What are the common trigger points for conflict in marriage–the real causes of conflict?
A few years ago I wrote a post that talked about how sometimes when we get ticked off at our spouse, the problem is not ACTUALLY with our spouse. I really liked that post, and it ended up being one of the big thoughts in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
I’m really busy right now gearing up for our missions trip to Kenya, and I wanted to rerun that post today, because it’s an important one that likely most of my readers haven’t seen. So let’s jump in!
Let’s look at trigger points as causes of conflict.
My mother was often stressed with her family as a teenager, especially on Sunday mornings. Her parents were not the most organized, and Sunday mornings were hectic. My grandfather was a pastor, and he was always missing something–his keys, his tie. My grandmother could never find her glasses. And they would yell and run trying to get out the door. My mother, meanwhile, would be all ready. She had to teach Sunday School, and she had to get going. But invariably she was late because her parents were late.
So eventually she stopped waiting and decided that on Sundays she would take the bus to church. It took a lot longer than the car ride, but it was a lot less stressful, and she could make sure that she wasn’t late.
Sunday mornings were her trigger point. She knew that was coming.
What are your trigger points?
A good exercise is to start keeping track of the times that you become angry or aggravated at your husband (or your kids), and then ask yourself:
What led up to this? What else was happening at the time?
Usually when we react in anger the problem is not solely the thing that we are angry about.
So if your husband walks in the door ten minutes late, one night you may blow up at him, while another night it bounced right off of you and you didn’t care. The cause of the conflict is not what it may seem.
What’s the difference?
Similarly, there may be times you’re ready to tear your husband’s hair out for leaving his socks on the floor one more time instead of getting them in the hamper, while other mornings you’re happily picking up the clothes while humming to yourself.
What’s different?
We dwell on the infraction–being late, not picking up the socks–but we often fail to realize that there are other things that are also contributing to the problem.
If we recognize what those other things are, we can see that these are our “trigger points” for anger. It isn’t necessarily what our husband does that makes us mad; it’s what else is going on that is causing us to see our husbands in a bad light.
Here are some common ones to get you thinking:
Cause of Conflict in Marriage #1: Feeling Overwhelmed/Busy
Ever feel just so weighed down by demands?
Let’s say that the night that your husband came in ten minutes late and you exploded was also the night that one child had soccer practice right at 6:45, and another child had swimming lessons right at 7, and all day you had been obsessing over how to get each child to the right place at the right time without making anybody late.
You have no leeway for error.
Or perhaps you just have had no time to yourself for a week because you’ve been chauffeuring kids everywhere, and you have a busy work schedule, and some other family things have come up. And you’re just feeling very put upon. In that case, those extra socks can feel as if your husband is standing over you, saying, “here’s something else you have to do! Your whole life is one big to-do list!”
Ask yourself: the last few times that I’ve gotten annoyed, have I been extremely busy? If so, maybe the best thing I can do for my marriage is to take the kids out of some activities and start learning to say “no”.
One day that sock is just a sock. The next day that sock is Evil Incarnate.
Cause of Conflict #2: Feeling Tired
When we’re exhausted we get grumpy. Little things our husbands do bother us so much more. And yet if we were bright eyed and bushy tailed we may be able to laugh it off!
Ask yourself: Have I been getting enough sleep lately? Maybe I need to start going to bed earlier, and training the children to sleep regularly, on their own, so that I can invest in my marriage.
Cause of Conflict #3: Feeling Defensive
Have you been angry at yourself lately? Maybe you’re mad because you can’t seem to lose that weight. Maybe you feel like you should be further ahead in your career right now. Maybe you feel like you should be a better mother. I was speaking at a conference recently and a woman came up and asked for prayer because she found that she was constantly angry at her kids. She didn’t want to be that kind of mom, but the house was chaotic and she was always angry.
We got to talking, and I shared with her that anger is usually a secondary emotion. We react in anger because we feel something else first, and that feeling is too sensitive, or too difficult to deal with, so we deflect it into anger. In her case, she had an immense fear of failure. She was afraid that she wasn’t a good mom. So when things around the house got chaotic and seemed to prove that fear was justified, she became angry.
The problem, though, was that she was already angry at herself. And when we’re angry at ourselves, we usually deflect that anger to other people, because it’s psychologically easier. So when you’re angry at yourself for not being able to keep on top of things at home, and then your husband leaves socks on the bedroom floor, you’ll get angry at him. It’s not the socks; it’s just another trigger that the house is out of control.
