Does hitting puberty early, and growing a bust early, contribute to sexual shame?
All too often it can. A few weeks ago I asked on Facebook and Twitter for women’s experiences if they grew breasts early. The stories and comments were so sad! I just want to share some with you, and then leave you with some of my thoughts.
So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, here are 10 themes that I found about women’s experiences when they grew large chests early:
1. Assuming big breasts = Sex obsessed
- I am 15 years old and I often get comments from grown men saying I need to ‘cover up’ because they might not be able to control themselves. My stepfather commented on my breasts when I was younger and even made comments about how I would grow up to be a stripper.
- I was well aware that I got a lot of attention from guys because of my chest. … I regularly had to tell guys I was only 13, which had them running for the hills. I was called “jailbait” all the time. I was approached sexually by guys on a weekly basis. For me, I felt like my chest was a bad thing because I got so much creepy attention for it.
2. Accusing them of being a temptation
Embarrassed! I was homeschooled, and my guyfriend’s moms would tell me I shouldn’t front-hug their sons because I was being a temptation.
3. Difficulty of finding “modest” clothing when you have natural cleavage
Swim suits were a nightmare as my mother tried to keep me modest. Cleavage was forbidden which meant wearing clothes always up to my collar bones. So many safety pins trying to correct my outfits. My dad stopped hugging me.
4. Unwanted sexual touching (assault) in school
- I was forced to wear roller disco shorts that fit at the beginning of the year, but then I grew. I was felt up by teacher and a student. I still am unable to enjoy sports.
- I was in a C-cup in 3rd grade. By high-school boys assumed they could grab my boobs. I had to use “the kick” often. Of course the christian guilt that came with boys grabbing me was no fun either.
5. Being teased horribly by other girls
- First I felt great I was becoming a woman, however that soon changed. The cruelty of the girls who called me chestarella to shame & embarrass me in front of others.
- I hated it. I was always super modest, but I have a very large chest that came in early. I was accused of being a bra stuffer. I went to a church lock in and when I was in another room doing an activity, some of the girls got into my bag and got out my big, giant, middle school pads, covered them in red Play-Doh, and stuck them to the walls. Middle school was utter misery and a big part of it was that I was an early bloomer with a large chest. And it didn’t help that I have very heavy periods, and would bleed through a lot. My mom never really had any kind of “talks” with me so I didn’t even understand how tampons worked (I tried to leave them in the plastic part and just shoved it in there). Puberty sucked for real.
- Awkward and miserable. I got my period before the 4th grade and developed quickly (size B boobs by 6th grade) and was bullied by boys and girls because of it. Verbally bullied because of my boobs, curves, period and some genetics. It got so bad that I had to make special arrangments to use the nurse’s bathroom every time I was on my period. One “friend” even sneakily unhooked my bra during recess (she claimed she was going to massage my shoulders).
6. Being singled out by teachers
It was really hard. My breasts were large by the time I was 10, although I didn’t get my period until 13. My 4th grade teacher made it a point to announce to the class that I was the first to start wearing a bra. Everyone commented: teachers, kids, adults, church people, you name it. It was like throughout my life I was only known as “the one with the big boobs”. I learned to hate my body. I was always uncomfortable. Had a reduction when I was 21, brutal surgery, as one commenter stated. It helped a little, but I still felt like they were too big. 46 years old now, and I am finally coming to terms with loving and accepting my body, but it has been daily struggle.
7. Being an object of curiosity (again, unwanted sexual touching)
I honestly had no Idea I was different until after Christmas my 5th grade year and I came back to school with a crushed velvet shirt(my favorite Christmas gift) and everyone was rubbing it, because it was so soft and my teacher made me go to the nurse and my mom had to bring me a new shirt. I wasn’t allowed to wear it again. That crushed me. My mom told me that the boys were rubbing my boobs( I was already a B) and that isn’t ok. I had no idea it was bad or wrong. After that I was embarrassed to wear tight shirts and started wearing oversized shirts so no one would notice. I got over it as I got older, but it was hard when I was young.
8. Thinking the problem was that you were “fat”
Embarrassed. Awkward. I was made fun of and nothing ever fit right. I thought I was really fat and started dieting in 5th grade.
9. Becoming shy, even though that’s not your personality
I hated it too. I was super self conscious and still fight that today. It made me feel very shy and aware vs feeling confident and proud.
10. Finally, one healthy response (after dozens of scarred ones):
Embraced them. Dressed to enhance them…not inappropriately til in my very late teens early 20s. More saggy these days but still one of my better features. Still the most endowed of my friends
This all breaks my heart. And I do want to say a few things.
Could adolescent shame be playing a part in your sex life?
If you grew up feeling like your body was evil, and that your breasts caused you a ton of embarrassment, then maybe it’s no wonder if you’re finding it difficult to enjoy your breasts or to feel sexy! These things that affect us at key times in our lives often travel with us.
