Does your daughter know how to recognize a “good guy”?
Last week I shared my thoughts about that viral post “Men Prefer Debt Free Virgins without Tattoos“. One of the points I was making is that, ultimately, rules don’t tell you a thing about how someone will actually act in marriage. It all boils down to this: Do they really know Jesus? Do they really have good character?
I know a lot of people who could have ticked all the right boxes (was a virgin; went to church; went to a Christian college; didn’t swear) who were actually abusive, selfish, or lazy.
But character is a little bit harder to discern than simply whether or not someone follows the rules. So I asked on Facebook and Twitter for some advice on how you can tell whether or not someone has good character. And I thought I’d share ten of the responses today for Top 10 Tuesday!
How would you advise your teenage daughter to recognize a "good guy"? Not necessarily as a boyfriend, but as a friend? What should be the best signals?
Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Tuesday, July 10, 2018
You can know a guy is a “good guy” if:
1. He’s your friend
Always become friends first. That’s what my two girls do and have had a few really nice gentlemen in their lives.
2. He treats his mom/sisters well
How does he treat his mom or sisters? Other friends? Does he show manners and courteous behavior? Does he get caught up in gossip or locker room talk? Is he known as responsible or trustworthy? Is he the kind of guy you’d be ok with dating your bff/sister?
I like the question about whether you’d be okay with him dating your BFF! So often we can see flaws in our friends’ guys that we would actually tolerate in our own guys. That’s so wrong!
3. He treats kids well
How does he treat kids, and how do they respond to him? Children can be very intuitive when judging character. Also gives her an idea of what he will be like as a father if she wants to have children.
4. He’s the same around adults as he is around you
Jacob Denhollander (Rachael Denhollander’s husband) contributed this one:
Ask: is he the same person around adults as he is around his peers? People who “switch on” good behavior not because they believe it, but in order to manipulate, are very dangerous.
5. He serves in church, he doesn’t just go to church
Beware of guys who go to church to please you. Look for one who is faithful and SERVES. Listen to the way he speaks about his parents and yours when they’re not around. If he doesn’t respect the boundaries his parents and your parents set, he won’t respect yours.
6. He respects your ‘No’.
Yep! In fact someone even suggested saying no a few times to things just to see what his reaction is.
7. He’s comfortable learning something from you
Look for the humble guy. The guy who doesn’t have to be right or prove to anyone who he is. The guy that is comfortable in his own skin. The guy that is willing to be taught something he doesn’t know.
8. He doesn’t try to get outside validation
His actions line up with his words…. Not looking for approval from social media, peers.
Exactly. Does he stand strong on his own, or is he flighty, trying to get others to admire him?
9. He can admit his faults
Can he admit his faults and mistakes? Does he have reasonable expectations of himself and others? Is he understanding of those who struggle with issues he doesn’t? (Physical disabilities, mental health issues, etc.) Is he a person who forgives even if it takes effort?
10. He doesn’t try to change you
Here are five (of many):
1. He keeps his word.
2. He tells the truth – always.
3. He respects how God has ‘wired’ you and doesn’t try to change you.
4. He is an attentive listener.
5. He respects your boundaries.
I like this list–but I think #3 is so important!
How do you know if someone truly loves Jesus? 10 tips to help our girls learn to discern whether someone truly has good character!
I’d likely add a few more:
He doesn’t just read his Bible, he can actually talk about Bible stories, wrestle through some theology questions, and he has a favourite Bible verse (that isn’t just John 3:16). In other words, this is a guy who has to actually interact with Scripture and with God!
I’d also say–he isn’t an addictive personality. If he has a beer, or plays video games, it’s all in moderation and it isn’t impeding on other parts of his life.
And–and this is a huge one–he believes in working hard and supporting himself and a future family. He doesn’t slack off. He helps around the house. He doesn’t act entitled.
I’ve got a longer post on how to tell if a guy is marriage material, too!
Like this post? You may also enjoy:
Call Out these Character Signs to Your Kids
I think if we can have these conversations with our girls on an ongoing basis as they grow, we can help our girls make wise choices. If you’re watching a movie and a guy genuinely apologizes, talk to your daughter about how neat it is that the guy could admit his faults, and how important that was. If a guy helps clear the table, point that out. But if a guy (or an adult man) monopolizes the conversation or gets upset if you seem to know more than he does, show her that that’s a red flag.
