Being a higher libido wife can be very frustrating–if you’re paired with a lower libido man!
This week here on the blog I’m talking to wives with a higher libido than their husbands. Yesterday and today I want to address the situation where she has a higher libido than he does, but there’s nothing ugly causing it. It’s just a normal difference! Yesterday J from Hot, Holy and Humorous started us out, and today I want to continue that conversation with 10 things that higher libido wives need to know.
Then for the rest of the week we’re going to switch gears a bit and look at marriages where she has the higher libido–but only because he doesn’t seem to want sex at all, and we’ll look at three potential causes of that.
But first, let’s turn to the woman who simply has a high libido. If that’s you, you’re likely feeling a little bit like a freak. In popular culture, we hear how men need sex, and women don’t have the same urge for it. But that’s not how you experience it! Rest assured that you are not alone. When I give my sex talk, one of the questions in the Q&A period is inevitably from a wife with a high libido, wondering how to handle the frustration. So let’s look at 10 things for you to know!
1. Higher libido wives are actually quite common
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed several thousand women and about 1000 men, and I found that 24% of wives had higher sex drives than their husbands. I would think that the average may even be a little higher now, five years later. It seems like men’s libidos are going down.
So it’s not unusual at all for the woman to have the higher sex drive!
2. Women can be visually stimulated too–and many are
We often hear that men are visually stimulated, and women aren’t. And it is true that in studies of sexual arousal, in general different parts of men’s brains light up vs. women’s brains. In one study that I read from The Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that women tended to react more to contextual elements of erotic stimuli (like where she was looking or what clothing she had on) whereas men tended to look at, well, more body parts. And women preferred stimulation that involved the same people in different situations, whereas men wanted all new people. (Not condoning this type of study, of course, just presenting what they found.)
Nevertheless, women did respond to sexual stimuli in this study and in many others. We aren’t ONLY turned on by romantic stories or by relationships. Women do like a guy with 6-pack abs, too, even if women are more likely to consider other factors as well when deciding if someone is “sexy” or not.
3. Women’s sex drives are heavily influenced by culture
Another recent study found that while men tend to have higher libidos than women across almost all cultures, the variability of women’s sex drives was really high. In other words, while men on the whole had higher sex drives, in some cultures the difference between men and women was quite small, and in some it was quite large.
In general, cultures where women are seen as valued and equal to men tended to have women with higher sex drives.
And here’s something else: cultures where there’s lots of sexual shame or sexual guilt ascribed to women tend to have women with much lower sex drives. Cultures where sex is seen as something “dirty” for women don’t tend to produce women with high sex drives. It’s no wonder that many women in our culture, then, do struggle with sex, especially if they grow up with a purity culture that has really negative messages about sex (and why I’m a big proponent in teaching everybody that sex is meant for marriage, but doing that in such a way that doesn’t shame anyone for sexual feelings).
4. The high libido wife may actually be what was intended and designed
If women’s sex drives are highly influenced by culture, and if it looks like shame messages and lack of education can depress women’s sex drives, then maybe it’s worth considering if the high drive wife is actually what was intended? I think God created us to enjoy sex and to yearn for a great sexual relationship in marriage. The fact that so many women don’t experience that, have trouble reaching orgasm, and don’t desire sex at all doesn’t look like it was something that God intended. That looks like it’s more the result of the fall, where sin entered the world and brought shame and relational distance where these were never meant to be.
After all, which looks more like God’s design: A marriage where she really yearns for her husband and enjoys sex, or a marriage where she struggles to get in the mood? Likely the first, right? Just because it may be more frequent for women to find sex boring or to have low libidos does not mean that this is what is normal or that this is what was intended. I think the high drive wife is closer to God’s design, so don’t feel like you’re a freak!
5. If he has a lower libido than you, it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with him
Here’s another bit of good news: Like J shared yesterday in her post about higher drive wives, her husband has a lower libido, but he’s not gay, he’s not into porn, he doesn’t chronically masturbate, nothing like that. Just like libido is on a spectrum for women, it’s on a spectrum for men, too. And it could simply be that he’s perfectly normal and healthy, but his libido is simply lower than yours.
While in many cases there is a more nefarious cause for his low libido, this isn’t necessarily the case. While I’ll be talking about some of those reasons for the rest of the week, know that many guys just don’t want sex all that frequently, and that’s really okay.
Could 31 Days to Great Sex Revitalize Your Sex Life?
If your husband rarely wants sex, and you don’t want to keep bringing it up, sometimes having an external prompt can help!
That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in. It’s a challenge that you do together. Every night you read 2-4 pages, and then you do what it says. Sometimes it’s sexy, sure, but it’s also about learning how to talk about different libidos, talking about the importance of affection, starting new habits, and more!
6. Being the higher libido wife opens you up to sexual temptations
If you’re the spouse with the higher libido, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll feel sexually frustrated. In those moments, it’s easy to think that porn, or erotica, or masturbation will be better than dealing with the frustration. If you can deal with your sexual feelings elsewhere, too, then perhaps you won’t be so angry at your spouse. It can even seem like the loving thing to do!
But it’s not. It will change the way that you see intimacy, and can even cause you to have to fantasize in order to reach orgasm. It changes your sexual arousal patterns. And it’s simply wrong to get aroused by anyone other than your husband.
