Porn hurts families.
It’s that simple. Porn is not harmless, no matter how much it may be portrayed as something “fun” or, at the very least, a “victimless crime” (as if those in porn aren’t victims themselves – porn is inseparably linked to human sex trafficking).
I don’t know if it’s all the sex scandals rocking the American church right now, or the emails that I’m getting, but I’m very burdened by the porn problem again. All of these pastors who abused kids in their youth group, or who sexually harassed women–I wonder how many of them had porn as one of the underlying factors? I’d be willing to bet quite a few. And I don’t want to be fear-mongering, but folks in the UK have been grappling with this problem, as a growing number of murders have occurred shortly after the perpetrator watched violent pornography.
Good people get sucked into porn. People from good families. People who honestly want to live for God. But they start watching it, and because of porn’s effect on the brain, they need different porn and weirder porn to sustain the same excitement. So while they may get started with stuff that is relatively innocuous, it’s all too easy to soon be watching extremely degrading and violent pornography. Indeed, most porn on the internet now is very violent.
Porn is serious. In 2016, Utah passed a resolution that stated that online pornography is a public health crisis. Seven other US states and the government of the UK have done the same. The National Center on Sexual Exploitation recently published a policy brief on porn’s public health effects.
I’ve written before about the effects of porn on your marriage and your sex life, but I want to take a step back right now, because what I really want to do is to stop the problem before it starts. I hear from so many wives whose husbands battle with pornography, or who think there’s nothing wrong with it, and in the process they’re wrecking their marriages. And it is so hard to stop.
But what if we simply never started? Prevention, it seems to me, is a better idea. So I’d like to dedicate today in sharing some facts about porn and your family that can help you help your kids withstand porn.
1. Not all teenage boys will be tempted by porn or will use porn
Here’s something to celebrate, before we get into the gross stuff. Not all boys use porn! Yes, porn is a huge temptation for many. But when we present it in youth group as “you guys will all battle with us” and “everyone struggles with this”, we make it sound like it’s something that is impossible to withstand. And not all guys DO struggle with porn. Many do, but not all. In fact, a recent survey of Canadian boys and teenagers found that 60% of boys between 4th and 11th grade never look for porn online (though they may come across it or see it when others show it to them).
I have known teenage boys who have started to look at porn because in youth group that’s all they heard about, and they thought they were weird for not seeking it out. So let’s make sure our message is balanced–yes, it’s a temptation, but you can withstand it, many guys do, and you are better than this.
2. Girls use porn, too.
While boys use porn more than girls, a recent Swedish study of high school students found that 53% of teenage girls had ever viewed pornography and that one in three reported watching it recently. Approximately 10% actually said they’d like to watch more porn than they currently do. A particularly concerning finding of the study is that girls sought porn out because they are curious about sex. This is where people are getting their sex education!
3. Most children see pornography first at home
In a study from Middlesex university, nearly 60% of children age 11-16 reported viewing porn for the first time at their own home. They first accessed porn through a variety of devices: laptops (38%), cell phone (33%), and desktop computers (24%). Keeping our homes as safe as we can is imperative, and there needs to be serious conversation about preteens and teenagers using mobile electronics like laptops and cell phones in a safe way.
4. Children often stumble upon pornography
More children initially stumble upon pornography than seek it out, a recent study found. Peter Wanless, the head of a large children’s charity in the UK focused on preventing sexual abuse (The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) told the BBC, “A generation of children are in danger of being stripped of their childhoods at a young age by stumbling across extreme and violent porn online.” And I know this is an anecdote, but it’s sobering nonetheless: a teacher embarked on a study of parent-child communication on porn when she saw an advertisement with a topless woman on the sidebar of a children’s entertainment site on a student’s screen during class.
5. Kids often see porn for the first time at 12 years old
Covenant eyes did a survey that found that the average age kids first see porn is 12 years old and that 90% of boys and 60% of girls will be exposed to porn before the age of 18. An Australian government survey found that nearly half of teens are regularly exposed to sexual images.