Show your daughters whenever you see a red flag, so that she gets used to picking up on them, too. And then call out green flags whenever you see them. Let’s train our girls (and our boys, actually!) to recognize good character, so that they don’t end up choosing someone who ticks the right boxes, but who is actually quite horrible.
What do you think? Have any other red flags? Or some green flags? Let’s talk in the comments about how to raise our kids to recognize good people!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
There’s a single man in our church who loves to serve in various ministries. He knows his Bible. He discusses doctrine with the pastor on a regular basis. He is charming, tall, good looking and acts gallantly toward women .
He targets women from wealthy families by ingratiating himself with their parents and manipulating *the parents* to set up a first date.
He won’t listen when a woman says no. He feels entitled to her time and attention. Those who’ve known him for years know how he treated his first wife and other vulnerable people in his path. His kids don’t want anything to do with him.
At first, our young pastor was fooled and told single women, “Hey, he’s just awkward.” Now he realizes the man’s an abuser.
Women, trust your gut. Don’t assume his spiritual comments, church attendance, and volunteering mean he’s a good guy. Look at his history of treating others who are needy or at his mercy.
So well said! Absolutely. Just because someone knows the Bible does not mean they know Jesus. We have to look further than just spiritual knowledge to see if the fruit is really there in their lives.
I’d add “how do they treat animals”. I’ve known two guys who on the outside seem great, but one kicked his now ex-mother-in-law’s dog in the head because it was barking and another guy brutally whipped a horse after it bucked him off. Both men ended up divorcing their spouses (who are female 1st cousins of mine). One of those men was even an ex-Marine. :/
Animals are a beautiful part of God’s Kingdom. He created them just as He created us! I’m a total dog lover. Dogs are the only creatures who love us more than they love themselves! Dogs are selfless creatures. And helpless as well. Just like children. 🙂
Good point! How do they treat those who are helpless? How do they treat those that they have power over? That’s so important!
Wow, great post! Too bad I didn’t think about some of these things sooner!
I kept trying to flip this in my head to how to raise my two little boys to be that guy. So I did find this helpful as a boy-only mom, but I certainly won’t complain if you ever do a post on character training specifically for boys! (I’ve been trying to work on that with the 3 year old in particular anyway.)
And I’be found this list helpful as it gives some qualities that I can discuss with my boys (which I hope I’ve cultivated in them).
For the most part I think this is a great list and I think most, if not all, of these can he applied for a man looking for a good woman.
However, I am not a fan of number 10 on the list. Let me be clear. I don’t think it’s right for anyone, man or woman, to go into a relationship with someone and begin to pick them apart looking for faults to “correct”. I think that is an abusive way to treat anyone whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship. Having said that, I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to have a “don’t try to change me attitude”. I don’t think those kinds of people make good friends and definitely not good spouses. I think a lot of people, male and female, try very hard to write their faults off as being the way God wired them. And I do believe God gives us certain qualities that are ultimately good but can also become bad. For example, a strong will can be a great quality to have but it can grow into a relentlessly stubborn attitude towards everything if left unchecked. I believe God puts people in our lives who will help us to prune the good qualities that He gave us so they don’t become bad qualities. And I think a spouse is the number one person He intended to do that. Again, I am not talking about people who are abusive. I’m talking about people who are lovingly honest with us because they want us to be the best we can be. I think it is very unwise to say we should be looking for someone who doesn’t want to change us. If we tell young women (and men) this, then the first time a friend of the opposite sex offers some loving constructive criticism, they will automatically say, “well they obviously could never love me for who God made me to be because they are trying to change me when we are just friends!” I think instead we should be looking for someone who has the potential to change us for the better and who is open to allowing us to change them for the better too. Someone who is lovingly honest and appreciates loving honesty in return.
Totally agree! I think what you’ve said could be put in with the humility part because it is in our humility that we are teachable. My husband has effected great changes in me that are for the better, and had I been resentful of the attempt to help me, I would have lost many valuable lessons.
