How do you rebuild if you’ve cheated on your husband?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman wondering how to restore a marriage when she was the one that damaged it. Often we talk on this blog about what to do when your husband has had an affair–but sometimes it’s the woman who has strayed!
A reader writes:
Reader Question
Great question! I have written a number of posts on emotional affairs–here’s one:
And today, since I’m in Australia and trying to schedule posts ahead of time, I’m going to rerun a post I wrote a number of years ago on how to regain trust after you’ve had an affair.
1. Apologies are Best Expressed in Actions, Not in Words
Saying “I’m sorry” is absolutely necessary when you’ve messed up and you need your husband’s forgiveness. But that’s only the beginning.
What your spouse really wants to know is that you are committed to never having this happen again.
So what can you do to show your spouse that you are changing? In the case of an affair, can you suggest moving or switching jobs if it will take you away from the guy? Can you ask your husband if he will share email accounts or Facebook accounts with you so that he never has to worry about what you’re doing? Can you give him your cell phone and give it up for a while?
In the case of money, can you cut up your credit cards and hand them over? Can you download a spending app on your cell phone that you can share with him to show him where the money is going? Can you consult a debt specialist about the best way to pay off the debt, and then make a plan and share it with your husband, with specific goals that you can show him that you have met? Can you figure out how you can take on the responsibility to pay off the debt, and not leave it all to him? Can you get a part-time job? Start cooking more efficiently and spending less on groceries? Have a massive yard sale?
In other words, putting yourself in a situation where you are accountable and transparent to him, and where he can see that you are serious, will often go much further than a simple apology.
2. Give Him Time to Grieve
Your husband is really hurt. His trust is broken. You, on the other hand, are desperate to know that your marriage is going to be repaired. And it’s very hard to stand in that limbo time, when your husband is trying to work through his feelings. You’ve already worked through yours; you’re sorry, and you want things back to normal again. You want to put this behind you.
But you need to give him time to grieve. That is his right, and he needs to see that you have changed. That takes time.
In this period of limbo, throw yourself on God. Spend more time on prayer. Read your Bible a lot. Join a women’s Bible study. Find some people who can help support you and who you can talk to while your husband is working through his issues. That way you don’t have to crowd your husband and put pressure on him.
3. Truly Repent
Remember that not only have you sinned against your husband; you’ve also sinned against God. Work through your repentance with God. Read Psalm 51 on a daily basis for a time, and pray through it. Develop some true humility. That will help you work this through.
And as you’re doing that, you’ll be able to accept God’s forgiveness, which is very freeing. No, perhaps your husband hasn’t let it go yet. But you can feel restored by God, and He can help you move forward with that new humility and that new gentleness that comes from recognizing that you are fallible.
4. Do Random Nice Things
It’s tempting when he stops talking to you or when he reacts in anger to act similarly in return. Don’t. Simply be nice. I don’t mean be luvey-duvey; sending him love notes in his lunch is not appropriate, as much as you may want to do this. You can’t force the romance back. But you can get up early and make his coffee before he leaves for work, without demanding a thank you. You can take the car in for an oil change without him having to prompt you. You can buy his mom a birthday card so he doesn’t have to, and leave it for him to sign.
You can just simply BE NICE.
You don’t have to announce that you’ve done these things–”did you like me getting coffee for you this morning?”. You can just do them. And gradually, as you treat him well, with respect, you may notice a thawing.
5. Work on Your Friendship
Conversation often returns before the real expressions of love, and that’s to be expected. You only start rebuilding trust one level at a time. Once you are conversing again, and you’re able to be in the same room again, start doing things as friends that don’t require a screen. Get out of the house this summer and go on hikes, or bike rides. Play golf. Do a puzzle. Anything! Just find things that you can do together that are low stress that aren’t necessarily romantic. That way you’re not forcing a relationship; you’re forging a new one.
6. Allow Room for Anger
You may think that several months have gone by, and things are progressing, so he shouldn’t be angry anymore. But it’s often just as you are starting to talk that his anger starts really surfacing. Now he may have a lot of questions–what did you do with that guy? Tell me in detail! What were you thinking when you spent all that money? etc. etc.
When he starts demanding answers, don’t say, “I’ve said I’m sorry! What else can I say? You seem to want to punish me indefinitely!” That may be natural, but he does need time to get his questions out. I’d advise answering them as honestly and succinctly (you don’t need to go into a lot of detail) as you can.
Also, avoid the impulse to defend yourself. “I wouldn’t have had the affair if you had shown some interest in me!” Or “If you hadn’t spent so much time on video games maybe I wouldn’t have felt so lonely!” Those are real issues, and do need to be dealt with. But leave them for another time, or bring them up with a counselor. For now, let him express his anger. Once you have talked about his issues, you can say, “I don’t ever want to be tempted in this way again. Can we talk about how to build our relationship so that neither of us ever strays?” Then you can mention some of your issues–video games, for instance. But leave this until after he has had a chance to deal with his anger.
