Is sex really as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be?
We talk about sex a lot on this blog, and without fail we will get at least one comment that says:
I just don’t understand the hype around sex! Why is it such a huge deal to guys?
And it occurs to me that I haven’t written any posts lately talking about how wonderful sex is and how we should be emphasizing it more! So I came across something I wrote a few years ago that I want to reiterate today.
But first, let me tell you about a funny conversation that I had the other day with a (relative) newlywed. She said that she was talking to a bunch of other newlyweds about what was so great about being married. And they all said things like, “It’s so fun to not have to say good night and then have them leave”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to do life together”, or “it’s so nice just to be able to cuddle whenever we want.”
And the newlywed said to me, I wanted to say, “are you kidding? You know what’s so great? You can finally HAVE SEX!” But no one else seemed to be jumping on that bandwagon.
Why is that?
Partly, of course, it’s that sex takes a while to get to work like clockwork. But I think it’s also because too often we women don’t necessarily value and appreciate sex the way that we could (which is also often why sex doesn’t feel great right off the bat). And when we don’t realize how great sex can be for us, we can unintentionally make our relationship more distant.
For instance, here’s the basic summary of an email I recently got from a guy who reads this blog:
Reader Email
I really am quite simple: when my wife has regular sex with me, I feel like I can take on the world. I’m happy. I love being with her. I love being with the kids. But when she doesn’t, everything feels like a chore. It’s not that I don’t love her; it’s just that it’s much harder. I don’t find that you talk about that on your blog anymore. You give all these excuses for women not to have sex, but honestly, I wish women understood that for men, it really is that simple. Make love, and we’re putty in your hands.
I agree with him. In fact, that certainly is the focus of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex (although I include other challenges couples have as well).
But here’s what started to happen: I wrote many posts on what to do when your husband doesn’t want to make love, (or what to do if you’re the higher drive wife!), and these have become some of the most popular posts on this site. Many, many women who come here would LOVE to have husbands who want to make love, but they don’t. Their husbands have rejected them. Or perhaps their husbands watch porn so much that they can’t have a real relationship.
And so many of my posts have been slanting in that direction and trying to minister to these women.
But I have to admit: on the whole, that commenter is right.
For most men, far more than for most women, sex is a huge felt need.
The fact that so many men reject sex in marriage is just a sign that our world is getting more and more messed up. And if you’re in that camp, then please head on over to my week for higher libido wives post and find some answers that will work in your situation.
Today, though, I do want to talk to the rest of the women: the ones married to men who do want sex. And what I want to say to you today is, yes, it really is that simple.
But if he wants sex all the time, that means he’s really shallow! I can feel so many of you thinking that right now.
You see, when we women think about whether or not a relationship is good, we ask whether we’re talking enough. We wonder if we’re affectionate. Have we done anything together lately? Do I feel as if I can share my heart? Do I know what’s going on in his heart? Has he reached out to me lately? Has he asked me for help with something? Has he talked through a problem? Has he helped me around the house or with the kids? Has he shown me love?
We have all these data points that tell us whether or not we’re connecting.
For him, those data points tend to be combined into one simple thing: sex.
That doesn’t mean he’s pathetic, or that we’re somehow more sophisticated than he is. It simply means we’re made differently. When he makes love, he feels as if our hearts are connecting. It’s his way of checking in on the relationship.
And I don’t mean when we lie there and say, “you can if you want to”, and then we look like we’re counting ceiling tiles. I mean when we throw ourselves into it, and even initiate sex! The sexiest thing, to a man, is to have a wife who is enthusiastic about sex–not just a wife who placates him.
For most men, far more than for most women, sex is a huge felt need.
A man knows that for a woman to enjoy it she has to DECIDE to enjoy it.
She has to want to make love. If she wants to make love and enjoys it, then, she’s told him, “I want to be with you. I want to have fun with you. I have decided to give myself to you.”
If you make love with relative frequency, then, he knows that you truly love him and want him. If he feels truly loved and wanted, he’ll want to be home more. He’ll want to be with you more. He’ll want to be more involved with the family. He’ll find it easy to be more involved with the family! He won’t have to be fighting that feeling that he isn’t really wanted or appreciated; he’ll be able to pitch in and help knowing that he is. It invigorates him; it energizes him; it propels him to action.
But wait–you may say. Are you saying that I should have sex whatever he’s doing? Like it’s a reward or a bribe or something? After all, there are so many other issues in our relationship! We’re in debt and he doesn’t take it seriously. Our children are holy terrors and he won’t discipline them. He won’t listen to me about how mean his mother is to me. And the list can go on and on.
May I suggest that if you get the sex part right, it will then be a lot easier to deal with these other very real issues?
Sex is your way of saying to him, “I’m committed to you, I love you, I want you, I value you.” If he knows that and feels it, it’s so much easier to then bring up the really big issues that are bothering you.
I can’t tell you the number of women who have written to me saying,
“I used to think we had a horrible marriage. He never showed me love, we were fighting all the time, and I didn’t think I could go on. Then I read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and just decided to jump in for both our sakes. And my husband is a completely changed man! He loves being with me. We laugh so much more. And those problems I thought we had? They’ve gotten so much easier to manage.”
Now, I’m not saying have sex so that your husband will change. But what I am saying is that when you’re not having sex with your husband, you’re allowing that gap between you to widen. When we make love, you see, he feels closer and empowered. But we also feel closer to him, and all the things that bug us about him are minimized as well because sex has a powerful way of bringing you together emotionally as well as physically. We’re feeling more intimate and more connected, so the little things don’t bother us as much anymore. We realize that they really are just little things.
Will sex solve all the problems in your relationship? No, of course not. But it will very likely help you with a whole lot of them, and that greater intimacy and connection will make working through the bigger issues easier. And just jumping in and having sex is a lot better than staying up all night hashing it out and still feeling distanced and at odds in the morning.
Besides, sex feels great (or at least it should!). And if we decide that we’re going to enjoy it, and we start looking forward to it, then sex isn’t just for him. It’s for both of you. And that helps you feel closer, too, and more ready to deal with other issues in your marriage.
Here’s my question: if there really were something so simple that could help you so dramatically with your marriage, why wouldn’t you try it?
So why not take this challenge:
For one month, decide “I will make love every night unless there’s a really good reason not to, and I will not go longer than 72 hours without sex. I will decide to enjoy it and throw myself into it.”
Now, if you are struggling with low libido and feel defeated by the idea of even initiating sex, may I suggest trying the Boost Your Libido course? I created it for women just like you–women who want more for their marriage, who feel that there is more just around the corner, but no matter how hard she tries it always seems to slip through her fingers.
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
God created you to have awesome sex in your marriage–but if that truth seems too distant to believe, try my course. It walks through the issues many women find are blocking their libido and helps them find what true intimacy really means. Check it out, and I hope it blesses your marriage!
So today, write down how you feel about your husband: do you feel close? Do you feel like you can talk? Do you feel loved?
Then do that for a month, and ask yourself the same questions. See if the answers are different.
You just may find that it really is that simple after all!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
In my younger days I thought I was man and growing up in a milleu of California liberals this was something my family encouraged. Yes, I wanted to transition.
After my first testosterone injection I changed my mind; I couldn’t stop thinking about sex day and night. After that I decided I would continue to be the woman God made me. I thought I was sexually frustrated before the treatment, but then I realized what a burden for men lust really is.
Ladies, most of you just don’t get it. Our sex drive is like a desire to eat potato chips. Sure, we like it but we can take it or leave it. A man experiences his sexual desire like thirst; he can’t stop thinking about it if he’s not fulfilled.
I always take time to care for my husband in that way.
Heather—
Many thanks for sharing your story and your insight. Your analogy struck me: when I tell my wife that I’m feeling desirous of her—like in a text that I might sending during the day—many times I will say that I’m thirsting for her. Thank you for sharing that perspective that you experienced first hand and understanding how many of us feel about what sex with our wives means to us.
Heather, your comment should be posted all over the Internet, especially on every blog run by a woman. You’ve had the rare experience of having peeked inside the life of a man, with your testosterone injection. Perhaps all women should get one once, so they can really understand. And, on the flip side, perhaps all men should get an estrogen injection once, so we might experience some female emotions more.
