Does how we keep our houses affect our marriages?
Short answer: yes. But that doesn’t mean that we all need to have Pinterest-perfect homes that are expertly curated to our personal style. Kathi’s here today with some easy and practical tips for how to start the decluttering journey.
She’s got some great stuff to say. Here’s Kathi!
When I talk to women about what they want to improve in their lives, so many say something along these lines: “I want to focus on my husband this year. And I want to finally get organized. And lose weight!”
OK – so I may not be able to help you with the weight thing. But what if told you that you could improve both your marriage and your home at the same time?
It turns out that the state of our clutter and the state of our marriage could be more closely tied than we ever imagined.
In my book Clutter Free: Quick and Easy Steps to Simplifying Your Space I site a study from researchers at UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives and Families (CELF) that looked at the relationship between thirty-two California families and the thousands of objects in their homes.
To the surprise of no woman reading this, clutter has a profound effect on our mood and self-esteem. CELF’s scientists found a link between high cortisol (stress hormone,) levels in female home owners and a high density of household objects. In other words: “The more stuff, the more stress. #clutterfree”
And we all know, if I’m not happy, that is going to have a profound affect on my marriage- and my husband.
There are some areas of your marriage where it takes two to pull off a big relationship boost – but when it comes to clutter, one person can make a huge difference.
If you are just starting this decluttering journey, let me tell you the two areas to concentrate on right now:
1. The space that you greets you when you come home.
My hope for every couple is that their home is a haven for your marriage. I want you and your man to walk into your house after a long day fighting the battles of the world, and land in a soft place – your home.
But that only works if you don’t have chaos and distraction greeting you as you hit the door.
Wherever your first glimpse of home is at the end of the day, make sure that is rises up to greet you. Remove the junk. Fluff the pillows. Have a diffuser on a timer that goes off ten minutes before you come home. Make home something you look forward to walking into.
2. Your bedroom.
If your home is your haven, I want your bedroom to be your nest. That place that blocks out everything from the world and is all about you and your man. That’s hard to do when you have to unbury your bed every time you want to cuddle up.
If you only have time to declutter a couple of areas, these are the two places you’ll want to concentrate on. (And if your “Mount Fold Me” is on his – our your – favorite chair, make that a priority as well.)
Make it your mission to create a home that is a haven for your marriage. What routines have you found help make your home a haven? Share them in the comments below!
Kathi is a blogger, speaker, and author of 17 books. She inspires thousands of women each year to strip down their expectations and lives and live with real purpose. She and her husband Roger are the parents fo four young adults in San Jose, CA. When she's not dating her husband or hanging out with her puggle Jake, Kathi is speaking at retreats, conferences, and women's events across the US.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Our bedroom is ok, but the entry and kitchen are a dumping ground for a lot of stuff–most of it my husband’s. I want it less cluttered. He’ll even say he wants it less cluttered, but the pattern of dumping continues. It’s a fight when I try to initiate cleaning up stuff and moving it to a more appropriate place. So I just give up and retreat to the bedroom…which sounds romantic until you’re the only one there. I’ve tried explaining that the clutter affects my mental well being and I will be a lot more peaceful if we can get rid of the clutter. He doesn’t argue, but it just doesn’t change.
Give him a drawer. 😊 Once per week, go through the pile together.
I’ve had this issue, and it’s at least partially resolved by having a “dumping zone”. I have a shelf with baskets & drawers for all the stuff that gets dumped by the door – homework basket, library basket, ‘stuff’ basket (sunscreen, paint aprons, etc). The drawers are for my husband’s stuff – car keys, ear phones, wallet – all the things that ended up on the kitchen bench and drove me nuts!!
It’s not perfect, but at least the junk is contained a little.
Hi Sarah! I agree with the advice about a “dumping ground” that gets organized regularly. If it’s possible, could you give your husband a space that he can use as his own and keep however he likes? We set up a home office for my husband in our basement and he’s really enjoyed having his own space to decorate and use as he likes.
Mount Fold Me is just so accurate. I love the clutter because it feels secure to me I think because then I don’t feel guilty for being lazy. Working on it but it’s so hard!
Our home is definitely lived in (toddlers… canning… laundry…) but I do try to keep the clutter down. One thing that has helped me keep our bedroom more free of piles of clothes is a set of over-the-door hooks that I put on our closet door. We both had piles of “worn but not dirty enough for the laundry” clothes and no idea what to do with them until I put that up! And our room is pretty tiny so it looks trashed pretty quickly.
