If you’ve used porn, and you’ve rewired your brain to become aroused with fantasy rather than a person, is your sex life in marriage doomed?
This week we’ve been talking about how to use your brain well to get you on the road to a great sex life in marriage. After all, Paul told us to fill our minds with things that are pure and lovely (Philippians 4:8), and once you’re married, sex is indeed pure and lovely! God made it to be the ultimate expression of intimacy, something that brings you both together so that you truly “know” each other. And that’s awesome.
But what if our brains have been trained not to focus on arousal which comes from emotional vulnerability with each other, but instead which comes from the bad kind of fantasy, or with porn? Let’s deal with this today.
One young reader recently sent me this:
I am a 19 year old Christian girl, unmarried but in a serious relationship (will most likely be married to my BF in the next year or so) and I have struggled with watching porn, masturbation and reading erotica for much of my teenage life. I have sought out help many times and at one point was porn/masturbation free for 6 months. I have just recently really began to seek counseling and accountability for this issue. I am not sexually active with my boyfriend and am a virgin. However, I’m scared that when I enter married life that because my habits of these things my brain is rewired and won’t be able to enjoy married sex. I always was so careful that when it came to myself and another person I was protecting my purity, but what I didn’t realize was that when I took part in porn I was walking farther and farther away from purity as God intended. Do you have any advice for me as I’m walking through this season? Am I doomed when it comes to my brain being rewired?
Great question! Many women struggle with porn, and it really affects our ability to get aroused by our husbands.
My quick answer:
No, you’re not doomed. You are NEVER doomed. When we are able to surrender ourselves to God, and let go of the things that are holding us back from Him, He starts changing us from the inside out. And the Holy Spirit can do an amazing work when we don’t even realize it.
Now for my longer answer.
Your biggest problem will likely be relying on fantasy for arousal.
What’s brought you to orgasm up to now has been pornographic images and erotica, and so that will tend to be your “go-to” repertoire for how to get aroused.
And you’re going to have to fight against that! Fantasizing when you’re having sex with your husband is a form of cheating. It’s not okay. But hear me clearly on this: If you start from the very beginning fighting, I really think you’ll be fine.
Look, you’re doing everything as God would have to do it. You’ve confessed. You’ve gotten accountability. You’re seeking out God’s best for your life. So that’s wonderful. And He honestly does want you to enjoy your sex life in your marriage and He does want you to be free from this. Your challenge is simply making sure that from the very beginning, you don’t let your brain “go there”.
It’s frustrating when you want to get aroused and you can’t, and those fantasies are just at the edge, willing you to think about them. To deal with the frustration, many women run there. It’s called “dissociation“–when you fantasize during sex to get aroused, rather than concentrating on your husband. Now, there’s nothing wrong with thinking sexy thoughts about your hubby when you’re having sex! But when your brain has to conjure up pornographic pictures you’ve seen or stories you’ve read, then sex is no longer about “knowing” your husband or sharing an experience with your husband. It’s almost using him as your brain goes somewhere else. That’s wrong.
However, nothing is saying that your brain has to fantasize.
It may be a temptation, but you don’t have to give in to it. When those thoughts come, you can simply kick them out and focus instead on two things:
- How much you love your husband
- How good things feel right now
When you focus on what is feeling good physically, then instead of getting aroused by a fantasy, you can begin to get aroused by what he is doing.
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that we are in a spiritual battle for our minds at all times, and He asks us to actively fight:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
This includes taking our sexual thoughts captive, and replacing them with great thoughts about your husband and what he is doing! If you do that, you’ll likely find that your body responds just fine, and it doesn’t take very long to stop relying on those other things for arousal. In fact, you may not even find it much of a struggle at all if you discipline yourself even now to stop thinking about those images, and stop indulging in porn altogether.
(Covenant Eyes can help with that; the links below explaining are affiliate links).
So don’t worry about it. Really. Keep doing what you’re doing–getting accountability and going deeper with God. Reject those thoughts, and they won’t have power over you anymore. The reason that it is hard to rewire the brain is that many people aren’t willing to fight in the first place, and they’ve spent years training themselves to only get aroused by fantasy. If you commit yourself to the right direction, though, and you start off right, there’s no reason to think that your sex life will be “doomed” whatsoever!
