Can using a vibrator make it harder to achieve orgasm with your husband?
Okay, I’m going to step on some toes in this post, and it’s honestly not my intention. This is seriously awkward to talk about.
But I had a lot of feedback last week when I shared a video talking about reaching orgasm with a vibrator, and I thought it was worth elaborating on.
The original question was: is it so bad if you can only reach orgasm with a vibrator? And I said, well, yeah, kinda. And then I had a number of commenters and emailers saying that this wasn’t fair, because this honestly was the only way to reach orgasm for them.
I’d like to talk more about this today, but it’s honestly not my intention to shame anyone or heap guilt on anyone. I just want to help women who are desperate to achieve orgasm and just can’t seem to.
Here’s the real problem to me: When you’re having trouble reaching orgasm with your husband, and then you use a vibrator, you’re actually reinforcing the reasons that the orgasm was difficult in the first place.
If you can orgasm with a vibrator, then you can reach orgasm. And I’m sure for many of you who have struggled with reaching orgasm, this was a huge relief to you. And I’m glad, too. I’m glad you now know, definitively, that your body isn’t broken. You honestly can get there! Yay!
So the question becomes: Why can you reach orgasm with a vibrator but not with your husband?
Some of that’s a given. Ummmm…..no guy can vibrate like that. And vibrations are a whole lot more effective at bringing a woman to orgasm than most other methods.
But I don’t think that’s the only reason, and so we need to take a step back and ask the question: “What is making orgasm with my husband difficult in the first place?” So let’s take a look at what an orgasm actually requires.
What you need for orgasm physically
In order to reach orgasm, you need some stimulation. In general, women tend to find manual or oral stimulation more effective in bringing them to orgasm than intercourse (though once you’re comfortable and once you’ve figured things out, intercourse can work well, too). But manual or oral stimulation is a good place to start.
Now, women also tend to require a long time to reach orgasm. It isn’t something that tends to happen in the first 3 minutes, 5 minutes, or even 10 minutes. So they need focused stimulation for a drawn out period of time.
What you need for orgasm emotionally
But it’s not only the right physical stimulation. It’s also being in the right frame of mind. As I’ve said before, many women like being in control at all times, and orgasm requires allowing yourself to be carried along. It doesn’t work when you’re trying to be in control.
Orgasm also requires a healthy view of sex. It’s hard to reach orgasm when you’re ashamed of your body, ashamed of sex, or having flashbacks of sexual trauma that you’ve experienced.
Not just that, but orgasm requires a woman to understand what does feel good. She has to be familiar enough with her body that she recognizes what arousal is and what tends to feel better. And she needs to feel very strongly that she is supposed to feel pleasure–that she’s not being selfish or broken for requiring more attention than intercourse alone will give.
Finally, orgasm requires being able to turn off all those pesky things running through your mind and just be able to focus on the here and now, and what is happening to you. For many women, that’s a big challenge!
What you need for orgasm relationally
Perhaps the biggest thing that you need to reach orgasm, though, is the ability to be vulnerable with your husband. You have to be able to tell him what feels good, and that’s difficult. Many men just don’t know how to stimulate a woman in a way that will arouse her, because men tend to be aroused by much firmer touch than women. And the clitoris is rather small, and many men’s fingers are rather big. It’s hard to get just the right angle, the right amount of pressure, the right spot.
In order for this to work, then, she has to feel confident enough in herself and in the relationship to guide him. That can be a challenge, especially if she feels like her needs don’t matter as much as his, or if she tries to “correct” his angle, she’s being pushy or unfeminine.
Not just that, but in order to “silence” all those voices in her head, and honestly relax with her husband, she has to know that he cherishes her, that he values her, that she is the only object of his affection. If she has a hard time trusting him because of his past porn use or behaviour towards women; if she feels like he often dismisses her feelings or doesn’t value her opinion; if she doesn’t feel cherished in any way it’s going to be hard for her to relax enough to achieve orgasm.
You see, what is often going on in a woman’s head while he is trying to stimulate her is something like this…
Oh, gosh, not like that. That’s too hard! That’s totally not the right spot. Okay, that kind of feels good, but is he getting frustrated with me? Shoot, now the feeling’s gone. I’m trying, why isn’t it working?
And if it DOES start to work….
This is taking too long. It feels good, but he’s taking too long. Is he getting frustrated? His arm must be falling asleep by now. Am I going to get there? What’s wrong with me?
