroverts, however, “collect” people and often have a stable of friends and acquaintances with whom they enjoy spending time.
If you’re an extrovert married to an introvert, become involved in some same sex groups where you can get together with friends without requiring your spouse to come along!
When Extroverts Marry Extroverts
Here’s the one that I’m most familiar with: Keith and I are both extroverts. That may seem like we wouldn’t have any problems, since we have similar approaches. We enjoy other people. We talk problems through immediately. We easily spend time together.
Nevertheless, there can be some drawbacks that it’s still good to be aware of.
Because we’re both so outwardly focused, and because we process through talking, if we’re upset about something, we have to discuss it right then and there. However, because we haven’t had a lot of time to process it, we can often escalate arguments far beyond what they should be. We don’t seem to have an “off” switch. It’s like the more we talk, the louder the volume gets, because we’re reacting to what the other person is saying–even if what the other person is saying hasn’t been thought through clearly.
For instance, if we’re upset, I may feel angry, but I’m not always sure why I’m angry. I haven’t had time to process it yet. So I tend to verbalize the first thought that comes to my mind–even if, had I thought and talked it through more, I would have realized that I wasn’t actually angry about that. Nevertheless, it’s now been said, and so Keith reacts to that, and it grows from there.
If what I say initially is only 80% accurate, and then Keith reacts to that in a way that’s only 80% accurate, and I react to what he says in a way that’s only 80% accurate…well, pretty soon we’re arguing about something that’s only about 33% accurate (I know you can’t measure things exactly like that, but you get the picture!).
Extroverts would benefit from taking a bit of a time out when they’re angry, and taking a big step back and get out of this reacting-reacting cycle. One of the best ways to do this is to stop reacting to what the other person is saying and start talking instead about what your deepest need is at this moment. I talk about that in this post on how to resolve conflict, and it’s one of the big “thoughts” in my book 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage. When we can figure out the underlying emotional need in any situation, we can stop the negative reactive cycle and get to the heart of the problem.
How Can 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage Help You?
Do you find yourself spinning your wheels when you’re having a fight? You say all kinds of things, but nothing ever gets solved.
In fact, you tend to have the same fight over and over again.
Maybe it’s because you haven’t learned the secret to resolving conflict–it’s about unmet emotional needs, and it can change everything for you.
Stop the blame game–and start solving these problems! It’s easier than you think.
Check out 9 Thoughts here.
When Introverts Marry Introverts
Introverts don’t tend to have the same social needs that extroverts have, but that doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from or need community.
When two introverts marry, they might find it easy to retreat into their own little world and not make as much of an effort to find good community. Many introverts may be perfectly happy and content if they only ever had to see their family for the next few years.
But the problem is that even if you don’t get your energy from interactions with other people, you still need community. So the introverted couple may have a unique struggle to fight reclusiveness and find social outings and interactions that they enjoy and make them a scheduled part of their week, similar to how you would working out or going grocery shopping.
On top of fighting reclusiveness in social situations, many introverts may find they need to learn to fight the urge to become reclusive in their everyday experiences. If you are able to process things internally, you still need to share the result of your processing with your spouse. Two introverts who find themselves in conflict may both come to solutions to the conflict and rectify it in their own minds but never actually communicate their internal journey with the other. But it’s sharing that internal journey that is what allows you to share your heart with your spouse.
Focusing on communication, even if you feel you’ve already processed it on your own, allows you to bring your spouse into your experience. And that shared experience is crucial in marriage. Again, the High/Low exercise may feel awkward, but it’s so much easier than asking the question “how was your day”, and it allows your spouse in.
So now we’ve tackled the extrovert/introvert scale. Next week we’ll turn to Sensing/Intuition, or detail person vs. big picture person.
Let me know in the comments: are you an introvert or extrovert? How does that affect your marriage?
And if you want to learn more, check out Just Your Type!
Posts in the MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale (this one!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m an ISTJ married to INFJ. When it’s good it’s great! When it’s not it’s so confusing!!!! We have been married almost 16 years and have s great marriage, both totally committed and love each other. But with my “logical to the core thinking” and his “mystic, spontaneous feeling of life” we just simply DO NOT understand each other on some things. When we are not agreeing on something he simply cannot understand how I can be upset about “specifics” when “we love each other, why does anything else matter?” It drives me insane! Lol but at the end of the day he is right, we do love each other!