7. You can channel sexual energy elsewhere
What, then, do you do with sexual frustration? You honestly can channel that energy elsewhere. If you have something else to focus on that takes your attention, that you find interesting and absorbing, you likely won’t find the frustration as difficult to bear. Start exercising to get rid of some energy. Develop a new hobby that engages your brain, or something that engages your body, like gardening or redecorating. The main thing, though, is that it absorbs your thoughts and attention. The worst thing is to sit at home with nothing to do when you’re frustrated. When you have a plan, all is easier to manage.
8. You may have to do more of the work for sex
We typically believe that sex is about us arousing him–he looks at us, he desires us, and so the husband initiates sex. Then sex becomes something in which he tends to be far more active than she is. In your case, you may have to reverse roles a bit. You may have to do more of the initiating. You may have to be more active.
Many lower-drive husbands have said that it isn’t that hard for their wives to get them in the mood, but if she’s waiting for him to initiate, she may be waiting a long time. While it’s important to be romanced and desired, and while he has to understand that, it doesn’t make sex “wrong” if you do more of the initiating.
9. Watch how you talk about sex with your spouse
Sexual frustration can lead to some difficult conversations, and some hurtful words that you may not have meant to say. When you feel undesired and unloved, sometimes it’s difficult not to lash out.
Here are just a few things to remember. We are called to love our husbands, and being hurtful is always wrong. Also, his sex drive, even if it’s lower than normal, is still largely tied to his identity as a man. If you berate him for not acting like a man, you could also make things worse. Finally, when someone doesn’t have a great physical need for sex, talking about your own physical drive may not compute. It’s often better to talk about big picture goals for your marriage, which can lead to an agreement to schedule sex, or at least to understand why you do want to be pursued.
Want a better way to talk about sex if you’re the higher libido wife? Here’s my guide to communicating your needs.
10. Rediscover emotional and spiritual intimacy with your husband
Finally, if you’re not connecting sexually as often as you’d like, often the temptation will be to pull away emotionally as well, because being around him intensifies the feeling of rejection. As much as possible, resist that. Work on your friendship instead. Use my conversation starters for couples, or find a new hobby to do together. When you grow your friendship, or when you start praying together more, you bring down the tension level in the relationship. You feel closer. And that makes it easier to talk about some of these bigger issues, and it also makes it more likely that he’ll want to have sex more, too!
Other posts in this series:
Are you the higher drive wife? What’s the hardest thing for you to deal with? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
$100 says one of the 3 things Sheila will discuss later this week will rhyme with “corn”. 🙂
Yes, I will, because porn is now the biggest cause of men’s low libido. It’s not the ONLY one, but it’s the biggest one. So it has to be talked about.
Thank you for this series!!! I always feel like my husband and I are total freaks because I’m high drive and he is low drive. I’m so thankful for J for writing on this so often and for you writing on this too! I LOVE what you said about how the wife that desires her husband is more part of God’s design!!
Thank you for this!
I really think it is, S. I look at all the women who just don’t enjoy or want sex, and I can’t think that’s what God intended. And when you see all of these studies that show how variable women’s sex drives are cross-culturally, you realize that the way we’re raised truly affects how we feel about sex. So I just think that women having such a hard time with sex must be part of the fallen world, not something that was ever designed. And I put myself in that group, too! I had so many issues when we were first married, and it caused so much heartache, and I really believe that God wants better for us than that! 🙂
I’m glad you’re liking this series. 🙂
Thank you for discussing this. For us, there WAS a problem, and it was his problem, stemming from emotional and physical abuse in his childhood. But EVERY SINGLE mature, respected, Christian woman I ever approached about this issue put it right back on me.
I was told:
Real married life isn’t a romance book. Get a grip and clean up your mind.
When you initiate do you actually touch him? Or are you just hinting around?
You need to pray more.
Well, huh. My husband never stops wanting sex. Hmmmm…
Maybe you’re not doing it right?
Just be a good Christian wife and give him all the sex he wants.
Well aren’t you lucky?
He’s cheating on you.
He’s into porn. He has to be. There’s no other reason for him not to want sex.
It’s not a big deal, you just need to work on you. Lower your expectations. Your demands are probably turning him off and driving him away.
There’s nothing wrong with him, it’s just you.
Thankfully, many years ago I found you, Sheila. And while you never directly addressed my own personal problem, I found so much Godly counsel. Over the years I have read about communication, intimacy, seeking after God in our relationship together, not being afraid to ask the hard questions, standing up and valuing myself and our relationship, being willing to put those boundaries in place and having reasonable, realistic expectations that he CAN heal and change and grow.
Because of that and the change in my attitude, facing the issues instead of festering in resentment, he has gone to counseling. He was diagnosed with attachment disorder and slowly, gradually, things are improving. We have always been friends, but now it’s a deeper more satisfying intimacy and it gets better (healthier) all the time.
So I just want to thank you for all the years that you have spent pouring yourself into this crazy, hostile Internet, sharing God’s wisdom and heart. I know it isn’t easy and you take a lot of flak, but you have made a difference in my life and my husband’s life and, ultimately our kids’ lives for generations to come!
Thank you!
I wish there were more women leaders out there that understood married sex is not your stereotypical “cave-man lusts over woman while she sighs and puts up with it” and the rest of us are all weirdos and freaks!
Oh, I’m so glad that the blog has helped you over the years! That’s amazing. Attachment disorder is a real thing (Rebecca actually did a big research paper in it in psychology). I don’t think we realize how many people are affected by it, and the impact it has. But if God really heals him, that would be such a grace-filled transformation I’m sure! I’m glad things are getting better.