That is a powerful observation, life changing I like it. That is exactly what sex is to me as a man.
I just wish I could afford to buy all these courses and books. The cost of trying to fix our problems is so prohibitive, it seems we’ll never be able to get help.
I have told Grace on more than one occasion – You want something? Anything? Just ask me during sex – The answer is YES lol. Couldn’t be more true – and when you are having sex regularly and the dishes are all piled up and you are the one that does them because she just doesn’t like to do dishes…yes it sucks….but you know what? It’s a motivator for me to get up and get it done…she will respond in her time…in the way I like. I probably shared this story here a while back but years ago I wanted sex and my wife said will you do the dishes? Of course! I will do dishes for sex. However, the scenario was different and actually unhealthy as our relationship was back then. Essentially I was working for sex. Today it is different. I do the dishes because I love my wife and that is our arrangement (unspoken for the most part) It is just what I do for her (as well as many other things) Out of Love. no expectations of anything in return. What do I get? Lots of sex – out of Love. She does for me what I like out of love. Pretty good deal to me. I was thinking about sex this morning….and how much work it really is to make it work. What a challenge God has given us to enjoy his beautiful gift. Pretty interesting actually. We have to keep working at it from all sorts of angles constantly to make his beautiful gift between us. Have a great weekend everyone!
Wow! This is so true, Phil! (Clearly, this post and be comments are really striking a chord with me tonight, lol, hence all my comments).
My husband has a tendency to become lazy, most specifically about his diet, lack of exercise, love of computer games / programming / anime, and thus his weight. I knew this going into our marriage, but he insisted that having me cook for him (since I love to cook, am outdoorsy, and my mom is a nutritionist) would help turn his weight problem around. He even lost 50lbs before our wedding to show me he meant it! (Down from 300lbs to 250lbs on his 6ft high school quarterback frame). But his extremely poor eating habits that had been taught to him since childhood (think so vegetables ever served by his parents except from a can, lots of processed foods, and fast food as a meal for at least one meal every 1-2 days!) and his inactive lifestyle led to him gaining 75lbs in our first year of marriage (that’s everything he’d lost before the wedding plus another 25lbs!). Needless to say, I became repulsed by him. I had made it very clear that I did not want to marry a lazy man who didn’t take care of himself. When he became just that, I left lied to, disrespected, and gypped! I had sincerely believed him when he said he wouldn’t become the lazy man we both knew he had the potential to become.
Fast forward 3 years. We’re in our 4th year of marriage and have only had sex 50 or so times in our lives! largely due to the fact that I don’t want an unnecessary 125lbs on top of me, and I also don’t want to ride someone with a hippo belly. Heck, even doggy style didn’t work for us completely because his huge gut still pressed against by butt when he fully inserted himself! (We were essentially both each other’s first vaginal sex partners. I say essentially because he’d given girls oral and fingered them before he knew me and before he became a Christian. He also lost his virginity while mostly black-out drunk in college to a girl who had had her eye on him for awhile and who was fully sober at the time … so pretty much rape.) Plus, everything my husband knew about sex he’d learned from porn, and none of his previous partners ever corrected him. I, knowing that he was the experienced one in this relationship, trusted him to know what he was doing in the bedroom. And since I’ve never been a masturbator, I didn’t quite know what to expect or what to ask for (if at all). But as we had more sex, I quickly became resentful of how much pleasure he got from it, and how I was left with mess on my chest or inside me, obese sweat all over me and on our bed sheets (which I’d change every time), and absolutely 0 physical pleasure on my end. He’d try to help me feel good by rubbing my clit, but he’d do it all wrong (lift the hood and apply direct, firm pressure directly to the clit! AH!!!) and I didn’t know any better because all I knew is that the clit is the pleasure center for the woman. Plus, when I tried to touch it and see if I could figure out what feels good to me, it wouldn’t feel like much of anything (which I know now is because you have to be mentally in the sexy-time zone, but just touching the clit like a man would touch his penis). This led to further frustration and VERY intense pent-up sexual tension and desire on my end. I wanted sex to feel amazing and I wanted it NOW! (I’m not the most patient person in the world). 😉 And those feelings led to more resentment towards my husband. That in combination with his perpetual, extremely quick weight gain led me to tell him that I wouldn’t have sex with him again till he got his act together and lost weight. Well, that made him just eat his feelings more, and get to the heaviest he’s ever been! …….
Out of sexual frustration, aloneliness, desperation, feeling a little cheated by God and asking Him why he allowed this to happen to me (though never doubting that He had a plan and would somehow work this all out for good as He does for His children), I found Shiela’s blog. And perfect timing! My husband and I were at our worst. My parents and in-laws said to us that if hubby and I didn’t shape up and get our marriage back on track fast, all this arguing and verbal abuse would lead to divorce before our 10th anniversary. And with a little one just being born, we’d then have to deal with the damage that’d cause him mentally and emotionally as he grew up. Through reading Sheila’s blog, I realised that even though my husband’s weight and thus our lack of sex was at the root of all my frustration and deep deep hurt, I was ultimately in control of how I dealt with my emotions! I could give into my hurt and anger towards him, and call him names and tell him I was done being his maid and mother. I could withhold sex from him, or even worse, bring my bad attitude and mean words into the bedroom so that HE’D say he didn’t want to have sex with me because he knew I was just giving him pity sex! That’s when he really turned to porn (3-4x/week… the amount of sex we should be having together as a young married couple). He didn’t want to bother propositioning me because he knew I’d either turn him down or give in but roll my eyes, not moan or get into it, and just make it generally miserable for both of us. (Thankfully, the porn be watched was just normal heterosexual sex and nothing violent or perverted or degrading).
After about a week of reading this blog and lots of prayer, I decided to change my own outlook. I decided to help my husband who was struggling in so many areas of his life. I decided to make a point to pray for him several times a day. And this past month, I decided to share many of these article with him.
Well, the Lord heard my prayers and provided: my husband responded positively to these articles, and as I’ve said above, is not working with a medical profession at a medical weight loss clinic to address his food addiction and weight issues. He’s also got Covenant Eyes, so can no longer rely on taking the edge off using solo sex and porn. This has led him to proposition me more regularly, and I accept with a loving, generous attitude. His new-found motivation has totally turned around my attraction for him! He no longer disgusts me like he did (even though he’s still fat and the belly is still an issue during sex). AND, best of all, he now understands where my frustration and reaentment we’re coming from, and resolved to help me figure out what I like and need in the bedroom to orgasm.
I still haven’t orgasmed yet, but sex is 100% better emotionally and mentally, which is half the battle. He no longer feels like he needs to lose the weight to “earn” sex from me. He sees that I’m willing to give it to him in a spirit of love and compassion and selflessness (because his fat still repulses me but now I don’t say or show it), making him want to make me happy in bed and throughout our marriage (which means losing the weight so we can try other positions or just do the positions we’ve already been doing but more effectively). He’s (well, both of us) have been studying up on female anatomy and reading everything we can on technique so that he can try it and see what works for me. I know it’ll be a slow process, but I also know that this our new attitudes and with a more relaxed mentally about me orgasming, it WILL happen eventually. Like Phil said, it takes a lot of work to make the gift God gave us of sex work for both of us. But it’s a struggle worth having and conquering, because the two of us and our marriage are worth it!
Sorry for the long story. But I know this will help another reader struggling out there, as so many of the long stories in the comments have helped me.
Final parting thought: good sex (like anything, really) is all about your attitude. If you want to have a pity party and enjoy playing the victim (which, lets face it, a lot of us enjoy, myself included), even if you have a valid reason to (aside from actual abuse in a relationship), then of course sex won’t be good for you or your partner! There are lots of things that can and do come between a husband and wife to separate them. And seemingly, the stronger the relationship, the more Satan tries to destroy it because he knows that good marriages glorify God and are such a beautiful witness for Him. Your marriage (again, like everything in life) is a spiritual battle! You need the Armour of God DAILY!!! HOURLY! MINUTE-LY!! Draw closer to Him first and foremost in good times in your marriage and especially in the bad. Seek Him first, and if both spouses are doing that, everything else will fall into place as you both strive to follow Him more.