You CAN protect your kids!
You can make sure that kids won’t inadvertently stumble upon porn on the internet at your house. I’m an affiliate for Covenant Eyes, and a firm believer in setting up filters for our kids. And you get a month free when you sign up with me!
You can protect your computers, tablets, iPads, and phones. And they have GREAT resources to help you talk to your teens, too!
6. Most parents don’t know their kids are watching porn
Parents often underestimate the extent of their teen’s risky online behavior according to a 2013 study. They found that factors that predicted underestimating these behaviors included: “a permissive parenting style, difficulty communicating about online risks, and household environmental variables such as having access to a private computing space.” Keeping our heads out of the sand is so important, as is talking to kids about these important issues.
7. Porn use is progressive
People may start with the “playboy” type pictures, but because of the effects on the brain, they keep needing new stimulus. Porn use escalates: frequent users will often find they need to use more porn and that the porn needs to be more extreme for them to get the same result. Now, not everyone who uses porn ends up in the hamster wheel of needing more and more different types of porn… but many do.
8. Porn can make boys look down on girls
A group of expert witnesses in a panel discussion with UK Members of Parliament discussed the effects that online pornography has had on sexual harassing behavior in schools. They reported that girls had increasingly begun to wear shorts under their skirts in order to prevent boys from revealing their underwear on the playground and noted that they felt that the increased acceptance of sexual harassing behavior in UK schools is due to the proliferation of online pornography. That’s absolutely heartbreaking.
A review article published in 2017 in the journal Dignity by John D Fubert noted,
“I came to the realization that the secret ingredient in the recipe for rape was not secret at all… That ingredient, responsible for giving young men the permission-giving beliefs that make rape so much more likely and telling women they should like it, is today’s high speed Internet pornography.”
A recent study of boys in the UK found that almost 40% of 13-14 year old boys and 20% of 11-12 year old boys wanted to copy the sexual behaviors they saw in porn videos. And then we wonder why so many marriages struggle with healthy sexuality!
9. Porn can make girls tolerate violence
A study published in 2010 found that over 85% of porn videos include physical aggression. Think about that for a moment–most sex that is in porn is VIOLENT. Dear Lord, help us.
How have we come to the point where something that God made to be so beautiful, so intimate–has become so twisted?
Sex is now a weapon used against women, not something that can bring us together. And if watching that porn gives someone sexual arousal and release (since porn is usually paired with masturbation), then it’s very likely that when you’re in a relationship with an actual human being, tenderness and affection won’t be sexy. Only rough stuff will be. And it’s not just boys who expect this. In 2006, a study was released which showed that girls who viewed porn were also more likely to experience sexual violence. Why? Because that’s what we accept as normal. That’s where we’re getting our sex ed, after all.
10. Viewing porn affects body image
This data comes from adults, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t also apply to teenagers. Women who used pornography reported lower body image in a 2008 study. In the same study, men who viewed porn were more critical of their partner’s bodies. This is a less dramatic problem than increases in sexual harassing behavior, but it points to the fact that using porn trains you to see people in terms of their bodies–what can they do, how hot are they, can they turn me on–and it doesn’t show people to see women as whole beings.
In light of all of this, what can we do to protect our families from porn?
We can’t guarantee that our kids will see pornography, but we can help to foster a home environment that would allow them to come and talk to us if they get into trouble (More on what to do if you catch your child watching porn here!). Let them know that it’s normal to be curious and to be tempted, but that you want to help them avoid some of the more serious consequences of porn use.
And that’s so important–frame it in terms of wanting the best for them, not in terms of wanting to shame them. When we only talk about porn as “something God hates” or “a sin” or something like that, then it’s hard for them to talk to us. But when we say, “God doesn’t like porn, and here’s why.” and give them the reasons that porn is so bad for us, then it makes it easier for them to seek help.
