What do you do if your extended family is rude and sets a bad example for your kids?
This week on the blog we’re going to talk about family harmony, and I thought I’d start with this reader question about in-laws. She writes:
My husband and I were raised in Christian homes and have made godliness a priority from the day we met. However, his family– all professing Christians– have gone off the deep end. Two of the brothers have scary tattoos/piercings/mohawks, curse/tell crass jokes, and wear profane/demonic shirts. (One of them is also bi-polar and gets into screaming matches with relatives, his wife, and even small children–way too often.) His other brother and his wife are churchgoers, but in recent years have begun socially drinking a lot and clubbing. It seems that’s all they talk about now– this and that club, what brand of liquor they like, etc. The big problem is that my mother-in-law, who I have grown very close with over the years, won’t stop any of it from happening in her home. Now SHE breaks out the alcohol and even tries to get us to partake in it. My father in-law, a former deacon, just sits back and stays quiet.
The part that makes it unacceptable is that we have two very smart, beautiful little boys– age 3 and 1– who I am determined to bring up in a wholesome environment. My wonderful husband, thank GOD, fully agrees and has tried to talk to his parents, to no avail. His mom just wants to keep everyone together. She is hostile to any suggestion of banning activities or upsetting anyone. We are the problem.
I am heartbroken for my husband, who is so very close with his brothers and parents, but the idea of bringing our kids into that place is more and more repulsive to me as time goes by. My older son is not a baby anymore. He is perceptive.
How can I reconcile taking them to church and Christian school, then turn around and trotting them into this ‘house of horrors’ full of people we appear to be perfectly happy to be around?!
Wow.
I’m sorry that you’re so distant from your family and feel so alone. I really am. Feeling like your family doesn’t understand you, and that you really are alone, is so isolating.
And I honestly understand where you’re coming from. In some ways we had a similar dynamic in our family. We certainly had our share of raunchy jokes and swear words at the Christmas table!
But there are a few things that I’d like to say, and I hope that you will hear my heart in this, and that others who experience this will also listen.
Jesus did not ask people to clean up their act before He hung around them.
He just enjoyed people, and they enjoyed Him! And that means that He wasn’t walking around judging people for all the things they do wrong. If you look at Scripture, we’re not actually supposed to judge those outside the church.
Now, in your case you say that your brothers-in-law grew up in the church, but today they’re not following Jesus. Well, if they don’t know Him, then why should you expect them to act as if they do?
And if they don’t know Jesus, then isn’t it your job to show them?
That means loving them the way that Christ did. The apostle John wrote:
For Jesus did not come into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:17)
So let me ask: What are you doing to participate in Jesus’ mission? It sounds like you’re ready to condemn this family right now and give up on them, angry at them because they’re so terrible to be around. That’s not very Christlike to me.
Don’t worry so much about your kids
Your children will pick up your values. Even very young kids can learn that “we love people even if they aren’t like us, and even if we wish they’d act differently.” My kids heard swearing from very young ages, but Keith and I just didn’t react, and the girls didn’t even realize it WAS swearing until they were about 8 or 9. We just hung out with people.
And you can honestly enjoy people who don’t know Christ. Just find things to talk about. If they only want to talk about alcohol, change the subject! Take an interest in what they’re doing in their lives. Ask about their jobs. Ask about their schooling. Even ask about any recipes they’ve tried! It’s not that hard usually to steer the conversation in a good direction.
Look, your kids are going to encounter swearing and difficult people. You can’t shelter them forever. Why not instead show them how to handle it with grace and love? If they grow up like that, from the very beginning, ti won’t be jarring. Do that, and it really won’t affect them (trust me; my kids were fine).
Put yourself in your mother-in-law’s shoes for a second.
You’re asking your mother-in-law to ban her children, her flesh and blood that she loves so much, from family gatherings.
Not to be harsh, but it’s no wonder she thinks you’re the problem!