Natalie, I do think you’re right. It is a battle in the mind. It’s so hard when you’re in the middle of it. I remember how I felt when sex actually physically hurt. It was hard not to be mad at God or to feel like the whole world had been lying to me. But I had to get over that to experience freedom. But it’s hard when you honestly are having a tough time for something that truly isn’t your fault.
Can you share where you are finding techniques and learning about female anatomy? Being touched manually on my clit has never been very relaxing or pleasurable to me. Grinding has been more exciting. I wonder what this means. Even touching myself has not led me to orgasm, so I don’t know what to suggest to my husband. Thanks for the help.
Oh, Natalie, that’s wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Rebecca and I are working on a resource to help your spouse lose weight. It’s a tough problem that so many women deal with, and we’re hoping to have it ready for next fall. But I know what a big struggle it can be!
Thank you so much Sheila!! I can’t wait to see what you and Rebecca post in the fall!
Glad it worked for YOU my friend. My experience over the last 35 years is that “Choreplay” only begets more “Choreplay” and abuse.
Only thing it accomplished was allowing time for more “important” things like Facebook.
Always a reason (excuse) NOT to, but never a reason TO.
Nothing but moving goal-posts and an ever expanding, never ending “list” on her part.
I don’t understand the tradeoff. Is it her job to do dishes, sex or not? And if do, why? Why is it her job to do a chore she doesn’t like that became a sex bargaining chip?
This is a brilliant post, Sheila. Thank you for saying this. And I’m like the writer of the first email you cite: there’s an ease in my soul and a lightness in my spirit when my wife and I commune regularly.
In the days before the blogging platforms, I recall reading about the differences between husbands’ and wives’ perception of sex in a Christian marriage magazine, and the author made an analogy that thundered me: the author wrote that husbands are an unaltered bolt of fabric in which sex in an important part of the weave. When sex with our wives is good—like the emailer above wrote—we’re on top of the world and feel we can tackle anything; conversely—and I confess I’ve felt this in myself—when sex with my wife was erratic and infrequent, I was niggled by an array of doubts, about what I mean to her, about my qualifications for my job, about my performance as a dad, and so on.
So as you note, Sheila, more sex with us husbands won’t magically repair or rectify other issues in our marriages, but—for this husband at least—I can’t over-express how passionate sexual attention from my wife positively resonates and reverberates across and through so many other aspects of my life and being, across my bolt of fabric.
I am at a loss. I really feel that for my husband sex doesn’t really do much. Yes, he wants it, but rarely initiates it. He has a very busy job and is really good about trying to talk to me and spend time with me, so that leaves little time, but still. Then when he does initiate it its just like grab a boob and expect things to go well. We are fairly newly married so we are still trying to figure things out. In the past there has been pain and frustration, so I think he is scared of hurting me, which I super appreciate, but I think that keeps him from initiating. That or the fear of not doing very well. I never say anything mean and only try to offer help and information, but always after at a appropriate time. but he doesn’t listen. And if things do not go perfectly, he gets upset and takes a week to initiate again. So I am left with two bad options: act like everything was perfect so there is no improvement, learning and understanding (and I am lying) or choose honesty and scare him off. And a new development is that he only wants blow jobs because theres no chance of hurting me or disappointing me. In the past, I tried to do that for him ever so often just to be loving and nice, or if I could tell he was horny and I just realllllly couldn’t get into sex or we didn’t really have time I would do it. Now he basically passive aggressively propositions me (I would rather him just outright ask) but that has almost replaced sex and when I asked him he said it was because then it couldn’t be bad for me. So that is very frustrating and disheartening. We are less than a year married so I know things will get better, but there is also no romance or anything. If there is, it comes from me. We are poor so obviously we don’t go on a ton of dates, but he doesn’t even try to come up with anything, even watching a movie at home or going for a walk or literally anything. He says that it should be good enough for us to just sit on the couch together because at least he is talking to me (although he often falls asleep in the middle of our conversations or is on his phone). I am just at a loss. And right now we are moving and he is working (I just got a new job and don’t start for another 2 weeks) so I am kind of putting our house together, which is fine because I am free. So I work all day putting stuff up, doing paperwork for the job, spend all day by myself (he is a coach so long days) and then last night he was mad because I hadn’t put the laundry that I washed away. So he says he will do it and then he literally puts only his own laundry away and leaves all of mine saying he doesn’t know where it goes in our new house. Except that we have the same dressers and everything is in the exact same spot. And instead of then asking me to show him where stuff goes so he can help next time, he just walks away. BTW, we have no kids, both make the same amount of money and are equally busy normally, so the majority of the housework should not fall on me. I am having so much trouble with him claiming “not knowing” or something like that as an excuse not to do stuff. He asks really dumb questions that seem to be completely out of laziness and not wanting to take care of stuff. I haven’t said anything about it so as not to be mean, but it is so frustrating he cannot make a minor call or decision about stuff that does not need my input (like what to do with empty boxes) or like we have a dog that we put in the backyard when we leave and when we are about to leave the house he will literally say “well what are we gonna do with the dog?” I am at a loss….do what we always do with him…? I don’t understand why he does this. I know it is minor but it is turning into laziness in my opinion. I know that was a lot, and maybe some of this is fueled by anger because the laundry thing was last night and I didn’t talk to him about it, but please help with any and all of it anyone. I feel we are too newly married to have these issues.
I hear your frustration and anger, GraceBird! And though I’ve only been married for 4 years (but with my husband for almost 10 years total), I’ve definitely experienced these emotions too!! (Like, as recently as 3 months ago). I’ve experienced the frustration, anger, shock at their seemingly inability to do anything even close to “adulting” properly, disgust, repulsion, etc., and I find that those feelings are at their strongest when we’ve gone months without sex or much touching/hugging/kissing/cuddling. (My main source of frustration with my husband was/is his serious obesity and total lack of willpower with food – which we’ve recently discovered is an actual food addition and extremely poor dietary habit formed and taught in his childhood – in addition to household stuff like what you mentioned, laundry, cleanliness, etc.).
I’ve shared A LOT (like, 20+) of Shiela’s articles with him over the past several months. He’s a very kind, caring man who is my best friend, so he does read the articles I send him and takes them to heart… so much so that he’s realized his poor habits and behavior have started to effect me, how I treat him (though that is partly my fault too, of course), and our marriage as a whole. He signed himself up with a medical weight loss clinic, installed Covenant Eyes on all our devices to help combat his mild-moderate porn habit, and has been actively trying to “get it together”. This change (which I’ve GREATLY desired of him for years!) has totally changed how I view him! My libido has gone through the roof, despite him still currently being 125+ lbs overweight. I see this change and motivation in him, and just want him so much! So we’re having sex several times a week now (whereas we were having it 2-5x/year for the past 3 years), and that is totally changing our marriage!! WAYYYY less bickering, no more major blow ups, responding to one another with calm, loving words, etc.
So, that’s a round-about way of me saying this: your husband is in the wrong for being so lazy and treating you like his mother/maid/blow job giver instead of his wife. If he’s willing, he would do well to read many of Shiela’s articles. However, you can do your part by lovingly calling him out when you see negative behavior. (Don’t scold or chastise out of frustration or anger. I’ve done that PLENTY and, trust me, it does WAY more harm than good, even though it may feel good for you to say it in the moment.) Perhaps he could get involved in a men’s Bible study or other faith-based group at your church so he has some men to build him up in his faith.
Lastly, BEFORE you have children (we have a 1 year old miraculously despite our nearly sexless marriage for so many years of our short marriage thus far), I’d recommend you get the sex issues out of the way. It will only be more difficult to address this when you have other people living in the house with you, especially little children who need you constantly. Figure out why sex is painful for you & take care of that if you can. (Unless it’s a medical issue, my guess would be you could use with more foreplay so you’re more turned on, slower penetration, and more lube). Have your husband read Shiela’s articles about female pleasure, since SO many men especially the newly married (my husband included until literally a few weeks ago) think that women need a minute or two of foreplay and then lots of hard, directly stimulation of the clit and vagina. Bleh! Try Shiela’s 31 Days To Great Sex book; it really is an excellent book! And so perfect for those newly married or those who still haven’t really figured out the whole sex thing even after years of marriage (I fall into the latter group). Hope that helps! <3
Oh, also, don’t forget that good sex takes time, as so many of Shiela’s articles and commenters have said. In our 4 years of marriage (including our first year of marriage when we had the most sex), my husband and I have still never had sex more than 50 times in our lives. After reading and learning so much from this blog, I’m not blaming myself anymore for not being able to orgasm and really not having a desire for sex much in the past. I now realize that the reason for that is because sex has never been mind blowing for me, so why would my body crave it like my husband does? He understands that now too, and has committed to helping me find out what I like so we can both have amazing sex and experience that closeness of body, soul and mind.
