Can you quit masturbating?
That’s what one of my readers challenged himself to do. He knew it was hurting his marriage. He knew it was hurting his sex life. And he knew it had to stop.
I have some great men who read this blog, too, because they’re looking for help with healthy sexuality. And one of them sent me this story, which I’d like to post. He wants to remain anonymous, but I thought his story was so important it had to be shared!
I’ve written before about how masturbation in marriage can be so dangerous, but I love his points about what he learned after quitting masturbating–and how he managed to do it.
When I think of the word “masturbation,” the first image that comes to my mind is my shy, lonely and anxious pre-teen self, trying to fall asleep, thinking about all the times I felt embarrassed at school and at home earlier that day. The second image is my grown-up and married self, seemingly confident and well socialized, but actually remaining the same insecure pre-teen inside. So much is wrong with that second image.
First of all, it is a very bad strategy to carry one’s childhood insecurities into adulthood by exploiting a biological mechanism to get endorphin on demand and never truly grow up, never face and resolve them. Secondly, in that image there is often a screen with pornographic pictures on it. And there is also my wife that I’ve lied to for years, whose trust I’ve betrayed, who feels that there is something wrong, but doesn’t know what just yet.
Porn and masturbation habits typically go hand in hand, but for me masturbation was the older, stronger and more insidious addiction. I used to believe that masturbation is a natural need and cannot be quit, and that it does not affect sex in any way. I used to believe that women who expect their husbands not to masturbate do so simply because they are not familiar with male physiology. I used to believe that porn can be quit without quitting masturbation, and that that’s the right thing for me to do.
Today, almost 8 years since I quit masturbation, I know that none of that is true. Sex is a very powerful bonding agent, and getting sexual relief on the side strongly decreases its bonding power. Quitting porn without quitting masturbation typically just leads to replacing one type of stimulus with another, without any actual change happening. A woman whose husband masturbates feels that she is not enough for him, that he doesn’t feel a special connection to her, and that hurts a lot.
Here are some of the steps that I took that helped me quit:
1. Realizing that quitting is actually possible was a very difficult first step
But then I remembered the different times in my life when for weeks I was too happy and busy to even think about masturbation. Helping at my grandfather’s farm, summer camps, holidays at the beach, etc. If during those times for weeks I would not even THINK about masturbation, then it cannot be a physiological need!
2. Those periods of not craving masturbation were characterized by four things:
Being happy, not being alone, a lot of physical activity, being very busy. The first two of those four cannot be guaranteed: we cannot avoid being alone and unhappy every now and again. But the third and the forth are things over which we do have control. So I started working out regularly, as well as taking more work to keep busy and challenged.
3. It is important to develop a strategy for the times when one is unhappy and lonely
I found a lot of good suggestions online: journaling, cold shower, ten push-ups, etc. I use a combination of physical exercise and journaling that works well for me.
4. The first month or two, some physiological adaptations occur, and that period is very difficult.
The prostate needs to adapt to the new frequency of release. The important thing to know about this period is that it is not that long and most of the discomforts are temporary. And that working out helps a lot.
5. Once I focused on quitting masturbation, that made quitting porn very easy for me.
When you are quitting masturbation, you are trying hard to avoid all stimuli, and to not even think about them. With time, I built a reflex to quickly push away inappropriate thoughts before they could affect me. This, in turn, makes quitting masturbation easier as well.
6. I read about “semen retention” and the successful sportsmen and musicians who practiced it.
It was undeniable that I could also feel many benefits: stronger immune system, more energy, more desire to work out, etc.
7. After some time of struggles, relapses and physiological adaptation, I was starting to think that quitting masturbation is not that impossible and that it might indeed be beneficial in many ways.
Then I decided to challenge myself for one year, and to see at the end of the year if the benefits were really there, and if it got easier with time. Committing to a limited duration is much easier than committing to quitting for good, even when the latter is the long-term goal.