7. See a Counselor
Finally, when major trust has been broken it’s often a good idea to sit down with a third party and talk things through, especially if your husband has a lot of questions, and you providing answers doesn’t seem to be satisfying him. Sometimes allowing your husband to ask you these questions with a third party present can help you figure out how much to share, and can help put limits on how many questions he could/should ask.
8. Decide What to Tell the Children
I’m a big advocate in not keeping secrets. Children pick up on things anyway, and when they know there is tension in the house, but they don’t know why, they tend to assume that they are the cause of it. Telling your children what you did, at an age appropriate level, is likely a good idea. If you had an affair, for instance, you don’t necessarily need to say “I had an affair”, but you could tell a young child that Mommy did something that hurt Daddy. That way you’re letting the child know that you are the cause of the tension. If they’re teens, it’s likely a good idea just to be honest. They’ll find out one day anyway. Before you tell the kids anything, of course, talk to your husband about it. Say, “this is what I’d like to tell the children.”
But my advice is always to be honest.
During the period of time when you’re trying to get your husband to forgive you, it’s tempting to get your emotional needs met from the kids. You’re heartbroken, so you pull them closer. Don’t do this. It’s not emotionally healthy for them. If you have emotional needs, seek out a friend, not your kids.
If your husband sees you accepting responsibility in front of the kids, and not trying to sugar coat things, that will also go further in showing him that you are serious about your apology, and help your husband to forgive you faster.
If you’ve messed up your marriage, the road back can be very long. But so many marriages have found themselves even stronger several years down the road because they have worked through these issues, and they’ve learned better communication techniques and put in place more boundaries. So don’t despair–fogiveness is possible!
And ladies, if any of you have ever walked through something similar, and had to get forgiveness from your husband, and you now find your marriage stronger, can you leave a comment? That will reassure so many of my readers. And if you have any other thoughts on how to encourage your husband to forgive you, please leave them in the comments, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As a man whose wife has committed adultery, I’d like to add my 2 cents worth. It has been almost 1.5 years since I caught her. (I still don’t know that it is over because she has done nothing to be open or accountable) You should know that our marriage is almost over Because she will not do the things necessary for reconciliation, despite my desire for reconciliation.
Take full responsibility. No excuses, No blaming other, No denials. In the very beginning the questioner says “I did cheat on my husband and I won’t excuse here with his depression, tough character, me taking over all of the duties with kids and the house” Saying those things IS an excuse, She is excusing her behavior with his behavior, She is not taking full responsibility.
Then she goes on to say “Then told my husband. And this ruined everything” Once again, Not taking responsibility. Telling him did not ruin everything. Her committing adultery ruined everything. His reaction is not at fault, Her actions are.
Then she goes on to say ” Unfortunately with his reactions and deepened depression now it seems that fidelity was the only thing he loved in me.” Not only is this a way to put responsibility for the state of
the marriage onto him, But it sets off warnings in me that she might have narcissistic tendencies. It is yet another statement to take the pressure off of herself and put it on him. It minimizes the devastation that her adultery caused. She is taking what she assumes his current feelings are and saying that he probably always felt that way. It is highly likely she has no idea what his current feelings are because he probably isn’t sharing them because he doesn’t trust her with those feelings.
– In the very beginning the questioner says “I did cheat on my husband and I won’t excuse here with his depression, tough character, me taking over all of the duties with kids and the house” Saying those things IS an excuse, She is excusing her behavior with his behavior, She is not taking full responsibility.-
I noticed that, too. Glad you pointed it out.
Agreed, Sheep and Mina, that jumped out at me. Confession is about accusing ourselves, not giving reasons that justified our free will and choice. I was a bit turned off by how that was written.
Wait a second…u don’t like sex…and u cheated? Could that be with your husband was depressed in the first place…little or no sex? And then u went and had sex with someone else?
My guess is she didn’t like sex with her husband because apparently they had virtually no relationship or connection; she wanted sex with her other partner because he had an emotional connection and showed interest in her. So it wasn’t that she didn’t like sex.
My husband had a one night stand, so I say this as someone who understands at least a little about this betrayal – no one knows how damaging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is incredibly selfish and emotionally withholding. Even if there are reasons for it (like depression), it cuts deep and the person doing the cutting never seems to recognize that they’re inflicting harm, and frequently will justify it if you try to bring it up. My husband is an alcoholic and porn user who frequently rejects sex (or conversation or going for a walk or having a meal together….) and it is emotionally exhausting. I have put in a lot of precautions precisely because I am bruised and vulnerable. The choice to make an affair would be on me — but the fact I could even be vulnerable to an affair (at least in my case) would honestly be on him.
This woman sounds like she’s in a similar case — her husband is selfish and emotionally unavailable, he doesn’t help with the house, he doesn’t help with the kids, and she’s working. It’s hard to “feel” married when you’re basically living like a single mom with a horrible roommate. It’s hard to feel connected when everything is all on you.
I’m not the most insightful person, but I feel like there are at least a couple red flags here.
1. “his depression, tough character” to me sounds like it could be a white-wash of anything from real dysfunction, to emotional and possibly verbal abuse. Christian women are strongly trained to give the benefit of the doubt longer than is healthy. Once married, that teaching has the force of institution behind it. Or on the other hand, maybe she’s an emotion-junkie (“Love me! Love me! Loooove meeeee! Now prove it.”), and he feels trapped (and that looks like depression), while also feeling rejected (and that looks like “tough character”).