If your husband truly does not have a desire for sex, discuss his porn usage with him. Install Covenant Eyes on all of your devices (it’s as much as a Netflix or Hulu subscriptions monthly, so pretty affordable and TOTALLY worth it!). And read up on Shiela’s articles covering the subject of porn. It is not normal for a newlywed man to not want sex. He may just be using the excuse of “I don’t want to hurt you with penetration” to cover the shame he feels from using porn. Also, tell him that sex may not hurt for you as much if you’re “sufficiently primed” (i.e. thoroughly turned on and horny with lots of natural lube, which shouldn’t be too difficult for a woman in her 20s and 30s. And if it is, organic coconut oil is my favorite lube. Cheap, natural and he doesn’t have to worry about getting it in his mouth if he’s going down on you.) Maybe you could bring this up by initiating sex. Tell him you’ve been thinking about your sex life, and you want to see what it’d feel like if you were super wet and turned on… see if penetration would still hurt even then. BUT, make sure he takes it nice and slowly. Don’t be afraid to be vocal in the bedroom and lovingly tell him what you want/like. Hope that helps. 🙂
I am a woman with a STRONG sex drive. I could easily have a sex daily BUT my husband is a porn addict in recovery so when we have sex he is fantasizing about the women in the porn videos.
I have to initiate sex and when I do he cannot maintain an erection from his years and years of porn and masturbation.
I understand how going without sex for weeks on end can be frustrating.
My question to Sheila is whether to continue having sex (the best he can with his ED) knowing he is a porn addict.
I really want regular sex but I do not want to be replaced in my husbands mind by porn stars.
He has been in recovery for over a year ( with no masturbation, no porn, no movies with sex scenes) and he is still not interested in sex. I am very frustrated. I need sex to feel close to my husband (some women need sex first to feel loved). After we have sex I then feel loved and close to him. Any suggestions?
Hi Gale,
Wow, I’m so sorry. That’s awful. If he has a porn addiction, that really does need to be dealt with before anything else. That’s a total intimacy killer. It changes sex so that it’s not about love at all, and you’re right–you don’t want to reinforce that.
I’ve got a post on what to do if your husband uses porn, and I’d recommend you do those things. But I know it’s tough, and super frustrating. I’m so sorry.
When I was younger I would hear older people give this advice, “sex is to a marriage what grease is to ball bearings” or “sex is the grease that eases the friction”.
I don’t know how that would be understood so well in our modern world of self-lubricating plastic parts.
But it sure is a good message to get across to folks.
I’m glad for this post. I’ve been noticing this same trend of focusing on women who aren’t getting enough sex disproportionately. Now, I think both sides need to be addressed, but I think it’s clear that far more marriages are harmed by women’s lack of sex than men’s. In a way I totally understand. I’m sure that statistically women are the majority of the audience to these blogs, as I don’t think blogs appeal to men as much on the whole, so it makes sense that more women probably complain about their husbands’ lack of desire. Either way, I agree with every single word you said, and sex was the worst thing about my marriage for many years. Luckily, we’ve found healing.
And if that’s really what it comes down to for men, it really would be nice if God hadn’t made it so most of us don’t have such a ridiculously hard time getting it to work at all. Especially for those of us that basically need the equivalent of a total solar eclipse to feel anything good at all, and it really is all for him. It’s so hard not to get bitter.
Becky, I do understand what you are saying. In nearly 4 decades of marriage, my wife has not orgasm. She has tried various treatments with no success. She is still trying…she started a new med a month ago…still no change. My wife understands your frustrations!!
I was very frustrated about my wife not having an orgasm through intercourse and I felt like a failure. Then I read on one of the blogs I follow, and I followed it up with some research on my own, that many (most?) women can’t reach orgasm through intercourse alone, because the clitoris is just a bit far away from the vaginal opening to receive enough stimulation from her husband’s penis. My wife can’t climax this way, so I make sure she gets her orgasm through other stimulation. Is your wife able to orgasm through other means?
That’s true, Bobthemusicguy. The most recent stat I’ve heard is that 75% or more of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone! That’s not a minority, that’s the majority!! And it’s not men’s faults. It’s often biology. All the more reason to take your time, explore each other’s bodies, take it VERY slow, and just have fun with each other. I don’t remember in which article, but Shiela or one of her guest writers said something along the lines of this: “if the wife focuses on the husband, the husband is happy with sex but the wife is not. If the husband focuses on the wife, she’s happy and he is happy.” So true! (even if she doesn’t orgasm)
I too have never orgasmed (I’ve also never masturbated and really have no desire to), but with this new outlook on sex that both my husband and I have, I’m hopeful. But I’m not going to rush it or try to actively have one when we’re having sex. I’m going to focus on what feels good and how good my husband makes me feel, and hopefully one of these days, that’ll result in an orgasm. After all, practice makes perfect, so have sex and frequently!! :p And don’t be afraid to stray from your comfort zone occasionally too. Exploration of new techniques and positions and movements is what may lead to an orgasm.
Oh, Nicole, it sounds like you’ve got a great outlook!
I can’t believe that in a world that never stops talking about sex, this info was so hard to come by. I spent years and years just assuming that something about me was broken and that I just wasn’t able to orgasm. Once I found out…finally…how common it is for a woman to be unable to orgasm from penetration alone, it opened up a whole new world. Finally!
Bob my friend (actually, I don’t know you, but I wanted you to know this is a friendly question), you make the comment “my wife can’t climax this way”… This thought begs me to ask the following question: Why do you want her to climax from intercourse alone?
Can you explain with details what you actually mean when you say that? I’ll tell you what intercourse alone means to me: “hey babe, let’s have sex” unzip, remove clothes, intercourse. If that’s the case… I’d recommend never again having sex that way. I have a feeling that’s not exactly what you mean though 🙂 Please give me a similar breakdown of what that means.
Agree with Heather’s comment on what it’s like as a guy. If sex isn’t happening, I feel used. Anything else is nice, but it’s not the real deal. It’s nice to get a back rub or a passionate kiss, but at some point, we have to skip the appetizers and go for the main course. When sex isn’t there, I feel like I’m giving and not receiving and it’s not even. When sex is there, I’m better able to focus on everything else. I am more confident in everything else. A wife can do everything else in the world for her husband but if sex isn’t there, he will still feel let down. I think most men, myself included, would freely do everything else ourselves if it meant consistent passionate sex and not going 72 hours without.
“When sex isn’t there, I feel like I’m giving and not receiving and it’s not even.”
That hit a nerve for me because, when sex IS there (much more often than I would like), I feel like I’m giving and not receiving and it’s not even.
I suppose, if sex did for me what it sounds like it does for many people, I might feel like I was receiving something. If there was some type of true physical pleasure (not just orgasm) and/or even a feeling of emotional connection through sex, it would make it much easier to be passionate about it. But, over the past 35 years, it’s only gotten harder and less appealing. Shouldn’t it get better with time and practice? What am I missing?
The thought of daily sex scares me. I’m pretty sure I’d have an aversion reaction and shut down. It takes me days to prep myself mentally.
I’ve often wondered if Hubby and I started out the wrong way. We always did what he wanted. Tried the things that were important to him (and I often couldn’t stand) and I never got a chance to try sex my way (what ever that looks like). It’s always been for him. But, of course, that’s because he’s always been the one who’s needed it.
Oh, dear, this comment breaks my heart! I think I’m going to save it and use it in a follow-up post, because I do think this happens for many couples: sex becomes the way that he wants it; she never experiences real pleasure; she never discovers her real sexuality or passion; and then sex becomes something that drives distance between them because instead of being about intimacy, it’s about one person almost “using” another.
