Here’s the scenario: a couple is visiting you this summer at your cottage or at your home. Should you let them share a room if they live together already (or you know they’re sexually active?)
Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and this is a thorny one that I don’t think has an absolute yes or no, so Rebecca and I are just going to discuss it in a video!
Here’s what the reader wants to know about how to host a couple that is living together and they visit–can you have separate rooms?
Reader Question
When I married my husband, we were both older, and he was divorced with kids. Those kids later went on to have children born out of wedlock. We felt strongly that they were wrong in this (to live together before marriage), but by that time they were out of our home and adults and there was little we could do. Both kids later married the parents of the babies and are still married and apparently happy and we love our in-laws. But this was awkward, hospitality-wise when we had them over (we have a lake home they enjoy visiting) as we both (or at least I) felt we should stand by our convictions and not let dating couples share a room in our home – but it only came up once after the babies were born, I think, and I think we did let the young family share a room.It just seemed ridiculous at that point as they were planning to be married. But the PRINCIPLE of it – still bothered me. After all, I had often gone to this lake house when we were dating – with my boyfriend/fiancé (later husband) but was always careful to bring other people and sleep in my own room. And I still have mixed about it, feeling very Pharisaical making a loving, committed (??) couple sleep in separate rooms because of my strong convictions about sex before marriage. Now we have friends who want to visit, in the same situation. They are 60-something, but our house will be full that weekend so they’re staying at the resort next door. I think she knows better than to invite herself with her live-in “boy”friend to share a room at our house. And part of me feels bad about that. What if we DID have room? What do you say? I just want to stand for civilized, Biblical living in a world that is fast becoming a godless world I don’t recognize. Marriage is important. It’s a Big Deal, not just for people but for our civilization.
I totally understand what she’s saying. Marriage IS different from cohabitation, and certainly just from dating. Marriage DOES matter. Marriage should have its privileges.
And we do believe that sex before marriage is wrong, and so letting people share a room seems like you’re endorsing wrong behaviour.
So what do you do? I don’t think there’s a perfect answer to this, so Rebecca and I go back and forth on it here. The main takeaway? In everything, act in such a way to preserve your influence over people. Here we go:
Marriage IS different from cohabitation, and certainly just from dating. Marriage DOES matter. Marriage should have its privileges.
Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:
Again, I do think there’s a difference between kids and peers. And I do think it’s okay to enforce your own standards in your home, especially with those close to you. But there also comes a time when the relationship becomes paramount.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
This is a really hot button topic and I’m sure many of you will disagree, so have at it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I agree with you Sheila. It’s more important to preserve the relationship. I slept with my husband before we married. We didn’t live together at all. Might’ve had a few sleepovers though 😉
I loved the video, btw. I think you and Rebecca or you and Katie or Katie and Rebecca or all 3 of you should do these types of things! Hash out the Q&A of the week in a video. I know you live by Toronto and Katie and Rebecca live in Ottawa…….well, that’s why God invented FaceTime 😉
Thanks, Kelly! We’re hoping to film some this weekend when the girls and I are all speaking together at a convention.
I do think it’s a tough question! And I liked what Becca said about how if they’re not living together already it’s not even an issue. But it is a really tough one in a lot of circumstances. Still not entirely sure, but I think that’s why we just need to pray and ask God for wisdom at the time, because it could even be that different couples call for different reactions!
Glad you liked the video, Kelly! We’re definitely hoping to do more of these kinds of things, and I’m sure they’ll get better the more we do them, too. 🙂
I agree with your conclusions!
One other thing, that wasn’t part of this particular question, is what if you have younger kids at home yourself? We had some extended family couples who lived together, and my kids knew they were not married. In that scenario, I believed it would have sent a confusing message to my own kids to have that couple visit and stay in a single room together. I’m curious about your thoughts on that scenario.
