Could erectile dysfunction be wrecking your husband’s sex drive?
This week I’ve been writing for higher-drive wives, and today we’re turning to another reason why a husband’s sex drive might be sub-zero: If he’s suffering from erectile dysfunction. Yesterday we looked at how porn kills a man’s libido, and today we’re going to look at the further effects of sexual dysfunction.
When I did research for erectile dysfunction for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, here’s what I found:
According to the National Institute of Health, chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) affects 4 percent of men in their 50s, 17 percent of men in their 60s, and 47 percent of men over 75. Transient, or temporary, ED affects about 50 percent of men between 40 and 70.[i] About 70 percent of chronic ED has physical roots, while the rest has psychological and emotional roots.
[i] “Erectile Dysfunction (ED) Overview, Incidence of Impotence,” Remedy Health Media, http://www.urologychannel.com/erectiledysfunction/overview-of-impotence.shtml.
So 50% of men will experience ED erratically between the ages of 40 and 70. And quite a few will before that age, too! As we looked at yesterday, that’s often due to porn use, even if the guy quit pornography years ago. Because porn rewires the brain so that what’s stimulating is an image, rather than a person, and because porn use is usually accompanied by masturbation, a man can get used to needing a lot of stimulation to maintain an erection. Being with the same woman doesn’t always do it (because he’s retrained his brain so that sex is not about intimacy, as it’s supposed to be, but about variety).
And erectile dysfunction is not the only sexual problem, either. Premature ejaculation, where the man ejaculates within 2-3 minutes of starting intercourse, affects quite a few men, too. I’ve had so many frustrated women comment on the blog lately about how sex doesn’t feel very good, and from their comments it’s quite clear that it’s not lasting long enough for them to get aroused. Sometimes women don’t always realize that this can be a sign of sexual dysfunction, since men should be able to control themselves and go for longer. If they can’t, there could be neurological or chemical issues that doctors can help with, or they could have a porn problem.
Here’s more information on premature ejaculation.
Nevertheless, not all erectile dysfunction (or premature ejaculation) is due to pornography.
Erectile dysfunction largely stems from four things:
- Health issues or medication issues (which exacerbate with age)
- Emotional problems or relational problems
- Performance anxiety from previous problems (the vicious circle of ED)
- Pornography
Until relatively recently, ED was thought of as an older man’s issue, and health problems would have been the #1 reason. That’s what Viagra was created for!
But more recently that hasn’t been the issue. A large scale study out of Italy when I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex found that most new cases of ED were now of men under the age of 40. It’s not a physiological issue. It’s a porn issue.
So let’s just separate these two issues for a minute.
When Erectile Dysfunction Has a Physical or Emotional Cause
If erectile dysfunction is transient (like it comes and goes and only happens occasionally), and it seems to stem from either stress or some health issues, then watch how you react. What you don’t want to do is to feed that vicious circle that comes from performance anxiety! Just be matter of fact about it. “This happens sometimes, it’s not a big deal, it’ll be fine next time we try, let’s just watch a movie instead.”
If it does happen more frequently, do see your doctor. It may be an early warning sign of a more important health issue that needs to be dealt with.
And don’t be afraid to try Viagra. It doesn’t make him less of a man or make him a failure. I need glasses because my eyes aren’t perfect. If you need something to give you a boost because your body isn’t perfect, that’s totally okay.
Most erectile dysfunction with physical or emotional roots, though, occurs in slightly older men. Most of you reading this blog are younger. And so I’d like to talk about the most common cause for you, which is:
Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)
But then there is porn induced impotence, or PIED, which is becoming increasingly more common. Covenant Eyes has a great in-depth FREE download on PIED, that goes into the biology of it, and has quite a few stories of what it’s like facing this and how you can defeat it. I read it this week and was really impressed. One woman wrote:
“My husband could not keep an erection, and it was very difficult for him to climax right from the beginning of our marriage. For the next six years our sex life suffered until he confessed that [he] had been addicted to porn since he was very young.”
