Are you a detail person or a big picture person? And how does that affect your marriage?
This month, for Wifey Wednesdays, we’re looking at personality differences, using the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator). The MBTI figures out people’s personalities based on four different scales. I explained how MBTI and marriage work in the big picture in our first post in the series, and then last week we looked at the introversion/extroversion scale. Today we’re going to look at the S/N scale–sensing vs. intuition.
As a major, major N (I don’t even register on the S side of the scale!) I love this difference the most. So let me explain a bit what it is, and then we’ll move to how it affects marriage.
What is the S/N Scale in the MBTI?
Here’s how the book Just Your Type, which details all about the 16 different personality types and how they act in marriage, explains it:
Sensors take in information through their five senses, paying close attention to what something looks, sounds, feels, tastes, or smells like. That’s why they’re usually such realistic and practical people. In contrast, Intuitives look at the world quite differently. Rather than focus on what is, they see what could be, questioning the reasons why it is as it is and how it’s related to other things. Rather than trust and rely on their five senses, it’s as if they use their sixth sense to understand and make sense of things.
So sensors will focus on details and will tend to remember things; intuitives will often ignore details but see, and get excited by, the possibilities.
Intuitives often love theories and ideas, even if they have no practical application. Sensor types have little use for things which aren’t practical. Sensors tend to like to find a hobby or a skill and master it; intuitives may like new hobbies as well, but will often have just as much fun finding their own way of learning it than of mastering it. Once they have mastered it, they immediately will want to find a new way of doing it, or else they’ll grow bored and move on.
MBTI and Marriage: When Sensors Marry Intuitives
Sensors like to deal with the here and now. Intuitives like to see the possibilities. Sensors are highly practical. Intuitives are highly creative. Can you see the potential for problems? A sensor may want to do all the finances on Quicken and have a 10 year plan. An intuitive may always be dreaming up the next entrpeneurial idea!
Intuitives are often attracted to sensors because they ground them. To sensors, an intuitive seems exciting! But as you try to live out life, this can grate on people.
As I told you in our first post, THIS is the one of the big differences that Keith and I have. He’s very much a sensor type. He learned Swahili by picking up a book and studying it systematically. When he started bird-watching, he learned all the birds down to the exact detail, including its calls. I got bored of that pretty quickly (though I do love going for birdwatching hikes!).
When we’re traveling in our RV, Keith likes to have the trip planned out, with reservations for each night. I like to just drive and stay wherever we find ourselves. I’m far more comfortable with ambiguity; he wants things figured out.
But our biggest difference? Whenever I find someone is doing something inefficiently, I will find a better way of doing it. Just because something “has always been done that way” means absolutely nothing to me. I have to shake things up. Keith, though, loves systems. I’m always trying to change things; Keith says, “if it’s working, why break it?” That may make me seem irresponsible and him seem boring (if you’re taking it to an extreme).
What we’ve found that works is just talking it out, and making lists about what are our values and where we want to move towards. That helps clarify things. And if I want to go off on a tangent, that’s fine–as long as I don’t expect him to come with me! If I want to cause a battle over something in church, for instance, I can’t expect him to charge in with me.
When Two Sensors Marry
Sensors love systems and details and process. So sensors will thrive on adopting systems–and then they will keep at it. So the challenge that two sensors will face is that they may not re-evaluate often enough to see if something isn’t working. They’re more likely to get stuck in a rut, whether it’s not evaluating a new way of dividing up housework when additional kids come along, or new ways of doing their budget, or even when it’s time to find a new church.
Sensors tend to be loyal to the systems that are in place, and may avoid trying new things. They may find that marriage suddenly doesn’t seem exciting, but they may not be able to put their finger on exactly why. Sensors would benefit from actually scheduling (and sensors like scheduling!) some special “sexy” nights when you can be more adventurous in bed, or in deciding to try a new couple’s hobby once a year.
When Two Intuitives Marry
Two intuitives may love making big picture plans and coming up with big picture goals. What they have a much harder time doing is figuring out if any of those goals are actually attainable, or breaking them down into practical steps that they can be taking now.
They may love setting savings goals, for example, but may have difficulty sticking to a budget–or even making a detailed budget.