Imagine for a minute that your boys grow up, and one of them goes off the rails and doesn’t follow God. How would you want the other brother treating him? Would you want that brother to love and embrace him anyway and keep a good relationship with him, or would you want him to be ostracized?
Have you thought about your calling to your nieces and nephews?
I don’t know if you have nieces and nephews yet–it sounds like one of your brothers-in-law at least has kids? Have you thought about what a great influence you can be on those children, whom God has put specifically in your path?
I have three nieces and nephews on my husband’s side who grew up with my kids, and I love them dearly. So dearly. We took them to Family Camp for about six years straight for a week every summer when they were younger. Our kids grew up together.
One nephew I even had in my house for about a year and a half while we homeschooled him! I love them, I love the relationship they have with my kids, I love seeing them grow up.
I even went paintballing with Alex. And I hate paintballing. It’s called being a good aunt.
And honestly, I have found over the years that if family conversations get too raunchy, I can just go hang out with the kids!
Now the kids have great relationships with each other, and they get together just as cousins every Christmas to play board games. (Alex is missing from this picture! So’s David (Katie’s husband). This was last Christmas, before they were together).
Beyond your nieces and nephews, what about your calling to your sister-in-law? If she’s married to someone bipolar who yells at her, don’t you think she’s going to need you as a support? Don’t you want to be there for her if she’s ever in trouble and can’t handle things? This is your family. Stay close to her so she knows she has an ally if she needs it.
Can you see your family through Christ’s eyes?
We don’t see eye to eye on faith with all of Keith’s relatives. But they are wonderful people, and we still have a huge amount in common, because we base our relationship on what we share, not on what we don’t share. And when you get talking to people, you realize how much there is to admire in all of them. Two of my brothers-in-law MC’ed Katie’s wedding (and they were hilarious). They have helped us move, helped us with work stuff, they have been an amazing part of our lives. One sister-in-law even manned the book table at one of my events for me!
But if every time someone had said a swear word we had decided that we wouldn’t do family dinners with them? That would have been OUR problem, not theirs. We would have been the ones sinning, not them, because we wouldn’t be showing love.
The cool thing about family is that they are with you always. These are relationships that can be among the most precious in your life, if you let them. I have had friends come and go, but I have known Kurt, Kevin and Kris for almost 30 years. I have been to everyone’s weddings and everyone’s family celebrations. And we will always be there for them, and them for us.
Yes, family can be difficult. But you don’t have to see them everyday. You just have to love them and accept them during family dinners. Can you do that? Or will you reject them until they fit into your life?
Which do you think Jesus would choose?
I know relationships with in-laws are tricky, and I wrote before Christmas about how to handle family dinners if your family is abusive or is refusing to accept your husband/children. That’s a different situation. In this case, the family is more than happy to have them. They simply don’t act in a way that she likes.
You don’t need to subject yourself to abuse. But having people laugh and swear and drink in front of you is not really abuse. It may not be pleasant for you, but it’s not abuse. So can you love people even if they’re not like you?
What do you think? Do you have awkward relationships with extended family? How do you handle it?
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My husband is the white sheep in a family of black sheep. It can be hard for us at times, but we try to remember that we need to be loving and accepting to them if we want to make a difference.
As our children grow we’ve discussed how important it is to make good decisions, and we have some great examples of what not to do from my husband’s side of the family and examples of what to do from my side. We’ve made sure to include that while their uncles have made bad choices, we still love them.
The contrast has been great for them. And there’s nothing like visiting someone in prison to help your kid realize how important decisions are.
One of their uncles has made some big changes in the last few years and even decided to commit to following Christ. He has told us how great it was that he knows we are there for him and that it made a big difference in his conversion.
Love them, accept them and be an example of righteousness, without being preachy.
That’s wonderful, Carrie! What a great influence you all have been.