Ask yourself: Am I trying too hard to be perfect? Do I constantly feel like a failure? How can I pray through this and work through this with a friend/mentor so that I don’t project my anger at myself onto other people?
Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?
There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.
There’s a better way!
Cause of Conflict #4: Feeling Disconnected
A couple is supposed to feel like a team. They’re supposed to feel intimate, like they’re supporting each other and loving each other. And sex is a big part of that.
When you’re not making love regularly, you start to feel disconnected, because something is missing. Sex was the primary way that God created us to experience intimacy in marriage, and when we’re not pursuing it, it feels as if we’re keeping our spouse at arm’s length, even if that isn’t our conscious intention.
When you’re in a sexual rut it’s easy to feel unsettled in your relationship. We start to second guess each other and question each other because we haven’t “checked in” on the relationship lately by making love. When you make love, you say, “I love you. I forgive past hurts. I want to be close.” When you don’t make love, those things may still be true, but you haven’t shown it tangibly in the same way. So we start to doubt.
Marriage Shouldn’t Be BORING!
And when we’re doubting, those socks on the floor seem to be saying, “I don’t really care about you.” Or they’re saying, “I’m mad at you, so I’m not going to consider your needs or your comfort.”
We’re not defensive about ourselves in this case; we’ve become defensive about the relationship.
Ask yourself: Have you made love regularly, or are you going through a dry spell? To improve your marriage, commit to making love regularly–say at least twice a week. Love covers a multitude of sins, but sex also covers a multitude of misunderstandings. 🙂 And my book 31 Days to Great Sex is a fun way to work through this trigger point!
Learning to reckonize your trigger points can help reduce conflict in your marriage! What are your trigger points?
Cause of Conflict #5: Feeling Hormonal
Finally, let’s not forget hormones. If I were to track all of the times that I’ve been a crying mess in front of my husband in the last few months, they would line up almost exactly with…well, you know what I’m talking about. And believe me, this gets way worse when you hit your 40s and perimenopause starts. Your hormones really are all over the place.
One day that sock is just a sock. The next day that sock is Evil Incarnate.
Ask yourself: am I feeling angry to a schedule? Maybe it’s time for me to look ahead of time at the calendar and look at when I’m likely to be difficult, and then warn people beforehand
Here’s why these exercises can be so helpful: If you can identify the times when you’re most likely to blow up, then you can try either to avoid those times entirely–by becoming less busy, for instance–or you can plan more “alone” time for the times in your life when you are more likely to react badly to those you love.
So here’s the plan to Stop Conflict Before It Starts:
1. Think back to the last three times you reacted in anger towards your husband. Were any of these five things in play?
2. If you can’t remember the circumstances surrounding the last few times you’ve been angry, get a notebook out to keep track of things for the following month. Whenever you start to feel angry, take a step back and ask yourself which factors are affecting you.
3. If one particular trigger point keeps rearing its head, make a commitment to deal with that. For me, I’m going to block off the next day when I’ve got really bad PMS and just plan a day apart. I think it’s healthier for everyone!
4. On a related note, focus on the things you do well together. We’ve talked today about looking for the triggers for conflict; but we also have triggers for laughter. Figure out what you were doing the last time you laughed together, and do more of that!
If we could notice our trigger points for conflict, we’d have far less conflict in our marriage. So take a good, long look at yourself–and resolve to deal with those triggers!
What are some of the common trigger points in your marriage? What are some things that help you? Let’s chat in the comments!
And don’t forget to get your worksheet!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
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My poor husband had no chance last week. Wednesday I cried for seemingly no reason. Thursday I was short with him. Friday I cried when he was trying to help me with something. He questioned me until I finally said I just needed sex. Wednesday I’d been gone all day, been thinking about it, and came home to him playing on his computer and willing to give me about 5 minutes of conversation before he was back at it. Thursday we were busy. Friday I was already stressing about the issue, and then I needed his help.
But I looked back at the days leading up to the hard days: #1, I’m almost 6 months pregnant. #2, I need way more (and am probably not getting enough) sleep. #3, I’d run or walked 20 miles Sunday-Wednesday. And #4, I’d just been talking with another high-drive girlfriend before going home Wednesday. My tiredness came out as frustration with him and neediness. But once I figured it out, I told him. And this week, I’ve done less and it’s been so much more normal (who wants the waterworks and emotional rollercoaster when you can control them?)!
Oh, that’s so great! It’s so good to be able to identify what our difficult issues are.
We had a few really good (by which I mostly mean loud and unproductive) fights early in our marriage.
Then we made a rule.
No important conversations after 10pm.
