Being a higher libido wife can be very frustrating–if you’re paired with a lower libido man!
This week here on the blog I’m talking to wives with a higher libido than their husbands. Yesterday and today I want to address the situation where she has a higher libido than he does, but there’s nothing ugly causing it. It’s just a normal difference! Yesterday J from Hot, Holy and Humorous started us out, and today I want to continue that conversation with 10 things that higher libido wives need to know.
Then for the rest of the week we’re going to switch gears a bit and look at marriages where she has the higher libido–but only because he doesn’t seem to want sex at all, and we’ll look at three potential causes of that.
But first, let’s turn to the woman who simply has a high libido. If that’s you, you’re likely feeling a little bit like a freak. In popular culture, we hear how men need sex, and women don’t have the same urge for it. But that’s not how you experience it! Rest assured that you are not alone. When I give my sex talk, one of the questions in the Q&A period is inevitably from a wife with a high libido, wondering how to handle the frustration. So let’s look at 10 things for you to know!
1. Higher libido wives are actually quite common
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed several thousand women and about 1000 men, and I found that 24% of wives had higher sex drives than their husbands. I would think that the average may even be a little higher now, five years later. It seems like men’s libidos are going down.
So it’s not unusual at all for the woman to have the higher sex drive!
2. Women can be visually stimulated too–and many are
We often hear that men are visually stimulated, and women aren’t. And it is true that in studies of sexual arousal, in general different parts of men’s brains light up vs. women’s brains. In one study that I read from The Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that women tended to react more to contextual elements of erotic stimuli (like where she was looking or what clothing she had on) whereas men tended to look at, well, more body parts. And women preferred stimulation that involved the same people in different situations, whereas men wanted all new people. (Not condoning this type of study, of course, just presenting what they found.)
Nevertheless, women did respond to sexual stimuli in this study and in many others. We aren’t ONLY turned on by romantic stories or by relationships. Women do like a guy with 6-pack abs, too, even if women are more likely to consider other factors as well when deciding if someone is “sexy” or not.
3. Women’s sex drives are heavily influenced by culture
Another recent study found that while men tend to have higher libidos than women across almost all cultures, the variability of women’s sex drives was really high. In other words, while men on the whole had higher sex drives, in some cultures the difference between men and women was quite small, and in some it was quite large.
In general, cultures where women are seen as valued and equal to men tended to have women with higher sex drives.
And here’s something else: cultures where there’s lots of sexual shame or sexual guilt ascribed to women tend to have women with much lower sex drives. Cultures where sex is seen as something “dirty” for women don’t tend to produce women with high sex drives. It’s no wonder that many women in our culture, then, do struggle with sex, especially if they grow up with a purity culture that has really negative messages about sex (and why I’m a big proponent in teaching everybody that sex is meant for marriage, but doing that in such a way that doesn’t shame anyone for sexual feelings).
4. The high libido wife may actually be what was intended and designed
If women’s sex drives are highly influenced by culture, and if it looks like shame messages and lack of education can depress women’s sex drives, then maybe it’s worth considering if the high drive wife is actually what was intended? I think God created us to enjoy sex and to yearn for a great sexual relationship in marriage. The fact that so many women don’t experience that, have trouble reaching orgasm, and don’t desire sex at all doesn’t look like it was something that God intended. That looks like it’s more the result of the fall, where sin entered the world and brought shame and relational distance where these were never meant to be.
After all, which looks more like God’s design: A marriage where she really yearns for her husband and enjoys sex, or a marriage where she struggles to get in the mood? Likely the first, right? Just because it may be more frequent for women to find sex boring or to have low libidos does not mean that this is what is normal or that this is what was intended. I think the high drive wife is closer to God’s design, so don’t feel like you’re a freak!
5. If he has a lower libido than you, it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with him
Here’s another bit of good news: Like J shared yesterday in her post about higher drive wives, her husband has a lower libido, but he’s not gay, he’s not into porn, he doesn’t chronically masturbate, nothing like that. Just like libido is on a spectrum for women, it’s on a spectrum for men, too. And it could simply be that he’s perfectly normal and healthy, but his libido is simply lower than yours.
