Are men always the ones with the higher sex drives?
Nope.
Sometimes it’s SHE who wants sex far more frequently, and this week we’re going to talk about that! Here’s the funny thing about talking about “higher sex drives” and “lower sex drives”. It’s all relative. What might be high for one person may not for another. It’s the relationship dynamic. So I want to spend two days looking not really at highER drive wives, but simply at HIGH drive wives. Do you get the difference? Wives who have a high sex drive when there’s nothing really bad going on with the husband. Nothing’s wrong with him; this is just how you both ARE. Then I want to spend three days looking at some of the things that may be causing his lower sex drive–if there is a problem (and there honestly isn’t always a problem at all!)
We’re going to jump into this with the amazing J from Hot, Holy and Humorous. She writes great things about sex, and she’s here to talk to us from the high drive wife perspective.
I am the higher-drive spouse. Without a doubt.
It’s not always been this way. We were equally matched when first married, and I had next to no drive after the births of my children. But for at least the last decade, I’ve been the spouse who cares more about making sex happen regularly and passionately.
And it’s not because he’s into porn — my husband isn’t and never has been. He isn’t having an affair. He’s not facing arousal or erectile dysfunction. He is 100% heterosexual. We have a great marriage. And while he does have diabetes, which can be a challenge, that condition hasn’t affected his sexual interest as much as his in-the-moment physical ability to engage.
So why doesn’t a healthy man with a gorgeous wife — hey, his words, not mine! 😉 —want to engage more frequently in sexual intimacy? Why am I the instigator two-thirds to three-fourths of the time?
If this is your situation, let’s talk. First off, let me establish this:
It’s normal to be a high-drive wife.
Many of us extra-juice wives have wondered if there is something wrong with us. Are we freaks? Nymphos? Biological anomalies that should be studied under microscope?
But nope, sexual interest exists on a spectrum, and we’re just on one end of it. Some people are more sexually initiating and some are more responsive. More men are on the sexually initiating side, but women are represented there too. And if one of us marries a man who leans the other way, well, there you go.
Statistics aren’t solid in this area, but experts believe that in 15-30% of marriages it’s the wife who has greater sexual interest.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”It’s not always the husband with the higher libido. Here’s reassurance for wives with the higher drive–you’re not a freak, and you’re not alone!” quote=”It’s not always the husband with the higher libido. Here’s reassurance for wives with the higher drive–you’re not a freak, and you’re not alone!”]
Now, let’s talk about what’s going on with the men. Because I have several theories about husbands without major issues who are less interested in sex.
Men’s Lower Sex Drives: Past vs. Modern Day Demands.
Imagine with me the historical hunter-gatherer and agrarian societies, in which men went outdoors and performed manual labor to provide for their families. Now imagine the typical work setting today, in which many men labor in offices or homes with more small muscle skills. You know what that does to testosterone?
Vitamin D is linked to testosterone levels, which correlates to sexual interest, and the bulk of it comes from the skin’s exposure to sunlight. Indeed, a research study showed that men with enough Vitamin D also exhibited higher levels of testosterone. Exercise also has benefits for testosterone levels. The effects are not as long-lasting as some other T-boosters, and over-exercise can actually lower testosterone, but moderate exercise can increase testosterone and thus desire.
So some of what we’re seeing is likely linked to men not having enough opportunity to soak in the sun and work their muscles. Moreover, there’s a psychological effect for men in having felt like they brought down the beast, dragged it home, and provided for their family — and now, they’re ready for some lovin’. Maybe that sounds stereotypical or even sexist to you, but I don’t believe the male instinct to go out in the world to achieve and then return home for solace is a bad one. It’s just that how that happens in our modern-day world has changed, and our biology hasn’t fully adjusted.
Men’s Lower Sex Drives: Work and Life Stress.
It’s stressful to be a woman. But you know what? It’s stressful to be a man too. I talk to enough men to know they are often juggling many roles, including husband, father, coach, church leader, manager, employee, etc. They feel the pressure of work, parenting, and finances. They wonder what difference they make, what legacy they’ll leave.
