What’s the next step if you’ve learned everything you can about how to have great sex, but your body isn’t getting with the program?
Yesterday I shared the first half of a post that a reader sent me (who wishes to remain anonymous) about her journey to figure out what sex was meant to be. She talked about her frustration with all the typical advice and when her breakthrough really happened.
And today she’s getting into the practical things she did that helped. It’s a long one today, but it’s important. Here we go:
It had been 26 years of sexual failure and I was at an all time low.
I was frustrated with sex. I felt like I was the only one who was a failure at it. I was angry at God because He had chosen to make me broken. I wanted to know what I had done to Him to deserve this. I was angry and jealous of my husband because he liked sex. He got everything out of it and I got nothing. Never mind hard to orgasm I felt NOTHING from beginning to end, it didn’t matter what I did physically or mentally that never changed. It was so bad that every time my husband saw me I was crying or angry.
In desperation I remembered years ago reading a blog about sex and so went to see if I could find it. I found Sheila’s blog around eight months ago and I secretly bought The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and read it over a couple of days. I was ASTONISHED to discover that I had this sex thing all wrong from the beginning. A seed of hope had been planted. As it sprouted hope once again was birthed but I was too afraid to water it as I had already been down that path numerous times and been disappointed.
I took time to really soak in the heart of Sheila’s message that sex is not about genitals and we had plenty of missing ingredients in our marriage, and as a result were in survival mode. It’s about the hearts of two people. It’s about emotional intimacy. That meant I had to get real with my husband. I had to be honest and say what it was really like for me. That was an extremely difficult conversation to have. The most amazing thing was that it was so liberating. This shameful secret was now out in the open and no longer had the power to hold me captive.
I spent hours surfing To Love, Honor and Vacuum and some other Christian women sex blogs about orgasm. I wanted good sound advice. I needed a new foundation. I became afraid that I had missed the boat because I was now post menopausal and every where I read that sexual satisfaction is almost zero. My goal was pleasure and orgasm. I would be happy and so would my husband. By now sex had become all about me and causing my husband anxiety and the ripple effect of that was causing problems in his own sexual performance.
I bought Sheila’s book 31 Days to great Sex. My husband was such a trooper. Every day we would read and try out things, but I was still struggling. The old resentment was coming back. Why bother with all this stuff? It’s getting better for him. What about me? I would have a nice feeling on an erogenous zone for two seconds and it would disappear and the old familiar deadness would return. We persevered but when I got to the day about orgasm for her and how to get there, I hid the book away. I just could not face that task. Arousal was still a problem and here Sheila was encouraging orgasm. I felt like I was back at square one. Where to next?
Replacing the Lies with Truth
Scripture gave me three mandates: First I needed to find the truth because knowing the TRUTH will set me free to experience the fullness of the gift God had blessed marriage with, secondly I knew I needed to take every thought captive and third but equally important I needed to think on GOOD things and my thoughts were not good about sex. I knew from reading Switch on Your Brain that I needed to find the truth. I needed something concrete to confront the lies in my thinking.
Confront your mental baggage and the causes of dysfunction
I needed help. I found a this great book: The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass PhD. Vivienne is a sexual therapist and her book was an amazing read. I learnt about five main types of orgasm difficulty’s and the twenty five causes of those difficulty’s. Each chapter gave me a key to unlock and set me free from the bondage of guilt, shame, frustration and anger. It was like she was reading my secret thoughts, my heart ache, she knew all about my dashed hopes and empty body and it was really alright. I felt safe. I felt like here was somebody who truly understood the emptiness of sex and not only that, she assured me it would be okay. The book ends with great practical advice for you as a woman and for you and your spouse.
Here are a couple to get you started:
- I don’t have the time for this it takes too long. WRONG. You are having sex so make the time to hyper focus, it’s time to break the vicious cycle and retrain your brain to acknowledge what your body is automatically feeling..
- Orgasm is the Goal. WRONG. The goal of sexuality is INTIMACY. It’s about enjoying one another wholeheartedly.
Sexual feelings are a bit like a tropical flower. They need tender loving care if they’re to blossom. Being relaxed (and awake) is an important ingredient in our sexual blossoming. – Vivienne Cass PhD. (Page 57 The Elusive Orgasm)
Confront your Church and Social Cultural Foundations
I did not realise the implications of my cultural perceptions of sex. Some of these were subtly taught and some were taught at school and at church.
- Remain pure until marriage – the Purity Culture have had an enormously negative impact on woman’s healthy sexual perceptions.
- Woman must remain pure (Men are the sexual ones) – Culture made abstinence (which involved any and all types of sexuality) solely my responsibility when in fact it is both a man and a woman’s responsibility. We are both created with a sexual side, that is healthy and God given.
- Avoid All Sexual Discovery – Sexual discovery is normal and healthy part of growing up and is not sinful, lust is. I had to now own my sexuality and start learning about it.
- It’s the Man’s job to pursue – It’s his responsibility to make me feel good and bring us to orgasm. We learn this from the romance movies, the two minute sex scenes from Hollywood and the erotica we read in our romance novels. I discovered that I had trained my brain that is what sex is and did not realise that it had a similar effect on our brains that pornography has. We learn arousal from an image not a person.
- Orgasm is the Goal – Being goal focused means always thinking ahead and what should or maybe. You need to live and feel in the now. To become FULLY PRESENT in order to become aware of what’s happening right now and to enjoy what is happening. That is the only way to start building positive moments, and it’s building one small moment on the next through each encounter that retrains your brain to anticipate and enjoy touch, and this in turn builds sexual arousal and pleasure.
- Sex is Genitals and Orgasms – Sexuality encompasses so much more. When we focus on genital stimulation and orgasms it’s like trying to drive a parked car starting in fourth gear. Sex is the way we look at our spouse, it’s the gentle hug that says you’re important to me, it’s breathing in one another’s scent, holding hands. This is the first step, this is where sex starts for all of us. My husband was just as surprised when I passed on this information I was learning through reading Rekindling Desire. Just as a manual car has five gears the author compares physical touch in relationships to each gear and it’s by reclaiming the basics, the joy and thrill of him holding my hand that restarts the car engine after it stalls, after all I don’t hold hands with just any man I only hold his!
Confront Sexual Shame – Break the Cycle
I was trapped in the cycle of no sexual feelings. My sexual response had become cut off because I was dissociated to what was going on in my body. I finally realized that this bad habit started way back when I was discovering my sexuality. The purity culture taught me it was ALL my responsibility and I was not to be sexual. Some of the sexual shame I had to confront with truth were:
- I was afraid I may get pregnant
- Sex is a sin, sex will make me impure.
- I need to be constantly on alert to what was happening because I was responsible. If we went too far I’d be called a slut or give this guy the idea it was ok to go all the way
- I had to watch how I dressed because it is my responsibility to make sure men do not lust. Confronting this has given me the freedom to enjoy beautiful clothing.
- Sexual attraction before marriage is wrong
Looking back I now realize that during moments of sexual discovery I was only vaguely aware of my body because I had disconnected my mind from my physical response in order to be on alert, I needed to make sure that I was not leading this guy too far and I needed to detect if anyone else was around and to keep from being caught. I now know that I had conditioned my mind to be disconnected from my body and carried that into my marriage and then over the last 30 years reinforced this bad habit. I went into marriage knowing it was ok to have sex but I did not know how to reconnect my mind to feel what was happening in my body.
Practically Speaking
I had to face the fact that there is no pill that will change my negative thinking and bad attitude. There is no short cut to remove my feelings of resentment or a special device to magically fix my sexual habits. I need to own that. It’s my responsibility. Not my spouse. Not God. Me. It’s MY responsibility, and I need to make the changes MYSELF for myself.
1. Start by Being Honest with Your Mate
Sexuality is both a team and individual sport. In a gentle manner ask him to help you learn and commit to working towards what it can be. Most of us woman learn sexual technique from our husbands. We expect them to know what to do, because culturally it’s expected. However we are not men–our bodies are different. Men in general tend to use a rhythm/method with us based upon their own personal experience, and when it doesn’t work, we assume we are broken. This is simply not true. Different is not the same as broken. These differences give a fullness and expression to intimacy that is simply not possible without acknowledging that.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Tell your brain he is touching you and you want to feel the goodness of his touch. As woman we run away in our heads from our bodies when sex doesn’t work because it feels safer, but in essence we are disconnecting our brains from our bodies. The thing is our bodies know what to do, we need to learn to connect our brains to our bodies to feel what is really going on.
3. Give Your Sexual Needs and Feelings a Place
It is so easy to start making changes and then forget to keep them up. Old habits die hard. It only takes one or two days of loosing sight of your thought and you’ll be back to where you started. Prioritise working on regaining what has been lost to you. You need a minimum of three sessions a week to break the old cycle and build a new one.
4. Understand That Sex is Not a Spectator Sport
If you treat sex like a spectator sport, forget it–nothing works. Your brain needs to be involved. And it needs multiple levels of involvement. When you spectate you disconnect and begin critiquing and that kills feeling. Spectating is the opposite of being present and will undo all the healing in your journey. When you find yourself spectating grab your mind and focus. My habit was so bad I had to HYPER FOCUS on what was happening in order to be present. I had to ask my spouse to not speak to me at all during our encounters because it was too distracting. I needed all my focused attention to make my brain be aware in order to feel what was happening.