While in many cases there is a more nefarious cause for his low libido, this isn’t necessarily the case. While I’ll be talking about some of those reasons for the rest of the week, know that many guys just don’t want sex all that frequently, and that’s really okay.
Could 31 Days to Great Sex Revitalize Your Sex Life?
If your husband rarely wants sex, and you don’t want to keep bringing it up, sometimes having an external prompt can help!
That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in. It’s a challenge that you do together. Every night you read 2-4 pages, and then you do what it says. Sometimes it’s sexy, sure, but it’s also about learning how to talk about different libidos, talking about the importance of affection, starting new habits, and more!
6. Being the higher libido wife opens you up to sexual temptations
If you’re the spouse with the higher libido, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll feel sexually frustrated. In those moments, it’s easy to think that porn, or erotica, or masturbation will be better than dealing with the frustration. If you can deal with your sexual feelings elsewhere, too, then perhaps you won’t be so angry at your spouse. It can even seem like the loving thing to do!
But it’s not. It will change the way that you see intimacy, and can even cause you to have to fantasize in order to reach orgasm. It changes your sexual arousal patterns. And it’s simply wrong to get aroused by anyone other than your husband.
7. You can channel sexual energy elsewhere
What, then, do you do with sexual frustration? You honestly can channel that energy elsewhere. If you have something else to focus on that takes your attention, that you find interesting and absorbing, you likely won’t find the frustration as difficult to bear. Start exercising to get rid of some energy. Develop a new hobby that engages your brain, or something that engages your body, like gardening or redecorating. The main thing, though, is that it absorbs your thoughts and attention. The worst thing is to sit at home with nothing to do when you’re frustrated. When you have a plan, all is easier to manage.
8. You may have to do more of the work for sex
We typically believe that sex is about us arousing him–he looks at us, he desires us, and so the husband initiates sex. Then sex becomes something in which he tends to be far more active than she is. In your case, you may have to reverse roles a bit. You may have to do more of the initiating. You may have to be more active.
Many lower-drive husbands have said that it isn’t that hard for their wives to get them in the mood, but if she’s waiting for him to initiate, she may be waiting a long time. While it’s important to be romanced and desired, and while he has to understand that, it doesn’t make sex “wrong” if you do more of the initiating.
9. Watch how you talk about sex with your spouse
Sexual frustration can lead to some difficult conversations, and some hurtful words that you may not have meant to say. When you feel undesired and unloved, sometimes it’s difficult not to lash out.
Here are just a few things to remember. We are called to love our husbands, and being hurtful is always wrong. Also, his sex drive, even if it’s lower than normal, is still largely tied to his identity as a man. If you berate him for not acting like a man, you could also make things worse. Finally, when someone doesn’t have a great physical need for sex, talking about your own physical drive may not compute. It’s often better to talk about big picture goals for your marriage, which can lead to an agreement to schedule sex, or at least to understand why you do want to be pursued.
Want a better way to talk about sex if you’re the higher libido wife? Here’s my guide to communicating your needs.
10. Rediscover emotional and spiritual intimacy with your husband
Finally, if you’re not connecting sexually as often as you’d like, often the temptation will be to pull away emotionally as well, because being around him intensifies the feeling of rejection. As much as possible, resist that. Work on your friendship instead. Use my conversation starters for couples, or find a new hobby to do together. When you grow your friendship, or when you start praying together more, you bring down the tension level in the relationship. You feel closer. And that makes it easier to talk about some of these bigger issues, and it also makes it more likely that he’ll want to have sex more, too!
Other posts in this series:
Are you the higher drive wife? What’s the hardest thing for you to deal with? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
$100 says one of the 3 things Sheila will discuss later this week will rhyme with “corn”. 🙂
Yes, I will, because porn is now the biggest cause of men’s low libido. It’s not the ONLY one, but it’s the biggest one. So it has to be talked about.
