Should not having sex before you’re married be a struggle?
We talk a lot about marriage and sex on this blog, but what about sexual temptation before you’re married?
It’s Rebecca on the blog today, and I’m tackling a bit of a weird one. After reading the comments and some replies we got about the post last week: Women: Do We Understand What Rejection Does to Husbands? and I recognized a trend among some women.
Some women get married without ever having experienced real sexual attraction to their husband. Even when they were dating.
They may recognize that sex will inevitably happen when they get married, but they don’t particularly want it. And I wanted to talk about that a bit, because I think it’s very concerning.
My concern is that women haven’t been told that sex is important to them, too–not just for the guys!
And for a lot of girls, this results in them learning to complete shut off their sex drive.
In youth group, girls are told again and again that boys want sex and girls shouldn’t give it to them. Very few of these talks acknowledge that girls have sex drives, too, and that sex is just as important for wives as it is for husbands. This mentality often carries on into the pulpit as these girls grow up into adults.
So from the time they hit puberty, women are pretty much told, “You are a pure, lovely virgin. And when you get married, you’ll have to do this thing called sex for your husband. So make sure you don’t do it before, or you won’t be desirable to your future husband because you won’t be pure.” (Which, by the way, is a lie, and not what God intended the message to be.)
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So it becomes pretty easy to see how girls could get into relationships and never really want sex--we’ve been taught that it’s wrong to have a sex drive, because that’s not what girls were made for. Girls were made to be the gatekeepers of sex, not the instigators!
Once you’re married, though, that mentality just doesn’t work.
And that’s because sexual attraction is a perfectly natural and important part in a relationship. No, sex isn’t the only part of a marriage. But neither is talking, but you wouldn’t marry someone you never wanted to talk to. When girls start to internalize these messages of guilt, however, we start to see sexual attraction as a sin, so we learn to shut it down.
But really, sexual attraction is not the same thing as lust.
Lust is wrong. Lust a sin, it’s a conscious choice to ruminate on you’re intense sexual desire for someone. But the initial sexual desire isn’t wrong–that’s temptation. Lust is when we give into the temptation and start to obsess over it, seeing that person more as an object of sexual pleasure than a whole being.
Being sexually attracted to your boyfriend is not the same thing as lusting after him. You can want very much to have sex with him but decide that you’re not going to obsess over it because you don’t want to make the temptation any harder than it already is. That’s not lust.
But there should be that sexual attraction in serious relationships. That doesn’t mean you have to be with a perfect 10. Often for girl’s it isn’t about looks as much, which is why girls often find that it’s after they’ve been in a relationship for a while that sexual temptation really starts to set in. Because wanting to be with someone is the natural next step when you’ve gotten to know them and love them deeply–you’ll want to take that intimacy further.
Sexual attraction is not the same thing as lust. So let’s stop treating it that way!
So here’s what I want to tell girls who are currently in serious relationships or engaged:
It’s not wrong to be sexually attracted to your boyfriend.
Being curious about sex isn’t wrong. It isn’t sinful to wonder what an orgasm feels like if you’ve never had sex before, and it’s not wrong to wonder what sex will be like. Curiosity about sex is not the same thing as lust–same way curiosity about what it would be like to rob a bank is not the same thing as greed (maybe that’s a weird analogy, but I hope it gets the point across).
If you’re in a serious relationship with someone or engaged, it is perfectly natural to be sexually attracted to that person. And that’s not sinful–it’s how God made you. When you are in love with someone, you will naturally want to take it further. Now, God put his laws in place so that we don’t just listen to our own desires, but we decide a better way instead. The desires aren’t necessarily wrong (lust is wrong, attraction is not), but the actions they lead to if we blindly follow them can be damaging. Do you see the difference?
But I see a lot of women in relationships where they have almost no desire to have sex with the man they are about to marry. They think about cuddling and sleeping in the same bed and having devotionals at breakfast together, but sex? Not really. They accept it as a necessary part of marriage, sure, but they don’t really feel the need for it.
Now here’s my unpopular opinion: it’s unfair to both of you to marry someone you have no desire to have sex with.