6. Have a Biology Lesson
For most of us sex education consisted mainly of reproductive biology. However our sexual biology is very different from reproductive biology. Our sexuality was so important to God that he separated out our reproductive and sexual anatomy and made them to complement each other. I was rather surprised to learn about just how complex (can you imagine 8,000 nerve endings with the sole purpose of giving a woman pleasure!) the clitoris and is far more complex and encompassing than simply a little nob that needs the right rubbing.
7. Learn to Enjoy Non-Demand Touch
In essence this is any physical contact that brings pleasure without the demand for intercourse. Ask your husband to do three things: (1) Slow down his touch and his rhythm, (2) lighten, the pressure of his touch, and (3) take longer. Investing in non sexual touch is the KEY to reawaken your mind to the sexual pleasure your body feels, loves and craves and you need to feel and acknowledge in your brain. We were both surprised at the places that felt good to touch.
8. Confront and Get Rid of Sexual Guilt
Guilt and Orgasms do not go together if you have one you will not have the other. The truth is it’s time for me to enjoy my sexuality. I don’t have to feel guilt or shame and it’s okay for me to enjoy myself. God has given me this gift of pleasure to enjoy and I can do so guilt free. After all no gift should ever make the receiver feel guilty.
9. Stop Being Lazy
Jumping into sex at the end of the day or start for that matter by going straight to heavy petting and directly to genital stimulation (other than for a fun quickie) is LAZY. Sex is more than that; it’s an intimate physical conversation between you and your spouse. It’s about taking the time to say this is how much I love you and only you. You are the centre of my world and I appreciate all this about you. A word of caution this discovery takes time and oh my does it provide great benefits to both of you. Men too need to learn the benefits of receiving prolonged touch. Our culture teaches them to prime us for sex so they are unaware of just how much touch they too need. (We’ve both learnt things about each others pleasure that we had no idea existed even after nearly 30 years of a sexual relationship together!)
10. Coach yourself mentally.
Tell your brain he is touching you and you want to feel the goodness of his touch. As woman we tend to run away in our heads disconnecting from our bodies when sex doesn’t work. In essence we are disconnecting our brains from our bodies. The thing is our bodies know what to do, we however need to learn to connect our brains to our bodies in order to feel what is really going on. When I first started learning to feel I had to ask my husband not to talk because it took every ounce of my will to focus my brain and keep it in the game. It was hard work that took months of practise but slowly, ever so slowly the feelings came, at first they teased and flitted past but eventually they came and stayed. In the beginning those feelings would only appear for a second or two before disappearing. This is NOT a quick fix you will need to persevere because you have spent years training your brain to disconnect and it would rather follow the well trod path than forge a new one but I do promise that gradually your brain will learn how to catch those feelings and press into them.
11. Physical Response to Touch Takes Time to Learn
LEAN into what you feel with your mind. Think of it like the ripples in a pond when a pebble is tossed into it. Every nerve in your body is interconnected and is able to share positive feelings. This takes practise. Concentrate on the nice feeling and allow it to spread. Don’t expect to feel all over your body instantly.
12. Relax and allow your husband to touch you
This one sounds strange, I know. I was so wound up about not liking sex that every time my spouse touched me I would get so annoyed because I didn’t get anything out of it. A few months into my sexual reawakening I made a decision to relax and not fight him about where he wanted to touch me any longer. I had only one tiny area on my body that was not negotiable for me. It took a lot of practise to relax and train myself that this was okay and good. One day I was so very surprised to learn after a few weeks that wow I loved his touch on me and the most surprising aspect was that the places I enjoy having touched used to be the ‘banned’ areas from before… (Needless to say my husband is pleased too because he may touch and there are no more arguments over where his hands wonder 😉 )
13. Take the Time to Become Mentally and Physically Fit for Sexual Activity
The many years of sexual inactivity and neglect on my part came at a cost. When I first started working on reawakening love I discovered that within a few minutes I would be exhausted both physically and mentally. I learnt that it takes a few months to build up both the mental and physical effort needed for sexual activity. I had to learn that it was okay for me to be wholly involved for ten minutes to start with and then go along for the ride. Gradually my stamina grew and I could participate wholeheartedly till the end. It was and is worth this effort.
14. Most Importantly, Build Your Emotional Intimacy
Have an honest talk about your disappointment (remember to use I statements and do not blame shift) but do not dwell there, once you’ve talked it over set your focus on where you want to be and spend your time talking about the small victories (those tiny one and two second nice feelings), no matter how small. Focus on those; build on those. Give yourself permission to enjoy the slivers of good when they appear.You are worth it. It is there in you to enjoy.
Just as eating a healthy diet produces a healthy body what you choose to think about sex will produce the fruit of your experience. If you want to experience sexual pleasure and deep intimacy with your spouse it is important for you to consume the right information and meditate on healthy truth and choose a positive attitude. “I can’t” is a choice towards the negative. You will need to say YES to the things that will lead you towards your goal and no to all the negative thoughts and feelings.
It is no easy thing to reshape the negative you have right now in your life into something beautiful. I can tell you it is worth the effort because God is a God of redemption and He wants for me and you the fullness of His GIFT of INTIMACY in marriage.
You will need to make a firm decision to cut back on negative sexual thinking and actively increase your positive thought process towards sexuality. We tend to bring about what we think about. This is a scriptural principle: Proverbs 23:7 As a person thinks in his heart, so is he.
May you be radically and outrageously blessed on this journey to wholeness and redeeming love.
I’m so glad she shared her story, and I do hope some of her hints helped you. They really are so necessary. And I want to reiterate to every woman again: there is nothing wrong with your body. Like our reader said, there is just a disconnect between your body and your brain. You can do this–it just may take some time!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
It’s A from yesterday. The one with 7 kids 🤪. This is all very thought provoking. I will re-read this a few times as I think on it. I applaud this woman for her honesty and willingness to share her journey with us. I hope to be on the other side of this issue one day.
Thank you 🙂 I am still on this journey of re-learning and discovering what sexuality is for me and for my husband. It’s not easy learning this new skill but I do know it is worth the effort for me and for him.
Ugh, I don’t want to be the negative downer here, but I really didn’t see anything new. Yes, I’ve read the books (even Sheila’s) and the blogs and had high hopes in hearing from someone with similar issues. Oh well, its “only’ been 14 years, maybe I’ll be luckier next decade…
Please don’t give up! Keep looking for help, and in the meantime pray, pray to God for wisdom, selfless love and the ability to recognize what step to take next.
I was very, very naive when I got married and didn’t even know there was such a thing as an orgasm for me! Fortunately, I still had a positive outlook on sex in general, even though I did often wonder why my husband was clearly receiving much more pleasure than I was! My love language is touch, and my husband did not understand that it would make a huge difference PLUS it took us a number of years until we could talk about these things! It was my husband who slowly approached the subject of finding more pleasure for me. I was embarrassed, of course, but slowly we could communicate about it – ever so slowly. Like I said, I was so very naive about it all, and really thought, too, that it should just all come naturally! How very wrong! It took a few years but eventually we got it! And you know, as great as orgasm it, it’s not the be-all and end-all of sex. I know it’s really pumped up as such, but like I said at the beginning…I didn’t even know it existed, and so I learned to enjoy sex as much as I could with what I knew at the time! And I still mostly enjoyed it, which makes it no different than now…sometimes you enjoy it more than others!
I really don’t mean to sound super positive when you’re feeling really down about this, and I realize I didn’t need to wait as many years as you have but, I really believe that the communication between husband and wife is so crucial, and ultimately brings about intimacy in ways you never even expect! before you even have the physical aspect of it figured out! That alone is so worth the journey! My husband was very patient with me when I often just wanted him to stop pursuing it! Plus, i should also say that for us sex is what has carried us through many a challenge, and I believe that’s the case because it was the one area of our life where we connected well in spite of a huge learning curve.
Hang in there! God is gracious and patient! I will pray for you, and all others on this journey.
Oh Alex you are not being a downer. {{{hugs}}}
I had the same thought as you once I started looking back over my journey and researching Sheila’s blog. I suddenly realised that much of what I had learned was right here on her blog.
The difference is that the way I approached it had changed because I had faced my mental demons and I now knew I was not alone. I had always read this stuff and thought “whatever, you don’t understand because at least you have sexual pleasure I do not…”
I highly recommend that you read The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass Phd. She is a therapist who worked with woman like you and I and her advice and honesty really resonated with where I was. She never once put me down or said it’s all in your head. She gave me practical tools to overcome the pain and physical disfunction.
The reality is every single thing we do begins in our heads and then acts out in real life. We do need to confront our demons, we do need to heal our minds of the sexual trauma of failure and only once our minds heal will we be able to embark upon the journey of sexual healing.
Please don’t give up. Pursue this dream with two hands right now. You are worth the effort and you will not regret it at all. I only wish this information had been around for me 10+ years ago and that is why I shared my journey with you.