Oh, that’s a really good point! Good one. We had very, very close people in our lives that our kids saw all the time, and I can’t say more than that because this is public. But the kids knew that they lived together already, and the kids knew that while we didn’t think that this was ideal, we also loved them. The kids understood, even at a very young age, that Christians and non-Christians live differently, and that’s okay. Again, though, I’m talking about peers, not young people!
Yeah, as the kid in question, it was never confusing to me because we just talked very matter-of-factly about it all. In general, I’ve found that if parents are willing to be open and just talk about it with their kids, you can clear up a lot of confusion without much of a fuss and without weakening your kids’ faith, too! In fact, showing kids that some people make different choices because they believe different things can actually be a strengthening conversation–it definitely helped me to understand not just WHAT we chose to do differently in our family, but WHY. I think my faith was actually stronger in my teenage years especially because I had seen, discussed, and understood those differences.
Love this perspective! I have started doing this with my 5 year old, because they have questions about everything. We discuss what the Bible says, how are family follows those principles because they’re God honoring, but others choose differently. We’ve had to cover topics of divorce, living together pre marriage and unplanned out of marriage pregnancy within our extended family. I state everything very matter of fact, don’t go too far beyond her understanding and reiterate we choose the Bible. Hard topics then become very short and simple (at this age). So very glad you shared your experience with this style of parenting!
My thought was similar to J. Parker. I remember my parents being very strong on NOT letting unmarried couples sleeping together – they didn’t want to set a bad example by “condoning” such behaviour in front of us 6 kids. I think the influence on your own kids has to be considered. And if allowed, how do you talk to your kids so they understand your beliefs and the message you want them to understand. Otherwise, there is a case for offering separate rooms, but being clear with your friends/family this is your belief, but you still care for them
This one is SO hard! We have definitely struggled with it. The issue I have is the “my home” part. I believe that everything belongs to God, and is on loan to us. I believe He appoints us as stewards, and that anything entrusted to our care should be managed in a way that would make Him comfortable. I can’t be perfect in this but that’s my mindset.
The second issue is that we have small kids in our home, and of course I want to be extremely careful what example we set for them.
When I asked my pastor about this, his response was “I would 100% allow any heroin addict to come stay in my home with my family indefinitely – but they can’t bring their needles.” His point was that we should never refuse hospitality, but that people who can’t respect the boundaries of our home and choose not to come because of those boundaries probably shouldn’t be there anyway.
I think saying Jesus “hung out” with sinners might be a little too casual a phrase. Jesus absolutely had relationships with sinners – but He went to them, and generally He confronted sin when He found it. He also relied on God to alert Him to sinners who were ready to hear Him – meanwhile He said not a word to Herod. I just don’t know that I can imagine Jesus inviting the woman at the well and her current fling home to spend the night together in His house…
Still, situations come up where I am just not 100% sure what to do. I don’t want to judge people and I want very much to plant seeds for non-Christians. I have two sisters and a nephew who are all in this situation, and now the nephew and girlfriend have a baby. If they get married the girlfriend will lose insurance through her parents and our nephew can’t replace it right now. Telling them to not share a room seems kind of ridiculous at this point, but if Jesus walked in and found all these couples in the home He gave us – how would He respond?
But what about all the other sins? If we are going to set an expectation that no sin can ever occur in our home, we will not be able to have relationships of any kind – in fact we’ll have to move out ourselves!
I think Sheila’s answer – that there may not be one answer- is likely best. That maybe for each instance we should pray and seek God’s will and accept that it might be different each time we ask. After all, if I hold the “never in my house” ground holistically I’d have to turn King David himself away.
Sarah, you sound like me! I keep going back and forth, too. I think it really does come down to the situation. I’m not sure there are blanket rules. And I also think it’s interesting how Jesus took very different approaches with different people. Maybe we are to, as well!
I do mourn the fact that marriage in our society has lost its privileges, though…
Me too. It’d be great if this was a once in while issue. But then I go back again – has marriage lost its privileges because we’ve allowed it? Technically, no one is entitled to visit my home – aren’t visiting and sharing beds privileges that I allow?
