Can high school become a toxic environment?
Absolutely. I want to talk briefly today about 13 Reasons Why (the Netflix show), but don’t worry if you don’t care about that show. I’m going to make a bigger point that applies to all of us.
When the first season of 13 Reasons Why came out, I binge watched it and actually thought it was pretty good (though the graphic suicide scene and sexual assault scene were not needed). I wrote about it and provided some discussion questions that parents could use with kids, and recommended that parents watch it WITH their kids. So many kids were watching it anyway, I thought it was important to give a framework for conversation. And I thought the overall message–that things can look really, really bad when they actually aren’t that bad–was an important one for teens to hear.
That first season did so well that Netflix thought they should make a second season. Only problem? The first season was based on an actual book. So they had to create more problems to put into a second season.
I watched the first two episodes and gave up. It was way too much teenage angst, and I just couldn’t make it through. I know there’s a ton of controversy about the graphic sexual assault scene in this season as well, and I decided it wasn’t worth my time. (You can find some good discussion questions for the first and second seasons of 13 Reasons Why here, though). I certainly wouldn’t recommend the second season. The points were made in the first season; there’s no need for more teenage angst to fuel the fire.
But as I was watching those first two episodes, something bigger occurred to me.
The philosophy of 13 Reasons Why is this: “Teens have problems that seem really big. But if you will just talk to an adult, the problems won’t seem as big and you can get through them.”
They’re showing how teens get caught up in their own emotional state and don’t see the reality of the situation, and they really do need an adult.
So far so good. I think we can all likely agree on that–teens should talk to adults.
But here’s where things get complicated.
In the first two episodes that I watched, the adults did everything right. And the kids still didn’t talk to them.
These were not clueless parents. These were not teachers who didn’t care. These were not hopelessly “uncool” parents who could never understand. These parents were reaching out appropriately, and the kids STILL didn’t talk to them.
Why not?
It’s quite simple. I think the premise of 13 Reasons Why is wrong. 13 Reasons Why is trying to say that the solution to high school problems is to talk to your parents. I actually don’t believe that.
I think that the solution to a toxic high school experience is to get out of that high school.
No amount of talking is going to make that toxic high school less toxic. It may help you to navigate it better, but the truth is that some social environments become so toxic that you can’t remain in them and keep your mental state intact. You just can’t. And that’s what we parents need to understand.
Not all high schools are toxic environments. Some of us had great experiences in high school. But a lot of high schools do become toxic environments, and if that’s the case for your teenager, the answer is not just to talk to them. The answer, I think, is to get them out.
We tell people in emotional and physically abusive marriages to get out. We tell parents to leave an abusive spouse for the sake of the kids. But if you think about it, as a teenager, you spend more time awake in your high school than you do with your parents. So if that teen would be better off away from an emotionally or physically abusive parent, then wouldn’t they be better off away from a physically or emotionally abusive high school?
The problem with high school is that there is no “out.” If you’re being bullied, there is no real way to escape that social peer group.
I was talking to my daughter Rebecca about this, and she reminded me of the helplessness/hopelessness theory of depression (she was a psych major). Basically, it goes like this: you learn that you’re helpless. Then you feel that it’s hopeless. And that’s when depression starts.
They tested this theory in a rather disturbing experiment with dogs that no ethics department would ever green light today. Experimenters zapped the floor where the dogs were corralled with electrical shocks at random intervals. At first the dogs started running around and trying to keep as little time as possible with their feet on the floor. Eventually they realized there was nothing they could do, and then they just lay down and took it. Even after the experimenters stopped shocking the dogs, the dogs never fully recovered. They were tremendously psychologically damaged.
I think high school can do this to some kids. That’s why 13 Reasons Why is so popular–people intrinsically know what it feels like to be bullied and to feel as if there’s no way out. But it’s also a reason why 13 Reasons Why doesn’t work, because their ultimate solution isn’t a solution. It’s not viable. Parents can’t fix it. Parents and kids inhabit two different worlds. No matter how much a parent talks to a kid, they cannot fix that the child’s world if the school has become a toxic environment.