It simply is. Marriage is important–and sex is a really important part of marriage. Sex and the marriage contract are really the only things that separate it from other relationships, if you really think about it.
This may sound harsh, but if you marry a man you desperately love but don’t have any desire to have sex with, that is simply not fair to him. Because it means you are cutting him off from one of God’s gifts for him–a great sex life. I know it’s weird to think of a great sex life as a gift from God, but that’s one of the amazing parts about how God made marriage!
Flip the tables for a second. Imagine if you were getting married to someone who didn’t want you sexually–that would be a huge rejection, and a huge betrayal, as well.
But it’s not just him who suffers in that marriage–you do, too. And that’s because God has something greater for you. If you’re not married yet and you seriously have no desire for sex, maybe God is calling you to singlehood, and to do something amazing for Him with that. Maybe you have become incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of sex because of lies you believe about God–if that’s the case, God wants you to live in truth. Maybe you don’t want to have sex with this guy because he’s not the guy you’re supposed to marry.
No matter what the situation, not being sexually attracted to someone you are considering marrying should be a huge red flag that means something needs to change. Because God wants more for you–whether that’s getting out of your relationship or working through some lies you’ve believed about your identity and about sex.
This is a difficult topic, and a personal one. What are your opinions on this? Do you think it’s fair to marry someone you’re not sexually attracted to? Let me know in the comments below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hey Becca – so I definitely screwed this up from the boy/teen side while growing up and so did my wife. So my question is how do you teach this? Jesus is my first answer here. Meaning proper parenting and communication and having Jesus as part of your family. Puberty discussions and life lessons discussions I can see here. If the Church isn’t going to teach this message then it has to come from the parents. While I think the Church should assist in delivering the proper message I guess I see it as ultimately the parents responsibility. Which is also my answer for a lot of other topics as well. I see it is not just one answer but rather a combination of many influences I suppose. Having a discussion is one thing. But how do you teach someone to have sexual feelings for someone and then not lust? I totally get your post. I am just trying to wrap my head around how as a parent I can teach my daughter and my 2 boys this lesson. Your analogy makes sense yet I am having trouble separating the 2 topics because you don’t have a natural urge to rob a bank but you do have a natural urge to want sex. Unless you don’t activate it?? That takes you back to the message of don’t have sexual feelings… Not sure here Becca – interesting topic. While this message was directed at girls/teens/women (it seems) I am about to take my oldest son out on a boat soon where he can’t run and can’t hide heheh and we are going to talk more about sex from a real life standpoint. He already has the mechanical basic information but it is time to have real world conversation. I am going to tell him my story. I am not sure how in depth I will get with my story be it basic or all. I will have to see how it goes. However, I am still not sure that just because I tell him my story that is going to teach him this lesson from your post.
I don’t know that we need to teach our children to have sexual desire. I think we do need to teach them that having sexual desire is normal and fine and not the same thing as lust. I think people who don’t feel sexual desire, in some cases, have repressed all sexual desire and attraction in a misguided attempt to avoid sexual sin. In other cases, they might just not have had that desire awakened yet, but it will happen if they develop closeness to someone of the opposite sex and aren’t trying to suppress it.
We can’t control the natural process of developing attraction and desire in our children, but we can give them the proper Biblical context in which to understand it. We have to avoid demonizing sex and instead teach them that sex is a good thing within its proper context of marriage.
When God designed us, He intended that we bless our partner and our mate with our love and sex. It puzzles me why anyone would deny this special gift when it is intended to be the best thing ever. I so enjoy this website and have learned a couple things. Right now, I am single and 69 years young, but not by choice; my late husband died in 2013. I have asked God for a new life partner and met a few frogs along the way. “One is never to old or too young to need love; we all do.” In my adult history, I have never trusted any man completely. This time, when the right man comes along, I am prepared to relinquish my fearful self, my need to be always right or in charge and let him know that I trust him. It will take a very confident but gentleman to accomplish that in me. If I can trust him because I trust God to answer prayer, it will be a wonderful life.
The robbing a bank is a poor analogy, because desiring sex within marriage is not desiring something wrong. A better analogy would be a desire and curiosity about having something material, like a nice house–it’s not wrong to want that. It’s wrong to think you should be able to get it without working hard for it, by taking from others. That would be lust.