I think your advice is spot-on. My Husband’s family also has different values than we do. Many of them are alcoholics and there is a lot of profanity when we go to family parties. Plus there is a bit of a language barrier…they typically speak in Spanish and I understand a lot but it takes a lot of effort to follow and participate in conversations. To be honest it made me very uncomfortable to be at family gatherings for quite a few years. However they are family and they love my husband…so I’ve made it a point to be at family parties and to be a part of their lives. And they are a part of the lives of my children/family. My oldest two are teenagers and my youngest is almost 10, and they clearly understand how to love those who have different beliefs than them or who make different choices than them. And 17 years after marrying my husband, I love his family like I love my own. Family relationships can be challenging and it’s always possible that there’s more to the story than what we get from that letter. However if at all possible I think we do have a responsibility to love and show kindness to those in our families… As well as those outside of our families. I don’t know if this is necessarily the way to think of family members but for me at times it has felt helpful to remind myself that as Christians we have been commanded to love our enemies and pray for them that despitefully use us and persecute us. When it feels hard for me to love someone because of the way they are acting, for me I find it helpful to remember that verse and tell myself this is a chance to practice that. Can we promise the reader that everything will turn out okay? That her children for sure will choose to follow God? Of course not. No matter what we do as parents we can’t guarantee that. However if we learn to love those who don’t choose to follow God now, then while we will still be saddened if our children make different choices when they grow up, I think it will become easier for us to continue to love them regardless of what they choose.
At first I have to say I started reading and went NO NO NO. Then as I read on I had to agree with the article. The only thing I would add is to have good boundaries. Some times depending on the circumstances we will plan to leave within a certain time frame or we will refuse certain circumstances (example – while on vacation with extended family 3 years ago we refused to eat dinner together as one large group in a restaurant because it would have been pure chaos) I think there is a balance to what was written a little beyond what was termed abuse. Sometimes it is just time to go. My kids are of age now to know that sometimes their Uncle(s) say things that are wrong and they become opportunities for us as a family to talk about what not to do and how that is wrong. Another example is last fall my brother stopped by my house with his fiancee and her daughter and stayed overnight. My brother proceeded to drink A LOT of wine from dinner into the night. The plan was for him to sleep in the basement with my youngest son as a kind of an uncle to nephew fun night. My brother while not visibly drunk was drunk. I told Grace we were moving my son to a different sleeping zone as we were not going to allow that situation. My brother didn’t even notice. In fact I think he liked it because he had a private exit so he could go to his car and finish off the rest of his wine. My Mom taught me that family is always family no matter what. We choose to get along with them all even if there are some that are little “out there”. If we have good boundaries for ourselves and we are their out of Love and we do our best to lead by example then we are doing God’s work. Even if those people do not see our example we might be planting seeds. It is also an opportunity to show our kids in a “controlled” environment so that when they do get into the real world they know what to do. Cuz there is always 1 in the crowd LOL.
Thanks for the great and timely article Sheila! Question for you and readers – how would you handle family who does not respect boundaries around addiction recovery (alcohol/porn)? If they insist on serving alcohol, watching movies with nudity/graphic sex scenes at family events?
This one is tough because addicts need to own their addiction, and they aren’t getting drunk or watching porn, but the fight is so hard. Thanks for advice.
Hey, Anonymous!
Wow, that is difficult. Sheila’s in Australia and is only able to check comments periodically, so I’m tackling them for her while she’s gone. 🙂 So she may chime in later, but in case she’s not able to I wanted to make sure your question got answered.
Addiction adds a whole other level to this, for sure. I think that it helps to have pre-determined boundaries of what that person needs in order to stay away from the addiction. If that means not seeing any sort of graphic scene in a video, then it is perfectly acceptable to say, “this is what I need from you, my family. If you can’t do that, then I just can’t come to the events anymore.” And if they decide to watch a graphic movie, you leave. You stay until then, and then you leave.