Thank you so much for writing this! This helped me understand my marriage so much better! After a very unhealthy marriage where porn was the main way my husband satisfied himself, and was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, I ended up divorcing and being a single mom for 12 years. I had a lot of healing to do in that time and just concentrated on my relationship with God. I prayed so many times that if I were to get married again that I could let all that baggage go and have a heathy marriage and have desire for my husband that I never had before. I married a wonderful man 5 years ago and now I am the one with the higher drive. This has seemed very unusual for me and often wondered what is going on with me!? I get frustrated with my husband sometimes. But God has definitely answered my prayers in a huge way. I never put the two together that this could be exactly the design he wanted in marriage and that nothing is wrong with me. I just simply love and desire my loving husband who has a little lower drive than me. Thank you for helping me get this!
Hi Sheila!
I second S and Laura above, they said a lot I wanted to! I wondered why I wasn’t replied to in yesterday’s post 🙂 and then bang! today had many answers to what I asked yesterday. Finally a series for me!!
I’ve been waiting for these articles, interested to see what you would write, since you were Down Under and told me at the Canberra Girl Talk that “high drive wife posts ” are coming soon! 🙂 It was fabulous to meet you in person.
Anyhow, #4 —- THANK YOU. YES.YES.YES. God’s design. I am so sick of trying to hide that I want my husband consistently, and to feel like friends or whomever will think I’m masculine if they know. I am so tired of looking with envy at wives who claim their husbands pester them while I think they are so lucky and don’t deserve a man who actually seeks sex! In the early years of marriage it was unbearable. I’m still not 100% satisfied with our frequency but as the years go on I have come to your conclusion of #4 and that was actually what I was asking in the comments yestersay!!
#9 evokes a word of warning to other “high drive” or “by God’s design” wives: watch for resentment and frustration. Yes, I have done all you described Sheila. I am ashamed to say I have even shouted in the middle of the night and argued about why he should want me and I’m not a car for routine servicing, etc….arguing doesn’t help. Patience, prayer, perseverance, and communication is really the way forward. And explaining how we feel rejected spiritually and emotionally when we are not physically desired can help if a man is good willed but just low drive.
Thanks again, Sheila! Looking forward to the rest of the week!
Steph
Hi Steph! Just went back through and saw your first comment from Monday (I only saw the second one!) The problem is I get so many comments everyday and a lot are on older posts, so sometimes I miss ones. I’ll go back and reply now. 🙂
But, yes, I really do think it’s likely what God intended all along, and our culture has actually killed many women’s libidos.
Number 7 is not at all true. It’s nearly impossible to channel sexual energy into something else like exercising or scrapbooking. Women’s sexual needs, even for high drive women, are still coming from a need for intimacy and bonding.
Angela, you’re right that it can’t replace the need for intimacy and bonding, which is really what I said in the point about pulling close to him regardless. But I have had a lot of women contact me asking what to do with the pent-up physical frustration, and that’s really what I was addressing here, for women who are physically quite on edge. But pulling close emotionally is so important as well, and I do hope high drive wives can keep figuring out how to do that!
100%
Can’t replace intimacy with knitting.
For 20 years, this has been my life. Yes, I am truly frustrated and have to work so hard not to let the resentment come out in a rant. My husband is a great provider and is extremely loyal. I try so hard to just concentrate on that especially since I have MS with significant brain damage that holding a job is not easy. So I’m not only the “freak with the high drive, I’m also one of the only MS sufferers that has not had a decrease in my libido. When I was first diagnosed 14 years ago, I actually thought maybe this is what will kill my libido. “Thank you God, you always have a plan”. Hmm, not so much. At 48, I am letting the enemy get into my head about my marriage. I think back when I almost called off the engagement. Was that God telling me get out and I ignored it? I know I can’t leave. I wouldn’t do that to our daughter plus my life would be significantly harder, and I made a commitment. So, I will continue to make his dinner, get his coffee and all the other things suggested in the 100s of marriage books I have read. I will stay thin and in shape and initiate when I think I have a chance of success.
Ok, rant over. Obviously I had a bad night last night. 🙂 I will now continue to work on my relationship with God because, through Jesus, I will find happiness. Thank you Sheila for posting this series because at least I don’t feel alone in my struggles. God bless. 🙂
Oh, Nancy, I’m sorry! And I’m sorry about the health problems you’re enduring, too. You honestly aren’t alone. I pray that you’ll experience real intimacy with your husband soon!
Sometimes I wonder if this is often seasonal. They first get married, he is the higher drive spouse. Then the babies come and she pours all her energy into them and ignores high drive husband. He gets the message and suppresses his libido. Then years go by and she realizes she js missing something but he is long since checked out of the libido department. Then she becomes the high drive spouse, and he has suppressed all his emotions about being neglected for years so that those emotions don’t cause him to lash out. One commenter above made a point about intiation vs. hinting. I know a wife who thinks/says that she intiates all the time and has never initiated once. Hinting and inviting your husband to come and initiate are not initiation.
I think this is a very real dynamic that I’ve seen a lot! I’ve even written about it–when he’s the one saying no now. And great point about initiating, too!
I totally agree! I think that libido comes and goes, and the most important thing is to communicate openly. I often think of married life as two people swimming in the ocean, with a riptide underneath. It takes two seconds to be separated, and a lot of hard work to stay together. You’ve got to always hang on, always fight to go in the same direction. That fight can be so rewarding, though!
