I spent a lot of time on this blog helping couples figure out how to better communicate about sex and how to make sex great!
But what if the issue isn’t actually a couple issue? What if there isn’t much the husband can do to improve your sex life?
I know that sounds like I’m blaming women, but let me tell a story first and then I have a reader question I’d like to answer. I think I’m going to spend this week talking a bit about libido, and I want to start with this.
Last month I spoke in Toronto about how some of the messages that the church gives about sex inadvertently can seriously mess up couples’ sex lives. I looked at how the “Every Man’s Battle” idea, combined with the purity culture, can make women ashamed of sex and give women no libidos. If you grow up feeling like all men are lusting after you, and then you get married and you’re told that if you don’t have sex often enough, your husband will watch porn or cheat on you, sex feels really degrading and disgusting. That’s not a great message to give to women if we want women to enjoy sex!
A man piped up and said, “We also need to teach husbands how to really woo their wives, in every way.” I love his heart. I really do. And I totally agree with him. EXCEPT—
Except. And there is an except. And here’s what I said to him:
Sometimes a guy can do absolutely everything right, and a wife still won’t respond, because the problem is that she has no libido and she simply doesn’t understand her own sexuality. And while he can be wonderful and try to bring that out in her, ultimately it’s a realization she has to make herself.
I know there are so many men who read this blog who are likely super frustrated, because they feel like they do woo their wives, and it makes absolutely no difference in the bedroom. And that’s what I want to deal with today. One man wrote in and asked me this question:
An area that my wife and struggle with is actually discussing intimacy. For fear of going down the too far down the rabbit hole, were married just shy of 25 years, we’ve been in relationship with Christ for ~17 years, I am the high drive spouse, but through resources like yours I’ve recalibrated my perspective on sex and intimacy and ours has become even more enriching (I call it a communion). Nonetheless, she refuses to talk about our intimate life…at all. Whenever I bring it up I’m immediate shut down with, “Why do you have to talk about it.” I’m curious if you’ve met other couples facing issues similar to this and have addressed it in your blog. If you can point me in the direction of applicable posts, I’d appreciate it.
Look, I know a lot of men who are very dismissive of their wives, and expect their wives to meet their sexual needs, without any attention to whether or not the wife feels good.
And so it’s no wonder that she has a low libido! It’s always important, then, to ask, “if my spouse doesn’t want sex, could I be partly the reason?” Let’s examine ourselves, absolutely.
But I also know a lot of men who are honestly trying to woo their wives, and their wives come up with every excuse in the book about why it isn’t enough.
One minute it may be because he’s not home enough and she’s lonely. Then he asks her to make love anyway, and she interprets this as reinforcing the idea that he only wants her for one thing.
In fact, pretty much everything he does she can read through this lens. He tries to kiss her and be more affectionate–it must be because he wants sex. See? That proves he’s an animal!
He tries to help around the house–same thing.
And so he’s stuck. No matter what he does, he’s berated for it.
I am not talking about everyday disagreements in marriage, so please don’t misunderstand me.
It’s just that I believe there are a large number of marriages where she truly doesn’t want sex, and she justifies it by coming up with new reasons to be upset at him.
She transfers the responsibility for her reluctance to be intimate onto HIM.
I know if you’re reading this blog you likely do want to improve your sex life, and I’m glad you’re here. And so perhaps I’m preaching to the choir here. But I’d just like to ask women today: are you looking for excuses to not have sex? Are you trying to avoid sex, and the easiest way to do that is to come up with new reasons to be upset at your husband?
There are lots of reasons why a woman may want to avoid sex.
It may not feel very good, and she may wonder what all the fuss is about, and she may really feel weirded out by the whole thing. It’s distasteful, it’s awkward, and life would be better if it didn’t exist. If that’s you, please read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
She may have sexual abuse in her past, and her ability to see sex as a good thing may be severely hampered. If that’s you, please read this on getting over sexual abuse.
She may be very reluctant to be out of control. People who aren’t able to be vulnerable, and who need to feel in control at all times, often run away from sex. If you’re a control freak, please read this on how control freaks and sex don’t go together.
She may be still recovering from negative messages from the purity culture that have made her ashamed of sex.
She may not understand how libido works in women, and not realize that you need to tell yourself positive messages about sex and you need to take control of your libido. If that’s you, please take a look at my Boost Your Libido course!