Blessings
Alex, don’t give up! Your problem is very frustrating and your pain is real. May I be kindly blunt. Take ownership of your problem. It’s not another program that is the solution. You are holding yourself back. Look in the mirror and own the problem. Solution? Take the whole pile of mess and surrender it to Jesus. It will be hard it will be difficult and you will have to surrender to where He leads. He will lead. James 1: 1-5 Persevere! Don’t give up! God loves you! God loves you more than His own life.
It would be really great to hear some responses/reactions from the guys on this mini-series! I know there are probably very few who can empathize, but I wonder whether it’s at all surprising to hear that getting pleasure out of sex when the partner doesn’t is so incredibly painful. Not trying to accuse, I honestly think men have trouble understanding the concept of not enjoying sex a lot of times.
Any husbands who have worked through this with their wives and can share the other side?
Hi Sarah
I agree I will ask my other half if he would be willing to share his journey here …
Over the last six months he has slowly revealed through snippets here and there what it was like for him, his fears, his dissappointment and heart ache
To be honest I had always thought he didn’t care when in reality he always cared. As a man he wanted to rescue me. To fix it magically. He felt a failure because he could not do it right to make it right for me (I have since learned it is impossible for any man to make it right. This is something each of us do for ourselves as we have to be open to receiving ANDactively giving in order for sexuality to work).
My wife has hard time reaching orgasm, and when she is unable to, it definitely feels very bad for me too. I think that that’s the case for the majority of men. When my wife doesn’t reach orgasm, I feel incompetent, I feel sorry that she will feel frustrated, and my not shared pleasure is not all that amazing.
Before I met her, I believed that orgasm is not so important for women, and that they enjoy sex a lot even when they don’t reach orgasm. I suppose it’s what I had heard or read. I am not sure who and why would propagate such ideas (but I have some guesses). In any case, my wife explained to me that it feels for her the way it would feel for me, and that surprised me a lot at first.
The solution that we found eventually, which works quite well for her, is foot massage followed by oral. It was a big relief for both of us to have a way that works most of the time.
Another thing that helps her a lot is if we spend some time every now and again kissing and caressing without the intention of going further. This way she can experience intimacy without worrying if she will manage to reach orgasm, and it puts her more in the mood for when later we go further. It used to be frustrating for me, as I got excited and wished we could go further, but it also helped me experience more intimacy.
Dean please don’t think that all women desire orgasm over pleasure. The valleys as well as the peaks are a very sweet place to be. Believe it when you hear that orgasm isn’t the goal for many women.
Sarah O: Thank you for the invitation to comment!! I’m a husband of 17 years, and I’ve only slightly experienced what is being described here.
To answer your question: Yes. I do understand how painful it can be when sex isn’t good for the partner, but not for me personally. There was a time when we were having kids that sex just didn’t do a lot for my wife. This was heartbreaking for her AND for me. I worked very hard to make sure it wasn’t just about me, and 14 years later we have the best sex we’ve ever had, and it keeps getting better…
I’m a man who is not ok if sex is just good for me. No man should be. God made women to be sexual beings (Hello! clitoris!?), but without a man to help her, she won’t get there on her own. And if a man is selfish about sex, and falls into the stereotypical male role in sex (men want it, women need to give it), then his wife will never be the sexual being she was DESIGNED to be.
I have my own question for the ladies on here: What does a sexual encounter look like for you and your husband? (for example, mine looks pretty much like this: Every day I frequently tell my wife I love her. I do things for her. I frequently hug, touch, and kiss her in non-sexual ways throughout the day/week/year. Before actual sex, we typically shower together, put skimpy clothes on, and snuggle up and watch a show. While watching, we touch and rub each other frequently. That’s all foreplay. Then we get into heavy foreplay, nipple 69, heavy petting, oral (non-male-orgasm-oral!), etc. Then lastly we move to intercourse. It’s very rare that my wife doesn’t orgasm at minimum 2 or 3 times. Average is over 5 or 6. I treat her very well in the bedroom, and most importantly out of the bedroom.)
Her mental state is only a small portion of the equation of good sex. The HUSBAND has to do his part to get her there, and to keep her there. If I’m a jerk all day and then demand sex at bedtime, I’m failing as a husband. Treat your woman well, and she will most likely have better sex.
BTW #12 above made my jaw hit the floor. After our first 3ish years of marriage, there were no boundaries as far as touching. Touching is vital to good sex.
I’ve been married to my wife for 21 years and I don’t believe my wife has had an orgasm, or even know if she wants to, honestly. She says she ‘thinks’ she has, but I told her if she only thinks she has, then she hasn’t. I believe she would know. I want her to get there. I’ve told her I want her to help her get there, but she doesn’t open up when it comes to sex – physically or emotionally. Intimacy is difficult. She wants it quick and over with every time. We’ve had the 31 days to Great Sex book since January (at least I got her to agree to it), and we’re on day 9. DAY 9!!!! In 8 months!!!! I told her I wouldn’t read ahead. Do you know how much this kills me inside? I don’t know what to do. I pray (we pray) together all the time. We have a great marriage, great kids… but there’s no fire in the bedroom. None. I romance her, I speak her love languages. I let her know every day how much she’s loved and valued. I so badly want to experience this (intimacy and her orgasm) as a husband, and want my wife to experience it for what God created it to be. I just don’t get it.
I think sex is over rated there is no marriage or giving in marriage in heaven .. hence no sex or orgasm no need you have God 24 7 eternal life more important than orgasm pleasures forever more…heaven is our goal not orgasm dah wake up people especially sorry you men grow up
You know, Christine, life isn’t only about what we NEED.
You don’t NEED to eat pizza ever. But we do. Why? Because it’s good! We don’t NEED to drink anything other than water. But we still like to drink juice or our favourite drink because–again–it tastes good!
God makes it really clear in His Word that life isn’t just about surviving until we die. He commands us, “Taste and see that the Lord is good, happy are those who take refuge in him.”
And again, Jesus says that He came so we can have life and have it to the FULL. Not just a bare-minimum-getting-by-with-no-joy kind of life.
No, an orgasm isn’t necessary for your survival. But if God has given you a gift through allowing you to marry, and you continuously decide to reject that gift by saying it’s not that important, don’t you think you might be missing out on something that God desires for you?
Orgasm isn’t more important than doing God’s will. Definitely. Which is why it’s important to remember that before we are married. But I challenge you to realize that when you get married, a full, satisfying sex life IS God’s will for your marriage! Reading literally anything in Song of Songs shows that. And the fact that God wants people to get married if they “burn with passion” for each other. Sex is a part of God’s desire for marriage–and not just sex, but sex that’s great for both of you.
Too often we shut ourselves out of God’s best for us simply because it requires too much of a sacrifice. We don’t want to be vulnerable, we don’t want to give up control, we don’t want to be bothered with the time it will take to work it out. But living in a marriage where you never really have sex or never have good sex is like only ever eating meals that are 100% tasteless. Yeah, you’ll survive, but you’re missing out on a key aspect of human experience.
Your last sentence concerns me, so let me be clear: you are not holier for not desiring orgasm. Your husband is not less holy for desiring to have sex. In fact, if you are in a healthy married relationship, I suggest you consider why you are the one in the relationship that is declining a gift from God. Because when we turn away from the things God has designed for us, it is often due to inner battles we are dealing with. It may sound holy to say “I don’t need sex,” but there’s nothing holy about creating intimacy anorexia in your marriage.
Yeah! A holy spirit amen! Go Rebecca!
I have never read anything more true than this!!!! 👍👍👎🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
As far as I can tell, this still boils down to “it’s all in your head” and “think positive.” Not that what’s written here is wrong or anything; it’s just not really much beyond what’s already been written in other articles. I think after so many years, the hardest thing is changing one’s attitude when it’s so foreign to everything you’ve experienced. It’s kind of like those Magic Eye graphics: if you know the trick of them, it’s just a matter of concentration to see the image, but if you don’t, no amount of relaxation and telling yourself there’s an image there will reveal it. You still have to do the right thing with your eyes.
Even so, it still takes two. In my case, I know my body is capable, and I know what kind of touch and mindset I usually need, but I can’t get the intimacy piece right, and so hubby’s touch doesn’t ever feel right. We don’t have dates except for watching movies, he barely touches me except when he wants sex even though I have said clearly that I need a lot of non-sexual touch, and when I asked him specifically to pick a way to get some help with our relationship, he refused all of the ideas I suggested. There were other things too. So there’s only so much I can do on my own.
I guess my point is that this lady’s approach will only work if you also have a cooperative spouse who wants better sex too. If his actions say that he just wants to use you to get off once a month or so (even if he doesn’t actually feel this way), then it’s not going to work.
Reiko in a sense it is in your head but I’ve learned it’s a different kind of in your head. Not the kind that you sing a mantra “it’s good it’s good” and magically it’s good. No that forms a “This is a lie” loop which sabotages your progress.
In essence every single thing we do begins in our minds, from what we wear, what we eat, what we believe or how we approach any task we have to accomplish every single day that we live. There is absolutely nothing we do that does not start in our heads.