I like what is being said. My question is this. Do you beleive that the church has made Sex a bad thing. What I mean by that you never heard sermons on it. I had to learn on my own and read Christian authors like Gary Chapman, Jimmy Evans, Dave Willis. Also the other day I seen someone ask a will known pastor and his wife how frequently a couple should have sex and it took them 18 minutes to finally answer the question. That proves my point that even pastors treat sex as dirty and no wonder so many are confused. God created it to be good. What are your thoughts.
Totally agree, Archie! I think we haven’t figured out how to talk about it. That’s why I love delivering my “Girl Talk” event on sex & marriage to churches. It’s amazing how open women are to talking about it!
Love these, Sheila! And that point that she has to work more on it is so important. We ladies are taught that the man should be the primary initiator, even to the point that a woman initiating sex can be seen as her being wanton. But that’s not at all in Scripture! Or the experiences that many of us wives have. It’s good to initiate sex with your husband, and if that’s what keeps sexual intimacy going in your marriage, embrace that role and trust his responsiveness as desire for you.
Absolutely!
Sheila & J.,
Thanks for addressing the higher desire wives in this series of articles. I appreciate your heart on this subject and that you keep it complex. Humans, both men and women, are way more complex than just hormones or other “simple” explanations for sexual desire. My doctoral dissertation was on desire discrepancy in married couples and complexity was a huge take-away.
If I could add one additional point, it would be that screaming doesn’t increase male desire. Many men with lower desire than their wives experience her as harshly critical of him as a man. Some of that tends to be what he reads into it due to his own view of self, but I often find she is more of a screamer – typically emotionally, though sometimes even screaming with her voice. Guys who are the lower drive in a marriage often struggle with the view of their own “manliness” and having her be intensely hypercritical makes the likelihood of him pursuing from strength even less likely. Only occasionally do I believe her hypercritical nature is a core of the desire discrepancy, but often it contributes to the stuckness and polarization of the issue. She will do better to continue to adore, stroke, and affirm while she follows the other advice you have given.
Thanks again for your heart and teaching in this important arena.
Thank you for this post. I’ve struggled with being the higher drive spouse since we first got married. After having a baby 7 months ago I had an amazing period of 3-4 months of almost no sex drive. It was so nice not to be constantly wanting my husband but very much not having sex/being turned down. Now my drive has returned and honestly it’s so tiresome. I wish I didn’t want sex all the time, and if I could change my libido I would. Do you have any posts about dealing with and overcoming masturbation? I struggle with that at the moment. I truly hate it, but to be 100% honest my eye does start to wander if I don’t do anything. That absolutely breaks my heart and I’ve always fled temptation as I never want to cheat on my husband. But I know masterbation is not healthy for my marriage either! Also scheduling sex doesnt work. My husband won’t do that, he says he doesn’t like to “force it” as it’s just awkward. Honestly my life would be so much easier if I just didn’t care about sex. Your blog has been a huge help to me through my marriage and I really appreciate your posts.
Oh, that’s so sad! I’m so sorry. Do you know if there’s anything bad going on with your husband, or if this is just the way he is? Even if he has a lower sex drive that doesn’t mean that you can’t make love AT LEAST once a week. If he’s refusing even that, then the issue is no longer sex drive. It’s become selfishness really, because sex is part of marriage. I think talking about what your expectations are and what’s reasonable is important, and also that you need that connection and intimacy. I am so sorry!
I am in the exact same situation. My husband also doesn’t want to “force it.” I am twenty-six and my husband is twenty-seven. We were both virgins when we got married. I always knew I had a high sex drive, ever since I was a child. I was so looking forward to getting married because I thought it meant I could be passionate and intimate and safe with someone in a holy way; I wouldn’t have to masturbate and feel “dirty” anymore. To be honest, there were indications that my husband had a lower sex drive when we were dating, but we had no idea what to look for. We dated long-distance and only saw each other on the weekends (so physical contact was only once per week). We were, and still are, the best of friends.
I have tried to channel my sexual energy into other things, but it doesn’t help for the most part. My libido comes in waves, and some waves happen closer together. I cry and write in my journal because I am so frustrated sometimes. I do everything possible to be a good homemaker and to be physically attractive to him in the hopes that he will desire me more, and my husband recognizes this and reciprocates; he keeps well- groomed and is trying to get rid of his belly.
I am lucky though, in every other way my husband is amazing. I often say to myself, “He knows how to make the fruit grow, he just doesn’t pick it.” He is very similar in temperament to Netflix’s “Sex/Life” husband Cooper Connelly: straight-laced, good provider, gentle, honest, kind, generous to a fault, loyal– but totally vanilla. He has so much self-control. He used to watch porn, but he stopped a year before we met (six years clean). He doesn’t look at other women. He happily cooks, helps with housework, and I know he will be a good father. He does all the right things, and that makes me desire him. I just can’t have him as much as I would like, because he gets in the way.
Like Billie (Cooper’s wife) I am frustrated with him and at my wit’s end, and here is why: he likes soft “pecks” more than passionate kisses. He is indifferent to my sexy texts, or when I initiate (and I’m not shy). He even gently laughs and swats away my hands when I try to touch him. It’s almost as if he finds my advances “cute” or even “annoying” and doesn’t take them seriously, like I’m a child because I have no self-control and he must ward me off because he has more important things to do (like shower, brush his teeth, read for five minutes, and go to bed on time.) I want to love him so badly in so many ways I could burst with the tension I feel inside. He has no idea how many times I have wanted to reach out but haven’t because I knew he had important work to do or he was tired. I really do have more self-control than he gives me credit for. Sometimes we go for weeks at a time without sex (sometimes my libido goes down and accommodates this, sometimes not.)