Ah, yes, the T/F dynamic! We’ll be tackling that next week, but it is a huge issue, especially when it comes to feeling loved. The E/I dynamic is an issue when it comes to feeling important, because Es can often feel like Is don’t really love or need them since they don’t share. But the T/F dynamic is a big one for feeling loved, since Fs can feel like Ts don’t really care about their feelings, which are the essence of who they are! It’s all very challenging, but the good thing is that it shows you how to be mindful of the way you treat one another!
Introvert married to an extrovert. Of the 4 kids, only one is an extrovert. He has a very close bond to his dad, since the two of them are the “chatty” ones in the house!
It was epitomized on a flight home from vacation a few years ago. We were sitting in two rows of 3. In my row, almost nothing was said in the whole flight, beyond “Apple juice please” and “Can you reach the crayon I dropped?”
In the row behind me, one kid put on headphones and retreated.
DH and DS sat and talked the whole way! (the rest of us were just happy they were together and not bugging anyone else!)
Too funny, Emily! Whereas my family are pretty much all extroverts (except for David, Katie’s husband!). So we’re the ones talking to everyone else on the plane!
I am an introvert married to an extrovert but I am more introverted than he is extroverted, if that makes sense. I tend to go deep with my thoughts and feelings and definitely process things internally and forget or think it is unnecessary to rehash my process to get to my resolution. I need to get better with that. My husband being an ESFJ rarely ever gets upset with me, as he is always trying to understand me better, but when he does get mad he always walks away instead of immediately engaging like most extroverts. He grew up in a yelling house and had a yelling first marriage and has a strong commitment never to be like that again, so he actually steps away to process things before he wants to talk about them. That is nice for me being the introvert, but usually by the time he is ready to discuss, I have already worked it out in my mind and don’t really want to talk about it anymore. Lol
Ah, yes, once you’ve worked it out, you’re done and don’t need to process! That’s one of the hardest parts to get over as an introvert–that need to speak it out loud just so the extrovert feels involved and connected. Too funny!
By the way, that’s good that your husband is trying to avoid yelling, but I can see how that can also cause its problems if he retreats too much. But it’s always good to recognize potential pitfalls and avoid them.
I’m a mild extrovert (I tend to be more energized by small groups than large groups, which has me staying at the big parties all the way till the end, when most people have gone home and it’s just 8-10 left, and then I don’t want it to end), married to an I’m not totally sure…. he usually gets about 50/50 on the tests in this area. I’d guess mild introvert. It hasn’t created too much issue in our marriage because we’re both mild.
But one thing you hit on here that has been HUGE for us, is internal vs external processor. We did “No More Perfect Marriages” by Mark and Jill Savage in our SS class at church last year, which is just about the best marriage book I’ve ever read and was an awesome study. They talk about personality a lot also, and they do hit on the Myer-Briggs stuff, but they talk about other areas too, and one of them is internal v external processor. I’m absolutely external, I finally embraced that I talk to myself when I’m at home with the kids, because when I’ve got something on my mind and I want to process it, I have to say it out loud, even if it’s just going into the abyss. Husband is more internal (I have a suspicion that this means he’s just not processing anything at all, but that’s probably what all externals married to internals say 🙂 ), or at least has fewer words, and I’m always telling him that when I’m talking about something, I need him to talk WITH me and not just sit there “listening”, because that’s part of processing it for me. He’s improved (some) in the last 12 years, mostly because I’ve gotten to the point of saying “It’s your turn to talk”. I don’t know how much of external/internal is related to introvert/extrovert, I’ve never heard it framed like that BUT I’ve also not heard about internal/external much outside that book and here.
Yes, the external processor vs. internal processor is HUGE.
One other thing that I didn’t mention, but taking this even further, is that other functions relate to how you process. So, for instance, I’m an extrovert and a thinker, which means I like to process my thoughts out loud. When I’m confused about something, or mad about something, I need to speak it out.
But my feeling function is introverted (it’s my shadow side). So when I’m sad, I don’t talk. I need to be by myself, and I actually run from people (it’s why I have such a hard time going to church when I’m in the middle of a grieving time. Like if the anniversary of my son’s death is ever on a Sunday, I often skip church, or go for the sermon but step out during the worship). Its’ not that I don’t want to be with God; it’s that when I’m heavily into the feeling side, I can’t be with people.
