Why is it so hard sometimes to say yes to sex?
I asked that question a while back on my Facebook Page (have you joined yet?) and got some interesting answers!
Here’s what you all said about why you’re rarely in the mood for making love:
- he hasn’t paid attention to any part of my day up to that moment.
- When the house is turned upside down!
- When a sexual comment is the only conversation I’ve heard from hubby all day…we’ve been married 30 years.
- When we’ve had an argument and then he thinks he can roll over and we’ll kiss and make up. Yeah right!!!! Or when I’m so tired I can’t see straight
- .…when the only conversation for the day is a proposition
- you don’t come to bed until after mid night because you once again fell asleep watching television.
- When I can’t get my brain to slow down and relax.
- …when he ignored and/or criticized me all day
- I’ve been in mommy mode for 12 hours.
- you refuse to shower for a long length of time.
- when he wont kiss me and ask me how i am doing or say good morning
- When I have had to discipline kids allllll day long!!! Sometimes it is difficult switching roles!!!
- When I feel unattractive and over weight. Regardless of how beautiful my husband tells me I am.
- When I had small babies with me all day, I felt like someone was ALWAYS touching me. I needed hands-off time.
- …he has fallen asleep on the couch and stayed there and it happens a couple nights in a row, and then suddenly comes to bed several nights later…
And then there were a few versions of this one:
- I know it doesn’t last too long….lol
Whew! That’s a lot of women struggling in this area.
So ladies, we all know we have these issues. We know these problems abound. But we also know that sex keeps a marriage close. It helps you to sleep better. And it helps you to feel more positively towards your spouse.
How, then, do we get over this hurdle and actually make love?
Some quick thoughts for you today:
1. Go to bed at a decent hour regularly
Seriously. The biggest hurdle? Exhaustion. I totally understand. But when we’re always running on 6 1/2 hours or less of sleep, or we don’t head to bed until we’re ready to drop, we’re hardly going to want to make love.
So go to bed at the same time. Turn off those screens and turn in! And here’s a way to think about it: You need 8 hours of sleep. You also need AT LEAST half an hour in bed first, talking and praying and making love. So you should be going to bed AT LEAST 8 1/2 hours before the alarm is going to go off (or the kids are going to arrive in the bedroom).
Do that consistently, and you’ll likely find exhaustion isn’t as much of a factor.
I know it’s hard when children are really little, but that’s when setting firm schedules and helping them learn to sleep through the night can be so important.
2. Take some time for yourself during the day
Find an hour, just for yourself, sometime during the day so that you don’t need those late hours at night. A friend of mine, who is a foster mom, joined a gym where they offer free day care. Now she can exercise, or just relax in the pool, for an hour every so often while her foster kids are taken care of. She needs that break.
Another friend of mine who works full time takes her lunch hour all to herself. She doesn’t hang out with co-workers. She just goes for a walk and eats while walking, or she reads a novel. She escapes to a food court where people won’t bug her and she just catches a few moments when no one is asking her to do anything.
Get that time earlier in the day and you’ll be more rejuvenated later in the day! And don’t expect that time to magically appear. Schedule it in.
Are you TIRED of always being too tired?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
3. Find time to talk to your hubby
One of the biggest impediments was a version of, “he’s only interested in me for one thing”. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t speak nicely to me. He spends the evening as a couch potato and then he wants sex.
That can be very demoralizing. But I’ve also found that, in general, the more we make love, the more he actually WANTS to spend time together. It becomes a circle that feeds itself. You make love, he feels more affectionate and generous. He acts more affectionate and generous, you make love. Etc. etc.
So start the ball rolling! But if that’s still difficult because you just haven’t connected, plan time earlier in the evening to do that connection. Go for a walk after dinner. Ask if he’ll help you with the dishes routine after dinner so that you can talk while doing the dishes. Talk about what chores you can assign to each other so you feel as if he has contributed that evening. Maybe he can always be the one to give the kids their baths, for instance. We tend to clean the house when we see what needs doing. Men don’t work the same way. So if you ask him for a specific task, he’s more likely to do it.