I’m not sure with alcohol since I’m just not as familiar with alcoholism as I am with pornography addiction. I’d be tempted to say that the end goal of alcoholism recovery is to be able to be around others who are drinking and still be able to not drink yourself, because not ever being able to be around alcohol is not a sustainable solution to alcoholism in today’s society. But if you’re at a place in recovery where you can’t be around it at all, maybe it could be framed as a temporary solution with family members? (For the next few months, this would help me a lot.) But is there anyone else who could chime in?
Regarding movies, what I like to do is offer an alternative. For example I bring some Parks And Recreation DVDs, and after some convincing people agree to give it a chance, and love it!
Or if they really want to watch a movie with graphic scenes in it, it is quite easy to go out to the kitchen or the balcony during those scenes.
Regarding alcohol… I have not had that addiction myself, but from what I know about it: nothing is worth the risk, RUN!
Great idea about offering an alternative! I love that.
Oh, if they were watching inappropriate movies around me, I’d leave for sure. When a movie’s on your not building relationship, anyway. And I think it’s okay to say, “we’d love to visit with you, but if you’d rather watch a movie, I think we’ll take the kids and go now.”
If you mean that they don’t respect YOUR boundaries because the alcoholism is on your side, then I’d just ask them to, and then if they won’t, I think it’s okay to not go to family functions. An even better idea, though, is to invite people to your house. Then you can set the tone for everything!
Boundaries are key, exactly. And I think there’s a difference between “going along” and accepting people where they are at. You can accept people where they’re at and not sacrifice your own convictions in the process. For example, the moving your son to a different sleeping zone just shows good common sense!
Good call, Phil! Leaving your child with someone who may be drunk is NEVER a good idea. And we do need to protect our kids around family members for sure.
My husband’s family is very similar and mine is not always respectful of my wishes with my kids who are 3 and almost 2. But I’m realizing it’s not healthy to shelter kids from bad as I was raised. I think it’s more important to talk to them about what they see and let them know why we do or don’t do things “that way”. Explain why uncle so and so is having a rough time and not being kind. Or grandma drinks too much and that is her choice but we choose not to for whatever reason. Talk through that we don’t do certain things but we don’t look down on people who do.
HOWEVER I have the right to welcome into my home and ban from my home whomever I choose. My sister is bipolar and has been hateful to my kids and makes them cry. I don’t invite her to my house. My mother in law hates me and is very passive aggressive. I don’t invite her either. But I can’t tell other people who they should or shouldn’t welcome into their home. If I choose to go to my mom’s that is accepting the fact that my sister will be there and I just have to keep a close eye on my kids.
Such a good point about choosing what’s in your home, versus choosing what happens in someone else’s. Great point.
Oh, absolutely! If anyone is abusive towards your children, they’re not allowed anywhere near your children. Absolutely!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I really am. That’s a lot to carry.
I agree with this article. It is a good opportunity to talk to your kids about your values and why you don‘t participate in certain stuff but you still can love the people. Anyways they will sooner or later encounter drinking and cursing etc so it‘s good for them to see how to stick with your values and still love people and how to draw boundaries. You don‘t have to endure everything. You can choose to leave if it goes to far. Also pray with your kids for unsaved family members. For us this has on several occasions turned to some pretty strong and funny witness and rebuke from our kids to their uncles… (just recently our 5 year old son rebuked his uncle and told him that he will go to hell if he continues to worship Satan with his dark video games… we never used these words, but that was his interpretation of our conversation with him why we don‘t allow him to watch his uncle play those graphic games)
Oh, I love that! Out of the mouths of babes…such a great point. When we pray with our kids, then they understand the situation better, and they can see it with Jesus’ eyes (Jesus loves these people, and it makes Jesus said that they act that way). The problem comes when kids are supposed to “respect” their elders no matter what, which somehow means finding no fault. Of course not! Kids can see with their own eyes. And if they’re allowed to love and show grace while understanding what’s going on–all the better.