Think about it this way: as an adult, we never put up with such a terrible social environment.
If your workplace were that toxic, you’d leave. If your church were that toxic, you’d find a new church. Adults can leave. But kids are stuck. And we seem to think that it’s their problem, and the schools should fix it.
But what if school is the problem?
You put all these kids who are hormonal all at the same time at the same stage in a class together and you expect everything to be fine. Now, many times it is. Maybe even most times it is. But sometimes it isn’t. And when it isn’t, there’s no escape that those kids can manage on their own. I think that’s why kids get into drugs and partying so deeply. They don’t know what else to do.
So here’s the solution that 13 Reasons Why should have promoted: You are a parent. If your child is in a bad situation, then give your child an alternative.
It’s okay for it to be a weird alternative.
You can switch schools. You can homeschool. You can do online school (many school boards offer credits online). You can take the GED and then do apprenticeships. At 16, you can take online classes in university (that’s what we did with our kids through Athabasca University. Then they transferred those credits to the University of Ottawa later).
Or you can help them get super involved in something outside of school so that school doesn’t matter as much. I worked about 16 hours a week when I was in high school and loved it. My jobs became my life. They made me not care about high school. I went through the motions, I walked home for lunch so I never had to eat in the cafeteria, and I was considered popular, because I didn’t care one whit.
So, yes, it’s important that teenagers talk to their parents. That’s a good message for teens to hear. But the bigger message that this sends us, I think, is that sometimes the world we ask our kids to live in is absolutely unliveable. No amount of talking can fix that.
What do you think? Would you ever choose an alternative for high school? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
So far, high school in this house has *only* been alternative. Oldest has one exam left and he’s finished – he’s done online courses, some “independent electives” and is accepted in a local Bible college for the fall.
Second child has done online courses so far, and just signed up for the local high school to do her grade 12 year. It will be a good transition to classroom learning, before she goes out of town the following year. We hope. If it all goes south, she’ll come home again – but that’s unlikely, since she already has a good group of friends there.
Athabasca University…. just might be the answer for kid #3, who is way ahead of the pack in a few areas and will need more challenge than I can give him. Thank you!
I think the choices for “alternative” ways of doing high school are really going to explode in the next decade. There are already so many. Here in Ontario, kids can take their entire high school online, and get honest to goodness Ontario credits, same as if they graduated from a physical high school (my kids did math and science this way). And the nice thing is that your age doesn’t really matter. They did grade 9 math when they were only in grade 7. I just told them they were ready.
Athabasca University is an “open” university in that there are no entrance requirements except that you are 16. That’s it. And you can start your courses any time, and do them at your own pace, with the only exception being that you have to complete them within a certain number of months. But assignments are all on your own schedule. So a 16-year-old can take first year economics, english, etc. And all universities accept it as transfer credits. Both my girls even got entrance scholarships based on their Athabasca marks.
Oh, and one other thing–both girls will tell you that physical classes in the University of Ottawa were WAY easier than Athabasca. It’s not that Athabasca is a joke. It’s honestly not. It’s hard work. But it’s a good alternative. If you have a really smart 16-year-old, you can pull them out of high school and just put them straight into university, and they can do two courses at a time for the next two years, get one year under their belt, and then go to a physical university if they want.
There are lots of places like Athabasca, so that’s not the only one. But my point is just that there are so many options right now, and parents need to feel empowered that they can do the best for their kids. You really don’t have to put up with this crap (excuse my language) in your local high school, if your child is being bullied. You don’t.
Oh, the other nice thing about high school online? My girls worked 25 hours a week as a lifeguard when they were 16/17/18. They had an amazing time at the YMCA. My oldest taught Aquafit to a bunch of senior citizens, and the senior citizens LOVED her. My youngest guarded for senior citizens, and some even took her out to celebrate when she was ready to go to university. They just got to know people of all different generations and truly thrived. So it was a great experience.
My older two are earning Ontario credits.