8. It is common for men to think: I can quit masturbation by replacing it with more sex.
In practice, that’s not such a great idea. Sex should be about love and unity, and not about feeding an addiction and getting stress relief. My wife was absolutely not thrilled about the idea of serving as masturbation replacement: on the contrary, she was righteously not interested in intimacy with somebody impure who hurt her so much. It is very important to accept that rebuilding trust and intimacy will take a long time.
9. By the end of the one year challenge, I had gotten rid of many bad habits and had built some new good ones.
And I had one new tool: the powerful thought of “I could do this for 1 year, so why stop now!” Continuing after that point was much easier. For me personally it never became completely easy, and I had to learn to manage my expectations in that aspect: even now, after almost 8 years of sobriety, some days are difficult and require focus. But the big advantage is that even though that struggle remain difficult at times, it makes the struggle with porn and lust easy.
Have you or your spouse had to deal with quitting masturbation in your marriage? What are some things you found helpful? Let us know in the comments below and help some couples going through it now!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We stopped masturbation in our marriage about a month after my husbands last relapse with porn. That was almost a year ago. Sex is so much better when you learn to rely on each other and to give pleasure and receive pleasure.
This is exactly how I did it. Different story but yet the same. The opening thought on masturbation reminded me of a guy who started this process with a letter of goodbye to his masturbation. I absolutely hated it. I stll do. I thought it was stupid. But it was a mindset for him. So what do I know? Were I come from we use one day at a time or even One moment at a timeTo get through the physical challenge. the article talks about physical and emotional but I would add a spiritual component. Without that I will return to my old ways. God is the power I rely on to stay away from my old ways. Today God uses Grace (my wife) and grace. I couldnt fathom going back there for all that has been shown and given to me. I must continue my constant spiritual growth and strengthened relationship with Him. For my problem is in my mind but is only an arms reach away!
Phil, I agree. good points, good article. Although for me, the porn was harder to stop. That being said, I echo what you said about the spiritual component. As far as I’m concerned, it would have been impossible for me without true repentance and taking full responsibility for my actions. Stoping porn and masturbation will not work with earthly sorrow, because earthly sorrow is about self. Godly sorrow, on the other hand, is is focused on the offense my sin is to God and to others, the pain I have caused in others, and it leads to repentance.
Hey Sheep – Either way you stroke it – viewing porn or doing hand to hand combat – it is all masturbation. What you are talking about I call mental masturbation. That is why it was written that porn and masturbation go hand in hand. There certainly are a lot of double entendre’s in this reply LOL.
Phil, Sheep, Christina,
Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree that there is a very important spiritual component, and that to win over this addiction you need to embrace your faith, abandon yourself to it. I just have very hard time talking about that because for years I had closed that part of my heart to any help from above. I was very bitter and angry about being the way I was and not the way I wanted to be. Now, looking back, I know how wrong I was, and that I was never alone. But that’s how addiction works: makes our brains come up with ideas that make everything harder in order for it to stay for longer and try to dominate who we are.
This was an Interesting post. Thank you for sharing! Before my husband and I started dating, he had quit porn. However, he struggled to quit masterbating. We both thought once we married this problem would go away since he would be getting regular release. I see now that this was naive of us. About 1.5 years into marriage he confessed to me that he was struggling again with it. The best thing for him was confession and then accountability. Once he told me & saw the hurt it caused me, he never wanted to see that again. For about a year after that he wanted me to come to him once a month & ask him about it. Now he has another man to share his struggles with & keep him accountable. It seems to me that he had/has a lot of shame & that did not help the situation. He also did not grow up with a healthy view of sex. His parents never talked to him about it so all of his info came from friends. This makes me feel the weight of how important it will be for us to talk openly about sex and even masterbation with our kids and help them instead of trying to avoid awkwardness.
As his wife, I tried to be understanding and not condemning when I was hurt. It’s been another 1.5 years since he told me & he has struggled but not masterbated. I still struggle with not feeling like I am enough but I’m thankful for God’s grace & ability to heal hurts like this!