I know this doesn’t sound like a very sexy verse at all, but Psalm 37:4 says:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
That’s a promise. When you focus on God, He actually gives you your desires. I don’t think this means that He gives us the objects of our desire; I think it means He shapes our desires to be those things that are good. I believe that He’ll give you a great desire for your husband, then, as you grow closer to Him. So don’t give the fantasy life too much power in your mind. You can let it go, because God will fight for you, this is a battle He wants you to win, and He’s given you the ability to fight the battle, too!
What do you think? Have you ever had to battle an unhealthy fantasy life? How did you deal with it? Let’s talk in the comments!
We need to talk more about women and porn, because teenage girls are now becoming ensnared in porn, too. It’s not just a male problem. So this is a great reminder to parents: Just because you don’t have sons doesn’t mean that you don’t need to get controls on your computer or have those conversations with your kids about porn. Girls can get hooked in, too. Let’s do what we can to protect our kids, and let’s protect ourselves as well!
Check out how Covenant Eyes can help you battle porn yourself, and can help protect your children.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Good Morning Sheila – I wanted to share a couple thoughts here based on my past as a sex addict. I am really glad for this woman that she is coming clean at 19. She really does have a great opportunity to have a great marriage. She will have work to do for sure…but she has the opportunity to stop the madness now and not go on for another 11 years like I did. Obsession/Fantasy is a huge issue for the sex addict. (Although the sexual aspect is a large part of the fantasy It doesn’t just happen in the sexual aspect. I would fantasize about how an interaction was going to take place say at work for example all the way down to the argument and what I as going to say and how it would end- it never turned out the way I thought) I heard this anecdote one time. An addict walked into a room. He saw a woman and by the time he got to the seat next to her they had gotten married and had 3 children and were divorced before he even sat down. That is the mind of an addict. I wanted to share my first tool that I was given on fantasy when I started to recover. As you mentioned kick the thoughts out. I was told that but also told not to think. That was tough advice to understand. It took me what feels like several years to finally understand what I was being told when one day I got pissed off at my sponsor when I was telling him the thoughts I struggled with and he said well you think too much – Stop thinking. My question was this: What do you think when your not thinking because not thinking is not realistic! He said – Think of how you can help someone else. Replace your thoughts with healthy thoughts. So when the fantasy thoughts came in I picked up the phone and called someone who was struggling just like me. Sometimes I would call a friend or my Mom and say what do you need help with? Just changing that mind set with service to others was an awesome tool I still use daily for all my challenges.
That’s an excellent point, Phil. It’s like “don’t create a vacuum. Fill a vacuum.”
Very much like the parable in Luke 11 about the demons being cast out, but then returning, finding the house swept clean, and inviting in more than before.
We can’t just empty ourselves; we have to replace it with something. And the something I’d recommend when you’re making love is just what I said: What’s feeling good right now? And I love my husband! Think about those two things and your body is more likely to respond.
Comment on the covenant eyes topic – I have shared here before I am not a big fan of covenant eyes. I say this because I have watched SO MANY MEN use this program just to go find another computer or other method to go act out sexually anyway. I prefer the approach of taking responsibility for your actions when you are an adult recovering from your sexual past. That’s just me being tough maybe cuz people were tough with me. I will say I know a few who use it successfully and that I am a fan of any tool that you can use to stop the madness. Check this out: Recently while Sheila was in Aussieland Becca wrote about having protection on your e-devices for your children. It really struck me. We have nothing on any device at all. I have one simple rule with my kids. Don’t view inappropriate stuff on your devices. Thats it. You get 1 chance with me and I promise you will never see an electronic device again while you live in my house. This rule is very clear to my kids and I reviewed it again with them recently after Becca’s post. I also stand in the position that I trust my kids. I really do. My kids come to me and my wife about anything and everything. They know they can. So far it has worked. Here is the thing. Last night I made a decision. I love my children. I will do anything to protect them. I lock our doors every night to protect them. Why wouldn’t I put a lock on my computer to protect them? I am considering putting covenant eyes on our devices. Not so that I can monitor it. No I am not interested in that. I trust my kids. But what if they type in the wrong word? What if auto suggest finished their thoughts with the wrong innuendo? What if the search takes them somewhere they never intended to be? Why wouldn’t I protect them from this? So I will be doing the research on how to block the garbage from my kids. I am starting with covenant eyes. If that isn’t the right product for us I will find something else. I was fishing on vacation about 8 years ago and this man I had met invited me out on his boat. We talked about family. He told me about his recent encounter with his son who had been viewing porn. He said to me. It is my understanding that you only need to view it once to get hooked. I nod my head in agreement. I have worked my BUTT OFF for the last 15 years to recover from my sexual past. By the Grace of God today I have an awesome wife in an awesome marriage with 3 great kids. I thought I was doomed too. NOPE. God blesses me every day. For this I am forever grateful. If anyone wants to dialogue about how to find help from porn use or addiction you can email me at funphilled38 at yahoo – thanks Sheila.
