One of the thoughts that always occurs to me around Father’s Day is that I’m so glad I’m a mom, and not a dad.
This week Father’s Day is upon us, so it’s time to thank Dad by emptying stores of ugly ties and the occasional fishing lure.
And sometimes, I think, the females of our species are guilty of approaching this day with a little bit of derision. Just look at how easy he’s got it! Women are the ones who really do everything; men may work at their jobs, but they spend the rest of their lives trying to get out of labour. They’re the lucky sex.
I get it. As I’ve shared this year about the horrific way women are often treated in society, and even in our churches, sometimes it is much easier to be a man.
Nevertheless, I am so, so glad that I am not. Because while women do have our difficulties, men do as well. And so I thought that today we could recognize some of those difficulties together!
At school, we girls can bicker and insult each other, but if we shy away from actually throwing a punch, people don’t question our bravery. If a guy were to refuse to stand up to a bully, though, he’d be labelled “a coward”.
Women can cry at movies, at goodbyes, at births, at deaths, and even at slivers being removed, and everyone just passes the Kleenex. If a man cries, people look worried and back away slowly.
If a woman spends hours on Netflix watching chick flicks and rom-coms, it’s called “self-care,” but if a guy plays video games after work it’s called immature, even if he wastes less time than she does.
If we want to make friends with kids on the block, people think that we’re saintly. If men want to, people assume they’re perverts.
If a guy has difficulty putting a roast beef dinner together or dressing the kids in clothes that match, women are allowed to laugh at him. But no guy is allowed to laugh at a woman who doesn’t know how to change the oil in her car.
If a woman wants to stay home and be a stay-at-home wife, no one bats an eye. But a man saying, “I’d rather stay home and take care of the house than work a 9-5” is seen as lazy or unmotivated, even if he is proposing to do the exact same role as the wife would have.
If a woman starts dating a guy, she gets taken out for free meals, gets flowers and presents, and is showered with chocolate. Which he is expected to pay for, even if he makes less money than she does while they’re dating. Dating can cost guys hundreds of dollars, whereas there isn’t the same expectation that women shell out cash on a date!
While women deal with the media’s portrayal of the “perfect body,” men do, too–and it’s also largely things they can’t control. How well you grow facial hair, your body’s ability to build muscle, your face shape, and whether or not you have male-pattern baldness all contribute to whether or not you have the right “manly” look or not. And there’s not much you can do about it if you don’t have those “masculine” qualities.
When a crisis hits, like a basement flood or a dispute with contractors, she can always pass the buck to him to deal with it. But he can’t pass the buck to anyone.
If a man is grumpy, we lambaste him for it. If a woman is grumpy, she has a “get out of moodiness” free card she can play, no matter what the time of the month. And if a guy challenges her on it, then she can whip out the “I went through labour because of you” trump card. Then he’s toast.
If a woman is upset, chances are there are at least 5 friends she can phone or text immediately to talk it through. Most men are lucky if they have even one good friend they talk about emotions with. Men may get together with other men to watch sports or to do a hobby, but most men have no one with whom they regularly share their feelings.
Do women have it bad? Of course we do.
We’ve got PMS and pain and superwoman syndrome and pressure to be a size 4 and soccer practice and hot flashes. But let’s not pretend that we’re alone in our suffering.
Men have a lot to live up to as well. And while there’s pressure on us to be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, there’s also a lot of pressure on guys to be this macho man who has it all together. Part of having it all together, too, is this idea that he never needs anyone or anything, which means it’s so much harder for men to talk about how they really feel.
So on this day, let’s acknowledge that men do indeed have it rough. Let’s celebrate him for being a guy, whether he’s a brother, a son, a father, or a husband. After all, guys really do deserve our gratitude.