The challenge with a lot of the places are that they’ve changed the rules in the last few years – now you *have* to be “old enough for grade 9” before they will let you take anything. Once you’re old enough? no problem, take any grade level. I’m not sure why, but it’s causing a lot of annoyance to the local home school community!
Yeah, that is a pain. I hadn’t heard about that. My kids took grade 9 French and Science when they were in grade 8 as well. I mean, I skipped a grade in actual school so I was a year younger, so why couldn’t a parent just tell the school board “my kid skipped a grade”? Really silly.
In America, some school districts are doing this kind of thing as well. “Online public school.” I like this because it basically makes online homeschooling free for families that may want to do it and are okay with the state curriculum (which we are). I taught public school for seven years and, while there are a lot of kids that do well with a cooperative learning model, I am always open to alternatives for education because I have a good perspective on just how diverse learners are.
While signing up my three teenagers for high school in a new town, we witnessed a student being jumped and kicked by four other students 15 feet from where we were sitting. They asked me to homeschool them. Listening to your childs concerns is good. Coming up with viable solutions to their concerns is better.
Amen! (And wow, what a terrible thing. I’m glad your kids were smart).
Yes! This! But not just for high school.
The K-8 charter school that worked so well for our oldest two and allowed them to thrive, became toxic for our youngest beginning in 4th grade due to to bullying by former friends, and because the school was so small, there was no way to get away from it, no matter what she tried – mediated conversations, looking for a new friend group, etc. There were no good options. We allowed her to keep trying for over a year before we finally decided to encourage her to make the choice to switch to a different school, along with having her see a therapist to help process some of the lies she had started to believe about herself..
The difference in this girl is astounding. She has found her niche, is well-liked by her peers and teachers, and has been repeatedly complimented on her compassion and bravery in standing up for others.
For a while I second guessed myself about overreacting. Now I’m so grateful for the change, and that she has
come out stronger, and knowing her own value.
So glad you took the initiative, Karen! We have a friend who experienced the same thing, in an expensive, exclusive private school. She had to remove her daughter from that and try something else. It wasn’t even traditional bullying. It was just plain meanness, that was very psychologically difficult. I think a good question for parents to ask is this: “If I were facing the same thing my child is currently facing in a work environment, would I look for a different job?” If the answer is yes, then get your child out of there. If you would do it for yourself, then you’re not overreacting to do it for your child.
Speaking from my husbands experience here…. he was put into private school in grade 7 and was in the same school with the same kids through high school. The bullying started day 1. He was so incredibly screwed up by it. Got into all kinds of dodgy drugs and alcohol situations. His parents did nothing. At all. It is something that makes me seriously doubt their parenting skills and makes me SO angry on his behalf (at them). Though we have worked through a lot of it and he is much better adjusted now… I can attest to the best thing being pulling your kid from the school. I would do it in a heartbeat. I wish all the options had been available when I was a teen. I would have been better off.
If the environment is toxic be the adult. Make the decision and pull them from the school. Find an alternative.
AMEN! And I’m sorry about your husband’s situation. So sorry.
My son has been the victim of bullying. IN 4th GRADE!! He wasn’t the only boy this child bullied in their class. There were several. Each time we brought it to the principal’s attention. This bully was a known ‘problem child’ and got a LOT of in-school suspensions for his behavior. That family moved into our town from Cleveland Ohio because their father was incarcerated in our local state prison. Apparently the mother had a problem with drugs and the following school year, she died from a heroin overdose and the children were placed in foster care. Well…guess who came back to our school district this year?? Yep, that same boy. He’s left my son alone and my son says the experience of losing his mother has changed him for the better.
After the final episode of this boy bullying my son, we had him pulled from that classroom and placed into a different classroom for the remainder of the year. When that happened, this boy ramped up his bullying on another boy and it got to the point where his parents pulled him out of that class and placed him in another class about two weeks later.
While I agree that kids should be moved out of a school that’s toxic, what if doing so isn’t an option? I mean, I supposed if my child were absolutely miserable, I’d pull him out but in some cases it might not be an option for some families.