2. A “working mom” who took “over all of the duties with kids and the house” sounds like she’s in the habit of covering for her husband, which would make sense if she’s spent a long time chalking up low-grade or subtle abuse, or at the very least real dysfunction, as “tough character.” Or on the other hand, she could be very controlling, and her husband just threw up his hands and gives her her way.
“And this ruined everythig” What did it ruin? He was already depressed (?) and a “tough character.” Obviously it ruined the belief that she “did not like sex.” Apparently she does like sex, but not w/ her husband (that’s how it would seem to him)? That’s crushing. Because of that, I don’t really think her assertion is fair, “it seems that fidelity was the only thing he loved in me”. But it didn’t seem to ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Why didn’t she want to have sex with her husband? Did she actually want to have sex w/ her male friend? If she actually “did not like sex,” is she using sex to save people? Manipulate people?
What a mess! Individual counselling is probably the best course – for a good while. For sure, they need loads of prayer – especially for the kids.
Agreed w/ the overall advice.
I feel like both husband and wife should read Leslie Vernick’s books, _The Emotionally Destructive Marriage_ and _The Emotionally Destructive Relationship_
Again, I really think that something is going on here that the letter-writer is glossing over – and the kids are going to get the worst of it whoever is at fault.
Mina, I think that he should read “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” It was an eye-opener for me. My wife is emotionally abuse and our counselor has told me that she is most likely NPD. So I have unfortunately become rather good at spotting it. This letter really triggered me and threw up a lot of red flags.
Sheep – I agree, husband needs to read the book. I’m very glad you did. Question – before you knew about your wife’s infidelity, would you have wanted someone to recommend that book to you?
Also, I re-read the letter, and it looks like letter-writer has issues w/ *both* saving people and manipulating them.
“I try hard to save not even the marriage but the man I love” – she’s trying to save the man she (supposedly) loves (oh, and she is talking about her husband, right? She’s not really clear about the man, though her wording does *suggest* husband.) But like you (Sheep) pointed out below, being “nice” can be a real form of manipulation. Plus your point about how she opens the letter w/ her comment about not blaming her infidelity on his bad aspects which she goes on to describe, then her comment, “I seemed a perfect wife” which she elaborates on (seems narcissistic). Plus (as you/Sheep pointed out), she “completely forgot about” her friends (but now totally wants back in with them)? And the fact that she just tosses that in there like it’s not a big thing to completely forget about your friends. This is messed up.
Mina, I’m not sure what I would have done with that book. We have been married 25 years and, I picked it up about 8 months after I confronted her adultery. This was only after a couple of months of marriage counseling and I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t going anywhere. I was doing everything asked of me by the counselor (the one she chose) I was bearing my soul (even though I was deathly afraid of her) But she wasn’t doing or saying anything productive.
There have always been things that bothered me about her throughout our marriage, but I learned early on to keep my mouth shut. I learned that she wasn’t going to admit to anything, nothing would change, and I would end up paying for it.
After a while, to keep from being hurt, I buried my head in the sand and decided that I didn’t have emotions. I just figured that making my wife happy, ignoring bad things, was just part of loving my wife as Christ loved the church.
I actually would have said that I thought we had a good marriage. Looking back I can see that it was only that way because I learned to walk on eggshells around her and I would cover for her bad behavior.
All through those years I would have probably discounted “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” as being modern psychology. I doubt I would have paid attention to it, and even if I had, I would have been to scared of her to act upon it.
Anyway, I did end up picking up the book and from the first words, it was like the lights came on and I could see everything as it really is. Every one of the statements by those in emotional abuse were the very things I had thought or said. On the test, I answered over half of them as “often” Even with this, I begged the counselor (in private) to tell me I was wrong, to tell me what I could do better to “fix” our marriage, to tell me that she isn’t abusive. She told me that she is extremely abusive and that she knew it from the beginning, but she couldn’t tell me because I had to come to that knowledge myself or I never would have believed it.
Yes, that is an absolutely EXCELLENT book for those in that situation–and I think for the rest of us to be educated on what emotional abuse looks like. I think when you’re not living it, and a friend explains a trial they’re having in their marriage, it’s easy to assume it’s just like a normal disagreement that you and your husband have, because you don’t know what abuse looks like.
Mina, I think you are rather insightful. The part about never being interested in sex and not willing to talk about it. I know he is feeling that one. My wife wasn’t interested in sex and we did have it, she would tell me how thankful I should be that we have it at all because (insert various excuses here) In recent years she told me that she would have been content with once or twice a year so I should really be thankful that she was doing her duty as a wife. That attitude comes through loud and clear during sex.
Then she goes and has not one, but two affairs. What message does that send to the husband? Oh, she wants sex, but not with him.