Who is a father in your life that you want to celebrate this Father’s day? Share about it in the comments and let’s honor the amazing men in our lives!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks for this Sheila. I have seen many comments from a few here on how hard women have it. Oh and I agree. I wouldnt want child birth or monthly periods or to deal with a man for that matter haha! I suppose my view is that both sexes have their LOT and neither one is always fair or pleasant. Our job is to make it eaiser for each other. Real men have a Rocking Marriage and love their wives and their children with all their heart. I saw a bumper sticker recently that said. REAL MEN LOVE JESUS. Have a good weekend all – Happy Fathers Day to all too! I will be fishing 👍🏻
My husband!
Father to our child who isn’t biologically ours. He was already super protective over her in the days between finding out we were taking her in and actually holding her for the first time. He’s not ashamed that she was already causing him to tear up before even meeting her, and many times since 🙂
It’s something quite profound watching our baby girl from a vulnerable situation now having a strong dad that is completely invested in raising her well and being a present father.
He is doing an amazing job at being super fun and silly with her, setting an example for how a husband should respect his wife, getting down to her level to teach her something, taking her on dates, patiently helping her sort through emotions, showing the importance of being obedient to God, teaching her what true beauty is and affirming who God has made her to be. I could go on…
She’s bummed out that daddy is already taken because she wants to marry him, so I tell her when its time (like 20 years from now lol) to look for a man that has similar qualities to daddy.
Our daughter and I are very thankful for her dad/my husband! His coming home is our favorite part of the day.
I hate it when men(dads) are put down. My husband and I are sarcastic with eachother (it’s how him and I joke around) and so I want to be more careful I don’t carry this over when I’m with my girlfriends.
I’m incredibly thankful I don’t have to be the person to take care of a pregnant wife. Other people being out of commission stresses me out so much, and my husband handles it so very gracefully.
Hi Shiela,
Thanks for writing this, I appreciate it. But I would like to add one more. Abuse. There is so much attention being called to the situation of women being abused, and rightly so. I’m not at all minimizing that. I know what women feel being afraid to name the abuse, afraid to tell, not understanding what is happening to them, afraid of not being believed and she shame associated with all. It is awful.
I know you have pointed this out in past posts so i’m not talking to you, But men are abused also. We aren’t just an afterthought at the end of an article on abuse. 99% of everything written about abuse is written to women, some writers are gracious enough to add a blurb stating that men can be abused too. But for the most part it is all written to women, and for women. It does not tackle the issues from a man’s point of view, or the specific ways that abuse for men is different.
In some ways, I understand this and it is partially our own fault. Many men have trouble identifying and expressing their feelings and this makes it difficult to address. We are taught from a young age to be nice to the girl, and it doesn’t seem nice to confront her on her abuse, so we don’t. We don’t want to talk about it because most people frankly don’t care or don’t believe you. Some of the people I have chosen to tell a little bit about my abuse (especially christians) start out listening but as soon as you start talking about emotional abuse, their eyes glaze over, they look uncomfortable and you can tell they just don’t buy it. Many don’t even believe that emotional abuse exists and that is especially true when it is a man being abused. I have been told to just tough it out, be more understanding, love her a little more, just ignore it, it can’t be that bad. Some of them have come around, but that is only because they have been living this with me for a long time and they have seen the lies, deception, manipulation and crazy making behavior. They have learned because they have started recognizing this behavior toward them also.
Now, everyone is so focused on abuse toward women, it makes me even more afraid to speak up. Men are so demonized in our society and made out to be insensitive jerks that only want to take advantage of women, that we are even more afraid, more ashamed, and less willing to open our mouths.