But it’s just so prevalent that I worry the only thing setting boundaries will do is end relationships, like you said. But if Christian boundaries end relationships, should we be having those relationships anyway?
I have never lived with anyone, but I was not a virgin on my wedding day either. When I was in a nine-year dating relationship with my now-husband, we definitely had relatives and grandparents who asked us to to sleep separately when we visited and it honestly didn’t offend me because I also knew and loved them – wasn’t a huge shock or inconvenience.
When I look back on those times though, I do sometimes wonder about the adults in our lives who allowed us to share a room, especially adults who were in influencer positions. I definitely regret the choices I made before marriage and I can see the awful fruit they created. I am the only person accountable for my choices, but for those adults who condoned I can only think they either didn’t believe what they claimed to believe, or they didn’t think our relationship was worth one difficult conversation, or they just didn’t think I was worth protecting.
But those are my feelings tempered with a healthy dose of hindsight. It’s just hard. Love should have boundaries and confrontation, but also grace.
Yep, definitely back and forth.
Thank you so much for tackling this one so I don’t feel like some lukewarm Christian who isn’t on the same page with everyone else!
I think what you said right there is why I WOULD draw a line at whether or not they’re living together already–if someone isn’t living together, but are sleeping together, there isn’t that clear definition of the relationship yet. And I think it’s appropriate (and important) to have a separate rooms policy in those situations because (like I said in the video) if they aren’t living together and don’t sleep in the same bed every night when they’re NOT visiting, why do they need to be in the same bed when they ARE visiting?
If someone’s just dating and you offer them the same room, it is almost an invitation to go to the next stage of the relationship physically with their blessing. But when a couple has already moved in together, is in a common-law relationship, they have decided to do that regardless of whether or not others approve (because they’re already decided to do so publicly by moving in together). I don’t know, I just think that’s an important distinction to make for just the reasons you were stating above.
It really is a hard question.
Excellent points here Sarah. Thanks you for providing good for thought.
It seems to me that if someone invited me over and wouldn’t welcome me share a room with my partner, that’s not a place I would want to stay at in the first place.
Thank you for stating that Ash. I know a lot of people feel like you do. I understand not agreeing to stay somewhere where you can’t share a room with your partner, and that is a totally acceptable and respectful response. Would you consider this type of boundary a relationship ender though? Or would you just figure “overnights” are not something you can do with that friend? Would it make any difference to you if there were kids in the home?
Hello. I have this issue coming up at Thanksgiving this year. Every year for the past 6 years, we’ve had Thanksgiving at our house. Not only the Thanksgiving dinner, but the entire weekend. My whole family lives in San Diego, I live in Los Angeles. We have a large house, and can accommodate my entire family. My brothers and sisters are either married or single, so this issue was never an issue. However, this year is different. One of my brothers might ask to bring his girlfriend. Also, our family friend of 20 years is now wanting to bring her new boyfriend and his 2 young kids. Because she is a believer, I have already discussed with her that we want to set a good example for our 2 teenage boys, that premarital sex is not ok. I told her that we would love to have her boyfriend and kids come, but I would like for her to stay in a separate room, or I can recommend hotels in the area. She seemed very understanding at the time. But now she is saying that they might just come for the day. Also, I’m not sure if I should be proactive with my brother and let them know my feelings, or wait until he tells me that he’s inviting her. Like I said, my husband and I are not on the same page. He thinks it would be fine if they slept on the couches in the living room together. That’s not ok with me, because it wouldn’t be ok for my sons and their girlfriends to do the same. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Stephanie,
It sounds like your friend has already sorted the situation out–they’re willing to just come for the day, which is a totally fair compromise. For your brother, I guess it just depends on what kind of relationship you have with him. I think whatever the situation, I’d speak to him early, so that it doesn’t all blow up right before Thanksgiving. Just say, “We’d love to have your girlfriend and get to know her better! So excited you’ve found someone. However, we do have a rule that only married people share bedrooms in our house. I know it’s an inconvenience for you, but I figured it’s just for the weekend, so it shouldn’t be a problem,” or something like that?
