Do TV shows with nudity count as porn?
On Mondays I like to grab a reader question and try to answer it, and this week we’re going to be looking at our fantasy life–how to make it work FOR intimacy, rather than against it. A reader sent in this question about her husband’s TV habits, and I thought it was a good one to start the week with.
She asks:
When I married my husband, I knew he was an unbeliever. Over the last few years, as my faith has grown, I’m becoming more and more aware of the sin in my life and the sin in his. I still love my husband like crazy, but one thing I’m having trouble dealing with is that my husband likes to watch movies/TV that are either cop shows, or investigative-type movies with lots of action and nudity. So they show scenes where the cops enter strip clubs that show topless women, or they bust into rooms where people are having sex and the woman is shown naked. While my husband and I agree that pornography is wrong, he sees this as different. In my mind, any kind of nudity is a type of porn. But in his mind, because it’s not labeled as porn, this isn’t it. He knows it bothers me, but he says he can’t know there’s nudity until it happens. And half the time I don’t know if it registers to him. I know since he is not a believer, I can’t hold him to the same standards I would someone who is. Also, my husband isn’t pulling away from me or anything. He still has a huge sex drive and desires intimacy with me. So I know a lot of this is on me and in my mind when I don’t want to be intimate after. So is nudity/sex in movies or TV porn, or am I overreacting?
Oh, yikes. I always find these sorts of questions really thorny. Personally, I wish they would put far less nudity and even graphic violence in both movies and TV. I find it tends to diminish them considerably, and it makes me very uncomfortable that actors had to film like that. I really don’t think it adds to the story, and seeing graphic violence, like naked dead bodies, is really creepy.
But how would I approach this?
Figure out his motivations for watching the shows
There’s a huge difference between a guy who wants to watch Game of Thrones to see naked women, and who wants to have sex immediately afterwards when he’s aroused, and a guy who watches crime shows with little effect on him because he’s honestly just interested in the stories.
There are some shows that I think really are porn, because the sex scenes are long, drawn out, the main part of the show, and designed to titillate. Then there are shows where there’s a strip tease going on in the background while two characters are talking, but it isn’t the real focus of the show. I’m not saying the latter isn’t bad; it’s just that it’s much more of a grey area, and I do believe that someone could watch that and it wouldn’t have much of an impact on their sex drive or fantasy life.
She’s admitted that this isn’t interfering with their sex life, and that she doesn’t feel like he’s leering at the women in the nude scenes or anything, nor is nudity the main focus of the shows. So I think, in this case, she knows the answer.
I have also known many couples, though, where he watches an HBO show (they always seem to be HBO shows!) and then immediately wants sex because he’s aroused, and she feels really used. That’s definitely an intimacy and marriage killer; I don’t think graphic crime shows necessarily are.
Remember that you can’t be someone’s conscience
As she’s growing in Christ, she’s finding that more and more things are bothering her. She’s getting more sensitive to the Spirit.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
That’s a good prescription for our general mood, not just our spiritual well-being. There’s great research that shows that watching TV tends to depress the mood, while reading or playing a board game or taking a walk tends to elevate the mood. Staying away from these types of entertainment, then, is actually wise.
But–and here’s the big but–you really can’t be someone else’s conscience. He isn’t a Christian and so, like she said, she can’t expect him to make decisions that would honour Christ. She can, however, pray that his own spirit becomes more sensitive to God.
There’s an impulse when you love an unbeliever to want them so badly to come to know Christ: we tend to look for all the “fruits” or “signs” that they may be becoming more Christian. We think somehow that if we can convince them to act like a Christian, then maybe they’ll become one. I don’t think that’s a conscious thought necessarily, but that’s the aim we seem to have. We want our husbands to stop swearing, to stop playing poker, to make better TV choices, etc. But none of that ultimately matters. What matters is knowing Jesus, and expressing to your husband that you think he’s not good enough isn’t going to help him meet Jesus. So she’s right on here: she can’t be his conscience, and she needs to let him choose.
You can decide what shows you want to watch, and find ones to see together
Just as he can choose what he does, though, so can you. So if you are uncomfortable watching the shows, then don’t watch them.