They also included a story from Noah Church, who now runs a porn-recovery website. He doesn’t come from a Christian background, but honestly, this story is pretty much like so many that I get in emails:
“I found myself as one of the first people to grow up in the age of the Internet when it was common for homes to have a computer with Internet access. Starting at around age nine or ten, I was using porn most every day, one or two times a day, sometimes more.
I started to escalate to types of pornographic content that really didn’t jibe with my natural sexuality. They were extreme and shocking, but I found that as time went on, I needed those more extreme stimuli to get the same amount of arousal that I was getting before.
By the time I was 18 years old, I was with my first serious girlfriend, and we decided we loved each other and wanted to experience sex together. This was something I had been looking forward to all my life.
I was really attracted to her. But, when the time came [to have sex], she was naked in front of me, and I just didn’t have any physical response.
I was shocked. I thought of myself as a person with a high sex drive. I always thought about girls and was masturbating most every day, so I was really confused and shocked about what was going on in that moment. I thought it might just be nerves because it was my first time, so we tried many more times and it just never worked.
I turned to Google for help, searching for phrases like ‘young man can’t get it up’ or ‘erection problems,’ and most sites indicated that it was either performance anxiety or some biological problem like blocked arteries. I pinned it on performance anxiety because I had no trouble getting an erection while looking at porn (which excluded the biological problem as an explanation).
[After a few years] I thought, ‘Maybe I masturbate too much.’ So I’d stop for a few weeks and quit looking at porn too, but that didn’t work either. Man, this wasn’t just a sex issue, because it was devastating on my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and my sexual identity. Because I couldn’t have sex, I was sexually broken.
My emotional health was a mess. Because I was feeding my brain so much dopamine through watching hours of porn, my brain craved more and more stimulation. And, unlike drugs–where there’s a rush of neurochemical activity giving that ‘high’ and then it’s gone–with porn, I was able to keep that dopamine level raised for hours clicking from video to video. We call it ‘edge’: delaying orgasm so that I could keep watching porn. Over years of doing this, my brain figured out that nothing in the real world could compete with the porn rush. Everyday things just became less stimulating. My friendships became less interesting. I didn’t want to do homework, because compared to porn, who wants todo homework?
I was numb to the world. From the age of 10 to 22 or maybe 23, I didn’t cry a single time.”
Read Noah’s story, and how he recovered, in Covenant Eyes’ FREE book.
There’s so much in that story that we’ve talked about yesterday and today–how porn causes men to be cut off from their feelings; how it makes sexual arousal with a person so difficult; how porn makes one self-absorbed and you miss out on real life and real community.
But what I’ve also found is that many Christian women have no idea that what their husbands are going through is not normal
Because we value waiting until marriage to have sex (and I totally, completely believe in that), and because sex is often difficult to talk about, and because many of us are in communities where it isn’t talked about, we don’t know what “normal” is. And I’ve received so many letters from women who talk about how they just can’t reach orgasm and sex doesn’t feel very good, and then only later do you figure out that he’s reaching orgasm within 2 minutes of starting. Or I’ve had emails from women who are married, and sex isn’t working, and only after some prodding do you realize that he doesn’t actually have an erection. Because she didn’t know what to expect, she didn’t know how to describe what’s wrong.
Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is increasingly common, but it’s also something that can be beaten by quitting porn and masturbation, getting in a recovery group, and learning how to get in touch with your feelings and with intimacy again. It takes some serious work of the Holy Spirit, but this is the kind of thing that God loves doing. He is the God of healing and reconciliation!
Ezekiel 11:19 says:
And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,
God wants us to feel again. He wants us not to be cut off from each other, but to be tender to one another. And He will do this, when we submit to Him.
James 4:8 says:
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
It doesn’t happen automatically. We have to choose to draw near to God; we have to choose to cleanse our hands (which means quitting porn and masturbation!). But if your husband does this, God will change him.