So our other functions determine WHAT we process out loud. Some introverted thinkers, for instance, may become quite extroverted when they’re dealing with feelings. It’s kind of funny! I didn’t want to put all that in the post, but it is interesting how it can vary.
This is incredibly helpful! I am not completely certain of my wife’s type, but I know she is extroverted. However, I have always been confused by her when she sometimes shuts herself up and suddenly seems uninterested in people and struggles to articulate herself. I tend to think of her as an F, probably because she is that direction from me (as are several inanimate objects—I’m INTJ), but this leads me to suspect she may actually be a T. If, when feelings are involved she sometimes becomes far more introverted, a lot of things make more sense to me.
Thank you, and I am looking forward to the rest of the series!
My husband and I are both mild introverts, actually both ISTJ. I think it is harder for him to seek out social interaction just because he is at work all day and is all “peopled” out when he gets home for the evening or the weekend. I deal with two toddlers all day and hence need to seek out adult conversation… which he doesn’t always want after a full day of work 🙂 I do enjoy “hanging out” with friends, but it’s definitely usually in a one on one setting, and I very much value my time alone. We are both very involved in our church community but also get rather burned out when it eats up too much of our time.
Yes, church involvement can definitely be hard when you’re both Is! It’s so important, but it’s also important to know your own limits and be comfortable with that. It’s amazing how many of the prophets were actually Is. Being an I is totally okay, even if the Christian church is always pushing you to be an E!
So we are both introverts INTP (him) & ISFJ (me). He is actually the one that plans things with friends, interestingly enough. I enjoy people if I actually make myself get out of the house and be around them, but I would happily just hang out with my family forever, so it’s really a big help that he actually prioritizes external friendships. We are pretty much on the same page and enjoy a quiet life. We do sometimes forget to tell each other things, because we both have the sense that once we have thought them through, we have finished the process and feel like we’ve already communicated even though we haven’t. It is funny, but can cause logistical problems.
One of the other funny things relates to cognitive functions. We have the same ones in totally different order, so we are 100% missing Se/Ni and Te/Fi, which does make for some pretty big gaps in our partnership. It’s also funny because we do talk about the things that touch on our extraverted functions, so we tend to communicate largely about interesting, varied ideas with Ne and feelings, Fe. We actually talk a lot as a couple, but again, often not about the kinds of logistical, longer-term things we’ve been processing internally.
Ah, yes, the cognitive functions are really interesting, aren’t they? Keith and I actually have quite opposite ones, so it does give us lots to talk about, and it definitely does stretch us!
(I just found out he’s an F not a T like we’ve thought for 25 years! I’ll be telling that story in my Friday newsletter this week, so sign up for those of you who haven’t yet!).
Oh boy. Can your personality fluctuate throughout the year or in certain situations? I score as about 75% introverted but reading your descriptions, I identify with a lot of extroverted characteristics as well. I generally want to spend lots of time with my spouse, who is a strong introvert and wants more alone time. I feel hungry for more social interaction a lot of the time. When we are “fighting,” I generally want to deal with the issue right away… or just bury it indefinitely. Maybe some of it has to do with circumstances? I’m a newish SAHM who doesn’t get out a lot during the day for various reasons. So when my husband comes home I can’t wait to talk with him, and he just wants some headspace to destress from the day. When I was working it was fast paced with (too many) people all day long and I just wanted to be alone for like, a whole hour, after work before talking to my hubby. But at that time he wanted to talk through detailed technical problems that are way over my head, while my brain was at full capacity decompressing from the day.
I think I’m starting to solve my problem just by rambling and typing my thoughts out as I go right now. What does that say about my personality ? 😉 Does that make me an introvert?
This is a fun series. It’s really making me think!
Hi Anon! That is funny that you’re figuring it out as you type. 🙂
I’d take the test and see what it types you as. It asks a whole bunch of questions that are about all the different aspects of introversion/extraversion, so it can sometimes isolate it better, because often we’re just focusing on one type.
Remember when you’re taking the test to try to answer as if it’s your GUT, not necessarily as if it’s what you’re feeling at the moment because of temporary circumstances. My husband typed as a T when he was in medical school, but he’s definitely an F! Sometimes reading the four letter description will help you to see it more clearly, too!
Had to chime in here (how ESFJ-like of me, I know)! I second taking the test! 🙂
When I’ve been trying to type my friends/family, I’ve often been stumped by introversion and extroversion at times because I know some introverted people that are completely fun, life of the party people and that threw me for a loop! One thing that helped, though, is looking at the second cognitive function in a person’s type. If Fe (extroverted feeling) is there, it’s often harder to distinguish whether that person is an introvert or extrovert because they’re more comfortable using that function regularly by their 20s. It gives the impression of being more of a mix between the two!
