What do you do if you’ve never really enjoyed sex or never had an orgasm?
I’ve had a lot of women write in frustration in the comments of the blog lately that they’ve given up hope for a good sex life. Sex just doesn’t feel good, no matter how hard they try to “think” their way to enjoying it. I’ve been trying to encourage them, and I’m thinking of some resources I can create to help, but in the meantime a long-time faithful reader (who wants to remain anonymous) shared with me her story. It’s awesome, and I want to share it with you today and tomorrow, because I think many of you will get a lot of encouragement from it!
Here she is:
Last week as I was reading Sheila’s post 10 Ways Real Women Rev Their Sex Drives! I was struck by one of the comments left on the post. What hit me is, that was exactly what I could have written eight months ago about myself:
“It’s hard to feel excited when you get nothing out of it. I am a Christian and eagerly anticipated a wonderful sex life when I got married, having believed what the world portrayed it to be. I am slowly resigning myself to the fact that it was all a lie. It’s wonderful for men, of course…and so easy. But women, apparently, need anatomy books, sex position charts, drawn-out mental and physical preparation, ideal self-esteem, and for the stars to align to have any hope of orgasm during intercourse. I thought God created it to be a bonding, life-giving aspect of marriage. Instead, I’m jealous of my husband’s ability to enjoy it as I wish that I could. I thought it would be fun, frivolous, and stress-relieving. Now it’s just something to check off my mental to-do list to make sure my husband’s needs are met. It has been the biggest disappointment of my life.”
My heart broke for this lady and the other courageous women who have bravely shared their hearts on the post. I had replied with some of the practical things I was trying but I simply made her feel like more of a failure and that was not my intent. She could not see my heart or my journey in those few words. I needed to tell her more, to share my journey with her. To come alongside her and say I understand. I’ve been there and some days I still am. Out of desperation I sent Sheila a message and asked her if I could please share my journey with the women who come to her blog. Sheila graciously said yes.
How Sex was a Lost Cause for Me, too
My story began 28 years ago. The first time together was a mental moment of “wow we are one!” This is intercourse. However at the same time it was physically empty. There were no sparks of amazing feelings physically and I was secretly disappointed. I knew I was becoming aroused because my body showed signs of arousal (lubrication, engorgement, etc) but I simply did not feel anything, no pleasure or climax. I never told my husband. How could I? The rules are you protect his masculinity and you do not ever say no because scripture said (1 Corinthians 7:5) you can not deny him and I was a good Christian wife.
After a couple of years we were given a copy of a well known Christian book on intimacy in marriage. I took some time to read this and thought, if we follow this formula it will work. It took me ages to work up the courage to approach my spouse. His reaction was one of shock and his push back was why do we need to get lessons from some book? Isn’t it supposed to be natural, I don’t need a book?
What followed was twenty plus years of ups and downs for me when it came to enjoying sex
I’d read a book and every single time the message was always the same: “It’s all in your head. You need to choose to like it and it will be good and you’ll enjoy it. The problem is with you because you choose not to…” Same old same old. Every time I would summon the courage to try again. I would spend hours thinking the same mantra to myself. This is good. God made it good. The problem was the words and mantra’s did not line up with the physical reality of my experience.
Our 25th wedding anniversary was approaching and my husband was so excited. All he wanted to do was plan a weekend away just the two of us. It was so hard to be excited because I was filled with dread. A weekend away meant sex. Great sex for him. Satisfaction for him. Pleasure for him. For me I knew it meant trying and trying but nothing for me. I just felt sad, disappointed, disillusioned, frustrated, angry at God, guilty over that anger, broken, and defeated. I knew in my heart I would be the one in tears after he went to sleep at night deeply satisfied. And that is just how it was. I did the sex thing because I love him because he is my mate and I enjoy being close to him even though there was no pleasure physically for me.
Over the next year I just slowly gave up on sex all together.
I began to think, gosh, if we took sex out of our marriage then 85% of our conflict would be resolved. I had spent a quarter of a century trying and nothing had changed. In fact it had just made me depressed, I cried all the time. Why bother? Nothing works. I’m broken. I can’t do this anyway. Why did God do this to me? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t God love me enough to allow me to enjoy this good gift everyone else seems to enjoy?
