Gillian, I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been there myself. You’re right, it IS wrong for a husband to expect you to give so selflessly all the time and to do degrading things that you don’t want to for his pleasure only! I find this is particularly a problem for men with everything from a seemingly benign porn habit to a full-blown porn addiction. You’re not his sex toy, you’re his wife! Thus, you deserve to be loved, cherished, respected and adored! Anything less is him not doing his job as a husband! I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband’s actions have been largely shaped by porn. Seemingly every man I know is involved in porn to some degree these days (even Christians… especially Christians, actually). If discussing this between the two of you isn’t proving to be fruitful, perhaps a marriage counselor could help. And as Shiela has posted before, make sure it’s a marriage counselor who understands porn addiction and abuse!!! SO IMPORTANT!!! Having more sex and giving more of yourself physically to your husband will not solve the problem.
Please don’t lose hope! Sex can either be a painful wedge that drives two people apart who once told each other they loved each other so much and never wanted to be with anyone else, OR it can be a beautiful act that physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally etc. fuzes two people together into one. I sincerely hope that you and your husband are able to work through this difficult time in your life together, and get to the other side where you mutually respect and love each other and show that to one another through making love, not just having sex.

Also, just because Bobthemusicguy is a man and commenting on “women’s issues” (though I’d argue that sex and women’s pleasure is not entirely a women’s issue when it comes to the marriage bed) doesn’t mean his opinion and perspective are any less valuable. Even though we’re hurting, let’s try to be kind to each other and build each other up, not play the victim (even though we may be one) and tear the other person down so we can feel like we’ve built ourselves up a little bit. Bobthemusicguy has plenty of experience in this “women’s issue” due to his experience with his wife and their sex life. I’d love to hear what he has to say.

I’m sorry you feel that way Gillian. All I’m saying is that, in my experience, men who do demeaning things to their wives in bed or expect acts that degrade her, almost always have a porn habit if not an addiction. Obviously, I don’t know your specific situation from one or two comments, and I’m just an average person, not a therapist or anything. We’re all just trying to help each othe other on here. No need to get nasty or offended. It’s all said with love and compassion.

Also, I chose my words for a reason. I didn’t make broad, generalising statements. I said “in my experience”. Those are two very different things. I also said I “wouldn’t be surprised” if your husband had a porn addiction, not that he does have one. From there, based on my assumption / educated guess I deduced after reading your comments, I began to elaborate on the damaging effects of porn. Close reading is critical to comprehension of my sentiments.

One last point. In a very real way, I understand the feeling that sex is a degrading act. I was sexually abused as a boy and became an object used for someone else’s pleasure. That twisted and warped my understanding of my own sexuality and propelled me into a life of perversion and promiscuity. When God freed me from that, I found that I still had residual misunderstanding about God’s design for sex and brought that confusion into my marriage. Someone else’s sin had far reaching effects on my life and on my wife. Only God can undo the damage, unravel the knot that sin makes of our lives, and bring about restoration of His design to any extent at all.

Gillian, I think the source of many of your problems is your attitude. Your attitude towards sex, God, and others who are just trying to help. You can’t go through life with a chip on your shoulder and not have it weigh you down.

The thing about God’s healing is that it doesn’t always happen in the way we expect or even prayed for. But He absolutely always heals. My sister died from cancer when she was only 15. She is with Jesus now and is totally healed. Is that what my family wanted and what we prayed for? Yes, but not really. We prayed for her to be healed and God’s will to be done and it was, but we wanted her healed here on earth so we wouldn’t have to go through the pain of her passing. My family has grown very close because of what we went through together and have a deeper love and appreciation for each other and for God and Christ because of the everlasting life and healing that comes after this life. That is truly where everything is set right.

That story didn’t have anything to do with sex but everything to do with the fact that God doesn’t just give us what we ask for in order to heal us. And often it’s our attitude and outlook on life and our opinion of God and our relationship with Him that needs to improve before anything else will.