Where I live, if I chose, I could enroll my son in another district within our same county and not have to pay tuition but we would be responsible for transporting him to and from that school every day. Private school would not be an option either because there is 1 private high school in our county and it’s about 24 miles one way from our home. I know I could not homeschool my son because I work full-time as does my husband and I’m enrolled in graduate school. Yes, cyber school is an option but again, with no one home to monitor his schooling, I don’t think he’d be motivated enough to be successful in such a program.
In today’s age of social media, these kids take to Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat to harass their victims. Not being in the same building with the bullies is likely not going to stop them from their attacks. Maybe it would, but maybe not. My son starts high school in the fall. He has a good group of friends with whom he hangs out. He just went to one boy’s birthday party that sat at his lunch table all school year.
It’s good to know who your kids are hanging out with and monitoring their social media accounts. My son has Instagram and SnapChat. I started his Insta acct so I could monitor his friends posts and steer him away from kids who I felt would not be a good influence on him.
Good for you for keeping your eye on his social media! That’s so important.
And, yes, it’s true that everyone has social media, and removing your child from the school doesn’t end that. But I think what it does do is give the child some perspective. They know that these kids are not the only people in the world, and that this peer group is ultimately not all that important. And you can get them to meet people in other ways that are healthier.
I’m sorry there aren’t more options in your community. Honestly, this is why we need more school choice, so that there are genuine alternatives. I know there are some schools in Toronto where kids do school online, but they all attend this one building together for social outlook and gym, etc. But then they work at their own pace, and the teachers are more tutors. There are also special charters in some places, I know, for kids with ADD or with other issues. I think the more we stop the “one size fits all” approach the better.
And I also think that it’s easier to homeschool for high school, when kids don’t need quite the same supervision. They could work part-time during the day somewhere, and be home and do schoolwork more when a parent is home.
But that’s great that you got your son out of that classroom. It sounds like that was the best thing for him!
My son is active in 3 sports. Football, basketball and baseball. He’s had three baseball games this week and a 4th tomorrow morning. Playing in 2 leagues at the moment. One is the local Little League team and the other league is a school sponsored one comprised of high school students, of which he’ll be one in the fall.
Then at the end of July, football 2-a-days, start…practice from 8am till 3pm. He’s already been going to pre-conditioning workouts, lifting weights and agility drills. Once football is over, he’ll go right into basketball season, with practices everyday after school. Then back to baseball. There won’t be time for a part-time job.
He also has to serve 25 hours of community service in order to graduate high school. The more the better though because those kids who do 100 or more hours in 4 years, get a special cord to wear at graduation.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I have long been preaching this same thing. I have often advised parents to take their kids out of regular school if they see their child is ‘going under’, as I call it. I have always believed that making a child feel trapped in a weird little sub-culture that has nothing to do with the real world is why young people are in such despair today. Why do we do this? Because it’s what everyone else is doing with their kids? Show them there is a world outside the high-school halls. Let them breath again.
We have discussed this with my two junior-high-aged daughters. One of them has a very toxic class, the other absolutely loves hers. The one with the terrible group of peers is currently still in school, but we monitor her VERY closely. She is super involved in her youth group, with lots of friends in different grades, and pretty much just gets through her time in class like you did, also coming home for lunch, etc. We have made it clear to her that she is not now nor will she EVER be stuck there. If she needs out, I have gone over the different ways she can still get her education. It’s interesting, giving her the option to get out seemed to be all she needed to decide she could stick it out for now. She suddenly felt free, and could look at things from a better perspective. She is actually doing very well emotionally now, because she knows she’s not stuck. I don’t know if she will stay in the public school until she graduates, or if she will decide to pursue another avenue, but I agree with you 100%, no human should ever be stuck, especially when the only reason is “it’s just what’s done”. Why can’t we do things differently for the sake of their mental health?
It’s encouraging to hear this from someone else. Most people think my solution sounds too radical. Lol.
Hi Jaime! Good for you. And I totally agree with this sentence: “I have always believed that making a child feel trapped in a weird little sub-culture that has nothing to do with the real world is why young people are in such despair today. ” YEP YEP YEP YEP YEP.