So as you read those comments, did any of them trigger anything with you? Do you remember feeling that way? If so, I just urge you to face those things head on, and then pray through the shame and reject it. God really did make your body beautiful. I’m sorry if you were ever made to feel otherwise.
Your body is not dangerous!
What made me particularly angry was how many girls were made to feel like their body was dangerous to men. The way we tell our young girls to cover up because men might lust after them? Do we have any idea what that makes girls feel like?
My daughter Katie developed early, and she’s shared before in a video that when she was in fourth grade, her Sunday School teacher took her aside one day and told her that now that she was developing, she’d have to watch what she wore because men would be looking at her chest. She was horrified. Adult men were looking at her chest?!? What?!?
And then telling girls that they were now objects of temptation? Not fair. Not fair at all.
Yes, I want girls to dress to respect themselves (and I explain how we can teach them that properly). But we must stop this narrative that girls are responsible if men lust, and that girls’ bodies can become stumbling blocks. That “stumbling block” reason for modesty is actually taking the Bible out of context. If you read the context, you’ll find that there’s a much stronger case for treating girls with respect and not shaming them than there is for telling girls they must cover up so as not to be a temptation to men.
We often shame women just because they’re shaped differently
One girl said that her stepfather told her she’d be a stripper because she had a big chest. Really? (And women, if your new husband speaks this way to your biological children, this is not okay. This is abuse and you must protect your daughter).
I have known so many other women who have said, “I was accused of not being modest even though I wore the exact same T-shirt as other girls in the youth group simply because I filled mine out more.” Just because someone is voluptuous does not mean that they aren’t modest or are deliberately trying to attract attention. When we make it sound like they are, then that’s when women start wearing nothing but baggy T-shirts and start hating their bodies. Don’t shame another woman just because she happens to look great in a sweater. And please don’t shame a teen girl for the same reason!
Make sure your daughters could NEVER say any of this!
As moms, it’s our job to guide our daughters through puberty and to help them develop a healthy respect for their bodies. That means we have to keep the conversations at puberty open and honest and uplifting, rather than focusing on shame.
If you’re not sure how to do that, my daughters and I have created The Whole Story, a unique video-based course for girls aged 10-12 or 13-15 to guide them through puberty, body chances, peer pressure, and understanding sex. My daughters tell your girls “the whole story”, and then lesson plans and discussion questions help you keep those conversations going. It’s fun and it’s relatively painless! Check it out here. (And we have a boys’ version now, too!)
In the meantime, let me know: Did you see yourself in any of these comments? Did you grow up feeling shame about your body? Let’s talk about how we can get over that shame, and stop our daughters from feeling it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Absolutely saw myself in so many of those descriptions. I remember getting mocked by my 4th grade basketball coach for doubling up on sports bras. Well, when you’re a C-cup at 10yo, they just don’t make bras with enough support! Another disappointment was when Victoria’s Secret came out with their Pink line, and all my friends had cute, girly bras. Back then that line only went to a C, and I was at least a DD. I had to shop on the “grown up” side, but because I was a teen I wasn’t allowed to select anything pretty. Just plain white or nude colored, as everything with lace or decoration was too sexy. As an adult, I understand the spirit of what my mom was trying to protect, but at the time I only felt ashamed of my “granny bras.” I could give countless more examples…
Thank you for talking about this. My daughters are only 3 & 4, but realistically this is something we’ll be dealing with in a matter of years! I hope to be sensitive to their hearts while also teaching them that they are shaped exactly how God designed and how and why to dress certain ways without shaming them for that God-given design.
Oh, I never thought about that problem with “granny” bras! When I was younger everyone just had plain nude bras, and it was weird when my girls started wanting patterned ones. But I see now that it wasn’t about being “sexy” but just cute. You never thought a guy was going to see them! But I do think that was a generation thing, in that those who grew up in the 80s just didn’t experience things in the same way.
It is so hard being so big when you’re 10! I’m sorry.
I only wear a B cup even now that I’m breastfeeding, but I remember when I first started needing to wear a bra my mom made a huge deal out of it and would make me layer shirts/buy larger sizes/wear vests/etc to “cover up” so I would be “modest” and it was all very confusing and embarrassing to me at the time. I know she meant well, but I will take a different approach with my daughters someday. Now that I’m married it is very, very hard for me to let my husband enjoy my boobs because I hate the way they’re shaped and I still mostly just feel embarrassed by them like I did back then. Learning to embrace them though!
Yay for learning to embrace them! All the layering of shirts and vests is a big problem, isn’t it? I remember a talk for girls tour came through our town once, and they had a “fashion show” of what was appropriate wear, and everything was layered at least 3 deep! I’m an adult and I don’t wear that. I usually just wear a good t-shirt bra and then a t-shirt! And it’s fine. So why do we make girls wear such layers? I hope we can get away from that.
