What do you do if your husband just isn’t affectionate?
I recently received a question from a woman whose husband won’t ever show affection. She says:
Reader Question
I take care of the kids alone, the house alone, the cleaning/shopping alone, I work full time and I help him in his business (he’s self employed). I do most of these because I have to, not because I’m trying to be a martyr. Sometimes I do feel that no matter how much I do it’s never really enough. My husband will walk in the house and criticize that things aren’t done his way. The problem that I’m having lately is that I try to connect with my husband, by talking, and I also like to hug and kiss him when he gets home, but my husband doesn’t show affection. I have trouble accepting that he pushes me away when I try to cuddle him. He always has good excuses such as he just go home and needs space, he gets too hot if we cuddle, he’s too tired and just wants to go to sleep (I tell him it’s ok to just cuddle for 10 seconds but he rolls his eyes at this, even though he will spend 15-20 minutes looking at things on his phone before bed). I have tried talking to him about how my heart aches, but when I bring this up he just says “oh you’re upset about THAT AGAIN!” Now I feel like my heart is lost. I go trough the motions of life, but I feel like a shell. Is there a way to accept that this is life? I try to think about it rationally to make sure I’m not making a martyr out of myself, and that I’m seeking God, and that I shouldn’t expect my husband to fulfill my needs. I’m not sure how to stop caring so much about this.
I’m so sorry for her!
The root of her problem, I think, is this: When she got married, she did so because she wanted a relationship. But because they’re not connecting emotionally, it feels as if it’s become a job. She has tasks that she has to do, but there’s nothing beyond it. That’s very difficult to live with long term.
I think how she expressed it is so key as well. She says: “I feel like a shell.”
We all have different emotional needs–different things that we need in order to feel like the relationship is healthy. And they’re genuine needs. As we teach in the FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaway sessions, they’re like “oxygen”. Without them you feel like you’re suffocating.
And not everyone has the same emotional needs. Some people need security and safety. Some need to do lots of activities together. Some need physical affection. Some need lots of affirmation. Some need sex. These aren’t exactly love languages, though the concept is similar.
What do you do when your husband isn’t affectionate? Find out if it’s that he doesn’t understand or that he doesn’t care!
When we’re not getting an emotional need met, we often assume it’s because our spouse just doesn’t care. But what I’ve seen is that this is rarely the case. Usually it’s that the spouse is absolutely clueless. And that’s important to understand, because one of the best indicators of a happy marriage is that people believe the best. Before jumping to the conclusion that your spouse doesn’t care, ask if it could be that he just doesn’t understand?
Keith and I speak at marriage conferences (we do some on our own and some with FamilyLife Canada). Another speaker couple recounted the story of their first time at a marriage conference (that time as participants). When they went, she literally had had her bags packed, ready to leave with the kids. The conference was her last ditch effort to patch up the marriage.
He, on the other hand, had no idea that this was his wife’s state of mind. He was going to the conference because she really wanted to, but it wasn’t until the second day that he clued in that this conference would determine whether his wife left him or not.
Why wouldn’t a spouse understand that you feel like you’re drowning?
I know that sounds ridiculous to those of you who are floundering. How could he/she not get that I’m seriously miserable? So let’s dissect this for a second.
They have totally different emotional needs
Your spouse may have completely different emotional needs. In our letter writer’s case, she seriously needs affection. Maybe what he really needs is sexual contact, affirmation, or knowing the domestic front is in good hands. If your spouse doesn’t share the same emotional needs, your spouse may be feeling absolutely fine, and may listen to your complaints and assume that they’re far less serious than they are, or that you’re making a big deal out of something small, because they don’t understand how big a deal this is for you.
They’re focused elsewhere–often in “emergency mode”
When a spouse spends most of their mental energy outside of the family, they may miss important clues that there is something amiss with the family.
This was the case with that speaker couple. He was a busy family doctor, who was dealing with emergencies all day (both in the office and with politics in the hospital). He was operating at 120% all the time at work, and frequently brought work home. Because he had trained himself to pay attention to things only when there was a major fire breaking out, since so many things were vying for his attention at work that only the most serious warranted it, he often overlooked small things.
