I know a lot of you have some pretty specific sex questions you’d like answered.
I’ve tried to tackle some of them on the blog (you can see a huge roundup of some of my most important questions about marriage here). And when I give my Girl Talk event in churches, I have a time where people can submit anonymous questions, and I try to cover as many as I can in 15 minutes.
I had a few questions left over from my events in Australia that I just couldn’t get to. Last week I ran 18 sex questions in a post. Then I decided that I would record some videos to answer the ones that I didn’t get to there.
Now, for those of you who are reading this on my blog, I’m not sure if you know, but every Friday I send out an email to my subscribers with a roundup of all the posts from that week, as well as links to the most popular posts on all my social media channels. Then I include something extra–a new freebie, some personal pictures and “behind the scenes” look at what’s happening on the blog, extra information from one of the blog posts I didn’t get to. And I try to do some videos every month as well.
And it’s all free!
Last Friday I sent out this video answering two more sex questions, and this Friday I’ll be answering a few more.
Even though I don’t normally share the videos that go out to subscribers (they’re private and just for them), I thought I’d include this one here, just so you can see what subscribers get.
Now, it’s not super edited or anything (I don’t have time to do that), but it is a much more personal touch. I actually like answering questions in video format, and I may do that more on the blog in the future!
But in the meantime, if you want to make sure you’re not missing anything, why not sign up to receive my emails? Like I said–it’s free! 🙂
Join my Email List Right Here
(What’s nice about video, too, is that I can answer stuff that I don’t always want to type into a blog post, because I know I’ll get caught in filters. So this is great!).
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Here’s a thought about oral sex…who’s really in control when she is performing oral sex. She is! It’s not him. She’s the one teasing and pleasuring him and he’s losing control. Most people feel vulnerable and a little uncomfortable when not in control. Maybe wanting her to swallow helps him feel like he’s regaining his lost control. Instead of accusing him of being manipulative or controlling, try this. Spit or swallow, take a drink, give him a big kiss to let him share the love so to speak, smile sweetly, maybe chuckle a little, and tell him you love him. That might also be a good time to have a heartfelt conversation about a trusting relationship and being vulnerable with each other.
Elsie–that can be the dynamic. But it is not always. And in porn, he often is definitely in control (I won’t elaborate here because I don’t want to be triggering, but I think we can all picture what that looks like). I agree, this can be a really nuanced thing. It is not the same in every case, because some couples really don’t struggle with power/porn issues. But many couples do, and in many couples the power/porn issues often revolve primarily around oral sex, and that is my concern here. It doesn’t meant his necessarily is the case, but it certainly can be.
In the same way that drinking a glass of wine may be not be a big deal for some people, for alcoholics it takes on a whole other meaning. And for porn addicts, or for people who grew up with porn where their perception of what is arousing is heavily influenced by very degrading images of women, this can be a big problem area. And I just think couples need to be aware of that.
No, it’s not true in all cases. But in many it is, so I’d just ask that people be aware.
I’m happy to say I know nothing about porn and power struggles and appreciate your added insight. Very grateful to be married to a man who wants a great marriage and works with me thru the ups and downs to have that.
Hello!
Wanted to give another perspective on the oral sex/swallowing issue. I see it as a way for my wife to fully accept me, my sexuality, and all that it entails. Not as a way to demean her. Characterizing all men who want their wife to swallow in the way as this video seems to do feels a bit skewed.
I’d love to hear your answer to the question from that perspective because it’s something I think is very common.
Hi John,
When I listen to the way Sheila is paraphrasing the question, I take it to mean the wife is not interested in swallowing after oral sex, hence the reference to language Sheila does not wish to repeat. Does the wife get a choice in the matter? Or is it all about the husband feeling “fully accepted,” whether the wife is on board or not?
Yes, that was the gist of it, Mandy, although the words the husband used were way more graphic than that.
I completely stand by what I said. If she is uncomfortable with something so much so that it’s an aversion, it should not be part of their sex life. And the way the husband was phrasing the question definitely sounded like he had some porn issues that I don’t think should be part of a marriage.
It would be absolutely amazing if you (all Christian women, for that matter) would ask men what they think and why they want something, rather than assuming you know the what and why. In this case, you clearly have decided that swallowing must be all about his desire to debase her in some fashion (because “he’s already had his physical pleasure”. Have you decided that a man’s emotional connection is irrelevant, but a woman’s is relevant?). You say you “worry a little bit” that this is the case, and then proceed to maintain that belief. In short, what makes you so certain of the truth when you haven’t asked the man? You refer to “the way the husband was phrasing the question”, but did you hear it from him? I don’t think so, but expect that you got it second-hand from the wife. And, if that phrasing was the basis for the belief in debasing, then you should have said so in the video. You didn’t! You phrased the question without reference to that aspect, but then answered it according to that scenario.