In their case, she tells us that “she didn’t like sex and was unable to discuss it” Actually unable would be the wrong word. “wouldn’t ” would be more appropriate. She also tells us that she thinks ” it seems that fidelity was the only thing he loved in me” So, she didn’t like sex with him, wouldn’t talk about it, but gave it to someone else. Then, tries to make others feel sorry for her by making the statement that it was the only think he valued in her.
She goes on to say “We’ve tried church help (marriage retreat- didn’t work very well),”. First of all a retreat is well and good, but that is barely a start on what you need. “It didn’t work very well” Why didn’t it work well? Dare I say it didn’t work well because it didn’t give her instantly what she wanted? It didn’t help her avoid the real world consequences of her actions? There isn’t a quick fix and he has biblical grounds to divorce her. If she were truly taking responsibility for her own actions, she should be thankful that he hasn’t divorced her yet. Please note that whatever she has done does not justify sinful behavior on his part.
” couples counseling (therapist switched to individual after three session seeing how much there is to work on, especially on my husband’s side)” Again, she is telling us all how much is wrong with him. She needs to be working with the counselor and doing the hard work to discover what is “wrong” with her. What is it inside of her that brought her to the point of adultery? There are things there, deep inside of her,that need to be dealt with before her husband is going to be able to heal from what she has done.
She says ” I’ve cut contact with the guy, came back to seeing my girlfriends that I completely forgot about and I try hard to save not even the marriage but the man I love.” How does he know she has cut contact? What has she done to humble herself to show him that she has not only cut contact with him, but is living a life to show that it will never happen again? Is she truly showing humility and extreme vulnerability with him (even if he can’t return it right now?) She will have to. And if she truly wants to heal her marriage like she says she does, She will even if she knows full well that he still might reject her, because that is the attitude that it will take.
She forgot her girlfriends. Actually, she didn’t forget them, she purposefully cut them out of her life so that there wouldn’t be any hard questions from them. She was trying to minimize the chance of discovery. And now she brought them back into her life, why? For accountability? Or because she is lonely. Has she confessed to them fully what she has done? Or does she want someone to commiserate with her over “his depression, tough character, me taking over all of the duties with kids and the house” Believe me, these things are going through his mind!
She says she is working for the Catholic church. Does the Catholic church have rules against employees committing adultery? If so, she is continuing to be dishonest by not informing her employer about this. True repentance takes full responsibility for it’s actions, and accepts the consequences that are a result.
I’m not trying to single her out in this, but I think this is probably the attitude of a lot of adulterers, men or women. I am not purposefully trying to be “mean” either. This is just a big dose of reality. Adultery can not be swept under the rug, there are very painful, real world consequences for it.
Wow. Good points. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to think these through by experience.
Sheila, if I may, I’d like to share a resource that I found extremely helpful for couples.
“How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald.
She speaks directly and candidly to the ‘offender’ without being condescending or judgmental. Linda does an excellent job of illustrating the affects of an affair so that the ‘offender’ gains perspective and then gives practical steps for moving forward in saving your marriage. It’s less than 100 pages- an easy AND difficult read, but well worth it.
Oh, thanks, Tad, I should read that! I haven’t taken a look at it, but I know so many people in this situation, so I should see what she has to say.
That is a good book.
Sheila, A couple of things I would like to add to your points.
1. Actions do speak louder than words, but there are a lot of words that will be needed. It’s hard to explain, but the betrayer will have to be totally vulnerable. They have to rebuild “or build in the first place” intimacy. They have to open their very soul to the one that they betrayed. They have to show the betrayed through words and deeds that they are different.
2. Time to grieve, yes. The betrayer needs to feel what they have done to the one they betrayed. They have to grieve not only what they have lost, but what they thought they had in the relationship, but didn’t. They also have to understand the power of flashbacks for the one they betrayed. WE DON’T WANT THE FLASHBACKS! But they are there whether we want them or not. We live their betrayal over and over.
3. True repentance can not be underestimated and should probably be first on the list. Without true repentance on the part of the betrayer, the rest of it is impossible.
4. Nice things are good and they are needed, but only doing nice things is not good. Without repentance, without humility, without accountability, without real change, being nice, buy itself, quickly becomes emotional abuse. Let me explain. When the betrayer is only nice, and there is an absence of all the other things needed to heal a marriage, it tells the betrayed that their feelings, their pain, their very personhood is not important. Everyone is capable of being nice to anyone. I can be nice to my neighbor, even if I don’t particularly like him. In fact, we as believers are called to be kind to everyone but that does not mean that we are intimate with everyone. Being nice, in the absence of all the other things needed to reconcile, is actually selfish because it is just trying to avoid bad things happening to yourself without doing the very hard work of repentance, and reconciliation. And, it is crazy-making for the betrayed. They know in their soul that things still aren’t right, they know that the other person is only thinking of themselves. But because the other person is “being nice” they don’t trust their instincts that things still aren’t right. Then, the betrayer will use their “niceness” against the other person. Things like “but I’m being nice to you” or can you not give me credit for “being nice?” or “but I thought things were going so much better, I’m being nice” like the betrayed should thank their lucky stars that the betrayer is being nice. It tells them “you aren’t worth being nice to, but I’m doing it anyway so that I can avoid bad things happening to me. AND I deserve an award for it!”