Now, if that’s what’s going on in her head, don’t you think orgasm is going to be pretty difficult?
The issue with vibrators is that because stimulation is so intense, they make orgasm almost guaranteed.
What they don’t do is deal with any of these things that you need to reach orgasm with your husband. In fact, in many cases they reinforce the very things that are preventing orgasm.
If orgasm requires vulnerability and intimacy, a vibrator puts another layer between you and your husband, increasing the distance. (again, this is not to say that vibrators can’t be fun in a marriage; what I’m saying is that when orgasm is already difficult, this can reinforce those reasons).
A vibrator makes it possible to not have those important conversations about what it actually takes for her to feel good, and can reinforce the idea that she really SHOULD be able to reach climax much more quickly, and really, what’s wrong with her?
It can reinforce any body issues that she has with herself, including feeling like there’s something wrong or dirty with her genitals that can make her embarrassed if he touches them.
It can short circuit the need for her to feel safe with him, because it isn’t “him” making her feel pleasure in the same way.
So what would I suggest for women who find that they can only orgasm with a vibrator?
First, rejoice that you know that you can reach orgasm! That’s great. And you know what? If you can reach orgasm this way, then you really can in other ways, too. The future is truly opened up for you!
Here’s More Guidance on How to Help Her Reach Orgasm–Together!
I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex as a challenge that couples can do together to work on all aspects of the relationship (including the emotional ones) that may stop her from being able to feel a lot of pleasure.
With exercises on how to be more affectionate, how to talk more, how to deal with trust issues, along with the super fun ones on how to figure out what feels good to her, how to stimulate her, and how to reach orgasm, you’ll find that your sex life really can move forward. And sometimes it’s easier to try these things when a “book” is telling you what to do, rather than you having to make the suggestion to your husband yourself.
I’ve kept the ebook priced really cheaply at $4.99 so that it can help as many couples as possible. It can help you, too!
Need to reconnect with your husband in a FUN way?
31 Days to Great Sex helps you flirt, be more affectionate, talk–and especially spice things up!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
A few years ago a woman shared her story of finally reaching orgasm when she was advised by an older woman to not stop until it happened. Just take the time! And so she did. And it took a LONG time. But after that breakthrough, things were a lot easier! I think what happens is that we often try, but we give up before enough time has lapsed. Let yourself take the time. Relax. Set aside a long stretch for this.
Too often we think that because a man can reach orgasm quickly, we’re supposed to as well. His experience is perceived as the “right” one, and we have to make our own response match his. But what if that’s just not true? Maybe God made it so that women take longer to respond so that making love becomes something that is drawn out and focused on each other, rather than just something that’s quick and automatic? Is it so bad if we need to pay attention to each other’s reactions and work at something? I don’t think so.
And then, when he is trying to pleasure you, be sure to guide him. Learn to pay attention to your body’s cues. Orgasm is as much feeding what is feeling good as it is having those feelings happen automatically. When something feels good, relax into it. Concentrate on it. And try to replicate it. Pay attention to what you’re feeling, because when something is feeling good, your body will often crave the next step. So listen to what your body is telling you it wants.
It may mean that you have to use your own hand, and guide his. You may have to teach him what to do. But don’t give up.
So to all of you who are so frustrated with the difficulty in achieving orgasm, please know, I do understand.
I do sympathize. It took me a while, too! I just don’t want to see you all reinforcing anything that can make reaching orgasm through your husband’s effort more difficult. Using a vibrator is definitely not a sin. It is not something to be ashamed of. But I do worry that it can compound some of the difficulties that you’re already having.
And finally, sex does feel more intimate when it’s him, without batteries.
What do you think? What are some of the big roadblocks that many women have to reaching orgasm? How can we overcome them? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Amen! Amen! Amen! Sheila, you really hit the nail on the head with this one. I get very frustrated when I hear women claim, “I can only orgasm with a vibrator, through self-masterbation, etc.” In my opinion, it is just as much of lie as men who claim they can only become aroused by porn. And these lies the worst kind of lies. They are lies that we condition our mind and body to believe through our own actions. I know because I have been there. I struggled with masterbation in my youth. I had stopped a few years before I started dating my husband, but when I first got married I was constantly frustrated during sex because my husband didn’t do things the way I had and I had a lot of trouble getting there. And no amount of trying to teach him could turn his hands into mine. Needless to say, he would get very frustrated too. And the thoughts running through my head were exactly what you described.