If my husband approaches me for sexual connection I have two roads of thought/choice in front of me:
A – Sigh not again. This is so pointless. Nothing we do ever makes me feel good. All that’s going to happen is he is going to feel good and I’m going to fail AGAIN.
OR
B – Ok sex. What can I learn about me tonight. Let’s see how can I touch him to say I love you and I wonder what it will feel like when he touches me tonight ? Hmm and if it starts to feel good how can I PRESS my mind into that good so I can learn and grow from this encounter?
When I choose A the outcome is always the same. Failure. I know this I’ve practiced it for almost three decades. Nope I want something good and I want this for me tonight so I will exercise my right to choose and go with B.
So we may spend 45 min together and I may only experience 5 in of goodness. But I’ve chosen to wrack that up to 5 min of good experience I can use to learn from. To meditate on and explore in my mind when I have time.
Once again I have a choice:
A – focus on the 40 min of nothing or
B – focus on my 5 min of pleasure.
I know where A leads, to sadness, depression, anger and dissapointment. I wasn’t sure where B would lead so I chose that option. To my surprise option B was like sexual brain training. The next time the ripple in the proverbial pond grew bigger. The pleasure deeper and longer. Was it fast? No not by any means. In the begining the differences were not even noticable. BUT after four months of choosing option B the threads started to pull together and the experience improved overall.
It’s a different kind of brain game. It’s a sexual fitness training exercise. The kind where you need to retrain your brain to find out what your body already knows. This kind of mind training is what accident victims have to do in order to learn to walk, eat and speak again.
It’s not a thought training game. Typically thought training games are mere mantra’s you say in hope that the physical reality will alter. This simply does not work.
At the heart of sexuality is intimacy. Even today when we have sex but we are not deeply connected as friends it’s empty.
The problem of intamcy is one that can not be fixed in the sexual arena.
Lack of intamacy leads to lack of sexual connection and back to lack of connectedness. This is a visous cycle.
I’m so very sorry that your heart is hurting. God created us as woman to pursue emotional intamacy and for this to help the bond in marriage. I know that healing is possible. It is not easy. For you or for him. Bad habits/cycles are extreamly difficult to break and feel extreamly threatening to do so especially for men. Therapy is seen as for the weak.
Finding a way to go to therapy and find wholeness for your marriage will be a hard bridge to cross but you are both worth the effort. I pray and hope that the heart of your marriage will find healing and in turn your bedroom.
PS I can’t see those magic eye pictures either 😉 😀
I totally agree with Anonymous Author!
The real and deepest problem in marriage is about intimacy. It’s more about whether we feel valued and loved or on the contrary worthless. I would say it’s the case in relationships in general.
I just watch a Sid Roth’s broadcast: “Problems Communicating With Your Spouse?” with Craig Hill.
And I have to recognize that in each of our sayings or actions we send an underneath relational message. I mean each of us. Most of the time it’s not deliberate; but what is in our heart goes out automatically! And what we believe in our heart drives our lives.
So many scriptures about the heart!! We definitely need to learn more about it. (If I can advise you, listen to Jim Richards’ teachings on Impactministries.com; it’s life changing!).
But how the person responds must be an indicator and often we despise it (Don’t we? I did and sometimes still do), thinking “What’s wrong with them?” and we are quick to judge! (I know what he’s thinking, or why he says that) and we don’t go deeper although as children of God we can if we want to!
I use to think “Husbands are proud and wives are angry!” but could it be the response to how we/they feel being treated?
How many of us feel neglected?
How many of us feel judged? Although we judge others!!
I wasn’t Christian when I divorced the 1st time to go to another man who became my 2nd husband; and himself left me with a baby for another woman.
After years of arguments (particularly about education as his son from his previous marriage was living with us) and terrible relationship, in the midst of my struggles I cried out to God and became His daughter.
But before my 2nd husband left me, as I cried all the time complaining (even silently) about my husband’s selfishness, and praying “God I’m begging you, change him!” one day, as I was reading Matthew 7, the beginning of the chapter hit me and I knew it was God speaking to my heart: “Hypocrite!! Why do you look at the straw in his eye and you don’t see your beam? First remove your beam and you will see how to help him!”
And, saying “Judge not as you don’t know the heart, and you won’t be judged; and you don’t like being judged, do you?”, He asked me to apologize for my own part! I couldn’t believe it! “What? I didn’t do anything wrong! He is the one who…”
It was really hard for at that time my husband had a mistress and he didn’t talk to me anymore; but when I obeyed he was very surprised (at least!) and communication came back again.
He left anyway; being free for his own choices. Although he was not a child of God, and we couldn’t share the same goal, I have to admit (and it took me more than a decade to do so) that I am partly responsible for this failure as I knew nothing about relationships and about the will of God and the heart and so on; and instead of being respectful I was scornful.
So, I went through 2 divorces and this one was much more painful as he took his revenge on me for everything.
Now, I got married for almost 16 years to a man who really loves God; that does not mean everything is smooth at all! as he comes from a very bad marriage and suffered a lot too (may be worse than I did), that both of us need healing. I can say it’s coming and assure you “there is definitely hope!”
But what is Craig Hill’s message?
Being aware of this can change dramatically our relationships.
So, go on and watch this video.
Here is the URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqJ9b8jVk50
We need to learn what is love and how to express love too! As child of God, I assure you the Love of God is already in us! (go to impactministries.com!).
May the Lord help each of us. It IS His will as He loves us so much.
Esther (from France)
Well, after reading the last two posts, I’m enlightened.
This post, focusing on the physical, and Reiko’s comments, have made me realize I’ve been doing sex all wrong.
I started out working on the physical, thinking my body wasn’t working, looking for some magic elation button. I worked so hard, with no results, that my body actually shut down. I quit wanting to be touched at all. I dealt with months of aversion reaction. Not a good place to be. That’s when I started working on my mind and attitude. I had to think positive just to get my body back in the game of allowing sex. Mental gymnastics. That’s where I am now. Being sexual takes massive amounts of mental will power.
The thought of letting my husband slowly touch me all over, makes me cringe. But, that’s probably where I need to start.
God help me find the courage.
Reikio’s comment made me realize what I’ve been doing wrong.
The missing ingredient is intimacy! I’ve never felt intimacy through sexual contact. I’ve been trying so hard to remain sexual for my husband (men need sex) that I’ve gotten nothing out of sex for myself.
So, here I am. 30+ years later. Sex is a mental challenge. It’s become physically unpleasant, at time aversive, and I don’t feel closer or loved through sexual intimacy.
Are we sure it’s is worth it?
My mother had a little saying that keeps ringing in my ears:
When a girl was asked why she kept digging in a pile of manure, she answered, “With all this sh**, there’s got to be a rose in here somewhere!”
Why did God make sex so hard?
Hugs Disillusioned.
I definately hear your hearts cry. I remember feeling that way. I used to argue with my husband all the time. I could not stand being touched. It was awfully frustrating for him and for me. It wound me up so very much. I’ve come to slowly realise that the current culture we live in has painted sex in a very different light to God’s design. Culture says it’s all about the body. And when the body doesn’t work we feel we are broken and hopeless.
I now know so differently. It’s actually all about relationship at it’s very heart. It’s not about being hormone driven. Sex is actually designed to be the climax of an intimate relationship with another human being (pun inteneded 😀 ).
It’s about a relationship that is so emotionally close that their is only one way to go and that is physical union. Sadly our clulture lets us believe that sex is the physical magic that makes a relationship. This is the direct opposite of God’s design. :'( and the very reason so many of us are missing the depth and fullness of what marriage truly is.
I highly encourage you to read Sheila’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and steep yourself in God’s design.
After reading this I found reading The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass PhD well worth the time.
These two books were helpful in helping me untangle some of the deeper emotional issues that were hindering the intamacy in my marriage. I was challenged to face the anger and resentment I felt towards my husband and see it for what it was and how it was hurting me.
Please know you are not alone. I pray you have the strength and determination to go whole heartedly towards the fulness of what God has for you and your husband. May He heal you and strengthen you and enfold you in His goodness.
Being honest with your spouse is so important! Most spouses want their partner to be honest with them, even if it means an uncomfortable discussion. But the benefits on the other side of that conversation are well worth it.
I’m with Reiko and Alex. Nothing new here. In fact I skim read most of the second part of this series because it was repetitive and nothing profound. Interestingly, I used to be able to orgasm during intercourse (certain positions) but I haven’t been able to for many years. We’ve been ‘married’ for 20 years and have now reached a point of no sex at all. We sleep in separate rooms, because we both have busy jobs and simply sleep better on our own. I’m so degraded by him experiencing pleasure during sex and me experiencing jealousy and heartache, that we’ve stopped having sex. He doesn’t raise it with me…perhaps he simply doesn’t care either, or perhaps he knows how bad it looks to effectively ask to use my body for his own pleasure.
I still go back to thinking that it would seem sex is primarily for men. Would men have to read this sort of stuff to learn how to enjoy sex?! I think not.
Gillian, I’m sorry that you’re so frustrated. I really am.
And I know you’ve likely heard a lot of this information before, and it’s just frustrating.