I also wanted to add that my husband was not a Christian–surrender his life to Christ–until he was 19 and was only able to quit porn and masterbation after that because of GOD moving in his life. God was the only who ultimately healed him, my husband was the one who had to give it to HIM and not try to do it all on his own. That is when he would fail but God can use our failures to draw us closer to Him and that is what God has done for us. Thank you to the man who was brave enough to share his story and his wife for helping in his healing as well!
“he has struggled but not masterbated” – that’s also where I am at, and I seem to be stuck at that stage. But I think that if I improve at dealing with stress and anxiety, that will improve too. If his habit was linked to anxiety, as is often the case, the same might be true for him. Wishing him to stay strong!
Sheila… thank you so much for publishing what my husband wrote!! We always dealt with these things in our couple, privately behind closed doors, never brought our issue anywhere, until we found your blog. We had our fights and disagreements and sometimes felt like closed in small box. It feels good to share these things,, when wonderful people answer with comments about how they went through the same and discovered the same!!
I wrote a big, long comment, but it wouldn’t let me post it. I am going to shorten it, but try and keep the important parts. Basically, I used to masturbate almost every day back in college. I kicked the porn habit when engaged and the masturbation shortly into marriage. Now, my wife and I have sex only once a month, and sometimes skip months. I now have wet dreams 2-3 times a month and also (trying not to be too graphic) have semen come out sometimes when I pee and my entire groin is sore for awhile after. I never had either issue when I was masturbating daily in college.
I have told her about the physical as well as emotional problems with our slow sex life, but she always says she’s too tired or it’s not a good time when I approach her about having sex. I’ve tried doing things around the house and going out of my way to show her I love her, yet our sex life remains the same. She always gets upset when I try to bring up our sex life, but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I’ve read so many of your posts, Sheila, and I wish we could read the “31 Days to Great Sex” book, but nothing I’ve read has helped me so far, and I don’t think I can get her to read that book with me either. Does anyone have any suggestions, or does anyone have similar problems to me?
I don’t have wet dreams, but I’ve had the other thing you describe, and it is indeed unpleasant.
Longer periods without sex do happen in real life: illness, business trip, hormonal dis-balance, a lot of work and stress and fatigue, etc.
When that becomes systematic:
a. it is important to look for the root cause, maybe with the help of a therapist?
b. I have found it vital not to put pressure on her: a mistake I have made multiple times. Also, in the discussions, not to focus on how much you need it, the physical aspects, etc., but on how you miss her and need her and want to make her happy.
I am a woman and have masturbated all my life. I can still remember as a child being “caught”, and what a shameful feeling it was. But I became addicted. No pork involved.
Even after my husband and I got married, I used to masturbate with him sleeping beside me! And I was refusing him sex at the same time!
I finally went to counselor, and one day he asked me if I wanted to stop. How could I tell this man of God, in the presence of God, that, No I didn’t want to stop. So I said yes. I wanted to stop. But I really didn’t want to.
The first 30 days were brutal. My husband & I still struggle with our sex life, but now I know that I am not betraying him. God is good. I honestly didn’t think that I could stop. April 1st was 10 years of sobriety!
No porn involved.
Thank you so much for sharing this story! So many couples are struggling with this and our culture makes it feel very lonely and impossible. It’s helpful to hear the topic broached at all, but especially hearing a male voice speaking from a place of victory is so powerful for other guys. Thank you Flo and husband for being willing to share.
Sarah, thank you for your kind words.
I completely agree that “our culture makes it feel very lonely and impossible.” So many times I read that masturbation is harmless and healthy, and that all men do it all the time. What do I know, maybe for them it is, but I could always feel that for me it was a key element of a part of me that was rotten, that was a bundle of fears, frustrations and lies, surrounding me and blocking me from fully living and feeling.
Even more lonely and impossible for my wife back when I was not ready to fight this fight.