Want to learn more about how to recover from PIED? Check out Covenant Eyes’ free ebook, recoverED.
Now let me know in the comments: have you ever dealt with this? Share your story!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Oh wow, TWO days about porn. Ok. I know it’s important to talk about.
Hi Bryan – what would you like to hear about on this site? Sheila has an email where you can submit questions or suggestions.
There are lots of people who do need help with porn issues. If this is not an issue for you – hallelujah! But when you rush in to say how tired you are of hearing about this, you shame and intimidate a whole bunch of hurting people – men and women – who really need a community. It’s a really hard problem to talk about.
You can always skip a post if it doesn’t apply to you. I skipped the menopause post just recently 😉
No Sarah, it’s the opposite! I feel Sheila and other bloggers talk so much about porn! I feel they frequently take the opportunity to shame men. But, I’ll admit to you, I’m hypersensitive on this subject.
Bryan, the #1 question I get is about porn. When I’m doing my Girl Talk and have anonymous Q&As, most are about porn. A huge percentage of men regularly use porn. This is a really big problem. And considering that my top posts from Google tend to be about porn, more people have porn issues on this site than on other sites. It’s just what people are experiencing. Not all, but a lot. And it’s now the leading cause of divorce. It needs to be addressed, and everyday I get questions from a different perspective of things I haven’t tackled yet. It’s a huge issue, and it’s not going away until we face it head on and fight it.
I’ve thought long and hard about porn for decades, and I believe it is not really going anywhere, and I feel there are several reasons why this is so. Here are just a few:
(1) As long as boys continue to have to be the main pursuers of the opposite sex, there will be porn.
(2) As long as boys have loads of testosterone coursing through their blood (10x as girls), there will be porn.
(3) As long as they are visually stimulated (generally much more than girls), there will be porn.
Anybody disagree?
Oh, I don’t disagree. But that doesn’t mean that we tolerate it. There will also always be war, violence, selfishness, abuse, etc., but we don’t tolerate that either.
Sheila, I get your point, but when a guy realizes that he is the way he is from no fault of his own (my 3 points), how is he going to react to people being upset over his porn use, especially when the anger comes from women, who don’t have those 3 factors?
So your three points were showing that porn will continue to exist, but your counter point says that because it exists, you have no choice but to use it. I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but this is something the Bible covers as “slavery to sin”. It’s an insidious weapon. Here’s how it works:
At some point, someone gave you a message: “You are helpless, powerless, hopeless against this thing. It’s part of you. You wouldn’t be you without it. In fact, you would have to think you’re pretty darn special to not have to deal with it – everyone deals with it. This is too big for you, son. And sure it sucks to be helpless and insignificant, but isn’t it also a relief? You don’t have to bother with fighting it anymore! Now that you know it’s totally impossible, you can lie back and relax. Anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid and downright mean – don’t even listen to them.”
This message is a lie. It’s used for every single sin there is – whichever one tempts you. And if the messenger can get you to believe it, then that particular sin is free to do what it does best – destroy. And sure the destruction hurts, but the lie keeps you chained up – after all, you can’t help it so the destruction is inevitable. Therefore you never deserved the stuff that just got destroyed anyway.
Until the lie is confronted and rejected, you are a slave. The chains get heavier and the bitterness deepens.
Here’s the truth: you have a choice. You have a choice whether you believe the lie, and you have a choice whether you engage your particular brand of sin (and we all have one). There are men who don’t have a porn or even a list problem. There are men who have overcome porn and list problems. They are not special – they have the same choice you do.
The liar is the one who brings you shame – the person who tells you the truth brings you freedom.
Very well put, Sarah. This is similar to what I was saying in my series last year about how we need to stop saying that “every man lusts“. No, they don’t. It is NOT “every man’s battle“, because when we are redeemed, we are no longer slaves to sin.