Yes, so true! I wish I had enough Wednesdays to talk about cognitive functions as well, but I’m glad so many people are bringing it up in the comments. For those of you reading, if you find this interesting, just google MBTI and cognitive functions. It’s quite entertaining (but you’ll get more out of it if you know your type first!)
Hi Sheila! I’ve taken the test and read descriptions of individual traits as well as the full personality types. I always feel like I have traits on both ends of the spectrum! I score as INFP so that’s what I have to go on I guess! My husband scores as ISFJ and he feels like it is 100% him. I’m jealous that he’s able to put himself in a box so easily! I always see the truth in both sides of a situation so I guess that makes it hard to understand myself sometimes!
I finally read the article about cognitive functions that Rebecca linked. My type makes a lot more sense now! It’s still not a perfect fit but understanding the cognitive functions ties everything together.
I’m glad! Isn’t this stuff kind of interesting and fun? 🙂 (It helps that Rebecca and I are the same type, because then she does all this cool research and then tells me what I am.)
Introvert married to introvert here. We moved to a small quiet town where we know nobody, and both started working from home! This must sound like a horror story to extroverts 🙂 We enjoyed it very much. We ended up meeting some nice couples and making friends. We schedule meeting other people to at least once a week 🙂 It is indeed necessary.
As for talking to each other, during his recovery from porn we started having a daily talk about how he is feeling, how he is managing, how I am feeling and managing etc. (there is a name for it but I forgot it). We preserved and extended this practice so that every evening we touch base on several important topics. So in a way we schedule talking to each other about important stuff too, I guess 🙂
Wow, sounds like you guys are so proactive! That’s awesome.
Rebecca and Connor (my daughter and son-in-law) are both going to be working from home together starting in September, and they’re so excited about it! I think it can work well for extroverts, too. (But then, they also plan a lot of dates with other couples periodically!).
That’s great that you have the daily checkup thing, too!
Some things we have noticed that could be useful for them, though I think they are rather obvious:
– higher bills when you are whole day at home as opposed to when the home is empty whole day
– sometimes we just need to go out a bit, which ends up being a bit of an additional expense
– work space needs to be work space only, so that you can focus when you enter it, and forget about work when you leave it
– so important for the way we feel to take a shower and get dressed relatively nicely in the morning, even if we are not going anywhere
– more regular cleaning and arranging needed, because when the house looks bad it makes us feel bad
– my husband cannot sleep unless he does a daily workout, so we got an elliptical trainer at home, I use it sometimes too. We definitely move less and need to work out more to compensate
On the positive side: so great to have breakfast, lunch and dinner together, to discuss any time we want, to go shopping on Monday early afternoon when all the shops are empty, and so on, we really love it!!
Oh, such great tips! I should turn this into a blog post for sure! I love it. You’ve got like 7 points there (if you include the last bit) so that’s almost a top 10 Tuesday! I think I’ll copy and schedule it for a few months after they’ve been working at home together so they can add some more. 🙂
But I totally agree.
and especially your point about the importance of getting dressed and looking nice! Let’s fight the frump!
Okay, I’ve got another story for you. I remember when my kids were young, like maybe 2 and 4, our house was always a mess and slightly chaotic. I tried to take them out for a special outing everyday, but we also had play stuff in the living room, and crafts on the table. It felt like the house was never clean.
Then one day we went over to a friend’s house who had kids the same age. She was having a dinner party, and her house was immaculate. For about a week I was so depressed and down on myself. But then I realized that she worked outside the home and had her kids in daycare. They got home at 5:45, and the kids went to bed at 7:30. In total, they were only awake in the house for about 3 hours a day, and most of that was either getting ready to go out or getting ready for bed. So you really couldn’t compare!
When we’re in the house, we make more mess. Absolutely. I find that even with dishes. But it’s good to remember that it doesn’t mean you’re a slob. It just means you’re living in your house!
Very true! 🙂
And I am happy that I could also contribute to a future post 🙂
Good luck to Rebecca and Connor and I hope they enjoy it!
