Is your sex life in your marriage dead?
Last Friday I ran a post with a comment from a male reader whose wife consistently refused to have sex with him. He was heartbroken, and I wanted us all to see what he had to say, because I really think that’s a perspective many women need to hear.
The comments on that post were heartbreaking, too. (I couldn’t participate as much as usual because I was speaking at a retreat last weekend, and then I promptly left for Australia!) But I’m typing this Sunday afternoon, about half an hour before we zip up our suitcases and head to the airport.
Anyway, I was reminded again how big a problem this is in so many marriages. While speaking at the retreat, I had several women talk to me whose husbands are the ones who are refusing to have sex, and if that’s you–I’m so sorry. I hope to write a new series for you soon, because believe me, you are not alone.
But today I want to talk to the women who consistently refuse sex or just don’t think it’s a big deal. And every time he asks wrong, or says something wrong, it gives another reason why they can say no tonight.
Please, read what that commenter said.
And now I want to give you 10 posts that can help you reignite that sex life!
First, some help to understand the dynamics that are now in your marriage.
- Why Do I never want to say yes when my husband initiates sex?
- We Stopped Having Sex–and here’s what I learned
A reader wrote in about what she learned after she stopped having sex when the babies came. She was so tired, and it just wasn’t a priority for her anymore. But one day she realized that she was seriously hurting her marriage.
A funny thing can happen when you make that realization, though. Sometimes if you’ve been refusing for a long time, and now you want to start having sex again, HE is no longer interested.
That’s actually quite a common dynamic, and I hope that will help you understand it.
Next, please understand that what your husband wants isn’t sexual release.
I know that this can be hard for you to “get”, because that’s not what we hear. Growing up, we’re told that if he doesn’t get sex every 72 hours, he’ll explode or something. We’re told that if we don’t have sex with him, he’ll be tempted to look elsewhere. And all of those messages get all mixed together in our minds and makes sex seem very undesirable. I get it. I hope this post will help you see things in a new way:
- How to talk about Men’s sexual needs in a healthy way.
- Why Enthusiasm Matters for men–because it’s not just about sexual release
What men and women BOTH need, first and foremost, is intimacy. Not sexual release. That’s a part of it of course (a huge part of it), but unless we understand the emotions behind our need for sex, sex will always seem shallow. And becoming committed to having a great sex life will be like trying to talk yourself into liking eating liver (men may not like that analogy; many women will relate to it). Until we can understand that sex is for us, too, then having more sex is going to be solely a matter of will power. That’s not what you need; and that’s not what he needs either. So these may help:
- 10 Amazing things about how God made sex
- 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex
- Why sex was meant to be mutual
Okay, I hope you’re seeing sex in a new way!
Now, how on earth do you start your sex life again once you’ve realized you need to?
It’s not for everyone, but don’t discount it off the bat. It can take the pressure off and actually make sex more natural when you’re in a really uncomfortable dynamic in your marriage.
Then try initiating sex more! And here are a few other ways–
I hope those help. You really can change the dynamic in your marriage. If your husband could have written that comment, it doesn’t have to stay that way. It really doesn’t. God made you to truly “know” each other. Don’t turn away from that. It’s too big a gift to miss out on. It causes too much pain.
And it doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re struggling, please try. Read those posts and pray about it. And I do believe that God can give you that desire for intimacy, too!