But the thing is that there’s only a very, very small percentage of women who physically can’t orgasm (maybe 1%). For most women, the problem is honestly not physical. It really comes down to three things: What you do physically together; How you think about your spouse; How you think about sex. Unfortunately, fixing those three things is really thorny. It isn’t easy. And so i think people read this advice, and “try” it once or twice, but it doesn’t work. What I like about our anonymous author here is that she was determined and she tried repeatedly for a long time, refusing to give up. That really is what it takes.
It’s much easier to get this stuff right early in the marriage, before you’ve solidified all kinds of negative things in your mind. But even later you can reverse things. It just takes a lot of fighting–a lot of “taking every thought captive” and determining that you’re going to do things differently.
In your case, for instance, it sounds like you’re associating sex with so many negative things that it’s virtually impossible for your husband at this point to do anything that would help you. You have to untangle a lot of mess. Your own thinking patterns. Your relationship issues with your husband. A lot of things. And that will take time.
But I really do encourage you to do it. You’ll only keep building up resentment otherwise, and you’re missing out on how it can feel with your husband. I know it seems impossible, but it doesn’t need to be. So much depends on how you decide to think of things. I wish there were an easier answer, but there isn’t. But the good news is that with determination and a lot of prayer, you can get there. And when you do, you will learn so much about yourself and you will end up feeling a lot closer to your husband!
Hugs Gillian.
I’m so sorry you are hurting so very deeply. God is so graceous in that He has built into us woman the need for deeper relationships. Ones that bring fulfillment and when it goes wrong and we drift apart it is deeply painful. The purpose of this inbuilt design is to bring a deeper and fuller intimacy into the marital relationship.
I have felt some of what you are sharing at different points within my marriage and it took a lot of determination to face those demons and hard places within myself before I was able to look at healing our relationship.
I want to encourage you to read Rekindling Desire. I liked this book because the couple who wrote it talk to the heart of relationship and it’s outworking within marriage and sexuality. They use real life examples of couples who came to see them. The stories were helpful I could see the point of each chapter and how it inluenced how we got to where we were at. BUT it gave me hope and tools to use in my own marriage to bring about healing and take us to where we should be. It’s a practical book with the added benefit of telling you why the practical step is needed to bring about the healing and change needed within a relationship.
Know you and your spouse are worth the effort. There is healing and wholeness to be had but the choice is ours (I can’t do this is a choice too) and whether we want to untangle the painful web we are in. (We still are. It’s not easy to undo decades of heartache and pain and terrible habits) I pray you will find your healing and that together you will walk in the freedom of all a relationship is and should and can be.
That’s so sad!
I wonder, can you trace your cessation of orgasms to any specific event in your life?
For me, it was the birth of our first child. My body just doesn’t respond to my husband’s touch the way it did before my first C-section. It doesn’t help that he sometimes struggles with giving or following directions!😂 Or that he tends to rush things.
However, we have a very happy, tolerably frequent sex life! To me, sex is not about “men”, it’s about BONDING with MY man. I initiate often (2 or 3 times as often as he does, in fact), and derive tremendous emotional pleasure from pleasing him and being close to him. I approached him recently about trying to work back toward me having regular orgasms again, and of course he says he’s willing.
I didn’t get quite what I was looking for from this article either, as I think my lack of orgasm is rooted in something very different from the author’s. But it is very brave and generous of her to share her story and resources to try to help other women in her situation.
God bless her and you, and I really hope you find what you came here looking for!
When my wife and I got married twenty five years ago, neither of us had been married before. She was a lonely, high drive 40 year old woman and I was a lonely, high drive 29 year old man. The first number of years, our marriage bed was rocking with passion. Then fast forwarding past the birth of our son (when she was 43 years old) and the onset of Thyroid disease, she transitioned into menopause in her late 50’s and now is post-menopausal. Our emotional and romantic relationship has been strong but we had less and less sexual intercourse due to her progressing vaginal atrophy. The skin of her vagina has become so thin that she can barely stand for me to touch her or kiss her between the legs (which has always been a reliable way for her to orgasm). Sometimes, she is so sore that she says that she cannot even wipe herself with toilet paper. It’s a lot like re-scraping an already scraped knee and we know how painful that is!
When we both became aware that there were serious pain issues for her during intercourse, it was very difficult for me to handle emotionally. When we were having intercourse, I would hit a sore spot that she didn’t know about it and she would suddenly recoil in a spasm of burning pain. Of course, what caused the pain for her is my thrusting faster and faster as I started to get sexually aroused. The more I got aroused, the more pain and irritation it caused her. However, however, things changed one time when she cried out in pain just as I climaxed. After that I was emotionally finished. She encouraged me to finish our intercourse despite her pain, however, I could not do it any longer. I could not embrace and receive intimate pleasure from her while it was causing her to cry out in pain. I felt terrible and frankly, a little guilty. From then on, we tried to do sexual intercourse very carefully to avoid hurting her (with lube of course). I was always gentle with her but I tried to be even more slow and careful. In fact, I became so totally focused on her body and her reactions that I started to lose track of what was happening to me. If she would even start to act like she was wincing in pain, I would immediately stop and start wincing in pain myself in response. This focus on her body and feelings became such a trigger reaction that often she would have to advise me to “focus on my own body” and arousal because I was so tuned in to what was happening with her, that I sometimes couldn’t even get an erection. Ironically, focusing too much on her pain would cause me not get to aroused which would then caused intercourse to take longer which then caused her more pain.
The truth is that if you are a loving husband, you cannot freely climax while your beloved is yelling out in horrific pain. There is something almost barbaric about even trying to enjoy sex while it brings your wife burning spasms of pain. I was not able to do it and still can’t.
Last week, we visited a Naturopathic doctor who focuses her practice on women’s sexual problems. Her motto is: “No More Sad Vaginas”. Both of us are thrilled to find her because she believes that many couples give up needlessly on correcting sexual problems when the wife enters her post-menopausal years.
In last week’s appointment, our doctor had my wife laying on an exam table and proceeded to show me where the atrophy was occuring in her vagina and then went over treatment plans. We are going to start with a testosterone suppository to try to heal her skin and spark sexual desire. If that doesn’t work, then we will proceed with Vaginal PRP (blood platelet therapy) which our doctor says will fix most women’s problems with thinning vagina skin and incontinence.
Anyways, after the last few years of disappointment and frustration, my wife and I are moving on with our marital intimacy rather than just giving up on sex and sexual intercourse.
Oh Ed.
Being post menopausal myself my heart goes out to your wife. That has been a very difficult and heart rending journey the two of you have been on.
Estrogen is good therapy to heal vaginal atrophy. Ask your doctor about Estring. It’s a 3 monthly therapy and known to work really well.
I pray that together you will find healing for your wife’s physical issues.
You can see how it works here: https://www.estring.com/starting-estring#how-to-use
Anonymous, thank you for your well wishes for my wife — she greatly appreciates it.
I’ll look up the Estring product. I think that Dr. Heidi mentioned some types of estrogen therapy and bio-identical hormones during our appointment and see if Estring is one of the products that she advocates.
Blessings to you!
We need more men like you, Ed. Men who care more about their wife than about their own pleasure. More men who say “how can I experience so much pleasure while my wife experiences none/little/pain?”
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for your kind words Daniel — just trying to be real.
We have been married almost 4 decades and my wife still has not experienced an orgasm. We do not let stop us from having sex though.
My wife has too embarrassed to tell her doctor about her sexual problems. To her surprise, her doctor asked on a recent visit if she experienced any sexual difficulties and she did admit to them. She is now taking some new meds and maybe some day she will experience an orgasm…My advise to others–don’t give up!!
hugs to you and your precious wife Anonymous
Being on that journey myself I would encourage you and your wife to press forward and prayerfully ask God to show you what the key is to unlocking the gift He has for your both.
Blessings
I’m sorry to say that this also reads as nothing I haven’t already seen in my desperate search for hope that sex can be good for me at all. And once again, it comes down to my head. I have struggled with vaginismus since my wedding night (really longer, I just thought I was the one weirdo teenage girl who couldn’t wear tampons comfortably for some reason). I can’t hyper focus on microscopic moments of pleasure while I’m already having to hyper focus on just getting my pelvic floor to relax enough to just not hurt on penetration. I can’t talk to my husband anymore about how I’m honestly feeling about it; he’s been more patient than most men would be, but he’s frustrated that it’s always the same conversation and I’m frustrated that 5 years of effort have brought so little fruit. I’m honestly ready to just throw in the towel, let him have his fun the one time every 2 months or so that he asks for it, and be done with it. Who needs to know what an orgasm feels like anyway?
Becky, I’m so sorry, and I think for you it may be a very different process because of the pain issue. Has a physiotherapist been able to help at all?
And orgasm is something that you can experience without intercourse. It may help to be able to just let yourself go just through touching, so that you can at least experience that. But I do hope that a physiotherapist can help. Also, have you had any children? I did find that that helped me quite a bit. Again, I’m so sorry!