I had to learn how to forget everything I had taught myself and allow my husband to experiment and learn for himself. And to teach me. Through this I learned to actually trust my body to know what it needed from my husband based on what I was feeling in the moment rather than trying to recreate what used to work. In other words, I stopped trying to be a dictator and became a tour guide who occasionally gives a direction or two. And I couldn’t be happier about that. It was work, and my husband and I had other issues to work through as well, but we never stopped working together to get to where we are now. And it is a pretty sweet spot. 🙂
Oh, Samantha, I’m so glad you left that comment because it’s just perfect. It said things that I didn’t even think to put in the article, and I think it will help a lot of women! Thank you for being so open.
I love especially what you said about having to learn to listen to what your body was feeling right now rather than trying to recreate what used to work. That’s it exactly!
You’re welcome, Sheila! If I can help just one woman out with my own story, then that would be a huge blessing! I just think people in general have become so conditioned to believe that since we are in our body we should have all the answers about it. And we should somehow understand our own pleasure before marriage so we can teach our spouse about our pleasure. I don’t think it occurs to many people that part of the gift of marriage is about opening the doors of pleasure together, exploring it together, and giving it to each other. I also think some people are just way too concerned about having the gift of pleasure before the gift of marriage that they end up messing up pleasure within the marriage bed for themselves.
I’m going to say something a little off the wall here and some people may not agree with it, but I think there is a lot of truth in it. I think far too many think about sex and go into sex focused solely on their own pleasure and whether or not they will get that pleasure. Think about it. If a husband and wife went into sex more focused on giving the other person pleasure than they were on getting pleasure from the other person, both the husband and wife would be totally focused on making sex feel great for the other person and would end up feeling great as a result of it. Not saying it’s wrong AT ALL to want pleasure from our spouse and to think about that pleasure. But I don’t think it should be our main goal going into sex to get pleasure for ourself. Our goal should be about giving pleasure to the other person. If both people do this, it’s a win win!
That’s actually a great perspective, Samantha! I think we should be focused on each other. And that does make you far more aware of the other person when you’re making love, too, and thus it feels more intimate.
Exactly! The intimacy factor goes way up when you’re actually focused on each other. And when you’re more focused on the other person it does help you get out of your own head, relax, be in the moment, and just have fun which are all VERY important for achieving orgasm.
I second your emotion, Samantha, about focusing on giving—and it was a hard lesson for me, personally, to learn. I came into my marriage with an (un)healthy amount of expectations of what sex was supposed to be about and like, much injected into my thoughts by popular culture. Once I shed those thoughts, expectations and—I confess—hoped-for experiences, which was a long conscious process, and met my wife where she wanted to be sexually, our communions absolutely blossomed. It’s become about rejoicing in giving what she wants to receive. And I’m able to give it joyfully and joyously, because experiencing her getting lost in what we’re sharing buoys and nourishes me. So though I’ve scratched some things off of the menu, what we do make is really really yummy.
This was really beautifully said and somewhat mirrors my husband’s experiences. Thanks for sharing.
For me the giving came naturally though, almost to my detriment, because it made it that much harder to receive! I couldn’t receive without being concerned about HIS PLEASURE (or lack thereof) while giving, like the running commentary that Sheila gave above. So for me, I had to learn how to “be selfish enough” to receive, if that makes sense, and that even receiving can bless the giver. I had to turn the tables to realize I was actually denying him the pleasure of giving pleasure to me. We are learning, but I I still struggle to be on the receiving end, and I can almost never orgasm from manual or oral sex; I primarily know how to orgasm during intercourse.
Samantha, your off the wall response is 100% spot on. To me, this is what people are missing in their sex life.
Focusing on yourself is, well, selfish. And how often does selfishness lead to great relationships?
… I should add that I’m not discounting a woman’s need to focus on herself to get where she needs to be mentally. Women who do not receive the attention they need to get from their husband will most likely have a much harder time getting where they need to be.
It’s not selfish to want pleasure, but it is selfish to put your pleasure ahead of your spouse’s pleasure. The husband needs to make sure the wife is satisfied.
Samantha! Loved what you said! Really liked the line about letting go of being a dictator! I really think A LOT of women struggle with that. They just can’t not do it. God bless them, they just can’t. And if you are a dictator wife long enough, your husband is just going to tune you out.