Thanks, Sherry! I think it’s great that you were open to changing and I can only assume your husband has a similar attitude. Good for you guys! And believe me, I know there are toxic people out there who try to change you in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. I’m pretty sure my first boyfriend was trying to turn me into his mother… Needless to say that relationship didn’t last. Haha
But we do need to be open to the fact that meeting someone and forming a strong bond with them will force us to take a closer look at ourselves especially when disagreements and arguments arise. And that applies to both men and women. When we are growing up in a family, our family is more or less obligated to put up with us and love us even if we are hard to deal with. So childhood and adolescence are not exactly times in our lives where we undergo a whole lot of self-improvement. In my opinion, most people really don’t reach their full potential until they have someone outside their immediate family who challenges their flaws. Marriage is like personality boot camp. And if it’s done right, both people turn out more disciplined, stronger when it comes to handling life, and much more refined version of themselves. So basically, in my opinion, if you have a “don’t try to change me” attitude, then you are not even remotely ready for marriage.
Hey there Sheila – not sure how you do it but I had the same thought that came from that post. In addition last week I was getting my hair cut and someone woman was giving her teenage customer advice on men. She said all men are trash. That was her summary. Well most people laughed but to my surprise my hair dresser came to my defense. She then asked me what I tell my daughter about men. Ofcourse she is just 10 so we really havent gone there per se but, I have told my daughter in my own gestful silly serious way dont come home with tatoos and piercings all over the place or your out….which could have fed into that post too….but I actually just agreed with it how it was written. The thing is this. I must lead by example. I need to show her how I love her mother so she can know what to see in a boyfreind. So my kids had been away for a couple weeks and the last week I spent by myself. I decided that I would show my daughter just how a man should act while she was away. I had gotten her Mother flowers for the table and bedside. I also wrote her a welcome home not. Guess what? I did the same thing for my daughter. I put some flowers on her night stand and a welcome home card. All the kids got a gift that we could build togther but Addison got her own exrta special gift and weldome home from me. So leading by example is what came to mind and kind of feeds into your #2 from a different angle. Also I would add does he admit he is wrong and does he apologize and is it sincere -meaning he does try to not make the same mistake again. Oh and in all this is respect. Jesus is no doubt the foundation for all of this. I am grateful today that I can show my daughter what kind of man to marry. Just grateful.
I read a great article once that I can’t find now…but it suggested taking 1 Cor 13:4-7 and substitute the word “Love” for that person’s name and see whether it’s true.
Ex: “Is John/Jane patient? Is John/Jane kind?”
While this passage is an ideal for which we all fall short, if you are coming up with way more “no’s” than “yes’es” that’s a serious flag.
The other advice I got as a single person that is SO hard to follow is this: from the time you are absolutely certain about any major decision in the relationship, wait three months. It is so hard to do when you are young and infatuated, but it is amazing how many things change in a huge way in that amount of time. Three months of waiting and watching is much easier than a year of healing and undoing.
I love the 1 Corinthians 13 thought! So good.
And the three months thing is absolutely right, too. So often we get blown away by emotions, and we forget to be wise.
One that I think is becoming increasingly relevant these days is, how do they talk with/talk about people that they disagree with? Do they take the time to listen, to understand what they are saying and where they are coming from, to appreciate raw emotions and messy circumstances that can hardly be untied from their beliefs?
Or do they publicly slander and ridicule people who see the world differently? Do they preach over top of dissenting voices? Do they smugly revel in their own wisdom and tell themselves that they would make a better choice if faced with the same circumstances?
Lately I’m discouraged by the number of Christians who I respect(ed), who are well studied, committed leaders, who say the most vile, ugly things once someone posts a different political view on Facebook.
Don’t get me wrong, dangerous false teaching needs to be called out, grievous sins cannot be left unchecked and the gospel must be defended. Most of us need to have more courage to speak out about the truth. But especially when talking about grey areas of theology, minor areas of theology, politics and matters of preference – let’s choose to build one another up instead of tearing down. To listen – and care – before preaching. To consider how you would handle being faced with an impossible decision. To be humble enough to admit that you may be wrong. To pray that everyone ourselves included, would come to a better understanding of the truth.