The fact is that normal marital sex, even if you don’t get the same pleasure out of it as your husband does, is NOT degrading. If he made you do degrading things that is different. But loving mutual sex, even if it were totally devoid of physical pleasure for one or the other, between a husband and a wife is not degrading. Ever. Sexual pleasure doesn’t just come from physical orgasm. It comes from the satisfaction of giving yourself and, yes, pleasure to someone you love. If you don’t acknowledge that aspect of sex, then it can never truly be satisfying whether you have an orgasm or not.

You will be in my prayers, Gillian.

@ Sheila—

I want to pick up on what you said in your reply to Samantha.

In discussing how we make sex mutual and intimate and communal, and how we move forward, what is it that husbands who read your blog do? What can we bring to the discussions that will advance the conversation?

Sheila, I think your reply to Greg is spot on. We need to change the message that men receive, both in and out of the church. I think the “purity” emphasis has ended up doing a lot of damage. It leaves the impression that sex before marriage is really bad, but it doesn’t supply a positive message, to men AND women, about what God’s des9gn for sex in marriage really is. I really think that if I had had good teaching from parents or church about God’s plan for sex, my life might have been very different. That would have been at least one less piece of baggage I brought into my marriage.

And each man’s mind and heart must be changed, one at a time. You can spread a positive message about this, but each man has to understand it personally and let God change him individually. That was my experience.

It may be my age (I’m almost 61), but my problem about sex talk in the church is that when I was a kid and a young man, there wasn’t ANY talk about sex. The whole message conveyed was that it is some horrible thing if you aren’t married, and it’s some wonderful thing if you are married, but we’re not going to help you figure any of it out, you’ll have to do that yourself without any help, unless you go to secular books or (horrors!) pornography or locker room talk, and it doesn’t really matter because sex is of the flesh and we walk by the spirit not the flesh, so sex is pretty unspiritual and should be really low on your list of priorities, unless you’re just a horny man, and then you have to feel really bad about wanting sex with your wife . . . .

You get the picture. I’m amazed I didn’t turn out any weirder than I am!

Becky, point taken, thanks for the clarification.

I’m not judging you or anyone, woman or man, who is dealing with sexual difficulties, physical or otherwise.

My point has been that in sexual relations, as in virtually EVERY area of life, we take the present state of affairs in this world as “just the way things are” and assume that’s the way God made it to be.

Using myself as an example, I’ve shared here and on other blogs, about being sexually abused as a boy, and how the mental and emotional confusion that resulted made me believe I was homosexual. I became very promiscuous during my college years, and it is by God’s grace that I’m even alive.

My wife knew this before we married, when we were just friends, and her acceptance of me while rejecting my sexual sin, was the starting point of God’s freeing me from that lie I was believing. But even after God freed me, the emotional healing took a long time, and the warped view I had about sex in general, really messed up my marriage. God has healed that, too.

For a long time, my question to God was, Why did You make me homosexual? Later, it became, How can I forgive those who destroyed me? Then it became, Why did I have to go through so much pain? I’ve been grieving for a life that might have been.

Now, God has brought me to the point of asking, How can I share my story so others may find some crumb of comfort, some ray of hope, some sense they’re not alone, and maybe, just maybe, begin their own journey with God toward wholeness. I’ve shared on blogs, anonymously. I’ve only shared with my wife and my pastor in person. I feel that God’s moving me toward something more, although I’m scared to death because of bigotry in the church. There are many who would rather I had been a drug addict or a murderer than a homosexual.

Becky, you are showing that you love your husband, and in this day when so many throw in the towel at the least trouble, your perseverance is an inspiration to all.

I have nothing but compassion for you and your situation. Not a condescending sort of compassion or pity. Just the very real compassion that hits me whenever I think of what sin has done to this world. I think that’s a dim echo of the compassion that God has and which made Him send His Son.

He promises to “restore the years the locusts have eaten” but we will see only pieces of that in this life. Even those bits can be wonderful, but it makes me bow in awe and wonder when I remember that “eye has not seen and ear has not heard” what God has in store for His children.

In the meantime, let’s show each other grace, fellowship, compassion, mercy, support, encouragement, and love. And let’s keep praying for each other.