It’s actually my husband’s past masturbation habit that led me to find all of you Marriage bloggers in the first place! He used to think it wasn’t wrong as long as he was thinking about me, but I couldn’t shake how hurt I was every time I caught him. I googled it and found both you, Sheila, and Jay Dee, and I finally understood why it bothered me SO much and why I felt so betrayed, especially because we have sex very regularly; we try to connect at least every three days or so, so that means 2-3 times per week. I felt like I’d NEVER be enough.
Anyway, we had an amazing talk where he admitted he had no idea it hurt me so much and he agreed to stop. No idea if he’s slipped up or not, but I let him know that I *want* to be enough and I want him to turn to me every time. So I guess I don’t really have a problem if he approaches me out of that physical need, because it means that he trusts me enough to come to me in all that vulnerability. That said, he’s never worded it that way, so I have no clue if that’s what he’s doing. We just still make it a goal to connect sexually in some way every couple of days, which I assume also takes away some of the draw to masturbate because he knows it won’t be long until we are together again.
Overall, I think the biggest change was the decision for BOTH of us (I have had my own sexual struggles) to direct all of our sexual energy toward one another. It has been AMAZING. I’d never go back.
WOW – he’s very blessed to have you in his life!
Hello Kay,
For me, and for many other women, such frequency feels so painfully out of reach, either because of hormones and menopause, or sickness, or stress and being busy, or intimacy and psychological issues, or because it hurts and is uncomfortable at times, or any combination of these and so many more possible issues. And then we feel even more desperate than you were that we will never be enough.
But maybe, and that’s what I grew to believe, it is not so much about frequency, but more about his attitude, his mindset, his habits. Even without so awesome frequency, he can choose purity if he wants to. And he can see that that makes him a better man, purifies his thoughts.
So maybe it is not about us not being enough, it is about society making it normal for men to grow with addictions and expectations incompatible with the reality of married life and the reality of being with another human being who also has problems and needs.
Great article, thank you both for writing and publishing it. I am a higher drive wife (HDW ) who developed a nightly masturbation habit during ages 13-18, and worked really hard to overcome it during college with Christ’s strength. I went to biblical counseling and was able to identify it as a stress coping mechanism, which I’d never realized. That’s how the Lord gave me victory: by strengthening me with other healthy coping habits and a much deeper understanding of Union with Christ.
Fast forward: free from the habit, I get married, enjoy terrific sex life, but I discover I have the higher drive – I’d love to have sex every day or every other, my husband can do 2-3 x week, which is very normal and good for us. (That’s when I discovered TLHV, and am a faithful reader!)
THEN THE CHILDREN CAME. With the stress of pregnancy and 2 small children, the NEED for coping with stress became greater while the TIME to cope was drastically cut. Old habits crept back in, and I battle daily to avoid masturbation and porn (I know it would be easy to add a complimentary sinful habit, yikes!).
The hardest thing for me is feeling like “it doesn’t hurt anyone.” My husband and I have talked about it some, and he’s asked me not to masturbate; he is a man of few words though. I fully agree with Sheila and J Parker’s thoughts about masturbation being unhealthy for my marriage. But those endorphins are so nice… As the higher drive spouse, it can be really hard, esp at the front end of my cycle!
This article reminds and encourages me to keep fighting, and that it IS a big deal, even if it doesn’t FEEL like it is.
Do you think it would be wise for a woman to never masturbate for the rest of her life?
I am not sure: I guess it depends on the person and the circumstances. As far as I know, for a woman it can lead to very strong and lasting suppression of the sexuality, which can lead not only to marriage problems but also hormonal dis-balance… So I don’t know.
@ Becky— I echo Dean in that it depends on the circumstances, and without knowing yours it’s difficult to say one way or the other. I will say, though, that were my wife looking for a release or an orgasm, I hope she would come to me first, asking me to provide/assist, as it’s something that I would do for her and with her happily and eagerly as it’s an opportunity for intimacy. The ability and opportunity to bring her pleasure would be a gift to me as well, and something that I would want to share in. Her masturbating, to me, would circumvent that chance to be close.