To me this feels like a strong barometer of one’s character. A man like this demonstrates compassion, wisdom, courage, humility, stability, emotional control and even good communication skills. Imagine being married to the critical man. Would you be comfortable expressing your thoughts and opinions with him, if you thought they may differ from his? When it comes to theology, finances, parenting, sex, lifestyle? Would you be comfortable saying “no” to him, or confessing one of your own sins to him? I know I wouldn’t.
I’ve been talking about this lately with some of my friends, too, Lynn. One thing that we’ve encountered is Christians on Facebook who will debate really intensely about things that are very controversial (like women having to wear skirts, for instance, or about how all divorce is wrong), and they say such incendiary things. And even when reminded that many non-Christians can read this thread, they keep going.
I once had a Facebook post where someone defended slavery. I asked them to stop, noting that this was not a good witness, and they kept going.
To me it’s not always about whether they’re kind to the person they’re debating with. It’s also: do they see the bigger picture that we have to reach the world? I get overwhelmed by some of the comments here, too. Even when I remind people that non-Christians are reading, they keep saying incendiary things. There are ways to debate that do not turn people away from Christ, but when they seem intent to win brownie points in debates rather than care for souls, it is scary.
Really? Someone defended slavery?! Oh dear.
You’re right, it really all boils down to kindness and love for those you’re debating with, and the unsaved world who is watching closely.
I’m thankful for people like you who are brave to enter difficult conversations with truth and kindness. Hopefully others can learn from your example!
Sheila, I’ve been wondering, how do you deal with all the shocking comments on this site (and elsewhere)? I’ve been so blown away, disappointed, frustrated, etc, by things I’ve heard Christians say, both online and in person lately. I’m currently going to school at a secular university and when it comes to issues of gender, race, interactions with other cultures, and more, many of my professors have much more thoughtful, well-informed, and generally deeper perspectives than many Christians I know. Does this come simply from more education? I think that knowledge of God is far superior to human wisdom, but how is it that unbelievers can have such perspective while Christians, the kind who I know have spent years studying scripture and having daily devotional time, come off as so thoughtless and ignorant? This isn’t all Christians by any means, just a lot that I know :/ I know I probably sound very judgemental, but sometimes Christians can be hard to deal with…if I feel this way, how challenging is it for people who do not know Christ to give him a chance when they see and hear what Christians say??
So Sheila, how do you not let negativity dominate your days when you have to moderate terrible comments? And both Sheila and Lynn, how do you reconcile, mentally, that so many can be so steeped in scripture and still be so…bleh ?
HAHAHAHAHA–I just saw your comment right after my mom brought me up a bar of dark chocolate to keep me going today after I’ve been in a mess of misogyny.
I have had similar experiences to you. The men who have treated me the best, who have listened to my opinions and who have respected me the most, tended to be men outside the church. That is a huge indictment on the church.
What I will say is that the movement to respect women and treat them as people was started by Christians–Susan B. Anthony in the United States, Emily Murphy and Nellie McClung in Canada, and all were strong Christians. Similarly, the movement against slavery was started by Christians. William Wilberforce and Jonathan Wesley were wonderful Christians. The root of justice is found in Jesus’ people.
And we changed the world.
Unfortunately, in too many ways we did not change the church. We are in a big battle right now, and it is coming to a head. The horrible things that have come out about the Southern Baptist Convention and their treatment of women is only just the beginning.
This week, my daughter’s video was linked to by a hateful men’s rights blog, and she has received hundreds of comments that both quote the Bible, and then insult her in pornographic ways (“I wonder how many **** you **** last night?) They are pigs. And what keeps me going, I think, is Jesus’ words that not all who say “Lord Lord” will enter the kingdom of heaven, and that we will know them by their fruit, not by their ability to quote Scripture. I am seeing more and more that many who say they preach Christ actually don’t know Him.