As for your daughter feeling like she can stick it out now–I think that’s a really interesting observation, and very true about human behaviour. When we feel like we’re trapped, we can’t handle it. But when we realize that we are actually making a choice to stay, then it does make it more bearable, and we often think, “yes, I can do this.” It’s that freedom to know that it is a choice. Let’s give our kids that choice!
(We got this comment on an image page instead of the post, and wanted to share it here so others can see it, too!)
Cara says:
Awesome!!! We already homeschool and always have (I doubt my kids even realize the toxicity I’ve helped them avoid!!) but I love this. And your analogies were SPOT ON.
Kids need to not just talk to parents and have parents nod and be sympathetic. They need to see we will move heaven and earth to protect them. Even from themselves at times.
I’m so grateful I’m able to homeschool my kids-even on the days I want to run screaming.
I’m thankful they get more sleep than their peers in public school. They get more downtime and less pressure. More time to be kids.
P.s. my oldest 2 have worked a LOT and purchased their own cars.
Interesting timing on this. Our oldest has decided to return to homeschooling for her last year of high school after 4 years in the local catholic school. She will be joining her younger sister at an Ontario online high school. The biggest reason is the interpersonal drama that happens. When the between class stuff makes the class learning impossible, it is time for a change.
When parents complain to me about school, I like to point out all the options available to them. Maybe the best choice is to stick it out and help your child with their problems. Maybe thebest choice is to movethem. Maybe the best choice is to remove them. The point is, there are choices.
Exactly! Sounds like our kids did the same online high school.
My high school was a very important resource for me as the oldest child of a single mom with four children. If my children were connected to the resources, mentors and opportunities that God blessed me with in public high school in America, then I would not choose anything else. We have moved to another part of the country where the secondary schools are not as strong which has made us consider other options and are open to choosing them. I am hesitant about homeschooling because I remember homeschool kids at my church growing up showing very little compassion, perspective or kindness to children who weren’t homeschooled. Unfortunately that attitude is pretty prevalent where we now live, and I’m afraid it will be a bad influence on my children. There is a pack of insidious sins that Satan often successfully tempts some (ok, a significant portion of) homeschoolers with. I don’t want those attitudes to be a large part of my children’s lives—especially being presented as an ideal Christian environment—until they have had a solid foundation of experiences with children who are not white, financially stable Christians in intact families. A strongly rated elementary school is a fairly safe environment for children of involved parents to build an accurate picture of what public school kids are really like. Outside of that it’s easy to get sucked into a culture of negativity, lies, myths and rumors that support some pretty large heads. I had very little trouble with mean girls in public school. They were at church, and they were homeschooled. You are an open and inclusive source of Christian advice, and even in this article it is clear that you are not that type of homeschool mom. I believe it to be a legitimate option for some families and was even homeschooled for two years myself. This year I am getting so tired of mean homeschoolers who can’t even see how unkind they appear to those outside of their subculture. I will never, ever be in a position to be able to look down my nose at, spread lies about, openly criticize or compare myself to people who public school. Can’t do it because it is deeply hurtful to other Christians with fewer opportunities. Sorry—I know this wasn’t the real topic of your article. Maybe write on how not to raise a homeschool mean girl or not be a homeschool mean mom?
I’ll add—my mother became a single mom when my father committed suicide when I was 12. I haven’t read all of the comments on here, but the couple that I did read contained some homeschool gloating so I stopped.
Oh, Joy, I’m sorry that’s the picture of homeschooling you have! But honestly–I can relate. Rebecca told some stories of some of what we experienced in our homeschooling group in her book Why I Didn’t Rebel. The big thing for us was getting our kids involved in other things–part-time jobs, lots of activities, lots of groups. So that homeschooling wasn’t really their community. The COMMUNITY was their community.
I think the problem we run into is when we think that our way is the only right way to raise kids, and then we start judging those who choose a different path. That’s definitely where pride creeps in (or maybe leaps in!)