Stress increases cortisol, a hormone that dampens sexual desire. However, stress also just keeps us physically busy and mentally occupied. Men under stress may lack the time and energy to connect intimately more often with their wives.
And while you can take steps to remove stress, and should, some of it is unavoidable. If you have to pay the next bill, you have to go to work. If you’re raising children, you have to care for them. If you have an aging parent, you may be the one on whom they rely. Some men are just under stress, and it impacts their sexual interest.
Men’s Lower Sex Drives: Less Driven Overall.
Some men have a more passive personality generally. And that falls into how they view sex. Yes, they enjoy it, but they’re no more likely to seek it out with fervor than they are to hunt down some other fun activity. Because they’re content to sit on the couch and just hang out.
This isn’t all bad, because less driven people are also typically the ones we call low-maintenance. They don’t constantly insist on their way, they go with the flow, they appreciate the small things in life. But obviously, this can have an effect on a man’s desire or capacity to initiate sex.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”Wives can have the higher libido, too! Here’s what no one is talking about when it comes to sex in marriage:” quote=”Wives can have the higher libido, too! Here’s what no one is talking about when it comes to sex in marriage:”]
Some Men Just Are. Lower Libido, That Is.
Dr. Kevin Leman, a marriage author I respect in so many other ways, said a woman once asked him, “Do all men think about sex all the time?” He then wrote: “ ‘Well, not all the time,’ I said, noting the relief cover her face until I added, ‘sometimes we think about food and sex. Occasionally we think about killing deer and breaking ninety on the golf course, but pretty much our minds go back to sex.’ ” Of course, he goes on to describe that those thoughts can be very pure thoughts about one’s wife, but he — like many authors and speakers on this subject (though not Sheila) — simply assume that being a healthy man means he thinks and wants sex all the time.
And I’m here to say: hogwash. Many men do not think about sex 24/7, and some husbands think about it less than their wives. And there might be no other reason than they just do. They’re not broken or lacking love for their wives or less masculine or whatever other reason we might want to ascribe. They just have less sexual interest. (See A Letter to the Low Drive Husband.)
She’s Just A Higher Drive Wife.
Finally, a husband might have a perfectly average sex drive that would make him the higher-drive spouse in the majority of marriages. But he’s married to a gal who has a greater sexual desire. Maybe it’s hormones, personality, her desire to make up for the repressed years, whatever … but plenty of wives are more than eager to make love. And their desire simply puts them ahead of where their husbands are on that count.
Now you might think that God would save us a lot of trouble if He’d just put couples on the exact same place on that sexual interest spectrum. But I’m convinced our sexual desire differences challenge us to grow in ways He wants us to grow.
If you were always on the same page, where’s the call for patience or generosity? Where’s the need for communication and understanding? Where’s the opportunity to show 1 Corinthians 13 love?
What Can High-Drive Wives Do?
Some of you are in somewhat mismatched marriages. If you’re like me, then here are some steps you can take:
- Communicate your desires, ask about his desires, and negotiate sexual frequency.
- Be willing to initiate sex more often and accept his responsiveness as evidence of his sexual interest in you.
- Consider scheduling sex — then you can relax, knowing it’s coming, and he can prepare.
- Quiet the voices in your head — or external people who give unsolicited advice — that make you worry something far more troubling is going on. (If you know he’s not having an affair or watching porn or gay, stop worrying. And yes, I know some women get surprised—sadly. But some of us really do know.)
- Replace the erroneous messages in your head with affirmations that God may have put you two together to make sure sex remained strong in your marriage: your lower-drive husband may need his higher-drive wife to maintain intimacy.
- Express appreciation for who your husband is and let him enjoy who you are — that is, a higher-drive spouse.
And if you are a higher-drive wife, consider joining my closed Facebook group just for women like you. It’s a community of more than 200 wives who know what it’s like to be the higher-drive spouse.