In some cases, yes, it is simple ignorance. They do know Jesus, but there are parts of their lives that aren’t fully surrendered to Him, and this is one of them (in the same way that there are parts of my life that are not fully surrendered). But when it is malevolent, and when there is a glory in having power and being in control, that is not of Christ, and we must speak out against it. It is very demoralizing at times, but learning to recognize who truly knows Christ around you, and to differentiate these people from those who merely say all the right words while spewing hatred, is important.
And I think we should be grateful for the secular world for leading the way today. Let’s praise those we should. And then let’s call out those within the church who are being horrible.
As for how to not let negativity dominate my days? I guess it’s because enough people like you send me encouragement as well. And for that I am truly grateful.
(I also just finished watching a show on Catherine the Great, and while she isn’t a good one to emulate, it made me feel even more so that I need to be a strong woman and fight. And so I’ve been rereading Ephesians 6!)
I think we need to be very careful when it comes to praising the secular world as a whole. Yes, we need to be careful about people within the church who are obviously misguided, manipulative and downright hateful. Those people obviously don’t know Christ. But that doesn’t mean that the secular world’s grass is greener. Yes, there are some truly wonderful and loving people out there who don’t know Christ (but who are great candidates for becoming acquainted with him). But I think we need to keep ourselves well informed about the indoctrination that is going on at colleges these days. I don’t want to get into politics too much because that isn’t what this post is about, but I went to college for 4 years though and I rarely came across a vocally liberal professor or student who wasn’t aggressive, arrogant and hateful towards someone with an opposing view. And that’s the thing. They will act like they are the epitome of love and tolerance until you question their views and then their claws come out. We need to be very careful in these times that we are in. Careful about the church, false teachers, and the secular world that is becoming dangerously tolerant of an awful lot these days EXCEPT for Christians (who are often painted as hateful bigots). As I said, there are people who call themselves Christians that we need to watch out for. But we also need to be VERY careful about the secular world. Remember the Women’s March, anyone?
I do hear what you’re saying, Samantha. That’s why I would never advise people to date outside the church. I understand the impulse, but if you honestly feel like you need to date outside the church, then you really need to get a different church! I have known churches that are incredibly demeaning towards women–even very large churches (in fact, it seems almost especially very large churches). But those are not the only churches there, and I think when you’re in the middle of one, it can seem like you have no choice. But there really are very Bible-believing churches that preach the gospel that do not also blame women for men’s lust, that do treat domestic abuse seriously, that do value women’s opinions and giftings. There really are. But sometimes we need to get out of our bubble.
I will say, though, that I have known wonderful, wonderful non-Christian people. My husband works in a secular environment, and his colleagues are, by and large, great people. The people at my workplaces when I was younger were also predominantly great people. Yes, we had the hateful liberal professors in university as well, but my daughters found that these tended to be the exception and not the rule. Most people were just kind and interesting and treated you well.
I think it’s because the secular world does preach respect and tolerance quite a bit, and many genuinely grow up believing those values (I know they warp the idea of tolerance, of course, but nevertheless people do believe it). My daughters went to university prepared for it to be very anti-Christian, but instead found it quite welcoming. Indeed, Rebecca’s psychology professors, none of whom were Christian, frequently taught about the positive effects of religion on parenting, families, and children.
So I think it’s important that we don’t caricature the secular world. It makes it very hard to reach it for Christ. There are lots of crazy people for sure, and they get a lot of press attention, but there are also lots of really, really nice people. And those people all need Jesus. And they’re unlikely to find Him if we treat them all like they’re evil, especially while we have such issues in our churches with people who can be so evil themselves.
I guess to sum up, I’d say that the times that we’ve switched churches are the times when I’ve felt more at home with Keith’s colleagues than with those in the church, because those in the church disregarded me as a woman and were backstabbing, while Keith’s work colleagues were kind. Then we’ve realized, okay, we’re not really in the body of Christ here, because the body of Christ should be demonstrating love, and should be BETTER than the world. Then we’ve switched, and life has been much better.
We all need the body of Christ. If you’re more at home outside the church, and feel more respected outside the church, then find a new church! Because likely your church is not really being the body of Christ, either.
Thank you so much, Sheila. I’m sorry that Katie has to deal with such filth in the comments on her video. But you must be so proud of her! She seems like a really great person. People like both of you are so encouraging to me.