Have you read my post on why women’s pleasure matters? I am going to try to write more about this in the future.
I sincerely hope that you do write more about that, Sheila.
Hey anonymous—
I don’t know if you’re in a position where you do, or can, share these posts with your husband, but as a husband myself, hopefully my tale will be inspirational:
I used to approach sex with my wife with a good focus on her pleasure, but there was always an undercurrent of doing things or seeking things that were more about my pleasure than hers. God touched my heart at how inappropriate this was and how it was toxifying our intimacy and marriage; He showed me how I had been fooled by the standards of this world and that I needed to infuse my approach to making love with my wife with the lesson of Romans 12.2. I consciously stopped asking for things and doing things that I know she doesn’t like, and shifted my focus to things that I know make _both_ of us feel good and closer, and and sex between us has become all the more resoundingly powerful and bonding and intimate…and even frequent. The things that I thought I craved were easily shed, and what I yearn for now is the closeness and communion and celebration that our simplified and refined sex has become.
That’s really beautiful, Greg. Really beautiful.
I’m with Greg. During the time God was dealing with my wife about sexual refusal, He was dealing with me about my own attitudes and actions. Due to my past (shared elsewhere), I had an attitude that regarded sex as mainly about physical sensations and pleasure. I missed almost completely the fact that it is relational. If I wanted sex, per se, anything that gave me an orgasm would be sufficient. But I redefined my desire as wanting my wife, sexually. It became all about our relationship and closeness. That’s how God brought us back together again. I remember my wife saying once, an hour or so after making love, that she felt more spiritually sensitive to God when we connected sexually. Not sure of the reason behind that, but I find the same myself.
Thanks, Sheila. And it’s interesting, as I sloughed those things, I discovered they were things that really didn’t interest me, but I had been fooled by this world into _thinking_ that I wanted them, but that’s what this world said I should want. Now, with some distance, I look at those things and think, “Why did I pursue that? I’m so not wired that way.”
I wouldn’t say that “everything” comes down to sex. But sex is what helps “everything” make sense. Everything I have done over the years to make our family life “work” can be done without much personal investment. My wife could have gone to work to provide for our children. People could be hired to do a lot of things I’ve done. Nannies could be hired to care for the kids. Even government assistance could take care of some of the needs I’ve provided for.
But the privilege that belongs only to me, is to be sexually intimate with my wife. She can have fulfilling conversations with other people, and get emotional satisfaction from that. But it’s not the same for her as when we talk and share our hearts. Just as it’s not the same for our kids to have loving adults who aren’t their parents take care of them. The physical needs are met, but what about the relational needs?
In the past, my wife was a sexual gatekeeper and then a refuser. During that dark time, she had unilaterally made the choice for me to be either celibate, go solo sexually, or seek sex outside of marriage. And it took a toll on our relationship. I chose the first option, with occasional use of the second (solo sex deals with frustration, and even physically it’s very inferior). Once the sexual relations were restored, everything else started falling back into proper place.
So if you define “everything” as the total marriage relationship, yes, it does, at least for this man, come down to sex.
I’m with Becky who commented further up. I ended up feeling like some sort of in house prostitute…. Doing this degrading act that felt amazing for him, and frustrating for me. In the end, we gave up. Clearly it was just wrong for me to be handing over my body for his pleasure. We tried for many years. No success. Now it’s just something that isn’t part of anything. My husband never raises it with me. Despite the stereotypes, I actually think he doesn’t care anymore either. We get on with life without that, and all our tension and arguing has stopped.
To all the guys here who’ve commented on what it’s like for them, trust me, you wouldn’t want it either if it felt as disappointing for you as it does for women. Sounds selfish to say “my wife needs to give me what is so amazing for me. Never mind if it’s not so great for her. She needs to hand over her body to keep me happy.”
Oh and by the way, my husband doing dishes and housework has personally never inspired me to leap into bed with him. I think it’s a generalization to make those sorts of comments.
Not knowing your situation, Gillian, this isn’t directed to you personally. But I do have to take issue with the idea Becky expressed, and with which you apparently agree, about complaining about God’s design for sex. This isn’t the way God designed it!
We forget that what we take as “normal” or the “way things are” is not what God created. This is a fallen world, and every aspect of this life is contaminated by sin. The Bible says that the whole creation groans, waiting for God’s full redemption and re-creation.
This means that a lot of things, in this case sex, don’t always, or even often, work the way they’re supposed to. What God designed for our pleasure and benefit, such as eating, are often the source of conflict, corruption, and outright sin.
I think that as a Christian man, I’m obligated to work with my wife as we allow God to make our marriage as much like He planned as only He is able to do. On this blog, and on others I follow, it seems we (I plead guilty) often lose sight of the fact that only God can transform our marriages (and our eating habits, and our parenting mistakes, and our jobs, and our relationships, and our . . . .).
It grieves me when I see so many men and women seem to give up on their marriages, including sex, apparently without really taking it to God for His healing and transforming power.
In light of this, I’m disturbed that sex would be regarded as a “degrading act” between a husband and wife. I can see how in a particular case is has become just that, but that is NOT God’s design at all. Let’s not lay our sins at God’s feet, except to ask Him to forgive and heal.
You can’t actually comment about something affecting women when you are a man. Sorry, but it’s invalid to comment on women’s experiences when clearly you have not been through them yourself.
As for ‘not taking it to God for healing’, you cannot assume that people haven’t. If you look around you every day, you’ll see thousands of examples of scenarios that God hasn’t miraculously healed.
Gillian, I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been there myself. You’re right, it IS wrong for a husband to expect you to give so selflessly all the time and to do degrading things that you don’t want to for his pleasure only! I find this is particularly a problem for men with everything from a seemingly benign porn habit to a full-blown porn addiction. You’re not his sex toy, you’re his wife! Thus, you deserve to be loved, cherished, respected and adored! Anything less is him not doing his job as a husband! I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband’s actions have been largely shaped by porn. Seemingly every man I know is involved in porn to some degree these days (even Christians… especially Christians, actually). If discussing this between the two of you isn’t proving to be fruitful, perhaps a marriage counselor could help. And as Shiela has posted before, make sure it’s a marriage counselor who understands porn addiction and abuse!!! SO IMPORTANT!!! Having more sex and giving more of yourself physically to your husband will not solve the problem.
Please don’t lose hope! Sex can either be a painful wedge that drives two people apart who once told each other they loved each other so much and never wanted to be with anyone else, OR it can be a beautiful act that physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally etc. fuzes two people together into one. I sincerely hope that you and your husband are able to work through this difficult time in your life together, and get to the other side where you mutually respect and love each other and show that to one another through making love, not just having sex.
Also, just because Bobthemusicguy is a man and commenting on “women’s issues” (though I’d argue that sex and women’s pleasure is not entirely a women’s issue when it comes to the marriage bed) doesn’t mean his opinion and perspective are any less valuable. Even though we’re hurting, let’s try to be kind to each other and build each other up, not play the victim (even though we may be one) and tear the other person down so we can feel like we’ve built ourselves up a little bit. Bobthemusicguy has plenty of experience in this “women’s issue” due to his experience with his wife and their sex life. I’d love to hear what he has to say.
Woah woah hang on a minute Natalie… Where did I say my husband has a porn problem??!!! HE DOESN’T!!! Yet you’ve just diagnosed that he has, and your content comment is mainly made up of this diagnosis you have apparently come to. To say all men, especially Christians, are involved in porn, is simply uneducated and insulting to men in general.
I’m sorry you feel that way Gillian. All I’m saying is that, in my experience, men who do demeaning things to their wives in bed or expect acts that degrade her, almost always have a porn habit if not an addiction. Obviously, I don’t know your specific situation from one or two comments, and I’m just an average person, not a therapist or anything. We’re all just trying to help each othe other on here. No need to get nasty or offended. It’s all said with love and compassion.
I have seen this as well. There’s a big change in the things that are commonly done in the bedroom (or asked for in the bedroom) over the last twenty years since pornogrpahy use became widespread with the internet.
But sometimes even guys who haven’t used porn a ton still desire certain very degrading things because porn has changed the idea of sex. I talk about this a lot in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–porn has made sex only physical, and so the weirder and weirder things become “hot” because it’s not real and intimate anymore. We do need a cultural wake up call with sexuality.