I aggree – Samantha – I like the tour guide persepctive. Grace and I have been working on presentation of the direction. I really dont like when I get NO dont do that. I prefer can you do this instead? Or if you do this it feels better. Or even better yet. Will you or can you do this? I love that! Etc etc. i do think if you did the actual tour guide thing that would be funny too lol. Welcome to my body. Please take care as you ride the ride lol. We hope you enjoy your tour lol.
I agree with much of what you’ve written. By the way. I am a man, 76 Years and still learning.
1: Porn is the Mechanics of sexual intercourse. It does not in any way replace reality. ( Somehow Men are supposed to know what to do when they are with a woman). I for one had no idea about myself , much less a woman. That happens when one is raised in a total male environment and spends most of his adult life in an all male environment.
Now add trust with your communication with your spouse, That in itself is a bit more complicated. Free to include your spouse into your self is daunting to say the least. Expressing ones needs , while having sex , is a good measure of the trust in communication , one has with their partner? Both sexes have a hard time divulging that information.
Interestingly enough, I have 2 vibrators and we hardly ever use them. We got them to spice things up a little but I much prefer my husband’s touch. The vibrator feels very different and the orgasm does typically come much faster but it also ends much faster. With hubby, it’s a slower build up, which is fun, and is ultimately more explosive and I usually have several small orgasms until the big one comes. But I am very blessed with a hubby who WANTS to please me and will take his time (sometimes too much time and I have to tell him to speed things along, lol).
I am very orgasmic but I rarely come through penetration unless I’ve already been brought to the edge in other ways and even then, it’s just a small one.
Yes, that’s a good point. It actually does feel different with different stimulation and different length of stimulation. I do hope that some of the readers who have been really frustrated with not being able to reach orgasm without a vibrator will soon! I know it sounds weird, but that’s what I’m praying for today!
Hey Sheila – I will add in carefully from my perspective and I will be honest. First I agree with your article but have been silent when you bring up the topic. I will speak in general terms here becuase I do not want to share something thats not mine if you will. I can say this. First I introduced the vibrator to our marriage for the wrong reasons. So there ya go. We had to work through that. It is probably still an issue of sorts to tackle in progress. We used to orgasm together and then that stopped pretty quickly In early marriage due to all sorts of dysfunction I brought to the marriage and probably premartital sex as well. In your recent survey about what readers want you to write more about I chose emotional over sexual topics. I chose that because that has to be cleared first before you can have the gift of sex. So we are working towards back to being able to orgasm togther. And we are getting closer. We have not discussed this in grand detail as it is just happening as our relationship continues to heal and we continue to become one. Getting back more direct to the topic I have been wanting to add this on to this topic for a while. When you have kids sometimes time is a factor and quick is nessasary more often than not. Quick has never been a joint orgasmic event for us and I cant provide that. The vibrator gives us the opportunity for both of us to orgasm together quickly. So I do see your points and I do agree with you – your vantage point defintely feels more on the side of just dont own one however I see that there are some places where there can be a healthy aspect to it. Just for affirmation I see that balance in your opinion. Thanks for the topic. Gives me stuff to talk to Grace about. That can only mean one thing. Improved relationship and awesome sex! 😀
That’s great, Phil! And I do hear what you’re saying about “quickies”, too. That’s a very valid point.
Again, I think my issue is more that a lot of women have become resigned to the fact that this is the only way that they can sexually respond, and I don’t think that’s a healthy mindset.
I also think that in some marriages sex toys can become a problem because they replace intimacy. Great sex should be based not just on the physical aspects, but also the emotional & spiritual oneness. But when the latter two aren’t there, it’s easy to find a shortcut with sex toys. It’s not that they’re a sin per se or that they’re evil or wrong or anything like that. It’s just that we have to be careful that we’re not using them in place of greater vulnerability and intimacy with each other. And that’s really my main concern here!
I would love to hear from somebody on this subject who has an active sex life (3-4 times a week), over 60, and the woman has been or is going through full-blown menopause.
My husband and I struggled for THREE YEARS trying to get me to orgasm. It did in the end take a vibrator to push me over the edge. We communicated, we did everything we both were comfortable with and it was eroding our marriage. I was tempted over and over to fake an orgasm just so he wouldn’t feel crushed each time we had sex. We do have our challenges in sex and our mindsets, but please believe me when I say that me NOT having an orgasm was doing more harm than me having one with a vibrator. I don’t think my husband is alone in feeling like a failure if his wife doesn’t ‘make it’ over the edge- especially if it’s every time. I did try telling him that I enjoyed just being close to him even without one (which is true) but it didn’t help the problem.