Of course, there may be other issues related to him, like porn use, selfishness, lack of affection–all of those things. But today I just want to ask all of us to be honest. Are you the reason that your sex life isn’t good? Is it really all his fault–or have you been pushing him away?
And if you’re the one pushing him away–is that really what you want?
Is that the kind of marriage you really want–where you feel always distant, when you’re always on edge because you have to make sure he never expects anything, when you have to maintain this distance so that he doesn’t put any demands on you? Do you want to live like that long term?
Here’s a more lighthearted version of that question that may be easier to hear:
Please don’t try this at home!
It’s so much better to confront your insecurities and boost your libido! And decide to live your marriage differently.
So let me know in the comments–have you seen this dynamic? Where he’s trying everything he can, but she keeps coming up with reasons why it’s not enough? What message would get through to a woman like this? Let’s talk, because I think there are a lot of us like this!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila,
Thank you so much for writing this article. We live in a church culture now that holding women ultimately accountable for their responsibilities is considered harsh and unloving. There is nothing men can do to change this, so resources like yours are invaluable in helping people live out the marriages that God intends.
Thanks!
Sheila—
Many thanks for this great post and addressing this topic, which is as much about communication as it is libido. Having read your post, here’s an issue—how does a husband who is connected with his wife on so many other levels and is working to (continue to) woo her guide her to resources like “The Good Girl’s Guide” without triggering the reaction you describe where she goes, “Hup! See? I knew it—that’s all he wants…sex”?
Honestly, Greg, I don’t know if there is a way. But I would say this: If that is her reaction, then I would insist on going to counselling or getting a mentor couple. I would insist on seeing someone, because it isn’t healthy. Maybe there are things that she is genuinely upset about that are keeping her from being able to be intimate, but then it’s good for those things to come out in counselling. And if those things aren’t there–if she is just averse to sex, then that does need to be dealt with. You can’t really prevent a reaction like that, but I think if you frame it in “I want us to have the best that God has for us, and that includes an intimate marriage in every way, and I’m afraid that we’re missing out on that. I want you to feel intimate with me, and I want to feel intimate with you, and I know we’re not doing that right now.” And if she doesn’t respond well to that–well, that’s a legitimate issue that does need to be addressed!
My first response: Slow clapping. My second response: If I hear the word “woo” one more time i am going to have a stroke. Its like a currency. If you “woo” her then you may get sex. Does she ever “woo” me? I don’t know because i am not sure that i know what “woo” even means. And as your article points out, a husband can “woo” and still have no success; either at sex or the “woo”ing. Woo-hoo!
It simply means that you continue to pursue one another. You know, the way you do when you want to date someone and then also when you are dating. Genuinely being interested in the other person, doing nice things for them, treating them with kindness and respect, and putting your best self forward for that person. For example: I like to occasionally surprise my husband with cookies or a pie, give him back massages, make an effort to look nice for him, make his favorite meals, take an interest in what he is interested in and his hobbies and make sure he knows that I appreciate him and what he does for our family. And on the slightly less exciting side, I try to do the bulk of the housework since I stay home with the kids while he works outside the home.
Yes, of course a woman should “woo” her man as well. There is no excuse for a man or woman to get lazy once a relationship is cemented by time and/or marriage. I “woo” my husband and he “woos” me too. You could call it being flirtatious as well.
What Sheila is pointing out is the fact that “wooing”, pursuing, flirting (or whatever you want to call it) are necessary in order to have a fulfilling and meaningful sex life. If you aren’t treating the person you are having sex with like they are something special, then the sex isn’t going to be anything special either.
And as for the men or women out there who do everything right and are still met with indifference from their spouse, then the problem isn’t with the process of “wooing”. And just to reiterate what wooing means, it simply means that you treat the other person like they are someone special and they are worthy of special favors and attention. The problem lies with the indifferent spouse. And what I have always wondered and still continue to wonder is how in the world so many STINKERS and DUDS are ending up married to people who seemingly want a loving meaningful relationship. What is happening, or rather what ISN’T happening during the dating process that causes this to happen?
And just to answer my own question, I think there are several reasons why this happens. People focus too much on looks rather than personality when looking for a potential person to date. Dating couples jump into the physical side of the relationship WAY TOO EARLY (as in stuff that shouldn’t even happen until marriage) and physical activities take the place of talking and actually getting to know the other person really well. People (probaby mainly women) assume that having sex with each other (while they are dating) equals bonding and having a loving relationship. Sex is supposed to be the culmination and expression of a bond. Sex isn’t the bond and sex isn’t love. And as a result of all of this, people just don’t know the person they end up marrying as well as they should. Yes, there will always be some surprises and new things to learn about the person you marry. But you should at the very least know that you are marrying a person who is emotionally invested in and dedicated to you and the relationship.