At home, there didn’t look to be any fires. The kids were doing well. Meals were made. Bills were being paid. So his wife may talk about how sad she was, but it didn’t “look” like his idea of a fire. He missed the clues.
You haven’t expressed your need in a way that they understand
Let’s say your spouse tends to only pay attention to something if there’s a “fire”, and at the same time you’re not comfortable speaking clearly. Many women have a hard time asking their husbands for help, for instance. So they may beat around the bush and not say things directly because they don’t want to be seen as “nagging”. Or they don’t make it clear how serious this is because they don’t want to be seen as unsubmissive, and they don’t want to make demands on their husbands. But then your spouse really may not see that this is, indeed, a fire.
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They run from conflict because they have a deep seated fear of inadequacy
Finally, someone may interpret any need on your part as a criticism. If you need something, it means that they are somehow “bad”. And being bad is something that they can’t emotionally handle, and so they try to quiet any criticism so that they don’t have to feel inadequate.
I actually was like this for a large part of my marriage, and I’m only slowly recovering from it. Keith can tell me when he’s upset about something, and I tend to minimize it or try to talk him out of it because, since one of my biggest needs is for security, I don’t want to feel like anything’s in jeopardy. I’ve had to grow more mature to see that Keith expressing a need does not mean that Keith wants to leave the marriage or thinks I’m a bad person. (I share a lot more of our personal story in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!)
All of these things may LOOK like your spouse doesn’t care. But that’s not necessarily true at all.
Tomorrow we’re going to look at what to do if your spouse truly doesn’t care about your emotional needs. But let’s assume that they do care, but they’re just clueless. Let me now share a few quick things that I might do in this situation:
Try to spend some time together doing something
Cultivate a hobby. Go for a walk together. Spend a few minutes a day catching up on what happened today. If you want a crash course on this, I have a FREE email course on how to build emotional connection here.
But the more time we spend together, the more we bring the tension level down so that it’s easier to talk about issues, and the more natural time we have to talk about issues. But here’s the key: don’t ask to talk. That can be threatening. Instead, ask to DO something, and you’ll find you talk more naturally.
Ask him what his emotional needs are
It’s rare that one person is getting none of their emotional needs met and the other is getting ALL of theirs met. You may feel as if you pour your life out for your spouse and they don’t see it, but often the things that we are doing aren’t necessarily filling their emotional needs cup, either.
If you want to start a fruitful discussion about emotional needs, then, ask about theirs as well.
See a counsellor and take this seriously
I have never seen a situation like this turn out well in the long run if it is not dealt with seriously. When you are feeling this distant in your marriage, and when you are becoming a shell, that should be a major warning to you that you simply cannot continue like this. You will make yourself sick, and you are endangering the marriage.
So if the first two steps don’t work, then seeing a counsellor is likely in order. And we’ll be following up more with this thought in the next blog post–about how it is okay to have some expectations of your spouse in your marriage.
For today, let’s talk about this: Have you ever had a hard time getting your spouse to understand what your needs are? How did that conversation go?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This right here is me, but I hesitate to ask my spouse to do these small things because I don’t want it to feel like a job for him- I want him to sincerely want to cuddle more and be more affectionate, initiate more, etc., and if I say something, I’m going to be wondering every time if this is something he feels he has to do for me, one more box to check off the list each day, or if he truly wants to do it. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Not even joking, Connor and I had this exact conversation a few weeks ago. 🙂
My love language is acts of service, and the actual conversation we had is, “I know I can’t expect you to read my mind, but my love language wants you to think of what I might need before I even think of it! So what am I supposed to do?”
What I have found works for us is I gave Connor a list of “things that make Becca feel loved.” That way he knows how I think/feel, but he can choose what to do and when, after we also had a conversation about how important these things are, and that if they aren’t done that isn’t acceptable, either. I hated constantly asking him for what I want (it didn’t feel like love if he only did it after I asked), and this has been working for us now for a few months very well.
But it gave him some freedom and it allows me to get pleasantly surprised when he offers to make me a cup of tea or put away the leftovers. I hope that helps!