But, to be honest, I’d rather that kids had a harder time accessing porn in the first place–and that they didn’t inadvertently stumble onto something!
Remember: most porn users started because they saw something by accident.
We can’t avoid all accidents. We can’t stop them from seeing porn at a friend’s house. We can’t stop it all. But we can make it less common and easier to avoid. I’d recommend all families check out Covenant Eyes (and you can try it for a month for free with this link!).
Please, let’s stop this and protect our kids’ future marriages and well-being. It really does matter.
What have you done to make your house a porn-free place? What are some challenges you’ve faced? Let’s talk in the comments!
[adrotate group=”33″]
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
http://www.gretaeskridge.com/blog/2018/2/28/protecting-our-children-from-pornography
Check out this blog post, it has a resource guide at the end to help parents protect their kids from porn!
This is such an important conversation!
Deception seems to be one of the most dangerous aspects of pornography in that it facilitates a man’s desire to live in a safe illusion. This probably was not as big a problem in the day when all there was were strip shows. At least the women were real. That said, internet filters are an interesting concept, but computer savy kids will get around them. I think the most effective antidote to illusion is truth. We need to be more conversant with our young boys, not on the subject of sex, but on the nature of women and attraction, and channel them into marriage sooner rather than later. The problem I see with adult men in marriage is not that they are addicted to porn, but that they don’t know how to seduce a woman, specifically their wife. They gravitate to porn, generally because they are lazy and fear rejection. When found out, they’re sent to a Christian counselor who usually has no clue about attracting women himself.
I think we need both filters AND conversations that are truth-filled. Since most kids stumble onto porn by accident in their own homes, internet filters helps prevent that from happening. But that’s definitely not enough–we need to be talking about it honestly, openly, and without being afraid to talk about the tough stuff.
But yes, I agree that porn isn’t the only thing that needs to be talked about, Doug–there are many layers to this problem.
Rebecca, you are definitely right about many layers. I also think we must look at the female-porn connection as something different than the male.
Porn isn’t good, but no, most online porn isn’t violent. That often-cited study that Sheila refers to which found 88% of porn scenes are violent included playful slaps as violence. That study is disingenuous. And the study doesn’t include amateur porn, which might be the most prevalent porn online now, and which is usually non-violent.
Hey Thomas – The study uses the words aggression as does Shiela. Sheila then uses the word violence but the article depicts that aggression /degradation and violence may be separate. In addition the article is written by and or for the organization Violence Against Women. So I see your point however the key here is that aggression is associated with porn regardless. I can speak from my own experience that Porn made me more angry. I have a theory that the reason for this is because God designed us such that we become confused when we disobey Him. In turn this causes anger. I could write more on that but that is the gist. Also, I really don’t see the point in defending porn.
“playful slaps” are still violent, Thomas, especially in the context that they are often presented. A slap hurts. It just does. While it can be used playfully, that’s only in consensual relationships, and most porn is not consensual (given that she has to be high to film the scenes). As for amateur porn, that’s just as bad. And Thomas, please stay away from it. Please.
Sheila, my issue with that study is that it was done by people who wanted to find porn violent, so it was very biased. If a scene was 15 minutes long and had just one soft slap on the butt in it, it was deemed violent. That’s not being honest, is it? When that 88% figure gets passed around, people think that 88% of porn scenes have choking or punching or something like that in it, and it’s just not true.
And how do you know that porn actresses are high when they do scenes? I did a quick Google search and I read famous porn actresses (with names I recognize) saying that they don’t take drugs on set. Now I’m sure some do, but some don’t.
I’m not trying to defend porn. I’m really not. But it’s not right when a statistic gets spread around that is deceiving and inflated. One can consider porn to be a monster, but let’s not make the monster bigger and meaner than it really is, right?
