What do you do if you fantasize about romance novels or TV shows, but you can’t seem to fantasize about your husband?
It’s Rebecca on the blog today. I wrote a post a while back talking about how sexual desire is not wrong in and of itself, and why sexual attraction isn’t a sin. But what about the flip side? What about women who are married and WANT to be able to daydream or fantasize about their husbands, but they just don’t get all that excited anymore?
Now, when we say “fantasizing” I don’t mean role-playing in your head–I mean simply thinking explicitly about sex with your husband.
Some women are so uncomfortable thinking about sex explicitly that they read novels instead or throw themselves into rom-coms and romantic TV shows because it gives them an outlet. It’s an escape tactic–sex is happening to someone else, but they’re experiencing the rush. It’s safer.
But it’s good to be a sexual person. It’s OK to make yourself some lunch and, while you make that lunch, think explicitly about what you want to do to your husband tonight. It’s OK to find yourself daydreaming about something he did last week that felt amazing. Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of in your marriage–and wanting and thinking about sex isn’t bad either.
What we see a lot in just talking to friends and looking at the wider Christian culture is that many women are obsessed with romance stories, flirty TV shows, or handsome actors but have a really hard time getting excited and flustered over their husbands. So today I’m talking about a bit of the psychology of how to re-wire your brain so that your husband becomes the object of your fantasy again.
Let’s go!
Purge any roadblocks and junk from your brain
Many women find it hard to fantasize about their husbands, but easy to get caught up in other fantasies. This is why erotica as well as completely G-rated romance fiction are so popular among women–it’s all an escape where you’re whisked off to an adventure somewhere else with a new, exciting person.
But many women find themselves utterly dissatisfied with their actual marriage after reading one of these books–even if it’s just another Amish Christian romance novel.
If you find yourself obsessing over romance novels or fantasizing about a character in a TV show or movie you are watching, it may be time to cut that out from your life. It’s not wrong to read romance novels or watch TV shows with lead actors you find attractive–not at all! But when it crosses over to consuming your mind and crowding out your desire for your husband, it may be time for a break from it.
It’s like this: if you want to lose weight, you have to work out. But your workouts aren’t going to be very effective if you’re still eating a bag of chips every day. You’ve got to cut out the chips if you’re going to see any progress, or all your hard work is just going to be destroyed when you put junk back into your body. It’s the same with romantic and sexual fantasies.
Recognize that your libido isn’t only about the times you’re having sex–it encompasses your whole relationship
Libido is about more than how easy or hard it is to turn you on. Libido (especially for women, but also for men) encompasses the sexual energy of your relationship as a whole–that’s why little things like him doing the dishes or thinking to grab another carton of eggs on his way home can actually improve your sex life! When the relationship as a whole is good, it’s much easier to raise your libido, and when the relationship is bad, often libido takes a nose dive.
But often, people in perfectly good marriages can act and think in a way that convinces them that their marriage is “blah” or disappointing.
In psychology, there’s a concept called “Cognitive Dissonance.” This is the feeling you get when your beliefs and your actions don’t match up–it feels bad. So you do some mental gymnastics and create new beliefs or alter your old ones so that you can match what your actions are. How we respond to cognitive dissonance is what impacts the kind of person we become.
The fun part is that we can hijack cognitive dissonance for our marriages. If you want to believe or think something, start acting like you do already. Do you believe your husband is a bit boring, or you’re not in love with him anymore? Shake your brain up by acting in the exact opposite way. Treat your husband like you already think he is the most amazing man in the world. Get up when he comes in the door and run over and give him a kiss. While you watch TV, run your hands through his hair or put your head on his shoulder. Talk about the wonderful things he does, or what he’s great at. Think about how he made you feel when you were dating, and re-live those emotions while you’re running your errands. Your brain will have to compensate for your actions that are against what you believe.
I’m not talking about lying to yourself here–some husbands are just bad men. But for many, you’re married to a wonderful man but you’ve lost the spark. So you’re training your brain to find the spark, even if you’ve lost it. That’s all.