Christy, I guess I’d just say this–if it is something he needs to check off of his list, is that really such a bad thing? He may genuinely not need to cuddle the way that you do, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. In fact, if he chooses to do it everyday just to show you love, is that really so bad? We’d all love to be married to people who feel love and affection in the same way that we do, but that’s not really realistic. And I think it would end up with boring marriages. There are lots of things I do for Keith because they mean something to him, and that’s why I do them. I think there’s a difference between someone going through the motions and getting upset at you for having to, but if someone is genuinely trying, even if it’s not their “thing”, I think we just need to accept that. I know it’s hard, though. But I think being grateful for the gestures because it shows he loves you is good, too.
While I agree that this shows a love and desire to give the other person what they need, it isn’t always done lovingly. There’s a difference. If it’s something they “check off a list,” that’s fine, but if it’s obvious to the other person that they are just doing it to check off, it can almost be worse because then you know it’s not something that they enjoy. This can make the person who needs that affection feel like they are a burden.
So, while it’s true that checking it off the list isn’t necessarily a bad thing, the heart with which you do it does matter too.
Good points. Intention is everything.
Though, one can lovingly provide for a spouse’s need and enjoy the providing, doesn’t necessarily mean that they themselves Enjoy or possess the same need.
That’s where being appreciative of a genuine attempt is so important. Realizing that your spouse might not get the same rewards from the gesture needs to be “ok”. It can be hard to accept that our spouse doesn’t feel the same way we do about something so important to us.
Sometimes seeing our spouses attempts as disingenuous, when they actually are trying, might be adding to our feeling of disconnect. Sometimes our own attitudes about their attempts is the real problem.
Checking something off a list does mean they do care. They cared enough to put it on the list and work out when and how to do it and then did it. It was very deliberate care.
I have lists and it has bugged my husband in the past until he realized that my putting things on a list is my way of caring.And I have to trust his way of caring too and not dismiss it as some random emotional urge or the like!
His need to have some space and have some downtime to just veg out looking at his phone are also legitimate. The conversation in my marriage changed when I acknowledge that his needs are legitimate too, but so are mine. So we took a team approach and asked, how can we **both** get our needs met, instead of a competition over who had the greatest need.
I also have to start those difficult conversations with the disclaimer that I am reaching out for connection right now, not to criticize. I’ve noticed that pattern in my marriage, where when I feel disconnected from him, I actually end up coming across as all the more needy and desperate, and the more needy and critical I come across to him, the more he withdraws. So I am careful to shape the conversation as requests and bids for connection over what I *want,* and not a criticism over what I’m not getting, if that distinction makes sense. The conversation hopefully goes differently when it starts from “I want to connect with you” versus “you’re not affectionate enough.” If he still won’t respond to that, there may be bigger issues at play.
Recent example. I’ve been trying to talk with him about our disagreements over church/theology (I’ve mentioned some of that here) but this past Sunday I expressed my frustration that he keeps shutting down when I bring it up. He finally admitted that it’s because I am so critical and full of contempt, which caught me off guard because I didn’t feel contempt on my end.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what was actually going on is that I am angry over our DISCONNECT here, not about the church stuff. And the more I tried to “reach out” to him, the angrier I sounded because I was so frustrated that he kept shutting down, and the more frustrated I got the more he shut down! So we had to break that cycle.
We had to write letters because the emotions were just too high, where I asked for forgiveness for my anger and lashing out, but also explained that I am not actually angry about what he thinks I am angry about, that my goal was never to agree on these issues but to just feel understood *despite* our disagreement. Only when we had that mutual goal—understanding and connection—have we been able to move the conversation forward. It’s still a messy work in progress, but it’s a start.
Hey Kay – pretty awesome to hear about your work in progress. I absolutley love watching someone look at themself and say hey – yeah this is my part in it. That is the foundation of personal growth. Nice Kay – thanks for showing us.
Kay, that’s a GREAT way to work something out! And that’s great that you recognized what the real issue was. I’m so glad you shared that–it really does show how to resolve conflict well. I wish you both all the best as you try to navigate this, and I’ll pray for you! I know that’s hard when you disagree on important things.