If you want to spend some time together in the evenings, then why not find a compromise? Suggest something like, “you do your thing until 9:30, and I’ll do my thing, and then we’ll watch an episode of a comedy together.” Watch something short but funny, like Brooklyn 99 or The Office or Kim’s Convenience (I don’t know if you Americans get that on Netflix, but it is seriously amazingly funny. It’s Canadian, but Best. Show. Ever.)
Or if you want to watch a crime show together, choose one without all the nudity and gross stuff. I love many of the British crime shows–Broadchurch was really good (if awfully sad), and it wasn’t graphic I don’t think. X Company (another Canadian show) is amazing, too. There are choices out there that don’t have nudity, and if you look, you can find them.
So if he wants to watch the shows, he can. But you can also say, “I have trouble making love to you after seeing that kind of violence and nudity, and so I’d prefer not watching it, and that we watch something else together before bed, or that we do something together.” I think that’s a far healthier approach than trying to convince him that his viewing choices are morally wrong, or withdrawing from him because you’re weirded out after watching his shows.
I wish I could take a more definitive answer, but I do know this is really thorny, especially when your spouse isn’t a Christian. So let’s open this up: What do the rest of you think? How do you decide what shows are good to watch? What do you think of nudity? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
One of the best tools for choosing good movies is the IMDb website. There is a section called parental guidance where people who watched the movie write down anything that is sex/nudity, violence, language, drug & alcohol. I check every movie there before we watch it because the rating system has changed a lot. Old movies that are R rated are sometimes fine to watch while new PG13 ones are impossible. Sometimes the trailer has all the worst scenes in it and other then that the movie is clean, so why not watch it, you already saw the worst anyways… also we skip forward if a scene comes on that we don‘t want to see.
That is exactly what we do too, Lydia!
Just another note… if the nudity section in the parental guide is loooong I don‘t even read through it, no need to fill your mind with those descriptions.
And again, same here! 🙂
My husband is an atheist too… well, I think he’s agnostic but… whatever! It’s about honoring your marriage. My husband tells me I’m worth anything… and so even if it’s stupid to him because he’s not watching things to get turned on… he has cut nudity out of our lives for me. Just like we wives sacrifice things to make them more comfortable too. Marriage is about serving one another… whether you believe in God or not.
I believe that someone can be faithful even with their eyes/heart/mind even if they aren’t saved. I believe people can be good. Because I was when I was not saved. I definitely struggled in other areas… heck, I still do as a Christian… but, anyway… marriage is about serving one another and you should be worth more than his cop shows?
Mine threw all his DVDs away. And we only watch tv/movies together.
I’m not saying that he couldn’t be watching stuff while he’s away from me but, I don’t think so because he’s proven himself a trustworthy person and that’s just where my trust in God to cover our marriage and answer my prayers comes in….
either way… I feel honored and respected. And you should feel that way too.
That’s lovely, Amanda. And I agree. You can be a good person and honour your spouse even if you don’t know Christ. I wrote a longer post about that here, too.
That’s a great suggestion! We just always fast forward, too.
I have a very blunt opinion about nudity in shows and movies. I think it’s all pornography. Think about it. What do people call magazines with pictures of naked people in them? Porn magazines. So why would you not call a nude scene on a show or movie porn too? I know not all nude scenes are sex related, but is there ever really a scene in a movie that requires nudity? That truly could not possibly be effective without the nudity? No. Nudity is never necessary and therefore always excessive. It is just thrown in there for shock and/or arousal factor. There was a radio station my husband and I used to listen to and unfortunately there was a disgusting segment that they did in the morning where men called in and asked this “nude scene movie expert” about which movies featured nude scenes of a particular actress. My husband and I always shut the radio off if the segment came on when we were driving.
Now, I don’t believe all men who watch shows and movies containing nudity purposely go looking for those shows. But I also don’t believe that a man or woman can be exposed to cinematic nudity without being affected by it. The vast majority of it is sexual and even when it isn’t sexual, it is obvious they chose the person to be nude based on their body type.
And if a person truly wants to avoid nudity in shows and movies they certainly can. First of all, the rating information will often tell you if there is nudity. If you want to go a step further IMDB and Common Sense Media both have a parental guide that tells you if a show or movie contains nudity or sexual content, what that nudity is, and often tells you what part of the movie it is in. My husband and I use these resources all the time because we don’t want to expose ourselves to that junk.