I note that Chris Taylor (whose opinion you seem to usually respect) has an entirely different perspective, but, in this case, you continue to insist on retaining the humiliation or degradation perspective. As you are aware, there is enough poor teaching on sex without you contributing to it here by maintaining that this likely is a sinful desire on the part of the husband.
I have a totally different take on why men like it when their wives swallow. When I began working on sexual issues and tackled the challenge of oral sex, it helped me to understand that this was an emotional experience as much as a physical one for my husband.
Sadly, some men do want it for the reasons you describe (power dynamics in the relationship and pornography viewing). If he is demanding about it, or if his constant requests show disregard for her genuine difficulty with it, it’s a problem. However, I think for a lot of husbands, the request to swallow speaks to the ways that sex is so much more than physical sensations.
I think that many men see a wife’s swallowing as a communication that she accepts all of who he is and that she thinks no part of him is disgusting. Swallowing is an emotional experience, where they feel completely and totally accepted by their wives. This is not about humiliation or even about physical pleasure; rather, it is about connection.
I’m sorry, but that reasoning is outrageous. If my husband asks me to swallow after oral sex, I ask if he’s willing to swallow it, and guess what? He’s not. Ejaculate *is* disgusting. So he’s only going to feel “fully accepted” if I drink up? I don’t require my husband to ingest my bodily fluids to know he loves me. Is there no end to the sacrifices a woman has to make to satisfy her husband? Are men really this fragile?
I would agree, Mandy. If a couple enjoys this, by all means. Freedom is the answer. If a couple finds it distasteful (or she does), then it shouldn’t be a part of their sex life. Sex is about both feeling close, not one being humiliated or degraded for another’s pleasure, which is what happens if she is told that she has to do something she has an aversion to in order for him to feel good. That’s really the definition of humiliation–I have enough power over you to make you do something that you instinctively recoil from. That’s odd to be in the marriage bed.
I just can’t get past the ick factor. So much so that I haven’t performed oral sex for my husband in three years almost. Although I do agree with you about the reasoning behind him wanting the wife to swallow, I know that is true for my husband but for the life of me I just can’t do it. Last time it grossed me out so badly to where I gag and throw up. I guess that’s something that I can pray about
Sarah, I honestly think it’s okay to say no. It really is. We all have different things that set us off, and if something like this is setting you off–then it’s unfair of your husband to want that. Seriously. Some women are fine with it, and some aren’t. I think the big thing here is to concentrate on the things that you both enjoy doing and do those things. It is not necessary to swallow to show him that you accept him. It just really isn’t.
I’ve been trying to convince my husband that a toy in bed isn’t going to actually help but he’s convinced that since I haven’t ever orgasmed that it would help.
On that note though…I’ve tried masturbating before because dang it I’ve never orgasmed. But even masturbation doesn’t do anything. I’m supposed to teach him how to make me feel good when apparently I can’t even figure out how to do that (two minutes or less?? Jeez….). Its made sex a constant source of stress and frustration because I do not enjoy sex (not for his lack of trying), but his libido is super high.
We were married 5 years before I had an orgasm for the first time. And yes, we tried all the things you mentioned in the video, but I don’t think I was ever even close. It makes me feel broken and defective to read how easy it apparently is for others. My husband did buy a toy and that’s the only way I’m able to climax still, 11 years later. We only use it together and he loves to see me aroused in a way I’m not able to be without it. That being said, I still prefer sex with just us, even though I don’t get aroused much at all, let alone climax. I like sex for the physical closeness, and trying to orgasm just leaves me frustrated and defeated and makes my husband feel bad, when I know the problem is with me, not him. I assumed for years women didn’t orgasm except for rare exceptions, but now that people are talking and writing about details more openly, I feel so much more alone in this. So, @Katie, I’m relieved to see that maybe I’m not the only one, and honestly, try a vibrator together sometime… it does feel good to know what an orgasm feels like, and your husband will be thrilled to help you. 😉
I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard journey, Marie! But you know–if you can orgasm with a vibrator, I really believe that you can orgasm without one. And if you like the physical closeness, then it could be that once you get the hang of it, it works better.
One thing I’d suggest: just keep trying until it happens. Seriously. Set aside a few hours if you need to. You will get that breakthrough, and once you do, the world will open up. And sometimes you may need to help him touch you, or even touch yourself while he’s looking to see how it’s done, because you can get that feedback immediately. But you are able to orgasm, and so I’d just say don’t give up!