I have no past lovers to fantasize about, and I am grateful. I just want him, fully and completely. And I wonder why he doesn’t want me.
I always thought my husband had the higher drive. It wasn’t until I started working on my own attitude and changed the way I looked at sex in my marriage that I realised in retrospect the other day that We have grown so much closer now that if you asked either of us neither of us can say who has the higher drive!
Since we worked towards intamacy in many other areas sexual union has become a unanimous outworking in our marriage for which I’m grateful.
Sheila I’ve been contemplating this I honestly think that our world has gotten so focused on hormones and physical release driving sexuality that we’ve lost sight of our God given gift of unity and knowing each other. If we focused more on that I don’t think there would be much discrepancy at all in sexual drives within marriage.
While I’d say in general I am the higher libido wife I can usually get my hubby in the mood. Sometimes I’ll send him sexy texts during the day and yes I will even send him a sexy pic of myself, like pretty erotic to start lighting his fire. When he’s home I’ll run my hands lightly over his genitals thru his jeans and give a gentle squeeze or I’ll butt grind him. Or I’ll bend over when he’s sitting to give him a kiss and give him a nice glimpse of my cleavage. I do all sorts of things if I think he may not be interested that night but I’m raring to go. Most men are quite visual as we know and usually a couple of these tricks will work just fine and he’ll get the point. These are just some of my tricks of the trade. He was the higher libido for the first 23 years of our marriage. I was tired, raising kids and nursing. Now the roles have switched, I initiate way more than him and pursue him and I usually get my way. NOT saying this will work for everyone but maybe this will help some of you gals?
Done! 🙂
You rock! Love your blog, I have learned so much! Keep up the amazing work!
In all seriousness, I wonder if men’s growing addiction to video games has anything to do with lower libidos. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he’s always had the lower libido, but it took a dramatic nosedive when he became addicted to online gaming. I initiate every time, but am rejected 90%. We’ve had so many conversations about how it’s important and he’ll even be remorseful, but if we schedule a night, he can’t pull himself away from his games. It’s getting worse and we’re about to hit 2 months without sex. My sister in law just got married 6 months ago and they’re only having sex once a month due to his gaming.
ABSOLUTELY! It’s actually been proven. Video games stimulate the same areas of the brain as other addictions, and it dulls the libido because of it. I should write a follow-up post on video games and revisit this, because it is a huge and growing problem.
Your ministry is awesome Sheila, keep it up! Do you ever talk about sexual frustration for singles? Thanks 🙂
I am definitely the higher libido wife. It is really had and we spent many years with me feeling resentful and like there was something wrong with me. Fortunately we managed to start talking about it and things are much better (although still not a frequent as I’d like).
I think another point is that if the wife is the one with the higher libido, the husband doesn’t have the same sense of needing to put in effort to make it feel good for the wife, since he knows she’ll be up for it regardless. This in the past has led to pretty frustrating sex because he wasn’t that interested in making it last or making it feel good for me. And because all the science about sex taught when you’re growing up is that it’s over when the guy orgasms, he figured there was nothing more to it. He didn’t understand for years why I was so frustrated when “we had sex yesterday” but that sex had only lasted 5 minutes. I think in a marriage where the guy is the one with the higher libido, he has more incentive to make it worthwhile for his wife to try and ‘persuade’ her. In our marriage if I’m the one doing the initiating he’s almost at full throttle before he’s even thought about touching me. I think there’s an assumption that if the wife has a high libido she’ll also find it easy to orgasm, which is definitely not the case in our marriage!
Things are a lot better now, thanks to lots and lots of communication, but it took about 9 years of marriage to get there!
That’s an excellent point, A. I’m going to mull that over and think about that, and try to remember it when I write about this again. So true.
Someone was saying on a different thread, too, that because the church frames sex as mostly “for him”, then when he has the lower libido, he thinks it’s not a big deal, because she shouldn’t want it anyway. With a low libido wife, she’s got it drummed into her over and over again that guys need it, so she feels like she should. Guys have no such thing.
So it’s just a double whammy in many ways. I’m sorry.
Absolutely agree with that point. Wives are consistently reminded not to ‘deny’ our husbands but guys are never taught to make sure they’re not denying their wives. I personally think it would be better to stop making statements about what men want vs what women want and just acknowledge that all people are different to each other and want/need different things and we need to be ready to communicate and meet our spouses needs well.
Early in our marriage we were at a marriage seminar and they were talking about sex. The guy very briefly acknowledged that in some marriages the woman is the one with the higher sex drive, then paused and said “and if that’s you, we hate you”. It was said in jest and i think the implication was that those men are getting sex whenever they want it, but there was no acknowledgement of how that might be a really painful and difficult situation for the women in those marriages. It was as if since the husband was satisfied there would be no problems with the sexual relationship. I came away feeling like a freak and really hurt.
This exact things happened to me and the same words were said. And yes… I feel like a freak and it also make me feel cheep. 🙁 I hate it so very bad and it gets in my head a lot.