6. Yes, avoid being defensive because at this point it will probably come across as blame shifting. If there is a problem that needs to be addressed in the betrayed, bring it up at another time so it doesn’t look like an excuse for bad behavior.
7. Answering questions and being specific. I think this really depends on the personalities and circumstances involved. Some people don’t need specifics and it would only do harm. But other peoples personalities need specifics and without them they will make up their own, which may be worse than what actually happens. I think it is Dr Glass that says in her book that some peoples personalities need to have the specifics to be able to heal.
In my own situation, she refuses to tell me anything. In the beginning I wouldn’t have needed much for specifics. Now, after so long, and seeing that she doesn’t say things that make her look bad or really confess to anything. I do need specifics to heal, but is is for a different reason. I need for her to voluntarily tell me specifics that make her look really bad because I need to see evidence that she is convicted about her sin. I need to see that she can confess sin and work to make it right. I need to see that she can feel how much she has hurt me. I need to see that she has learned humility. It isn’t like she can say anything that will shock me. She hasn’t done anything worse than I have imagined. I have only asked her 2 specific questions and she refused to answer either one of them telling me “you don’t need that information” Well, it isn’t like I don’t know her well enough to know she would have denied it if she hadn’t done it.
8. Yes, the kids need to know (in an age appropriate way). This shows them and the betrayed spouse that they are taking full responsibility for their actions even if there are hard consequences because of it. It tells the kids know that the betrayed spouse is having a hard time (depression, moodiness, spontaneous weeping) BECAUSE of the actions of the betrayer. It shows the betrayed that the betrayer accepts responsibility and consequences for what happened.
To me it sounds like this marriage was a mess before she cheated on him, and they BOTH have a lot of work to do.
I don’t think by her acknowledging some of his faults in her email, she’s necessarily blaming him for her sin. She may be trying to give Sheila a bigger look at their situation. (And I left my husband a few months ago after he repeatedly cheated on me with no repentance, so I know what it feels like to be betrayed.)
Each is responsible for his/her own sin. Her cheating is not his fault. But he has fault too: the way he had been treating her leading up the affair. If she is the only one that changes, their marriage can’t improve.
Ashley, Absolutely, they both have work to do and both are totally responsible for their own sin and actions. I’m just saying that the overall tone of her letter and the way she has said things really sends up red flags for me . It is interesting that she points out more of his faults than her own. All she says about her own faults is that she cheated, and she dropped her friends. (all she is doing is stating the obvious) Obviously it is a really short letter and only so much of the situation can be communicated, but it really left me with the impression that she is excusing herself with his actions. I would also be curious to know if she confessed, or if she got caught. There is a difference.
I also don’t think we can make a blanket statement and say that he has fault too because of the way he was treating her leading up to the affair. The truth is we really don’t know how he was treating her before she cheated. I would agree that many times there is plenty of blame to go around when a marriage breaks down. But that is not always the case. It does not always take two to destroy a marriage, all it takes is one selfish person.
From your own situation, (I am so sorry for that) I would say that it was your husband that destroyed your marriage, not you! I would’t even think to say that we need to look at your fault in how you treated him leading up to the affair. Were you a perfect wife? No. There are no perfect spouses. But now, the responsibility of reconciliation belongs to him. Because of his violation of the marriage covenant, he is the one that is responsible to start the reconciliation process. You can’t make that happen, no matter what you do. If you were to reconcile, would there be things you both have to deal with? Most likely, but his is the elephant in the room that has to be dealt with first. Without that, there is no reconciliation.
Hi Sheep–I think that’s my fault. I did delete a lot of her letter to make it shorter for the post, and it really didn’t have that feel to it. I think she’s having a really difficult time in her marriage, and now she’s made a big mistake and doesn’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to give the impression of her that I did; sometimes I delete too much, but I try to take out identifying information and just make it shorter. Sorry about that!
No problem, I understand 🙂 I can share what I would like to see.
1. Repentance
2. Taking full responsibility, no excuses, blame shifting or denials.
3. Absolute humility. This can’t be done with a prideful heart.
4. Total honesty in ALL areas of life.
5. Vulnerability, a willingness to share those things that make her look bad.
6. Extreme accountability, full acceptance that she has lost the right to privacy, at least for awhile.
7. A realization and acceptance that she has broken the marriage covenant, and that biblically he is not required to reconcile with her. It might be nice for her to tell him how much she appreciates it that he has not divorced her and that he is showing mercy to her and that he is willing to give her and the marriage another chance. That being said, this is not license for him to “lord it over her” or to treat her badly, or to rub what she has done in her face. That would be equally sinful on his part.
I can’t comment about the adultery or whether emotional abuse is present, etc. I would like to encourage the writer to work on saving her marriage. I’m the child of parents who divorced at nearly 25 year anniversary. It is devastating to children, no matter their age.
Secondly, as a fellow Catholic, seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation – often!
Begin praying the Divine Mercy chaplet. Jesus said that “the greater the sinner, the greater the right s/he has to my mercy.” You are never too far gone, nor is your husband, to seek forgiveness and become whole in God’s love.