Agree. It’s a lot more intimate for us to mutually orgasm now than him to go quickly and me to wait forever and get so frustrated at each other when it’s just not getting there.
I haven’t ever orgasmed in almost 14 years of marriage. If a vibrator had done the trick I don’t think either of us would care if that was the only way. Yes, all those other things you list are important too. But really, sex and marriage are hard enough. Why add extra pressure to couples who have managed to figure out a solution for what can be a huge problem? I know your heart is in the right place, but I just can’t agree with you on this one.
I agree with you Alex. My wife has not orgasmed in almost 4 decades of marriage. She has refused to use a vibrator for the same reasons as you. Closeness is more important than going for the big ‘O’.
Hi Sheila. I’m curious about this and don’t know if you’ve talked about it in the past and I’ve missed it.
What are your thoughts on self pleasure outside of marriage? I’m nearly divorced and, while the marriage was very abusive overall and we rarely had sex the last few years, it was good physically (though not emotionally) most of the time. So now I’m at the peak of my life sexually, know what I’m missing, and there’s no husband in sight. Despite the fact that I’ve occasionally thought a little fling might be kind of fun, I’m totally not going there! For real…I respect myself more than that, and my kids look up to me as an example. I’m totally kidding about the fling thing, but I also very often struggle with having no legitimate sexual outlet for several years and counting.
I know that I can orgasm they sex and certainly hope to be able to do that again someday, hopefully within the confines of a loving and healthy marriage. But for now…???
Thoughts on any of this?
This is the one and only area where I slightly disagree. I don’t think there’s any less intimacy in my marriage using a small vibrator on the outside while he’s able to do amazing things on the inside. We achieve mutual orgasm this way and it allows for stimulation to the clitoris while we can have sex in nearly every position. Hands free, cumbersome free, it is quicker and we make a lot of love before it comes out for the finisher. I can orgasm without it, but we are busy and it takes a lot more effort. We’ve been together for over 10 years and are still exploring our intimate life. We use a couples vibe that I wear and he gets some stimulation from too. I say all things are open to the marriage bed if we both enjoy them and are comfortable. And you can’t say it’s less vulnerable. Asking to use toys is very vulnerable. And getting a man to take the time to learn to give you oral or hands on pleasure, especially when you hate it, isn’t my cup of tea. I hate hate hate it usually. Not worth messing with something to works so very good for us. I actually had more intimacy issues thinking there was something deeply wrong with me for using a vibe because of your speech once than I did when I just used what worked for us. I don’t think it’s at all bad for a marriage to use whatever they enjoy.
Hi Rachel,
You make some excellent points, especially about using one in conjunction with intercourse so that you both experience orgasm near the same time. I do think that that could be intimate for sure. And you’re right–it is very vulnerable to suggest toys or to still use one.
I still think that there’s an element that reliance on a vibrator can harm. Without a vibrator, you have to learn how to make her feel good. You have to learn more about each other. He has to learn what makes her tick, and she has to be in touch with her body enough to figure that out, too. You become much more aware of each other’s bodies. And I just want to tell women not to give up. Once a woman learns (and for many it is a learning process) how to have an orgasm with her husband, it can take a few years before it’s happening regularly, or before she really relaxes into it. But that is an important process, and it does make sex very different.
I’m not saying that anything is a sin, I’m really not, and I always try to stress that from the stage. It’s not a question of sin. It’s a question of what’s going to help you get most comfortable with your own body, your own sexuality, what’s going to make him more aware of what’s happening with you, what’s going to help him become a great lover, all of those important things. And I just don’t want to see couples short circuit that entirely and go with a vibrator.
Again, I’m not saying it can’t have its benefits or it can’t be fun, especially in conjunction like you said. But I’m just uneasy with the number of questions I get from women who say that they can ONLY orgasm with a vibrator. I think we’re missing an important thing, and I just hope that women don’t give up.
Like, if you hate him touching or stimulating you–I don’t know, but maybe that means he’s not doing it right? Or at heart you feel like it’s taking too long and there’s something wrong with you? I think with the ways our bodies were designed, it does take some stimulation to get there. And that should be a fun thing. If we just can’t relax into it, then perhaps going through those three big areas above (physical, emotional, and relational) and figuring out what the big roadblocks are may be an important step?