This is my experience, I had boobs at 11. In my early teens I was regularly told not older men I was jail bait and had a body made for sin. I have extremely bad posture and pain from rounded shoulders from years of trying to hide my breasts. The worst of it was when I developed my dad got weird around me I think he was uncomfortable and I was no longer his little girl. That hurt a lot. I have never read anything that talks about this, and I don’t think I even acknowledged to myself before now how deeply it had affected me. Wow.
Be gentle with yourself, Liz! That’s a difficult realization, but it can be healing when you can acknowledge to yourself how much you were hurt, and just be good to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with how you were made, and I’m sorry you were made to feel that way.
Thank you. I want you to know that being led to this blog is an answer to prayer and God is using it to reveal truth to me about decades old shame and pain linked to sex. It is extremely difficult but I know it will lead to freedom and I want that so badly. Bless you for your ministry. Thank you x
Sheila – Ok so I read that and sadly said to myself that was me. It stirred a bunch of my past for sure. It is the truth that I can not change. There were 2 girls I harassed and grabbed in middle school and one ultimately became my high school girlfriend. She eventually wised up and dumped me shortly after high school. I showed her what qualities not to get on her next boyfriend of choice for sure. I was that boy. When I look back, it was extreme immaturity to say the least. I thought it was funny and so did the kids around me. It wasn’t meant to be shameful it was supposed to be funny. I obviously see today – not so funny. In the post it is mentioned about Parents being the guide and the one story talks about not having a good guide for a parent. My Mom did the best she could do given our situation. I don’t blame my Mom for my behaviors. The bottom line is that I just did not have proper guidance. I was a wild child of sorts who was out of control under the supervision of my Mom. There was just no way for her to keep tabs on everything that went on in my childhood/adolescence. Here is the thing: I absolutely believe in the statement that it is the parents responsibility on both sides boy/girl- to teach love and God and Jesus principles to their children. I couldn’t even fathom my boys doing what I did. I don’t believe it to be in their hearts. Plus if I ever found out they were engaging in such activity oh my gosh would there be holy crap goin on in my house. Reversal of that is if I found out such activity was happening to my daughter….I would be in someones face and we would be working through it immediately to reverse the damage. So the bottom line is that regardless of your situation as a parent it is YOUR responsibility to teach your children. That is hard. Not everyone can do that due to their circumstances. I am walking proof. I just don’t know what else of an answer one can have for this. There are protective systems in place today in our schools and church’s but thats not enough. It has to start and end with the parent. I am sorry for those who have gone through what I did to those girls. I can not change what I did but only change my heart and guide my kids and maybe help others to the right way. I am sorry for those who got abused and given wrong messages growing up. I am grateful that today I am not that person. I am grateful that today I am the parent who is teaching their children about GOD, LOVE AND JESUS principles. Thank You Jesus.
Thanks for being so honest, Phil.
And that’s a great point–we need to teach our kids not to tease the opposite sex. I think girls can be guilty of this, too. But we must teach our boys that teasing girls about their bodies is very harmful and isn’t funny. I don’t think boys instinctively know this. There’s that horrible combination of sexual curiosity and immaturity that hits in middle school that can contribute to regularly nice boys (and nice girls) being very mean and intrusive to those who mature early. The only way to combat it is for parents to address it head on.
Again, thanks for your vulnerability here.
I think this has to do with teaching (and allowing) your kids body autonomy and respect.
If a child grows up knowing with „your body your choice“ where his/her boundaries were protected by the parents (meaning they stopped if you said no when wrestling or tickling for example) then such a child will most likely not go around touching class mates. It is a matter of general respect, not making fun of another person or touching them inappropriately in order to satisfy your own curiosity or whatever…
Then there is the whole aspect how grown ups are talking about people of any shape and size… if we mock or are disgusted of other people’s appearance and express that in front of our kids that sure will not set them up for a healthy body image. Even worse when we directly criticize or make fun about our kids.
Also what‘s up with parents being embarrassed by their kids growing up? It‘s the most natural thing in the world…why is it so hard not to send confusing messages? I am glad my mom was cool about all the puberty stuff… no big deal, no big embarrassment, no shame. I did get teased a lot by my brothers and I don‘t recall ever heaingr that I am beautiful from my parents. But it was one of the things God dealt with in my teen years, so no major damage here.
That’s great, Lydia!
I think one of the biggest mistakes parents often make during puberty is that dads stop hugging their daughters. I don’t know if it’s embarrassment that they’ll be aware that she has breasts or what, but it’s very shaming to go from being hugged and touched all the time by your dad to having your father suddenly treat you like you’re a leper or something (and many men do). The more dads can get over that hesitation and just keep hugging their daughters, the better everyone will be!
As a man, I can verify the damage that can be done. My wife has larger breasts, and I love them. But it has been a source of confusion for her. She developed early and got a lot of teasing, as well as some unwanted touch. Nothing that most people would call severe, but it deeply affected her perception of herself. Once we married and her breasts were able to be appropriately enjoyed by me, she had real problems with that. Now 38 years later, I can tell she is not comfortable with larger breasts, not from a physical standpoint, but because it has been a source of embarrassment and mixed messages in her past.