I became angry and resentful towards my husband (let’s just say I became increasingly difficult to live with). I was both angry and extremely jealous of him. How could he use me like that? How could he keep doing this sex thing to me knowing I got NOTHING out of it! If he truly loved me why doesn’t he do some research and fix it?!! Can’t he see and feel that I’m not participating? Going to bed was stressful because I knew he would want sex and I just did not want to fail again. I did not want to lie there listening to him have ANOTHER orgasm and add another notch to the list of my failures. Most nights I would cry myself to sleep and my poor husband would be just as heart sore. He started checking in on me. Was it better? He tried all sorts of things. He was feeling like a total loser at life because for this woman he loved, he could not satisfy her or make her feel pleasure and orgasm.
Sex became an exam we would both sit after each encounter. Did it work? Was that better? Did I succeed in helping you experience what I have? He began to feel guilty over the pleasure he was experiencing, which in turn created a performance anxiety in him. He started asking if he may touch me. Asking my permission to have sex. That made me feel even more guilty. He tried EVERYTHING he could think of.
Sex for him became an exercise in how little can I touch you to get it on and how quick can I come so that I don’t hurt you. It broke my heart. And his.
One day in the dark he quietly whispered maybe we should buy a vibrator because it might do the trick. He was so desperate. I was was so embarrassed. I told him no way. Was I really so broken that I needed sex with a machine? He suggested that maybe I should try self stimulation and find out what works for me. I tried. Hearing that woman can bring themselves off in a few minutes added to my list of failure. I failed at self stimulation too. I finally pitched a fit and told him he was never to ask me again. I felt like enough of failure without having to sit an exam after each encounter.
How Sex Finally Changed for Us
By now another year had gone by. I was still a failure. The tension in my marriage was growing. I was frustrated. My husband was frustrated and burdened. Our anniversary was coming AGAIN. I was fed up with how I was feeling and the impact it had on my marriage.
I sought out the sex section at our local Christian book store and after some time I selected Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner. I felt encouraged to go to my anniversary with hope. However as I knew it would be, nothing had changed other than I had a better attitude and now I really wanted my husband to read the new book and fix things. In our marriage I’m the reader. He works long, physical days out doors which is not conducive to reading self help books and this added to my rhetoric, …IF he loved me he would make the time to read this book so that magically he could do this with me and fix me so I could like sex. It just didn’t happen. That book was great. It had good information and helped me address some issues in my thinking but it did not resolve the deeper issue in me.
In desperation I remembered years ago reading a blog about sex and so went to see if I could find it. I found Sheila’s blog and saw her book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I secretly bought it on my Kindle and read it over a couple of days. I was STUNNED. I had this sex thing all wrong from the beginning. Sheila confronted so many cultural and church lies about my perception of sex. I started to watch my husband. Did God really intend marriage to be that way? Did my husband really feel that way when we did sex? Could things really change? And if they could I realized the changes needed to begin in me.
Little did I know God had already begun this change earlier in the year. I was at an all time low. I was deeply sad and I wanted to be happy. I came across Switch on Your Brain : The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health by Dr Caroline Leaf. What a fascinating read. Dr Leaf is a neuro scientist who loves God and sharing how science backs up scripture. I learnt that our brains grow new brain cells (neuro genesis) each night when we go to sleep in preparation for what we will think and feel the next day. I learnt that every negative thought is toxic to my brain and my body. I had a LOT of negative thoughts about my body and sex. Dr Leaf gave me practical tools to learn to combat my negative thinking. I started using those tools to address my attitude about sex.
Things started to change. I enjoyed emotional intimacy. I was no longer passive. I actively pursued him. My husband kept on asking me “What has changed?” the only thing that had changed was my understanding of what God did when he made sex. It did not change my physical reality I was still numb everywhere.
My next mission was to find out how to change the physical aspect of sex for me. I was tired of reading about orgasms, just think your way into it, relax and let it happen. I tell you NONE of that was working for me.
To be Continued tomorrow in Practical Steps I’m taking to find Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.
So glad she has agreed to share her story! I thought many of you could relate. Do leave your comments, and let’s talk about it!
[adrotate group=”1″] [adrotate group=”302″]
Not been one to wish away my days but I can’t wait to read tomorrows post!