Any study will have issues, and all statistics have an acceptable variance rate. Porn generation and use is hard to study for a number of reasons, not the least of which is finding control groups and truthful participants. That being said, violence is common in porn, and whether the true statistic is 88%, 64% or even 48% doesn’t really detract from the point. The study points out a lot of concerning trends that are worth talking about.
Having seen first hand what this does to families, marriages, and especially men, I would rather have more voices erring on the side of caution – especially since there is a billion+ dollar industry throwing its resources around saying that there are no consequences. Double especially because my kids won’t really have a choice on whether they are exposed – only how they respond.
Sarah, what I hear you saying is that it doesn’t matter if the anti-porn voices perpetuate lies, since the pro-porn lobby perpetuates lies. I don’t like that approach – I think error has to be countered with truth, not more error.
Plus, as a sometimes user of porn, I don’t want people thinking that I’m watching violent porn, since I’m not. (after all, if 88% of porn is violent, then I must be watching violent porn, right?) If the truth is that 48% of porn is violent, then no one needs assume I or any other guy watch violent porn.
Thomas, curious what you mean by “a sometimes user of porn.”
Doug, about twice a week.
Thomas, I’m sorry that you were introduced to porn as a child, and I’m sorry that it has impeded your ability to have healthy relationships. I really am.
I am, however, concerned that the comments may be veering in a difficult direction for many of my readers. This is a marriage blog, and I know that most women who are here come here to get help for their sex lives. Some of my readers I’ve been talking to on my Australia tour have said that it’s hard for them to comment on some of the posts when so many guys with difficult sexual problems are already commenting.
I am sorry for what you’re going through; but I’d ask that you just understand that my readers also need a safe place to talk about their marriages and sex lives, and hearing from a guy who by his own account watches porn and subscribes to many of porn’s beliefs about lust, etc., (as some of your previous comments showed) makes it hard for them to feel safe.
I do want you to get help; I really do. But arguing here about whether or not porn is really that harmful is not helpful to the women who are here. You are obviously struggling with getting into a healthy relationship and with getting a healthy sexuality. I think you know what you need to do–you need to belong to a porn recovery group and you need to admit that what you are doing right now is hurting you, not helping you. You need to get real with God. So can I suggest that you concentrate on that? I really do wish you the best.
Thomas, am I correct to assume that by “use porn” you mean masturbate? What does your wife think of this?
Doug, I don’t have a wife currently. I got into porn like most men, as a boy who mistakenly thought that girls would come to them the way that boys come to girls.
Thomas, I really like what you said here ‘error has to be countered with truth, not more error’.
from personal experience (both as a porn user and as the spouse of a porn user) I back up the studies that show that people tend to ‘seek out’ more violent and out there porn, and eventually find normal arousal difficult to achieve. It saddens me that there are so many people out there who struggle so badly with this issue, and it terrifies me, knowing that the problem will probably be worse rather than better for my sons generation.
Please, for the sake of your future relationship/s with women, for the sake of the people you are watching/using in porn, and also for the sake of yourself, stop watching porn! Stop while you still can, and it doesn’t have to be a lifelong issue that could ruin an otherwise amazing relationship with a special someone. You deserve better than an impersonal online video release. Seek the help you need.
Thomas, your porn use indicates God is driving you to find a wife and marry. You should make this an urgent priority. Consider the words of Martin Luther:
Thomas — You need to learn how to attract and seduce a suitable woman. You need to learn how to turn her on til death do you part. This needs to consume you starting right now, before you marry and tie the knot. I’m sure you read the many comments on Sheila’s blog written by wives whose husbands are consumed with anything but sexually satisfying the women they married. Their husbands are still waiting for the girl to come to them. Opportunity knocks for you. Your last reply is telling in that it demonstrates you have already learned a vital first lesson. I know the Lord will give you success.
Doug–I’d have to say that better advice is to deal with the porn problem. Marriage does not cure porn; to marry without dealing with a porn problem will only bring heartache to everyone.