I’m sorry for your wife! And I just want to pick up on something you said. It’s amazing how things which can seem relatively minor can have such a profound impact. You’re right–it doesn’t have to be severe to cause shame. And that’s why I want people to understand how harmful teasing can be. It really does have long term consequences!
My sister and I, who were DDD’s, had to wear vests at all times, while our other sisters–sizes A, B, and C–could wear a cute tee alone. I was thrilled to be able to give them all away eventually (wearing a good bra and a cami, if needed, really helps). I’ve since been part of frumpy-fighting groups, and they recommend vests. Sorry, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to wear them again. Haha!
As an aside, going from falling out of DDD bras while I was nursing to losing weight postpartum and stopping nursing (I had 3 babies in 2.5 years), my breasts have shrunk and they are so deflated. I am more like an (ugly) C now!! I am incredibly self conscious about them around my husband as I have never even remotely had this problem. I want to gain 10 lbs. just so they plump up again, but I don’t know if that will help at all. Hubby said if they don’t plump up, we can think about a boob job as that *is* important to him. Ug.
oh, dear, LM, it sounds like you’ve had that “your body isn’t good enough” at all ages! I’m so sorry.
And I’m so sorry that you feel so deflated! I’ve never had that problem, to be honest, so I don’t know what to say. I’m currently at the highest weight I’ve ever been, and my chest is actually larger than usual, so I’m feeling great. But I think what large busted women go through is very different from us small busted women!
My breasts change “plumpness” and deflate when I gain/lose weight too. I think that’s just how it goes for us busty girls— boobs are, after all, mostly fat! In regards to a boob job though, I just want to say: go for it if it’s what YOU want! Frankly, your husband is being a jerk. You are more than the sum of your boobs, and if he is prioritizing getting your boobs “plumped” over loving you as the awesome woman-who’s-body-has-nurtured-life that you are, he needs a reality check. Whether you had kids or not, one day the sagginess comes for all of us, whether we’re 21 or 90, and putting your body through an intensive and painful breast implant surgery should not being something that is done to please someone else. If you get a surgery to resolve insecurities regarding your husband, the boobs may get bigger but you’ll still be left with the insecurity of your husband not accepting you as you are. He may not be a bad guy— I totally understand, because my fantastic husband didn’t seem to grasp realistic body expectations for women either until I laid it down for him. Don’t be afraid to stand up for the respect that you AND your body deserve. You have brought 3 lives into this world! Your body is in the image of a life-giving God more now than ever before! Stand for the respect that your body deserves, and THEN if you and your husband are on solid group, you can consider moving forward towards a surgery IF you want it without regrets. Don’t let another person try to take control and ownership of your body. God gave it to YOU— to let anyone else try to control it is a violation.
I wasn’t big busted till after having my first baby. When I got married at 21 I was a cute perky 34B on a good day. After my son was born a year later I was a DD! Everyone said, “Oh they’ll go back!” They never did. I hated it! Any cup size over a C is hard to find in a band size smaller than 36! Then about 3 years ago I had to have a hysterectomy. A side affect no-one told me about is in some cases breast growth. I am now a 34G. I absolutely hate my breasts! I wish I could go back to the DD at this point. I’m only 5’2″ and slender build so I look ridiculous. I have gotten comments about the way I look. One man told me (at church!) That I am his “forbidden fruit”. My husband had some words for him! I want a reduction so bad! I am just miserable. 🙁
Oh, Jamie, that’s so rough! And seriously? Some guy told you you were his “forbidden fruit”? That’s disgusting. I’m glad your husband let him have it. That’s awful. Seriously, stuff like that just makes me so mad. I wish that more men understood how horribly inappropriate and offensive comments like that are.
I’ve known women who have had reductions and were so happy afterwards. Maybe that is a good option for you!
A 32F girl here – herroom.com is my go-to for bras. They have good sale prices and any size you could want.
Wow. I feel so sad for these women. I did develop early and was a B cup by 12, but I never experienced the harrassment that these other ladies have. Going to a small Christian school (like 25 or fewer students small) helped with that, I’m sure. But the lack of bullying or abuse didn’t stop the stares in public or the awkwardness of clothes shopping, so I was self-conscious about them until my late teens. Ironically, that was about the time I started dating the man who is now my husband. His being attracted to me helped my self-esteem a great deal. Although once I was of an appropriate age, my mom, who has a similar body type, taught me how to dress in ways that pointed them out as a good feature distracting from my bigger tummy, in appropriate ways of course. But her comments were always that I could see more than anyone else unless I bent over at the waist, so it came down to my comfort level as to wearing a slightly lower v-neck. 🙂 If I ever have a daughter, I hope to do as well as she did with encouraging both appropriate dress and behavior. Of course, as a stay-at-home mama with a toddler, I now avoid anything remotely low cut just to guarantee that I won’t be embarrassed by an accidental clothing malfunction. Lol.