We’ve mostly stuck to it, and those difficult discussions go so much better when we aren’t struggling to stay awake. 🙂
That’s a very good rule!
I really appreciated this one. I have been so guilty of responding in the “heat of the moment” when the issue I’m so upset about really doesn’t have anything to do with the situation. My triggers are fighting/yelling children (the noise I can’t stand), we are starting to run late, or I’m feeling very hormonal.
Knowing my hormonal schedule has helped me learn to back off, my husband pays attention to the calendar as well. He knows when I’m struggling, and tries to give me time and space to deal with the feelings. I have been so thankful for the many times, he just comes in and asks, “what can I do.” Sometimes I say, deal with the kids! Other times, I ask for help to get dinner going or a chore I’m focused on. And we get the job done, my temper/feeling simmer down and life returns back to normal.
So timely! I’m 33 weeks pregnant and in an extremely busy season at work, and lately I feel like I’m in a constant cycle of reacting, feeling guilty, apologizing, and repeating. It helps to look at what I’m using as “excuses” as triggers. Triggers you can identify and do something about; excuses are just reasons not to change the behavior.
I’m glad you found it helpful!
So, how do you deal with trigger points you can’t fix right now? I have a four week old at home, my husband and I are both super tired, he’s also stressed about work, we both work at uni so we are both home a lot this summer, having him be visibly stressed is definitely a trigger for me and I haven’t figured out how to manage to have it not be yet. So any good advice for just managing when triggers won’t go away for a while?
First, congratulations on your baby! I hadn’t realized you’d just had one! That’s awesome, Bethany.
I think the biggest thing you can do is give yourself grace and recognize that you each may be snapping at each other more than usual just because you’re so tired and stressed. Try to arrange for both of you to have at least 20 minutes totally to yourself everyday. But also make a plan so you know just how long all of this will last. I think when there’s an end date, it’s easier!
Thanks! Yeah, we are really finding adjusting to life with three kiddos to be surprisingly overwhelming (in hindsight probably should not have been so surprised). Thank you for thoughtful tips!
I found that sometimes, just knowing that there was more going on was enough to prevent a blowout. I might be irritated, he might be irritated, but we wouldn’t be taking things personally.
We would also park issues and disagreements until later, as much as possible. If I know that I am at the end of my rope due to lack of sleep, I say so. Then, I try not to engage and those around me try to avoid me. Even before we had kids, my husband and I figured out that we had our worst, stupidest fights after he came home from his 30 hour shifts on call. We made a rule that he had to go straight to bed, and we weren’t allowed to fight about anything when he was post-call. It worked.
I remember saying things like “wake the baby, you die” when my oldest was around that age, the exhaustion was so bad. You are going to be tired, but try to do whatever you can to reduce the absolutely exhausted to the point you can’t function thing. Any swing or bouncy seat that works? Can you look up guidelines for safe co-sleeping and snooze while breastfeeding? [Those naps made a big difference to me.] Can you alternate shifts with the baby so each of you can get at least 3 or 4 straight hours of sleep each day? Things should get easier in the next couple of weeks, but you need to get some sleep NOW.
Here’s the main problem for me, I feel so justified in my anger. And that justification leads to real problems. I love that you used the socks (because that is a real struggle 😉 ) The socks are there, I’m picking them up, of course I’m mad, it makes sense. I’ve never thought to stop and really figure out why I am feeling so angry over a pair of socks. It’s just like you said, sometimes I don’t mind picking them up and sometimes I do. And when I do I always thought it was justified. But nobody really wants to be angry with their spouse. Now I’m going to try and find the real source of my anger and deal with that instead of throwing that anger at the ones I love. Then I’m going to do those things that make me laugh because THAT is the real mom I want to be. Thanks for the tips, I didn’t even realize I needed them.
So glad it helped you, Ali! 🙂
When I was still teaching high school, my wife and sons wondered why I was so angry all the time. I didn’t see it. The tension and stress had become my “normal” so I would reply (at least somewhat snippily) that I wasn’t angry. The irony was lost on me.
When I had heart bypass surgery and literally faced death, I learned to let go. Things at home, and mostly, things at work, that used to have me tied in knots, just weren’t worth it. My priorities became a lot better, not perfect, but better.
By recognizing a trigger point, I have a choice to let it go. If it’s serious enough to make a difference, then I deal with it. If not, I try to let it go. I have too many blessings in my life to let these things steal my joy.
That’s amazing, Bob. So glad you had that realization! I went through a period of two years when I was snippy all the time, and I didn’t realize that I was severely anemic. Actually dealing with that helped me so much. Sometimes we do get into a “new normal” without realizing that it’s a very unhealthy normal!