This is in reply to Doug, but I don’t see a reply button to click there, so I hope this works!
Doug, I totally disagree with you that Thomas or anyone else who currently uses porn should look for a wife. I feel a huge amount of compassion for the men who got sucked into the habit as boys, and now they’ve been doing it for years. My husband fits into that category. But no matter how much compassion I feel for his younger self, his porn habit is one of the major things that destroyed our marriage. A guy needs to desperately want free and get clean and stay clean for a length of time before marriage. Because I promise you, marriage won’t fix a porn habit. It may distract him from it for a short time, but what happens when she doesn’t want to do some of the stuff he is used to viewing? What happens when she’s on her period and doesn’t feel like it? What about when they have a baby and the doc says no sex for 6 weeks? He’ll be using porn again.
Totally agree, Ashley. Marriage does not cure porn. Porn use rewires the brain so that what is arousing is an image, not a person. It makes sex into something about power and selfishness rather than intimacy and love. And to marry without dealing with the porn first is to rob your spouse of love, and is especially cruel.
Sorry if I misspoke, I am not encouraging lies. I am trying to say that while the exact statistic might be flawed or almost impossible to determine, it doesn’t change that fact that there is a huge amount of violence in porn and that needs to be considered. It sounds like your concern was more with the reputation of porn users and whether they are unfairly demonized.
The porn users I’ve known have been exposed at a very young age and generally got no guidance (or no healthy guidance) from men in their lives. They also have not, to my knowledge, been into child or violent porn. That makes it very easy to have compassion, and we should.
But then there’s the swath of destruction they leave in their wake; especially when they are unrepentant. First, most of the time you have no way of knowing if what you’re watching is voluntary or coerced. Even if it’s voluntary – what kind of person chooses that life? And what does it do to their soul and their ability to have productive relationships? And yet there you are, celebrating the sin. It’s not loving to the people on the screen. And it does perpetuate the market for human trafficking.
And then here’s what it does in a marriage/family setting.
It’s just horrible horrible poison. I wish you and all our men could be free of it and I don’t always understand why it gets chosen again and again.
Porn — for most men — represents a misallocation of pent-up sexual energy. Porn can only be supplanted not stopped. Porn use is “cured” by intentionally reallocating sexual energy toward loving a specific woman. Marriage provides the only right way of facilitating this intentional reallocation. No, marriage in itself is no cure.
Porn is not only about sex, Doug. If you look at research, it’s also about feeling powerful and dealing with stress because these girls want you, no matter what, and nothing is required of you. There’s much more going on than just sex, which is why porn warps not just your sex drive but also your whole approach to life.
Doug – I think there was a post on here that had a great question about whether delaying marriage etc. was making it more difficult for people to stay sexually pure. It sounds like that’s in line with your thinking, and it’s a great question for debate since the Bible says that drive was made to be strong.
That being said, it sounds like you think that it’s actually impossible for a man to abstain from sexual release. Am I understanding correctly? I find that confusing since God asks us for sexual purity over and over again. I also then wonder about all the saints who chose a life of chastity within the priesthood. Are they all secretly masturbating and entertaining lustful thoughts?
I’m curious for your opinion. I’d like to think better of men than that. I’d like to think that all things are possible in Christ. I’d also like to raise sexually healthy sons who do no harm and honor God. I’m not sure how to do that if they are at the mercy of their sexual drive with no hope of maintaining integrity until/unless marriage.
Sarah — Generally speaking, it is impossible for a man to indefinitely abstain barring a rare supernatural enabling as in the case of the apostle Paul. As a boy growing up in the Public School, every boy I knew was attracted to porn like bees to honey. It was simply hard to get. Today it is ubiquitous. Men should marry sooner rather than later. It is not a good thing that our culture puts the making of money and success ahead of marriage, and treats marriage as the capstone of success, instead of the cornerstone it is. As for celibate priests, Martin Luther spent much of his time calling out the celibate Catholic priests of his day due to their rampant, albeit secret, fornication, whores, and bastard children. Luther had been a “celibate” monk in the Catholic church. Pedophilia is rampant among the Catholic priesthood today. Boys/young men in particular need to be coached in the art of romance and seduction, not simply sex.