On your own and then hopefully together, learn about the Theology of the Body. (Love & Responsibility by St John Paul II; or books that are a bit easier to read/digest by Christopher West). ToB is a recipe for marriage success. Sheila’s writings do a very excellent job of providing real-life examples and advice and line up well with these teachings.
Praying for you!
I would add “Seek his heart”. Grief and anger are very heavy and very time-consuming. When a marriage is already in jeopardy, the hurting partner may feel like adding anger and grief will only destabilize things further (not to mention how hard it is emotionally to share your heart in the wake of betrayal). So it’s like being stabbed in the heart- but you aren’t allowed to bleed! Space and counseling are crucial, but having the offending partner take an interest in the pain – in spite of the discomfort it may cause – is also an accelerator to healing and forgiveness. It is a clearly demonstrated change in behavior that says “my spouse’s heart is more important than my comfort”, which is a role reversal from the mind-set of adultery to begin with.
That being said, the wounded spouse will at some point need to confront the reality that even the sincerest and best repentance will never really be able to cover the pain of adultery. At some point you have to make a decision about whether your spouse is trying their best, and if they are, whether you can extend the grace to bridge the gap (and there will be a gap). This is where you need the help of a master builder and grace-giver, so stay close to the word and stay in prayer.
I am not really going to speak to this woman specifically, I don’t have a full picture of the situation from the brief letter above so I’m assuming it at face value and speaking in general on adultery. I hope there will be some women who have been through this situation and seen restoration who can jump on the comments…
Mr. Sheep…my heart aches for you…In my opinion there is only one thing worse than a women in an abusive relationship and thats a man. The isolation and shame is doubled..so sad..😥😥
Thank you Sandi.:)
Hi Sheep,
Your wife is just bluntly arrogant!
I had an emotional affair, never a physical affair.
This does however not make it right, but after almost 4 years, should one still be punished? He found out and he was so angered that he started to physically abused me, yet I stayed because I as wrong and I caused this to happen. After some time, when he would start up an argument, this would anger me and we would argue and physically fight with each other.
He would blame me for everything that goes wrong ” Because you did what you did, I left my job, I cant trust you!” A mistake that was made on my part is having a ripple effect on the rest of my life. We love each other but hate each other in the same sentence if that even makes sense. At that stage we only had one child and he saw everything. I still feel like the worst mother ever and sometimes feel as if they would be better off without me. I am to coward to do anything about it but that is how I feel. My husband cannot say that I have never tried making our marriage better. Our marriage took a big dip but we are trying. Praying and having faith that God will restore our marriage. He still needs to forgive, he is still carrying that hate in his heart. He obviously thinks that I will do it again but he will never be right again. I will not do it again, it hurt to much. Bled enough, had enough bruises and enough heart ache for an eternity. From now on I will do all I can to further our marriage.
Alinda, I’m very concerned about your comment. It sounds like there is a lot of violence in your marriage–that he is physically abusive towards you, and that you are also physically abusive towards him.
And it sounds like he is really emotionally manipulative.
This is NOT healthy, for your or your children. I’d encourage you to please get help. If you are in danger, or your kids are in danger, please call the police. If you both tend towards violence to solve problems, please seek out counselling and learn to stop. Your children must not grow up in this, and you must find better ways to deal with things. And you mustn’t think that you should put up with physical abuse because it’s your fault because of something you did. Yes, you were wrong, but it is NEVER okay to hurt someone like that. Please seek help!
HI Alinda,
Nope, your husband doesn’t have the right to punish you no matter what you have done. God does not give us the right to punish another person. That is reserved for Himself and for governments. There is no excuse for him becoming violent or abusive toward you. He can’t use your actions to justify his own. doesn’t work that way. And at the same time, you are still responsible for your own actions, you shouldn’t put yourself into a position to be fighting him.
I would say that your husband does have the right to see evidence of repentance and change in you (note, I’m not saying that there isn’t that evidence, you didn’t share that part) he deserves to know what you are doing to keep that from happening again and why. I do admit that from what you have said that it sounds like he and maybe both of you aren’t able to be vulnerable enough with each other for that to happen. Biblically, he is to forgive you whether or not you are repentant. But reconciliation is going to depend on both of you working (your tails off) to make that happen.
There is one thing you said that I would ask you to think about and pray about. You said ” I will not do it again, it hurt to much. Bled enough, had enough bruises and enough heart ache for an eternity. ” I hope this isn’t all of the reason you won’t do it again. because if it is, it probably isn’t enough to keep you from doing it again. These are the consequences that your sin caused you. After enough time, those pains and memories will fade. You could find yourself at a low point and high of an emotional or physical affair could seem pretty good and even though you know the pain you had, you might just hit the “override” button. Repentance and change cant be based on you and the pain you felt. Repentance has to be based on the knowledge of how offensive our sin is to our holy God and how much our sin hurts the one who gave his very life for ME knowing full well how much we would sin against him. To a lesser extent, our repentance must hold an element of knowing how much our sin hurt those we love the most. When our dedication to not doing it again is based on our own pain, it is far to easy to block that out and find an excuse to do it again.