Thank you for this series!!! I always feel like my husband and I are total freaks because I’m high drive and he is low drive. I’m so thankful for J for writing on this so often and for you writing on this too! I LOVE what you said about how the wife that desires her husband is more part of God’s design!!
Thank you for this!
I really think it is, S. I look at all the women who just don’t enjoy or want sex, and I can’t think that’s what God intended. And when you see all of these studies that show how variable women’s sex drives are cross-culturally, you realize that the way we’re raised truly affects how we feel about sex. So I just think that women having such a hard time with sex must be part of the fallen world, not something that was ever designed. And I put myself in that group, too! I had so many issues when we were first married, and it caused so much heartache, and I really believe that God wants better for us than that! 🙂
I’m glad you’re liking this series. 🙂
Thank you for discussing this. For us, there WAS a problem, and it was his problem, stemming from emotional and physical abuse in his childhood. But EVERY SINGLE mature, respected, Christian woman I ever approached about this issue put it right back on me.
I was told:
Real married life isn’t a romance book. Get a grip and clean up your mind.
When you initiate do you actually touch him? Or are you just hinting around?
You need to pray more.
Well, huh. My husband never stops wanting sex. Hmmmm…
Maybe you’re not doing it right?
Just be a good Christian wife and give him all the sex he wants.
Well aren’t you lucky?
He’s cheating on you.
He’s into porn. He has to be. There’s no other reason for him not to want sex.
It’s not a big deal, you just need to work on you. Lower your expectations. Your demands are probably turning him off and driving him away.
There’s nothing wrong with him, it’s just you.
Thankfully, many years ago I found you, Sheila. And while you never directly addressed my own personal problem, I found so much Godly counsel. Over the years I have read about communication, intimacy, seeking after God in our relationship together, not being afraid to ask the hard questions, standing up and valuing myself and our relationship, being willing to put those boundaries in place and having reasonable, realistic expectations that he CAN heal and change and grow.
Because of that and the change in my attitude, facing the issues instead of festering in resentment, he has gone to counseling. He was diagnosed with attachment disorder and slowly, gradually, things are improving. We have always been friends, but now it’s a deeper more satisfying intimacy and it gets better (healthier) all the time.
So I just want to thank you for all the years that you have spent pouring yourself into this crazy, hostile Internet, sharing God’s wisdom and heart. I know it isn’t easy and you take a lot of flak, but you have made a difference in my life and my husband’s life and, ultimately our kids’ lives for generations to come!
Thank you!
I wish there were more women leaders out there that understood married sex is not your stereotypical “cave-man lusts over woman while she sighs and puts up with it” and the rest of us are all weirdos and freaks!
Oh, I’m so glad that the blog has helped you over the years! That’s amazing. Attachment disorder is a real thing (Rebecca actually did a big research paper in it in psychology). I don’t think we realize how many people are affected by it, and the impact it has. But if God really heals him, that would be such a grace-filled transformation I’m sure! I’m glad things are getting better.
Thank you so much for writing this! This helped me understand my marriage so much better! After a very unhealthy marriage where porn was the main way my husband satisfied himself, and was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I ended up divorcing and being a single mom for 12 years. I had a lot of healing to do in that time and just concentrated on my relationship with God. I prayed so many times that if I were to get married again that I could let all that baggage go and have a heathy marriage and have desire for my husband that I never had before. I married a wonderful man 5 years ago and now I am the one with the higher drive. This has seemed very unusual for me and often wondered what is going on with me!? I get frustrated with my husband sometimes. But God has definitely answered my prayers in a huge way. I never put the two together that this could be exactly the design he wanted in marriage and that nothing is wrong with me. I just simply love and desire my loving husband who has a little lower drive than me. Thank you for helping me get this!
Hi Sheila!
I second S and Laura above, they said a lot I wanted to! I wondered why I wasn’t replied to in yesterday’s post 🙂 and then bang! today had many answers to what I asked yesterday. Finally a series for me!!