So where does a sex scene fall into this discussion where there is no nudity? When i was in college a group of us (boys and girls) went to see a world war 2 movie about the battle of stalingrad. There is a scene where the male lead and female lead had sex in a basement during a lull in the fighting and there are lots of other soldiers around sleeping, so they had to be discreet. There was no nudity at all but it was obvious what was going on. Where does something like that fall in this discussion. After we walked out of the movie theatre, the guys were all talking about the battle scenes and tanks and guns and stuff and all the girls were talking about was that scene and how “hot” it was.
Yeah, there are definitely a lot of erotic scenes in movies. And one point I made in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that often the most erotic things for women don’t actually have full nudity or anything. It’s the idea behind it that is often the most erotic. And that’s why people just have to use their own judgment. What is dangerous to one may not be dangerous to another. It’s just difficult.
In my opinion, it’s still sex being depicted and totally unnecessary junk. Personally, if that was the only scene like that in movie and there wasn’t any nudity at all, my husband and I would probably watch the movie, but would without question fast forward through that part. And we wouldn’t see anything like that in theaters where we weren’t able to skip through it. That’s just how we would handle it. Sex without nudity in movies is still there to titillate the audience. Those girls you went to the movie with are proof of that.
I was so glad to watch Oceans 8 recently with a friend and see no nudity and really no sex (there was a slight scene with Anne Hathaway, but it was more suggestive than anything). It showed that movies aimed at women didn’t need those scenes. So I hope more movie producers make more movies aimed at women without all that stuff!
I agree completely, Samantha. I think this can be compared to music…when I listen to bad music, I don’t think it’s affecting me in the moment, but in the long run it has detrimental effects on my life personally. My husband and I have used VidAngel if there’s a movie we really want to watch, but if there’s a bad review for w film we usually skip it altogether. I don’t think it’s worth it, even if it’s supposedly a “great movie” or a “classic.” Plugged In is a great resource for movie reviews too.
I’m also married to an unbeliever. My first thought was (and you mentioned this too Sheila) is that we can’t be someone else’s Holy Spirit.
Are we talking about complete nudity in these TV shows? Or clothing such as a bikini, which covers up the private areas? Men are visual creatures. I know my husband has made a comment (to me) about a woman’s body in my presence and I’ve told him that I don’t appreciate it because it’s disrespectful to me as I don’t look like that other woman. He’s gotten much better about it though. Plus he is teaching our son how to act and respond to women when he says such things.
I’m teaching our son to respect everyone. I ‘think’ I’m doing a good job. My son went to his 8th Grade Farewell dance last month. He invited a girl, as friends. With a big sign that we made together. She accepted. I bought her a corsage and my son a boutonniere. I gave him enough money to buy them both dinner even though they were supposed to go dutch. He bought her dinner because it’s the polite thing to do as he told me after the dance. Parenting WIN!!
To get back on topic, my husband doesn’t watch a lot of those kinds of shows. He watches documentaries about Bigfoot, WW II, sports (He’s REALLY into the Canadian football League-CFL) and news programs.
I agree with your approach Sheila. She should talk to her husband and tell him how she feels. I prefer not to watch shows that rely on nudity and violence for entertainment value. I watch The Handmaids Tale on Hulu..some violence not much nudity. Interesting story line. Canada is the asylum in this show! And World of Dance.
Nudity is a touchy subject. Had it not been for Eve disobeying God, we might still be running around nude.
Now I have a pretty strong opinion about the unbeliever vs. believer standards when it comes to nudity in the media and whether or not we can hold an unbelieving spouse to the standard of staying away from cinematic nudity (especially if it hurts the other spouse). I believe most people, believer or not, still makes vows to forsake all others and be true to the spouse and take care of them and to care about them and so on. I believe that if a believing wife is hurt and negatively affected by her husband’s choice of entertainment, then he is bound by his vows and the covenant of their marriage to change his behavior for the sake of his wife if not for God. God’s standards aren’t the only reason why a spouse might not want their spouse looking at another naked person. Even an unbeliever can have these feelings. I believe we are naturally jealous of our spouse’s affection. We want all the sexual attention aimed at us. So I don’t think we can really make excuses for an unbelieving man continuing to indulge in shows and movies containing nudity if it is negatively affecting his wife (who he vowed to care for even if he doesn’t care for God) and her desire to have sex with her husband. Afterall, if we were talking about two unbelievers being married we’d still expect them to do what is in the best interest of their spouse and the marriage. That shouldn’t change simply because it is a believer and unbeliever.