Also, I chose my words for a reason. I didn’t make broad, generalising statements. I said “in my experience”. Those are two very different things. I also said I “wouldn’t be surprised” if your husband had a porn addiction, not that he does have one. From there, based on my assumption / educated guess I deduced after reading your comments, I began to elaborate on the damaging effects of porn. Close reading is critical to comprehension of my sentiments.
1. ANY problem in a marriage affects both the woman and the man. My wife, who was a stay at home mom, had very right and responsibility to comment on my job, especially when it affected our marriage.
2. Please notice my disclaimer that my comments were not directed to you. My concern is that many people (and I include myself), both men and women, often lay the blame for bad things in life on God. Lack of healing (physical and otherwise), bad design (Why did you make me like this, God?), personal loss, so many other things that cause us pain. These are ALL the result of sin. Not necessarily our own sin, but because the Bible tells us that ALL creation is corrupt and waiting for redemption.
3. The only comment directed toward you was about sex being a degrading act. Now, if you mean a particular sex act being degrading, I wholeheartedly agree. But from the context, it appears that you regard sex itself as a degrading act. I completely disagree with that. By analogy, gluttony turns a perfectly normal and healthy human act into something twisted and degrading.
4. I’ve come to believe that, in Ephesians 5, by using marriage as a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church, Paul is including every aspect of marriage in the discussion. When my wife gives herself sexually to me, she is in a very real way surrendering herself and becoming vulnerable to me. That is how I, as a man, got the first inkling of understanding of what it is to be the Bride of Christ. I have to become vulnerable to Him completely. That also reminds me of my huge responsibility to be a Christ-like husband all the time, but even (especially?) during sex.
5. Where many men go wrong is in thinking that they desire sex and their wife is simply the only proper outlet. They treat their wives simply as a place to have an orgasm. Such an attitude does turn sex into a degrading act. When I desire sex with my wife, I’m not desiring sex, I’m desiring HER sexually. That’s how I connect with her best and bond. It’s not the only way I connect, but it’s the strongest way. It’s not the strongest way for her to connect to me. That’s through regular verbal communication, so even though talking is not actually congenial to me (you’d never guess that from my long posts), I do it for her. And the funny thing is that over the years, as I talk more with my wife, not only has it strengthened our marriage, I’ve discovered that I actually like it!
6. Something that has been very helpful to me in dealing with pain and bitterness is “The Problem of Pain” by C. S. Lewis. Very readable. I won’t elaborate here, but I’ve had my full share of pain, hurt, and bitterness in life. I’ve despaired over my marriage, my kids, my health, my job, even to the point of seriously thinking of taking my life. God hasn’t healed it all, but He has taken the sting of bitterness out of it. Not everything will be healed in this life. Our full redemption will not happen in this fallen world, because it also has to be redeemed and re-created. But God can do some miraculous things. I’ve seen plenty in my own life and in the lives of others. His healing doesn’t always go according to my plan or my agenda, but His hand is always loving.
One last point. In a very real way, I understand the feeling that sex is a degrading act. I was sexually abused as a boy and became an object used for someone else’s pleasure. That twisted and warped my understanding of my own sexuality and propelled me into a life of perversion and promiscuity. When God freed me from that, I found that I still had residual misunderstanding about God’s design for sex and brought that confusion into my marriage. Someone else’s sin had far reaching effects on my life and on my wife. Only God can undo the damage, unravel the knot that sin makes of our lives, and bring about restoration of His design to any extent at all.
That is so very true, Bob. It’s very hard to get rid of those messages. We must constantly fight against them. And often you don’t even realize how much they affected you until years later. You could be healed, and then God will reveal an even deeper level of healing for you. It’s good, but it’s oh so painful.
Gillian, I think the source of many of your problems is your attitude. Your attitude towards sex, God, and others who are just trying to help. You can’t go through life with a chip on your shoulder and not have it weigh you down.
The thing about God’s healing is that it doesn’t always happen in the way we expect or even prayed for. But He absolutely always heals. My sister died from cancer when she was only 15. She is with Jesus now and is totally healed. Is that what my family wanted and what we prayed for? Yes, but not really. We prayed for her to be healed and God’s will to be done and it was, but we wanted her healed here on earth so we wouldn’t have to go through the pain of her passing. My family has grown very close because of what we went through together and have a deeper love and appreciation for each other and for God and Christ because of the everlasting life and healing that comes after this life. That is truly where everything is set right.
That story didn’t have anything to do with sex but everything to do with the fact that God doesn’t just give us what we ask for in order to heal us. And often it’s our attitude and outlook on life and our opinion of God and our relationship with Him that needs to improve before anything else will.
The fact is that normal marital sex, even if you don’t get the same pleasure out of it as your husband does, is NOT degrading. If he made you do degrading things that is different. But loving mutual sex, even if it were totally devoid of physical pleasure for one or the other, between a husband and a wife is not degrading. Ever. Sexual pleasure doesn’t just come from physical orgasm. It comes from the satisfaction of giving yourself and, yes, pleasure to someone you love. If you don’t acknowledge that aspect of sex, then it can never truly be satisfying whether you have an orgasm or not.
You will be in my prayers, Gillian.
Samantha, I agree with what you’re saying about God, absolutely!
But I do think that we need to understand that for some women, sex actually is degrading, and there is a reason for it: It’s really difficult when he is getting tremendous pleasure out of something that does absolutely nothing for you, night after night, and no one seems to care about you. It’s actually a very lonely feeling, lying there, thinking, “does anyone even care about me?”, when he is literally inside your body. It’s like he is using you in an extremely vulnerable way, but you don’t matter.
And that does feel degrading.
I’m not saying that it is, or that we shouldn’t fight against this feeling. I definitely believe that we should! But I also think that we need to allow women to speak up and say how truly awful this does feel, because it does. And papering over it doesn’t really help. Yes, they need to change their perspective. But I think acknowledging that, “If that’s the way sex is for you, no wonder it feels degrading!” is really quite true. Because in the Christian church I think we’ve set up this situation where sex is highly degrading for some women, because it’s all about HIS pleasure, all the while he’s actually inside her. In many ways, that’s the definition of degrading.
So what’s the way around it? I think it’s helping to focus on her pleasure as well. If she truly can’t feel sexual pleasure, then surely she can feel a massage first or something that tells her that she matters. Because sex is supposed to be mutual, and when it never, ever is–well, that does make it seem degrading.
So let’s talk about how we can make it mutual. Let’s make sure that she matters, too! And let’s allow women to speak out loud their disappointment. I think if we did that, and started a real conversation in the church about how we have been approaching sex wrong, then maybe fewer women would feel that way. That’s kind of what I see my mission being, anyway, because I totally understand what Gillian is saying. So now the question is: how do we move forward? Not how do we invalidate her feelings or tell her she’s wrong, but how do we change the couple’s approach to sex so that it isn’t degrading anymore?
@ Sheila—
I want to pick up on what you said in your reply to Samantha.
In discussing how we make sex mutual and intimate and communal, and how we move forward, what is it that husbands who read your blog do? What can we bring to the discussions that will advance the conversation?
Great question! I think it depends on your wife, and what your own unique issues are, but if it was a woman like Gillian who was saying that sex was degrading, I would say something like this:
I think something like that is the way forward. Along with some apologies if sex has become more about him using her, because that is hurtful, even if that’s not ever what he intended.
I think with all the talk in the church about how “the husband needs sex”, it’s become focused on him feeling good. We need to talk more about how sex was designed to be good for her, too, because I think with many couples, it doesn’t feel good for her, but they don’t necessarily realize that there’s anything wrong with that.
Sheila, I think your reply to Greg is spot on. We need to change the message that men receive, both in and out of the church. I think the “purity” emphasis has ended up doing a lot of damage. It leaves the impression that sex before marriage is really bad, but it doesn’t supply a positive message, to men AND women, about what God’s des9gn for sex in marriage really is. I really think that if I had had good teaching from parents or church about God’s plan for sex, my life might have been very different. That would have been at least one less piece of baggage I brought into my marriage.