I hope that helps. And thank you again for sharing your story; it really is not my intention to make anyone feel “less than”. I just wnat to encourage people to keep trying! It does take many women a few years to get there. But the journey really is worth it.
Sheila,
Can we get some scripture references or biblical principles to back why using sex toys isn’t a sin? I thought when God finished making man in the Garden that He said it was very good. Vibrators were made by man some 6000 years later.
You can look at my post on why I don’t like the idea of sex toy use in principle here. There aren’t Scriptures about it specifically, but I use some principles there. But even though I think they can be harmful, I don’t think they fall into the sinful category.
How about asking: where in the Bible does it say using a vibrator IS a sin?
It doesn’t. It absolutely doesn’t. I don’t think it’s a sin; I do think, though, that it can be a hindrance to learning how to enjoy sex with your spouse.
I feel like every time I read comments on your blog I want to say exactly what you said: “Like, if you hate him touching or stimulating you–I don’t know, but maybe that means he’s not doing it right?”
Is that too much to suggest to someone? Since there are so many unhappy women out there, is it possible that us men just aren’t doing right?
Thank you for making this point. I wish more men would wake up and realize that this might be the simple truth to their wife’s “problems” with sex. And not just specifically about touching, but sex in general.
I totally wish that, too! I’m trying to work on a course right now for women on how to reach orgasm, and I find myself thinking that so much of what I’m saying really needs to be directed at husbands, too. So I think I’m going to have to have some modules for them as well!
I understand where you are coming from (ha! No pun intended)
But again, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances.
SSRIs (antidepressants) cause orgasm to be incredibly difficult. If I were to follow the advice to not stop until it happened…a) my husband would not get to sleep in time to get up for work and b) I would be so bruised and sore that it would be a very long time before we could have sex again. (It’s happened).
In this situation sex becomes the opposite of pleasurable and intimate. It becomes “get this over with”. I’ve always been very sexual and orgasmic. Until antidepressants. The medication seems to cause almost a numbness.
I wish I could have an orgasm without the vibrator but while taking this medication it just isn’t a thing. Thankfully my husband is very understanding.
Actually, I shouldn’t say I can’t without a vibrator while on the meds. All the stars just have to align and I have to feel ZERO pressure and be away from home and kids etc. it’s happened a couple of times. But not in a normal setting.
Totally get that. And I understand that is a different circumstance. And likely an orgasm will help with the underlying depression issues, too, so I totally get that!
<3 thank you!
There’s a fine line between using a vibe as an aid to learn how to orgasm and becoming reliant on one. How do we know when we cross that line?
That’s a great question. I think it’s when orgasm without a vibrator becomes even more difficult. Learning to understand what an orgasm feels like, and especially what it feels like right before, is a good tool. But remember that it is a very intense stimulation that he just can’t replicate, and that can be the problem.
We tried for eight years before I finally decided I had to just try a good vibe and figure it out myself. It was definitely like training wheels because after several months I started to be able to just use my fingers, and now I hardly ever use the vibe.
Hubby was no help, though, and still isn’t. I just don’t get turned on by what he does. Either he tries for a long time and I just end up sore, or he tries for a few minutes, gives up, and asks if I want the vibe. But I still have to do it myself; he can’t even do it with the vibe because it’s too strong and he can’t find the right balance.
Mindset is a huge factor: I find I need to be really relaxed before I can get anywhere. But I can’t really relax with him because he just isn’t careful enough. He’ll rub too hard or jam his fingers inside or squeeze too hard, no matter how much I ask him to be gentle and slow down. He isn’t as rough as that sounds, though; he isn’t trying to hurt me, but he just doesn’t get it. Plus he’s a big guy, much bigger than me. It’s really hard for him to be as precise as I need. I have no idea how to help him help me at this point. He means well, but it’s just not working for us.
If sex ever becomes about the ego, both the connection and the orgasm will die. I would suggest to all of you, that if you own toys, look at them as tools to enhance your sex life, rather than as a replacement for connection.
Technology has made virtually every aspect of our lives better, why prevent it from entering the bedroom or sexuality?
If you honestly think your vibrator is impeding your relationship with your spouse, I’d suggest either your spouse has an ego problem or you have marital problems which exist well beyond the confines of the bedroom.