Samantha,
I find myself asking a similar question. I think for some people who do want a meaningful marriage but end up with someone who doesn’t, they have projected their desires onto the other person. They can’t comprehend at the beginning that the other person doesn’t want what they want. Even in dating when there are huge red flags they choose to believe marriage will fix everything. They really want to be settled and happy and when the opportunity appears they grab at it without checking if it is genuine. I have watched it happen, like a slow-motion car crash you are powerless to stop. Horrible as an onlooker, even worse for the person who wakes up to the reality too late from the inside.
Esther, that is a very good point! That is probably what happens a lot of the time. And I’d like to add that some people probably end up settling because they honestly don’t think they can get anyone else. I remember an episode of the Golden Girls where Blanche’s daughter gets engaged to a total jerk because she is overweight and doesn’t think she will he able to find anyone else that wants to marry her. I really wish we lived in a less shallow world. It breaks my heart to think that there are some really amazing people out there who never get a chance because people are always looking past them to try to catch the eye of the person with worldly “good looks”.
Ya, my wife does none of those things.
Well then I truly feel sorry for you, Chris. But that is what “wooing is”. And it’s the way things are supposed to be. Obviously it won’t look the same for every couple because everybody is different, but in a nutshell it is just doing things to show you love the other person and that they are worthy of such special attention. Do you do special things for her?
I try to, but she is not appreciative of effort, just results, which can make it difficult to stay motivated. She is also a tad heavy on the sarcasm, which is slowly grinding me down.
@Chris—
That is tough and I’m certain dispiriting. Are there opportunities for you to express to her how you feel, and how the dynamics make you feel? I resources that opened my eyes and offered practical, applicable guidance to qualifying and, then, expressing my feelings from a place of love is Milan & Kay Yerkovich’s HOW WE LOVE book.
Greg,
How did that work out with your wife? Leading her towards the direction(s) espoused by the book “How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage”?
Did that also lead to the “Yep.. he’s just another MALE animal, only interested in one thing. Sex. That’s it. See. What did I tell you? Men? They’re all the same. Only ONE thing on their minds – or at least on HIS!”???
Even if she never came near the book, how did she receive the message (which I presume that you attempted to get across)?
Also, am I the only one who has noticed the dearth of Comments and that there have especially not been that many Comments from the female population?
This clearly is a REAL problem – likely the MOST real problem at the root of sexless (or under-sexed) marriages.
Just what is the reader population?
To get this number of few reviews is…
Sad.
@Leroy—
Thanks for the questions.
We did HOW WE LOVE as a study in my small group at church. I think it was easier for her to accept as it was a group decision among a bunch of couples who wanted to return focus to our marriages now that empty nest-hood is approaching; it prevented a defense reaction had I come to her with it directly. And it didn’t outwardly trigger a knee-jerk see?-another-book-about-sex reaction (though, funny, even the authors acknowledge in the book itself that some women will react to it in that way).
I think we both found the book and the study eye-opening, and I found it particularly informative and practical. It gave me great tools to be able to define and qualify my feelings and insight to voice feelings in a way that’s not confrontational and comes from love. It also opened my eyes to a lot of artifacts from growing up and my relationships with my parents that I had carried into my marriage and needed to make sense of.
For me, incorporating and applying the lessons of the book is an ongoing process, but there’s a profound reblossoming that I’m experiencing in my marriage; some of that is indeed sexual, but it goes far beyond that, yet it also flows back into our intimacy. I attribute much of this change to conscious changes and recalibrations I’ve made and continue to make in my approach to my marriage, to my wife and to my family.
I have tried three times now to provide a response that explains how this approach of yours simply will not work in our situation.
Each time it gets rejected for being too long.
Unfortunately, some important things (dare I say “most”) cannot be explained in “400 words or less”.
And our situation is one of those.
Therapy and counseling both have been tried (my therapy for years and years, hers for a few months). Four counseling sessions. Three of which she walked out of – each time more quickly than the last. The 4th session? Simply didn’t show up.
Does not read (I literally have multiple boxes of marriage advice books – none of which she has read thru completely, maybe 4 of which she read thru partially – plus online marriage counseling courses – which I ended up doing solo as too much bother for her).