“ExtrAvert” is the technical term from the Latin “extravertierte.” ExtrOvert” is the misspelling that has become widely accepted except in the field of psychology. I ran into that when I started my master’s. 😁
My hubby is extremely introverted, he falls to the far edge of the scale. I’m also introverted, but only just “barely.” We’ve found that our dynamic sometimes shifts to a mimicry of the introvert/extravert pattern, but at other times we just take it in turns to go hide in our home offices. 😅
Ha! That’s great to know about the spellings. It explains a lot! In the book it’s extrAvert, but I’ve seen extrovert all over the MBTI stuff on the internet, too. I tend to spell it extrAvert, but I do go back and forth.
A lot of people have no idea what being an introvert really means. I’m an introvert, but I love going out and spending time with my friends. I think the biggest difference between me and my extrovert friends is I MUST have some time at home each day. It’s more difficult now that I’m working 8-hour days, but I still get at least a bit of time for myself.
Yes, that’s so good to know about yourself! And it really relates to sex, too. I wish I had an extra Wednesday to talk about the MBTI and sex! But if you’re an Introvert, and especially a female introvert, you simply MUST take that time to yourself everyday if you want to be able to get “in the mood” with your husband later that night. If you feel starved for some me-time and thinking time, then sex will seem like an imposition. But if you feel grounded, it’s much easier to relax for sex!
I’m an ISTJ married to an INTJ, and it is such a relief to “get” each other’s introverted quirks! Like how we both need alone time to recharge (even from each other – despite being madly in love!), or how neither of us loves city life (even if “nothing happens” in rural Wyoming), or how we process things internally and even how we argue (which would look nothing like arguing to most extroverts!).
But one thing I’ve learned is that, in every pair, there’s always one who’s a little more extroverted, and that would be me. And over 11 years of marriage, my husband has grown to appreciate when I gently nudge him to be more sociable – and I’ve grown to appreciate his greater need of solitude and the richness of his internal world.
So true, Elizabeth! Keith is far more extroverted than I am. And he often has to push me to invite people over or see people more!
Ambivert. Neither of us are entirely intro or extra.
When you read the four letter personality type, though, is there one that resonates more with you? Like I’m on the very edge of E/I as well (I’m a 3 on the E out of 60), but I’m definitely an ENTJ and not an INTJ. Sometimes it’s the combination that shows you more!
Extrovert married to extrovert (and now I can’t stop thinking about the spelling thing now that you mentioned it!) of the same type, no less, and we definitely both like sorting things out right away. Truthfully, this propensity has led to a relatively calm marriage so far (we’re only 7.5 months in) because, as ESFJs, we seek to promote harmony in our environment between ourselves and other people. One of the most helpful things for us as extroverts is that, when we aren’t ready to discuss something and know we need to, we’re both able to say that we need space for a bit to think clearly and discuss fairly. Though we both process out loud sometimes, the Si (introverted sensing) is strong in me so I have to do internal processing as well- so I journal! It’s great too because my husband gets it and encourages me to process that way especially so I have clear thoughts for when I talk with him afterward.
Thank you so much for doing this series! For one, I love reading other people’s stories and seeing how they’ve used this knowledge in the marriages, and two, it reveals a beautiful depth to each type that puts me in awe of God’s wonderful creating power and care for his creation. 🙂
C, I love what you said in the last paragraph especially. It’s so neat to see that God has made us all different, and that no one personality is “right”. We need all of them! And there are great strengths to all of them. We can learn so much from each other, and I think this is one way that God refines us especially. It is lovely!
I’m very much an introvert. On some tests, I come 100% introverted, which I’m positive is a slight exaggeration, but it does give a good idea of what I’m like. I make decisions based on personal values and wear my feelings on the inside like a fur coat (Fi). I like to talk through ideas and other things that are interesting (I hate small talk) when I feel like it. Anyway, very introverted.
My husband is extraverted. Not that he never needs downtime, especially after dealing with his coworkers who is in charge of. Sometimes he feels like he deals with “children” all day at work only to come home and have his actual children want his attention. But at least he can actually punish the small ones when they disobey. However, he will be playing a video game on the laptop and watching a show on his phone at the same time, which boggles my mind. I can’t multitask that way. He talks a lot even to random strangers we will never see again. I find that so odd. He worries about how others are feeling and wants a good atmosphere. I don’t know his type, but I know that he has extraverted feeling and extraverted intuition. The random what if scenarios he comes up with are crack me up sometimes. This is of course the same man who tries to only take out the kitchen trash right before trash day every week and gets annoyed if he has to take it out twice in a week. 😀 He is always wanting to do things in the most efficient way, and it confounds him the way I will bounce from task to task going back from one room to another, especially when it comes to getting ready in the morning or to bed at night. He does everything he has to do in one room before moving to the other while I go back and forth as I need to in a routine that makes sense to me. He finds it odd and even annoying if I’m going past him often during the process.