So while this woman can’t expect her husband to stop because she believes his actions are offensive to God, she can expect him to stop because his actions are hurting her and negatively affecting her sex drive. God might be behind her feelings and convictions but that shouldn’t make her feelings any less relevant to the wellbeing of their marriage. It’s the same with women who claim they can’t expect their husband to treat them with basic human respect or to not abuse them because their husbands aren’t believers. Yes, you certainly can expect to be spoken to and treated like you are a human being who deserves respect just because your husband doesn’t believe in God. Even the secular world believes in treating othe people with kindness and respect.
And I do believe that when a believer marries an unbeliever they need to realize there will be standards they aren’t able to hold their spouse accountable to. But I don’t believe that a believing wife can’t expect her unbelieving husband to respect her feelings, stay true to her visually, mentally and physically, or to treat her with the same respect that he is somehow able to show everyone else. As I said before, these are standards that even two unbelievers can hold each other to. Even an unbeliever should be expected to uphold basic marriage vows.
Samantha,
We can hold them to any standard we want, I suppose, but that doesn’t mean they will respect our wishes. We can’t make them not watch certain things. For that matter, I couldn’t make my husband uphold any part of the vows he made to me. So while part of me wants to agree with you, I really have to agree with Sheila because what she is saying is just practical.
Well that’s actually kind of my point. Two married believers tend to believe in God’s standards, but just because they are both Christians doesn’t mean that one or both spouses will make an effort to uphold those standards. But they SHOULD because of their commitment to God and to each other.
My point is married unbelievers can hold one another to certain standards that directly reflect and affect the vows and covenant of their marriage. So why is it that Christian spouses who are married to unbelievers are discouraged from expecting their spouse to uphold certain standards that directly affect their marriage vows and covenant that the unbeliever still agreed to legally and emotionally if not religiously?
I understand that Christians cannot expect unbelievers to live according to God’s standards in all areas of life, but the fact of the matter is that secular people agree with some of God’s standards. Married people are still bound by vows and a covenant (and by law). And they are still expected to love, respect and care for each other.
You’re right. Nobody can make anybody else do anything. But a person can ask their spouse to do something for their sake and the sake of the marriage. If one spouse’s actions are hurting the other spouse, then the offending spouse SHOULD care and SHOULD want to change the actions that are hurting the other person whether they are a believer or not.
I’m personally not a huge fan of compromise in marriage when it comes to a spouse’s emotional wellbeing. It sounds like this woman is really bothered by her husband watching shows and movies with nudity and sexual content because of her faith but also because it seems to be hindering her desire to have sex after he watches this stuff. To me it doesn’t seem likely that this will improve if she simply doesn’t watch what he watches. It will likely make it worse because she’ll still know that he’s watching those shows but she won’t know exactly what’s in them or how bad it is. And when you don’t know for sure how bad something is, you will imagine the worst. In my opinion, if she goes to him (and yes, if she is bothered by something, she should go to him) and says, “the nudity and sexual content is really affecting me emotionally and sexually,” and he refuses to do anything about it, then he is the one with the problem, not her. He can research to find crime shows without nudity or sexual content or he can get something like the VidAngel app to filter that content out. He has options for making sure his wife is comfortable and emotionally healthy and happy. If the nudity truly isn’t what interests him, then he should have no problem doing this for her. If he bulks at the idea, then chances are he is watching partly for the nudity and sex and that is a problem for the marriage whether he is a believer or not. I get the whole, “don’t stress over it because you can’t make him stop it” and “find a way to compromise so that you don’t cause waves and can still get along” angle, but in my opinion, that’s just like putting a bandaid over a wound that needs stiches. This woman is hurting. Pretending it doesn’t hurt won’t make it stop hurting.
There seem to be fewer and fewer movies available that don’t contain nudity, swearing, and violence that I find gratuitous. My solution has been to watch movies using the VidAngel app. It lets you mark the things you want cut out (certain swear words, violence, nude scenes…) and you can watch the movie without those scenes or with the words you’ve marked muted. It’s great! For $10/month I can filter movies and TV shows on Netflix, Amazon, or HBO Amazon. (Some movies, like Disney shows, aren’t available due to a lawsuit that isn’t resolved yet.) It has been a major blessing. Instead of just missing out on most of the movies that come out, I just watch them filtered. LOVE IT!!!