Sheila, your list of possible reasons why we-women might having trouble with reaching orgasm is so true and a great starting point for reflection, action and prayer. Thank you. Many times God answers my questioning prayers through you. So many times He will bring back to my mind and heart something you have written. May God continue to bless you in ministry.
Oh, I’m so glad! I hope that this gives you lots to think and pray about.
No-one has mentioned what happens in a marriage when the husband reaches an age where he unfortunately suffers from erectile dysfunction which is compounded by certain health problems. My husband is older than me and now in his sixties and we no longer have a sexual relationship. I think our situation is made more difficult by the fact we used to have wonderful sex!
Disagree. Especially since NATURALLY, women are more relational and less likely to experiment with a vibrator. I prefer my husbands touch to a vibrator and i’m sure the vast majority of women hesitate to use one even if it is pretty much needed to achieve orgasm…
Age becomes a huge factor. I’m in menopause AND on the correct hormone replacement therapy which has done wonders formy marriage. At times it has given me a RAGING libido to where sex was all i thought about but did that guarantee an orgasm? Absolutely not and it most definitely was not because what was going on in my head (meaning it’s mostly in your head)… i cannot control my nervous system or my orgasm and it was starting to come between my husband and i and i hesitantly introduced a vibrator, my husband now loves it and encourages me to use it after a lot of foreplay, it takes the pressure off of him and he now finds it “hot”. He’d much rather me use it and experience pleasure than to keep up with this battle.
Also how about men? My husbands libido waned and he also has ED, he takes a pill for that..should i tell him because he experienced age related issues and the O is difficult, that he shouldn’t have started Testosterone replacement therapy or Cialis and just grin and bear it and use his mind and kept on with extended foreplay until we were both exhausted? I’m SO THANKFUL that we have HRT and Cialis and a vibrator, it has re-energized our sex life so very much.
Susie, that’s a very good point, especially when you’re post-menopausal and things are difficult, and like I said, I wouldn’t begrudge that when it’s a health issue or something.
But at the same time, you must understand that there is no biological reason why a woman can’t orgasm. There really isn’t. And thus the reason is rooted in my three issues, or, more likely, a combination of them. Those are important issues, and God does want us to overcome them for the sake of intimacy. I’m just worried that a vibrator makes that more difficult.
I think in a situation where sex was once easy and fun, but health issues have made things much harder, you’re looking at a very different decision-making process. But when you’re younger and orgasm has never happened–well, vibrators aren’t necessarily going to help then.
My husband does not want to put in the time for me to orgasm. He will get frustrated and tired (because he has already orgasmed) and just tell me to use my vibratory. I would LOVE it if he wanted to put forth the effort, but he doesn’t.
I’m sorry, Andria. That’s really heartbreaking. You may want to show him this post about why women’s sexual pleasure matters.
My question is how do you know if you’ve reached your orgasm or not? I see fireworks almost from the moment my husband begins touching me. It is incredible and I love every second of it. However when we are done I’m still always wanting more? Does this mean I haven’t actually reached my climax? As it is – my legs shake and I want to scream (which is difficult since we have 8 kids) but I never feel like – it’s done. Any suggestions? I’m perfectly happy with things the way they are – so maybe I should just not try to fix something that isn’t broke. Also – thank you for your ministry. We’be Never EVER had this kind of passion. You have woken something up in me and we are like school kids again. I never dreamed we would have this kind of marriage! You have blessed us beyond words!
That’s so cool, Mandy! I’m so glad that you’re enjoying each other and your marriage!
Normally there is a release after orgasm, and though some women can have multiple orgasms, there’s still a sense that you feel great.
One of the physical signs that may be more obvious is that there’s a rhythmic squeezing of the vaginal muscles at orgasm. Have you ever felt that?