Your mom sounds awesome! And very matter of fact. That’s how I was with my girls, too, and I do think that that works best. I think when we grow up with a lot of shame, it’s hard to be matter of fact because we just feel so awkward talking about any of this, so we try to hide it. And being forthcoming is a lot better!
I was on the flip side of this, as in my boobs didn’t actually grow until I was an adult. But I remember being teased so often about being flat-chested, that I wore padded bras so the boys would stop teasing me. Add in being sexually abused from childhood to age 11, and it was a really unhealthy combination. I despised my body for the longest time because there was so much shame. It was the worst when I became a teenager, when I had a few family members that made comments about me causing them and other men to stumble, including my cousins! 🤮 Looking back I realize it was completely inappropriate especially from my uncle and male cousin! I didn’t know anything about modest or immodest dress, and no one told me that bra lines shouldn’t be seen. I just didn’t know or understand the concept of modesty at all, and I felt really disgusted that they noticed me because I wasn’t intentionally trying to advertise it. To this day, I am still self-conscious about what I wear around those people. Honestly I am really thankful that I don’t have a daughter that I have to protect from that nonsense, but I fully intend to teach my sons how to be respectful and show the love of Christ no matter what a person chooses to wear. I don’t want them to feel entitled to lust or use a person made in the image of God as an excuse to sin.
I had the opposite problem… I was shaped like a boy (yes… completely,) until I got pregnant. I’m almost six feet so the minuscule amount of curvature I had was pretty much invisible. That was the one great thing about pregnancy – you could finally tell I was female by more than just my hair!
I’m sorry for Jamie, that she grew and didn’t go back – but I hope for nothing more than that myself! I can understand being shamed for hitting puberty early… because I was very late, and got the same flack for the opposite.
I don’t recall exactly when I developed but mine have always been on the large side and my main problem is that I don’t think I was ever wearing a bra that fit me properly until I was about … oh…. maybe 23-24? (Whenever I discovered Lane Bryant, anyway) And I find it very frustrating trying to find shirts that fit appropriately. The neckline has to be high to not show 5 inches of cleavage and not every shirt accommodates my go-to white and black tank tops that I took in the shoulders of, so that they sit above my collarbone even if I lean over to pick up my 3yo. And with the 38DDD chest and the “leftovers” in the tummy region from 4 1/2 pregnancies, no shirt is ever long enough unless I, a woman at the high stature of 5’5, buy *tall* shirts (My 6′ BFF loves that)
My conclusion to the rest is people are dumb and say dumb things and those things should all die in a fire. I’m hopeful that I can guide my 4 girls through puberty well (oldest one is 9 so it’s coming!), with bras that fit properly and a well-dressed college-age girl or two, to take them shopping for me. Though they all get to be teens in the post #metoo era, so that may or may not mitigate some of the buttheads in this area.
Yup, sounds familiar! I developed a large bust pretty quickly during puberty. I was thrilled back then but now its super annoying trying to find a proper fit and style of clothes. Not too mention special bras that are expensive and hard to find. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that they will be boring looking and ultra practical. There are alot of those high-neck flowing tank tops that I was excited about when I first saw them, but on me the fabric skims off my chest making me look like I’ve gained many pounds to my stomach.
I wish my mom had taken me bra shopping alot earlier than she did. I was too shy to ask her and a bit embarassed by my awkward shape until I finally got a bra.
As for comments received…Not long ago a stranger sat down beside me as I waited for my husband to come get me from a store. He seemed like he’d come from a hard walk in life and was an interesting odd sort of fellow. We chatted about whatever. It was an ok conversation until he spoke about how he used to work out and his chest was probably even bigger than mine (then I felt his eyes land directly on my chest and I wished that my modest shirt could do a better job of hiding me at that moment). I didnt know whether to laugh or cry but I definitely tried to casually pick up my phone and text my husband HURRY UP!!! My husband is wonderful and would have approached that guy if I wanted him to but we just left and I dont expect to see that stranger again.
A few guys in high school made comments about the size of my chest to other people and it came back to me. For some reason one really creeped me out while the other one didn’t bother me nearly as much even though the comments were very similar. Perhaps their personalities made a difference in my feelings? After reading your article I’m wondering if I should have been more bothered by the inappropriate comments but maybe I used to have more confidence about my body back then than I do now? Maybe I liked the attention and even while knowing it was inappropriate I still felt flattered? Definitely for me from those three specific guys, how the comment was made or who was saying it decided how much it affected me.
While my husband and I were dating hugs were sooooo awkward. It was something we did speak of and decided together that I wouldn’t have my chest against his body. So I kind of put my arms up in front of my chest when he hugged me. Don’t miss that aspect of dating.