Yeah.
When the only kiss you get is a quick peck hello, goodbye, and goodnight, it hurts.
When you sit at least one person away, if not on the opposite end of the couch, it hurts.
When the dog gets more affection then you, it hurts.
When you ask for just some simple affection, and are told thats just not who you are, it hurts.
When you’re turned down for sex (again), and offer an alternative of just making-out on the couch instead and get turned down for that too, because “I don’t want start something I don’t want to finish”, yeah, it hurts.
Its no wonder most affairs start with simple affection.
John, you are spot on on each of these points. It’s not just women who have the needs that the original post pointed out.
Ditto!
OMG John, this describes my relationship with my husband. It’s the loneliest place in the world.
ok – I have to jump in here. She sounds like she’s describing my marriage. I did everything alone, took care of everything. Never had 15 minutes of “couch time” or affection. Never could I get him to take me on a date night. We’d have a date once a year at Christmas time cuz it was our anniversary and we were visiting his family (built-in babysitters) He was very critical. Thought he’d be thankful I was doing the laundry (when it was supposed to be his job) but no, he criticized the way I folded it. OH, and my hubby was self-employed too. It goes with the personality. They’re too good to work for someone else and be under authority. They want to be the boss.
Bottom line – turns out he is a diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (There is a lot more to my story. I bet there is a lot more to her story that she isn’t telling either. We won’t speak the entire truth until we are out and safe.) They never change. It was emotional and spiritual abuse being married to him. Narcissists are part of the Cluster B Exploitative Personality Disorder spectrum and it is scientifically proven that no therapy, counseling or intervention can help. It is a problem of the ORGAN of the brain being malformed. My choices were to stay and continue to endure the abuse (exposing it to my children and teaching them that this was normal and ok) or leaving. I left. And I am 16 months out. Annulment is final. He’s already dating someone else (we were together 15 years.)
I recommend the following books: The Sociopath Next Door, Husband Liar Sociopath, Divorcing a Narcissist – One Mom’s Battle, Women who love Psychopaths, The Narc Decoder. And I highly recommend Dr. Sandra Brown’s Living Recovery Program for helping you understand 1) their pathology, 2) your super traits that made you the perfect victim 3) the crazy-making relationship dynamics that resulted and 4) your aftermath symptoms which leave you with C-PTSD and a slew of issues to deal with that are often misdiagnosed by therapists who are not aware of the particular dynamics within a Pathological Love Relationship.
I hope this post helps someone! Much love to all you women out there in this or similar relationships!! There is something in your marriage worth saving: YOU!
one last thought – Try all of Sheila’s suggestions in this post. But if he’s a narc, they won’t work. Or more likely, you have already tried them and they haven’t worked. But try them one more time and JOURNAL your attempt and the results (so you’ll remember how he responded and he can’t “spin” the response later “oh, I never said that! You misunderstood me.” Journal, journal journal. And then read the books I recommended to see if your situation fits the other stories. And if so – move to Sheila’s blog posts about emotionally abusive marriages. Cuz that always leaves you feeling like a shell of a person. And save yourself so that you can be there for the kids. I am 16 months out and though it was fuzzy whether I should leave or not when I did… now it is crystal clear. My life is so much better. My kids say life is so much better. And I am providing for them (after filing bankruptcy for the debt he’d accrued in my name.) I am in a journey to rebuild my self and regain my life.
You’re a STRONG woman! And incredible woman for doing all you have done and endured all that you have endured this far. God is with you! Remember Sapphira (don’t cover for him anymore) and Abigail (save your household from destruction) and let the consequences fall for him where God allows. Save yourself and your children. God bless
I think this is a really important point–I think in most situations, the guy is likely just oblivious. But if you’ve been trying everything that can be reasonably expected, and he consistently shows a complete lack of regard for your feelings, needs, and personhood, there may be something else going on there.
I’m sorry you are going through that, Christie, but I’m glad you had the strength to get out! Narcissistic personality disorder is no joke.
Christie,
I was wondering how your husband got the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder? My counselor has told me that my husband is also a narcissist but,of course, I’m the one with the issues.