*lust not list
Amen, Sarah! Thank you for expressing what I wasn’t able to bring shape to in my head. The aphorism that hung in my mind as I read this string this morning was, “That which is fed, thrives; that which is starved, dies.” If we, as arguably flawed fallen humans, are inable to make the conscious choice to not buy into—i.e., feed—the porn industry, then, to Bryan’s point, there will be porn. But in basic economic terms, there is supply because there is demand; cut the demand, and…..
Bryan’s points, however, scratch the surface of another characteristic:
Is part of appeal to teenage boys (and, increasingly, girls) precisely because it’s viewed as naughty?
What would porn’s appeal be if society didn’t metaphorically ‘clutch the pearls’ in aghast when sex was discussed?
Shedding our culture’s puritanical warrior roots to be able to discuss sex and intimacy without hushed tones would help shine a light—as Sheila’s and so many of her cohorts are doing—on what a wonder and joy sex is, to be celebrated in by two spouses in all five senses on the three planes of physical, emotional and spiritual.
I wonder how many teens, upon hearing that kind of discussion and explanation, would go, “Well, looking at it on a screen sounds pretty boring compared to THAT!”
Sheila, are you saying that one must be a Christian in order to not be a slave to sin?
I think the Bible is very clear about that. It doesn’t mean that all non-Christians are hopelessly addicted to different things. Just that in order to live a life where the sinful nature doesn’t have dominion over us we must have the Holy Spirit in our lives. Read Romans 7 & 8 for this.
But Sheila, don’t you know any non-Christians who have self-discipline? I certainly do. There is nothing in their life that controls them. They don’t steal because they have the (easy) self-discipline not to. They don’t lust because they have the (not-so-easy) self-discipline not to, and they know that lust often gets in the way of a productive life. So these non-Christians don’t seem to be slaves to sin. Sin doesn’t seem to have dominion over them. How do you explain this then? Doesn’t this contradict the Bible?
Hey, Bryan–
Yes, I think it’s clear that there are non-Christians out there with self-discipline. Same way there are non-Christians who are loving, who are gracious, who are humble.
But the thing about life is that it isn’t just about what we do–it’s about the why, and the who we are doing it for.
I think the fundamental misunderstanding here is that you seem to be saying “as long as people don’t do bad things, they are practically Christian.” But that’s not what Christianity is about. We aren’t just called not to do certain things and to follow a set of rules; Jesus came so that we would have something more–the Spirit of God in our hearts. Like he says, “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” It’s not just about having self-discipline, it’s about shedding the sin nature (our human nature that is obsessed with avoiding discomfort and seeking pleasure, which can lead to a very moral-looking life but from a self-preservation instinct rather than reverence to God) and taking on God’s nature instead, which not only transforms our behaviors, but also our Spirits. It’s about becoming a new person, so the rules don’t even matter as much anymore–because it’s not about what we do, it’s about who we do it for.
I can definitely understand that Bryan – I’m probably hypersensitive too, just in the opposite direction.
I hear you though, as my husband has worked through this there has often been intense (and not very helpful) levels of shame that can make it even harder for him to engage his emotions. We’ve really had to work on strategies for how to talk reality/repentance without just loading up accusation.
With that being said, my side of recovery has also been hard because there are so many messages saying “porn is normal, you’re being prude and archaic, you’re being dramatic and annoying, you had no right to expect exclusivity in the first place” – and those were not helpful either. Bloggers like Sheila really did provide a place where I could get validation and Christian perspective. Making progress in my healing was critical to me being a supportive partner for my husband’s healing.
I’m not sure what your situation is but I think there is a definite difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the shame that comes from the spirit of accusation. One wants to empower you and help you get that splinter out even though it hurts, the other just wants to tell you what an awful person you are for having a splinter in the first place with no intention of actually fixing the problem.
I’m sorry for any shame you feel around this topic, and I hope you’ll be able to sift through posts like these to see camaraderie and encouragement – there’s a lot of splintered feet out there.
Wonderfully put, Sarah. Thank you.