Have you experienced mismatched sex drives in your marriage? Are you the higher drive wife? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
You may also find these posts helpful:
J. Parker is Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned three books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Married for 25 years, J. has fondly nicknamed her logical husband “Spock,” has two teenage sons, and lives in the great state of Texas. She holds a master's degree in counseling, yet it's her personal story of redemption that fuels her passion for passion.
Find J. online here:
Check out some of J's Books:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for this article, J! It’s wonderful.
Thanks, Bethany! I appreciate you letting me know. 🙂
Hi J and Sheila,
Thanks for this! Loved the article, could relate to everything . I have so many thoughts on all this. One thing I wonder is that I have mentally noted myself as a high drive wife the whole decade I’ve been married, but who ever said women weren’t supposed to be sexual to begin with. I saved myself for my husband in marriage but once married, hey! I rejoiced to enjoy the newfound sensuality and (assumed) frequent sex in marriage. I just wanted to make love morning, noon, and night! 🙂 lol, I still would six children later but my hubby just can’t do that. My husband is a hard working, devoted dad. He’s a thoughtful husband, and is totally hands on with house and kids. I don’t know if he’s initiated sex even three times in ten years! When I found Sheila’s blog six years ago(one night as he was snoring and I was desperately looking at the internet to find what was wrong while wearing the lingerie he once again didn’t see that night) I found all her red flags in marriage. On and off for a few years I’d ask him if there was something I didn’t know. He was insulted I would ask. No porn or other women. There’s no video games even, we have no secrets from each other. He was exposed to some prob at 13-15 but that was it. Anyway. I grew so resentful, even hid all my lingerie for years in a container on top of our closet. 🙂 This actually hurt me worse than him! We have HOWEVER had tons of stress due to nine moves, one international, etc…since being married. Anyway, he recently told me he still thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and I keep myself up well, and he has told me over and over he appreciates ME initiating because he just can’t flirt and finds it hard to start things. He seems really to enjoy being wanted. Now I no longer need sex three times a day 😉 but I do really wish I could be pursued. We seem to schedule our sex now the greater part of the time. I think about it every day! But to end a long post (sorry Sheila!!) Is it that I’m high drive or HEALTHY in a world that’s become increasingly unhealthy and twisted . I just LOVE sex. It really is my favorite thing in the world. And yes, my hubby is a quieter more passive nature, I am a more dominant personality. But I refuse to believe what well meaning friends have said, that I have higher testosterone. My estrogen is right where it needs to be, my hubby has perfect testosterone (we checked both) and I love being a woman. But J, haven’t the past puritanical generations shaped this whole women are prudish or low drive or get annoyed by a husband desiring? Aren’t we just normal, HEALTHY women?
Sorry again for long post!!
Just saw this, Steph, and I think you’re right! And more on that in the follow up post on higher libido wives. Research has shown that so much of women’s libido is cultural, and the effects tend to be that culture SUPPRESSES women’s libido. So it very well could be that you’re what we’re supposed to be, and the lower libido wives are not! It’s not that you’re a freak–it’s that you actually emerged unscathed, and other women need to catch up! I’m glad you’re finding a rhythm in your marriage now.
Hey, Steph! Yes, I think it’s entirely normal. And I have also heard the testosterone thing, but if we were so high on T, we’d have other issues that we don’t have, right? I think it’s more than that, including our biological setpoint, our personality, our culture, and more. Regardless, embrace your libido! It’s good for your marriage.
And maybe you could ask him to initiate now and again? Even schedule a week that he is responsible for making sex happen? Just a suggestion.
I think that’s so important. If it’s always one person initiating, that’s never a good dynamic, ever.
Great, great insights J and Sheila, wow, God bless you gals, praying he keeps his hedge around you ladies and these excellent tid bit’s of wisdom…we soooo need it and I know the enemy sure isn’t happy, keep telling us and teaching all of us!!! Thank you!!
Thank you, Ben!
Sheila and J,
Here’s another topic for you.
There’s an interesting tangential topic that goes with men not initiating sex.
It’s men who are passive and introverted.
There are some women who walk away from good men, just because the guy is so passive he doesn’t appear sexually interested in her.