We have our differences, but we get along well. He makes sure I’m comfortable and having a good time at social gatherings, and he helps me calm down if my anxiety escalates. He’s a good papa, and he helps me out with chores even if I have to ask him if I want him to do something that he isn’t normally responsible for. We have been married 10 years, and we dated 5 years before we got married. And I can’t imagine my life without him. Even if we clash at times when I have to say, “let me think first!” Or he will say “I love you” a million times a day to get me to say it back or ask me every so often “are you okay?” Because of some expression on my face or difference in my demeanor that I’m not even aware of. 😀 And while I may run into our room to cry, I know deep down, he will find me and hold me and encourage me to talk to him no matter how long it takes even though if he’s upset, I don’t have the same response. It’s just not how I am, and he accepts it. We are different, but we’ve learned to accept each other and help each other in multiple ways. He’s my best friend beyond a doubt.
Oh, that’s so lovely, Rachel! I love how your differences balance you out! That’s great.
And I totally get that amazement at a husband who will strike up conversations with random strangers. Keith does that all the time! I find it so odd, but no one seems to mind, and he often meets really interesting people.
Thanks. I think we mesh well too. I don’t often think to say such things unless I have a prompt and can write it out. I know he would appreciate more words of affirmation, but it doesn’t occur to me often. Maybe I should try and write him notes. Writing is so much easier than talking. 🙂
Writing notes sounds like a really good idea, actually. Words of affirmation are really important to me too, and being able to go back and read them sounds awesome. Like getting them all over again ☺️
Definite introvert (INTP) married to a kinda sorta maybe extravert (ESTJ?). At least, he’s much more outgoing than I am, though we both don’t mind being homebodies. If he’s upset about something, he talks it out right away, but if I’m upset, it’s very hard to order my thoughts into words, which is frustrating to both of us. But he’s very sympathetic and caring, and is good about getting me to open up, even if it takes some time.
What about ambiverts? Both my husband and I are right smack in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. We’ve taken the MBTI multiple times over the years and during different times in the day when we’re in different moods, and we’ve both gotten both E’s and I’s (though E tends to be what we get most often since that’s the side we show the world, though we both like to retreat and find respite in alone time). It’s a very interesting combination/dynamic, and equally interesting that we’re both almost identical in that respect, though we’re not the same MBTI type.
I’m going to be honest, the idea of an “ambivert” really only works when you’re looking at the letters E and I independently from the other three that make up your Myers-Briggs type, which is not how Myers-Briggs was designed to be used. I’m not an E, an N, a T, and a J–I’m an ENTJ, the result of the combination of the four. So the “ambivert” idea came from a line of thinking around personality types that each letter needs to be a 100% definitive answer, but that’s not always the case. That’s actually missing out on the idea of cognitive functions. (E.g., I often am mis-typed as an ENTP but when I read the cognitive functions of P-types versus J-types, it’s a no-brainer.)
When Carl Jung created his personality type theories, he did so with the belief that very few people would be extreme, 100% anything. So when doing myers-briggs tests and you come up as almost exactly the middle, it’s important to look at what’s your natural cognitive function. Not just what your normal behaviour is–but what you do naturally. For example, my husband is very methodical and really good at working at something slowly and diligently for a long time (e.g., daily Bible reading, working out 5x a week religiously, or dieting), which makes him look like an S-type. But that’s because he learned to do that, he’s naturally a pretty impulsive person and is definitely an N-type.
Here’s a good article on ambiversion: https://www.16personalities.com/articles/on-the-topic-of-ambiversion
So I would look at the cognitive functions (article here: https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/06/if-youre-confused-about-your-myers-briggs-personality-type-read-this-an-intro-to-cognitive-functions/) and recognize that you and your husband have likely just done a great job at learning how to work in both extraverted and introverted situations well, which actually requires a decent amount of emotional maturity. 🙂
Hope that makes sense!
Very interesting an informative, Rebecca. I didn’t know about the Jung history. Thanks for the reply!