Sigh. I am a husband crashing this party. I am the one with the higher sex drive and always have been. I don’t try to make sex rewarding for my wife because it’s needed for her to get fulfillment. I make it great for her because giving her pleasure is my favorite part and that gives me more pleasure and satisfaction.
Based on my wife physical and emotional reaction to our sex, I might think I’m almost a superstar in the bedroom. That’s one reason I can’t understand her huge lack of desire.
My wife tells me she loves me and adores me probably 50 times a day (really). She always wants to be with me and constantly flirts with me. I am confident she loves me like crazy. I simply cannot understand why she avoids sex so steadfastly. She could go months or years without it. Most of the time, when we do make love, she has several very intense orgasms. How can she have almost no interest in sex????
I know that she was molested by some family members when young. After 30 years of marriage, thousands and thousands of dollars of Christian counseling, countless prayers, and lots of effort, that had not changed. Our marriage is actually great except for this one big problem.
I think her past and her prescription medicine are big factors. But I think selfishness is a major component. I long for heaven, when the curse will be lifted.
I chose years ago to treat her and love her just as if she were meeting my every need. I hoped it would make a difference, and it did make our relationship much better (or at least more peaceful), but did little too help our sex life.
I hate conversation. I’m a quite person but nature. My wife really really needs it. I would really hard to give her what she needs without complaint and I have taken measures over our lifetime to be better at it and embrace it. I didn’t want to do any of that, but I chose to do it for her and I’m glad I did. We are both better for it. Why can’t she make that kind of effort for me?
I think some people are just selfish and or have big character flaws. I will never stop trying and I have no intention of divorcing or having an affair.
I also know that she knows the difficulty of the temptations and dispair I’ve battled at times.
My life is not defined by this issue. But it is a heavy burden. But we can have peace and joy in Christ Jesus in the face of this. So I continue to be a good husband for her and try not to be defined by this, but focus on all the other joy in my life.
I married my husband 5 yrs ago and this is a huge issue in our marriage. Personally I was physically abused as a child and that caused deep scars. I had no respect for my body and found physical acts got attention. In my early 20s I got into my first “real” relationship and I was just happy that someone loved me. It was a terrible relationship but I remember having a higher drive then him. After that relationship I jumped straight into another, it was even worse emotionally (I honestly think he may have been multiple personality or schizophrenic) and again, I had a higher drive. I then spent several years trying to get me “fixed” and later dated a man that was very kind, but again had much less sex drive then me. At that time of my life I knew I was messed up, but could my desire for sex be that extreme. To be honest I wanted intamacy 3-4 times a week… not per day… I was not a nymphomaniac by any means. Then i found myself single and God scooped me up. We had a lot of amazing time together and I feel he healed so much of me. Forgiveness is such an amazing thing. I married my husband at 29 in the happiest and most healthy place in my life. We both agreed that we wanted to wait for physical intimacy and we really tried hard! Looking back there was more intimacy then then after the day we said “I do.” My husband (MH) has a very mild sexual experience and had only 3 partners prior to marriage, compared to my low self esteem college days he was a SAINT! One of those partners was his ex-wife. He had a low drive with her as well and it was a huge point of contention. She beat him down and I can only imagine the effect that had on him. The funny thing was that in front of all our friends and even his parents he would grope, grab, and touch ANYTHING on my body and make tons of sexual remarks, but in the bedroom there was virtually no intimacy. In fact if I asked he turned me down. For the first 3 yrs I would day I was rejected 75% of the time I asked or hinted and he only propositioned me a handful of times. In years 4/5 I just stopped asking. The problem is that I still want it physically. And I know that emotionally it will make us a better couple. But he still pushes me away in that area and we cannot stop stop fighting. Our sex life is not the root of our fights, but it certainly creates pain.
I knew that 25% of wives have higher drives then their male spouses, but my problem is that it seems that every man I have been with has a lower drive then me (or in earlier relationships perhaps it was a control thing.) I don’t believe that I am broken or obsessed, a few times a week is not rediculous. I am afraid that our marriage started with so little sex that we will never truly connect and our fighting will just end our marriage. It is difficult for people to “make love” while fighting and anger can emotionally damage someone if done wrong, but make up sex is a very good thing… there is none of that. Oh and any sex I do get is predictable and lasts about 10min or less. I am just glad I get it but I so desperately want to enjoy something that was so hurtful and robbed of me as a child. In a safe marriage sexuality is OK and healthy and my desire to be sexual is still being seen as a terrible thing, even in marriage.
It feel like I am the emotional one and the sexual one. It is so much to pile onto someone. My husband just wants to live in this placid life with no conflict where everyone just lives in a utopia. Problem is he is in a fallen world and life isn’t perfect!!!
That was a lot of writing. Thanks for posting this article. I will have to look around at other posts and read other articles you have written.