And a group session of ANY type would be totally out of the question. The outward projection to most others (although the “inner family” knows what’s going on – for the most part, though not totally) is that of being the average happily married couple (if THIS is average, then we collectively are in DEEP trouble!).
I’m not very good with words, but want to chime in as someone mentioned above that not many females had commented so far!
I know I have been this woman. I have expected him to do everything perfectly… come home from work and engage with me; do something around the house (my love language is acts of service); be nice and loving to me all evening (even if I am not in return); initiate sex in the perfect, romantic way………. and if he throws in any jokes or other comments that I seem to be mildly defensive then I am immediately turned off… I want all of this yet I so often don’t make a similar amount of effort myself, to lead us to a good place of intimacy in bed.
For me, my expectations can get the better of me and if they aren’t met, I am not in the mood/interested.
Thanks for admitting that, Rachel. That does help. I know that’s a hard admission to make, but I think the fact that you made it will help other women see themselves here!
“… I think the fact that you made it will help other women see themselves here!”
If they do, few are jumping on the bandwagon by admitting it here.
@Leroy—
I’m sorry to read that your marriage is on the path that it’s currently on. But I’m glad you’re seeking and receiving guidance and insight from a professional counselor. A question, though, as it relates to a point I want to clarify.
Do you and your wife attend church together? Does it have a small group / life group / bible study group program? That’s what my wife and I are a part of. It’s not a group session or therapy; we’re five couples, all in similar phases of life, who came together via the church to build our faith and relationship with Christ, and using that foundation to learn and to build other aspects of our lives (parenting, dealing with aging parents, etc). And it’s in this setting we did the HOW WE LOVE study.
Having done the study, I started to see the profound positive changes happening between my wife and me after I started making radical changes in my thoughts, perspectives and actions. Prior, I was far more selfish, and I harbored a lot of adversarial feelings, where it was more important to be right and to win than it was to be loving and see what was best for the partnership. The phrase that Has helped me the most as asking “What can I do? How can I help?” By asking these questions, the relationship has started to become what I’ve wanted it to be.
I perceive that your relationship is in a far different state, and that pains me, and you do have my prayers that you two, with His grace, will come through the other side of it. I offer what I’ve been doing in hopes that it might insight or spark inspiration.
My husband honestly does everything right. We have three beautiful kids. And our marriage is solid in every area except sex. And I am the problem. And I hate it. Because I know it hurts my husband. And I hate hurting him. And I feel like there is no good reason for it. But I can’t seem to get around it either.
My issues stem from two places: Purity culture and I am a control freak (I went and read the linked article). I recognize that these two things are the problem. But I just don’t know how to get past them.
As far as purity culture, consistently reading TLHV and other Christian marriage blogs has definitely made a difference. I still struggle with body shame, etc. But, I’m getting better though. And I have hope for this particular issue.
But I have no idea how to stop being a perfectionistic control freak. I understand why it is damaging, why I need to work through it, but how? HOW? How do I stop being a control freak (in every area of my life). Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Oh, Jill, that’s so amazing that you can recognize this! Seriously. I’m so glad.
As for the control freak stuff, I think it may be worth talking to a counsellor about problems with vulnerability, because that’s what it comes down to.
And then I’d try to a Bible study on who Jesus actually is–I mean what His personality is, and how He loves and treats us. I think when we realize that we don’t have to be in control, because Jesus honestly loves and cares for us, it’s easier for us to yield in other areas, too. It’s hard to learn to relax, and we don’t often talk about how perfectionistic tendencies can take us far from our spouses (and from God), but they can. And it’s so important to get to the root of it!
Again, I’m so glad you’re here. Really glad.
I have attempted pudding a comment with a lot of hesitation. I am the deprived wife here. I would not say my sex drive is overdrive but i want it passionate and quality per time. Frequency doesn’t matter to me. Hubby on the other side didn’t woo me. From initiation of the act to the one minute act, i feel totally crappy. I avoid bringing up the premature ejaculation and his crappy wooing acts so as not to make him more apprehensive as i read, anxiety causes ED. I have only brought ot up once or twice in these 5 years . I am an angry and deprived wife. I am just 31. What can i do?