Yes, exactly, Phil. That’s really what Covenant Eyes is for more than anything else. I think it just makes it harder for kids to see things inadvertently, and it makes it harder for teens to become addicted to porn. And as parents, I do think we owe that to our children.
I also think we need to keep talking, all the time, and let kids wrestle with these things. And we need to understand that one day they will be out in the real world, and they won’t be able to resist temptation if we haven’t taught them how. But stopping kids from getting pulled in when they’re so young–well, that’s a real gift.
As for adults who have an addiction, I think it can be a helpful tool. It isn’t a panacea and it isn’t the answer, though. it simply provides a foundation so that now you can do the real work. I’ve just seen so many people ravaged by this when as adults when the addiction started when they were 13-14-15 (like this reader), and if we can stop the 13-14-15 thing from happening, or at least delay things until they’re more mature and can fight it better, that’s important.
I assume in counseling this young woman worked through the WHY of her draw to porn, because I think this is so important. I believe porn or any fantasy is some form of self-medicating, aka a coping mechanism. So what are you coping from? There is probably a legitimate need there, so how can you learn to cope in a legitimate way?
I have never struggled with porn but I still struggle with dissociation and fantasy during sex. I think I’ve shared this before, that your book, Sheila, first convicted me of dissociating (I had never heard of that before but knew instantly that I was doing it), and then the book The Fantasy Fallacy helped me to identify what all my fantasies had in common. That made it painstakingly clear that my brain was still coping with sexual trauma from my teens (that I never knew was trauma, because it was only recently that I realized it was not consensual and fully counts as sexual assault). This is SO helpful to me as I battle the fantasies. I am not a freak for having these fantasies; my brain is just coping in illegitimate ways trying to heal. The more I unpack and heal from the trauma, the more the fantasies lose their appeal. And the more I am able to stay present with my husband, and I remind myself that I am safe and I am loved and my sexual desires matter and I will NEVER be pushed when I say stop.
But I agree with you that it will be SO much easier for this poster if she avoids slipping into fantasy from the beginning. Because after doing this for years, I can tell you it is HARD to stop. There are times I can’t orgasm right now as I am trying to retrain my brain, and the loss of that mental stimulation does mean a loss of arousal. But I am staying present with my hubby for the first time is years, and that has made sex infinitely more powerful, even if I’ve had to sacrifice some of the pleasure. I just keep trusting that my body will learn eventually.
Thank you for talking about this, Sheila. It’s been a lonely road for me because I don’t know many women who struggle with this (or who are brave enough to talk about it). But learn from me and DON’T START. It’s worth it!
The why for women doesn’t always have to be rooted in trauma. That might be a trend among Millennials and older who compulsively use pornography, but this reader is a GenZ/iGen. Pornography is socially acceptable and expected among GenZ for both males and females. So it could be a coping mechanism, or it could be something she turns to for a good time. Because it doesn’t carry the stigma among GenZ that it has for older generations, GenZ has just worked pornography into their repertoire of entertainment, no different than NetFlix or video games. To them, it’s just another thing you can turn to. If it becomes addictive, then yes, there might be an underlying trauma and it could be a coping mechanism. Some experts will say that 100% of their addicted women have a history of trauma- but I have heard from women who have no such trauma- come from loving, supportive homes, and still have struggled with porn, because they thought it was fun. Assuming women turn to pornography only because of trauma alienates the growing number of women who turn to it for entertainment. This reader’s why could simply be because she’s chosen this as a sexual outlet, just like a man would. There doesn’t have to be a deeper reason. There could be, but there doesn’t have to be.
Jessica – There is always a deeper rooted problem besides it is just fun and you are some Genz whatever excuse. I have heard the I came from a good loving home with no big childhood impact story a million times, but then when they start telling their story there is always something rooted deeper. Could be dysfunctional…or something as simple and critical as Having the wrong messages about sex and lack of good parental guidance and not having JESUS are all reasons enough to include porn in ones life…whether it be what was termed as socially acceptable or not…if that person thinks it is socially acceptable then they have the wrong message. It is ALWAYS wrong messages man or woman other wise they would not participate. IMHO.