My husband confessed to using porn and every time we talked about it there was more and more he had left out of the initial confession. It got to the point where he was thinking of leaving and even having a semi inappropriate connection with a woman at his work and watching really bad stuff in his hotel room while traveling with work. He even admitted to regularly looking at stuff in front of me in the house on his phone. We went through three years of extreme hardship. Both of us. We moved across the country. He broke his back in an accident. Had to get medically released from the military. My dad died with messy affairs we had to deal with, the people who sold us our house lied and concealed 200,000 of damages on our house. Our one daughter was severely depressed and the other was in rebellion. Add another move across the country all in three years. We went through this together. I thought we were a team. Yes it was a lot. I get that but I don’t get his behaviour. It made his so angry, distant, critical and I felt something was off. I prayed for him so much not even knowing what it was I was so burdened for. I’m so utterly hurt. I’m angry yet I know he is repentant. I feel stupid, ugly yet I don’t at the same time. I’m in turmoil. Hardship is not an excuse to sin. What angers me is I have confessed when tempted in my life and we pray together and it leaves. Why couldn’t he do that with me? He was clean for seven years. Married for 21 and it’s been a battle for him. The first time he confessed ( it was revealed to me in a dream and I shared it not understanding it. He then confessed it was him) He walked through therapy, accountability, and many things staying clean for years. A slip up in The early days of the army. Again worked through with pastors, counselling etc. He always confesses to me. The slip up were brief. This one he hid and allowed to essicalate for a year. In fact it’s the worst essicalation ever. One day I’m fine the next I’m so raw and in debilitating pain. I’m committed to him. I know we have an enemy who prowls looking for prey. This time I’m so hurt or allowing myself to not bury it. In the past it was all about him and his sin issue. This time I feel more violated than ever. I’m Leary talking to my friends about this. I don’t want to be another interesting topic of conversation for people.
Uggh! Seriously if you are repentant then give no excuse other than you were lead by your own evil desires. Then you have a real beginning to rebuild your relationship. Then after peace is made with that can you go and repair the cracks in the wall that lead to this invasion of evil into your marriage.
By the way do we even share this with our kids? They are teens and young adults. If so how? They know dad has been angry and full of fits and I’m now depressed and anxious
I think one of the key things to moving forward in these kinds of situations-especially affairs-is to realize that the person cheating is trying to fill a void in themselves.
Therapists usually point out the fact that the person cheating is chasing a fantasy version of their lives. They like the way their lover perceives them, they feel validation and affirmation from this new person thinking that they are awesome, because they don’t feel that way in their life back home (and maybe for reasons that have nothing to do with their spouse) and it helps them to see themselves in a more positive light.
I think it’s key to see the person cheating the way God looks at us when we sin against him-like a lost, confused person trying in vain to seek fulfillment in superficial experiences. If you’re the person that did the cheating, get help not just for your marriage, but for YOURSELF. Do you have any unresolved trauma from childhood or past relationships? Are you depressed? Do you have low self-esteem or low self-worth? Do you love yourself? If you’re broken inside, your spouse’s love will never be enough for you and you’ll constantly try to get validation from another source.
Hope this helps.
In November of last year, my wife of 18 years told me she had lost all her feelings for me. That woke me from a long rut of depression and opened my eyes. I had to become a better man. I’ve since lost 60 pounds, taken up running, see a therapist regularly to deal with my own emotional baggage, and am excitedly considering a career change. Sadly, three months into our “working on it,” I discovered she had been having an affair since August and that it became physical in January and February, while we were supposedly trying to make changes.
She says the affair is over, and I believe I trust her, but she still has no feelings, and even though we are working on it (though we had to pause counseling for a month or so), I feel like we’re just sitting still. It’s so complicated. I am working so hard to make it work, but she just “wants to want to make it work.”
I’ve never in my life felt such pain. The pain of the affair was one thing, but living with a wife who doesn’t care is like a living death. Though, it makes her sad that she doesn’t have feelings. I’ve never met anyone who bottles up their emotions like this.
She said she would start seeing a counselor this week, and I hope that helps, but if anyone out there has hope to offer me, I am losing my grip. I know it’s only been three months, and they say reconciliation can take two years even, but I need something.
Oh, Anonymous, I’m so sorry. That is so devastating.
I don’t have any real words of wisdom except this: Jesus really can do the impossible. And if you cling to Him during this, He will carry you. And no matter what happens, He will still have you. I know this hurts terribly. You don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t. It’s okay to be a mess. But keep reading the Bible, if you can. Find 3-4 verses to cling to and repeat during the day.
The fact that she admitted it, though, and that she is going to counseling is a good sign. This can be rebuilt. And in the meantime, you just have to get through it.