Two children. Both vaginal births, and I tore both times (among other pregnancy difficulties). The first time the tear didn’t heal correctly, which resulted in a minor procedure and my first round of PT. The second pregnancy threw my hip out of alignment (which I’m still having difficulty with well over a year later), which prompted the second and longer round of PT. The second therapist was much more helpful, and the pain is less than it used to be, but it still takes all of my energy and focus just to get through the act relaxed enough for that. The absolutely ridiculous amount of time it takes for me to get any foreplay pleasure out of it just isn’t doable with our kids being 3 and under, without actually having an overnight babysitter. With all of my physical issues plus the kids (and he wants a third, and I am honestly dreading going through another pregnancy and recovery), we attempt it so infrequently now that the whole thing feels as awkward as our wedding night to me. I literally don’t even know what to do. And he can’t help apologizing every time he has an orgasm, which makes me feel even worse. I honestly have lost hope for improvement in this area of our relationship anymore, so it’s probably best at this point to just focus on his needs and keep my expectations for myself low so I can at least stop feeling such a crushing sense of disappointment every time I even think of sex.
Most of the comments on this post are very sad. Makes my heart ache. I think Sheila’s latest post on Sex and laughter might help. I also think that many people’s problem, and in the case of this post, many women’s problems go back to control. Whether through trauma, fear, or personality traits, having to always be in control will sabotage true intimacy and pleasure. Being unwilling to let go of one’s self in a sexual encounter will prevent true pleasure and the ability to let the other person in. And, this is a difficult thing for those of whom it is true both to admit and then rectify.
Mike: What you are saying is directly contradicting what most of the hurting women in the comments are saying… Each one has said in a number of words; ‘it’s supposedly all up to me and my mental state to give in to my husbands sexual desires’. This is, at best, only 50% of the equation of good sex. It does not matter how willing or capable a woman is if her husband isn’t doing it right, or if he is simply selfish and unloving.
We ALL need to take your comment and apply it to ourselves: “Being unwilling to let go of one’s self in a sexual encounter will prevent true pleasure and the ability to let the other person in.”
This goes both ways, and for men it means making sure that our wife is getting what she was designed to receive. Women, as a general rule, and physical problems aside, are WAY more capable of massive sexual gratification. I think it’s us men who fail to help our wives mentally and physically have great sex. Sex is about more than orgasms and intercourse. It’s also about deep non-sexual friendship, intimacy, and… wait for it… TRUST.
THANK YOU Daniel! I considered responding to his comment but thought “really after all the pouring out of some of our hearts and this is his take away/advice?!”
What if you can orgasm during both intercourse and manual. But 90% of the time you don’t get there. But then you end up turned on and they go to sleep!! Sex does feel good but it’s sooo fusterating to almost get there every time but he finishes and you didn’t. It’s like I woke up to get turned on and left hanging! I’d rather even have sex! I swear he never can tell nor asks. He can tell I’m enjoying but really wanting a finally! Half the time I can’t get there cause I’m so worried he’s about to finish. Or I’m think he’s bored when doing manual or doesn’t do manual Ling enough for it to work. Or goes straight to intercourse. I’m ready to just give up too. There is also disappointment for us who can get there but rarely do!
That’s really too bad. I think in a case like this you simply have to tell him, and ask if you can start making love differently–making sure that you orgasm first. I know it’s a hard conversation to have, but he really should care about your pleasure, and he may think that you actually don’t if you never talk about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this–but do talk about it! And if it’s easier, 31 Days to Great Sex may give you a way to.
I often wonder what men would do if the roles were reversed for a few months for every man who’s wife didn’t orgasm? I have to imagine that men would be very willing to figure out why they can only orgasm 10% of the time… I know I would. And I would likely say that something is wrong, and not just with me.
If there are men out there reading these comments, make a comment of your own. It would be interesting to see how many men on here are able to give their wife an orgasm every time. And if you don’t, how often is enough for you? How often is enough for her? If you could only orgasm 10% of the time, is that enough, or would you want to figure out how to get 50%? 75%? 90%? Dare I say men should expect to orgasm 98+% ??? If that’s the case, why is it ok if she gets less than 98+% ???
Any men out there who actually only orgasm 10% of the time? Let us know… Anonymously…
Daniel, I think this is a really excellent point, and I may just write a post on this, too. Thank you for bringing it up! I’m working on a course right now to help women reach orgasm, and I’ve decided I really have to address the men, too, because it isn’t something a woman can fix alone. And I do wonder how we can better raise boys to think that their job is also to make sure that their wives feel pleasure.
What a wonderful two posts!! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!!
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have a 1 year old. Prior to that, we dated for 4 years starting in our sophomore year of college. He had one sexual partner before dating me and before becoming a Christian. I’ve only ever been with him.
My question for you (& anyone else who wants to chime in) is how do you know it’s an orgasm when you achieve it? Sometimes I think I’ve had one before and sometimes I’m not sure. I’ve researched this online a lot and the articles always say “you’ll know when it happens” (gee, how helpful) and recommend I masterbate to find out what I like. But because of my Christian upbringing, I have a strong anti-masterbation stance/mental block. I’m fine if my husband and I find out what I like together, but I just can’t bring myself to touch myself on my own to see what feels good. Also, the couple times I’ve attempted to do that, it didn’t feel like much of anything… nothing sexual by any means. Just like how scratching an itch on your leg feels good when it itches.
And when my husband touches me down there, I literally can’t handle it! It just feels like an intense tickle and I can’t take it, and end up squirming away in a fit of giggles. Lol, that’s a mood kille for him. Is that what people mean when they say orgasms feel intense? I honestly have no idea.
We’ve tried prolonged foreplay, “her night” where he focuses solely on me, and while I love all ththe we things, I can’t seem to handle the actual clitoral and vaginal touching when it comes to that part: the clitoral part feels to intense and the vaginal/g-spot part doesn’t feel like much of anything.
Also, I’ve asked my gynocologist about this, and medically, there’s nothing wrong with me. She said it’s all in my head. Ugh!
Natalie,
Do you mean any touching down there, like through underwear or pants, or just direct skin contact? Are you well lubed, or no? I’d be curious to know if a lot of foreplay and getting very horny (and wet) would affect the sensitivity in one way or the other. Have you guys tried oral on you? Perhaps a tongue would feel different and not tickle so much?
I’m sure with the help of my wife, I can come up with a lot more suggestions… 🙂
Thanks for the tips, Daniel. I know my lubrication isn’t the issue, so that’s one thing that can be crossed off. From what I’ve experienced thus far, indirect contact including through clothes feels like a non-sexual massage (except it’s in a sexual place), as does any oral that we’ve tried. And then the direct clit stimulation sends me into a fit of giggles and wiggling away from the overwhelming tickling sensation.
A week or two ago (right after I made this first comment), I discovered my husband has had a 15 year porn habit (since he was 13) which started off as dirty magazines from his dad and morphed into Pornhub and the like. So now, I’m sure there’s more to complicate this issue than just my inexperience. I’m sure his view of the clitoris has been 99.99% shaped by porn. Plus, he’s morbidly obese and has a food addiction (2 things I’ve done all I can for, but you know the saying about leading the horse to water vs the horse drinking). So that’s a third thing we have going against us. Thankfully, he’s been really receptive to the many posts of Shiela’s that I’ve shared with him in the past couple weeks… so much so that he installed Covenant Eyes himself on all our devices and signed himself up with a local weight loss clinic (something I’ve been after him to do since before we got married). He said he didn’t realize until reading those articles (& the ones from Fight the New Drug) just how hurtful his addictions were to me. He knew it conceptually, but didn’t understand it deeply. I’ve seen a night and day transformation in his personality and motivation in the last week, and that gives me a lot of hope for our just-okay marriage and essentially nonexistant sex life. So I’m sure as things pick up and we start experimenting again (since we haven’t really done that in a couple years), we’ll find something that works eventually (be it a year or 26 years like this post’s author). I’m hoping it’s much sooner rather than later 😉 cuz I’d like to finally enjoy sex physically and spiritually in addition to emotionally.
After some thought, and conversation with my wife, let me share some of her thoughts.
From my wife:
For me, that area is overly sensitive when I have not had enough foreplay and am not already pretty horny. Direct stimulation needs to be a bit later in the game for me. It also seems like there are times of the month when it is just more sensitive than others.
Honestly, if they have only been married 5 years, it might just take more time to learn about her body and get her there. I would think oral would do it if her husband spends enough time and tries a few different techniques, and she is able to relax into it.
From Daniel:
A few thoughts on what my wife said.
1. “enough foreplay” is a term that will vary from one person to the next. Perhaps enough foreplay is 30 seconds for some, and for others it’s 30 minutes. Also on this subject, enough foreplay doesn’t simply mean, “I rubbed her left nipple for 30 minutes”. For some, perhaps unwinding, and relaxing is key, as well as a husband who will take the time to touch softly and slowly on many parts of the body, not just sexual ones. My favorite parts are the sexual ones, but those are not always the ones I touch most. The inner thigh, and the crotch between the vagina and thigh are quite nice. Or, during foreplay, simply caressing her neck, chest, breasts (not nipples), nipples, lower back, stomach, and anywhere/everywhere else. The point is, “enough foreplay” may not be what you think it is. After 17 years of marriage, that definition has changed MANY times for us.