My house my choose. Exactly. Anyone should understand and accept a homeowners choices whether or not they agree. 😇
My parents found themselves in this exact situation recently. They let the couple stay in the room together, but my mom loaded the room with bridal magazines.
That’s hilarious. 🙂
I think you guys hit the nail on the head–it’s about loving them as Jesus loved! He never approved of anyone’s sin. In fact, He told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more–but her sins were forgiven and not dwelt on. Even with the woman at the well He just had a conversation and SHE was the one who knew she was doing something wrong (without him pointing out anything as *sin* explicitly. They knew what He believed and taught, and the Spirit did the work in their lives.
If you’re going to separate a couple in your home, I think it might even be wise to discuss that with them prior to their stay, especially if you have young kids. “Hey, I know ya’ll live together, but we’re teaching our kids that living together is a perk of marriage, and they know you’re not married, so if you’d like to stay with us we’d love to have you but will put you up in different rooms.” Or something like that. But kids are smart–if an unmarried couple has kids of their own, it will most likely be obvious to your kids that they’ve been sleeping together….
It’s probably wise to evaluate each circumstance, pray about it, and make a decision that way. We know that sleeping together outside of marriage displeases God, but beyond that I think is where discernment comes in.
I haven’t been in this situation personally yet, but I feel like I would graciously say you’re visiting my home, and our house rule is that you don’t share a bedroom with someone you’re not married too. Regardless of the couple’s status or activity level. I don’t want to promote sin, and while I’m not responsible for the decisions others make, even in my own house, I am allowed to make the distinction with kindness and love between married and unmarried. Again, I haven’t been in this situation yet, but one lady I really respect has been in this spot repeatedly. She and her husband were not saved before marriage, nor did they act saved, if you know what I mean. Once they came to Christ she was passionate about lovingly pointing to God’s way of doing things. Not all of her children chose to do things God’s way, and she and her husband showed such grace and strength in loving their children and still not allowing them a free pass on Family convictions. I’ve seen it done, and I pray when I’m in a similar situation, I can extend God’s grace and still remain firm simultaneously.
I’m going to have to disagree on this one.
If my 80 year old grandma came over with her boyfriend they would not be in the same room, even though they live together. They’d both be welcome, just not in the same room. Same with my 30 year old friend and her boyfriend that she’s been living with for 5 years.
We also have a no alcohol/no smoking rule. Just because I know people drink and smoke and that’s their norm does not mean I’m going to allow it in my home.
Some of my family members are married, but polyamorous. There’s no way I’d allow them to stay in the same room with their extra boyfriends/girlfriends, just because they’ve lived together for years.
If for some reason I was visiting somebody and they gave my husband and I separate rooms I would think it’s super weird but would graciously accept their house rules. If they told me I wasn’t allowed to eat meat in their home for any reason, I’d follow that. If I didn’t agree with it, I would just stay elsewhere.
Really good discussion here! I think you both brought up good points to consider: are they already living together, and are they kids vs. peers? I think another thing I would consider personally is whether they claim/have claimed to be Christians or not. If they say they are Christians or have a Christian past, it seems to me that I could politely offer them separate rooms for the few nights they would be at my house.
Yeah I think in general I would always offer different rooms because what’s the harm in offering? 🙂 But it really is a tricky situation, eh?
I strongly feel that it really isn’t a big enough issue to ever place strain on the relationship between you and the guests, especially if they’re family or close friends. I understand having boundaries in your home for your own safety and comfort, but its hard for me, personally to understand why this would bother the host so much that they would confront the guests. But I also wonder if this issue is one that is viewed differently by different generations?
