How do you have a great sex life if other people live in your house and can hear you?
I recently had a woman ask this question:
My husband and I are in youth ministries. Recently, we had an addition of an 18 year old male to our home. Here is our stumbling block… We have sex very enjoyably and, thus, pretty loudly. Our biological kids sleep deep…and if we cant wait til they’re asleep, our kids aren’t at the age where they understand what sex is so they don’t think anything of it anyways. But this kid knows what sex is and what the sounds of sex are and I just feel a bit uncomfortable with being our usual sexy selves with him in the house. Do we need to withhold forever (this kid will be living with us for a long while)? Or always just be silent and dull? Or should we talk to him about it and do our loud thing anyways? We want to be tactful, respectful of him, and uphold our godly reputation (it’d be very embarrassing if he heard us making love and he told others at church, since we are leaders in our church). Also note…he doesn’t have a license or car (being in foster care til now) and is usually always with us morning, noon, and night. Please help us with your wisdom! We NEED to have our exciting sex again! Thanks in advance for any and all tips or advice 🙂
Okay, let’s look at first principles and logic our way through this and see if we can find a solution.
Principle #1: It isn’t feasible to not have sex while there are other people in the house
You can’t put your sex life on hold just because other people are living with you. You just can’t. Your marriage is your most important human relationship, and sex in marriage is really a must. So we know two things:
God wants you and your husband to have sex
God wants this boy to live in your house.
Therefore, God is perfectly okay with you having sex when this boy is in your house!
Principle #2: Throughout history people have lived in close quarters
It’s only in the Western World for the last century or so where we’ve really had any semblance of privacy. And yet throughout history, people had sex.
Now, I don’t believe in having sex in front of people or in advertising the fact that you’re having sex. But have you ever been in one of those museums and seen the one-room houses the pioneers lived in? Believe me, they still had sex!
Therefore, the idea that if someone hears you having sex that this is something bad or wrong really can’t be true over history.
Principle #3: Having a great marriage is one ingredient to godliness!
This line that she wrote made me laugh, I admit:
We want to be tactful, respectful of him, and uphold our godly reputation (it’d be very embarrassing if he heard us making love and he told others at church, since we are leaders in our church).
So having the church find out that they have sex will make them seem ungodly? Oh, dear. It’s time to smash that idea with a sledgehammer and redefine what a good marriage is! You guys have a great time together. You have a good marriage that includes a great sex life. That’s what’s way more important than pretending that nothing ever happens.
Principle #4: You can find that balance between being mindful of someone’s sensibilities and wanting a great marriage
Until now they’ve been really loud. I’m not sure what she means by that. She may mean that they’re loud vocally (moaning and such) or that their bed is loud. If it’s the latter, you can make love on the floor or on another mattress or yoga mat or something. If it’s that you moan too much, it totally is possible to still have great sex without screaming or moaning. No, it may not be as fun, but it can still be pretty great!
So what can you do to make sex easier when other people live with you?
Some super quick ideas, and then I hope other people can chime in in the comments section!
1. Tell them you need a night to yourself.
If you’re opening up your home to someone, I think it’s okay to ask them to make themselves scarce one night a week. Maybe he gets a job. Maybe he joins a youth group or a club. Maybe he goes out with friends that night.
That would hold true for an 18-year-old boy or for a sibling or parent who is living with you, too. It’s your house. It’s okay to say, “we need some couple time!”
2. Buy them headphones.
Seriously, I would just hand the 18-year-old a super amazing pair of headphones, the kind that goes over your ears. You don’t have to explain anything. I think he would figure it out on his own–and he may even use them so much he wouldn’t notice what’s going on, anyway!
3. Make sure the bedrooms closest to yours are for the most oblivious people
Put the people who are the most likely to know what you’re doing in the bedrooms that are furthest away from yours, even if it means moving people around. Seriously, your marriage is worth it!
I think this applies for having sex when your own teenagers are in the house, too. Or if you’re living with your in-laws.
But the biggest stumbling block we need to get over is this: It is not the end of the world if other people realize you’re having sex. As long as you’re not advertising it by screaming or something, and as long as you’re being respectful by being as quiet as you can within reason, then this is just part of what people experience when they share a house.
And honestly–maybe what that 18-year-old boy needs to know is that it’s possible to have a great marriage!
What do you think? Any other tips on how to make it easier to have sex when you have people living with you? Leave us your tips in the comments!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.