I’ve been waiting for these articles, interested to see what you would write, since you were Down Under and told me at the Canberra Girl Talk that “high drive wife posts ” are coming soon! 🙂 It was fabulous to meet you in person.
Anyhow, #4 —- THANK YOU. YES.YES.YES. God’s design. I am so sick of trying to hide that I want my husband consistently, and to feel like friends or whomever will think I’m masculine if they know. I am so tired of looking with envy at wives who claim their husbands pester them while I think they are so lucky and don’t deserve a man who actually seeks sex! In the early years of marriage it was unbearable. I’m still not 100% satisfied with our frequency but as the years go on I have come to your conclusion of #4 and that was actually what I was asking in the comments yestersay!!
#9 evokes a word of warning to other “high drive” or “by God’s design” wives: watch for resentment and frustration. Yes, I have done all you described Sheila. I am ashamed to say I have even shouted in the middle of the night and argued about why he should want me and I’m not a car for routine servicing, etc….arguing doesn’t help. Patience, prayer, perseverance, and communication is really the way forward. And explaining how we feel rejected spiritually and emotionally when we are not physically desired can help if a man is good willed but just low drive.
Thanks again, Sheila! Looking forward to the rest of the week!
Steph
Hi Steph! Just went back through and saw your first comment from Monday (I only saw the second one!) The problem is I get so many comments everyday and a lot are on older posts, so sometimes I miss ones. I’ll go back and reply now. 🙂
But, yes, I really do think it’s likely what God intended all along, and our culture has actually killed many women’s libidos.
Number 7 is not at all true. It’s nearly impossible to channel sexual energy into something else like exercising or scrapbooking. Women’s sexual needs, even for high drive women, are still coming from a need for intimacy and bonding.
Angela, you’re right that it can’t replace the need for intimacy and bonding, which is really what I said in the point about pulling close to him regardless. But I have had a lot of women contact me asking what to do with the pent-up physical frustration, and that’s really what I was addressing here, for women who are physically quite on edge. But pulling close emotionally is so important as well, and I do hope high drive wives can keep figuring out how to do that!
For 20 years, this has been my life. Yes, I am truly frustrated and have to work so hard not to let the resentment come out in a rant. My husband is a great provider and is extremely loyal. I try so hard to just concentrate on that especially since I have MS with significant brain damage that holding a job is not easy. So I’m not only the “freak with the high drive, I’m also one of the only MS sufferers that has not had a decrease in my libido. When I was first diagnosed 14 years ago, I actually thought maybe this is what will kill my libido. “Thank you God, you always have a plan”. Hmm, not so much. At 48, I am letting the enemy get into my head about my marriage. I think back when I almost called off the engagement. Was that God telling me get out and I ignored it? I know I can’t leave. I wouldn’t do that to our daughter plus my life would be significantly harder, and I made a commitment. So, I will continue to make his dinner, get his coffee and all the other things suggested in the 100s of marriage books I have read. I will stay thin and in shape and initiate when I think I have a chance of success.
Ok, rant over. Obviously I had a bad night last night. 🙂 I will now continue to work on my relationship with God because, through Jesus, I will find happiness. Thank you Sheila for posting this series because at least I don’t feel alone in my struggles. God bless. 🙂
Oh, Nancy, I’m sorry! And I’m sorry about the health problems you’re enduring, too. You honestly aren’t alone. I pray that you’ll experience real intimacy with your husband soon!
Sometimes I wonder if this is often seasonal. They first get married, he is the higher drive spouse. Then the babies come and she pours all her energy into them and ignores high drive husband. He gets the message and suppresses his libido. Then years go by and she realizes she js missing something but he is long since checked out of the libido department. Then she becomes the high drive spouse, and he has suppressed all his emotions about being neglected for years so that those emotions don’t cause him to lash out. One commenter above made a point about intiation vs. hinting. I know a wife who thinks/says that she intiates all the time and has never initiated once. Hinting and inviting your husband to come and initiate are not initiation.
I think this is a very real dynamic that I’ve seen a lot! I’ve even written about it–when he’s the one saying no now. And great point about initiating, too!
