Sometimes we take ourselves a little bit too seriously.
On Sunday morning, before church, I was perusing the news and drinking my cup of tea when I laughed out loud, spitting the contents of my cup all over my monitor.
The news story came from Britain, and though what I am about to relate to you may not seem to have any relevance to marriage, bear with me, because I’m going to bring it back!
Anyway, Britain had decided to build a big polar research boat, that would travel north and drop its submersible into the water and do lots of serious, research-y stuff. In order to grow public awareness around this endeavour, they decided to solicit the public’s input into what this valiant vessel should be named.
That was the first mistake.
After much public input, it turns out that the name that the public preferred was Boaty McBoatface.
(This nugget of information is what elicited the spitting of my tea.)
The research community was aghast. The scientists were dismayed! How could we let the British public name such a serious vessel doing such serious work Boaty McBoatface?
And so they changed the name. Last weekend the RSS David Attenborough, named after the scientist, was launched.
“This is a serious science ship that required the name of a serious scientist,” Francis said, according to the Guardian. “Its name recognises all the love and esteem the British public holds for Sir David Attenborough.”
(They did, however, bow to public pressure and name the little submersible Boaty McBoatface).
And hence we have our second mistake.
I completely understand wanting to treat this vessel with seriousness. And it was likely the right decision, since we should be trying to fight against the dumbing down of society. But at the same time, I think they missed out on a great opportunity. Think of the publicity if they had kept the name Boaty McBoatface! Every single research finding would be reported, simply because newspapers and blogs would want an excuse to put “Boaty McBoatface” in the headline.
“Boaty McBoatface discovers the North Pole is cold.”
Nothing would be left by the wayside! And the reason is simple: People like to laugh. Laughter brings us together. All day on Sunday, at random intervals, Keith would whisper “Boaty McBoatface” and I’d start giggling hysterically (he really shouldn’t have done that during the sermon).
But, of course, these are serious things, and thus they must be treated like serious things. Right?
So let me ask you a question:
Could you be getting into a negative cycle in your marriage (especially with sex) because you’re just treating things a little too seriously?
When I read C.S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves, I came across this quotation that has always stuck with me:
Banish play and laughter from the marriage bed, and you might let in a false goddess.
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Sex is supposed to be funny! It doesn’t always work perfectly. We make funny faces. Sometimes we squeak!
Here’s what’s interesting, too: you can really only laugh with someone that you can truly be vulnerable with. When you can be your goofy self with someone, then chances are you can relax with that person. You can let your guard down. And, after all, your guard has to come down for sex to feel good! If you’re a woman who has trouble letting go of control in the bedroom, and still feel like you’re almost outside of yourself watching your every move or trying to coordinate your every move, then sex won’t work well.
We can treat sex too seriously in two ways: We can worry too much about it, or we can worship it.
First, we can worry about sex too much.
Last week featured a two-part series written by an anonymous reader who, after 26 years of marriage, finally figured out how to make sex feel good. Much of the problem that she had to overcome was that she had believed such negative things about sex. It began with messages of sexual shame in her childhood, and then messages that made her brain ignore feelings of sexual pleasure because she had to stay in control. Then, when sex didn’t feel good in marriage, all kinds of other negative messages of helplessness and hopelessness and bitterness and resentment came in to play.
It’s easy, natural, and normal to feel those things when sex isn’t working. But I also know that I have been in a negative spiral downward in my sex life for weeks, months, even years when I first got married. And I had nursed all those negative feelings which only made things worse.
When I changed my mindset, though, it only took one or two nights for everything to change. No, sex didn’t necessary feel great right off the bat. But when I stopped nursing the resentment because “sex is important and it’s supposed to feel good!” and started saying, “Okay, let’s just try this and see what happens because I love you, even if this is awkward,” then we found something important again.
We found laughter.
And laughter is what finally unlocked everything for me. I think this comes back to what Lewis was really saying:
We can treat sex far too seriously, and give it a position it doesn’t deserve.
We can make our sexuality the focal point of our life together, putting it in the place of emotional or spiritual intimacy. Then when sex doesn’t work well, it becomes this black hole that sucks everything else in.
One of my central messages on this blog is that sex is a vitally important part of marriage, and we should try to make it as good as we can. We should initiate sex. We should figure out what makes sex feel good for her. We should learn what feels good for him. We should be more adventurous in bed!
And I do believe that.
But we run the danger of making sex so much like work that we forget to just have fun!
What Lewis was getting at is that eros, or sexual love, on its own, without the other kinds of loves, can become empty. It can be something we start to worship for its own sake. But when eros joins with other parts of our relationship, including the friendship and goofy side, then eros takes its rightful place.
Sex doesn’t always need to feel super serious and super grown up. It’s okay to laugh, especially when you’re naked. And it’s okay if sex takes a while to figure out how to get right. It’s okay if it’s just a silly research project you do together (“do you like it when I do this? Whoops, all righty then, we won’t try that again! How about this?”) It’s okay if you stop aiming for a goal and just enjoy being together.
After all, maybe what we all need is a bit of Sexy McSexFace in our marriage.