And in our early married years my clothes were a source of contention. My husband made me feel fully confident he found me gorgeous, that was great but he had high expectations I cover well in public. I wanted to be modest, I did. I think our tension came because I felt he didnt sympathize with how difficult it really is to find regular shirts that are flattering while being modest for big chests. Or how frustrating it can be to always be thinking how to bend or sit because a modest shirt can quickly show it all. Then adding layers to hide it all is annoying (and horrible in summer). Swimsuit season brings alot of frustration and sometimes tears but I know I could have it worse so I’ve tried to accept that most (all?) women struggle with some sort of body insecurity, this is mine. Atleast my husband thinks it’s an awesome problem to have and tells me forget about the money, make sure I have bras that fit well and make the struggle easier to deal with.
I’m enjoying not thinking about puberty right now in our home but I will be looking to buy you and your daughter’s books/lessons for when our daughter reaches puberty! I’m sure it will be a God sent help to many 🙂
I began puberty about the same time as all my other friends, but I quickly developed much larger than any of them. I was sheltered and never ashamed of them as some of the poor ladies in your article were, but I was definitely embarrassed by them. I tried to stay in sports bra style too long, and my mom teased me about having a “uni-boob” to get me out of them, which made me self-conscious about my shape. The problem was that my only alternative that even sort of fit, were my moms old 34C bras that I fell out of all the time, and the straps fell down and made all sorts of wardrobe nightmares. (I wasn’t properly sized until my late teens when we discovered I am a 30E which doesn’t even come in the store! Fixed so many clothing issues once I was able to get bras that fit!) I knew I didn’t look quite right up top due to improper undergarments and that when I tried to wear clothes like my friends, it was waaaay more immodest on me than on them. So I just wore mostly baggy shapeless cloths to avoid the hassle. Church camps were also sometimes awkward, as the other girls in the dorm were jealous of my tiny waist and larger bust and would make comments about how “lucky my husband would be one day”.
I have now been married for 4 years and am finally coming to terms with my assets, and dressing less paranoid than I did as a teen. I did have a lady at church once say something as I was bending over taking care of my son, but I let it roll off me because I have put in my time trying to cover every possibility, and I now accept that at my size I just do the best I can and don’t sweat the occassional mishaps.
Lindsey I’m a 30DD also (same size I think!) Getting a proper fit makes so much of a difference in comfort, modesty, clothing malfunctions and appearance! Unfortunately it also put a huge hole in the wallet ahaha. I’m in nursing bras right now but I’ll be out of them soon and I’ve discovered that Aerie (American Eagle lingerie brand) apparently carries extended sizing like ours now. It will be my first stop the day I’m done nursing! That is assuming I go back to the same size…
I had the same coping mechanisms as a teen too – I wore mostly shapeless men’s clothing – it’s painfully difficult to find modest but attractive women’s wear that fits my shape!
I also had comments like you heard at church camp. It’s so unhelpful! Comments like that are no more appropriate and no less hurtful than fat shaming. No one wants to be valued based on how others perceive your body’s sexuality, whether good or bad. I think most women are insecure whether they have the “ideal” body type or not. And if you’re under the so-called “ideal” category, you’re not allowed to complain about your unique problems (finding modest/well-fitting clothing, unwanted attention, etc) because “at least you’re pretty.”
I think if people realized that pretty much everyone has insecurities, and no body type is without its challenges, we would come a long way in creating a world where those insecurities would fade away. God made every body the way he did on purpose. It’s time to respect his handiwork!
Amen! Love it, Anon. And totally agree. Even people who have the so-called “Perfect” body still have issues. We all do. So let’s stop teasing and shaming anybody!
Actually, I have a suggestion for those whose busts are “too big for their body.” (Per standard lingerie, not me!) Hooker stores (as I call them, because they’re geared towards, not because everyone who shops there is one.) They tend to have the “odd” sizes, where your cup is much bigger/smaller than your band. Until I started nursing, that’s where I went. A local one is called Rainbow, but browse your shopping malls and see what you find. Best thing, they’re easy on the wallet – Rainbow has/had them for 2 for $12 – and comfortable! (And pretty! XP)
Yes! I think we are kindred spirits! I hated so much not being able to express frustration with clothes or other body issues, because I would immediately be set upon by other girls and even grown women who basically told me to shut up because I was skinny. If I never again hear another backhanded compliment about being skinny and having a big chest, it will be too soon…
Also thank you so much for the tip about American Eagle! I am also currently in nursing bras, but if I can find a place to get regular bras after this season that aren’t $60 a pop, then I will be one happy girl!
This is such a tricky thing because we are all so vulnerable at that age, and even little things stick out in our memory. I don’t know if my friend remembers this, but this memory haunts me to this day. I was in fifth grade (so 10 or 11) and noticed that a friend was getting breast buds that stood out through her shirt really bad. I subtly pulled her aside and whispered to her that she is probably ready for a bra, trying to make it sound fun and exciting while not drawing anyone else’s attention to us because I genuinely didn’t want to embarrass her! But of course, she was mortified. She threw staples and pieces of paper at me for a week straight after that, and I was devastated. I still feel terrible about it. Ha. I honestly meant well.