I´m an introvert married to an introvert. I don´t think I would cope being married to an extrovert, sounds like horror 🙂
We don´t spend a lot of time with friends and if we do it´s usually one or two at the time who come to our house or we meet up with a friend individually outside of the home.
The hardest part so far has been the huge stress having children has been for us. With children in the house you have to focus your energy outwards all the time and as we both need much alone-time (preferably 2-3 hours every day) we both have been quite drained for almost 15 years now. It´s getting a bit better now that they are teenagers though.
Whenever we have a weekend alone without the kids we always start out with a few hours apart to wind down so that we can enjoy each others company later. Without that transition time we usually end up fighting and I feel bulldozed. My husband has a more introverted job than I do so he usually manages to wind down before the weekend starts, but I don´t.
The best part of being two introverts is that it´s perfectly OK for us to say to the other ”I don´t want to talk right now” and both know that it´s nothing personal. Extroverts are much more hurt by this.
No, actually the best part is that we have amazing conversations when we actually do talk. There´s so much going on in our heads that we always have very interesting stuff to talk about when we´re up for it. He is by far the most interesting person to talk to that I have ever met.
That’s so funny what you said about being able to say “I don’t want to talk right now.” My husband and I are both extraverts and if either of us says that, the other knows that something is REALLY wrong. Like Defcon 1 kind of thing. 🙂
Also I really like your starting weekends away with a few hours alone–I think that’s such a great idea.
Introvert married to introvert, except I am a fairly extreme introvert who very much needs to process things internally, while my hubby is more of an introvert in that spending time with other people wears him out, but he is kind of extroverted (spell check just changed my ‘a’ to an ‘o’!) in that he really needs to talk through problems/issues/ideas. Sometimes it drives me crazy, especially when I am tired and haven’t had the mental space to process an argument yet!
I fit the typical ISTP mould of being the crazy life of the party type (occasionally!) but keeping it all at a shallow, small talk type level. So I’m kind of the fun one that people don’t really know that well.
Also, it is so hard to be an extreme introvert and a mother! It is especially difficult to find that ‘me time escape’ when under times of stress, and sometimes I feel so swamped that I really dont feel like hugging my kid who really needs a hug, and that can be so hard!
And then sometimes I get so deep inside my head that I really need a distraction from myself! This happened to me this week when I was working by myself for hours and hours on end, in a job that required very little thinking, so I was left alone with my thoughts. By the end of the day I was an emotional wreck, and I had to take some headphones and music to work the next day so I didn’t wind up in too deep again!
Two introverts here, and it’s been GOOD! We totally love spending time together, just the two of us. We jokingly say that we are not two introverts, we are one introvert:). It does take an effort to be part of a community, but by God’s grace, we’ve been growing in that slowly but surely. Just need to make a decision to invite people over or to go somewhere and plan some time afterwards alone or just the two of us;)
ENFP here, which I’ve read in a couple of articles from other sites that we tend to be ambiverts, and I couldn’t agree more with this. I do get my energy from being around other, but it has to be certain people I feel I truly vibe with, otherwise my energy is completely zapped afterwards. I tend to keep my circle pretty small, although I do have many acquaintances; I usually just connect with them in passing or via social media. Also, I definitely require some “me time” fairly often so I can be alone to process my thoughts, although being the extravert I am, will start to feel lonely after too much alone time and will start to seek out social interaction quick! Haha!
I do agree with introvert partners and how they can inadvertently make extraverts feel like they don’t care about us – I often feel that way about my husband, who is ISFP (and those buggers REALLY hide their feelings well!). It’s made for some pretty gnarly fights over the 17 years we’ve been together.
My aunt’s an ENFP, and she definitely doesn’t strike me as the typical E, so I totally get where you’re coming from!
And, yes, those E/I combinations are difficult, aren’t they? It’s hard to feel connected when someone won’t tell you what’s on their heart. But on the other hand, they don’t feel the same need to do so. And that’s a hard combination!
I’m an ENFP and I’m the same way! It’s like being an outgoing introvert 🙂
OK, now I’m even more confused (after 26 years of marriage). :)My husband and I are both introverts and have similar personalities. I’m an ISTJ. We are both verbal processors, but I’m the one that needs time to resolve conflicts and my husband wants to hash things out right away and is sometimes hurt when I want to wait.
We do love to spend time together, although we may each be reading something quietly. It feels like when we’re together alone that we’re still getting “alone” time.
Thanks for your article!