🙂
Hi Dani
I hope my post tomorrow will bring some encouragement and help.
Blessings
There is an option called the O-shot given by a doctor. It supposedly GREATLY increases pleasure. It might be something to consider if you are struggling and frustrated.
What is the full name of the O shot? That is something I might be interested in trying.
*GASP!* This is me almost 100%! My heart breaks for her because I know exactly what that’s like. I have the same conflict in my marriage. Without sex we would have way less problems. Its a vicious cycle: I cant get aroused >husband feels like a failure>he stops pursuing me > I can’t get aroused. We’ve stopped having sex altogether because it always ends with both of us defeated and in tears. We are both stuck in this state with little hope of getting out of it. What adds even more pain to all of this is that we both want kids too. But sex is so emotionally painful for us that if we try to have kids right now it would destroy us. It’s so hard because all my friends are pregnant.
What she said about trying to think your way to pleasure is true too. I’ve become so consumed with my thoughts…what should I think about now? Telling myself over and over again that sex is good, God made it good. I feel like im only driving myself more crazy over it and feeling more broken and like a failure because it doesn’t work.
I’m looking forward to the next post, maybe it will help.
I really hope it will, Kate! I’m also working on more resources for people struggling like you, because I know there are so many. And while thoughts are important and changing our mindset is important, it’s not the whole story. Sometimes there are strongholds we need to defeat before our body can start experiencing pleasure, but it really is a multi-faceted thing.
Thank you Sheila for caring so much about those of us who have had such a struggle to have the intimacy with our spouse that we so desire! God has blessed my physical and emotional relationship with my husband after so many years of feeling broken and like a failure, I’m finally free!
Oh Sherri {{hugs}}
I’m celebrating with you. I’m so pleased to hear you are free and walking in His design for you.
Hugs. I hope that my journey will help you on your path to healing and wholeness and one day the joy of pregnancy and raising a family. Please know you are not alone.
@ Anonymous Author Thank you soooo much for your posts! I’ve just read the second one and it gives me hope! I still have so many questions I would love to ask you. I dont know if this is allowed…but would it be possible to privately contact you?
Hello Kate
I’m so pleased that sharing my journey has given you hope. Your note brought a smile to my heart 😀 ♥
I would love to hear your questions and I will endevour my best to answer them.
I’m sure that Sheila would appreciate them too as she is gathering information to help woman like us all over the world.
So please do take the time to write and send your communication to Sheila via her Contact page
Yeah, I’ve been so fed up with all of the things that say you can change sex just by how you think about it, too. I can tell myself that God made sex for me to feel good until I’m blue in the face, but since the best I can usually hope for is just pain-free (even that takes all of my concentration and serious physical therapy prep), it feels like lying to myself. And since my husband, who knows how frustrating this whole process has been for me, has gotten into the habit of apologizing after he has an orgasm, it makes me feel.even worse. I’ll be interested to see what she has to say in the next one, since I really have trouble not believing that sex is the worst part of marriage.
Becky, I know how hard a struggle this has been for you! I think of you often. I’m so sorry. I do hope the physiotherapist is eventually able to help. I really do.
Hugs Becky.
I pray my journey (which I’m still on) will be one where we can come and find healing and wholeness together. It is not an easy one and is one with no simple one size fits all solution but I do believe there is a way forward and I pray we will find it together. There is joy and fulfilment to be had even after decades of heartache.
I totally understand this FRUSTRATION! I’m married 15 years……never not once have I had one. I’ve been sad, mad, and everything in between. The notion of your head has to be right, you have to think, not think, just let go, blah blah blah is just one slap in the face after another. Why did God make (most) men have it so easy and wonderful EVERY FREAKING TIME?! Or my husband anyway, and I’m just over here wondering why I feel NOTHING! It’s not about not feeling close or feeling close even at this point. I have had 7 babies all vaginal deliveries. I feel very very little sensation AT ALL. BUT even before I had them I never had an orgasm! I know there’s stuff out there like the vaginal rejuvenation but really can’t go spend 3k on it. I hope to someday do it but by then I’ll be so old and will have missed out on so much. And who’s to say it would even work…….maybe I shouldn’t even add this comment. It’s just I’m so frustrated and defeated. I know there is a happy ending for this lady’s story and I’m very happy for her!