My mother-in-law makes it a strong point to not let her sons sleep with their girlfriends in the same room. Before my husband and I were married we were not living together anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. But I found it odd that she made it a big deal when she is in her third marriage..I understand people can divorce for biblical reasons, and even if you didn’t, the past is in the past so not trying to heap judgement on anyone! My point is that divorce is such a common thing in my parent’s generation and it is this age group that is very bothered by letting unwed couple stay together, so sometimes it comes off as very judgement to people my age, even if the hosts don’t intent it to. I hope my rambley thoughts make sense.
That’s a question I have, too, Madeline–about the generational differences. Which is also why we thought that both my mom and I should do the video. 🙂
I think that millennials in particular aren’t all that bothered about it, and I think you hit on the reason why in the second part of your answer. Since so many people in my generation have experienced divorce or multiple divorces, I think many are slower to get into marriage. And if you’re not a Christian, frankly, I understand the hesitation. So if you don’t believe in God, why would I fault you for not wanting to get married when you’ve experienced so much damaged marriage in your past?
But I also think that millennials are much more likely to think, “If they’re living together or sleeping together already and everyone knows it, why would it matter if they sleep in the same bed in my home?” It almost feels disingenuous to make them pretend something else just while they’re at your home, and can seem really inauthentic to millennials. It feels like appearances are more important than what is true. Emphasis on “feels”–I don’t think it IS inauthentic, I just think that’s how it can be seen by a generation whose biggest passion is being truthful and transparent. I hope that makes sense.
Rebecca, that does make sense and I think your thoughts on millenials’ attitudes is right.
I also want to add that I love that you pointed out in the video, that when you insist on guests being in separate rooms, when you know they live together, what you’re doing is communicating that you disapprove of their relationship. Obviously, some people will decide that this is a big enough deal to them to still insist, but its so important to spend a moment thinking about it from their perspective before making a decision.
I wonder how many people who commented here actually considered how Father God feels about fornication and how He will eventually punish those offenders? People in this world would have a godly person let open sin into their home instead of obeying His Commandments and Moral Laws. They don’t seem to care about anything but themselves. Some complain about ‘Christians shoving religion down their throats’ but do not stop to consider they do the same thing by insisting that everyone bow to their hurtful pride. I am going through something of a situation such as this and my answer to this question is this: “ Not till you are married.” If they have a problem with my decision, they can stay at a hotel or not come by. I love my family, but Father God is the center of my universe. (Sorry. I didn’t want to keep scrolling down the page so I just posted it here.)
There was one occasion when my husband and I were engaged when we went with his parents and brother to move him into his (soon to be our) new house. My husband is in the military to give a little context to the story. He and I only saw each other about every 2 or 3 months while we were dating and engaged. We were luckier than some but it was still rough. It was a bit of a long drive so we stayed the night there before driving back the next morning (my fiance was obviously staying there). My mother-in-law quickly implied that my fiance (now husband) and his brother would share a room. His brother decided to sleep downstairs on the couch so I decided to share the room with my fiance. It had 2 twin beds in it by the way. I’ll never forget the look on my mother-in-law’s face when I said I was going to do this. I could tell she didn’t approve and that honestly hurt my feelings. I knew her pretty well at that point and had even told her before that I was still a virgin and was saving sex for marriage. So I was pretty hurt and annoyed by that. Especially since I was leaving my fiance behind the next day for another long stretch of time. I just wanted to be close to him and have more time to talk and laugh with him alone. And yes, we kissed and held each other a bit in the same bed that night before we went to sleep in our own separate beds. But that’s all we wanted to do. Just have that opportunity to be close before we had to be far away again. And it was the lack of understanding of our particular situation that bothered me as well as failing to look past the situation and consider the PEOPLE in the situation. So I do think people need to consider a situation and the people in it before they jump to calling the act of simply sharing a room before marriage sinful.
We were also 25 at the time. So old enough that I feel we should have been treated like adults who could make our own decisions about sleeping arrangements in the house we would be sharing as a married couple in less than six months. And I would NOT have shared that room with him that night if there had only been one bed in there. I feel like that would have been very tacky on my part. But there were two separate beds. And I think I even emphasized that when she looked at me the way she did. “There are two beds in there.”