They also will tend to get distracted and bored with things very quickly. A typical house owned by two Intuitives is filled with unfinished projects. One weekend the couple may tackle something big that excites them, but the next weekend they’re bored, and decide to tackle something else.
My daughter Rebecca and her husband Connor are both Ns: he’s an ENTP and she’s an ENTJ. Here’s Rebecca on how this works:
“What we’ve found is that we’ve had to learn how to be a bit of a tether for the other, since I’m always wanting to reorganize the entire house because I’ve thought of a better way to make the kitchen “flow”, and Connor’s always getting pulled to the next project, game, or activity he wants to try. We’re quite happy to live in their heads, trying new things and re-arranging their lives again and again and again until there’s no structure and neither of us knows where anything is! So when Connor sees me re-arranging the house, he asks, “Is this actually necessary?” And when Connor wants to buy a new game, I ask, “Didn’t you just buy that other one last week? Are you done it already?”
But, Connor still has hundreds of games on his Steam account and I’ve just rearranged the linen closet yesterday so I’m not sure how good we actually are at reigning each other in.”
So now we’ve tackled the S/N scale. Next week we’ll turn to Thinking/Feeling, and talk about how we make decisions.
Where are YOU, my readers, on the Intuiting/Sensing scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. We found that, most of the time, anyway, opposites really do attract: almost 70% of the people responded were married to a person with the opposite preference for intuiting/sensing. About 20% both prefer sensing and almost 10% both prefer intuiting. Apparently Becca and Connor are the minority!
And it looks like we’ve got about 55% of people saying that they’re S and 45% saying that they’re N. Most MBTI materials, I think, put S’s nearer to 70%, so it could be that people THINK they’re different, when it’s just that one is more of an S than the other!
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Let me know in the comments: are you big picture person or a detail person? How does that affect your marriage?
And if you want to learn more, check out Just Your Type!
Posts in the MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale (this one!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I can’t help laughing at this one, because that description of the opposites is so accurate for me and my husband. I’m an N (INFP), and he’s definitely an S (ISTJ, if I remember correctly.) It shows up most when it comes to housework for us. I’ve tried pretty much every system I can think of to keep up with it– bullet journal lists, cleaning routines, etc. and I still struggle with it because I always get sidetracked with something else. I was always the kid who could never keep her room clean, because I’d go to put one thing away, and then get distracted by something that needed to be done in that area of the room, and then I’d find an interesting book, and I’d end up just kind of shuffling the mess around and never getting anywhere. Whereas he’s the type who loves to organize things systematically, has a checklist that he’s currently going through for things he’d like to get done before his upcoming time off of work, and always says I’m “phase jumping” whenever I ask about something that needs to happen later in the process. Honestly, it’s often easier for me to just step back and let him handle what needs to be done on his own, but I’m trying to figure out how to make this more of a team effort without both of us getting frustrated.
That is funny! As a high N, I’m always having to come up with spreadsheets and ways of organizing myself, or else I’d forget my head. I’m so focused on the goal that I don’t worry about the details, and I often forget really important things. So I’ve compensated by coming up with elaborate systems in Evernote and Gmail and my calendar and more so that things don’t fall by the wayside. To look at me you’d think I’m a super detail person, but I’m not. It’s just that us high Ns have to overcome a natural tendency to forget important details. Like, I’ll go to the store for milk and come back $100 poorer with tons of groceries–and no milk.
Story of my life on forgetting the *one item* I actually needed at the store! It’s super frustrating because I feel like I run circles around myself half the time!
Great series Sheila, I think your last post convinced me I’m an extrovert rather than introvert!
Glad you’re enjoying it! 🙂
This was a really interesting read! As an I(?)NFP married to an INTJ, I’ve observed that the kind of intuition (extraverted for me vs. introverted for him) makes a difference, too. While I’m usually coming up with new and different products for my business and reading several books at a time, he often works to improve what’s already there or gain insight in ways I would never have thought of. For example, he likes adding on to technological tools, optimizing systems, and always figuring out what’s going on in a movie before I do! (Haha)I like to branch out; he likes to look far ahead. So even though our intuitions are different, we can work together to be prepared for whatever future we can dream up.
I’m an N, but a low N.
He’s an S for sure!
So I puddle along in a happy muddle of ongoing projects, and he comes in and insists that even a work-in-progress has to have a home for while it’s not being worked on.