For some odd reason, since we’ve been in this small house, we have been living with clutter. Whenever my husband takes off his clothes, he dumps them on the antique, rocking chair in our living room. No matter how many times I’ve moved them to the bedroom door, he, inevitably, dumps them on the chair again.
One thing is, he’s is a pack rat. He just won’t let me throw out or give away items he isn’t using. I suppose this comes from his not having much when he was a boy and through his young adult days.
I can’t blame it all on him, though. I’ve become non-committal about cleaning up or getting rid of items I don’t need, either. To be honest, I think I’ve picked up on his bad habits.
I want to, especially, get our bedroom de-cluttered. I asked him to help me get this done. He says he will, but he never gets around to it.
How I used to do it was to use 3 boxes. One was for give away. One was for keeps and one was for throwing away stuff.
This method worked out very well for me. But, lately, I just don’t have the energy like I used to so things just don’t get done.
There is a broken air conditioner and electronics in it plus a lot of stuffed animals, and all manner of junk on our dressers as well as piles of clothes, blankets, pillows, etc.
If we did clean it up, I believe we would both sleep much better and wake up feeling more refreshed.
Hi Clarietta – I totally get it! We just moved from a too-small apartment into a house and I’m surprised at how much easier it is to keep the houseclean – because there’s actually a PLACE for all of the things.
As for getting back on track, I’d really recommend Fly Lady. She’s based out of North Carolina and has a really gentle decluttering system she uses. It’s super helpful when developing a plan for keeping the house humming along!
Hi Clairetta and Don, I have been living in the same decent sized apartment for nearly 10 years now and am gradually getting rid of accumulation. I have a lot of sports equipment and am getting rid of the older stuff such as 40 year old skis! What I have realized to do is that if something is bought or received and comes in, something must go! The emotional attachment to items that you referred to is so true and is at the heart of cluttering. Emotional detachment is the key to decluttering. Of course, it helps that I have a car and can get rid of items at will. For those that don’t have personal transportation, curbside donations can be arranged.
This sounds like our house! My husband is simultaneously an emotional hoarder AND driven crazy by clutter. He has two dueling forms of OCD, so he won’t get rid of anything or let me get rid of it, yet it drives him crazy that the house is always a mess, which he seems to think is my fault!😂 He will not seek any type of help or counseling, and he is never home long enough to do anything except add to the mess and complain if I run the robotic vacuum cleaner. Add three small children and stir!😂
Suggestions appreciated!
So true. Clutter affects our moods. I literally have a hard time thinking around clutter or working next to clutter. This can be frustrating, but it does keep things tidy. Before I make dinner, my kitchen needs to be clean.
We recently downsized and have an adorable, SMALL home that was built in 1910. My motto, “Everything has a place.” I made the front entranceway cozy and charming…and my husband has decided the side entrance, is his favorite. Grrr…it enters into the dining room side (the entry, family room and dining room are all right together) and so, I have had to make sure that the table is clear all the time (not easy) and now working on making THAT entrance, a little more cozy! LOL Love this post/article!!!
And then to get the other 8 people in my house to follow along with my organizational implementations….hahaha! I keep dreaming…
My husband keeps a whole range of ‘clutter’ and on top of that brings things from his parent’s home into ours such as paintings, photo frames and vases. We married 21 years ago and have established each room in the house and what hangs on the walls so it really distresses me to see clutter creeping onto various shelves and big pictures waiting to be hung I don’t know where..furthermore, I really dislike the pictures, they are not to my taste at all.
What should I do?
It seems as if your husband feels he can’t get rid of them because they were in his parents’ house? Why don’t you ask him what they mean to him? Or how you can honour his parents in your home? Maybe there’s one place where you can put a display of some of their stuff and honour them visibly? Then you don’t have to keep all of it? Just a thought! Marie Kondo talks about this in her book about tidying up, and it may help you have those conversations.
I’m at the end of my rope. My husband is a hoarder but won’t acknowledge it. Every day another package arrives and he’s so excited to open it – then it’s dumped on the floor of our bedroom. We have a 2 card garage full of tools he’s never used, and likely doesn’t even know he owns, he’s taken over 3 rooms of our basement with old magazines, notes from a job he retired from 15 years ago and all kinds of general “collectibles”. I can’t walk thru any of those rooms. I can’t open the garage without crying. When I bring it up – I’m the bad guy, I’m the bitch, even if I try and do it casually or non-confrontational. I’m about ready to file for divorce or just walk away I’m so depressed about this. My husband sees no issue with his mess.