I am thrilled to have those days behind me. And for the record, I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law and love her very much. I just wish she had had a little more faith in me in that situation.
And having said all that and living through our particular situation, I do think there are reasons other than being sexually active that a couple would want to be able to share a room while dating and engaged. If you don’t see each other very often to begin with, getting the chance to talk and just be alone for a while means the world to you. And if you’re in a situation where you’re busy visiting and hanging out with other people in the same house, you’re not going to get very many chances like that. It would almost seem more suspicious “sneaking” back and forth between each other’s rooms than it would if you would just give the couple a room with two beds to begin with (if that is possible). I do think age, maturity, and just the overall vibe the couple gives off should be considered too. Two teenagers with raging hormones? Probably NEVER a good idea. Two twenty-somethings who are engaged and have good heads on their shoulders and Christ in their hearts? I don’t see anything wrong or immoral with setting them up in the same room with separate beds if they hardly get to see each other to begin with. Couples who see each other all the time, I really don’t see why they should be bothered by being separated. Just my two cents.
Love your perspective, Samantha. And good point about thinking about all the different factors that go into it and having some faith in your kids/future kids-in-law!
When my son and his live in girlfriend visit they are given separate rooms. And when I go to visit them I refuse to stay with them. My way of showing that I do not condone their arrangement.
The most important line for me in the video was, “We can’t expect people who are not Christians to act like Christians.” I truly wonder whether most of us as believers are looking for people to come to Christ or just act as though they had. Forcing people to change their behavior for a night is not going to have any positive spiritual impact on them long-term.
So I come down pretty much exactly where you ladies do. I would pretty much always offer, at least as an option, two rooms. It’s entirely possible that the couple are themselves uncomfortable and wouldn’t mind defusing the tension. In a parental situation, or in a situation where you know there is sex but the couple is not living together, I think it’s okay to insist on the two rooms–I mean, if the couple in that situation are pushing to be in one room, it’s kind of a matter of shoving your nose in it. It’s being rude to the host.
But if it’s more of a peer situation (and children grow up to be peers) and there is a longstanding relationship, then forcing an awkward separation seems pointless. It’s basically making a point that you feel squicky because you’re assuming that they will be having sex in your house, when in that situation, they more than likely won’t. If they did, it would be on them, not on you, especially if you politely offered an alternative.
But the truth is, people who need Jesus need Jesus. One more or fewer act of fornication doesn’t really change that fact at all. We need to stop trying to control other people’s behavior. If they come to forgiveness in Jesus, an entire lifetime of sin is washed away. If they don’t, then one night more or less when they happened to be staying with you isn’t going to make a difference.
Well said, Keith! That’s really what I was thinking, too. And I think you’re right about defusing the situation as well. Many couples might actually prefer two rooms because they know how you feel and they don’t want awkwardness, either.
Here’s a perspective from another angle that speaks to relationship… my sister and her partner were living together in their own home for a few years before they became engaged and later married. During a family crisis we all had to congregate in the town where my first sister lived. My other sister and her husband (who reside more than 20 hours away) refused to stay at my first sister’s home with their young children because they were afraid it would confuse them and condone their choice to live together before marriage. Instead they chose to stay in a hotel. To say my sister and brother in law were upset is an understatement. That choice (now 10 years ago) has had ongoing implications in their relationship and consequently one of the reasons my sister and brother in law are very negative about church and Christians. My mother and father (who was a pastor) both stayed with my sister, as did I. My parents response was that they didn’t need to preach at my sister – she already knew what they believed. I definitely lean on the side of preserving relationship!
That’s really interesting, Michelle! Thank you for sharing that story. And I hope that your two sisters can reconcile sometime.
I have a sibling that is living with his gf, and my mom’s way of handling it is always setting them up for the night in a public room like the living room or den. You don’t get a bedroom together with a door to shut until you’re married. That way they can stay up, talking and laughing together, but they don’t get the rights to full privacy (or sleeping in when all the grandkids are there too!) until marriage.