I just feel I should comment on this, I love the heart of this article, about loving as Jesus loves. But I am so concerned as I have read these types of stories so so many times where the Christian parents, trying to reach the unbeliveing family put their kids in really bad situations and the kids get molested or something like that. I do agree its so important to reach out to people with Jesus love, but use care. Don’t cast your pearls before swine as Jesus said. My own parents are some of the most loving and caring people I know, their home and resources are open and shared with absolutely anyone in the name of Jesus. But when my siblings and I we’re little kids, they did things much more cautiously for care of us. The Bible says if you don’t care for your family you are worse than an infidel. And I think that can be true in some situations where the imphasis is on loving and reaching the unsaved at the cost of the children. It’s not right at all. However, there are things they could do, even if they decide not to get together very often right now, for instance she could have the kids make crafts and care packages for Grandma, they could have the grandma over to their house. Her husband can reach out thru text, or other ways, meet for lunch, etc. with his brothers in a loving “I care about you way”, and she could send notes of encouragement and kindness to her sister in law to be there for her. I wonder if the Holy Spirit is giving her this discernment because something really bad is about to happen. Maybe I’m way off and this isn’t the case at all, I just have heard so many stories of childhoods ruined by evil uncles who prey on little children while parents are trying to “reach out”. It’s not worth it, they can do other things to show love and reach out by God’s grace. When the kids are older they will be strong and able to speak up and deffend themselves and then I would think that it would be different. Of course I don’t know her and maybe I’m miss-reading the situation. I do so appreciate your heart in this, we need to reach out with Jesus love!
Grace, I’m glad you brought that up, because that’s so important. And you’re right–uncles are one of the biggest dangers when it comes to childhood abuse.
I think participating in big family events doesn’t have to mean that children are alone with uncles, though. (when we were all together, the kids were always downstairs, and the adults upstairs. And frequently I went downstairs with the kids!)
But, yes, I’d always either stay near the uncles, to make sure they’re not with the kids, or stay near the kids. (And, honestly, if you ever actually fear something specific, that the uncle is looking at a child funny or trying to get opportunity to be alone with the child–get out! That’s a big danger sign. And abusers don’t need us to sacrifice our kids for them!)
I agree with what you have said, Sheila, but I feel like there’s a step of the process missing. The woman who wrote the question is still struggling to come to terms with the situation. Her extended family at this point in her life is not what she expected it to be. She never envisaged this kind of disconnect.
I would say to her; Give yourself some space for a little while to grieve and come to terms with what IS. It is not what you wanted or expected for your family. It is far from ideal. You will need to experiment a little with the dynamics of your family now. You will not be able to be as close as you expected to be, but they are still family and you still want to be as close as is possible and sensible. Draw on God for strength and grace to implement some of the things Sheila has talked about above, but the first step is to be willing let go of the image you have in your mind of what your family should look like, and come to terms with what is.
When I read this woman’s letter, I was very dismissive of her attitude as unChristlike. But I think you’ve made a good point. Adjusting your expectations to what you have to work with is a very reasonable step that could help. Thanks for a thoughtful comment!
Mary, I think you made a great point about the stepping back and dealing with what is the actual reality. That does take time, and healing and acceptance needs that time. I am not advocating judgment, but discernment is crucial when raising our kids. My husband’s family had some very colorful behavior early on, and continues at times today, thankfully to a lesser extent. In order to not judge, I made excuses for everything and our kids were watching the behavior witnessed to them from about age 4 on. We had some years of character correction for them about what is acceptable at family gatherings because they had seen not so good behavior modeled and I didn’t want to judge, so just remained silent. I take responsibility for that, but I would say it is ok, and just, to name a behavior for what it is and talk to our kids about the behavior if it is sinful. Just leave out the judgment of the person. I had a hard time separating the two and felt if I was talking about their behavior I was judging them. I have learned that advocating bad behavior really wasn’t loving them anyway. I love my husband’s family and we make it a point to be involved in their lives. Now that most of our kids are teens or young adults, they get it. They love their aunts and uncles but can discern behavior that is not edifying, and I’m not talking about prudish things, but real issues. So, hopefully the OP. can have that time to step back, accept the reality, love them anyway, and learn to discern behavior and be motivated out of love to want more for them. And lastly, not be afraid to use appropriate boundaries.