The attitude that I try to have as my kids grow is that these desires are good and natural but there is a proper place for their expression at every stage. When you are a young teen, those surging desires should help motivate you to get over your shyness towards the opposite sex and make friends with many different people, and also to work hard in school so that you will be in a position to marry when the time comes. Sidetracking into porn or too intense of relationships too early will mean those desires are not doing their job of leading you into a place of a healthy connection.
I think my mother saved me a world of problems and issues by telling me in my early teens, “You know, it’s *not* wrong to have curiosity and desires about being married someday.” That one sentence made a huge difference. Even so thanks to the courtship culture I really didn’t worry about sexual attraction in choosing a spouse, but I got lucky in that regard.
“these desires are good and natural but there is a proper place for their expression at every stage”
Thanks Eliza – I think that says it in a nutshell.
I actually think Rebecca missed the point slightly. The fact that a number of young women don’t have that sexual desire is not necessarily because they are with the wrong person, or not ready in other ways to be married. I feel it is rather because they have learnt to shut it down their sexual side completely. They feel it is sinful. They need to be reassured that it is NOT sinful – in the right place and time and with the right person! They need to be reassured rather that it would, in fact, be sinful if they were to carry that attitude into marriage and cause their relationship to suffer as a result.
An important and vital topic, and thoughtfully approached. Thank you for taking this on and posting about it, Rebecca.
This is such a thought provoking conversation. Both my husband and I were virgins when we married, but both passionately eager to consummate our marriage. It made the months leading up to our wedding a constant challenge in boundaries and that tightrope was poorly executed at times. I’ll never forget looking at him on our wedding night and saying, “Honey, it’s OK for us to be ALONE IN THE DARK together!”
So while being sexually attracted to one another before marriage was not an issue for us, I identify with some of the other commenters: how do I teach my children healthfully about this? How do I teach them to steward and surrender their desires to God (and redirect those desires until the right time?) without repeating the challenges my husband and I walked through pre-wedding? How to feel and acknowledge healthfully without embracing when it’s not yet time…
I’d like more information about a way to teach a healthy view of this to our children as well. Especially if I ever do have a daughter, so that maybe she can be spared all of the physical/mental issues I’ve had with trying to flip the switch on desire being ok in marriage after over a decade of believing that it was wrong during my teens and as a single person during all of my 20s.
Haha! I so relate to this! My husband said a similar thing to me just after we got married 🙂
I didn’t really know I had a sex drive until I started dating my husband. Once I fell in love with him, I wanted to have sex with him so bad. We had a hard time waiting for marriage, but we did it. And now we’re so glad that we don’t have to say no any more.
I think that struggle to wait for marriage is supposed to be there. Not only does it tell you that you have that sexual attraction which will be really important in marriage, but it helps teach you self-control. If you never had sex because you didn’t desire to, then how do you know you can handle sexual temptation if it ever appears? Like if you find yourself attracted to someone else after you’re married? We need to be able to feel desire and yet say no to acting on it if that action would be wrong. This is what self-control is. It’s not self-control if you never had any desire to begin with.
We don’t have to shut down our sex drives as singles in order to please God. God made us as sexual beings on purpose. What we have to do is say no to sex where it would be wrong – which is any kind of sex outside marriage. Sex isn’t the problem. Sex outside marriage is the problem. Having this understanding can help us, not only as singles, to understand ourselves and what God expects of us, but as married people too. We don’t have to flip a switch from non-sexual to sexual when we marry. We simply have permission to engage sexually where we didn’t before once we belong to one another in marriage. Because sex in marriage is good, we are right to desire it. That’s not wrong. We just don’t have a right to engage in it or fantasize about it outside marriage.
Thank you Lindsey. This is exactlty what I was wondering after reading Jennie’s comment. Is this struggle meant to be? Good stuff today. Thanks all.