Frankly, it all hurts. It hurts the same weather you are a man or a woman. I am so tired of society pitting the sexes against each other. It hurts so badly to be abused, especially after you recognize it as such. It hurts to have your very personhood denied by the person that vowed to love you and put you first for the rest of your life. It hurt as you come to the realization that what you thought you had in marriage was just a fantasy that your own mind came up with to make the rejection tolerable. It hurts to work up the courage to tell someone else only to have them tell you that it cant be that bad, or you only need to work or love harder, forgive more. It hurts to have friends try to “fix” you but are to afraid to confront your spouses sin. It hurts to come to the realization that the only option you have left is divorce and you know that many (christians) will never accept that, even if it is for adultery. It hurts because you know the abusive spouse is blaming you for their sin and abuse and there really isn’t much you can do about it. It hurts to know that your spouse is making things up about you to your kids and trying to get them on her “side”
Sorry, I think i’m off topic and rambling so Ill just stop now.
Sheep—thank you for sharing your story. Your voice is important.
Sheep,
Maybe you can start changing the conversation little by little, at least in your own world. Can you start a blog? Maybe write a book?
I know I’m trying to do what I can to spread the word about emotional abuse. It doesn’t seem like the church handles it well. Churches need to do better about understanding that it may be happening in their midst, and handling it correctly when it does happen.
Ashley,
Maybe someday. It is all way to complicated and fresh to do that at this point. I am also still in the middle of it all. We are nearing the end, but not there yet and I have to do everything I can to make this as easy as possible on the kids. I think I need to be a lot further along before I could write like that about it, especially if there is a chance she would find out about it.
Sheep – it is true. I am working with a guy who is just coming out on the otherside of an abusive marraige. Yes he has his part but he truly didnt even know he was in abusive relationship/marriage for over 20 some years. I had to tell him. Pretty tough. He is a good father. Time will tell how the story turns out but for know he is safe and recovering. So yes it does effect men as well. Thanks for adding this.
Sheila,
I wish I could hug you for this article. Thank you so much and God bless you!
Sincerely,
Jeff Jones
Thanks for the thumbs up to men, Sheila. I would say that the best way a woman can give that boost of support to her husband is to say positive things TO him, not just ABOUT him. I’m typical of many men of my generation (l’m 60) in that we got very little in the way of verbal affirmation, especially from our own dads. My dad was very proud of me and said good things to other people, but never to me. It wasn’t until about 2 weeks before he died that he expressed his love and pride directly to me.
Men often get affirmation when they do well at work, in sports, in some endeavor. But the biggest need of out hearts is to hear that affirmation directly from our wives. My wife finally understood that anything affirming I got from someone else meant nothing to me if I didn’t hear it from her.
So ladies, by all means take advantage of Father’s Day to affirm your husband. But please also do so throughout the year. We really want to be your heroes, and your affirmation is all it takes to make us feel invincible.
This man is the most amazing dad! He leads our family by being an example! He stops what he’s doing and helps Jarren work on his boat, even though he was trying to finish his work. He took him to Dallas, the two of them went just to do something one on one. He takes Ali on dates to show her how a man is supposed to treat a lady. He took her to Dallas, just the two of them because was disappointed that she only got to spend two hours at the art museum when she went with the school. He loves Leslie and Kailyn unconditionally and treats them like they are his because they are as far as he’s concerned! My husband loses a lot of sleep at night because of me. I have an issue that causes problems at night. When they start, I’m still asleep and he wakes me, heats me a hot pad, brings me medicine and rubs my neck while I cry like a baby. When it stops and I drift off to sleep, he stays awake to make sure it’s really gone then he will go to sleep. I hate that this happens but it’s truly humbling when you are totally helpless and he helps and protects you because he truly loves you. Don’t get me wrong, It hasn’t always been this way, he messes up (sometimes really bad) but he has worked really hard to right the wrongs. He has told his kids his very personal struggles of life to help them see that people do make mistakes BUT they do not define who you are and its ok to admit you are wrong and say I’m sorry. He’s not perfect and doesn’t pretend to be. But….he IS perfect because he loves God first, and tries to lead by example! He truly is perfect for us❤️
Thanks for sharing. It is nice to see a blog encouraging men. I believe the key for a men is to seek God and other men who will keep you accountable. I have been doing this for the last five years and even though I am not perfect. I am day by day improving to be a better man.