Yes, Greg, that’s exactly the issue–by making this a solo activity, you block off the chance to be close.
We have a different sort of marriage that most of you here may not understand.
First off, I don’t do porn. Hubby, sometimes, does. It is rare these days.
He and I both masturbate because, one, I cannot stand sexual intercourse anymore. It is way too painful. I’ve been to specialists, who could not help me. I’ve bought and tried different creams, etc, to help. None have.
My husband is now on medication. He can’t get an erection anymore.
We are very happy in our marriage, both Christians and are senior citizens.
It is the way our lives are and we are fine with it, although I don’t like the porn. But I am not going to tell him he can’t or shouldn’t be watching it. That is his decision.
Hi there! (Sorry for not commenting on earlier comments; I’m still in Australia and just got wifi).
I totally hear what you’re saying about health issues making intercourse impossible when you’re older, and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, especially the pain.
And I also understand the need for sexual release. But it seems to me that there are other options available–you could still be very intimate and give each other release without needing intercourse. It sounds like you’re creating parallel sexual encounters rather than something you can enjoy together, and even though you have physical limitations, you can still be together. I just wouldn’t want you to miss out on intimacy.
Thank you so much for sharing this story, it has helped me to understand how things can be from a male perspective.
Mel and anyone else (regardless of gender) whose lower drive spouse has requested they stop masturbating — it’s fair that you state your desire to channel your sexual energy solely within the marriage AND they agree to sexually engage when you initiate (unless they’re physically unable to). The sexual engagement can be any shared experience — sexual intercourse, your spouse cuddling you while you masturbate (which my wife sometimes does to me) and any other shared sexual activity.
This is a reasonable quid pro quo. Both partners are replacing a bad habit with a habit that brings them closer together. If the lower drive spouse doesn’t agree to increased engagement, their request isn’t fair, as it communicates they are not part of a solution and generates resentment (which I experience das the high drive spouse).
A month ago My life and marriage fell apart. My husband got home from work came in and gave me and or teen daughter a kiss while I cooked dinner and then instantly went out and pulled porn up on his phone. I went out to ask him how his day went and caught him. For the last month he has joined a 12 step program goes to counselor and his slowly develop the content to which he was masturbating. We’ve been married 12 years. I can’t look at him without my skin crawling ,I find myself attacking him at every turn. I don’t know what to do or if it’s even possible to save our marriage. I have absolutely no respect left for him.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Shattered! I can just imagine how you’re feeling. That’s so sad.
But you know what? It sounds like your husband is taking accountability and getting help. That’s a good thing! It will take some time for him to show you that he is serious about change, and it will take some time for you to be able to trust him again. But I’d recommend talking to a counsellor yourself over the next few weeks, and trying to practice just praying for your husband and praying for yourself, and not focusing on the gross stuff. Let God do His work, and you take a step back and see how it goes. I’m sorry for what you’re going through!
Thank you Sheila, I do plan to see a Councelor. I am trying to stay until the anger passes but the content to which he was watching is just so incredibly horrible. I won’t say what it was only that it wasn’t only porn, much more extreme. I do pray for him & want him to stop. Don’t know if I can remain in our marriage.
Hi Shattered – I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is shattering and not only does it hurt from discovery forward but also works backward to taint memories that were happy. You didnt deserve it and it’s not your fault.
Right now you are dealing with trauma. It’s horrible. It does pass. I would encourage you to wait on decision-making until the trauma subsides since he is actively seeking help – UNLESS you feel there is a safety issue for you or your daughter.
In the meantime, here are some resources that helped me:
Books:
“Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal” – Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
“When Your Husband is Addicted to Porn: Healing Your Broken Heart” – Vicki Tiede
Websites:
Blog of survivor and online support group: http://vickitiede.com/pornography-support/support-groups/
Blog, education center and support group (this one is secular, but still provided some validation)
http://www.posarc.com/infidelity/interpersonal-relational-trauma-irt
I’m so sorry again. I’ve been there and it is indescribably painful on so many levels.