2. Sex is a team sport that takes many years of practice to get right. It’s never perfect, and you should never settle for what you have now. Always look for more ways to have fun. Take advantage of every opportunity to love each other, and avoid saying and doing things that are hurtful.
I hope that’s helpful. If you want to continue this conversation, just let me know.
Thank you Daniel (& his wife) for your excellent insight. #2 is especially important I feel!
I didn’t see your reply till just now, but over the past month or so, A LOT has changed in my sex life with my husband (as I’ve mentioned in other posts’ comments).
My husband read some comments I posted about what to do if you’re sexually unsatisfied with your morbidly obese husband and can’t get your mind in the right place to enjoy sex in the moment (which is where I’ve been for almost all of our 4-year-long marriage). That REALLY hit home for him, seeing my question there on the screen, asking for help from people I’ve never even met. It really changed something in him in a way that NOTHING I’ve tried in the past has done (& I’ve tried pretty much everything every way it can be done!). That same week, he joined a professional weight loss clinic and has already loss 17lbs in one month!! (And that’s with me, his at-home chef, being out-of-town for most of that month, and him having to cook for himself which he’s never done in the past! So talk about some seriously motivation and determination on his part!) Needless to say, his motivation REALLY impressed me! His big belly (which has gone from HUGE to being very big now) still gets in the way during sex, but somehow, that literal mountain that used to be between us doesn’t seem like such a barrier anymore when we’re intimate (for me especially).
We’ve both been reading this blog, and I think for me at least, it’s helped train my mind to think more about sex. I think about sex at least several times a day now, and I make sure to tell or text my husband something sexy when it crosses my mind, as he now does to me too. We like to text our fantasies to each other (mainly where we’d like to have sex, time of year, snowing outside, on a rug in front of a fireplace, stuff like that). This has made both of us be in the mood more often (not to mention that my husband has stopped his porn habit too).
Just tonight, I came the closest I’ve ever come to orgasming. I started to feel tingling / numbness in my hands, arms, neck & sides of my face / head, and like I needed to pee really badly. I know that thinking “Oh my gosh! Is this it?!” led me to not actually orgasm, but that’s definitely the closest I’ve ever gotten / most sensation I’ve ever felt from sex. Plus, it was really fun getting there!! It felt like an adventure we were both on: to find what makes me feel good sexually. So to anyone else who comes along this comment thread in the future, here’s how I got my mind and body to that almost-orgasm stage:
1) When I get something in my mind, it’s hard for me to let it go until it’s resolved. So since I’ve been REALLY dissatisfied with my sexual satisfaction for the past several years, I’ve reached a breaking point and am now moderately obsessed with fixing it and finding a way to get pleasure from sex and experience that release (plus more emotional and spiritual connection with my husband). So getting to that “breaking point” of wanting to make a change so badly is the first step. If you don’t care or have given up hope that it’ll ever happen, it won’t happen because of your attitude. Attitude and your mindset are the most important things!
2) I find that reading about sex makes me think about sex more (obviously!). So I’ve started reading this blog daily / every other day. Thinking about sex that much (which is definitely a change from how often I thought about sex before, which was maybe a couple times a week, usually due to an advertisement or something vaguely sexual on TV) has led me to question what makes me feel sexy and what turns me on. I’ve recently lost 15lbs of baby fat and am really confident in my body right now. I now love wearing lingerie and being naked. This body confidence (& smaller size) has inspired me to buy some sexy lingerie sets. (Plus, hubby loves it when I text him some pictures of option A or B and he has to choose. He always chooses the skimpiest black one lol). Plus, when I wear lingerie, it instantly makes me feel sexy and turns me on. I like to think of what my husband’s reaction will be to it as I’m putting it on. I’ll also think about how his touch will feel when he “unwraps” me, and how nice and warm he is next to me. Add some perfume and, bam, that gets me into the Desire/Excitement phase (which is phase 1 of 4 in the sexual response cycle).
3) With my husband’s mindset shift about his weight and his new-found motivation and subsequent weight loss, I now find him and his attitude and everything about him sexier (plus, he has more energy for sex now too). And my new attitude towards him has changed his attitude towards me sexually (he’s starting to initiate more again instead of being afraid I’ll shoot him down because of his weight). That and he’s been reading Sheila’s articles about giving your wife pleasure. Even though we’ve always talked about everything and had excellent communication (even over-communication to a fault), we had some crossed wires about sex: I thought he was more experienced and knew more about the female body than I did (which isn’t much since I was raised to not touch myself down there, and that because of menstruation, vaginas were dirty and smelly and something to be self-conscious about). Turns out, we both knew pretty much nothing except for the anatomical basics (& the “techniques” he learned from porn, which were the first things he eliminated from his mental catalog of sex skills, since they felt so awful for me). Thankfully, we’re both quick studies, so we overcame that hurtle in one day of bodily exploration. That was fun too, because I love feeling his hands on my body when I’m turned on (see steps 1 & 2).
4) So once I’ve mentally prepared myself for fun / sexy / intimate sex later in the day, put on my lingerie and perfume, texted my husband about how much I’m looking forward to being with him, made sure the kitchen/house is all clean and there’s nothing else for me to worry about, and once the baby is down for the night, that’s when we start to experiment. And I use that word because I don’t go into our sexual encounter expecting to have an orgasm. I know that I’m still learning what I like, and he’s still figuring out the right pressure / angle / technique to use. I just go into it expecting to have a fun time uniting with my husband.
So far, we’ve discovered I love lots of kissing and caressing from him in the beginning (rubbing his hands along my sides and up to my breasts (NOT the nipples!), rubbing my thighs and butt, rubbing my back up to the nape of my neck, holding my face with at least one hand while he kisses me and uses the other hand to caress my body, etc). As I get more into it, I tell him to touch my vagina. Experimentation has taught us that I like circular strokes with medium pressure that occasionally passes over the clit. But what I like evolves as I get more aroused. Then (sorry, some may consider this TMI), I find that I like it if he continues the circular, medium-pressure motions with his mouth and uses his hand to put a finger or two inside me and put firm, steady pressure against my g-spot area (still don’t know where that spot it exactly, so he puts pressure over the whole general area). Sometimes he’ll just hold that firm pressure on the inside, and sometimes he’ll do a light but firm tapping motion. Meanwhile, his spare hand is still exploring my body (my sides, thighs, breasts, etc). The biggest thing here is that I’m telling him what feels good, what was feeling good but now isn’t so he should switch back to what he was just doing a second ago, etc. A combination of all the above moves plus me communicating to him what’s feeling good is what led to me finally reaching the pre-orgasm stage, which I must say, I was ECSTATIC to finally reach! So much so that I may have inhibited myself from having an orgasm during that encounter just from thinking about it with anticipation lol. We’re looking forward to trying again tomorrow or the next day… but probably tomorrow because this “quest” has skyrocketed my libido. :p (Oh, also, when I started going numb in the face and hands/arms, I told him to insert himself because that’s what I wanted really badly in that moment, but he only lasted 1-2 minutes or so – maybe less, time was passing so quickly it seemed – before he came since all that working on me got him REALLY hot and ready. Next time, we’ll know to not have him insert himself till later or maybe even after I’ve orgasmed, whenever that is).
And yes, I would agree that a good percentage of why I haven’t orgasmed is just due to my husband’s inexperience with my body (especially since we’ve been pretty sexless the past several years)… and my own inexperience with my own body, if I’m being totally honest. Having him touch me more now every time we have sex has made me more comfortable with me touching myself in his presence and showing him what feels good in that moment. Plus, watching me do that (even if I’m more in an academic mindset while I’m showing him) turns him own, and watching him get turned on turns me on…. it’s a good cycle to be in. 😉 Good luck everyone! Just have fun with the experience and enjoy each other and thinking about what an amazing person you married!!
Natalie; Yeah, probably TMI… lol!! However, I hope your husband reads it…
Wow, I have to say, I love hearing your story, and it makes me so happy to hear that things are looking up for you two. I’m really glad he’s taking the time to touch you all over… NOT the nipples! I lol’d at that part, but it’s a part that I think a lot of men sorta skip. Non sexual body part touching is almost as important as sexual body part touching. Because, let’s be honest, you can touch any part in a sexual manner.
The more you learn to trust your husband, the more willing your mind will be to let you get in the mood. And the more in the mood you are, the more in the mood your husband will be. As you stated, men get turned on when their wife gets into it. Keep up the good work!
Lastly: Making each other horny is incredible. As you said “it’s a good cycle to be in”
Keep us posted about that orgasm you’re bound to have!
So, as promised, I’m commenting back now that I’ve finally joined the orgasmic wives club! I’d like to describe in detail what led up to it, because I think that’s really the key as to why I climaxed this time and not previously. Though I won’t add all the graphic sex detail like I did in comments above (sorry!). First, here’s some backstory:
As I’ve commented elsewhere, my husband and I have been together for 9 (almost 10) years and married for 4 (almost 5) years. He’s my best friend, we’re extremely comfortable together, we have very complimentary personalities, and I’m not worried in the slightest of embarrassing myself around him or not fully opening up to him. All that led me to believe that once we were married and having sex, it would be an enjoyable sex just like God intended it to be. I was also one of those who thought orgasms just kinda happened for women when the sex was good, but that they didn’t happen to all women or even most, and that that was just something Hollywood portrayed… that orgasms were closer to fantasy than reality. It wasn’t until this past year when I started researching & getting involved in this community of comments on Sheila’s blog that I realized that wasn’t the case, that women should be experience pleasure and orgasms during sex regularly (perhaps not as often as their husbands, but definitely more than a handful of times over the course of their lives!).