Doug, I’m kind of wary of you saying that we need to teach boys how to seduce? I’m a teacher, and I’m going to say straight up that boys seem to get plenty of that sort of thing from the media. They don’t need anything else. They need to learn how to respect girls and women, and how to treat them with dignity. I don’t think that any Christian man has any business seducing anyone.
Amen, Christine! Amen.
Doug – thanks for responding, it’s helpful to understand where you’re coming from. I would agree that all people will be tempted by lust – even Christ was tempted, but temptation is not sin. I don’t think I can agree that only “rare” supernatural intervention can result in sexual purity for men. I feel like that completely minimizes the cross, where Christ died to free us from the slavery of sin. I think that’s also at odds with Paul listing “self/control” as a fruit of the Holy Spirit in immediate contrast with “sexual immorality” as the work of the flesh.
If I follow your argument that men will be sexually active – period – then their only hope for redemption is not Jesus, but women. Women are neither worthy nor capable of making men Holy. The other challenge I see if removed accountability – “men, don’t bother fighting because you cannot stop”. I fear for my brothers in Christ if they bring that case to the throne of judgment.
I’m saying this not to be argumentative, but to encourage guys like Thomas who are struggling, and women who are looking for hope. I believe Jesus made it possible for us to live holy lives in any circumstances through the Holy Spirit. Married, widowed, single – you do not have to be a slave to your sexuality or the opposite sex. His grace is sufficient.
Exactly, Sarah. In some of Paul’s lists of sins, lust isn’t even mentioned. Yes, it’s a temptation, but it is not the absolute snare that is often presented as. Men need to be told that they can defeat this; that lust does not need to be a part of the redeemed Christian life; that they do not need to be enslaved by it. That was the point of the series I wrote last summer on how Every Man’s Battle was the wrong approach. We need to see this biblically, not through our cultural eyes.
“We may, indeed, be sure that perfect sexual purity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any merely human efforts. You must ask for God’s help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important sexual purity (or courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.” – C.S. Lewis
Sheila/Sarah — Note Paul recognizes some cannot abstain and advises marriage, not Holy Spirit control:
“But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
There is one very simple and extremely important reason for single men to fight against being drawn towards porn, lust, masturbation, etc. And I didn’t know it back when I was single, which I am still bitter about. It is: if you get into the habit of these things, if you deal with loneliness or anxiety or built up sexual energy or whatever using these things, then you WILL bring these things into your marriage, and that will be really bad: you will end up hurting a lot the one you love the most. I absolutely hate the fact that I brought these things into my marriage. And it is so much harder to quit once you are married, because by then the habit or addiction is well established, and because you have so much more to deal with then. These things are like cigarettes, except they give cancer not to your lungs but to your marriage.
“These things are like cigarettes, except they give cancer not to your lungs but to your marriage.” I love that, Dean! So true. I may make a graphic out of that for Facebook. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing with such honesty.
@Doug:
> Porn — for most men — represents a misallocation of pent-up sexual energy. Porn can only be supplanted not stopped. Porn use is “cured” by intentionally reallocating sexual energy toward loving a specific woman. Marriage provides the only right way of facilitating this intentional reallocation. No, marriage in itself is no cure.
Gross. So basically you’ve reduced a wife to being a husband’s personal blow-up doll. Thanks a lot. As a woman, I do not want to be married to some guy just to be his personal blow-up doll.
And if the blow-up doll (the wife) is sick or whatever, the husband will now have his excuse to cheat or go back to porn (which is still cheating).