A mindset adjustment may help.
Tell the wife, “Your husband doesn’t want to reach out to you until you reach out to him first. He wants to be sure of your affection. He needs your reassurance.”
I had a friend who left her husband because he never initiated sex. (If she initiated, he “rose to the occasion,” but it really irked her.) She tried to change him but couldn’t. (So what’s new?) Now she wonders if she should have accepted him the way he was.
Passive men and energetic women <– fantastic new topic. And figure out how to set boundaries on that passivity.
Ok Sheila and J, see what you’ve done? Sheila starts out by saying that this post will be about the higher drive of the wife, and not what’s wrong with the husband, and then J proceeds to spend the MAJORITY of her post itemizing what’s going wrong with the husband!! She has 3 sections about “Men’s Lower Sex Drives”. Even when you say you don’t want to talk about what’s wrong with men, you still do! Argh!!
Bryan, I’m sorry that you’re frustrated. But J was not pointing out any moral failings of husbands at all. She was looking at some of the CAUSES where a guy’s sex drive might be lower which is causing a problem for her, when she has a high sex drive. I spend the vast majority of my time talking about why women have a lower sex drive, and telling them how to boost it. I even have a course on it! To talk about the fact that men may have lower sex drives for perfectly logical and natural reasons is good–it shows that wives don’t always have to worry that there is sin involved. Sometimes it’s just a natural thing.
And that’s what we’re talking about this week–when there is a libido mismatch because SHE has the higher libido. For the first two days, we’re looking at why this can happen and what to do about it when there’s nothing wrong with him and no sin involved. We’re concentrating mostly on situations where her libido is actually high, but his isn’t. For the next three days, we’re looking at what to do when his is LOW, but there’s a real reason that we can do something about it. The first is sin; the second is more physical; and the third is relational (and in that latter case, it’s often HER that has contributed to the problem).
I’m presenting all of these things as a COUPLE issue, but from your comments here and in the past you seem very sensitive to me ever saying that there may be an issue with a guy. I’m sorry, Bryan, but sometimes there just is something that the guy is doing wrong, and we need to talk about it. And sometimes there is NOTHING that he is doing wrong, but we still need to address an issue in the marriage (yesterday and today).
Yes, but why didn’t she talk about why WOMEN can have a higher-than-normal sex drive (and one that is higher than her man’s), not why MEN can have a lower-than-normal sex drive (and one that is lower than his woman’s)?
Bryan, with all due respect, J DID talk about the fact that some women are just higher drive. But when we talk about sex in marriage, all that really matters is how high your drive is relative to your spouse’s drive.
Who cares if I’m a high drive wife if my husband is also high drive? If a woman is high drive and looking for articles about that, she’s looking for answers to a question–likely “What’s wrong with me that I want sex way more than my husband does?”
It doesn’t help that woman to write a 1000 word article saying “you have a high sex drive!” No duh. She already knows that. She’s looking for solutions. So that’s what J is giving (and one of the solutions IS to recognize that you might just be the higher drive spouse and that’s OK!).
But for the woman who is searching this because she wants sex twice a week and her husband seems to have zero interest for months on end, the problem does lie more with the husband because something is affecting his sex drive. So it’s not helpful to say we shouldn’t talk about men’s sex drives in this context, because both drives are important. Not just one.
And I also want to point out–that’s why I write so many posts and resources and courses on how women can boost their libido! Because libido differences, no matter which way they go, are difficult, and it’s incumbent on each of us to do what we can to help our spouse.
Hey, Bryan, I just saw this, and I find it very interesting that your takeaway is that I was talking about what’s “wrong” with men. It actually plays right back into the idea that if a man’s sex drive is lower than his wife, there’s something wrong with him. And I don’t believe that.
My post actually comes from having experienced this situation and heard from hundreds of higher-drive wives. And their mental process goes from “Is there something wrong with me?” and then right away to “And if there’s not, why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?” So it’s those women I was attempting to answer in how I structured my post.