When you said above that it is often not as much about looks for girls, does that mean you are saying that guys care more about looks? That looks a bigger factor in attraction and choosing to date/marry someone for a man? I have been struggling with this thought because it hurts to think a large part of why my husband married me is looks. I find him super attractive and always have, but to think it was a bigger deal to him sucks. And it is actually very unfair to girls in general to be judged on something they cannot control. How does someone reconcile this if it is in fact true that men care more about looks. How is that right when the Bible repeatedly talks about it is what is on the inside that counts. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with being physically attracted to another person, especially if that is the person you are married to, but how can men base more off of looks and be doing the right thing? How do we women live in a world where that is the reality? And finally, how to we feel that God loves us if he made the men in our lives care so much about looks. Why would God do that to women? If he cares about our hearts, why would’t he make men care about our hearts? Why do guys have it easy and girls are always judged on appearance? And I hate it because then men, even good Christian men, use this as an excuse to be judgmental, “visual” which often turns to lust, and to never pay any mind to wonderful girls who don’t look like supermodels. This has been a huge topic of issue for me and I have tried to talk to my husband, but he hasn’t been much help. Please, how do we deal with guys caring more and reconcile that with a good and loving God and to not feel cheap to our men. And what if you are a girl that cares a lot about looks as well?
@Jess—
An essential question and issue, and a topic that I hope serves as the kernel of a longer post and discussion elsewhere on the blog.
In general (and here’s the issue with generalizations—they’re broad and sweeping but have enough truth in them to have validity) men are more visual. But that isn’t to say that women are not visual. Look at Rebekah Hargraves’ exegesis of The Song Of Solomon in yesterday’s post. So there’s a Godly foundation in being visual, in seeing something that—and someone who—delights the eye.
Where it goes wrong is when, outside of a Blessed setting, our visual designs become polluted by worldly, fleshy, fallen and, in our culture, commercialized, marketed and monetized drivers.
Please do not think that men caring solely about a woman’s appearance is something that God has done—and He certainly does not condone. This is something that we as flawed fallen beings have allowed the world and the Enemy to take root and, sadly, let flourish.
Men *should* care more about women’s hearts—and intellect—than they do their looks (there are threads of this in the recent upheaval occurring in society presently). And the onus is on us men to seek and see a woman’s—and, if we’re married, *our* woman’s—legitimate beauty: her Godly heart, her spirit, her mind, her soul. I’ve been married for nearly 25 years, and my wife remains the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. But my eyes are only delighted by what they see because my soul continues to respond to the true beauty of her being.
For the primacy of value that our culture puts almost wholly on a woman’s appearance to wither, men must actively reject the messaging and marketing we’re endlessly bombarded with, and it should be us Godly men who are best equipped to seek a woman’s true beauty and show the rest of the (fallen) world how it’s done.
I’m not sure that I’ve fully addressed your post and concerns, Jess, but I hope there’s something in here that offers some insight, hope and comfort.
You’ve said what I wanted to say better, but I’d like to add that it’s not solely up to men to reject unfair standards for women. But thank you for taking that stand!
@Kacey—
I was thinking of an addendum, because you’re absolutely right—it isn’t solely men’s responsibility to refute what the fleshly world has messaged us with. It’s incumbent on women, too, to bear some of the struggle as well, but to do so, I see women needing to take an, arguably, brave responsibility: to help men from seeing only a woman’s physical looks—which are things, as Jess writes, women can’t control—then we need to see the *other* things that women can’t necessarily control—but are also God-given, which are the gifts and talents He’s blessed you with. Embrace wholly and unashamedly the things that make you (that God has made you) you: maybe you can sing pitch-perfect harmony in the worship band at church, but can also play a scorching trombone in a Christ-centered ska band; maybe you run a dog rescue; maybe you write code; maybe you roast your own coffee; maybe your visuality has been guided into breathtaking photography. Show us *all* of you.
Hear hear! Greg. Hear hear!
I don’t think this will address all of your concerns, but here are some thoughts.
I know a lot of girls who care a lot about looks, even as much as guys do. For some, seeing an attractive person is enough to make them tongue-tied. But I think a lot of people – men and women included – can recognize that a person is attractive without creating some emotional or lustful connection.