That’s a great suggestion, too, Ann! Thank you.
I just wish people would leave those scenes out, especially when they’re totally unnecessary. And I feel uncomfortable thinking that an actress had to film that, too. VidAngel helps you, but it doesn’t help the actresses (or actors). And I just don’t have a good solution. I really don’t.
but i didn’t know that it could filter even on Netflix. That’s really cool.
Sheila,
Kim’s Convenience is available to watch on YouTube for us in America! 🙂 Just watched episode 1 of Season 1! Cute show!
Oh, my gosh, you will totally get addicted. It’s amazing. I want to be the biggest evangelist for Kim’s Convenience. 🙂 By the way, this is set around the corner from where I used to walk to get groceries when my kids were babies. 🙂
The real crux of this question is the unbelieving husband, and I think The answer is in the question because you can’t hold unbelievers to the same standard – because none of us can reach that standard without the help of the Holy Spirit. I think Sheila gave great advice under those circumstances – instead of trying to tackle this negative thing directly, start proposing and requesting positive alternatives. If he starts experiencing greater fun, connection, and even sexual intimacy with activities that are positive, the negative ones might start to lose some of their power.
Pretending for a moment though, that both spouses are Christian…I think we are really missing how insidiously perverted our entertainment has become, how much it has become idolatry. From major sporting events to our tv shows – would Jesus enjoy participating with us? Could we expect Jesus to cheer with us at the Olympics knowing how many people were left homeless and how quickly all the billion dollar structures would rot? Do we imagine Jesus sharing popcorn with us while a naked woman – who He created – is objectified on the screen for absolutely no reason? Would He accept “oh, I’m not interested in that, I just want to see how the story ends.”
I don’t think the issue is nudity per se. The issue is human dignity. We can’t consume people for our own titillation while preserving their dignity as a unique creation of the living God.
Over the past couple years, we have been in the same place as this reader with trying to clean up our viewing habits – but finding that it’s really almost impossible. It’s so ingrained in everything. No matter how many positive steps forward we make, we still feel like we’re negotiating with God, rather than obeying Him. Right now we are actively praying and discussing getting rid of the tv. Maybe that’s not the right answer for everyone, but that’s where we are.
For all the time and energy we spend as Christians trying to watch tv “the right way” – what benefits do we really get to balance it out?
PS – I recognize that there are explicitly Christian movies and shows…but they are so few and so bad…I just wonder if maybe God is saying that He prefers us to reach out with our actual hands?
Sarah,
I think you’ve hit the other crux—human dignity. Acknowledging the focus of this particular thread is nudity, but Sheila touched on it as well, is the amount of violence in visual media as well, which, to me, is just as pornographic.
I’ll add that our family just recently cut the cable cord, going exclusively streaming. It fosters more determined viewing—we have to seek out what we want to watch vs getting mesmerized by what’s just being piped into the house. It also opened up a world of new options for us as a family—e.g., we’ve reignited our love of jigsaw puzzles, which I started as a chance for my wife and I to connect over something that is screen-free, only to discover that two of my kids love doing puzzles as well. Go figure; wouldn’t have discovered that had I not chucked the cable TV.
And the significant cost saving is a nice cherry ‘pon the top.
Thanks Greg! We haven’t had cable in years now which is a HUGE help – we just still have trouble finding serious shows that don’t contain a bunch of “adult” content. Add to that our toddler getting more and more demanding about screen time when he’s normally such a sweet-natured little guy, and I find myself even getting frustrated with streaming.
I LOVE jigsaw puzzles! And I can’t wait for our son to be old enough to do board games and stuff. Thanks for sharing!
Very welcome, Sarah. Thank you, too, for sharing. I must admit that there’s little I miss about cable now that it’s gone. One thing that I’m learning to appreciate more deeply is radio programming. Fascinating storytelling and sound production, minus any visuals (obviously).
And my appreciation for puzzles is growing as well, if only as a by-product as it’s a platform for me to spend time with my bride.
Sarah, I really agree. That’s why we’ve spent so much time lately on developing hobbies instead. Or just trying to do more things together rather than just defaulting to TV.