I don’t give a hoot what Martin Luther said on the subject. What he said was wrong. While the medieval Catholic Church went overboard on celebrating celibacy, Protestants have by and large gone to the other extreme. Remaining chaste is treated as an impossibility without having a handy blow-up doll nearby. False. And I say this as someone who had an extremely high libido in her 20s, and survived with my virginity intact. You’re just making excuses for a porn addict’s immorality.
Funnily enough, my father thought like you. He thought getting married would fix his porn problem. It didn’t. It just wrecked my mom’s life. Women are not your blow-up dolls. We are human beings made in the image of God. Would you honestly treat Jesus like a blow-up doll? Because that’s what you’re doing to us! What you do to us, you do to Him.
Thomas, I sort of understand what you’re saying, and I think I have some similar frustrations.
So, yeah, porn is bad, and it’s bad for a lot of different reasons–it’s linked to human trafficking, it can be exploitative, etc. But I think the real reason why we should avoid it has nothing to do with all that. If it’s prohibited by our faith, it’s prohibited by our faith, end of story. We don’t need any more reason than that.
When I see stuff talk about porn rewiring your brain (and it does, but so does everything else in the world, because that’s what learning is), and how it makes you violent or lustful, or someone who objectifies women, etc, it can be frustrating. It’s frustrating because a lot of the time, I find secular men (who are statistically likely to all be porn users) to demonstrate less of those traits than Christian men. I’ve seen and heard Christian men say some truly awful things about women that a secular man would be shocked by. So, those assertions ring hollow to me. I know lots of very healthy marriages between non-Christians, and their marriages and families aren’t falling apart because of porn. I was in an abusive marriage to a Christian, and trust me, it was plenty bad without active porn use.
So, yeah, if God says it’s bad, it’s bad. We don’t need to invent more reasons to convince ourselves that it’s bad.
Thank you thank you thank you! For all you do to bring this topic out in the open. Your blog helped open my eyes to what was happening in my marriage.
My husband was exposed at a young age at a friends house, and struggled for many years. He hasn’t watched porn for several years and I still think he has effects from it. He struggles big time with arousal and sexual intercourse in our marriage. And I’m wondering if it’s still just from how badly the brain gets rewired from years of sexual sin. And it was so hard for him to start being kinder to me, I think his view of me as a woman was so warped, that he looked down on me . Once after our second child was born I had pain during intercourse , when I told him he said “sex always hurts for women”. I was devastated at his lack of concern but it was probably also an example of how porn affected him.
These days he is a very caring partner in that area, and we are doing well in our marriage, but I think I almost have PTSD when I look back at those years. Porn is devastating , terrible and has no place in marriage! I get overwhelmed when I think of how I can best teach my three young children about this. Thank you for providing resources and support.
Oh, Hopeful, my heart hurt reading your comment. “Sex always hurts for women”? Wow. That’s so warped. And that’s what porn is doing to our boys, and then those boys grow up to be men. (And it’s warping how girls see sex, too!).
It likely has really rewired his brain. And he needs to learn how to feel intimacy and how to have intimacy be an aphrodisiac (because it can be). If you haven’t worked through 31 Days to Great Sex, it may be a good one to try, because it’s quite up front about how we may need to relearn how to see sex.
I’m so glad you tackle this awful topic! People really need to know where to find help.
I think long-term porn use can be way worse than a “normal” affair, because of how it rewires a person’s brain. I saw it in my own marriage (we’re no longer together). Sex to him is only for physical enjoyment, not emotional connection.
As far as the violent, more rape-like sex, yes, that definitely affects a man. At times when I caught him by looking at his history, I could see a bit of a description of what he had been viewing. Most of it was guys surprising women with acts they didn’t want, etc. No wonder he made comments at times about doing that sort of thing to me or wanting it to hurt.
And if anyone reading this thinks that what you watch doesn’t affect what you want to do in your own life, think again. When I watch cooking or baking, that’s what I want to do. If I binge-watch organizing, I want to tear apart a room and organize. It’s how we are. That’s why advertising is so big!