I love this idea! I think your mother is a wise woman for handling it that way.
That is too funny. That is totally something I would have done. I love it!
A bit disappointed that no one is backing up their convictions with the Word of God, which is to be exalted above our feelings and opinions. We need to pay attention to what Sarah O. said: “I am the only person accountable for my choices, but for those adults who condoned I can only think they either didn’t believe what they claimed to believe, or they didn’t think our relationship was worth one difficult conversation, or they just didn’t think I was worth protecting.”
I dealt with this issue before and caved in allowing the behavior. A few years later, my brother brought his girlfriend without his divorce papers even being issued to a family gathering at my parents’ house , the plan being for them to share a bed in the living room (which doesn’t make it more palatable). It caused quite a stir in my spirit and I chose to speak up (and not just because of the presence of children making it urgent). My brother-in-law knelt beside where I was seated and asked me why did I allow him and my sister to sleep together in my house years before. I replied tenderly, “It’s hard to take a stand against your family.”
I don’t think whether you are dealing with believers or unbelievers matters. Sin is sin. Let’s not make a bed for it.
The truth of God’s Word tells us not to keep company with fornicators (1 Cor 5:11), and to abstain from the appearance of ALL evil (1 Thes 5:22). That’s pretty transparent. For all generations. Let’s keep the marriage bed undefiled (Heb 13:4). Believers, we are in a battle. And I say this with utmost love, take a stand at least on something as clear as this.
I think that what you are saying has merit–and I think that there is a boundary here that is different than the “they’ve been cohabiting for 12 years and have 3 children together” question.
But I do think it’s important to note that the verses you were quoting don’t always apply in this scenario. In Corinthians, Paul is saying how we are to act with other BELIEVERS. So if someone says “I’m a Christian” but then is sexually immoral, we need to confront them and if they are being unrepentant and continue to live in sin without trying to change, we need to start creating boundaries. But that verse and that whole chapter, in fact, is not about unbelievers at all. So if we have a family member who is living with a girlfriend/boyfriend but isn’t a Christian, we can’t use that passage to say how we should act towards them. This is a common misconception among Christianity that leads to a lot of us treating non-Christians in an unfair way.
When it comes to what Scripture says, I want to add what I posted on the Facebook thread about this:
There seems to be a strain of thought that we can’t allow people to do immoral things around us or else we’re bad Christians and setting a bad example.
But that’s not what Jesus actually says we should do when confronted with sin. He says “But I tell you not to resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also; And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” Matthew 5:39-40.
This was said about retaliation, to be fair, but I do think that it can show us this truth: when people around us act immorally, we are to show them kindness even when they are doing things we disagree with. It doesn’t say “take him to court yourself and make sure he doesn’t do this horrible thing,” Jesus instead orders us to show kindness EVEN WHILE the person is acting in a way we know is wrong.
So when it comes to people sleeping in the same bed, I just think that Jesus’ response wouldn’t necessarily be to try to force them to pretend like they’re not in the habit of sleeping together. I think he’d definitely talk about what the better way to live is, but I think we’re supposed to show people what it means to be Christians by living a righteous life and loving people even when they do things that make us sad. It isn’t by forcing them to live by our standards.
We can take a stand without controlling others’ behaviour.
Maybe I should have started with 1 Cor 5:9. Read the next verse. Paul most certainly is addressing how to act with UNBELIEVERS who are fornicators. In verse 11 he calls out believers to separate from believers committing this immoral act.
I say this with all kindness, but you are condoning sin. You most certainly have the approval to take people to court to make them stop bad behavior. You most certainly can take a stand and control/change someone’s behavior, or in the least, in hopes of it. This blog supports that. In some situations, it may mean incarceration and temporarily change it. I’m afraid our kindness is going to aid people’s trip to Hell or a loss of reward in Heaven. Paul would not have permitted this. He taught separation (2 Cor 6:14-18) and church discipline. He was bold enough to ask us to follow his example (1 Cor 11:1). Can we say that?