Getting directions. Our biggest fights over the past couple of months have been when my husband is driving and expects me to navigate using his phone, i.e instantaneous. 1) It’s his phone. 2) I’m trying to get oriented to where we are vs. where we’re going 3) I’m directionally challenged. Therefore I always lead him on at least one wrong turn, and since, if he was navigating, it would have been obvious that you turn _____, he feels annoyed and I feel defensive and we’re curt and maybe get snippy and mad. One time I told him it would really be helpful if he would just spend 2 minutes looking for himself where he wanted to go rather than throwing the phone at me as we’re leaving the parking lot. That has helped, but not entirely.
Oh, that’s exactly like Keith and me! I’m so bad at figuring out directions from a phone! And inevitably he’s driving something huge like our RV in a totally unfamiliar place, so he’s already stressed. Yes, figuring out directions ahead of time helps a lot.
I am responsible for navigating while my husband drives as well. My style is different than his–I like to open the map app but tell him myself rather than have the app talk and give the directions. Recently, I started pulling up the directions some time during the week before we leave and showing him 1) the options available and 2) the option I’d choose. If he’s not up for that option (driving an RV is different than driving a car/truck), I use the other one and know that he’s seen it so he knows. He wouldn’t look it up himself (because it’s my responsibility, and I’m fine with that), but he will look at it if I show him and say, “Hey, how does this route look?” Plus he’s then more comfortable with my style because he knows that I know what I’m talking about.
I’m not entirely joking when I tell people that Waze saved my marriage. The directions thing was a HUGE trigger, especially when we were visiting his family in Israel and nobody seemed to give competent directions and we were constantly going around in circles. It drove me bonkers!
Now, since we know that this is a huge pet peeve for me, we have a system. We look it up first on Waze. We look over the list of directions to get a sense of the overall directions. I will drive, he will navigate (because he can read the street signs faster than I can), and we constantly stay focused on what is coming up next. I refuse to start driving until we have the directions working. Some stuff will always be frustrating, but this has made it far easier.
That’s awesome! And that’s very smart to see where things may go wrong and then pre-empt them. Exactly!
What if it’s not so easy to change or fix your trigger? I was sexually abused as a child and certain things can trigger that anger … contact with the perpetrator (because he was a family member and it’s never been disclosed), sexual abuse in the media, or sexual abuse situations that I can across through work. I know to get counselling when these other situations arise but often I think I’m okay … until I’m lashing out at my husband, looking for something – anything – to justify my anger at him and knowing the whole time that I’m being totally and utterly unreasonable and unfair. But at the time my anger is so overwhelming and he ends up on the receiving end.
Oh, Silent, that’s so tough! I think when we have deep wounds these do come out in anger.
Counselling is a definite must.
But in counselling, talk about how to develop strategies when that anger does surface. There are things you can do–prayers that you can pray; verses you can recite; relaxation exercises you can do. When Jesus was tempted in the desert, He fought back with Scripture He already had on hand for just this purpose. I think if you and your counsellor talked about how to handle this when it comes up would be a good plan!
I dont know how I got here and I dont know how to get back tomorrow . However I feel some relief knowing there are other women who have trouble with anger while trying to be a goid Christian wife.
My story is one I have not shared thinking no one can help or cares to hear. Anyhow i want to believe God and the Holy Spirit got me here so now i must reach out.
My husband is going to die. He is angry at the world and me. I feel scared and want to cry all the time but i cant so instead i react to his anger with a angry rebuttal. It isnt the way i want to be and yet I find myself repeating my bad behave over and over after feeling attacked verbally by him. I feel bad about what he must be going thru but i dont know how to get him to talk about it or pray about it just yell at me. I am so frustrated and scared and i want to love hum thru all he is going to go thru but i dont know what to do to change his behavior or mine. Hiw can I help us both? Please send me any advise anyone can offer me. Thanks
Hi Ali,
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this! So, if I understand correctly, your husband has a terminal illness? That’s totally normal to be angry and not able to process it or deal with it. I think the biggest piece of advice I’d give you is that you can’t do this alone. Reach out to a church. Ask for help. Get a counselor to come to the house and talk to you. Some churches have a ministry called “Stephen Ministers” that are lay people trained to walk through difficult periods in someone’s life with them. They’re not counsellors per se, but they are bearers of peace who can help you immensely. I found it very helpful when my son was dying.
But don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s the big thing I’d say. This is a huge emotional time in your life, and you really need people around you for it!