I’m sorry, A. It really shouldn’t be this way. Have you ever been able to feel any pleasure at all sexually, even not through intercourse?
Hugs A
I hear you sister. God was graceous to us in creating our sexual anatomy apart from our reproductive anatomy. My babies were 9 pounds 6 ounces and almost 10 pounds so I hear you about stretching. I was so concerned and like you thought that fulfillment was way out of reach because of birth injury and that surgery may help 🙁
I can however share that I’ve since I’ve been on this journey to healing I’ve learned that there is more to this than I first thought and that your vagina is not the sole source of sexual pleasure. I hope that by sharing my journey we can find hope, healing and sexual fillfulment together.
Birth, especially multiple births really cause trauma to the entire area. I’m a small petite person and my babies have been up to 9.3 pounds and three over 8. I’ve had episiotomys and torn at all 7 births 😭. After each birth over the years I’ve noticed I’ve felt less and less. Throw in breastfeeding for the year after the baby is born and the combination of physical birth trauma and breastfeeding hormones it’s a recipe for …..blah. I’m 36 and we are DONE having babies. Youngest is 7 months, oldest is going on 15. I know my problem is a mixture of a lot of the things you mentioned in the second post. I have been “actively” working on this for a while now but the numbness is driving me insane! When my husband touches me in places I literally can’t feel it. In others I feel very little. The clitoris does have feeling but JUST using that doesn’t work. Anyway, thanks for responding and being brave to share your story. At least I’m not alone.
Oh A raising families is a very trying time. The emotional trauma and lack of sleep, the mental fatigue from daily managing young, middle and teen children all take their toll on us. Be gentle on yourself and acknowledge that you are taxed to your limit at the moment.
Your body is under tremendous strain and changing as you walk towards peri-menopause.
When we are that exhausted it does not matter how much gymnastics our husbands perform we are just too tired to do another thing and our brains are too tired to process stimulation. There is nothing wrong with you it’s simply a season of motherhood. Your body will heal. Automatic healing of bodies is God’s most graceous gift to us.
I would encourage you to see a Naturapath and get some supplements to support your over taxed system. If you are able get some healing essential oils from a qualified Aromatherapist too.
Secondly take some time to discuss opportunities with you spouse on how you can find time each week for some rejuvination of yourself. When you are giving parts of yourself away to someone all day long there is very little left for yourself at the end of the day. Therefore some self care will go a very long way in healing your mind and body so there is something left to use towards sexual fulfillment.
Try schedule a deep relaxing lavendar bath twice a week and add at least some Vit C towards supporting your body and overall health.
Know that this is a small season when you have very young children and teens who need you. It will be gone sooner than you think.
{{{hugs}}}
Thanks for the reply! You are correct about about the needing self care department! I’ve long known that but the babies have kept coming, plus life in general. Maybe one day……again thank you for your honesty and sharing the testimony God gave you.
This is me to the last word. Maybe one day it will be there for me.
Hugs S
I pray that my journey will help you find your way and that together we can encourage each other towards wholeness and the celebration of all that gift of marriage was supposed to be.
This isn’t responding to this post, but where can I find your post you did 2.5-ish years ago about female ejectulation? It had several links to other blogs on the subject as well. I’ve tried searching your blog and Hot, Holy, and Humorous, and can’t find anything. Wanting to pass the info on to my sister. Thank you!!
LM is this the post you are seeking:
http://hotholyhumorous.com/tag/squirting-during-sex/
YES, thank you!!
You’re welcome 🙂
It’s so good to know I’m not the only one! I’ve been married 14 years and can’t tell u how many times I’ve gone to sleep crying. I am very thankful I stumbled upon your website(blog, emails, books, I signed up for everything and plan on purchasing some of your books) as it has been such a relief to hear about Christian women struggling in this area. I look forward to tomorrow ending.
hugs Amy
You are definately not alone. I really wish more would share their journey’s it would have made mine so much less painfull. I thought I was the only woman in the world who failed at sex and was broken. It is one thing to read a statistic that 30 % of woman do not orgasm but not only don’t I orgasm I don’t feel anything at all! That put me in a catogory all of my own. One of brokeness. I felt so isolated.
I pray that together we can find healing and grace and most of all no more tears but rather connection and fulfillment and the pleasure that is God’s gift to us in marriage.