When I met my husband as a teenager, I thought he was good-looking. That didn’t really impact how I related to him or talked to him, though, even when I knew I wanted to date him. But when our relationship developed, my attraction to his looks developed, too. That smile I liked? It was the smile of someone I had come to admire and respect. And now that we’re married? That olive skin, that thick hair, the dimples that show only when he’s really happy? Those are MINE.
I think that’s what Becca was talking about with attraction deepening over time. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens to most people in committed relationships, men and women alike. Even men who feel an initial stronger attraction based on appearance.
My husband treated me – and other women – with kindness and courtesy when he was single, no matter what they looked like. He still does. If men you know don’t, that is a defect in their character – not “just the way it is.”
God may have made men to be generally more visual than women, but that doesn’t mean he made them more interested in looks than anything else. If a particular man only cares about looks, that’s not God’s design. That’s sin.
Jess, I hope this will help in a small way. My experience is that men are more visual than women – on average. That is for sure the case in our marriage. However, that does not mean that looks are the most important thing for a guy, just that it catches his eye more than mine. Also it doesn’t mean he will look at others or even want to. Especially important to realize, I think, is that he doesn’t see what you see. That men are visual doesn’t mean that they want what media portrays. He may just want you. The way you look. Because you are you and look like you and he loves you. I’m not a photo model, never will be, and I am on my third pregnancy in four years. When my breasts grow with pregnancy he loves that, when my body firm up a bit after having the babies he is happy to look at that too! It feels like he is able to love my body and how it looks much better than I am during these times of constant change. To me that is actually very valuable – and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the inside. I really don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.
Ok. Long, ramblings. But if nothing else; a guy being more visual does not, and I mean NOT, mean you have to look like a model to be appealing. It doesn’t even mean that your looks can never change if you want to stay attractive to your husband. I honestly think it comes down to the relationship in the end, but it is expressed slightly different from person to person and between the sexes.
Love.
This will be unpopular, but it’s true. The issue will continue to be hopelessly muddled as long as we hold to an unbiblical distinction between sexual desire and lust. I say unbiblical because, although biblical translators unhelpfully make a distinction between the English word “lust,” which is applied mostly to sexual desire and always has a negative connotation, and the English word “desire,” which generally has positive connotations and is applied to other things, the Greek does not make the same distinction. In both contexts, the noun is epithymia and the verb is epithumeo in both contexts. Jesus desired to have Passover with his disciples (Luke 22:15); prophets and righteous men desired to see what the disciples were seeing (Matthew 13:17); Paul desired to depart and be with Christ (Phil. 1:23). It’s all the same word as “lust” in Matthew 5:28.
As long as we keep making a distinction that the original language doesn’t make, there will always be this fuzzy, subjective question of “When does healthy desire become sinful lust? How do I know when I’ve crossed the line?” And there will be a fear that one has crossed the line, and a feeling of dirtiness and a desire to squelch that feeling, and an attempt to squelch the desire itself that can’t help but carry itself into the marriage bedroom.
The issue is not the intensity of the desire, but rather its object. Desiring sex within marriage is not wrong. Period. Desiring to be married in order to, among other things, experience a sexual relationship is not wrong. Looking forward to your marriage relationship with your fiance (or fiancee) is not wrong. None of these things are wrong because the object of the desire is not wrong.
On the other hand, being married and desiring a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse is wrong. Desiring to have sex without getting married is wrong. Desiring to jump the gun and have sex prior to becoming married is wrong (although the desire of an engaged couple for one another is a good argument for short engagements). Desiring all these things is wrong because the object is wrong: sex apart from the marriage commitment.
It is not wrong to desire; it’s wrong to desire the wrong thing. That’s what we need to be teaching our single brothers and sisters (and sons and daughters).
This makes so much sense, thank you!
Interesting about the Greek. Makes sense, because in Danish the word ‘lyst’ (pronounced ‘loost), obviously related to the English word ‘lust,’ is a general word for desire or wish or want, with no particular sexual connotations.
That’s the way it was in Old and Middle English, too. Since English is a blend of Germanic and Latin roots, we tend to have a lot of synonyms where the Latin-derived forms have a more positive or genteel connotation and the old Anglo-Saxon forms have a cruder or more negative connotation.