And I think that’s why suggesting that people play a game together or find something else to do is likely a better strategy.
I was reading a study recently that said that watching TV, even if you’re watching a comedy, tends to flatten your mood. Like, it doesn’t bring people joy or make you happy. So it seriously is a waste of time. It’s better to find something else to spend your time on!
Thank you Sheila! Do you remember who did the study? I’ll have to google up on that.
There are two things I find tricky about screen time: managing what’s on the screen and managing how often the screen is on. For our toddler, we really noticed him getting a bad attitude about the tv when he’s normally an easy-going little fellow. Turned it off for three days solid and saw a huge improvement.
I’ll read that study to see if it maybe explains that phenomenon.
I know I read it last week! It was on the sidebar of one of the major news sites–something about comedies depress people, too, maybe?
I think it’s what Marshall McLuhan was getting at in the 1960s–“the medium is the message”. Television is passive, so your brain turns off. You actually burn more calories sitting still on a couch in an empty room than sitting on a couch with the TV on. So I’m sure that’s a big part of it!
For me the main question usually is: Is it designed to make men lust? Most pop music videos do not contain nudity, but… well, they have provocative attire, provocative dance and gestures, and so on, and are clearly made to make men lust! Same with movies. Some are trying to play on this, trying to add an erotic factor. Some might have people less clothes on but with no attempt to make it erotic. And the great thing is: those that are trying to make men lust are usually of lower quality, and not really worth watching!
We threw away out TV, so we are spared ads (ads can be so sexual!) and we hand pick the movies and TV shows together. If one of us feels uncomfortable with some movie or series for some reason, we don’t watch it. There are so many great movies out there that have no erotic element in them! Old movies in public domain, funny series, and so on.
I think that’s a really good distinction, Flo. And I’d agree–it’s not just about ticking the boxes about nudity. It’s the bigger picture.
We actually stopped watching Friends in the late 90s because really the storylines were all about who is sleeping with who. And it just got to be too much. It was like, “why are we wasting our time on this?” There was no nudity, but it was the overall theme of the show.
I think it’s a bigger question than only nudity. And I still think that if more of us did OTHER things, like played games together or did a hobby together or took a walk together or even just socialized with friends rather than watched TV shows, we’d be better off! That’s probably a better strategy than just trying to get a list of safe TV shows. 🙂
Absolutely, I prefer activities with more communication, instead of just passively watching something. We have discovered some great board games with story telling elements good for two people. We also sometimes play chess and cards. We discuss different topics, like religion, science, books… We try to bring into our evenings this feeling of two friends having good time together, in a bit of an old school, pre-internet way. It is interesting because when we both started working from home, we were worried: wouldn’t we spend too much time together? But now we also enjoy “chillin'” together in the evenings – time together leads to more good time together.
We quit TV over 20 years ago, never started cable, and have NEVER missed it for a second! There was just too much garbage on! And our kids (10 and younger) were glued to the TV, arguing over what to watch, becoming sarcastic and disrespectful, were unkind to each other, argued a lot, and were generally unhappy. This was just watching the typical kid shows of the 90’s! The TV went off.
The house was more of a mess because we weren’t slouched around the TV. We were busy living, playing, working, learning, making music, playing sports, building, studying, experiencing life in this amazing world, interacting with each other and others. When people would ask our children what their favorite tv shows were, they didn’t even know what was on! Poor dears! I LOVE NO TV!!!!!!!
We got rid of cable in the mid-90s, too. Our kids did not grow up with a TV at all, and I think they’re better for it! I am a bit of a netflix junkie, but we try to do a lot of other things before the computer gets turned on. And the nice thing about Netflix is that you can be deliberate about what you watch.
The problem with trying to address sexual content in media is that what is problematic for one may not be for another. That’s why we took a different approach in our book, Pursuit of Passion (Murphy & Sibert), by providing our readers with a good working definition of pornography.
“Pornography is ANY entertainment that uses immodest or indecent images to stimulate the participant’s sexual thoughts or feelings.”
Hopefully, this is helpful to your readers too.
If what a person is watching affects their mind, heart, desires or their body begins to respond to the imagery, it is pornographic for that person. Honesty, self-awareness and spiritual, emotional and relational maturity is also important, if one is to be discerning and protective of their marriage.
I love that you noted that what affects one person doesn’t necessarily affect the other in the same way. That’s important to understand.