We need to take a stand against our own controlling pride that wants mans’ empty praise and approval.
Again, it doesn’t matter what we think. Check it against the standard of the Word of God. God exalts His Word even above His name (Psalm 138:2). Those that name the name of Christ are to separate from iniquity (2 Tim 2:19).
You’ve got a pretty good thing going on this blog and I recommend it, but please except my challenge to rethink this and go to the Scriptures.
Much, much love.
Oops! *accept my challenge
( I hate putting things in print. You check and recheck and still don’t get it right :). I’m sure someone can relate.)
Hi Mrs. R.! Actually, if you look at 1 Corinthians 5, it really is addressing issues within the church. You can tell the conclusion that Paul is making in the very last verses of the chapter:
9 I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.
12 What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? 13 God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked person from among you.”
So Paul is saying–your job is to judge those inside the church, not outside. The whole chapter is about dealing with sexual sin within the church, and how you aren’t to associate with sexually immoral people.
Now, one reading is that we shouldn’t associate with any sexually immoral people at all. But I don’t believe that Paul means that, because he deliberately went and witnessed to them, as did Jesus! If you are going to take this to mean that we are never to be with sexually immoral people, then that doesn’t just mean they should sleep in separate beds. It means they shouldn’t be in your house at all and you shouldn’t talk to them.
I don’t think that this is at all the interpretation that makes sense in this chapter, especially considering that Paul ends that chapter by saying that we aren’t to judge those outside the church; we should only judge those inside the church. It isn’t our job to be the moral police for those outside the church. Those are the lost, and those are the ones that we should be trying to reach, not trying to push away. Once they claim Christ, though, it’s a different ballgame, because we should be expecting them to act properly.
Sexually immoral people within the church would have been church disciplined so they would be outside the church joining those sexually immoral people he referred to in verse 10. Paul wouldn’t approve of offering a bed to either fornicators. You are making a provision for sin.
One more thought.
It appears you both already had your minds made up on this. I thought you sincerely wanted clarity. I don’t normally reply to blogs for obvious reasons.
Consider this scenario, since you are looking for loopholes to condone this, and other scenarios have been given. Besides Ephesians 5:11 ( have no fellowship with the works of darkness, but reprove them) and all above Scripture I have shared with you, consider this. And this is ugly and dark, and I don’t want to go here, but may be the Lord is in it. You offer these “sexually immoral people” (saved or lost) to bed down in your house. They conceive a child in your bed in your home. They have no hesitation to abort it, perhaps. You are working hand in hand with Satan, making provision for sin. What’s worse/darker? The fornication? The abortion? The namby-pamby believer who didn’t want to be a “moral police”?
Just a practical consideration, but I can’t think of anything that makes me feel less frisky than staying with my parents or my in-laws. I really doubt that all of these unmarried couples are eager to jump into mom’s or grandma’s or auntie’s guest room bed just to have sex. I’d be shocked if anything more risque than helping each other into jammies happens in these situations!
In that vein, perhaps decorate your guest room with some nice framed scriptures on the walls?
Or huge pictures of mom and dad! 🙂 Or Grandma and Grandpa! 🙂 Or you and your siblings when you were toddlers…. 🙂
Baby pictures of all the kids in the family! That would definitely do the trick!
It reminds me of traveling in South America and Every room we stayed in having a picture of Jesus over the bed—my husband and I could not stop laughing about this 😆
In the past, we’ve asked family members and friends who visited with their significant others to not stay in the same room. We let them know upfront. And honestly, I don’t know if that’s the right way to have handled it. But, we don’t have a choice now, because our house is so small. If we want these family members or friends to visit us, we have to have space for them and their significant other. So, they do share a room. Now I think it’s better to have that conversation with our kids to just say, we don’t think it’s the right thing to do, but this is the choice they have made. People are always going to do things around our kids that we don’t like. At the end of the day, all we can do is share what we believe is right and let them draw their own conclusions.