I disagree wholeheartedly. In my 21.5 single years I took the verse from Song of Solomon seriously ‘Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.’ That was my prayer even as I longed to meet my future husband. I trusted God with my sexuality and didn’t spend time wondering about something that wasn’t even on the table yet.
I spent less than 30 days in the same state in the year’s time between meeting my future husband and our marriage. I loved him. I couldn’t wait to spend my whole life with him. But for me, the sexual attraction hadn’t built. I didn’t worry about it, I just asked the Lord to make me ready for my husband when it was time. That simple prayer was answered 100%. Not knowing my sexual temptation limits was not a problem before hand. And as it turns out, I was comfortable instantly, and ready for my husband any time!
I don’t think it’s a problem to not be hyper sexually attracted. Good sex is a skill that can be learned, best friendship, trust, respect and loyalty can develop over time, but can’t be compromised on. Sex is an amazing gift from God! But it’s only one ingredient in marriage. I personally know multiple couples who married primarily because they were so sexually attracted they couldn’t see straight. And they’re all divorced or divorcing now, less than 5 years later.
I just read the microwave /slow cooker post. It seems like there’s a discrepancy between that post and this one. Not every woman is the same and some take longer to heat up. There shouldn’t be that emphasis on heating up before marriage, so how can you predict if that will be a future problem? It sounds more like “Princess Diaries” than sound biblical principles.
Hi Carol, I know what you’re saying, but there’s a difference between attraction and arousal. One can be attracted to someone without feeling aroused at all, and that’s the essential problem with the slow cooker analogy. Many women may be attracted to their husbands but not interested in sex. Then there are also women who aren’t attracted to their husbands and who ALSO aren’t interested in sex. That’s a big problem. And I do think that’s something that many couples deal with!
You hit the nail on the head on this one. I’m the one with both problems. I love my husband but was never really attracted to him physically. I loved his personality. I been dealing with this for 15 years and counseling has not helped with the lack of physical touch, sex, etc.
I have given up trying to make something out of whats not there, but I still show him I love him in all other ways. I cant create what isn’t naturally there, feels like pretending.
If you read the entirety of Song if Solomon you will see that that was Solomon’s words, not the shutamite woman. She DID have desire for him that never left, but was waited to be acted upon. You seem to take all her advice that may help some as though she is claiming absolute truth for everyone. She is giving advice doe women (and men) who have had an unhealthy church example set to stifle a desire clearly given by God. You were blessed to have the experience you did. But again, that’s not true for all. As a single guy in his 20s, I can say as soon as I saw my desires as something to look forward to, not something to be guilty about, it helped immensely in my ability to push off lustful thoughts and inappropriate actions. I’m excited for the future gift, not guilty for wanting it. The present is under the Christmas tree. It’s not Christmas yet, so I won’t open it yet, but I’m not going to be guilt tripped for wanting to open it someday. That desire exists now, that’s not sinful. It’s sinful if I open it early. Also, nowhere at all did she EVER imply sexual desire was a primary reason to mary someone. Rebecca clearly said it was an important secondary thing. Y’all quick-draw respond without reading the whole post or context of this site.
Hi Wifey – please please know that I am not looking to argue with you but rather discuss genuinely. I struggle with the verse you quote because it seems as though you present it such that we should not love someone so that we have no sexual desires. That for sure I am not on board with. Love is not sex. Sex is an expression of love and is not only a gift from God but from each other. So I am stuck on your context. I am really glad things worked out for you with the methods you used. It really is great. You apparently had a good foundation. What I think a large part of the messages we receive around here is this: Even in what are supposed to be good God intended messages from the Church and us as Parents; for the good of others/our children; even those messages can(not will but can) be wrong in thier delivery and can have long lasting harmful effects.
Hey Phil!
I see what you’re saying, so let me clarify.
That verse I quoted simply reminded me that God had created my sexuality and it was nothing to be embarrassed about, but at the same time, as a single woman I shouldn’t focus on expressing my sexuality until it was the right time- marriage. The verse reminded me to trust God with His timing, and not try to make things happen by my own strength or will. Does that make more sense?