Thanks for any info.
Our marriage counselor let me know in a private session that she saw the signs. But she ethically couldn’t make a full diagnosis until he had been seen individually a number of times. (There are rules around an official diagnosis.) After I left him, and visited her alone, she became MY personal counselor and could no longer ethically be his counselor. So she passed him to a different counselor in the practice. He went to that counselor several times. And the results of those counseling sessions are confidential. So, no, I don’t have an official diagnosis that I can use to prove to anyone. But, yet, I *know* that he did receive one in the end.
And BTW – it doesn’t do them nor you any good to get an “official” diagnosis. They won’t change. They don’t see the need. Narcissism is the disease that only puts OTHERS ill-at-ease (dis-ease). The narcissist never suffers. But do your own reading and research and work on your rescue and recovery. And know that IT IS NOT YOU. They purposely gaslight you, twist your reality, get you to doubt yourself so that they can control you. And then blame you. But the truth is, any sane person would react as you do if they’d been treated as you have been for so long.
Great book recommendations! Thank you, Christie. In tomorrow’s post we’ll be following up with what to do when people genuinely don’t care, because that definitely does happen (as it does in your case). I just don’t want us to assume that it’s always that they don’t care!
I hope you and your children are doing well and are finding a new normal. That’s quite the ordeal to have to go through. I’m sorry.
One other disorder to consider is Asperger’s/Autism. I’m 36 years married, and 2 years ago we discovered my husband has Asperger’s Syndrome. It manifests differently (a mix of 7 key indicators) in each person, but the inability to express affection is frequently in the mix, as is criticism if things aren’t just right. Like your story above, I was basically the “mom” (and my husband just one of the kids), organising everything. Thankfully he was never mean or antagonistic. But neither did he seem to need me much for more than looking after him.
If I had known this from the beginning, I would probably still have stayed, because in spite of everything, we’ve always been good friends. But I would have understood that the lack of affection wasn’t an indication of him just not caring deeply for me, not needing me. Then I could possibly have avoided 25+ years of depression. Even knowing the reasons now, I’m still in a perpetual state of grief for a relationship I will never have, beause he simply doesn’t have the capacity to provide it.
So bottom line, when a spouse seems unbelievably clueless in spite of you trying to explain your needs to them, check out personality disorders.
And BTW, here’s something I learned recently — we are not all “somewhere” on the autism spectrum. That would make it a continuum. You must have at least four of the 7 key indicators, which manifest to differing degrees (there’s where the continuum comes in). If having autism makes you yellow, a “normal” person may be a bit on the green or orange side (have some type of yellow in them), but that doesn’t make them yellow. Hope this helps.
I unfortunately acted the same way for a long time. Some of it had to do with my spouse and I not sharing the same vision which effected our ability to pursue emotional connection.
I know I hurt my wife. But that didn’t stop me from praying and meditating what we had to do to discover mutual mental connection.
Though she desired affection, she and I admittedly were a little selfish when it came to wanting the same things in life. We married at 20 and the basis of our marriage was more about infatuation, attraction and intimacy and less about love.
If her husband profession involves mental or physical (or both) fatigue he may be too wiped out to even figure out that he needs the same kind of affection from his wife that she needs.
The fact that he is a critical about things around the house and him not giving his wife some appreciation that she feels, she deserves, means in my mind they need to pursue connection and won’t hurt one another’s feelings as much or even at all.
The thought of not being good enough won’t cross either of the spouses’ minds.
Somehow they need to cut one another some slack as the stresses of his and her professions and the high cost of supporting a family is taking a toll.
If they can merge their minds together and see the same vision they may find themselves doing a lot more cuddling.
I’m glad you and your wife came through on the other side, Mark.
I do agree that they need to just find a connection again. I hope that’s all it is (the follow up post tomorrow will be if it’s a deeper problem) but I do see this dynamic so often in marriage. We stop being able to figure out what each other needs, and we focus on ourselves, and things go so downhill. But it’s not that the spouse honestly doesn’t care–it’s just that you’re in this really bad routine that needs to be broken. I hope that they can do that.