And each man’s mind and heart must be changed, one at a time. You can spread a positive message about this, but each man has to understand it personally and let God change him individually. That was my experience.
That’s a great conversation starter, Sheila.
I’m thinking aloud here, but I’m curious your opinion: You write, “I think with all the talk in the church about how ‘the husband needs sex’, it’s become focused on him feeling good.” Do you have a feeling that that’s some of This World seeping into the church, discoloring our perspective?
As God transformed my thinking, I starting finding the terms we use to discuss sex like ‘having sex’ or ‘making love’ either distasteful or insufficient; instead I use terms (as seen here) like ‘communion’ and ‘celebration.’ As I’ve matured in my faith and intimacy, I’ve discovered sex is so much more than just feelings, and in particular physical feelings. Do discussions of ‘his sensations’ and ‘her sensations’ do us, as brothers and sisters in Christ, a disservice?
And back to my original question to you Sheila, are there perspectives or insights that your husband readers here can offer to help advance the conversation?
It may be my age (I’m almost 61), but my problem about sex talk in the church is that when I was a kid and a young man, there wasn’t ANY talk about sex. The whole message conveyed was that it is some horrible thing if you aren’t married, and it’s some wonderful thing if you are married, but we’re not going to help you figure any of it out, you’ll have to do that yourself without any help, unless you go to secular books or (horrors!) pornography or locker room talk, and it doesn’t really matter because sex is of the flesh and we walk by the spirit not the flesh, so sex is pretty unspiritual and should be really low on your list of priorities, unless you’re just a horny man, and then you have to feel really bad about wanting sex with your wife . . . .
You get the picture. I’m amazed I didn’t turn out any weirder than I am!
I just wanted to take a moment to reply to Bobthemusicguy. I’m sorry you took issue with what I said. Please understand, though, that for many women, while sex is not exactly degrading, it can be a very difficult thing. My husband is a really great guy, and I have spent my entire marriage trying to believe the message on blogs like this one that show what God’s design for sex is. But I have also struggled with a physical sexual dysfunction for my entire marriage. Despite all of the time, money, tears, prayers and effort that we have spent on this together, the best I can generally hope for in sex is feeling nothing, rather than the excruciating pain that I started our marriage with. In a situation like that, while I wouldn’t say sex with my husband is degrading, it leaves me feeling empty afterwards. Not to mention selfish for still wishing for more. It’s often hard to believe that sex in marriage is worth fighting for, in a situation like this. And sometimes all I can do is cry out in frustration that God made me this way. I know I am not the only woman in this situation, so I guess all I’m asking for is that you allow for some grace before judging.
Becky, point taken, thanks for the clarification.
I’m not judging you or anyone, woman or man, who is dealing with sexual difficulties, physical or otherwise.
My point has been that in sexual relations, as in virtually EVERY area of life, we take the present state of affairs in this world as “just the way things are” and assume that’s the way God made it to be.
Using myself as an example, I’ve shared here and on other blogs, about being sexually abused as a boy, and how the mental and emotional confusion that resulted made me believe I was homosexual. I became very promiscuous during my college years, and it is by God’s grace that I’m even alive.
My wife knew this before we married, when we were just friends, and her acceptance of me while rejecting my sexual sin, was the starting point of God’s freeing me from that lie I was believing. But even after God freed me, the emotional healing took a long time, and the warped view I had about sex in general, really messed up my marriage. God has healed that, too.
For a long time, my question to God was, Why did You make me homosexual? Later, it became, How can I forgive those who destroyed me? Then it became, Why did I have to go through so much pain? I’ve been grieving for a life that might have been.
Now, God has brought me to the point of asking, How can I share my story so others may find some crumb of comfort, some ray of hope, some sense they’re not alone, and maybe, just maybe, begin their own journey with God toward wholeness. I’ve shared on blogs, anonymously. I’ve only shared with my wife and my pastor in person. I feel that God’s moving me toward something more, although I’m scared to death because of bigotry in the church. There are many who would rather I had been a drug addict or a murderer than a homosexual.
Becky, you are showing that you love your husband, and in this day when so many throw in the towel at the least trouble, your perseverance is an inspiration to all.
I have nothing but compassion for you and your situation. Not a condescending sort of compassion or pity. Just the very real compassion that hits me whenever I think of what sin has done to this world. I think that’s a dim echo of the compassion that God has and which made Him send His Son.
He promises to “restore the years the locusts have eaten” but we will see only pieces of that in this life. Even those bits can be wonderful, but it makes me bow in awe and wonder when I remember that “eye has not seen and ear has not heard” what God has in store for His children.
In the meantime, let’s show each other grace, fellowship, compassion, mercy, support, encouragement, and love. And let’s keep praying for each other.
Gillian, I’m so sorry. I know so many women who see sex as degrading, and that’s really not the way it’s supposed to be. But I totally understand it feeling that way. I really do, especially if you’re getting nothing out of it, and he seems to have this absolutely amazing time basically using you. I get it.
What I worry about, though, is that you’re not fighting back. God made this to be an amazing thing for you, too! I know you haven’t experienced that, and have given up hope that it can happen (and really likely can’t even picture it). I was there, too. For me, it was because sex physically was painful for the first few years of our marriage. How could something that caused me pain be so amazing for him? That really was gross and degrading.
But I eventually decided that I didn’t want to be stuck there. I didn’t want to go through my life missing out on something great that God made for me, too. At the time I couldn’t picture how it could even be great, let alone intimate. But I figured that if it was supposed to be, and if everyone else could seem to experience it, then I had to figure it out, too.
I just want to tell you that I get it. I do. But i don’t want you stuck here. And I hope that you can keep reading the posts, and maybe pick up The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and get a vision for what it could be. You don’t want to miss out on that.
I just want to emphasize Sheila’s point “God made this to be an amazing thing for you, too!”
God designed the clitoris for one purpose and one purpose alone: pleasure. Men don’t have one… and more to my point, men can only have one… one orgasm. Women are designed by God to be able to have more than one orgasm. It just takes practice, understanding and a willingness for a husband to be selfless. Sex with a selfish man is degrading in my book. Men in general need to be less selfish. If your wife isn’t having fun, find a way to make it fun. Please don’t forget, this is a team sport. If your wife loses, you lose too. If your wife wins, you get hornier than ever… just sayin…
To answer the question Shiela posed in the title, I’d say “Yes! It definitely does all come down to sex!” Your sex life is the thermometer for your marriage as a whole. For example, my parents for as long as I can remember (& I’m almost 30) have had sex on their anniversary and maybe on his birthday. That’s it! Now, sure, my mom has lupus so she’s tired all the time. But still, there are things they could have done to keep the blame burning between them. Since they let it die out, their arguing and bickering has steadily increased. I really noticed it when I came back from college to visit and saw how they interacted. Not sure if it was always that bad, or if it just seemed that way to me because I hadn’t heard them fight like that in awhile in person. They both say hurtful things to each other and since they’ve been together 35 years they know exactly what to say to make it hurt the most. Truly sad. My father often sides with my widow grandmother or does things for her before doing things for my mom (& my grandmother has never liked my mom from day one, so there’s that history too).
Given what I witnessed growing up (how they’d be nice to each other when they were both in good moods 60-70% of the time, but just totally erupt in their quiet yet verbally abusive / passive aggressive ways when having disagreements), I noticed my own marriage sliding into this rhythm once my husband and I hadn’t had sex for several months. (See other comments on this blog post for details). While not everything in a marriage can be solved by loving sex, loving and respectful sex DEFINITELY effects who a husband and wife interact with each other on a daily basis. When you have more sex, you feel more connected to the other person, so you’re more willing to not sweat the small stuff (or at least bring it to their attention in a less angry way).
^ keep the flame burning * (not blame, lol, though they do plenty of that too)
There was no ‘nastiness’ in my reply Natalie. But your comments are a bit snowball effect and you have a lot to say, which is when perhaps you might get yourself into a predicament of not filtering what you’re saying.
I’m not going to waste anymore time commenting further.
For what it is worth, I completely agree with Natalie – yes, everything comes right back down to sex. It’s as simple as that – I could expound on that in many ways but so many have said the right things in this post and this thread.