But those little things stand out, don’t they? I remember once when I was ovulating (well, I *now* know that I was ovulating) I didn’t know to use a panty liner to absorb the excessive amount of cervical mucous I was discharging. I sat down next to a friend in youth group once, and she loudly announced, “It smells like vagina in here!” That is such a little thing, but I was so ashamed! It took me a long time to realize how useful and helpful cervical mucous is, and I was super grossed out by my own bodily fluids until I learned more about the Fertility Awareness Method after I started having kids!
Two little moments that I still remember as big deals. I don’t know that we can protect our kids from all of these kinds of moments, but I certainly hope to be better about talking about them before they happen!
Kay, those “little things” can be so harmful. As a man, I can’t relate to the breast issue, other than my wife’s experiences I mentioned above. But I can relate to women who were shamed about being flat chested. I was the skinny boy who, eat what I could and try to build muscles, remained the skinny boy all through high school, at a school where the athletes reigned supreme. I was utterly ashamed of my body and it still stings when I remember some of the things that were said and done, and which were excused as youthful teasing. Now, I’m against people who make a life out of being professionally offended by almost anything, but the things said and done by kids to each other (and by adults, as well) can leave scars for a lifetime. If I had had parents who would have stepped in, not to prevent the cruelty but to counteract it by building me up, my life probably would have been very different.
I definitely remember my so called boy “friends” teasing me for being “cardboard with Cheerios” to then accused of stuffing to look like the petite busty girl in eighth grade. Lots of makeup too. I wonder how she managed. I was tricky figuring out how to feel comfortable in leotards during ballet class but I think my teach was kind about T-shirt’s. Thankfully i think my parents did a great job.
I finally got better fitting cute bras as an adult (with money) at VS. I’m narrow as well, 34DD, and don’t like showing cleavage but thankfully I’m finding my own style that’s fun and flattering on my hour glass figure.
My eldest daughter is almost 13 and I found her the best bras for young girls, Yellowberry! Pretty, thick, soft fabrics! Lots of shapes! She definitely doesn’t love this aspect of being a girl (who started her period in the middle of fifth grade) and has for sure heard immature boy comments about other girls clothes etc so she’s sensitive to bench tops etc. she’s also quite tall and gotten a little round about the belly. I’m working on respecting her personal space and giving her what she needs to feel as good as she can.
I love Yellowberry! I think it’s a great brand, and their website is so cute.
I needed special sized bras but had to shove myself into too small of cup sizes so I would come out the top. It was so embarrassing that I’d wear huge shirts and hunch over or wear my winter coat way too long, in Arizona. I hate minimizer bras. I don’t think they should make them. They made me feel like I was a freak and that I needed to hide. I’m a JJ cup now and I can wear pretty bras through a specialty online shop. Spend the extra money and get your busty daughters pretty well-fitted bras.
When I was pregnant with my first child a “helpful” person told me big-breasted women have trouble nursing and I probably wouldn’t be able to feed my baby. That made me hate my boobs even more. Why was I lugging these huge things around if I couldn’t feed my babies?! It wasn’t true. I had more than enough milk.
My niece had a breast-reduction and she’s very happy with the results, but she is very small and they were just too heavy. My sister had promised her she could get surgery when she graduated if they were too big. She is a DD now and she can run without pain. Just do what’s best for your daughter, everyone is different.
While I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for women who experienced the downside of having a bigger chest (my 12 yr old has been in a 34D for months and most of her friends are in training bras or not at all yet), I was comforted seeing the other side represented as well. I hit puberty a few months before I turned 16, have had PCOS (ovarian cysts) and all of the hormonal junk that goes with that, and I’ve never been a full B cup… “half-cup” bras also don’t cover the mismatch issue when you have small and smaller going on. And guess what? I got teased by girls and guys, my dads friends made comments, I was groped at school, and pulled aside for an incredibly inappropriate “well-meaning” conversation (by an elder man in church who I really think thought he was being helpful because something happened to his daughter that he described in detail so… maybe it wouldn’t happen to me? Still, yuck.). There is body-shame felt in every shape, my sweet sisters. I wish we could really figure out how to just remember that and encourage each other despite our outward appearance. Your “better” ideal and my “better” ideal are both directed at bodies designed by a loving creator who doesn’t give us shame. He thinks we are all individually beautiful and custom-built by Him.
I’m on the complete other side of the spectrum here… Being very flat chested was a huge source of shame and embarrassment in my youth and to be honest at 29 I still haven’t made my peace with it entirely. But looking around and feeling like every other girl was getting something I wasn’t made me feel “less than” or “not normal”. And boys certainly tease just as much when you are flat chested… It was brutal.
Yeah, I experienced that a lot as well. I was so happy when padded bras became the norm around 15 years ago! I feel a lot better now. But as someone who was never more than a B cup, even when I was nursing, I hear you.
I have been fortunate that I avoided bullying amd sexual comments, but I grew up with my mother constantly telling me to “pull up my shirt”. It’s a habit now, whenever I am around other people, part of my brain is making sure that my shirt is high enough.