Wow, can I relate! I was bullied in high school but I felt that I could not talk with my parents because they were struggling with a combination of depression and the anxiety of taking over and running the farm. I mentioned it a couple of times to them but they had a hard time with the fact that a Christian school bullied. I did not mention it again and suffered through it. There are times occasionally when I get a feeling from how I felt then, and it is a panic kind of feel. It is usually when I feel left out of something. Thankfully none of our five children have suffered a toxic bully situation. My husband and I looked carefully at the atmosphere where we have sent our kids to school.
I wanted to add that kids may not realize that the negative things they experience at school are not okay. It may just seem like part of life. Looking back, I can definitely see that I was bullied in school, but I definitely didn’t realize it at the time. I didn’t have a very clear idea of how kids should be behaving and so it just seemed like “normal” school.
I experienced this too, Cara. Sometimes people even told me specifically that it was just “normal” and to “get used to it,” so I told that to myself too. Unfortunately some of that included mild to moderate sexual harassment (nothing serious, but definitely unwanted and inappropriate). Every once in a while I’ll remember an event that happened in my teen years and think, “oh my goodness! That wasn’t just ‘normal’ teen awkwardness… that was completely inappropriate of __________ to do and my discomfort was justified – I wasn’t the one in the wrong, they were!” And, just because it came from an older male at a church youth event doesn’t mean it was okay either. I wish I could go back and tell my teen self that, but I don’t think that teen me would have taken advice from adult me anyways…
It’s also hard these days because really, we can’t let ourselves be traumatized by each minor incident like that or we’d all be in the psych ward. It’s too pervasive. Things like that happen on a very regular basis in many school and work environments. Sometimes it’s considered par for the course. So, you feel like it’s easier to just suck it up and pretend it’s not a problem, because admitting it’s not okay means you have to let your guard down and admit that it hurts, that you’re vulnerable, that someone has exercised power over you. Numbing yourself feels easier.
I hope that the media attention being put on these issues will cause some real and lasting change in our culture. Our children need it.
I wanted to discuss the point you make about kids in 13 Reasons Why still not talking to their parents, even though the parents did everything right. I took a youth ministry class last semester, and we read Chap Clark’s study Hurt 2.0. He asserts that our youth today actually suffer deeply from abandonment and loneliness, and that they often retreat to the “secret world” of their peer relationships. Oftentimes, youth feel abandoned by adults in their lives, in some way or another. I wanted to recommend the book as it might give insight into why the characters of the show weren’t talking to the adults in their lives.
I love this so much! High school was absolutely miserable for me. My freshman year I got pneumonia and was out for a few weeks. Those were happy weeks compared to school and when I was better I cried and tried to refuse to go back. My parents let me do online school (it was a brand new thing then) to finish out the year. I loved working at my own pace and was way ahead… then they sent me back to “real” school. Sophomore year was just as miserable. So for my junior year they let me try out an accelerated high school through a local college. I completed all my required credits for high school about half way through junior year and walked in graduation in the spring. I was my happiest and way less anxious during my alternative school days. I would say I wish I had never had to go back to normal school for my sophomore year but that did lead to me meeting my now husband so it was worth it. We now have 3 young daughters and have talked about how school may look different for each of them, and that’s okay!
Ha … “becomes toxic” implies that it didn’t start off toxic… I’m sure there are some people out there who didn’t feel like high school was toxic but I can’t think of many. Teenage years are turbulent enough without compressing hundreds or thousands of teens together in one building 5 days a week 10 months a year with minimal adult guidance. (35:1 classroom ratios – how can you know your students well enough to understand their unique needs and detect social drama before it’s gone too far?) I can’t see these problems improving in private or religious school environments. It’s just the nature of mass schooling teenagers.
On the other hand, teens definitely need the space to learn how to hold their own and manage unhealthy social circumstances. High school can be a stepping stone for that. The problem is when it gets too out of hand. I like your point that adults usually have the option of leaving instead of being “stuck”. I quit my job when the environment became toxic and found a new one.
I’m planning on homeschooling my child(ren) once they are elementary aged but I’m undecided about high school for this reason. I want to give them the opportunity to develop independence and problem solving, but the high school environment is just so intense. There are so many benefits of homeschooling/online schooling as you mentioned, and more.