Great reply Sarah, I think you were straightforward, while still being compassionate!
🙂
But one day you will need the menopause post….. 🙂
And I’ll be back for it too 😉
Factors like circumcision and even vasectomy are so often overlooked as well. 😞
Can circumcision be a factor??
Yes, unfortunately 😞 So few people in America are aware of the detriments of infant circumcision. The foreskin has so many functions, including thousands of nerve endings that make it super sensitive. It also protects the glans from becoming dried out (keratinized) and desensitized. The glans was mean to be protected just like your eyeballs are protected by your eyelids. So when you add up lessened sensitivity, less natural lubrication (his), and possibly more thrusting necessary for orgasm, you beget possible sexual performance problems. 😞 Look up “functions of the foreskin”. *Beware that some sites may show some graphic pictures for education’s sake, of infants and grown men. 😬* When I was researching circumcision while I was pregnant with my son, I was quite amazed at what is NOT taught !
Thank you for posting this, Renee. It was some heated conversations between my wife and I, but we ultimately chose to not circumcise our sons.
Sheila, the advice above about “we can just watch a movie instead” is really bad advice. In a moment of ED, you need to continue the sex session, by just doing other things. Have him focus on you for example or tell him that its ok if he is not hard but that you would like to continue kissing and touching his penis anyway. Telling him to watch a movie instead basically says to him “well this session is over because you cant get it up” that will destroy his already hurting confidence and when it comes to getting and sustaining an erection, confidence is key.
That’s a great point! Thank you for that.
I like what you are saying. Could ED have anything to do with diet. What a person is putting into their bodies. I know in my own life when I went from 260 to 219 I have more energy and more energy for my wife.
Absolutely! I think health is a huge (if you’ll pardon the pun) issue when it comes to a lot of ED. And ED is the early warning sign for so many things, as I warned in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Diabetes, kidney issues, heart issues, circulation issues, blood pressure issues….you really should see a doctor.
But many guys also instinctively know whether it’s physical or porn induced. if it’s porn induced, medical stuff isn’t really going to help.
Archie is absolutely right, and if men of a certain age are experiencing ED with some frequency they should see their doctors without delay. The penis is the proverbial canary-in-the-coalmine: if the blood isn’t flowing into your penis properly, then it’s probably not flowing to other parts of your body properly either. The ED is a harbinger: get yourself checked out and discuss dietary and health choices.
Chris makes a valid point as well. Assuming it’s a basic case of occasional ED and not PIED, it’s important for the wife to be nurturing and try to keep both of you in the moment, saying that it’s no big deal because his fingers / lips / tongue / etc. feel so good, so keep going, baby. PIV isn’t the end-all-be-all—but the feeling of oneness, intimacy and communion *is*.
And though I am repeating myself from yesterday, I will say, as a former addict, there is a path forward, a path out. Counseling, accountability partners, but at the core the addict has to reach a point where he (or she) genuinely asks themselves, “What am I doing?” At that point the addict has to grip Romans 12.2 tight and actively want to pursue the will of God to transform and to be transformed. And once you do, I hope he or she finds, as I did, that it’s the most verdant sun-drenched field you’ve ever seen. It’s pretty amazing.
Amen, Greg! It’s like the verse I quoted above–Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. In this case, we have to take the first step to commit to transforming our minds (ala Romans 12:1-2) and presenting our bodies as living sacrifices. We need to do that, and God will honour that. But it’s a long journey for many. I’m so glad you got out! Thank you for commenting and encouraging others.
It was a long long road for me. But it was worth the walk. Without question. I hope my testimony can prove inspirational to others. Thanks for this arena and tackling these subjects.
Thanks Sheila for addressing topics that people don’t like and don’t talk about. I’m right in the middle of the hell you described and let me tell you it.is.hell. we are 18 months into recovery process and I honestly see no hope. But as Romans says, hoping for something you see is not hope. So I can say it is an incredible exercise in faith, trust and patience. and I am working my recovery and trusting God to work in my life and my husband’s because it will take nothing short of a miracle to heal us. My heart breaks for all the others in this situation.