It’s tough being married 30 plus years and having “tons” of sex and getting nothing out of it. It’s depressing trying one thing after another, year after year, only to have your body refuse to turn on. I have sex out of sheer will power alone. It’s a mental feat encompassing mountains of positive thoughts and attitudinal gymnastics of epic proportions. I concentrate on any “good thing” I can get from sex, maybe a smell I like, or the warmth of my husband’s skin, because I don’t experience any sexual pleasure to focus on. I’m the Queen of mental sex.
Next week we go on vacation. We all know what that means. At this point, a True vacation for me would be a week of no sexual exceptions at all!
Looking forward to words of wisdom and enlightenment in tomorrows post.
There is some comfort knowing I’m not the only one.
Hugs Disillusioned
I so understand (I got to a point in my mind of wishing I could just stay home while he and the children go on vacation so that I didn’t have to take part in failed sex and carry that heartache around during a time that is supposed to be a pleasant break).
My husband has a high libido too and it caused a lot of heartache and failure counting for me :'( {I too held that crown of mental sex but sadly it kept falling off (maybe I should say that was a good thing …} it drove me to find answers to my questions. I do hope that sharing my journey here with you will encourage you. I hope that together we can forge ahead and find the healing and goodness of the gift of sex in our marriages.
You definitely are not the only one! I’m sorry this is so difficult for you. I’m doing tons of research right now so that I can create some resources that hopefully will help. Mental stuff matters a lot, but it definitely is not the only thing.
This IS me. 25 years of marriage. Crying myself to sleep. Being manipulated to believe something is wrong with me. Listening to excuses and promises of improvement….always “next time”…..next time has never arrived!
I have a two year plan out of my marriage at this point. My kids will be old enough, I will have enough time to find employment, and I’m gone.
I have let him know, and he’s supposedly “working on it” and going to seek help, but I’m not sure if it’s too late….the harm that has been done all those years of his refusing to address it, to improve things, to at least make an effort….have hurt me more than anything else…I still hope….but I’m not holding my breath, I’ve done everything humanly possible.
Hugs Crystal.
I hear your heart cry. I remember the days where I would think the same thoughts, think of ways to escape the horrible trap I was in.
I loved my husband but I hated the feelings of failure and emptiness.
I longed for him to care enough to fix it for me. I would cry huge tears every-single-day in the shower and beg God to change my spouse and make him care enough to fix this for me. It was so hard. I wanted to leave all the pain and heartache and sex.
I hope that we can connect and I invite you to join me on this journey of fogiveness, breaking free and healing and by taking one step at a time into wholeness and joy.
Oh Ladies I applaud your courage and willingness to come out of the closet of pain and shame. I have cried as I’ve read each and every comment left here today. My heart has literally broken as I can literally feel your pain as I too have walked this road for decades on my own, I have thought each of the thoughts you have shared and felt the pain you have spoken about.
I feel encouraged to know that I am not alone. I hope that we will be able to connect, chat, forgive and heal together. That each and every one of you will find healing from the deep brokeness and heartache we have lived with.
That pain and feeling of brokeness is real. I am here to tell each and every one of you “You are NOT broken” you live in a broken world, which has broken God’s design for you. Each of us has been locked and bound by chains given to us by the people, places, experiences, culture, church and expectations of life. I pray that together we will find the keys to unlock each of these chains and set you free to experience the fullness of what God has created for us.
I have been on this path for eight long months. The first few months were extraordinarily difficult for me, the victories were so tiny and few and far apart. BUT I can PROMISE each one of you if you will take my hand we can and will find your freedom and fulfillment and most of all healing.
I invite you to pray for Sheila as she reseaches and compiles resources for us that God would give her the keys to set us FREE to enjoy the good gift God made when he designed sex and marriage.
THANK YOU FOR THIS! I’m 33, recently married, and feel very much lied to by the church & world about sex. It took a week to actually consummate our marriage because it was so painful for me, and only once with his fingers have I orgasmed. I want sex and enjoy the closeness, but I don’t want to be the only one NOT having fun – and so far he orgasms fine, but when he asked me what I felt during sex, my words were ‘full, slippery’ – basically, NOT pleasure. Looking forward to BOTH of us feeling pleasure!