If you talk more earlier in the day, and if he does a chore or two, you can get over some of that reluctance. And then see how adding sex to the equation in your marriage can actually improve many of these difficulties that make you distant in the first place!
4. Anticipate
Finally, the reason that we find it hard to say yes is that for women, sex is primarily in our brains. If our brains aren’t engaged, it’s hard for our bodies to feel aroused. So feeling distant, feeling exhausted, or feeling taken for granted all become major impediments because they impact our thought processes.
But remember: it also works the other way. If sex is primarily in our brains, then if we DECIDE to have a positive attitude about it, and we DECIDE to anticipate it, our bodies will likely follow. We are not slaves to our thoughts; we can change them–and these new thoughts can change your marriage. Think earlier in the day: I am going to feel AMAZING tonight. We are going to have AWESOME sex and it’s going to help me sleep so well! I’m going to be able to RELAX tonight an all the worries of the day are going to float away. I’m going to have so much FUN! We’re going to really connect tonight!
Anticipating Sex is far easier, too, if sex is really fun!
And thank you to Ultimate Intimacy for sponsoring this shout out and allowing me to share about something super fun!
I LOVE the Ultimate Intimacy app because it takes sex from something that’s routine, where you always do the same thing every time, and it makes sex into a super fun game you can play together, so that you laugh, build intimacy, and feel great, all at the same time.
I’ve been looking for an app like this for ages, and even considered creating one myself, when I found Ultimate Intimacy. It does so much–it’s got tons of resources and info on things like how to have an orgasm, how to plan a great date night, even how to make a weekend away awesome. But it also has a smorgasbord of positions to try and a game that gives you to-do instructions: starting with something romantic, then with foreplay, then with heavy foreplay, and then with something hot and heavy!
Best of all, it uses no sketchy pictures of actual people, and it fits clearly within a marriage framework. Nothing pornographic will be suggested!
It’s just pure fun. And it’s great. And the paid version of the app is only $8.99!
Or read my full review of the Ultimate Intimacy app!
Now tell me in the comments: which strategy do you think will make the biggest difference in your marriage? Have you had success with any of these in the past?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I can absolutely relate to this post!! Not only I have experienced almost every single one of the examples you gave at the beginning… I have also done every one of your suggestions! I have consistently gotten better at these things and have invited my husband along, particularly to go to bed together. Half the time it doesn’t happen (he might pray with me and then go back to watching tv) which is disheartening, but it does take feelings of guilt etc off as I know I have been available. I don’t know how healthy this is, but I’m going to keep trying and keep pushing to have connecting time when the day is done!
Yay! I’m so glad it’s helping you, Rachel. And way to go for deciding to prioritize this.
In regards to your 3rd suggestion, my wife made an interesting comment. A few years ago, my wife commented about my behavior the day after sex. I was more helpful around the the house,. I was more cheerful and talked more to her. She was disappointed that sex would have this impact on me. In fact, she stated that this is a male weakness and husbands should NOT be any different after sex.
My takeaway from these type of discussions with my wife…be the godly husband to her regardless of having sex. So now if we have sex, there are no changes in me.
That’s too bad.
I actually think it’s one of the cool things about sex that in the day or two afterwards, you do tend to be kinder to one another. It’s not a bad thing. It’s because of the bonding hormone oxytocin, plus you feel like you’ve connected so the tension level is down, and you feel very kindhearted towards one another, so you’re naturally more affectionate. I think that’s the way we’re made.
Yes, we should be helpful around the house regardless, but I think that it’s nice when we’re more comfortable with each other afterwards. I hope she can see that one day!
Sheila. I would like to see what you say about our situation. My wife has a number of mental illnesses is and a weight problem. Her self-image is horrible. She often doesn’t want to let me love her in anyway because she doesn’t deserve me in her mind and I am supposedly too good for her and she supposedly stole me away from someone better.
I would appreciate anything you would recommend. (She already has a therapist and psychiatrist.)