Dean and Flo, thanks for sharing your journey so candidly. Do you have any advice for the wife whose husband has a masturbation habit? At this point, I just pray. I know it’s been a long-term issue, but I honestly don’t know to what extent, because he hides it from me as much as he can and doesn’t want to discuss it.
He’s a strong Christian and a good person. He’s very generous in every other area of life. I try to focus on appreciating him, but honestly the sneaking and hiding and secrecy have killed a lot of my love for him. I have never said no to sex–in fact, I’ve tried to force it, even when it was painful for me, because I’ve been paranoid that his issues come from needing more than he’s willing to ask for. He told me he didn’t like me pushing it, so I stopped. I don’t know to what extent he is on the spectrum of normal, and I do try to keep perspective that men and women are different, but honestly the masturbation, along with other habits, make it hard for me not to see him as an adolescent obsessed with playing with and touching himself. He also has very severe PE, which also contributes to me seeing him as an adolescent. I know my attitude is not helping anything, but I really don’t know what to do except pray for God to help me love him.
Is it possible there is an anxiety problem underlying both masturbation and PE? If you talk to him about anxiety, rather than about masturbation or PE, maybe he will see you want to help, and open up progressively?
That’s the funny thing–he’s one of the least anxious people I know in most areas of life. I’m not sure that he’d acknowledge that either the masturbation or PE are actually a problem. Although if he didn’t think the former was a problem, I’m not sure why he would hide it or refuse to discuss it. But in general I would not characterize him as being anxious at all.
@ Jo—
I don’t pretend to know the intricacies of the issue or your relationship, but even if he’s not outwardly showing anxiety, his masturbating may be his way of dealing with the PE, as the solo time would be comfortable, judgment-free zone. As a man if I were experiencing PE I would feel saddled with a weight of feeling like a failure and inadequate in my wife’s eyes and presence (especially in our culture which is so performance-driven—which itself I feel as a burden). The insular privacy of masturbation would provide a setting where things are under greater control and don’t have to be explained away or apologized for.
Greg, I agree about performance-driven culture, and I have seen people who build incredibly good ways to hide their anxiety. But not from their spouse!
Jo, if anxiety is not a factor, that is actually very good thing, it should be easier for him to quit. Maybe he doesn’t know why masturbation is a problem, or that it can be quit? Marriage is the sanctified exclusive union of two people, and subjects like masturbation cannot be taboo between husband and wife. It is one thing is he disagrees on masturbation, if he has the wrong ideas on it that many men have… but if he refuses to even discuss it with you, that’s disrespectful of him, as if you have nothing to do with that, which is so untrue, as you are sworn to each other.
Personally, I believe that masturbation is not a holy and pure thing to do before marriage. I honestly don’t understand why some actually encourage it for young people. It was something the enemy used as a stronghold for years in my life and something I hated because I had no peace when I did it. Being someone who was constantly striving to remain pure in body and mind while I waited for my future husband, masturbation was bondage for me and the only way it was broken was experiencing Christ at a level I had not yet known.
All that to say, I have been married for three years now and the Lord has richly blessed our sex life despite what satan tried to take away from me earlier on and for my husband as well who was addicted to porn at one point in his life. BUT, I have a question. Sometimes my husband likes to watch me “play” with myself because it turns him on a great deal and I experience the same thing with him. The problem is that this often times reminds me of both of our pasts that were shameful for us, thus taking away the pleasure for me in the end. I have never told him this, because I don’t want to take away pleasure for him, but at the same time I keep wondering if I feel this way because it’s STILL wrong to do. Is it? Or do I need to allow the Lord to help me see that He is doing a new thing by making it holy through marriage? Also, in the meantime should I talk with my husband about how I feel?