And I want to add that it sounds like I’ve had a very similar experience in my secular university as Rebecca and Katie. I go to a very liberal school, but I’ve never felt attacked or demeaned by a professor there. Occasionally class discussions can get heated amongst the students, but none of it was directed at me personally, if that makes sense. The professors certainly aren’t perfect, but they have taken me seriously, treated me with respect, and because I plan to go to grad school and continue in academia, they have really encouraged my pursuits.
I grew up in a conservative home-schooling community, which is how I know some absolutely wonderful Christian families. Even in churches that I went to that are not largely homeschooling happened to be made up of people who are the kind to mostly just associate with other Christians and not unbelievers, because of their lifestyles and circles they tend to be in. I felt like I was told a message along the line of “We’re telling you the truth now so that when you go off to big, bad college and the professors are so mean to you, you’ll know the truth! The professors will single you out for what you believe and attack you!” I have found that it is extremely uncommon to meet a hostile professor. What I have found to be so very common is students who have been so damaged by the church and now want nothing to do with Christianity. Sometimes its heartbreaking because I believe Jesus is better than that.
I guess to summarize a really long comment: we should stop emphasizing so much that unbelievers are *different* than us, when the church in general is not doing much better than the world. A lot of young people are coming out of the church so broken. Yes, the church is different than the world, or at least it should be, but when we paint everyone in the secular world as being dangerous, I honestly think we overdo it and stop relating to them people. And that’s what they are: just people.
I totally agree with this, Madeline. And this is exactly what Rebecca and Katie experienced at school, too!
I agree, we can’t lump the secular world into one big category because there are some genuinely good-hearted people out there who don’t have Christ in their lives. And we should be an example to those people. And I do believe even the hard-headed people out there who aren’t so good-hearted need someone to try to reach them too. The point I was trying to make is that we need to be careful. And you’re absolutely right that if we find ourselves more comfortable around a secular crowd than we do in church, then it’s time to change churches. But more than that we need to do a check of the values and morals that we know to be the truth. If we find ourselves questioning things that we KNOW to be Biblical truth, then it’s time to take a break from the secular crowd and reevaluate ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with socializing with people who have different points of view, but when they start having more of an impact on us than we are having on them, then it’s time to walk away. And that’s all I’m trying to say. We need to put God and Christ first in our lives. And if that means stepping on some toes and losing some friends, then we can’t be afraid to do that. And for the record my husband works in mostly secular environment and he has been around guys who kindly and respectfully express different views and also those who are pushy and arrogant and downright rude. It’s a tough world out there and we need to stay alert.
This is a great post, and I wish I’d seen it in my younger years. However, as a person with an addictive personality (rather I have diagnosed obsessive compulsive tendencies), I don’t think this alone is necessarily a reason to avoid someone. How they handle it should be the indicator. Can they notice when they become obsessive about something, or be open to someone telling them they may be becoming obsessive about something, and be willing to correct it or receive help to correct it.
I think that is a good point, Julia–I also think that I’d classify myself as someone with addictive tendencies, and I think that perspective is really important.
You’re right, Julia. It should be about how they handle this, and I’m sorry if I worded it wrong. I think we need to ask: do they have accountability? Do they have plans in place to deal with things when temptations arise? What steps have they taken to ensure that addictions don’t take over? That sort of thing. People certainly can overcome it; we just need to be sure that they’re taking it seriously.
Sheila,
Absolutely! Good list of questions. And if that person is in denial, it’s important to realize it isn’t our/your job to save or change them. Only Christ can do that!
Also to you, Rebecca, and Katie: You guys are doing such a great job getting the Word out there in such a potentially hostile environment. Thanks for your courage!
Thanks for the encouragement, Julia!
You know, you just made a point that I really should have made, too. We can’t save somebody. I think many people are honestly on a mission to save someone, and that never works.
A warning sign that I’ve heard a lot lately (reading biographies etc) are men who are very intense, who sweep women off their feet, who become very devoted very fast. The family gets fooled he appears like an ideal man but ends up a controlling and abusive husband.
So great, Sophie! Yes, I’ve definitely seen that dynamic as well.
