When we were on our speaking tour in Australia in May, we drove a grand total of 6000 km.
Or rather, my husband drove 6000 km. In a campervan. On the wrong side of the road.
There was no way I was driving that thing! (My husband is a good man with far more spatial ability than me).
Thus, I had a lot of time on my hands. Literally. And when I have time on my hands. I knit.
I brought with me a pair of socks that I had been knitting, but had put down a few months ago. On the trip from Canberra to Sydney, I pulled them out again. I had knit one sock almost down to the heel, but that was it. And as I reached for them in my bag, I realized that I had forgotten the pattern at home.
I had a brief momentary panic, but then I decided, “don’t think too hard, Sheila. You know how to do this. Just knit.”
And so I started.
And I realized something. With socks, you don’t really need a pattern, because there just IS one.
The heel is half the number of stitches of the whole. You do half the number of THAT in slip stitch repeats before turning the heel. To turn the heel, you have half the number of THAT of stitches between the decreases. To pick up the heel flap, use the number of slip stitch repeats. Decrease for the toe every other row until half are decreased, then every row until half are decreased again.
(As an aside: If you understand what that means, find me on Ravelry. I’m sheilagregoire!).
And so I knit two socks. I finished the pair the day before we could do laundry. I had run out of socks, and it was very cold, and I was grateful. (Granted, I took this picture when we got home, but you get the idea).
It occurred to me over the trip that marriage can be a lot like that. You get in this rhythm, and you don’t have to think about it very much to be able to do the most complicated things.
Keith and I were living in a tiny box for a few weeks. It was cramped, but because of our rhythm, we made do. We can finish each other’s sentences. We know what each other is thinking. He knows how I like my eggs and fruit in the morning; I know how he likes the bathroom and kitchen stuff organized so we don’t trip over each other. We have a rhythm of what to do when we wake up; when we cook; even when we end up at a gas station. And we don’t have to say anything.
And we can laugh as we drive. We can share in short form. We can say half a line from a movie out of the blue and laugh for five minutes. We know how to get ready to speak at marriage conferences with very little preparation now, because it’s all one big rhythm. And it’s nice.
That’s what happens when you’ve been married for 27 years. You develop a rhythm, and you don’t have to think, “how do we act right now? How do we show love right now? What does my husband need?”
But what if the rhythm that you’ve established isn’t a healthy one?
I’m grateful for the rhythm we have. But this week I’ve been reminded that a healthy rhythm that builds something beautiful is not what we all experience.
One comment left this weekend was so raw and honest and I appreciated it so much. A woman was replying to the post I ran last week asking, “what if YOU’RE the reason your sex life isn’t great”, about how sometimes a husband can do everything, and it won’t work because she doesn’t actually want it to work. And she said this:
Our marriage is solid in every area except sex. And I am the problem. And I hate it. Because I know it hurts my husband. And I hate hurting him. And I feel like there is no good reason for it. But I can’t seem to get around it either. My issues stem from two places: Purity culture and I am a control freak (I went and read the linked article). I recognize that these two things are the problem. But I just don’t know how to get past them. As far as purity culture, consistently reading TLHV and other Christian marriage blogs has definitely made a difference. I still struggle with body shame, etc. But, I’m getting better though. And I have hope for this particular issue. But I have no idea how to stop being a perfectionistic control freak. I understand why it is damaging, why I need to work through it, but how? HOW?
She’s out of sync. It’s not working.
What I’ve found with knitting, especially complicated patterns, is that if you’re off by one stitch, all the cables stop lining up and the lace stops lining up and even if you try to take a stitch back a few rows it may not always work. Sometimes the only thing to do is to rip out a few rows. Maybe even a lot of rows. But that’s the only way.
And sometimes that’s what we have to do, too. We have to look at the layers that we have built in our marriage–the habits, the coping patterns, the rhythms that we have got into, and we have to rip them out and start over. We have to say, “we’re doing this wrong. This isn’t helping.”
In her case, she needs to rip, rip, rip and see what the root of her issue is. Why can she not be vulnerable (since a failure to be able to be vulnerable is often at the heart of control issues)? Speak to a counsellor. Study the heart of God. Find the root. And then, slowly, with patience and care, start that pattern again.