I agree with this but it’s still soooo frustrating !! We are “active” about 5 out 7 nights a week but I feel the need all day every day & he can’t keep up. I have tried all the hobbies idea & we have 5 kids together, I’m involved in serval PTO’s & at every church event that’s happening so trust me I’m busy. However I can’t ever get enough! I want to give him a break but I can’t because it’s such a struggle to not get what I’m feeling my body crave. We have been married for 18 years & have only ever been with each other so I don’t really know what’s normal or not. I pray about this all the time to either slow my drive down or speed his up, I don’t care which. I just want relief & I can’t figure out how to get it. He use to pretty much attack me before we got married for it because his drive was so high but now nearing 40 he is just like ok you win & it makes me feel like he is doing his chores & not enjoying it. I feel like I was tricked into the marriage a bit because he knew my drive was crazy high & I was lead to believe his matches mine. I know that’s not true but that’s how I feel. We believe once married you stay married but this is truly difficult for our marriage. I know other will think “why is she complaining “ but I’m not trying to, but It’s something I’m struggling with & can’t find help for it. I have ask my husband to take supplements to increase his drive but he said 5 nights a week means his drive is plenty good & I should be happy with it. The hard part is I know he is right, but I don’t know how to decrease my drive so I thought increase his might help. I don’t know what to do !! Do you have any advice?? Being a Christian couple this subject is a hard one to get help for being as we don’t talk about it much ( I don’t have that problem but other Christian women find it weird) also there is no porn or other form of “activities “ going on just us 2, but I have never experienced the big “O” so that may have something to do with it, I really don’t know anymore .
How come in all of these articles, if the man has the higher drive then the woman is warned she needs to try harder to get in the mood so he doesn’t stray; but when it’s the other way around “he’s perfectly normal and wives need to channel their energy into something else “?? How about telling men they need to work on it too…?
Hailey, I actually do have that as an important part of the 31 Days to Great Sex, which is done with couples! The issue is that this post is directed at women, so it’s trying to give women advice on what THEY can do. When we speak at marriage conferences to mixed audiences, we always tell men they have to step up to the plate. But on posts directed at women, we try to just give women advice that can help.
Exactly Hailey. I completely agree. It is much more devastating and gut-wrentching for a high libido wife to work with a low libido husband than having it the other way around. It is truly impossible to understand the gravity of this situation if a person is not experiencing it firsthand. I believe that is why good suggestions that yeild lasting results aren’t given. Most people do not understand this incredibly hard circumstance to be in. Why can’t the low libido husband work harder to sexually satisfy his high libido wife? This needs to be advice widely given to men. I am in this situation and it continually devastates me. I am often able to “numb” myself to my situation for a while, but then the suppression of my desire bubbles up and I listen to marriage podcasts about working through the opposite circumstance and I feel so defeated! I cry, why can’t that be me! It is not fair. I suppose this is my thorn in the flesh to bear for the rest of my days on earth.
I’m 31 and married for the first time just a couple of weeks ago (so this may seem like a “boo hoo poor you” situation to some of y’all). My husband has a rather…diverse past, and has had quite a lot of sexual partners. I have only had him. I’m sorry to say that although we truly tried and wanted to wait until we were married to have sex, we didn’t. We had sex a lot. Before we were married, we had trouble keeping our hands to ourselves, but now that we’re married, he seems so much less interested. He tells me it’s not a rejection, that he loves me, that he does find me desirable, etc., but what I can’t figure out is what changed between then and now. Shouldn’t our sex life be so much better now that we’re married? Shouldn’t the intimacy be exponentially deeper? I know these things take time to figure out, but as a bride of only 3 weeks, I’m already feeling kind of cheated. And to add insult to injury, I’ve only experienced orgasm twice in my time with him, and while he does his best to hold off until I’m finished, he usually can’t because of how long it takes me. I’ve been reading books, praying, and (pitifully) crying a lot over this. I had really high expectations for sex in marriage, but he just doesn’t seem to find it as important as I do.
I’m in a similar situation as a newlywed. We’ve been married less than 6 months. He wanted me but I didn’t cave until the honeymoon. He was addicted to porn and had many sexy partners until March 2018 when he gave his life to Christ. At first his low libido was definitely due to low testosterone and low Vitamin D levels which I insisted he have checked. Now that is corrected and he has a new less stressful job and he’s much happier and had more energy. However he still doesn’t really want sex more than once or twice a week, if then. He told me to get a vibrator so that I could make myself feel good, so I did. While it helps with my sexual tension, it absolutely does nothing for intimacy with my husband nor my self esteem. I bough the 31 days to better sex and hope he will listen at the tidbits I share as he has refused to read the book with me. I love my husband but our sex life is disappointing.
I used to have a much higher drive than my husband. Then I had our daughter and now we are pretty much equal in wanting to initiate thanks to all those postpartum hormones changing things up. I just hope things don’t shift dramatically again once she weans! That much change is hard!
Its funny, I’m not religious as an adult, although I went to Christian private school as a kid, but I still find myself on this blog 9/10 times when searching out answers about marriage. I can always find something useful, & anything that doesn’t apply, I move on from. No need to try to convince anyone they should view it differently or anything. I see that a lot on sites like this where someone who doesn’t hold the same views tries to enter the comments on a high horse telling everyone else they’re wrong. As if that ever changes people’s minds. The irony that non religious people hate trying to be converted, yet do the same in reverse to religious people is not lost on me.
With all that said, I think #4 is really smart & I never looked at it from the perspective of maybe I’m actually the normal one. I wasn’t shamed, so I’m not ashamed now & that healthy (healthier?) view results in my increased desire for sex compared to most women.
I also really appreciate the translation of what he likely hears when I say I want more sex & intimacy instead of what I actually mean. How I’m not as disciplined as they are. I can’t remember if that was this post or another from this series, as I’ve just read 4 or 5 in a row. It just really made sense and clicked with the response I usually get & why I feel like my need is being distorted into something that makes me wrong, or lacking in self control, because that’s probably exactly what it’s doing.