As a side note, the fact that your girls had multiple social spheres is an important factor for coping and resilience. If all you have is one identity/community/purpose in life etc, and something goes wrong there (death of loved one, social drama, job loss, etc), you feel like your whole world/identity is collapsing, and you have no one to fall back on for support and nowhere else to stake your identity. You feel that you lose yourself. this is especially important to remember for those that choose homeschooling for their children … and for SAHMs, too!
Great thoughts, Lynn!
I think what makes it even worse today is that because of social media, the bullying can follow a youngster everywhere. They must feel like they can’t escape at all. I was bullied on and off at school from age 11 to 16. It was low level bullying by spiteful girls. I often felt I couldn’t complain because the individual incidents seemed insignificant but it was the constant ‘drip effect’ that wore me down. My escape was home and church, it helped me get through and when I changed schools at 16, I was so much happier. I did talk to my parents but I wouldn’t let them go to school and complain because I believed the bullying would then get worse. I totally agree with removing children from toxic environments, the scars can last well into adulthood and hinder their confidence in social situations as well as getting in the way of their education.
So true about not being able to complain about individual incidents. Sometimes I feel like they are trickier because it doesn’t feel severe enough to report, you can feel “weak” for complaining about something so “small”, but I think that sometimes the low grade long term can wear you down worse, affect you for longer and be harder to forgive and let go of than a singular, dramatic incident. Looking back I feel like those long term situations have shaped me as a person far more.
I’m glad that you were got support from your parents and were able to leave.
Yes, absolutely. When it’s low-grade things, it’s hard to get anyone to take you seriously. But it does wear you down. Sometimes you have to admit when it’s just not worth sticking it out!
I didn’t read all the comments, so someone else may have already brought this up, but if you go to a boarding high school, it’s a thousand times worse, because you can’t get away at all. And a lot of times, bullying is a lot more subtle than it looks on tv. Parent’s want a concrete answer to “What did they say/do?” and a lot of times, in the telling, it doesn’t seem as bad, because kids are really good a threatening and bullying others in ways that seem benign (actually, I’ve seen adults do this too, adult bullies, and it makes them really hard to fight.) It can be derision, a tone, or an insult teachers/parents don’t get. It can take a lot of different shapes. And if you’re boarding, it’s constant; you live with those people with rather minimal adult presence. And sometimes, talking to an adult can actually make it worse.
When I was in HS, I endured both bullying and sexual harassment on a regular basis, though it wasn’t such a talked-about topic when I was in high school, so I didn’t have the right labels to understand and express what was happening. I was close to my mom and talked to her a lot, but instead of recognizing the toxic environment, I got labeled with a ‘persecution complex’. They had zero idea what was actually happening, beyond what I relayed, but they decided it couldn’t possibly be that bad, ergo, i must be exaggerating/imagining.
So parents need to not just talk, but LISTEN. And if kids says it’s bad, take them out, it’s seriously does do SO MUCH DAMAGE to encourage them to just tough it out, especially by saying it’s good practice for adult life. Please, parents, believe your kids. Half the time, you don’t even know the half of it, and if the half you know is bad…take advantage of the opportunities modern society offers and protect your kids.
YES, Sarah. This is so true. Bullying isn’t always overt, and the constant but subtle or easily missed bullying is just as damaging as overt name-calling. Kids need to know that they aren’t helpless.
Oh, I totally agree. I went to a boarding school for grade 9 (my choice) but hated it, and left after one year. Girls are just so catty.
I’m sorry you went through all that!
I have a daughter who loves the boys in 9th grade. Consequently she likes going to school. I’m not happy with this sudden change. She knows the rules and I’ve tried to move her to another school, an all girl school but she refuses. I’m to end of my ropes with her and am considering pulling her out of school completely to homeschool her at home. My fear is she won’t respond well. Any suggestion would be helpful.
Marla, it’s quite common to be a little boy crazy in grade 9! What is your concern, exactly? Is she dating a bunch of them, or hooking up at all? Or is it just a bunch of crushes?