I was never told the messages that Rebecca said are common in Christian circles, maybe because I was never a part of youth group culture. I looked forward to sex in marriage, but I didn’t dwell on what it would be like, I instead chose to trust the Lord with the unknowns. I don’t believe you have to manufacture feelings of sexual attraction to actually be prepared for marriage. According to the ideas presented in this article, I should not have married my husband.
Your reply makes sense. I am not sure I follow you on the part that you shouldnt have married your husband…however you did clarify my question to your previous response. I do appreciate. This is an interesting topic
That’s what was said in the post.
“Maybe you don’t want to have sex with this guy because he’s not the guy you’re supposed to marry.”
There have been some really thought provoking comments so far and I’d like to add my two cents to the mix. First of all, I do believe that some of the lack of sexual desire could be coming from suppressing it before marriage. I also believe that it is a combination of a lot of other things as well: women comparing themselves to other women and developing a paralyzing fear that no matter what they will be a disappointment during sex because they don’t look like those women. So as a result they avoid sex so they don’t have to feel inadequate. Women funneling their sexual desires into fictional men in books, on tv and movies who have impossibly perfect and romantic personalities who also have worldly “good looks”. Women feeling that they are entitled to this type of man and building resentment for their husband when they don’t behave the way those fictional men do.
And here is an example of women funneling their sexual desires into fictional/celebrity men. I was recently watching different interviews of the entire cast of the show This Is Us. There was an interview of the actor who plays the husband/father character in the show and the interviewer asked the audience if they had any questions. There was one women who asked if he would be showing his butt in the next season. I noticed that this women had a wedding ring on. Clearly this woman is directing her sexual desire towards the wrong set of buns and I can’t help but wonder if she salivates over her own husband’s butt in the same way or if she just scolds him when he stinks up the room or the bathroom with it.
This brings me to my next point. Looks matter to shallow women these days just as much as they matter to shallow men. The thing is that it seems that these women don’t necessarily have looks on their check list of qualities that matter for marriage, but they will continue to focus on it in other men. I cannot tell you how often I have heard married women oohing and ahhing over “handsome male celebrities” and even some men in real life. And then you see their husbands and they don’t look anything like the men they go on and on about. I am not saying all women are like this just as I would never say that all men lust after random women’s looks. But these women are out there and I feel like they somehow fly under the radar and get away with acting the way they do.
I personally believe that the whole “men are visual” concept (as in they are somehow designed to be more visual) is just a huge lie. I DO believe that as a result of sin entering the world men seem to be more prone to greed and lust when it comes to the flesh. Notice how it was always men who had multiple wives and not women having multiple husbands. But that does not mean that somewhere in the male design there is a special trigger for visual stimulation that is stronger or more sensitive that a woman’s. The fact of the matter is that there is much more stimulation out there for men to be stimulated by and so they begin to assume that it is just part of the male design to be voraciously visual. I guarantee that if men were displayed in the same manner as women are in the media it would be women who believed that they were the more visual sex.
Samantha, you are quite wise! Loved both comments above.
Thanks, Chris. Wise might be too generous though. Lol
And just to be clear, I do believe that God created men and women to be visual in the sense that we are able to appreciate His creation. And part of His creation is the naked body of our SPOUSE. I truly wish we lived in a world where the first naked person of the opposite sex we saw was our spouse. I love seeing my husband naked. I tell him all the time that if I could sculpt, I would make a sculpture of his body. We are supposed to have that kind of appreciation for our spouse and only for our spouse.
I do believe that too many people out there use initial physical attraction as a compass to lead them to a potential date and spouse. And too many people assume that physical attraction is a prerequisite for “falling in love”. When in reality I fully believe that REAL attraction (including the physical side) isn’t even possible without love or at the very least getting to know a person for who they are on the inside. And what I mean by REAL is physical attraction that can stand the test of weight fluctuations, loss of muscle tone, pregnancy, and time.
@Samantha—
Spot on. Thank you for posting that.
You’re welcome and thank you, Greg.
LOL and awesome. Good rant Samantha good rant haha.
