Pornography can steal a man’s sex drive.

We’re talking this week about women with the higher sex drive in marriage. On Monday and Tuesday we were looking at women with a high sex drive when there’s nothing wrong with him. After all, sometimes the wife has the higher libido simply because he’s on the lower end of normal and she’s on the higher end!

Increasingly what’s happening, though, is that men have a low sex drive because something is stealing it. And the number one culprit is pornography.

So I’d like to switch gears today, for Wifey Wednesday, and look at how porn can steal a guy’s libido, and what you can do about it.

Some links below are affiliate links.

There could be a lot of reasons for your husband's low libido, but the most common reason could be harming your relationship!

What can cause a man’s low libido? I deal with all the reasons your husband may not want to make love here, but in general, they are:

  • Stress
  • Emotional or Sexual Issues (like attachment disorder, homosexuality, etc.)
  • Medical Conditions or medications
  • Relationship Issues
  • Pornography

If you look back on studies from the 1970s and 1980s, about 15% of women in marriages had the higher sex drives. Today it’s around 30%.

So why has it doubled? Well, if you look at that list, only one thing has significantly changed, and that’s access to internet pornography.

The number of marriages where SHE has the higher sex drive have doubled in the last two decades. And the reason? Many men are killing their sex drives with pornography.Click To Tweet

If you have a higher sex drive than your husband, it absolutely does not mean that he’s using porn. But if he honestly never wants sex, and if he isn’t overweight, depressed, or on medications, I’d certainly look into it. I don’t mean a guy who just has a lower sex drive than you, as J explained in her post on high drive wives on Monday. I mean a guy who truly never wants to make love. That’s just not normal, it’s a major red flag in marriage, and what I’ve seen, over and over again, is that porn is the culprit.

I’ve actually written quite a lot about pornography on this blog, because it’s one of the most common questions I get. In fact, just this morning I woke up to this comment on the blog:

[This is] so much like what I experienced for so many years – feelings of rejection from my husband not wanting me physically even after stopping porn several times over the years of our marriage, and hundreds of nights spent crying myself to sleep. And yes, the frustration of your own sexual needs not being met! Eventually he always went back to porn, and I always went back to ignoring it and just staying distant from him…

Here’s another recent one:

 I also was so confused on our honeymoon when my new husband seemed to have little interest in me! I kept waiting for the whole “newlywed stage” to happen and it never did. Lingerie means little to him still. Sex has been the one ongoing marriage issue that we have had. Sometimes I feel like it was all a waste, my whole twenties were spent begging for and waiting for my husband to show an interest in me. Ultimately I found out porn was an issue for my husband, he has been three years free of it now. The hard thing right now is that after marriage counselling , my husband has rededicated his life to Christ and is a completely different man than he was six months ago. he is loving and kind to me and affectionate, but still has little sex drive and some ED and it’s just heart breaking that as good as everything else is right now , that we just can’t get that part of our marriage right.

Porn kills a sex drive, because it associates sexual arousal and sexual response with an image rather than a person, and then you can’t get aroused by a person. It also trains a man to need really intense stimulation to orgasm (because he’s masturbating at the time). Finally, perhaps more importantly, it teaches him to run away from his feelings, and since it’s emotional vulnerability that builds closeness and often sexual desire in marriage, he doesn’t have a chance to build desire because he doesn’t know how to build closeness.

Porn use kills a guy's sex drive for his wife, but do we understand WHY? Here's the explanation: Click To Tweet

I thought rather than write more about it I’d share it here:

Here are other posts that I’ve written on pornography and a guy’s sex drive, and how to recover from it:

Finally, here’s another comment that I received from a woman recently:

We recently unplugged our internet router and sold my husbands iPhone for a flip phone without data. He suffers from internet and pornopraphy addiction. We have come to realize that eliminating internet except on my phone simply to pay bills and check email is our only remaining option. This is a lifelong decision as he will never again own a smart phone or have home access to WiFi and internet. We are one step away from losing our marriage to pornography. I hope the inability to access it will be the breakthrough he needs. The pain this has caused to me is almost unbearable. My self worth has dissipated, I know I’m beautiful because I’ve been told my entire life I am but when i look in the mirror I don’t see beauty. If I didn’t have two children ages 2 and 4 with him I would already be gone. I can’t bring myself to raise them in poverty and tear them back and forth. This thought only adds to my depression. He wants to quit and he says he loves me. Maybe we have a sick idea of love.

My heart breaks for her. It really does. She’s just decimated by this, and I hope that men reading this article understand what porn use does to women. Many wives of porn users actually have characteristics of PTSD!

But let me also say this: I truly believe that in her situation, things can get better. First, they have installed controls on their computer. An internet filer won’t cure a porn addiction, but what it does do is provide the foundation so that now you can actually start looking at a cure! It’s like when an alcoholic pours out all the bottles that are left in the house. That doesn’t cure the alcoholism, but it is a necessary precondition for them to get better. So this step is a good first one! (And everyone with a porn addiction really does need controls on their computer. And everyone with teens in the house does as well. Let’s stop addictions before they start!)

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Then, once the temptation is a little further removed, get into a recovery group so that you can talk about what drew you to porn and see the repercussions it’s had.

But the final one is really what I was talking about in the video, and it’s likely the most important one: learn how to be real about your emotions. So many porn users don’t deal with emotions because they run to porn instead. When guys start being able to be emotionally vulnerable–that’s when real spiritual healing takes place, and that’s when the libido will return.

I just want to say, too, I am so sorry for those of you who are walking through this with an addicted spouse. Truly sorry. My heart honestly breaks for all the pain that this is causing. And I pray that you can get to the point where there is a real breakthrough soon.

Have you ever had to walk through a porn addiction? Does this idea of hiding one’s real emotions resonate with you? Let’s talk in the comments!

SheilaSidebarAboutMe - Wifey Wednesday: When Porn Is Stealing His Sex Drive Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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