Sheila, I want to follow up on the first comment (WAY back) your post got, from Heather. She’s the woman who once began the process of “transitioning” into a man (I won’t even go there). After her first testosterone shot, she couldn’t stop thinking about sex.
As a man, I’d like to remind folks (including other men) that there is a huge impact on our attitudes about sex from our hormones. Just a quick physiology review. (A lot of this I didn’t really understand until recently.)
When a man is sexually aroused, the prostate and the seminal vesicles fill, and the only way the pressure can be relieved is by ejaculating. The pressure can range from a vague discomfort to actual pain. But when arousal occurs, it triggers the brain to order up more testosterone. Testosterone is linked to “male behaviors” such as aggression and risky behavior. In short, a lot of testosterone can make a man kind of stupid.
I used to think that the antsy feeling I had without sexual release was pretty much in my mind. I’ve found that there is a huge physical component, much like hunger for food, that wants to be satisfied.
Two observations:
1. Feeling this sexual hunger doesn’t excuse me from being unloving to my wife, mean to my kids, snappy with friends, or just general boorishness. As a follower of Christ, I’m obligated (and empowered by the Holy Spirit) to exercise self-control. I’m not asking for excuses, just a bit of understanding when I’m particularly horny. It’s not all in my head, it’s in my body chemistry, so please show me some grace when I blow it.
2. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. I’ve read again and again on various blogs, comments from women who seem to expect that because of the time of the month, her hormones should excuse bad behavior. I’m not pointing a finger at anyone in particular. It’s just something I’ve read many times. When we were younger, I learned to avoid certain things during certain times of my wife’s hormonal cycle. But I didn’t excuse bad behavior, and to her credit, neither did she.
The food hunger analogy works on another level. If I’m starving, I have no right to grab food off of someone else’s plate, nor should I go to a buffet, stick my face in, and pig out, shoving everyone aside. And if my food hunger is being met in proper, normal ways, I’m much less likely to engage in those ugly behaviors.
I sincerely hope no one reads my comment as an excuse for a man to be rude, mean, or abusive. But I want women to realize that for many, if not most men, the desire for sex is as strong as food hunger sometimes. Add to that the relational aspect of sex, and it really does come down to sex for men.
Bob—
Your hunger analogy is spot on. Just as hormones within us trigger our needs for food and drink, so do they trigger our need for intimacy. And as you write, “If I’m starving, I have no right to grab food off of someone else’s plate, nor should I go to a buffet, stick my face in, and pig out, shoving everyone aside.” Being desirous—just like being hungry—isn’t of itself a bad thing; it’s how we _choose_ to address and satisfy those needs that determines the propriety.
Here’s a further thought I drew from the food analogy: if one spouse is particularly hungry and the other isn’t, I don’t think a conversation like this is uncommon:
“Hey, I’m starving—you wanna get something to eat?”
“No, I’m not particularly hungry, * but I’ll join you * .”
To be sure, the very nature of gathering in the marriage bed is more intimate and vulnerable that gathering around the table, but if we’re in a place we can be open and honest and judge-less with each other, one spouse can say the sexual equivalent of, “I’m not hungry, so don’t worry about me—I just want to be with you.”
And who knows? The non-‘hungry’ spouse may even find him- or herself grabbing a fry or two off the other’s plate. 😉
Bob and Greg–
Beautiful way to express something that, if not gently treated, can come across as excusing etc.!
My husband and I just celebrated 10 years married, and our physical connection has been a bit of a roller coaster at times. Having the hard conversations and finding key phrases to help communicate (‘don’t like this phrase but it is the closest I can come up with’ is a good one to ease whatever mental connotations may come with particular words) helps a lot.
I love the ‘meh, not hungry now but I’ll sit with you’ analogy. Working on ‘stealing fries’ more often myself 🙂 For me, if he gets too excited and goes pedal to the metal, I get left in the dust. If that is the experience I really could just take it or leave it. When it is something we do TOGETHER, I am most definitely interested, even if I don’t climax every time. Work in progress, but since he sincerely listens and tries, it is much easier for me to meet him partway.
Bob, I’m pinning this article to my Parenting board on Pinterest so I can show your comment to my son when he gets the puberty talk. That was excellent!!! (coming from a woman who doesn’t get particularly PMS-y but is definitely the posterchild for “hangry” when hunger strikes!)
Natalie, glad I could be of some help. I think the problem is that not only virtually all women, but most men, don’t understand male sexuality. I know I didn’t. I had lots of misinformation from lack of teaching, bad teaching, and some stupid assumptions.
To be fair, I think few people, male or female, understand female sexuality. I know I thought my wife would feel horny because that’s the way I work. The responsive nature of her sexuality was, and still is to some degree, a mystery to me. But what I don’t understand I can still accept. I mean, if I had to understand something completely before I accepted its truth, I would never believe in God. Maybe for us men, learning to receive truth about our wives “by faith” is good training for the Christian life.
Hey @bobthemusicguy – I’m always hungry and I will gladly join you for the buffet. I’m on the menu, baby. Thanks for sticking with my for all those years – even the celibate ones. You’re a treasure.
Some say that we can’t address the spiritual needs of people that are hungry – so we work to provide the basic necessities of life first and then we can preach the gospel. That is true.
It’s also hard to address to relationship needs of people when they are hungry.
As a hungry husband, I work hard to address the relationship needs of my wife, but she doesn’t seem to see the hunger that I’m dealing with.
We’ve spent enough time in discussion and counseling that she is intellectually aware, but emotionally unconvinced and very unaware of the constancy of it.
This post is probably one of the most insightful posts, and if understood by wives, would produce significant improvement in relationships.
So, if you are a wife reading this and think, “that’s not an issue for us”, think again. It’s very likely THE issue.
We enjoy sex when we are both into it. Problem is, after 40 plus years and menopause, I really could care less if I ever have sex again. My husband constantly touches me, or tries to encourage sex . All I want is a hug and kiss and snuggle. But, when I do initiate these hugs and kisses he thinks right away we should be having sex. So I shy away from doing these things. I feel guilty when he says things like, ” after all these years don’t you like that I’m still attracted to you sexually?’ I feel sometimes that is all he wants. How can I nicely say, I don’t want sex, I just want to hold your hand!…..
Jk
I love having sex with my wife and love her very much. I know she is disappointed in our sex life because she has a higher sex drive than I do. How can I make her feel wanted?
I think the big thing is to initiate sex every now and then, even if you’re not particularly in the mood. Just initiate. And then spend some time on foreplay so that everyone’s aroused. When you pursue her, she’ll feel wanted!
Julie,
It may interest you to know that in spite of where you believe you are physically due to age and menopause, it doesn’t have to be that way – IF you’re willing to take another look at it all. My husband and I will be 71 and 72 this year and will also celebrate our fiftieth anniversary!
We have both had serious health issues, some only a few years ago, and some ongoing. Some were caused by things outside our control. I’ve found the phrase “BUT GOD” to be of much greater meaning to me in the past six years. He didn’t cause the bad things, but we’ve learned and grown in so many ways as we see His loving care and protection day by day.
We have also learned, and continue to learn, about the ways God has created us individually and learn to understand each other more. I learned more about myself sexually, and we began to enjoy things together more often. Men and women can’t automatically know how the other feels or how the other person’s body works, or the intricacies of a woman’s body of her emotional ups and downs. As said earlier (Bob?), women often don’t understand ourselves!
I don’t remember who said this, but we need to remember that often the better comes AFTER the worse. And BUT GOD… Talk to Him a lot. If one of you is much quieter than the other, then talk to God about it. Whatever happens, you’re together by God’s grace, so thank Him for it and live a day at a time. That’s all any of us have.
My husband still works a full-time job, but there is much I’m unable to do because of my situation, which progresses very slowly, yet has caused us to rely more the faithfulness of God.
Others need to know that those of us who are “of a certain age”, can and do still enjoy sex, just not as often or as vigorously. And that’s a day to day personal choice. It can have the same effect on each of us and our feeling of value as that of you who are much younger. Scripture tells us to encourage and build each other up. All the more important in a marriage and family relationship. We continue to grow. It has been personally challenging at times, but wow! What an amazing blessing to get to fifty years!!! So try to look for the good in the other even when it hard to find, and love even when it hard to like. God honors the right heart attitude.