It’s good – without him the house would be chaos, and the kids enjoy my crazy ideas (mostly).
This was really interesting. I always had pegged my husband as more of an S, but after reading this, I think we’re both Ns. I’m maybe higher on the scale then he, but we both love talking about ideas and dreams for the future, how we could do things better, and we both have lots of unfinished projects because we’re too excited about new ideas and start another project before completing the first. 🙂
I am both. My test result shows N but I have a strong S side too. My husband is clearly a N though his test result showed S (might redo that again)
I am naturally organized, detailed and very much sensory in taking in the environment, but I also dream big, constantly change and approve things and I question everything. I learn new stuff all the time on my own terms. I am creative and structured. I swing back and forth between new ideas and mess making to detailed plans and organization.
We’re both N, (I’m ENTP, he’s ENFP) but not majorly. We can sometimes get stuck worrying over the trees, but overall we are big picture people. I do sweat details a little more than him, but that could be more my T than having shades of S, wanting to make decisions based on what makes sense.
I think trying to explain this dichotomy without having the introverted and extroverted versions makes it much too simplistic, but I get that it would take ages to actually go through all the cognitive functions. 😀
Anyway, my husband has extraverted Intuition in spades (if Ne, then Si). His what if scenarios and ideas are intriguing though. He loves alternative history and philosophy. See, it’s funny because my dad also likes philosophy, but he hates alternative history because “that’s not what happened” and my husband thinks, “but it would have been a fun discussion…but apparently, you don’t go for that kind of thing.” 😀
Me, I’m more extraverted sensing with introverted intuition. So, my husband and I can have some fun conversations, but I can’t always keep up too quickly. It’s an interesting life. 🙂
Yes, I’d love to go through the cognitive functions, but I don’t have the space! I do encourage people to try to look at the overall personality type, though–like all four letters, and see how those letters together show your approach to the world, because it is far more nuanced than this!
Sensor here! I love lists, routines, and systems! But I have been known to want to change things that aren’t working, so I’m not extreme.
We’re both INTJs, although mild ‘N’s.
It’s funny actually… his father is an ISTJ, and if you asked me 10yrs ago I would have said my husband was too. But with maturity & independence, he’s really grown into himself and he’s actually very much a stereotype of the INTJ personality.
Now, looking back on his upbringing, he feels his potential was very much underestimated. Expectations revolved around filling traditional roles, when in actuality he’s a real visionary with an exceptionally sharp mind! With that grounding in the ‘S’ type, he is still a very practical person and not inclined to fanciful ideas, but he will never lose sight of the wood for the trees!
I think this is interesting. I’m an INFJ and I think my husband has the N trait as well. However I do like to make lists and go through this way moor systematically than he does. I can plan our socks off but the follow through is tough for both of us. It’s kind of a push and pull, but that maybe due to my personality, as apparently INFJs are considered anomalies lol
I’m an ISTP, which the descriptions that I’ve read all put that type as the ‘getting excited but struggling to follow through on projects’ type, and also the ‘there is a better way of doing this’ type, which this post describes as both N qualities. But I think it is more about my type as a whole that fits. I am definitely an S in that I enjoy working with my hands. I love just walking through the garden and feeling the ground under my feet, touching a tree and feeling the rough bark, smelling the citrus blossoms, and physical touch is one of my top love languages. I look forward to reading more about the cognitive functions!
Hi E–yes, that inability to finish projects is definitely the P in you! Sometimes you really do need to read the descriptions when all of the letters are involved, and not just 1, because they do interact in different ways! But I only have 4 days, and not 16, so…. (sigh). But hopefully people will buy the book or do some more reading, because it really is fascinating stuff. And the cognitive functions part of it (where it looks at how the letters interact) is even more fascinating. 🙂
My hubby is a definite S(ESFP-T)and I am a definite N(ENFP-T). I see the forest and he sees the trees. But, when we’re looking at the tree, it seems to switch and he sees the tree while I see the branches, leaves, roots and other parts. I find that we compliment each other well in this regard…now. When we first got married, it caused a lot of tension. A lot of my ideas were shot down because they didn’t fit his line of thinking. But, after almost 15 years, he’s learned the value of my hairbrained schemes and I’ve learned the value of planning things out!