Hi Katie and Marie
I’ve been on the journey both of you are on. I’m coming up on my 28th wedding anniversary … My husband too has a high libido (and it hasn’t changed since he was 22 he turns 50 this year 😉 )
I too did sex for closeness. Last year I totaly lost interest and was so tired of feeling broken and something is wrong with me. Things got to a point where I could not even feel any arousal or attraction because I became totally disasociated to the whole experience. If I could not feel then I could not be disappointed …
Some time around the week of our 27th wedding anniversary last year in my frustration I had this thought “I want mind blowing sex the kind of sex that every one is talking about. God says this is VERY good so He is truth and I am going to find that truth one way or another”
I found this blog and read a few things. Searched out all things Orgasm but I was still missing something. So I bought Sheila’s book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex I learned so much. I learned about all the wrong thinking I had about sex being about bodies.
Next I had to tackle my dissociation. I had practiced in my head so much disconecting myself from the physical that I no longer could feel any pleasure what so ever.
I took Shelia’s advice and started concentrating to find out what felt good. Boy was that HARD! It took weeks and then a single touch would only feel good for a second. I was disheartened. All that work and concentration for one or two seconds of skin sensation in a tiny area!
Over the next few months this happened again and again. I look back now and see it was like I had to Wake my Brain up to my body and it was WORK. HARD WORK. I had to ask my husband not to talk to me while we were together that was the kind of concentration and focus it took to wake my brain up to RECONNECT to my body.
I realised this week it’s taken 8 months of DAILY (yes he likes it that often) practice on my part to REAWAKEN love.
Katie and Marie
Con…
Have I orgasimed yet ? No. But let me tell you I feel things now I did not know were even possible. I now KNOW why people like to touch each other and why Men like to touch and be touched.
I’m at a point now where he can phone me and my body starts to come ALIVE. I think about him multiple times a day.
Waking my brain up means focusing on pleasant memories. In telling my brain to REST into that lovely feeling to ACCEPT that feeling. To ALLOW that feeling to expand.
I had to learn to be honest with my spouse about what I needed. That was hard for us both because he too was disheartened. He felt like he had failed me. He too wanted to buy a toy because just maybe that would allow me to experience what he had with me for decades. I said no. I want to learn to enjoy this.
Katie I’m like you I’ve tried the touching myself to figure out what feels good. That just does not work for me. I nearly fell off my chair listening to Shelia say Two to THree min If only.
I encourage you both to lean into the experience. Catch your thoughts. HYPER FOCUS on your husbands. Connect with them emotionally. Connect with them. Lean into your spouses advances.
THINK POSITIVE thoughts about every encounter. Cut off every negative thought.
It’s hard work but it’s worth the effort. The rewards will be way beyond your wildest imaginations.
PS it’s taken 8 months of persistence (yes I did fall off the horse and need to get back on more than once.) before he reached out to me and that touch almost make me climb out my skin with the pleasure. I finally felt that stoke of his hand from the top of my head to the souls of my feet…
Oh, that’s wonderful that things are starting to work for you! And you are so right about thinking positive things and cutting off every negative thought. That is so true. Thanks for encouraging my readers!
Thank you for the encouragement. I can relate to so much of what you have said. I’ve already begun implementing what you describe. Attempting to focus on what feels good when we’re together and focusing on that, not necessarily to try to climax (because that just makes me afraid of failing again), but to teach my brain and body that sex does, in fact, feel good. I’m hoping that with time, I will be able to climax, but for now, I don’t want the pressure of “making it happen,” I need to learn to simply enjoy sex.
I’ve been following your blog for years. I have read every one of your books. I have watched your videos. I have read books and blogs by MANY Christian s. I’ve also done the Awaken Love video series. I’ve done MELT massage videos. I am still in a struggle after 47 years of marriage. On very RARE occasions Ive climaxed with hand stimulation. I see no reason anymore why I should not FINALLY use some kind of vibrator if that is the only way my husband can see my face and know he is a wonderful lover and that I actually share some kind of experience that he does EVERY time. We are 66 & 65 we make love at least 3 times a week. After 47 years of practice and a handful of climaxes it seems like before our lives expire we should SHARE a climax experience together
Hi Jeanne, By all means, if you’ve been having that much trouble, it is okay to use a vibrator. I’m not saying it’s a sin, definitely not. It’s just that from what I’ve found, when people are struggling with achieving orgasm with their husband, a vibrator doesn’t make that struggle easier. It can cement it. Now, if you truly believe that orgasm is impossible without it, and this is the only way–then by all means. I just don’t want to see more people stuck in a never-ending cycle, if that makes sense.