But sometimes everything can seem fine, and then, after a few years, it all falls apart.
You’ve been walking and wearing and dancing and running and everything worked, until the weak spots started to give way. Holes formed. Problems became clear. And you were stuck.
One of the beauties of knit socks is that, when the undersoles wear out or holes appear, you can rip out and reknit. You can take a perfectly good pair of socks that has been hurt and damaged and make something new again.
Sometimes you have to use different wool, because the old stuff won’t work. Sometimes you have to change what they look like. But they can be comfortable and warm again.
As some of you who follow me on Facebook may know, I’ve been involved this week in a Twitter “episode” with a Southern Baptist pastor with whom I was debating submission, who, when I started to make some arguments, accused me of being emotional, easily deceived (as a woman), said that he should talk to my husband instead, and later called me uneducated and said he was praying for poor Keith.
I’ll write about it more later; if you want the details, follow me on Twitter or look at my Facebook Page.
I’ve had some pushback, with some telling me I’ve been very negative this week (I think much of that, honestly, is jetlag!).
But it is not all jetlag. What I have seen, over and over again on this blog, is that sometimes we can have a good marriage, a good heart, a lovely family, and a church can hurt us. We can be wounded. We can have holes put in us.
Not all church congregations act like the body of Christ. Sometimes, instead of acting like our Saviour who poured out His life and was wounded, those churches wound others.
And in those moments, it’s easy to want to give up. To abandon the whole thing. To throw up your hands and say, “God can’t be real; God can’t love me; God can’t be loving if people can act like this.” I have seen so many say this–to me, to others on social media. So many who are hurting.
I get it, dear reader. I hear your pain. My family has been in some beautiful, life-giving congregations, and we have had to leave others tearfully, with grief, because of the pain that was caused to us and our children.
But Jesus does not wound. Jesus does not throw darts. Jesus does not make holes; Jesus mends them.
And let me say–if someone has left holes in you, Jesus wants to reknit that (and excuse me for stretching the metaphor).
There has been so much in the news this week about the wider church, especially in the United States. Some of it has been disheartening; some of it has been encouraging. It comes on the tail end of depressing story after story. If you know none of this, rejoice and don’t worry about it. Excuse me if you’ve found me negative; I think these things are important and God is bringing them to light, but if they are not part of your world, Hallelujah!
If, on the other hand, you are hurting from it, please know: not all churches are like this.
Let me repeat that.
Not all churches are like this.
The body of Christ exists, and it is knit together, with Him as the head, and it honestly does function and heal. If you are in a congregation that has wounded you or wounded your marriage, it’s okay to find another congregation. It’s okay to go looking outside of your normal comfort zone. And please, do the looking. Do the searching. Don’t give up.
Keith and I are in a beautiful rhythm, and I am grateful. But life is not always like that. Sometimes you don’t know the pattern, and you have to go back. Sometimes you have to rip out and make something new. But don’t give up. Keep going.
And knit with God something beautiful.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love this, thank you❤
I’m so glad! And you’re welcome!
I love this post and your writtings…. I’ve only been married for 13 years, but I honestly feel like we have a great rythem in our marriage!
That’s great! 13 years–that was a bit of a rough period for us I remember. By 17-18 years things had gotten a lot better again!
Kind of an odd request perhaps, but I would love to hear a brief history/map of your marriage with this metaphor in mind. What years were hardest for you and why? What years were deconstructive and painful (like ripping out a few rows) and what ones were extra strong and beautiful? I think hearing others tell “the map of a Marriage” is both fascinating and helpful. I think we have this false notion that once we figure out the pattern it will all be uphill from there, but it isn’t always that cut and dry, is it?! Hubby and I are in a season of pulling rows, realizing so many bad coping habits we’ve established to avoid conflict that had subtly (or not so subtly) been driving us apart and it’s painful! But ultimately we know it’s necessary and good, it’s just hard. And hard to remember that it won’t always be this hard. We will figure out a healthier pattern. We just aren’t quite there yet. It helps to know this is normal, even for marriage bloggers!
Oh, that’s a great idea! I like that, Kay. And I like that people haven’t thought I stretched this metaphor a little too far. 🙂 It felt a little like that. But I do love my knitting.