Nick, that’s so tough. I do think that when it comes to weight problems, sometimes we get so discouraged we give up and live on the couch, which obviously makes the problem worse. I find that if people can simply get outside more, and do more fun things (like getting a new hobby you do together), that can just help because it gives more energy and it lightens the mood. Even just once a week, getting out and doing something interesting, like taking a walk or going fishing or going birdwatching or anything. It doesn’t have to be strenuous. But it’s good to feel as if you can do something.
And as for her self-talk, when she says those things, it’s important to speak back to her. “It hurts me when you say that. I chose you, I’m glad I’m here, and when you say those things, it’s like you’re saying I’m lying. I don’t appreciate that.”
Or “I love you, I’m not going anywhere, and you can try to push me away but it won’t work, and it hurts me that you are doing that.”
And keep repeating those things. Tell her that you would appreciate it if she would stop saying those things. But also talk to her counsellor about a strategy that her counsellor would recommend. But personally, I wouldn’t let those comments go unanswered. If she says it out loud, it’s what she’s thinking. If she stops saying it, she won’t think it as much.
I’ve spoken to this in my replies elsewhere on the blog, but I’ve adopted an approach that is a flipside to #3: I actively seek ways to help my wife by asking, “What do you need? How can I help?” I ask this genuinely, legitimately, even when I’m tired after a day’s work, yet I find myself fueled by a joy in giving to her, to our family, as a way to contribute to the partnership of our marriage. So like #3, the more I offer to shoulder work and chores and things around the house, the less she bears and the lighter her spirit is, and the more at ease she is at evening’s end, the more frequent and passionate our communions become.
I do try those things. With weight loss also, I can assure you I cannot do it alongside her. I weigh about 125 pounds. If I do weight loss, there will be nothing left. I need weight gain and I can’t because of a steel rod on my back.
We’re in Celebrate Recovery together and that does help some, but I wish I had something more on those lies she tells herself. My wife is the greatest gift I have outside of salvation in Jesus Christ. I can’t believe an incredible woman like that can actually want me. It’s amazing.
I’m struggling with this right now as my husband just broke his ankle and is pretty unable to do much for himself. I now have to take care of myself, our 3 month old, and him. It’s a lot for one person! I find myself getting a little resentful of him because it was already hard enough for me to do the small self care I needed like showering and going to the bathroom, but now it’s nearly impossible between him and the baby needing me. It doesn’t make sex appealing at all, but I always feel better afterward. It’s such a hard place to be!
I broke my ankle after we’d been married for 3 months, and I could do nothing for myself, like your husband. I didn’t work for 3 weeks, and I have an office job! Then I had crutches for 7 weeks and a boot for another 5. Let me tell you, I felt like such a burden for my husband. As much as I wanted to do things, I couldn’t. I say that all to day chances are your husband is feeling terrible that his current condition is so limiting. But during that time, I wanted sex often. It felt like the only thing that I could do for my husband.
Can he have a buddy come over a couple times a week for the next couple weeks to keep him company and give you a little break from caring for 2 people?
Heather, I hope your husband will find what I found after open heart surgery. The utter helplessness I experienced totally changed my understanding of my wife. I hate not being in control, and there I was, unable to do literally anything on my own. My wife’s loving care for me was a perfect lesson in surrendering myself to God. She showed me the face of God every minute of every day during my recovery. I know it took a real toll on her, and it made me love her even more deeply because of her sacrifice. I’ve been a better husband for her, not out of trying to repay her love (Can we ever “repay” love anyway?), but because she has inspired me by her example. It sounds like you are doing the same in your care for your husband. He is a blessed man. I hope he understands that.
That is beautiful, Bob.
My husband’s work schedule is such that he has to wake up at like 3:30 am most week days. And I need so much foreplay that we would have to start at dinnertime while the kids were still up if we tried to do something on a night he has to work in the morning. Lol…but weekends can work well provided we’re not exhausted or in pain. I deal with a lot of back pain, so it can be hard for me with the want-to’s. I think we’re in a decent groove though because he waits for me to initiate even if it’s like 10 PM on a Saturday night.