And I’m talking porn induced, not health issues…
I am so sorry E Laura. Eighteen months is a long time to be in pain, especially when you can’t really see the finish line yet.
This verse helped me when I was there: Psalm 25: 13-14
“I would have despaired had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord.”
I’d like to add that there’s something in Noah’s story that resonated with me that addicts—and spouses of addict—may want to consider as they do battle with the beast. My addiction was mild until I found myself unemployed in the Great Recession. That’s when it went rampant. In looking back, I recall that I didn’t find what I was seeing particularly arousing (I still found my wife more arousing that the porn), but I got lost in porn for hours because it—as Noah describes—I felt numb. I felt like a disappointment to my family, to my wife who nonetheless—praise God!—had a job that could support us. So for me feeling numb = feeling no pain, no shame, no embarrassment. I used porn not for sex, but as a way to get high.
I don’t know if there are other readers here who were equally struck by Noah’s statement, but if you’ve got an inkling that you’re addicted, not to booze or narcotics, but to what your own brain produces and porn is the delivery device, don’t discount it, but do address it.
Great thoughts, Greg! And that’s also really important to recognize your triggers for when porn becomes a draw. For so many it’s not actually sexual frustration but rather overall stress. Porn becomes this stress reliever or somewhere to go when you don’t want to feel. Recognizing that means that when those feelings do come you can make an alternate plan. But it is key to see that it isn’t always about sex.
When the buildup of plaque and fibrin in the penis make it impossible for even Viagra to help, the real solution is Gainswave or Swisswave extracorporeal shockwave therapy. After 5 years of total ED, I regained my erectile ability with only 6 treatments. No pain, no injections and no drugs. Six 30 minute sessions. This is indeed the leading edge treatment for ED. And no, I am not a paid spokesman for either company. Just an enthusiastic patient. Do some internet research. These clinics are being established nationwide.
This is the first thing I have read that makes sense! I’m still unsure how to deal with a husband who has no accountability though. He sad he’s done with the “Jesus stuff” which makes me wonder if he was ever saved in the first place. So he doesn’t care that it’s a sin. He won’t go for counseling and doesn’t go to church. What are my options? What choices does a Christian wife have?
I think you can still share with him this post on the effects of pornography. And you can still say that you won’t tolerate it in your home. It’s not just about God; it’s also about his marriage vows. If you ask him, what is it that you want from life? Do you want to feel close to your family? Have financial goals? Etc. etc. If he starts to list them, he may realize how porn is holding him back.
To be honest with you, if my husband got to a place of completely unrepentant porn use with no intention of stopping, it would be a marriage ender. Maybe that sounds extreme, but it’s the truth. I am not necessarily advising you because I don’t know your whole situation, but That’s what I would do and I believe it’s a sound option for Christians and non.
I was not unclear about my stance on this issue prior to marriage, for one, so he can’t claim that he didn’t know before he got involved with me. It’s adultery. It’s not honoring or right to consume people featured in porn, regardless of their background. It drives and often just plain IS human trafficking.
Please note I am not shaming men and woman who are struggling to quit – that is entirely different. As long as the fight is on I would say “suit up and help!” But I can’t aid and abet porn with my time, resources, and complacency. If my spouse was determined to have it at my expense, the expense of our marriage, the expense of our kids, and at the expense of human beings made in the image of God, without apology, I would let him go and pray for him.
For someone who is married, engaging in pornography is having sexual experiences with someone other than your spouse.
Read that again.
By that (true) definition, it is infidelity. It is unfaithfulness to the spouse and to the vow before God to love, honor, and cherish your marriage and your marriage partner.