I do not mean in any way to disrespect men, but again, I think it’s rather presumptive to say that if there’s a cause of a lower libido, then it means something is wrong with the husband. I don’t feel that way about wives who simply have a lower drive than their husbands, even if the causes are clear. Yes, the causes could be negative, but they don’t have to be.
I am not sure I my comment goes here. Were can I find advice when I am the one with a lower drive? This topic has led to many fights.
So glad you asked that, actually–here is a link to a landing page filled with posts about women’s libido and how to raise libido/understanding why your libido may be low! Check it out here.
I like what I was share. When I lost weight I got my sex drive. I was 260 pounds three years ago and now down to 219 pounds. It made a big difference. My whole thing is some have to get over the mental things about sex and be creative with their mate to have Sex.
Thanks for chiming in with that, Archie! I also think general physical health is often overlooked, as well as the reality that men have body image issues too. I know of two marriages, at least, where he is reluctant to make love because he’s unhappy with his body. There are good answers for dealing with that without forgoing lovemaking, but it is something we should acknowledge.
And good for you taking care of your body! 🙂
Way to go on the weight loss! That’s awesome! And you’re right–it does make a big difference.
Thanks so much for this article, J and Sheila! This is exactly my marriage dynamic – nothing “wrong” with him, I’m just high drive. J, I actually began understanding this for the first time when I read Corey Allen’s guest post on HHH a few years ago. One of his phrases is “We do sex the way we do life.” LIGHT BULB!!! My husband doesn’t get excited about ice cream, or free Starbucks, or anything to the degree that I do. And it’s helped me so much with expectations to see “why would that not carry over into our bedroom?” And to be okay with that. I still have moments of insecurity and longing to be pursued, but we’re only 6 years in, so there’s lots of time ahead to grow. I’m in for the long haul.
This is absolutely so true! When you’re generally a passionate person, sex is generally passionate. When you’re generally laid back, sex is often much more laid back and relaxing.
Ka-ching!!! Things are slowly dropping into place for me!
My husband is very passive generally, but having said that, he is very motivated at work too..!
I’m still not 100% if it’s me with the higher drive or whether my husband is just too (?) thoughtful.
Along with that is a lack of communication from both sides!!
I often feel like I initiate far more than he does, when actually I will find out later I’m being far too subtle LOL.
However there’s often times when I try to initiate it, but it’s not ‘the right time’ – he’s in the middle of a project or thinking about something else and he would never just drop everything and have it LOL (so irritating!!). He’s a routine guy too so anything other than evenings are outta the window for him initiating!
On yet another front, I know he is very cautious. He wouldn’t think of starting anything if he thought there was any chance of it being the wrong time of the month (although he wouldn’t think to check up with me either…), or if he knows I’m not feeling my best earlier in the day he wouldn’t pursue anything . In his own words he just sees how things turn out. Quite often in these situations I could respond quite happily by the evening – the headache/period pain will probably have gone by then (or getting turned on helps to get rid of it too!) Or I’d be perfectly happy to play it safe, but he is very cautious and extremely kind and thoughtful.
He has turned me down a number of times or fallen asleep before anything gets going properly.
So confusing and its difficult for me to say whether I’m the higher drive spouse, or whether I just have a ridiculously kind and ultra cautious sweetie! We’ve been married just 2 years so there’s plenty of time for learning and loving!
Thoughts please J & Sheila! Xxx
Melinda, your comment helped me greatly. That describes my husband to a T. He doesn’t get excited about anything, literally, but he’s the most stable and loyal person I know. Of course this would carry over into every area. My “take the bull by the horns” carries over into every area of my life too. Thanks for this perspective.
It’s comforting to hear that other women have higher sex drives than their husbands, but it’s so hard for me not to resent the fact that he doesn’t initiate sex very often. I long to be pursued and I think that’s normal and inbred in us as females to desire to be pursued. Talking about it with my husband has never ever effected change, so I finally gave up and now we rarely have sex. I think I just got tired of being the one who wanted regular sexual intimacy. It makes me sad.