Your statement about an addictive personality caught my attention. I am currently attracted to a young man who is a former drug addict. He is a relatively new Christian. I have been praying a lot for wisdom for this situation. I am curious: are you saying that you would advise against dating/marrying a former drug addict?
I don’t think I’d advise against it, no, Gracie. But I think I would want to make sure that he had accountability in place; that he recognized his weaknesses; and that he had a plan to deal with them. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker, in other words, but it would be like a warning light on the dash of the car. I would also have a longer engagement in this case (and I don’t normally advise longer engagements) just to ensure that the changes were genuine and could be sustained. I think marriage is such a huge step, and addictions are so difficult, that we have to be careful. They certainly can be defeated, and I know many who have overcome addictions successfully. But I do think that treating them seriously is important.
You know, as I read this I agreed pretty much with everything EXCEPT that it occurred to me that I would do it the other way around. In other words (and this is what my husband and I are doing with our children), I teach my kids to observe these kinds of behaviours themselves rather than teach them to be alert for negative behaviours in others.
Character traits such as empathy and humility don’t grow by accident, so when one of them, or someone else demonstrates such a quality, we highlight and commend it. We also try ourselves to model those same traits we want to grow in them at home. Occasionally we’ll draw attention to negative behaviours, but that is certainly the exception rather than the rule, and usually because one of the kids has noticed it already by themselves.
I really believe that if they are familiar with good behaviour and good healthy relationships, if they have learnt to love their Lord Jesus and hold him up as the standard for their own behaviour, then as they reach adult life they will more readily recognise bad and questionable behaviour in others.
As you’ve said before Sheila – if they’re saved, they have the same Holy Spirit that I do, and learning to be sensitive to His leading personally is the one single thing that will keep them from wrong decisions in life!
Such great advice, Mary! I love that. And that’s really what Rebecca said Why I Didn’t Rebel, too.
I was talking to my daughter Katie yesterday, though, and we were going on about how so many of her friends are dating people that just aren’t of good character, but they don’t seem to see it. I really do want to start an educational campaign to help girls (and guys actually) recognize what good character is. I think in our children, if we’re raising them well, it wouldn’t be as much of an issue. But we have to start this conversation in the wider Christian community. Just because someone reads the Bible or can quote the Bible does not mean they’re a good Christian! No one knew the Bible better than the Pharisees, after all. Yet who really knew God? Hopefully as we teach these things to our kids, they can also impart them to their friends and warn them against bad relationships.
One of the qualities I tell my friends is how a man responds when he sins against you. We are human and we are going to sin against each other (let me be clear- not referring to abuse or serious addiction or something that is a deal breaker!) Let’s say you get in an argument and he says something short or hurtful. Or he is impatient with you. Whatever it is! Does he make excuses? Get defensive? Laugh it off?? Hide it?
Or is he quick to acknowledge blame, ask for forgiveness, repent and set out ways to make it better. A man who is humble in his state before God is a man you can trust.
That’s so key, Elizabeth! Thank you. One thing that I find with a lot of dating couples, though, is that they NEVER fight. I actually find that a red flag. If you never, ever fight it may be either because you’re not really sharing what you truly think (because any time two people share everything they think there will be disagreements) or they’re not doing life together (because when you do mundane things together, rather than just going on dates, you will grate on each other occasionally). I know my girls had disagreements to work through with their now-husbands, and that actually led to fewer disagreements once they were married!
I never thought of that before… It’s so true though. And if you’ve never “fought” before how do you know how you will handle inevitable conflicts that will arise in marriage?