Do you think we sometimes treat sex too seriously? How can we learn to laugh more? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Hi Shiela. Hope you are well. Laughter is an attitude. I believe it is taught through osmosis. Laughter is contagious. When one person laughs often so do those around us. It just takes one to start the ball rolling. Laughter is my favorite tool for everything. I use laughter when I speak with men I help with sex addiction. It is a very serious topic. Get sober from acting out sexually. CRITICAL. The thing about it is this. How ridiculous we were in our behaviors and our thinking. Recently this guy called me to check in a thought. He lives on a lake and the house next to his is a rental property. Two twenty somethings are renting it this week. They went swimming and he called me to ask me what he should do about that. I told him he should limp over there with his sexy knee brace and make sure his gray hair was combed real well and ask them if he could go swimming with them! Yes how ridiculous are our thoughts! If you can laugh at yourself the shame goes away. He went on to laugh and tell me how screwed up I was. The problem was this…He was thinking the same ridiculous thought less the limp and the gray hair comment before he called me! So many times guys get so wrapped up in being so serious about getting sober they can’t because they are being too serious about it. Grace and I went through a season in our sex lives in the not so distant past where she told me I wasn’t allowed to talk during sex. I was like whaaaaat? Somehow, when this scenario would happen at the end of it I would always laugh. It would piss her off. Why do you always laugh she would ask. BECAUSE SEX IS FUNNY. Look at what we are doing and what we must look like and the noises that come out and then how we wrangle around afterwards to save a mess…….I am laughing just thinking about it! Eventually she came around because I didn’t stop laughing…and she started laughing with me and doing things to make me laugh before I laughed…and that season ended and new one emerged. I could use another round of Flight of The Concords. Grace and I laughed so hard at that for weeks and weeks and now it has a special place in our lives….
Oh, I love the Flight of the Conchords video! (If you all haven’t seen it, you have to watch this).
Funny video but when it’s always”2 minutes and then I’m feeling quite sleepy”… that doesn’t do much of anything for me. 🙁
In the talk my great-uncle pastor gave us during our wedding ceremony, he gave us a list of things that he hopes our marriage includes, including laughter. He listed a few things that should include laughter, and ending with “laughter in your lovemaking.” And my hubby and I immediately turned bright red. 😂 It was good advice, but as a virgin I was a little mortified that he said it in front of 200 of our friends and family members. Ha. Watching the video now is hilarious. You can see us freeze and have a “did he really just say that?” moment and then the blushing gradually takes over.
Still, I think there is definitely a place for silly sex. Where you’re just kind of being goofballs. There is something oddly… pure(?) about it? Like pure joy.
Exactly! That’s how I see it, too.
(Although I can totally picture you turning red at your wedding!)
Sexy McSexface…I am falling off my chair laughing!!!!
Hope Keith doesn’t whisper that during a sermon!! 😉
Great post!!! Keep up the awesome blogs!!!
Thanks, Erma! We really did laugh a lot on Sunday (and the sermon was actually pretty good, too!)
Does anyone remember the landing of NASA’s Curiosity rover on Mars and how the video of the control room getting confirmation that it had landed safely went viral? Does anyone remember the guy with the mohawk with stars buzzed into the sides of his head??? If a scientist who is helping land a billion dollar piece of equipment on a distant planet can not take himself too seriously I think I can do the same. *My husband’s sister spent several years working at JPL for NASA and had some great behind-the-scenes stories about it.
Taking things too seriously can affect parenting too. Our boys recently went through a phase of really intense bickering, all day every day. I grew up with three siblings, I know this can be a very normal part of growing up. But my husband, who grew up as an only child, freaked out! He was so stressed and convinced we were doing something wrong that was making our kids that way. When he confessed how he was feeling to me I tried to keep a straight face but I burst out laughing and said “Honey, you were an only child. You have no basis for this. Trust me when I say this is normal!” He looked kind of stunned for a second and then laughed with me. Then we talked about how to help the kids with their bickering. But the laughter got us there.
Love this, Melissa! Absolutely, we can take parenting too seriously, too. I think the times that were the most stressful with my daughters were when we stopped laughing so much. The more we just had fun together the easier it was to deal with everything else!
(And now I have to go to YouTube to see the NASA guy….)
The Australian public got a good laugh out of that too… so much so that there was a push to name one of the new Sydney Harbour ferries “Ferry McFerryface”! 😂
I love it! I think that’s a great name for a ferry. 🙂
Having been raised in a neo-conservative, religious home, I can safely say that Christianity has been the worst thing that’s ever happened to the “marriage bed.” It treats sex like a sin; a shameful, dirty thing that is okay within certain perimeters and rules, and ONLY if you never ever talk about it.
Sex is glorious. It feels good and it makes you feel so close to your spouse. I can’t believe a woman had been married for THAT LONG before figuring out that sex feels good when you’re doing it right.
The bottom line is, if you’re married, do what you want. Use sex toys. Use costumes and lingerie. Go crazy. Have fun. My husband and I even watch porn occasionally. *GASP* Yes, I read your post about it, and although I agree that for some people it could destroy their marriage, for us it just isn’t the case. It’s taught me things you can’t learn any other way. Not to be gross, but it’s true. It’s a great way to learn how to be sexier for your spouse.
Sex doesn’t have to be serious and weird and awkward. Sometimes my husband and I end up laughing hysterically the whole time and it’s awesome. God has one rule about sex and it pertains to who you’re doing it with, not who’s on top. 🙂
What a joy to read. Couldn’t agree more. Married 35 years and lovin it.