Emily, that’s really tough! I’d suggest something like 31 Days to Great Sex, because it focuses a lot on how to be more affectionate and incorporate more foreplay into lovemaking. You’re right, though, in that he’s likely extremely sensitive to this. Nevertheless, it would be a good idea for him to see a doctor, because there are some treatments for premature ejaculation. Nevertheless, just because he has PE does not mean that he can’t learn how to do foreplay and stretch things out a bit. I think sometimes we just have to have those awkward conversations, no matter how awkward they are, and push through. It’s the only way to ever make things better. And if you stress that you simply want both of you to feel really close, and you don’t want you guys to miss out on that, then if he takes it badly, it’s on him. It doesn’t sound like you’d be any worse off than you are now, and I do think the only way forward is to talk. So see if he’ll agree to do 31 Days to Great Sex, because it may really help!
What about when you’ve tried and tried and he literally doesn’t see “why bother to work it out”. When you were the only wooing spouse for the entire marriage (and some months before) and he openly admits you weren’t the first or best choice but the others didn’t want him. That he settled for you and you’re not that good in bed (you were a virgin before marriage, he wasn’t,) – which to be fair he now says isn’t true, but he also says he never said it and I remember every small detail of the night so I don’t know if he genuinely doesn’t remember or just doesn’t want to admit it. When he refuses to ever tell you what he wants but expects you to perform perfectly anyway.
And then you get tired and disinterested and cold and he blames you for all of it and you just don’t think he’s worth it anymore and he never thought you were? How do you recover from that? When you’ve tried and he doesn’t want intimacy and comes up with a thousand excuses why he can’t be truly threefold intimate? When sex is all about the physical for him (and almost exclusively for him)?
I used the search box. This was the closest article I could find for my question. It doesn’t answer – what do you do, when he doesn’t want intimacy and you’re too disconnected to keep trying?
Brievel, Your comment seriously broke my heart. I am so sorry for your pain and the way you have been wounded. I absolutely appplaud you for your whole-hearted attempt to carry the burden of the relationship alone. I think you’d find ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldridge and ‘Love Must Be Tough’ by Bradshaw. I recommend these two books for a couple reasons. You must ground yourself in the love of a Savior before anything else! I do not know your beliefs but you are loved by a mighty God who created you. Let Him love you completely. I take it you’re very sweet and tender hearted and it’s good for us(because I am one too) to learn that sometimes ‘tough love’ is necessary and acceptable…. and sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone. It’s more then ok to stand up when you’re being so mistreated.
Sheilas blogs on submission were great too!
I am praying for you!
He is Good, He is Kind, He is Loving
I read this article thinking maybe it could help a good friend. However, I simply have to point out that it is possible for things to be around the other way. I loved my late husband wholeheartedly, and he me. However, he simply had no energy left for me at the end of the day, even when I’d initiate. Sometimes it was the physical farmwork, other times I think it was the beers he’d have afterards. The man had two speeds, all go, or asleep… On one level it felt like unrequited love. And it’s hard not to take rejections of your advances personally. I tried lingerie, candlelit dinners, instigating, he didn’t want massages as he was super ticklish… As far as I am aware He was only ever once turned on visually by his wife undressing in front of him, despite his suggesting that I send him saucy pics to his phone, which I couldn’t do, because he told me that he’d been addicted to porn years earlier and it felt like opening pandora’s box, not to mention the potential of a privacy leak. He was still my best friend, just, it got so excruciating there, lying beside the one person who I found maximally attractive & having my advances rejected, that I learnt I had to go sleep on the couch if I was to sleep, which then upset him… & only nearly 2 years married. We were happy we waited, it was deeply valuable, but this, was both confusing & troubling.
Yes, that is so common as well, Elizabeth, unfortunately, and I’ve written a lot about what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex. It’s very, very lonely. I’m sorry you lost your husband.
Hi I have posted here before my question is this my wife suffers from post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety sexual abuse and trauma she kept it buried for first 15 years of our marriage when our second son was born going on 29 years now she finally let it out we have tried couples counseling and couples therapy to no avail I wrote her a loving note this past Valentine’s Day she responded back stating she really loves and still does love me and is sorry she doesn’t want or cannot have any kind of sexual type relationship or anything involving intimacy holding hands, hugging even casually kissing only on her cheek but she prefers no touching or physical contact she has been through EMDR group therapy invidiual therapy which she is still doing I als see my own therapist for my sanity’s sake I have spoken with my pastor and my therapist as well the only answer I seem to have which is the only thing that helps me have any hope is praying to god about this always I still love her dearly and deeply but do not know what else if anything I can do she has said she is sorry for the broken relationship and has asked me to forgive her for how things are I am really depressed and lonely hoping for some if there is any helpful advice please comment on this post