And, no, it definitely isn’t easy, even once we’ve learned the pattern. Like I share a lot in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, in some ways the last five years became hard again just because of Keith’s work, and we had to find a whole new way of doing life together. We’re still trying to get used to that. We were in a good place, it really wasn’t a relationship problem. But things can make you drift apart and you have to rethink and reknit again.
I’ll try to schedule that post in, about my “marriage map”. I like that.
I would appreciate this follow-up post as well! My husband and I are five months into our marriage and have already dealt with a large share of familial stresses in addition to our own adjustments to marriage in general and personal stressors (emergency surgery and pivotal points in grad school come to mind) in this short time. It would be encouraging to hear how finding a rhythm isn’t just a struggle in a marriage when it’s new and you don’t know exactly which rhythm you need yet.
Also, this is a beautiful metaphor. I love the illustration that comes from repairing the sock- it doesn’t quite look the same and it takes some time to repair it, but it is still a sock and can act like a sock. 🙂
At least your commenter admits that she is a control freak and she admits she has a problem. Most women would rather eat their own poop before doing that. I am not on facebook or twitter, i want a blow by blow with that paster please!
Yeah, that pastor was ridiculous. He really seems inconsequential in the broad scheme of things, but he’s quite typical of what’s happening in the SBC right now, and with their convention coming, I want to bring attention to what is being done out there in the name of the SBC–so that maybe the convention will try to start addressing this crap. Because seriously–I’m not impressed. And I’m pretty sure God isn’t, either.
I am glad that this woman was so honest, too. I could have written her comment many years ago as well. I knew that the problem in our sex life was me, and it took a while for me to fix it. But I don’t think it’s just women who have a hard time admitting when they’re the problem. I think that’s a human condition that afflicts us all.
I’m loving the knitting analogy! I guess it fits me well, since dealing with my sex issues has been a ridiculously slow and painful process, and I am a ridiculously slow knitter too. ( I’ve been working on the same cardigan for 2 years, and am only barely on the second sleeve! Granted, I can only knit in the car when my husband drives or toddlers steal my yarn, but still.)
That pastor sounds like a very frustrating man to debate with. And like he has little respect for women in general. I’m sorry he’s been making jet lag recovery harder.
In some ways he’s made jetlag easier, because I just couldn’t work, so we got caught up in Twitter, which I usually don’t do. And then Rebecca (oldest daughter) jumped into it, too. I’ll write all about it later!
I once had a friend that was such a slow knitter that one day, after 10 years, she finished a sweater–only to discover that she had knit 3 sleeves. It had taken her so long she didn’t realize she already had a sleeve knit!
I know you’ve been going through a really hard go with vaginismus, Becky, and I’ve got you on my prayer list to remember to lift you up. I’m sorry.
Coming up on 8 years, and we are in the middle of ripping out rows and reknitting. It’s exhausting, mentally and physically! BUT, we are both motivated to continue because we can already see our selfishness dissipating, our understanding of each other’s physical and emotional needs growing, and our understanding of intimacy with each other and with God expanding. We have moments when we just don’t want to have another hard conversation, but we remind each other that this hard work now can mean happier, easier years to come, and with a more solid foundation! There is joy and beauty to be found in the middle of the “blood, sweat, and tears” seasons of marriage when you are both willing to do the work.
Thank you for writing about the hard or awkward parts of marriage, sex, and parenting. It makes it much easier to have these discussions when we have something to reference and get the conversation going.
Oh, I’m so glad! I know it’s exhausting. These phases in our marriage often are. And to extend the reknitting metaphor a bit (I’m sorry for stretching it so far), I often have to go back and forth before I rip out. I often try to knit just a few more rows to see if I can still make it work, when I would have been better to have just ripped out and tried again. If it’s not working, change your patterns! It’s easier to rip out sooner rather than later.
The SBC stuff is just heartbreaking to me. I live in Southern Baptist territory and know many wonderful Christians in that denomination, and their leadership at the seminary and convention level has failed its congregants miserably. I did take heart this week that a number of prominent Baptist leaders have signed a resolution to present at the convention regarding respectful, honoring, Christ-like treatment of women. I’m praying that is the message that gets through all churches.
On knitting? I got nothing. I don’t understand how people work with those big needles and make stuff like socks. I would have been a horrible wife in the days when sewing and embroidery skills mattered. But I do understand having to rip apart your myths to build new truths.