There is something I’d like to add, which is that the general feeling for a “good guy” has somehow acquired a negative connotation in modern society, as women usually prefer the “bad boy”, because it is these kind of guys that can give them the emotional spark that they need to fall in love…(or so it seems) However, is a bad boy with a rebel-like personality ultimately capable of keeping a long-term fulfilling relationship? Perhaps not as much as a nice guy, who is perhaps more “controlled” but in the long run can offer a more meaningful and stable relationship. One important point though is that some of those so-called nice guys are not as nice as girls might think, as they might “play nice” because they think that this is what women want (supposedly -but obviously they ignore that what most women really seem to prefer, at least initially, is the exact opposite). In this case it is perhaps worth considering that the bad guy is perhaps more “authentic”, and raw, as he doesn’t pretend anything in order to get with a girl, and such type of personality has its own positive sides too… Just a thought 🙂
That’s actually quite interesting, Ivan. My daughter Katie married someone that many would have thought was a “bad boy” what with the tattoos and the military, etc., and yet in each of these 10 tips he would have passed with flying colours. He was more likely to say exactly what he thought, but it was this questioning and unwillingness to go along with things that he thought was wrong that got him labelled bad, when really these were good qualities. I think authentic and raw can be very important. Often we are far too superficial (and often people are just plain shallow and there also isn’t a lot of depth to them!)
Katie’s husband reminds me of my own! He has also been labelled ‘bad’ by so many, when really the label should perhaps have been ‘strong’ or ‘strong willed’.
I actually think there are too many guys out there trying to be PC and ‘nice guys’, and not enough men of good character calling them out of the fakery. Plus, in this social media dominated world, it is so easy to appear a certain way to certain people, while having a whole other ‘side’ that never gets seen.
I am liking the current trend with a lot of female ‘influencers’ on social media to show the ‘real’ in their lives. Yes, you might only be getting a snippet, but at least it isn’t a completely air brushed, edited snippet. I’m not sure if there are men out there who are doing the same, but, at least with the women I follow on Instagram, it has become ok not to appear perfect. I think that men would also benefit from this kind of transparency in their lives, as it becomes ok to show your flaws (thus encouraging honesty) but also encourages you to live well, and raises the bar to an achievable high standard, not an impossible one.
My husband has labeled himself a “bad boy” even while he is nothing of the sort. He’s one of the greatest men I’ve met. Yet others may consider him a bad boy because he doesn’t always follow society’s rules and traditions. We decided that the “bad boy” in him is his ability to be a bold independent thinker. He can logic through peoples’ advice, rules, suggestions and end up making a completely contrary decision. He’s not afraid to break the mold if he thinks that would give the best result.
In my husband’s scenario, being “bad” is a good thing. 😉
One of the things my oldest daughter and I have talked about is porn. What are the questions that need to be asked and not just answered, but lived. Has he looked at porn? (we will get to no) Yes. Current or past? If currently looking, move on. What kind? Has he stopped? How long ago? Is there a track record showing it has ended? WHY? Why did he stop? (this is key) What was the pivot point that brought him to repentance? What things does he have in place to keep it from happening again? Accountability? Software? No internet? Replacing with good? How does he deny himself? If they are getting serious, will he let her talk to his accountability partners? Does he know the deeper reasons inside himself that he was looking? Does he hate porn, all that is associated with it? Does he keep looking at sexual images when they cross his path or does he avert his eyes? What about if he thinks nobody is looking?
So what about if he says he hasn’t? First there is a lot of discernment needed to see if he is a liar. If he truly hasn’t, why not? Has he just not been exposed to it? Was he raised in a really conservative family that did everything in their power to keep kids away from anything “bad” but never taught them why? Has he actually been tested in this? Has he faced this temptation but has said no because of his commitment and relationship with Christ? How does he avoid it? Accountability? Software? Limiting exposure? I’m not trying to be offensive here, but is he gay? Maybe he doesn’t even know it or is suppressing it because that is the “christian” thing to do.
All of these avenues need to be explored, and it will take time. But this is a really important issue and needs to be addressed. Frankly, I told my daughter that I would rather see her with a man that used to look at porn, but has a turning point in his life and a track record to show it, than a man that hasn’t looked at it but has never actually been tested in this area and really isn’t prepared to be tested. Unfortunately there are a lot of kids out there that have been hyper-protected by their helicopter parents and don’t have the first clue what they believe or why.
Great point, Sheep! And I totally agree with your last paragraph. You want someone who has had the chance to look, but has actively rejected porn and has things in place to show that it will not become a habit in the future (or at least that they are currently committed to having it not become a habit).
Is there anyone writing this type of article for our sons who are looking for a wife who is a good girl as opposed to a bad girl?