…I agree with the thoughts expressed in this article, but after years of explaining and waiting and my husband reaching orgasm after 5 minutes, then turning over and falling asleep, the additional ‘aid’ with a vibrator has helped me not resent lovemaking with him. I am not thinking of some other man, in fact, my husband is very sexy, but all those thoughts in my head, 4 kids, working as a senior manager in my company, the house, my unshapely midsection, yes, it’s going to take longer than 5 minutes to relax. Sadly, I’ve even tried drinking a little too much to forego my inhibitions. I ended up full of liquid and needing to tinkle while my husband was (well, you know). For a long time, I disagreed with using a vibrator, but I love my marriage, I love our closeness, and I absolutely hate that it takes me so long, if ever to reach orgasm with my husband. I don’t want to create distance, but the fact that I’m tired of trying and that I don’t want him concerned with my inhibitions, makes it work for me. I don’t expect my husband to bring me to orgasm in 3 minutes like a vibrator does, nor do I want him to feel inadequate, I’m too in love with him to cheat to only have another guy finish in 4 minutes flat and me in the same situation. All in all, it’s not an ideal situation, but most marriages, marital communication or understanding aren’t ideal either.
Oh. My. Gosh. What a blessing to find you. THANK YOU.
Here it is. 30 years married. Five kids, two at home. Husband has ED, non existent libido. He tried pills and cream and it made him angry and he lost his temper at the slightest thing… Way not good for kids or me. He has told me he’s really just OVER being intimate for himself anymore and I ALWAYS have to initiate but it simply doesn’t enter his mind. I am INSATIABLE at this point in my life. I’d totally love daily but I’m lucky if I get every other month. Doing serious damage to our marriage. I finally told him I can orgasm going to town on top of him when he’s not erect. That has made a wonderful difference for us. It takes the pressure off him to perform and leaves me feeling completely satisfied and happy… Which helps me feel closer to him and then I feel much more willing and wanting to serve HIM in other ways outside the bedroom. But it kills me that I always have to initiate. Ask. Sometimes beg. And having him just APPEASE me is such a rotten feeling. I don’t turn him on. Sex is a chore for him. I’m unattractive, no longer sexy. I get that our bodies change, I get the ED has killed his libido. Do you think it’s unreasonable for me to ask him to “schedule” me in?? I am hoping he could be willing to initiate because he’s my HUSBAND, not because his body is suddenly turned on , since it doesn’t happen anymore, but because he loves me and knows I need it. If I could look forward to Friday nights or something…
Seriously. Six times a year because I beg. What are your thoughts?
Ally, I don’t think scheduling sex is a bad idea at all! And I think it’s totally okay for you to say, “this is important to me, and I want to feel close to you, but I don’t want you to just placate me.” Do you know what the root issue is for his ED? Is it stress? Other medication? Health issue? Or is it porn? Because if it’s porn, it is something that you can do something about. I’m so sorry!
My husband of 34 years wants me to orgasm more… 2-3 times a year is all I usually achieve. I’ve thought this was the norm as I never have talked to anyone about it. (I have ALL the wrong thinking that the church has taught a teen of the 70-80s.) He told me about your website and asked me to read it. Not only did I do that, I listened to MANY of your podcasts everyday for 6 weeks, we talked and talked and talked (and cried) about our issues. We both felt that we resolved many problems. He truly loves me and is committed to me. We decided to start the 31 days challenge – we got 5 days in and he lost interest. He has now developed ED. The doc said to try everyday. My husband told me he could only try every other day. That lasted for 3 times, now it’s 3-6 days in between. I can’t seem to get him interested. In the middle of all of this, he gave me a vibrator for a birthday gift. I went through shock, confusion, hurt and anger. I agree with everything you wrote in the post. Now, I just don’t know what to think.
My wife and I have a great sex life and have been very happy with it over the past year. However, my wife just entered her third trimester and things have been more difficult. With our first baby, we did not have this issues, but it could have been because baby just a little peanut and she always measured small.
Recently we will both be in the mood and start but never get all the way due difficulties with positions. She isn’t supposed to be laying flat on back and with oral sex I’m having trouble breathing due to her bump.
All that to say, I was considering bringing up buying a vibrator with her but had to come here first to see what you have written about them haha. Obviously, it’s ultimately or decision but was wondering if this is something that people bring up a lot and if it’s something we should work through? Or using a little help from a vibrator during this time makes complete sense? Thanks Shiela for writing on these topics!
I bought my wife a wand vibrator last year and she was very skeptical of it…until I turned it on and pressed it against her clit. She had a raging orgasm only minutes later. The pleasure it delivered was mind-blowing. Since then, our vibrator has been a mainstay. What we have recently gotten into is using it during intercourse. In missionary position, she’ll hold it against her clit and have 2 or 3 orgasms. What has been surprising is how pleasurable the vibrations are on my cock when we’re having intercourse. We have honestly come to love our vibrator. She also uses it during masturbation.