Hey, knitting socks is SMALL needles. Very small. Now that you’re allowed knitting needles on airplanes again, I’ve taken comfort in it. If anyone ever tries to hijack a plane I’m on, I’m handing my knitting needles to the biggest guy near me and he’ll have a weapon! Go for the eyes! 🙂
I know this wasn’t really what your post was about, but you did mention the submission argument. Recently my pastor mentioned submission. He has studied Greek, and really digs into words and grammar in the New Testament. He recently talked about the difference between obedience and submission. Obedience is an action. Submission is a heart thing—an attitude. Someone who obeys only may do it with a rotten attitude. But if they are in submission with their obedience, they will have a good attitude and be easy to work with.
When I heard that, the concept of mutual submission made even more sense. If a husband and wife both have a pleasant attitude toward each other and are easy for the other to work with and reason with, they are on their way to having a good marriage.
1. Knit all the things. Socks especially. I’m impressed by cables on socks – not sure why, as I can do them anywhere else, but for some reason cables on socks aren’t something I’ve tried.
2. God is a knitter. Psalm 139 v 13.
3. I love the image of patterns and rhythms in marriage making the day to day stuff easier. The rhythm has changed over the years, as we’ve added more kids and two have become teens (and one drives now!), but in good times there is always a steady beat.
I love “God is a knitter!” i say that all the time.
For cables on socks–I find it easier to do a fake cable. These socks had you knitting into the second stitch and THEN the first stitch and then taking both off of the needle. It was a 3 stitch fake cable, so every row you did stitches 1 & 2 and knit 3 normally, and then stitch 1 and cable 2 & 3. It was a lot easier than having to take them off for a real cable! 🙂
I loved it when Rebecca could drive. It changed my life completely. 🙂
So I loved reading this article this morning (and I’ve enjoyed seeing some of your projects on Ravelry – Katie’s wedding shawl was soooo pretty). This afternoon, when I sat down to work a bit on my current sock knitting project, I was having fun thinking of more ways to extend the metaphor. Then, I noticed that I had started in the wrong place in my pattern and had to rip out the row. 🤦🏻♀️
Too funny! 🙂
The knitting analogy was amazing, I don’t even knit and it still made perfect sense to me! The fact that we can go back and unravel to get the perfect rhythm is so true and super encouraging. 8 years into my own marriage and the first 5 years I’m pretty sure we lived in constant unravel, but I’m so glad that we have established healthy patterns now that have changed EVERYTHING! Amazing blog – as always! Thank you for making it so perfectly applicable with knitting!
I’m so glad you liked the knitting analogy! 🙂 Y’all better stop being so nice about it or I may bring knitting into more things. 🙂
Not in a good pattern, I’m in a sphere of silence. Help. We haven’t had any for 7 yrs and then it was for a short period and 5 more years before that. I’m not dying, I’m practically dead at 62, wife 56. Low testosterone now. We suffered a child death, yet she never seemed to actually like sex. So, it’s more like our relationship is suffering now. She thinks everything is alright, but I don’t. She’s always had Hypothyroidism and since the death, Adrenal Fatigue and PTSD. She has been on the couch downstairs for 7 years, too. She has so many problems; from skin diseases to phone phobia. Please pray for her & me, someone you don’t know, because it might make a difference.
Oh, Seth, I’m so, so sorry. And I’m so sorry about your loss, too. Losing a child is absolutely horrendous. It sounds like your wife is in a downward spiral, and isn’t reaching out for the relationship that could actually help heal her. I’m so sorry.
Hi Sheila!
First, I love following your blog, and that of your fellow bloggers J & the rest of the ladies on the 4Christian Wives podcast. I just recently listened to the two episodes where you were a guest about talking to our kids about sex, and they were so funny!! I really enjoyed it.
I did want to encourage everyone to remember that not all SB Pastors are like this, and that so often the people who bluster the most are not a true representation of the whole bunch. My grandfather- and many whom he claims as colleagues- for example, has never been like this and has been a SB pastor my whole life.
That said, that pastor sounds awful, and anyone making any kind of derogatory or degrading comments as such shouldn’t be in the pulpit. What a sad situation.