The church I grew up in was very pro-sex within marriage, and taught that it was a beautiful act of love and unity created by God for married couples. But they also taught that sex toys were a form of worldly perversion, any form of touching yourself / masturbation was a sin against your future spouse and thus against God, and also never really mentioned anything about the fact that women can and should be experiencing as much pleasure from sex as men do. Honestly, I hadn’t heard that message from the Christian community till finding this blog last year at age 28! Sex had never been super stupendous for me and was honestly kinda boring. But after reading here, that’s when it clicked that the reason I didn’t like sex as much as other people seemed to was because it’d never felt incredible for me. (Plus, my husband was using porn behind my back for all of our dating and married life, so there wasn’t much intimacy during sex anyway. It just seemed very physical and transactional for most of our marriage. But we got Covenant Eyes this past summer, and his end of our sex life has made a total 180!! Not only do I enjoy it more and there’s more intimacy, but he feels the intimacy too and also lasts way longer, has a harder erection and has longer orgasms even though we now have sex just as frequently as he used to masturbate to porn).
This past summer when my husband and I started to have a shift in our marriage and sexual outlooks, I was very much opposed to sex toys. I still thought they were 100% bad and sinful all the time, and that no Christian should ever use one for any reason. But as my husband and I increased the frequency of sex, ditched the porn, and started working towards making me orgasm, it just didn’t seem to be working for me. I’d get to the point where it felt really good, but after 1.5-2 hours of it feeling really good, it’d start getting boring and oversensitive. This went on for 6 months. I started getting frustrated with sex. My husband started getting frustrated too, but also took it as a personal hit against him and his sexual prowess and ability to please me not only in bed but in life in general. He took it really personally and it started effecting his self-image, which is already not super great because of his weight and body issues. Simultaneously, I found Sex Talk For Christian Wives and The Generous Husband amongst others.
After listening to/reading those, I decided that our situation was one of the ones where sex toys may actually be more beneficial than harmful to our marriage. So I took advantage of some Black Friday deals online, and bought myself a clitoral vibrator (nothing that would be inserted into me, since that’s the role of my husband). It came in the mail right in time for my husband’s birthday. I had him open it as his birthday present. Since he’s been saying maybe we should try a vibrator for some time, he was very happy to open it and we tried it right away that night. But it didn’t bring me to orgasm that time. That sexual encounter felt the best out of anything I’ve ever felt sexually before, but it didn’t bring me over the edge. We were both disappointed, but since it was his birthday and thus his night, we didn’t worry too much about it and focused on him.
Two days later, we decided to try again at my husband request via text message that morning while he was at work. That thread of text messages morphed into us sexting back and forth, which put me in the mood for whatever was to come that night. But when he got home, I was on the couch with a bad headache (we have a 1.5 year old and I’m 16w pregnant). When my husband came in the door and saw this (even after his abnormally frustrating day of dealing with incompetent contractors and office politics), he jumped into action and gave our toddler son dinner, bathed him, dressed him for bed and read him some stories… all I had to do was rock and sing the baby to sleep (since that role can’t really be matched 100% by anyone but mom). All while he was tending to the baby, I was on the couch relaxing and drinking the water he’d given me (turns out I had a dehydration headache) and receiving text messages from him telling me what he wanted to do to me, where he wanted to do it, what he wanted me to be wearing, etc. As my headache started to go away, those text messages helped get me in the mood. While I rocked the baby to sleep, he shower to freshen up. When I left the baby’s room, I found my black see-through robe from our honeymoon folded on the floor right outside the door. So I snuck into the bathroom, put only it on, and met him in the bedroom, which he enjoyed the sight of immensely. The first thing he did after giving me a long deep kiss and putting his hand on my lower back was to give me a massage… no immediate touching of the genitals like he likes to do, no going for the nipples immediately which he also likes to do. Apparently he’s been reading Sheila’s blog and some of the others I’ve shared with him, cuz he was hitting all the right notes!! After a 15 minutes massage, I was thoroughly relaxed and turned on. That’s when a make-out sesh happened like we haven’t had since college! It was deep and long and intense! From there, he started giving me oral, and after several minutes of that, introduced the vibrator on its lowest, most constant setting while he fingered me.
Due to all the foreplay and how ready I was, that was exactly what I needed right then! It only took 5-10 minutes of that for me to orgasm! I finally felt the arousal, the plateau, and then the quick assent of blood rush and finally the climax and recovery. My husband also said he noticed physical changes in me that he’s never seen me do before: veins in my neck popped out as my neck tensed up, my face got red, apparently my moans turned into actual crying right before I orgasmed (something I don’t recall happening)… that’s how he knew it was an actual orgasm and not just more of the feel-good experience with no climax that had become our regular experience before. Once I was in the recovery phase, he asked if I wanted to stop, but honestly I didn’t, so he just kept on doing exactly what he did before. And I orgasmed again in 2 minutes flat! Then a third time! After three times, I was beat so he stopped, and we had penetrative sex (which he SERIOUSLY enjoyed because of all the build-up he experienced visually himself). We both agreed that was so far the best sex we’ve ever experienced in our lives!
We’re going to try to work up to vibratorless orgasms for me eventually because I don’t want that to be the only way I’m ever able to orgasm. But my husband actually said that (at least for now) he prefers using the vibrator because it requires less of his focus and he can be more present and watch me orgasm more than if he were only using his hands and mouth. And watching me orgasm greatly increases his pleasure and feels more intimate for him, thus increasing the sensations of his orgasm. So that’s where we’re at right now. Just goes to show that everything Sheila writes about as far as setting the mood and foreplay is SO true! It was an incredibly bonding, intimate experience, and honestly, I can’t get enough of it! I want to experience that again today and every day! The physical pleasure, the closeness, the feeling like there’s no one else in the world in that moment except you and your husband, the feeling like you two are literally one… it’s a kind of sex I’ve never experienced before. Now I know what Sheila and all these bloggers and commenters are talking about when they talk about that level of intimacy. And I’m SOOOO glad my husband and I were finally able to experience that together!
By reading the title I thought I’d relate to this but I feel more discouraged. I realize I’m just with a selfish husband after 12 years he won’t kiss me anymore it’s been years since we’ve kissed or touch me I’m used for his pleasure only. I’ve read the books, begged him to go to counseling with me, begged for kisses, foreplay, anything to make it less painful for me and he jumps to saying “I’m not good enough”, he thinks he’s the victim. I thought our sex was normal until I started reading blogs and also hearing how passionate and great sex was supposed to be and MUTUAL! I don’t think he’ll change I’m either gonna have to get divorced or accept that I’ll never experience real intimate touch or enjoyment since he refuses to touch me or help me enjoy it.
I’m sorry, Sarah. That’s so wrong. There is another alternative, though. You could simply say,
“Honey, I want to make love to you. I want to have an amazing sex life. But I am no longer willing to be treated like a sex object. I am more than willing to make love, where it’s about us feeling good together. But sex has to be about me, too, not just you, or I’m going to have to say no.”
That’s not refusing sex. That’s refusing to be used.
You could also suggest something like working through 31 Days to Great Sex together, which takes you step by step through how to build a great sex life. I hope that helps!
And what if you have spent over a decade practicing and doing all these steps and still NOTHING? It’s not me, it’s not him, it’s not church and societal culture, it’s not trauma, it’s not not taking enough time to touch, to focus on non genital pleasure. It is simply the fact that my husband’s penis is too small to be of any pleasurable worth. I can orgasm with oral sex. But if that is all there is to sexual pleasure and penile penetration produces absolutely no feeling nor pleasure then am I supposed to just be happy with oral sex?
All this advice and pumping up of women to do things differently, to have a better perspective etc is all cute. But the bottom line is that sometimes size matters and you get stuck with the tiny end of the stick in marriage.
I waited for sex until marriage and ended up with a husband whose penis is barely 4 inches erect and 1 inch in diameter. I have done all kinds of abdominal and kegel exercises to tighten up. I have prayed, fasted, even surrendered the desire to seek sexual pleasure as necessity to marriage. I spent many years happy with oral sex but reading all these Christian blogs promoting healthy sex just adds to my frustration. Sometimes there is just no solution. What then?
What do you do, if you’ve lost that spark and desire for your husband. You still love him… But don’t feel any sexual attraction?
Such a common problem, Kassie! Sometimes it’s that sex has become boring, and sometimes it’s that the relationship has become boring or distant. Figure out which one it is, and then work on that! If it’s your relationship, I have a free email course to help you connect again. If it’s sex (or even a combination!), in our Orgasm course we take you through exercises to figure out what’s the big thing holding you back. I hope that helps!