If you focus on these things, and you act in a way that says, “I think you’re the most amazing man in the world,” your brain starts to become more alert to things he does that confirms the idea that he is fantastic and amazing since you’ve spent time building up those neural pathways.
Before you know it, it becomes easier and easier to fall in love with him all over again.
Learn to re-frame your thoughts
Often fantasizing about your husband can be difficult because it’s easy to list off 400 things he could do better, but it’s difficult to think of an equal number of things he does right!
This is because our brains are primed to notice negative or potentially harmful things. Happy things pose no threat–so your brain just lets them pass by. But when something bad happens, it’s your brain’s job to alert you so that you can make sure you’re safe and won’t experience any discomfort.
Fantasizing about your husband, then, is at least partially about learning to reframe how you see things.
Do you see him not putting the dishes in the dishwasher right as yet another thing you need to re-do, or him taking ownership of household cleaning (even if it means it’s not getting done “your way”)?
Do you immediately jump to the thought that he’s inconsiderate when he gets home an hour later than he planned to when out with his friends, or do you celebrate that he has such great friendships in his life that feed his soul and encourage him?
When he comes home stressed after a hard day at work and just wants to veg, is that really him being selfish, or is it an opportunity for you to show him love and compassion?
You don’t read many romance novels where the protagonist’s internal monologue is all what the man could have done better. And that’s because romance flourishes when you switch into an “other” orientation–your first thought is not about your own desires and wants, but how you can bless and serve the other. That’s love, and both partners having that mindset is the bedrock of an amazing marriage.
Bring some adventure back to your relationship!
Finally, if you have a hard time getting excited about your husband, perhaps the problem is that your life in general is kind of “blah” right now.
We’re in the world of shortcuts and constant passive entertainment. Neither lead to a very fulfilling life.
If you’ve gotten caught up in the “watching Netflix while we eat dinner” kind of routine, switch it up. Take that dance class you’ve always wanted. Start a hobby like knitting or sewing. Make a habit of doing one adventurous or fun thing a week with your husband.
By injecting something new into your routine, you throw your brain’s natural rhythm out of sync. As a result, everything can seem new and shiny again–that’s why so many people feel their relationships are rejuvenated when they go on vacations together. When the setting changes, you get to re-learn the other person.
A romantic, passionate marriage is not an impossible goal. There are stages of life, for sure, and some times you experience more “being in love” than others, but romance can be rekindled.
If you’ve struggled with fantasizing about men, actors, or even storybook characters and want to reclaim that part of your sexuality for your marriage, finding that romance and passion again will make fantasizing about your husband come naturally again.
What are some ways you keep the romance alive in your marriage? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach is a 23-year-old Canadian blogger/author and the daughter of Sheila Wray Gregoire. Married since 2015, she is passionate about helping others challenge the status quo and live for more, whether in their relationships, their educational or occupational goals, or their walks with God. And yes, like her mother, she also knits.
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- Why I Didn't Rebel. Ever wondered why some kids rebel and some don't? Or do you believe rebellion is inevitable? Rebecca interviewed 25 young adults and dove into psychology research to find out: what makes some kids rebel, and some stay on the straight-and-narrow?
- The Whole Story: Not-So-Scary Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up. Scared to talk to your daughter about puberty? Rebecca and her sister Katie want to do the hard part for you. This course is designed to start conversations to bring you closer together and strengthen your mother-daughter bond while giving your daughter all the information she needs as she becomes a woman.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This article is a good example of how I feel this site is biased against men, and gives women a free (or much freer) pass. Rebecca is talking about women fantasizing about guys who aren’t their husband, and yet she doesn’t admonish women at all for this. She doesn’t even suggest that this could be sin in her article. But switch the subject to men fantasizing about women (be it porn or not) and then there’s all sorts of shaming and use of the word ‘sin’. Argh!!!
Hey, Bryan!
I totally get your point here, and there does need to be equal discussion.
But fantasize often means something very different for men versus women–for the women this post is written for, many are fantasizing about romance, not even really sex at all. In fact, the show “Heartland” comes up a lot (a completely G-rated romance Hallmark-type TV program).