So true, Ashley! I always reorganize my house after watching decorating shows!
And I’m so sorry about your husband and your marriage falling apart. I’m glad you got help; I hope one day your husband will, too.
I totally agree that long-term porn use can be worse than a one-night stand. I’ve argued that before, too. It bothers me that people will say that any affair is grounds for separation, while long term porn use is not, even though the latter has bigger repercussions on how he sees sex, marriage, and women.
Sheila, I just want to add that I know you have prayed for me and my situation, as have many others, possibly readers on this blog. And you know what? You would just be amazed at the healing in my life in just the last few months. It’s amazing what God can do!
It wasn’t God’s will for my marriage to fall apart. But it IS His will to use the situation for His glory. I really want to help other people who are in really bad situations find the healing they need.
Oh, I’m so glad, Ashley! Jesus is close to the brokenhearted, and He can redeem any situation. I know He wants you to be whole and to live an abundant life, and I pray that He will keep you on that road! Thanks for the update.
Additionally, according to Cheap Sex:
—Porn use deadens religious impulses
—Porn use increases support for LGBTQ
—Porn use affects political view
Marriage and a wife is not a cure for porn.
When I came across my husband’s porn stash I decided to watch some and see what the allure was. I’m so sorry I ever viewed.
Within 5 minuets, my thoughts, opinions, and respect for my husband’s sexuality and male sexuality in general came tumbling down.
Why is porn so prevalent?
What I saw was an ugly twisted side of male sexuality, which, for a wife is scary. I fear my husband’s sexuality. I fear his mind. Trust has been lost. It’s hard work trying to get that trust back. It’s hard to keep looking for the beautify once it’s been tainted.
I’m so sorry, Once Bitten. And I’m glad that you commented, because this is exactly what I’m trying to say.
I hope that you and your husband get through this and deal with it. I have seen so many couples come through on the other side when you get serious about addressing porn. I hope that he will!
I believe porn is the most under discussed epidemic in the Church… everything porn spawns is toxic and ugly. Some think it’s no big deal, it doesn’t hurt anyone – that is a huge lie… deception is one of the evils it spawns… cover up, hide, lie , deceive, excuse, justify… the deception is rarely recognized as many think it’s about lust… lust is one aspect, but not necessarily the most damaging…
deception and objectification (dehumanizing, demeaning, devaluing) of human beings are 2 very serious affects of porn. it also spawns increased selfishness, abuse, violence, divorce, sex trafficking, etc…
over 80% of those who have a sexual addiction, were introduced to porn by someone else. This has to stop…
Let’s not forget Ted Bundy’s last interview before execution (you cand find it on Youtube)
I’m so glad Sheila that you have this blog. It has helped me a lot! I’m only 1 1/2 years into the discovery of my husbands addiction. Sadly my daughter who was only 12 at the the time discovered it. His anger, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse all make sense. I was essentially a ‘blow up doll’ for when he wanted to act things out. It was a circus show to say the least. There was no love or true intimacy. I do have PTSD from all of this. The lies were so bad that I had to have my husband take a lie detector test which he failed. That didn’t help. Now we’re in a loop where I just don’t trust him at all. Without any trust I really struggle to be intimate with him. Like Doug said ‘it’s a cancer’. I’ve gone to S-Anon and read all of the literature. I went to a counselor as well. I have to work on myself and my healing right now as well as my childrens. I worry about my teen children and the abuse they’ve felt from him when he’s lashed out with his anger. I used to ask why he treated me so badly and sadly was lied to and blamed for everything. Hind site is 20/20 and now I wish I would have scooped up my babies 10 years ago and ran. This is a cancer to an entire family…….all because of a circus show.
I’m so sorry! I’m so glad that you’re getting help, though. Kids can get through so much when they’re allowed to talk about it and process it, and it sounds like you’re letting them. And it is SUCH a tragedy. It really is!