The incident that stands out most though is the time I was travelling to a missions trip. I had picked a really cute outfit with a v-neck. You couldn’t see anything if you looked at me head-on. But apparently the female leader caught sight of cleavage as I was bending down to check something in my bag. She told me to put a cami on. Even now (3 and a half years later), I look at that and think “I was bending down. I have visible cleavage in any shirt lower than my collarbone in that position.”
At 21, I walk that line between being happy with my body, but frustrated by how much attention I have to pay to avoid wardrobe malfunctions, and how much money it costs to get good bras. I’m a 36DD/DDD, and there is 1 store in my (admittedly rather rural) area within an hour’s drive that carries bras that fit me well. And they are all about $40 (on the cheap end). But at least they carry bras that look cute.
I agree with what these other women have said, and I want to encourage you to check out a reddit subreddit called r/abrathatfits. (Creating a reddit account is free and easy, and reddit’s “thing” is anonymity). Abrathatfits is extremely supportive and has tons of information to help you learn about your breasts and your unique bra needs…and helps find and fit checks. Incidentally, many, if not most, women of child bearing years find that their breasts are not as self supportive as they used to be. You are totally normal! Finding a bra that fits can do wonders for your self esteem, and how your clothes fit and all that. I found that subreddit a few years ago, and wow, was there so much to learn! Even about what the cup size letters really mean. I could go on and on, but to you, and every bra wearer, I want to say that you are so much more than your breasts. You are beautiful as you are, you are precious, you are treasured by God, and worth so much more than you know. (and sometimes, finding the right bra can help you feel that)
I had the exact opposite problem. My dad nicknamed me “Little Miss No Butt” and “Buttless Wonder.” Completely inappropriate, I know. I longed for more curves and prayed my boobs would grow. I envied my friends who had more curves. I never want to get too thin again and lose roundness on my body. I still struggle feeling like I’m not curvy enough in the right places to be attractive. It bothers me knowing my husband is a “boob man” and wondering if I’m enough to make him happy.
I hear you, Erin! It’s so sad that no matter what size we are, we always feel not quite right. And it’s very creepy and weird when men make comments on it, as if they have a right to, or as if we can do anything about it anyway. I’m sorry for that.
I was also on the other end of the spectrum – I developed super late, and I’ve always been thin/small chested. I never received teasing about it, which was lovely – but I remember being the ONLY girl without a bra in seventh grade when we started changing for PE 😳. I do think most everybody has to process SOME body image stuff – and I’m grateful for my small size now just because of all the things I can easily do. What I think is different about the smaller chested experience though is that I’ve never been accused of tempting men. No one called me the “forbidden fruit” or put my body into a SINFUL spiritual category – and that messaging is particularly devastating for girls/women. It’s one thing to deal with not liking a particular part of your body. It’s a different thing to have the church/leaders around you suggest that your body is in some way sinful. That’s why I appreciate these posts so much – we need to get this lust messaging right so we can STOP telling girls/women their bodies are evil and blaming them for men’s problems.
I know this is about boobs, which I didn’t have until age 16, but geez, men can be really rude about a girl having LEGS, too. I have long, slender, ballet dancer’s legs, and our male youth leader – who had daughters my age – used to regularly tell me that my skirts and my shorts were too short. The skirts were indeed more mini skirts, but not the “you’re going to see something you shouldn’t” skirts, (and my parents were clearly fine with me wearing them), and the shorts were, well, ordinary elastic-waist cotton shorts from the Target girl’s department. Girls with stubby legs wore much shorter athletic shorts all the time, and I could never figure out why I got picked on all the time for my longer, looser shorts. It wasn’t until my twenties that I finally realized it was kind of creepy that a grown man at church couldn’t stop telling me to cover up my legs…
Yep! Girls who have more mature bodies or who are really tall or big busted do get told that they’re not modest when they actually are. It’s just that clothes don’t fit the same way! And why are these men staring at our bodies anyway?
“Honey, I’d love if you had bigger balls.” Pretty sure he might have a little trouble with that statement, even the thought of it, but it might put a little perspective on things for him.
I feel like the evangelical church has done the WORST job with this. Growing up in purity culture was more insane than I realized at the time but one memory that always sticks out is how our dance team was told to tape our boobs down for our churches Easter production because “we don’t want to distract the men”. I had a costume change that couldn’t have taped boobs for (awkwardly it was an angel costume that was basically lingerie but long) so I had to wear 6 yes 6! Tank tops so I wouldn’t bounce too much. I’m sorry that the laws of motion don’t just cease to exist in a church so men don’t lust, but if a mans at a performance about Jesus dying on the cross and all he can think about is that a woman’s breasts moved because her body moved, that’s his problem. Looking back I’m horrified that I just bought in and it was fine. It totally affects me now 20 years later still!
Oh, Mb, that is just gross! I’m glad that you’re realizing the lies now, though.