So although it is damaging, it really is not the same thing as having a habitual pornography addiction. Another thing is that daydreaming about romance doesn’t feed into the sex trafficking market the way that watching porn does. Still harmful, but there is a level of evil to pornography you just don’t find with romantic daydreaming that women often do.
As well, the article is written for women who WANT to start fantasizing about their husbands–they’ve accepted something is wrong, and they’re looking to change it.
If this were written for women who didn’t see any problem with it, that would be a different thing. 🙂 Plus, please see all the other articles on this site about the dangers of erotica and how women can wreck sex lives, too!
And tomorrow, Sheila will be addressing explicit sexual fantasies and how damaging they can be.
Hey Rebecca, I often read this blog, but this is the first time I have posted anything. I do appreciate the time that you spent writing this. The timing is perfect. My husband and I had a baby a year ago and then he was deployed. It was so hard to be apart and go through so many life changes. We definitely grew apart. Now that we are back in the same place, I have found myself resentful and slightly bitter. He wasn’t there when I needed him! My mind knows that he would have been there if he could have been, but it seemed that no matter how much I told myself that, I just didn’t believe it. I was only focusing on what he was doing wrong. This is so sad because he is such a great guy. The last two weeks we have been talking more and he is trying too. He has seen the toll separation has taken and he is just as motivated to rebuild our marriage. I have been taking time to remind him what a great husband he has been and all of the things our family is because of him. This has helped tremendously. I am starting to really like him again!!! Thanks again Rebecca.
I’m so glad to hear that, Amber, and to hear both of your journeys towards figuring out life! Your family will be so much stronger for the work you’re putting in right now!
Personally, I’ve never fantasized about sex or erotica, ever. I have fantasized about romance though. And I always love a good romance movie. Romance to me is all about the relationship. It’s about a dreamy guy who thinks I’m the greatest and wants to pursue me, not sex. Realistically, I know that’s a fantasy.
I like your idea of creating my own fantasy about my husband. Incorporating all of his good points and cute traits. Not a bad idea to help focus positive energies toward and about him. I might have a little problem conjuring up sexual fantasies though. I’ve never done that before. But, focusing on his good points and fantasizing about him desiring spending time with me because I’m me might lead down that path eventually. Never know. Thank you Rebecca.
Great tips, Rebecca!
When a wife fantasizes about a man or men, either real or imagined, isn’t that an adulterous thought and preoccupation?
I think it depends on what kind of fantasizing is going on–is the person reading a book and getting carried away but then catching themselves before it turns into an obsessive fantasy, or are they consistently seeking out that fantasy to give them gratification?
To flip this, if a man notices a woman is beautiful or attractive, or is even attracted TO her, that’s not the same thing as him lusting after her. I’m not mad if my husband finds someone attractive–but I’d be mad if he were to go and seek out pictures of her or ogled her whenever she was near.
Similarly, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a romance novel and getting swept up in the adventure. But that’s very different than reading a romance novel as an outlet for romantic or sexual energy (whether or not the book actually has sex scenes in it).
For most of these things, my husband and I tend to both ask ourselves, “would I feel guilty if my spouse knew I was thinking/looking at/reading this right now?” We find that to be a pretty good litmus test in our marriage!
Thanks Rebecca,
I think this post is speaking to me. I really admire your wealth of wisdom, it would seem you have been married forever.
Like you said our brains are wired to remember the bad stuff, am in that place where I even convince myself he no loger loves me. It is really blah for me and I do hope these strategies will work.
Several years ago, I had to put down the romance novels. They left me feeling dissatisfied in my own marriage. I also have to monitor my TV watching and my thoughts about certain actors in movies and on TV shows.
What I’ve found by doing this is that I’m more satisfied with my marriage – the real, in the flesh ugly-at-times-because-it’s-deals-with-two-imperfect-humans real. But I like it much better this way.
I’m not saying this will work for everyone – but this is what I had to do for me. I *want* to only desire my husband. I *want* what’s real. And once I put aside the romance novels and movies and started appreciating my husband for who he is and everything he does (he really is awesome), I felt more settled spiritually and emotionally.