So thank you! I’ve read a few new ideas to think more on & alter my approach…..again. (For the millionth time)
Ruby, I’m so glad you’re here, and that you find it helpful!
Hi friends, I just wanted to say thank you for your comments and wisdom. Thank you Sheila for writing this post. It gives me a tremendous amount of peace to know I am not alone and that there is a God-spirited community of support that understands. God bless you all. I would count myself among those wives who have the higher libido and have had many occasions of deep suffering from feeling rejected, unattractive, and confused. Especially because my husband and I are still in our 20s and have only been married for almost two years, this truth has been a hard pill to swallow and come to terms with. I look forward to more tips and engagement with this community.
I’m thankful to see this article. I’ve definitely been the one with the higher sex drive. My husband has been addicted to porn. We weren’t intimate for the first ten years of our marriage. It was very hard. I was tempted many times to have affairs wondering if anyone would find me attractive. Im glad to hear that it’s more common. Women like me need to hear this. Thank you so much!
I don’t know what to think about this article. I waited until I was married for sex and ended up marrying a guy who didn’t ever initiate, look at me, or care if months went by or not. For years I cried alone at night while he slept. And the times he did want it was 12 midnight where it would be like 2 min and done. He’d roll over & go back to sleep leaving me feeling worthless.
Sure we hugged. We got along mostly. He was a decent guy. But we had zero intimacy. Now, 8 years late, we do not touch each other at all. I can’t stand him. I’m so angry and bitter towards him for all the years he ignored me and made me feel invisible and ugly and unwanted. Occasionally he will try but the anger I feel towards him bubbles inside and I cannot. Because I know this one time he wants it will be the one time in another 6 months.
I don’t believe these kinds of marriages are biblical or right.
Heather, that really isn’t right, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. He’s withholding sex, and it’s wrong. Can you get to the bottom as to why? Is it a porn addiction? Low testosterone? Same sex attraction? Psychological hurt or trauma? Even guys on the lower end of the libido spectrum do desire sex more than once every few months, so something does sound like it’s going on. I would insist that you see a counselor together, because it isn’t okay. It really isn’t.
Are you confident that your husband isn’t “getting it somewhere else?” (Eg. porn, masturbation, other activities?) this sounds familiar to many wives I have talked to. There’s nothing wrong with you, but there may be something he’s hiding.
Reading your book, and seeing this site have given me insight into my spouses needs, wants, and desires. I’ve been sidelined with CFS/ME and FM for over 25 years now, and while I never strayed from my spouse, I never paid enough attention to her. Now, I’m trying to deal with a completely destroyed personal life, and a too long neglected relationship with my spouse of 38 years. I have no thoughts, feelings, or desires for sex, and in general lack any interest in it. My doctor has diagnosed me with anhedonia, but I feel like it’s just an extension of my CFS/ME and FM symptoms, and hopefully the therapist will be able to suggest some positive means to this end. I thought God revoked my libido at first, seeing as how it fell closely after my prayer of healing of my CFS and FM. Although it didn’t seem to bear any relationship to my prayer request, I held firmly that it must be God’s will. Then I started to question the very relationship I have with Jesus, and came to the realization that God wasn’t involved at all with what I perceived as divine intervention, but the gift of CFS/ME and FM that keeps on giving (actually taking away everything that makes for a life in the walk of Christ) and has finally given me what I aspired to: comfortable numbness. I realize now that will never allow for my relationship with my wife to work properly, and I fervently hope, and pray that my marriage is still salvageable as I still love my wife very much. I just presumed that getting her flowers a couple times a month, saying love to her everyday and night, complimenting her daily, was enough. I was so wrong that I was shocked when she wrote me a 3 page letter detailing her feelings, frustrations, and hurt that I caused by doing nothing for the past 22 years. Neglect is the easiest pit to fall into, and simply accepting the status quo as what is usual, and customary becomes a habitual behavior that my wife could no longer tolerate. I accept my missive, and hope, and pray that I can find a way back to God’s plan for my wife and I. Sorry to rant so long, my FM is telling me enough already, so hopefully I didn’t bore you too much with my picayune trifles. God Bless, and thank you for all that you do in God’s name!
May I please make a recommendation: either write a book, or start a forum on people whose lives have been derailed by chronic illness. It affects everyone, not just the old and infirm. Why no one seems interested in this topic isn’t entirely clear to me, but in the fullness of time, God’s will shall be shown as it always has in the past. All that I ask for is for someone to start the discussion of how chronic illness affects relationships in our walk with Christ, and our relationship with our spouses. Is that too much to ask? God bless, and may God’s light shine eternally in yours!
As someone that has been married for 13 years, I know for a fact that another obstacle that should have been addressed is that the husband looks at porn and has destroyed his desire for a flesh and blood reality. How do you advise women who are married to a man who is actively seeking biblical recovery to deal with the lack of interest and desire in this area? I’ve read a lot of evangelically based books that just say “give him more sex!” and never address the woman who wants it more and yet has a husband who has killed the sex in their marriage with porn use.
We are always told or expected to work on our marriages by trying to do things that are especially with important to our spouses. I am the one who needs it without a doubt, and I have talked about this quite a bit with him. There has been no moved to change or help in any way. It hits me deeply, like I’m not desirable enough and or not worth his time. I wish there was just a pill I could slip him and fix this.
Thank you for this, we went through this and I felt disconnected as a couple, it was very frustrating for me. We had to learn new communication tools believe it or not when his sex drive dropped.