But I do want to add: just being turned on by something doesn’t make it pornographic. Pornography is made with the intent to arouse. But lots of people are aroused by things that are not sinful, but are actually good.
I’m gonna be honest: I know a bunch of guys who got turned on reading Song of Solomon in Jr. High.
And really, people get turned on by all sorts of things that aren’t inherently pornographic. Women breastfeeding, feet, or looking at rennaissance artwork for example. Is a woman breastfeeding pornographic? No. Is a foot pornographic? No. Is Leonardo Da Vinci’s artwork pornographic? No. If someone gets turned on by these things, the problem lies within the individual more than it does with the stimulus.
At some point, people need to recognize that if they are being turned on by things that are not healthy to be turned on by, they need to deal with that trigger. Maybe it’s because of a history of pornography use, maybe it’s because of abuse, or maybe even just due to hangups over how they learned about sex. But just the fact that something turns you on does not always make it pornographic.
We just don’t have TV or Netflix. If it’s not legally available for free online, or at the library we don’t watch it. That really cuts down our options and as a result we watch very little ! Although I must say you’re so right about Kim’s convenience… it’s hilarious ! Looking forward to season 3 in September!
Excellent answer! You touched on two aspects that were eye-opening for dealing with my own relationships: setting reasonable boundaries for myself, and not expecting a non-believer to adopt the standards of a believer.
Well, if it is a Christianity thing where she wants him to feel convicted of sin, then she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. If she honestly feels insecure because he’s watching shows with nudity, whether or not he is getting aroused, I think she has the right to ask him not to. They are married, Christian or not, and respect is necessary for a healthy relationship. It bothers her, so he should find a way to fix that. You can skip scenes and avoid shows that you know are full of nudity. We do. There’s plenty to watch. If I was the reader of this question, I would walk away feeling like I was being told that I can’t expect my husband to change because he’s not a believer. I think you can expect people to respect you regardless of their faith.
My husband is a porn addict. He has put a block on the T.V, his computer and his Smart Phone. He also plans to enroll in the conquer series with a church group. I know he is trying to detox from porn. My problem is he wants to watch the Country Girls groups that are very sexy and is arousing. He says he watches just for the music, and feels I am going overboard. I believe if you are addicted to something you have to stay away from the least little bit of the sin. We are both Christians and he says has only been in porn for about 3 yrs.. He started because of loneliness after a divorce. I am devastated I did not know about the porn when we married.
Oh, Carol, I’m so sorry, but that’s wonderful that your husband is working on the problem! Truly wonderful! Honestly, at this point if he’s trying that hard, I’d pray a lot and see what happens. Give it some time. It could be that when he’s in the conquer program he’ll have conviction about the other. You can also just get up and leave the room if he’s watching something that makes you uncomfortable, and he’ll get the idea. And talk to some of the leaders about your concerns, too. I don’t think getting into a conflict about it with your husband will be productive, though, especially as he’s starting to deal with the porn addiction. As he deals with it, likely more and more layers will peel off, and you may need to give it time to get there.
So, my wife, who is a Christian, and I have a disagreement on this issue. My wife likes shows, movies, books such as Game of Thrones, Orange is the New Black, 50 Shades of Gray (both the book series and the movie trilogy). I believe, based on my views as a Christian that the sex scenes and nudity depicted in them are pornographic. How do I talk to my wife about this? She has the opinion that only XXX hardcore pornography, where people are actually filmed having sex, showing penetration, is pornographic. It kind of pains me that she continues to watch these shows even though I feel that they are pornographic. Am I wrong in my assumption? Her viewing and reading this shows and books hasn’t had a negative impact on our love life, in fact she would frequently get aroused when reading 50 Shades of Gray. But, it has impacted our relationship, for me, as our church teaches that viewing/concuming pornography is tantamount to commiting adultery. So, I am somewhat confused on the subject.
Shawn, if you’re uncomfortable about it, it should matter to her. It really should. And if she’s getting aroused by something else, and then wanting to have sex, that’s not really about intimacy or about the two of you. You could tell her that you’re uncomfortable having sex with her after she’s watched that or read a book like that. Or you could tell her that you would appreciate her giving up these things for YOU, and asking if you could guys could agree to find new things to watch together. But, yes, if it matters to you, it should matter to her.