Lots of good advise. As a wife who committed adultry 2 years in and still married 15 years later. I want to say it’s a choice to love and just love him always seeking a little better while finding the little things to be happy about. It will take another of time to heal. We are still not fully healed but while we have had some marrital hell there has been a lot of good too. Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. I honestly would have left my marriage but always knew God was telling me to stay. There was a time I stayed our of obedience to the Lord, not because I wanted to. God can work in any situation and he was faithful to help heal my husband. I am thankful my husband chose to stay also. Your husband has the choice to leave. If he hasn’t I’d take that as a sign he wants to work it out but also is at a loss how to. So be very patient and very honest with him. You will have to be very open with him even when he’s probably not ready to be that open with you yet. Trust takes seconds to lose and years to regain. And will only be regained by not breaking it even in the little things. Know you are not alone and while winter will be long spring will come.
I would like to talk to one of the women that have committed adultery if you have children. I really messed up. I understand that. My husband had been absuive prior to all this occurring and I reacted out of anger to hurt him. I regret my decision so much now. I know i hurt him. We are reconciling. Our kids are young but i wonder what will happen to them in the long run. I never want them to think it is okay. Both our actions were awful. I should’ve never repaid bad actions with worse. I know that now. I won’t type out and say I won’t ever do it again but I do know what situations to avoid and my weak areas to be aware of. I hope someone could reach out to me and offer some advice or their story of how their children took it. I have disclosed the age appropriate situation but I worry when they get older they resent me for my actions.
I cheated my husband 12 years ago. He saw a dream and he knew it before I told it and he already decided to forgive me. Of course he hoped that it wouldn’t be true and he was angry and devastated when I told. I needed to repent my action and that was actually a real battle. I knew I did wrong against my husband but against God- that was difficult to understand and that was a real spiritual thing to see that honestly. Retrust with my hubby it took time and lots of honest talks and me to be willing to deal my issues what leads to this. I think honesty and forgiveness and repentance are the keys for healing and for good marriage.
I appreciate hearing from the women who caused the betrayal, thank God that your marriages were reconciled. I cheated on my husband 6 months ago, and he decided to stay. He too saw it in a dream before I cheated @Silya. The worst part for him is that I lied about it for months tried to cover it up, by saying it was only conversation, I eventually confessed, we still laugh and talk sometimes like it never happened other times hes telling me how evil I am, how I didnt care for him our kids he even started communicating with other women, he told me they sent him nude pics but he never slept with them. I try to agree with him when he start to feeling down, I realized what I’ve done to him, my relationship with God and possibly my kids, i am a PK so I knew I was doing wrong. All he want to know is why I did it. It was very selfish reasons, I just wanted to feel wanted from someone else. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work. He’s a good man , never been abusive, good father
I am looking for some advice. I have been married for almost 22 years & I had an affair 4 years ago. My marriage has been a living hell. The 1st couple of years I felt like I should take everything that he did to me because I was the one who destroyed my marriage. The name calling and belittling has gotten better but I do still feel that he is trying to punish me and try to make me hurt as much as I have hurt him. He started talking to a girl after he found out and was on dating websites but because he never did anything physical then it wasn’t anything like I had done. I made the decision to have the affair I told him it was because of the way I felt about myself. Hedid have lots to do with making me have no self esteem. I’m say this because he didn’t make me have my affair. It was how he treated me. He always put other woman first. I love this man with ALL of me and I want us to be happy together again. I just don’t know what I can do to prove to him that I DO NOT want this to end in divorce. We did go to counseling right after I confessed but when the counselor started focusing on the marriage and not what I have done then he stopped going. I can not even talk about anything with him without him turning it around to what I have done. It’s always if YOU wouldn’t have had your affair then this & that. He says that he has looked for help by reading on line and sending me things to read and that I never read them, but I did and I just never talked to him about them. Its very hard to talk to him because my answers are never good enough or not the answer he would give. I have been to 3 different counselors because he made me feel like there was something really wrong with me. All 3 of them told me he sounded like a narcissist and I would be better off leaving him. If anyone that reads this could give me some advice on things I could do to prove to him that I want this marriage to work please help. I do believe that we could have an even better marriage than before if I could just get through to him. This has changed him as a person and one of the positives from it is that he doesn’t talk to me like crap as often. He used to talk to our dog better than he did the children and I. Thank you!
What if social media platforms offered the option of setting “read-only” passwords on your account? Would that make it easier for couple’s to recover from an affair that has an online component?
That sounds like a great idea! I would love to see that come to be on several sites.
You know, I couldn’t live with it. The internet and affair forums are full of cheaters talking about how they feel bad but the sex was the best they ever had.
I don’t want to live with that in my head the rest of my life. Of course most lie after and say it wasn’t but that’s what cheaters do to save their butts. For me it would be better to forgive and move on alone. I don’t need mind movies and bad memories of how my wife had great sex with someone else. She made that choice and I chose to keep my sanity and move on. And as most professionals will agree, almost nobody says affair sex was bad in their office. Why live with those memories? Build a new life.
This: “In other words, putting yourself in a situation where you are accountable and transparent to him, and where he can see that you are serious, will often go much further than a simple apology.”
Exactly as you say – talk is cheap. I have learned a long time ago that you can’t look at what people say, but you have to look at what they do. Some people will say ANYTHING to achieve their goals. How much they love you, how they don’t want to be without you, you are the only one…. But in reality, their actions say a completely different story. Very eye-opening.