Thanks, Phil. Lol
Samantha,
Great comments. I think there is a lot of truth in what you say. In terms of being visual, I agree that both men and women are but I think we approach it differently. Your comment about women and romantic books/movies etc is spot on. Why is it that girls/women create entire fantasies in their heads about men they find attractive? I don’t think boys/men do that in the same way. They don’t tend to invent imaginary personalities and relationships for women they find attractive. It is unfair to think men are more shallow because they seem to be more visual. We are both guilty of being shallow in our own way. A good husband doesn’t love his wife because he thinks she is beautiful, he thinks she is beautiful because he loves her. I don’t think men compartmentalise people like we sometimes do. I used to have crushes on guys who I knew weren’t conventionally handsome but I found them attractive because of the attractive nature of them as people. Some men do the same thing, fall for women who are not conventionally attractive, but in their minds those women are pretty. They don’t overthink it like we have a tendency to do.
Great points as well, Esther! And I like your additions about women creating personalities and relationships and fantasies about men they find attractive. I know that that kind of stuff is true because it is the kind of thing I did as an adolescent girl who desperately wanted a boyfriend. And I’m sure I’m not the only girl who has done that. And I guarantee some women, even married women, don’t grow out of that kind of behavior. I know when I was young I formed a lot of opinions about what men (specifically an ideal man) “should be like” from romantic books and movies. I think real life men end up getting into relationships with women who have totally unrealistic expectations about how a man is supposed to behave (romantically and otherwise), and as I said in the previous comment, women begin to resent the man in their life for not being a fantasy man. And in those shows, movies, and books it is the smoldering personality that often ignites the woman’s passion and interest. The average Joe just can’t compete with that. So I think women make the mistake of thinking that it is somehow her husband’s job to stoke the flame of passion and romance for the entire relationship without doing any of the work herself. Because really when you think about it, it is always the man who brings the romance and passion into fictional romances. The woman is just on the receiving end of it all.
No, I can’t say I agree. Dr. Laura said something like this several years ago, too, and I didn’t agree with her either. Marriage is not built on sexual attraction or feelings. It is built on commitment and choices made to love and respect each other. I didn’t have a sexual attraction for my husband when we married 30 years ago. We’ve had a great life together. Not having a sexual attraction is not a deal breaker.
Hey, Carol–
I agree that sexual feelings shouldn’t be the bedrock of a marriage. But since I deal with questions every day about women who have never wanted to have sex with their husbands–ever–and it’s tearing their marriages apart, I do think that there is an important role for sexual attraction.
I’m so glad that you have a strong marriage, and every relationship is different, so of course I think people should take my advice with a grain of salt 😉 But my concern is that women are getting married not because they want to have a full, vibrant marriage but because they’re afraid of NOT being married. So they marry a guy they never intend to sleep with. And that’s just not fair. I’d be interested to figure out what was the difference between people who married without sexual attraction who ended up having great sex lives in their marriage versus those who are more like the people I’ve talked to, who never wanted to have sex and continued not wanting sex in their marriage. Because from the comments, there does seem to be those two distinct groups!
Thank you so much for this post! I was a conservative Christian girl who heard exactly the message you described. Virginity was an end in itself, rather than a way to honor God by enjoying sex within marriage.
I’m getting married in two months and I’m thankful that my fiance and I (both virgins) have taken the time to talk about sex, our fears, and our expectations. Sheila’s book has been amazing and has helped me work through so many fears and myths that I believed about sex.
My question that I would love advice on is this — how do we teach the next generation to understand that saving sex for marriage is because it is so good, not that it’s bad or dirty or sinful. I don’t want my future daughters to hear the same messages I heard. How would you approach this?
When a child loves and respects their parents, they tend to adopt their value systems naturally. At risk of over simplifying things, don’t underestimate the power of a great relationship with your kid. In that context, bring up sex early, before culture teaches them all the things you don’t want them to know. Kids are likely exposed to porn by 12, almost guaranteed by 14 (ftnd.org). Talk to them about the wonderful gift of sex, and how grateful you are that you waited. Find a trusted person who didn’t wait, and have them share their regret about not waiting. The more you talk about sex with them (within reason!) the less of a wierd thing it will be. Always be truthful. Most importantly, spend a lot of time on your knees before the throne of grace on their behalf.
Jordy, absolutely agree about the good relationship with the parents. That really is the key!