Does anyone have insight for talking to a husband who can’t last longer than 10-15 seconds? We’ve been married almost 5 years, and it’s always been that way. I am the high drive wife by far, and he’s always teased me about being a nymphomaniac, but I think it’s more of a defense mechanism than actually being tired of intercourse. I read the posts you’ve written in that regard, but I just can’t find a good way to ask him to see the doctor. He is able to get an erection, but as soon as actual intercourse starts, it’s a timer. I’m scared that it will absolutely shatter his already shaky confidence in this area. I know he’s embarrassed, and I just can’t bring myself to make it worse. I’m concerned there might actually be a related physical problem (he has heart “flutters” but I can’t get him to go to the doctor for it), but how do you be a supportive, loving wife and say “hey baby you know that elephant in the room? Well I think you have heart problems so I’m now going to make you tell the entire medical community.”
PS – he isn’t a porn user, and of this I’m positive. We both struggled with that as teens, so when we got married, we linked our computers/phones and sought counseling (we’re both IT nerds, so we went above and beyond to make sure there weren’t any tech-related secrets).
Hi M! I know that’s really, really tough. And it won’t be an easy conversation. But I do think it’s one that you need to have. There are medications he can take, and it very well may be a health thing. So he has to go. Sometimes conversations are just awkward, and they can be really embarrassing, but in the long run, the cost of not going now is much greater than the embarrassment of talking to him!
Hi M,
I realize this is an old post, but I have a suggestion. Many years ago I was a “minute man”, too. But what I found was that after round 1 (orgasm and the refractory period), round 2 lasted a little longer, then round 3 lasted several minutes and so on. All three rounds were within 15 minutes. It will take patience from you and a willingness from him. But once I relaxed and realized that I could last longer than a minute (or less) the number of needed rounds dwindled. For me, it was nerves and worried it was going to be another night of self fulfilling prophecy. Still occasionally, if we’re in the Cowgirl position, I’ll ask her to hold up for a minute, let the sensation pass, and then she can ride on until she orgasms and then me. If I’m on top, I can stop, perform oral sex until I’m able to continue. I hope he’s focused on getting you there even if not by PIV. Hope this helps.
Tenho 69 anos e comecei a ter problemas de DE quando fui submetido há 2 anos a 42 sessões de Radioterapia a cancro de próstata. Já tomei muitos comprimidos por receita médica, mas nunca Viagra pois sou hipertenso. A minha vida tornou-se um martírio pois não consigo satisfazer minha mulher!! Às vezes tenho sonhos eróticos e acordo meio erecto, mas depois de alguns minutos acaba. Espero vossos conselhos.
Obrigado
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Carlos. Fighting cancer is hard enough, but having lasting side effects just adds to the fight.
We’re not medical professionals so we can’t give medical advice on here, but I advise you to talk to your doctor to see what they can do to help. They may be able to help you deal with hypertension as well so that other medications are an option down the road.
Congratulations for you strength with fighting cancer, and I hope your doctor can help!
You talk a lot about the effects of porn and masturbation and porn on libido but you did not really spend much time on how to handle ED.
We have a wonderful marriage. Communication is great and neither one of us has many complaints after 26 years. We are both strong Christians and are dedicated to our spiritual lives.
However, I have always had a higher libido than my husband. Talking about sex is very embarrassing for him, but we have had discussions about this. It never helped. Outside of sex he likes sitting together, hugging,and holding hands but doesn’t like kissing and more intimate touch. Now he has ED as a side effect of a medication, which makes things worse.
Every Christian article I read says masturbating alone is wrong, but I have nothing else. It doesn’t effect the pleasure I have when we do have sex, which is almost never. It helps me to not lay in bed beside him frustrated and angry.
If my love for him is not affected and he refuses to touch me, why is it wrong for me to find that release myself? Yes, it would be great if we could figure out why sex embarrasses him and get him to be more sexual, but if 25 years of discussion (even with a Christian counselor) hasn’t changed that, it probably won’t happen now. I don’t want to feel guilty for having sexual needs or meeting those needs. It is really frustrating that articles never talk about what to do when nothing works.