I read this and I feel like *we* are the black sheep. At least having grown up in a very conservative family. I mean, we drink occasionally and have alcohol at our home. My husband cusses, although he tries not to in front of people who are bothered by it. Our kids are allowed lots of things with magic or fantasy, even rather dark (“demonic?”), which my nephews and nieces are not allowed.
I’m really glad my family doesn’t write me off or judge me because I do things differently than they do. I’m glad they don’t forbid our kids from playing together. I respect their choices–I don’t serve alcohol at family gatherings, I don’t suggest games that I know will be offensive–and they don’t pull away from me as if I were a leper.
Maybe imagine how you would feel about it if *they* were the ones considering whether they could really handle your presence and influence on your kids because of your different lifestyle.
Good point, Eliza–often we forget to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes in these situations. 🙂
What would you do about gay weddings of cousins and siblings?
I honestly don’t know, you know. But here’s the thing–they already know what you think. And they’re both going to be in your family. I think we have to ask–which action will bring people closer to Jesus–going to the wedding, or not going to the wedding? And that needs to be how we frame the question–which action will bring people closer to Jesus. I think we often focus on doctrine or making a point, but we ignore the people in the process. And so I think that needs to be the question, and it really will depend upon your relationship with them.
A lot of people can relate to this article. It is a reality within a lot of families and it can create conflict but how you state the solution will definitely not hurt anyone. As the saying goes, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
What about inviting unmarried couples into your home. Especially those that live together/you know are sleeping together? We recently had some family that was potentially going to come stay with us, but they are unmarried. I wanted to be welcoming, but wasn’t sure how to handle sleeping arrangements.
This is a great article! I had not thought about it from that view point. I’m in a similar situation as the letter writer except that the person is my husband. We were both raised in Godly homes. His family was extremely religious from around 8-late teens. While dating he said he was a believer, went to church with me while he was visiting me,(I lived in Georgia, he in Alaska. We did meet before I moved from Ak to Ga) and we discussed that we wanted to our kids to be raised to love the Lord. We have been married 4 yrs now and have one daughter who’s 3. Because of childhood hurts from churches he wants nothing to do with them. I knew when we married he cussed some. My sheltered mind thought H or D words. But the reality is that it’s F this every other word with lots of others sprinkled in.
I don’t know how to talk to our daughter about it. I’ve talked to him about it and he doesn’t seem to care that she will copy him. Thankfully she doesn’t speak super good yet so it hasn’t come up yet. I pretend it isn’t happening so as not to make it a big deal of it.
How would you handle this???
Hi,
Out of interest what would you do you had a family member who a history for sexual abuse young girls and women but flick over a new leaf? How would you deal with that with children if you had any if you wish to maintain a relationship with the family member?
Hi Kiwi Girl–NO QUESTION. He does NOT have access to the kids. Ever. You can maintain a relationship without the kids. Your children’s safety comes first, even if it makes for uncomfortable conversations with the family member. And if they say, “don’t you trust me?” You can say, “The fact is that you have hurt young girls in the past, and so my primary concern must always be for my own children. The law says that you shouldn’t have contact with children.” If he has never been convicted or accused of a crime, though, and you know he committed one, I’d think carefully about reporting him. That may be necessary too. And if he’s in contact with kids in other venues (teaching Sunday School, for instance), I’d think of notifying them as well.
Someone may very well have changed, but you simply can’t gamble a child’s well-being on that chance. You can’t.
Hi, Thanks your point of view:)