“A routine that needs to be broken” yes that is it.
If the husband’s profession is a labor intense with high mental tension, he is coming home with negative energy flowing through his veins and stumbles on a toy one of the kids are playing with and needs to lay down and the bed isn’t made because the wife is working full time herself this routine is a hard one to break.
The only way this routine can be broken is for them to appreciate one another. In this case, tha man has to realize that staying calm and relax will eliminate more negative energy out of his life while stimulating his mind.
I’ve been there, hard funk to break out of. I had to decide I had to change, stop being critical and realize my spouse is pretty tired.
The fact that he isn’t giving his wife a soothing hug to relax her spirits isn’t a good sign, He needs to understand that a daily hug and cuddle session in bed (not talking sex) is a nurturing way to connect and mentally healing.
This was our marriage. Emphasis on “was”. 🙂 We had vastly different needs and communication styles going into our marriage that made coming to an agreeable compromise take years. I spent many nights crying in the bathroom because he NEVER touched me. Even when he wanted intimacy, he’d suggest it verbally only. I read SO many books and blogs for tips and insights. When I did bring up my need for more affection, I felt I had to walk on eggshells and it was a win if we got through it without me crying or him shutting down. But eventually he realized this wasn’t an unrealistic romantic notion I got in my head from being an emotional being, and it wasn’t going away “when I matured”. This was a legitimate need of my heart. Honestly? Reading books on culture helped us a ton. (We are cross-culture missionaries and minister in a continent different from our passport country.) Legitimatizing another viewpoint was the first step. I have come to understand there are certain things that won’t be a part of our marriage (and that the lack of them doesn’t define our relationship), and he now steps out of his comfort zone to make sure he shows physical affection. It can take years to cross this gap, but it can be done with a marriage stronger than when it started.
What a great story, LL! I’m so glad you’re on the other side! And that’s really neat that what you were learning in your missionary work helped you understand each other better, too.
Just jumping in here for the “3. They may honestly be narcissistic” section. Cluster B Exploitative Personality Disordered individuals account for 15% of the population. (This includes Antisocial (lawbreakers), Histrionics (Tammy Fay Baker), Borderline and Narcissist) Narcissists account for 4% of the population with maybe 3% are male and 1% female. (Though it may be that – as with all other testing and research – the criteria are tuned to find it in the males and more narcissistic females are out there than are identified because they fly under the radar.) So – for every 100 people in your church, there are 4 Narcissists in the pew (or maybe in the pulpit! There’s an excellent youtube video on Narcissism in the church here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BU3pwBa0qU)
Narcissists are personality chameleons. They morph themselves into your dreamboat. They change personalities depending upon the person they are talking to. So they go undetected because we never think that Mr. Smith might present himself VERY differently to different people, and be extremely different when at home alone with his family, esp when alone with his wife. We assume that the Mr. Smith we see in the church lobby is the true Mr. Smith.
Narcissists use the “Cycle of Abuse” where they will “lovebomb” you when they sense that their grip on you is loosening. So bad times are followed by good times, which are designed to keep you in the relationship for another round of bad times. It actually creates a chemical addiction in the brain and you start to bend over backwards to try and recover the Prince Charming that initially swept you off your feet. If you’ve ever thought “I think I’m married to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” – then you have reasons to go research more on Narcissists because you very well may be! If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid awakening the Mr. Hyde…. If you feel like you can’t do anything right… if all your best efforts go unnoticed and he criticizes things that shouldn’t matter… If he makes it very clear to you that your job is to “support him” which translates into “make him look good in front of others” no matter whether that’s the truth or not… Then I pray you keep digging until you find out the truth!
Thank you for that in depth information, Christie. I know there are some people reading who really need this. While narcissists are a small minority of the population, if you’re married to one, it’s so toxic. And people can feel like they’re crazy, because no one else really understands. So thank you.
What if you have made it clear what you need, and yet no change
Does that mean he really doesn’t care? Also how do you continue to be in that relationship and honor God in that relationship when your heart is breaking on a daily basis. I understand fully that my husband can’t make me happy but it would be nice to be emotionally connected to him. I am struggling.