Megan–I have really bad wifi as we travel so I can’t write a long comment, but I’d honestly say that if you’re doing something together, and you’re enjoying it, and it’s bonding you, and you’re becoming more vulnerable together, that’s honestly okay. It isn’t the same as before you were married. And your’e showing each other how you like to be touched, so that’s also kind of enlightening! 🙂
Thank you for your response, Sheila! I actually talked with my husband about it and we made a simple adjustment that doesn’t take away anything for either one of us as God continues to help me through my feelings. Thank the Lord for truly loving and understanding husbands! 🙂 Blessings!
While currently unmarried, I will agree to disagree. Although I will say that I have several years ago been able to stay physically celibate with myself for the course of about 9 months to a year. Didn’t regret that by any means, but now I don’t think I can/desire to do that again any time soon. Anyways, I think the association of it with porn can be/should be removed from it. There shouldn’t be guilt. I struggled with it for the longest time and thought God was going to strike me down. Overcoming that and realizing that guilt was misplaced, and maybe even a tool of the enemy, was empowering. Once I stopped obsessing over trying to stop, I think that in itself helped me be so much less compulsive about doing it . I believed God has led me here and helped me used masturbation to even effectively to avoid porn. Though for some people where they are at, this may not be the best for them. Not my place to say and vice versa. And for married people,there should be open dialogue/mutual agreement about it. Sometimes doing it even works out better for couples of uneven drives. Once again, discussion and mutual agreement etc there.
Hello Lazo,
“Sometimes doing it even works out better for couples of uneven drives.”
Maybe that can be the case, but my experience has been different. I have higher sex drive than my wife. If I masturbated, I would be telling her: you are not enough for me to be sexually satisfied. She would feel guilty for having lower sex drive than me, which would make sex a painful subject, would make her want it less.
Wood very good article.I used to musterbate alot at a minimum of 4 times a day, Despite being an addict it never affected my marriage life.We had lots of sex.
My addiction/ watching porn stopped immediately when I started praying to JESUS CHRIST my LORD and saviour. It has never clicked in my mind again. So I give glory to HIM because he does the impossible to possible,Amen.
I thought the original post was great. However, where I struggle is when a post regarding one man’s personal experiences is extrapolated in a way that implies all men and circumstances are essentially the same. The impact of a lack of sexual release is not the same for all men and not necessarily tied to an endorphins addiction and lack of implied discipline or maturity.
I too have chosen to stop masturbation and now going on a year. God has removed the desire but I always have to be careful. It was a choice I made to honor and cherish my wife but comes at a cost physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am now to where I hardly ever consider it. I too avoid any non-relational stimulation and that helps some. However, the timing of my need has never “adapted”. Anything beyond a release about every 72 hours is physically and emotionally difficult. I too workout (jogging), etc. but it does little to help change the frequency of need. The frequency, even though I am nearly 60 has never really changed from my twenties. Actually, as my wife and I have become more intimate in all areas (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intelectually) it drives my need even harder. The physical tension and energy levels get extreme after about the 72 hrs and keeping busy to distract comes at a cost of feeling like the activity is just a desperate draining frenzy. I have to also work hard to stop the activity so I actually spend the time with my wife that she needs. Busyness is not very a very good solution for me. It has impacts.
In that none of the options the author suggests works for me I routinely have to simply endure tough periods. I also believe that options between my wife and I when full PIV is not practical or is simply too much for her is not an act of just maintaining the endorphins rush, it is also compassionate. Those options too are intimate but I work hard to ask only when things are especially tough. She is sweet to help. So, I will continue to endure some difficult physical and emotional periods. That’s o.k. too as any truly good relationship will always require some sacrifice even when we do our best to meet each others needs. God has brought great restoration to our marriage, great and growing intimacy in all areas. With all this said, I do believe stopping masturbation serves a marriage well. But stopping does not always work out the way author prescribes. Some things we endure for greater gain.
Hello Jan Ewing,
You are right that this article was more of a personal experience than advice. And I agree with you that most of the time the “need for release” is still there after several days or even less. But what happened in my case, and I have read that others achieve it too, is that after some time it becomes easier to ignore that “need” and to function without noticing that it is there in the background.