I agree it doesn’t have to be rooted in trauma, so I don’t mean to imply that it is necessarily; that’s just my personal story. I still think it becomes a coping mechanism for something deeper even if it started out as something fun or curiosity, though. I don’t think why you started porn/fantasy matters as much as what keeps you coming back. Yes, porn causes a high similar to drugs, but what keeps you coming back for that high? I believe most people keep coming back to porn and fantasy as a result of some insecurity or wound they are not dealing with in a God-honoring way. Maybe there are exceptions, but I bet they are few.
And it actually probably only rarely has anything to do with sex at all. It did for me, but feeling inadequate at work or school, for example, is enough to trigger the desire to look at porn for some. It’s escapism. The problem can be any stress at all, and we all have stress. Looking at the “triggers” can make all the difference when it comes to avoiding a relapse and healing from the trigger.
Jessica, sometime back you and i had a brief exchange here in the comments section of Sheilas blog. I went on Beggars daughter and ended up watching a youtube video of you sharing your testimony. It really touched me. The part where you talk about waiting to be picked up from the piano lesson almost made me cry.. (not an easy thing to do). I wanted to smash both my arms through my computer screen and give you an internet hug. I hope you are doing well.
Picking up from Phil and Kay, as an actively recovering addict myself, I will say from my experience that there is Hope (and I capitalize that deliberately as the Hope rests in Him) and you can have an amazing intimate life with your spouse; I hope the poster discovers—as I have—how fulfilling and encompassing it is, far surpassing the one dimensionality that porn and erotica offers. I’ve discovered that, in the intimate sanctuary of the marriage bed, I can turn off my brain and let all five senses get activated. My recommendation would be focus on all the sights, sounds, fragrances, flavors and textures of your spouse in some blend, don’t think and just be.
Amen! Love that, absolutely.
My husband was a self-described porn addict when he was an atheist and he gave it up when he returned to Christ.
Let’s just say his desire for me has not been lacking.
He said he looked at porn so he wouldn’t be distracted by real women that he assumed would start screaming rape if he looked at them the wrong way. So I am sure porn consumption does suppress men’s desire for real world women; that is actually its appeal in many cases.
I feel the same as the girl who asked the question. Is the recovery from this the same for a man?
I occasionally still struggle with pornography and lustful thoughts during sex, though I have found a great deal of victory in the past few years (the past two of which I have been married). If you have confessed your past and your temptations with your husband, should you confess each time you fall into sin again, or would that just cause unnecessary pain? I confess my sin to the Lord every time and take steps to avoid tempting situations, but still fall into sin once every couple of months or so.
Hi, KC–
First off, I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to be open and honest with your spouse about this struggle. That is huge, and so great that it is so early into your marriage, too!
I think when it comes to confessing each and every time, I don’t know how necessary that is. I think what is most helpful is being able to go to him and say, “I want to get this under control. I’m having a hard time right now. Can we figure out something that might be able to help me with this?”
If it is still a consistent struggle that you are facing, approach it as such. Allow him to help you gain the tools you need to overcome this. But I think that talking about it every single time it happens just for the sake of getting it off your chest can become very emotionally taxing for the spouse without the addiction. But phrasing it in terms of, “I’m still struggling, I want to fix it but I’ve hit this plateau I can’t seem to cross by myself. Lets figure out the next step” is a totally different conversation. you’re taking responsibility, not putting it on his shoulders, but giving him a chance to enter in and be a part of your journey. And he could also say, “I’m not the best person for this, would you be willing to talk to a friend as an accountability partner” if that’s what he is comfortable with.
Does anyone else have any thoughts about this?
Thank you for your reply. I agree that part of the reason I feel the urge to tell him every time has to do with trying to relieve my own guilt, even at his expense, which isn’t the most loving attitude to have. Do you know of any other good resources aimed at Christian women? Either about trying to gain freedom from this type of sin and / or having fruitful conversations with my husband? Almost every resource I find is aimed either solely or mostly towards men, and many seem to imply that women can’t fully understand, which is hurtful and defeating. My husband deserves my full love and sexual attention and I want to do everything I can do to give him that. As I step into the journey of motherhood, I want to be able to be a good role model for my children too, in this increasingly sex saturated world.