I like what is being said. My question is this. Do you beleive that the church has made Sex a bad thing. What I mean by that you never heard sermons on it. I had to learn on my own and read Christian authors like Gary Chapman, Jimmy Evans, Dave Willis. Also the other day I seen someone ask a will known pastor and his wife how frequently a couple should have sex and it took them 18 minutes to finally answer the question. That proves my point that even pastors treat sex as dirty and no wonder so many are confused. God created it to be good. What are your thoughts.
Totally agree, Archie! I think we haven’t figured out how to talk about it. That’s why I love delivering my “Girl Talk” event on sex & marriage to churches. It’s amazing how open women are to talking about it!
Love these, Sheila! And that point that she has to work more on it is so important. We ladies are taught that the man should be the primary initiator, even to the point that a woman initiating sex can be seen as her being wanton. But that’s not at all in Scripture! Or the experiences that many of us wives have. It’s good to initiate sex with your husband, and if that’s what keeps sexual intimacy going in your marriage, embrace that role and trust his responsiveness as desire for you.
Absolutely!
Sheila & J.,
Thanks for addressing the higher desire wives in this series of articles. I appreciate your heart on this subject and that you keep it complex. Humans, both men and women, are way more complex than just hormones or other “simple” explanations for sexual desire. My doctoral dissertation was on desire discrepancy in married couples and complexity was a huge take-away.
If I could add one additional point, it would be that screaming doesn’t increase male desire. Many men with lower desire than their wives experience her as harshly critical of him as a man. Some of that tends to be what he reads into it due to his own view of self, but I often find she is more of a screamer – typically emotionally, though sometimes even screaming with her voice. Guys who are the lower drive in a marriage often struggle with the view of their own “manliness” and having her be intensely hypercritical makes the likelihood of him pursuing from strength even less likely. Only occasionally do I believe her hypercritical nature is a core of the desire discrepancy, but often it contributes to the stuckness and polarization of the issue. She will do better to continue to adore, stroke, and affirm while she follows the other advice you have given.
Thanks again for your heart and teaching in this important arena.
Thank you for this post. I’ve struggled with being the higher drive spouse since we first got married. After having a baby 7 months ago I had an amazing period of 3-4 months of almost no sex drive. It was so nice not to be constantly wanting my husband but very much not having sex/being turned down. Now my drive has returned and honestly it’s so tiresome. I wish I didn’t want sex all the time, and if I could change my libido I would. Do you have any posts about dealing with and overcoming masturbation? I struggle with that at the moment. I truly hate it, but to be 100% honest my eye does start to wander if I don’t do anything. That absolutely breaks my heart and I’ve always fled temptation as I never want to cheat on my husband. But I know masterbation is not healthy for my marriage either! Also scheduling sex doesnt work. My husband won’t do that, he says he doesn’t like to “force it” as it’s just awkward. Honestly my life would be so much easier if I just didn’t care about sex. Your blog has been a huge help to me through my marriage and I really appreciate your posts.
Oh, that’s so sad! I’m so sorry. Do you know if there’s anything bad going on with your husband, or if this is just the way he is? Even if he has a lower sex drive that doesn’t mean that you can’t make love AT LEAST once a week. If he’s refusing even that, then the issue is no longer sex drive. It’s become selfishness really, because sex is part of marriage. I think talking about what your expectations are and what’s reasonable is important, and also that you need that connection and intimacy. I am so sorry!
I always thought my husband had the higher drive. It wasn’t until I started working on my own attitude and changed the way I looked at sex in my marriage that I realised in retrospect the other day that We have grown so much closer now that if you asked either of us neither of us can say who has the higher drive!
Since we worked towards intamacy in many other areas sexual union has become a unanimous outworking in our marriage for which I’m grateful.
Sheila I’ve been contemplating this I honestly think that our world has gotten so focused on hormones and physical release driving sexuality that we’ve lost sight of our God given gift of unity and knowing each other. If we focused more on that I don’t think there would be much discrepancy at all in sexual drives within marriage.