Do you have any honeymoon regrets?
I’ve been spending this week talking to new brides about what to expect when they get married, and I thought it was a good idea to revisit the honeymoon!
When we had been married for about 18 years, my husband and I took a second honeymoon. While the kids were at a two week stint at camp, we decided to go away just the two of us. We hadn’t really been away alone since our honeymoon, except when we spoke at marriage conferences, but that hardly counts because we were working. We’d done weekends, but nothing longer than that. So this was a big treat! Of course, we did see the kids in the middle of the week for visitors’ day, but I needed my kid fix anyway so that worked out fine.
(I actually wrote about some things that I learned from that trip in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–and my story of the truck stop dinner vs. the 5-star dinner is the story that I end every Girl Talk with–I’ll even end with it this weekend when I give my Girl Talk in Canberra, Australia!)
But anyway, that second honeymoon was WAAAAY better than the first. After our wedding, we paid big bucks to go down to a resort in the Poconos. I had these dreams of an amazing trip, and we took it. But was it really amazing? I’m not sure. There was so much pressure to make it an amazing trip, and we were still getting adjusted to everything (and each other).
Also, it’s kind of hard to go to a posh resort when you’re in your early 20s. It doesn’t feel right, and you’re always nervous that you’re doing something wrong. In your late 30s it’s totally different. At the Poconos lodge, they had four course meals all the time (what fork do you use?!?), people to put napkins on your lap (feels weird in your 20s), and set seating for the entertainment at night. For the comedy night, we were ushered to seats in the back, likely because we weren’t “preferred guests”. Seats were still available in the front at this point. And when you’re 21, you put up with it, but it was weird. The good thing was that the resort had lots to do: tennis, skating, dancing, etc. But in retrospect I think it was just too much.
And, to be honest, the sex is a lot better when you’ve had 18 years of practice.
After our initial honeymoon, we came back to our apartment and just stayed holed up for a week, not telling anyone we were home. We played games and rented classic movies and just had a grand old time. That felt more like a vacation, in some ways, than the honeymoon did.
This trip that we just took was amazing, and it set us up well for these empty nest years that we’re living through right now.
So, if I were to give newlyweds honeymoon advice, (assuming money is tight, as it usually is), I think I would say this:
1. Take a weekend in a nice place.
2. Spend a lot of time just getting to know each other at home, without having to go to work. Keep the video games off (or else play together). Go for lots of walks. Work out. Do something active.
3. If you do go away, remember that you can’t have sex all the time. Honestly. Make sure there’s something else to do, like sports, or hikes, or games.
4. Consider doing the big honeymoon trip on your first or even fifth anniversary, rather than right after the wedding. You’ll likely have more fun, and you’ll enjoy the place better!
5. Remember that right after the wedding, the fun part is getting to know each other. You don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money to do that. I’d recommend spending the money when you’re more comfortable with each other and things aren’t so new.
Of course, all of this is assuming the couple has not been living together prior to the wedding, and honestly are “getting to know each other”. I know that’s not the case with very many right now, but that would be my advice.
And I have a whole chapter of advice for the honeymoon in The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex! For both virgins and those with more sexual experience, there’s a lot of advice and some great tips to think about.
When Katie got married this February, she actually took her honeymoon with twenty of her in-laws! Her husband’s family was taking their annual family trip and was willing to have them come along for free. Katie was hesitant at first, and asked me what I thought. “Isn’t it weird to go with your in-laws on your honeymoon?” But the deal was that they only had to be with family at dinner, and the rest of the time they’d be able to enjoy the resort.
My response was to go for it! If you pay a huge amount of money for your honeymoon and then you get the flu, it’s a disaster. If someone else is paying, there’s not as much pressure. And that’s so much better.
Now, feel free to disagree, but what is your take? What would you do about this big honeymoon trip? What did you do? What do you wish you’d done differently? Let me know in the comments below!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We went to Cancun for our honeymoon and I wouldn’t change a thing 🙂 Our wedding was at brunchtime on Saturday and our flight didn’t leave until Sunday, so we had one afternoon/night together in our house. I’d been living there for a while but this was the first night he’d be there and that we’d be there together. We definitely enjoyed being together in our own home for a night! Besides sex, we also spent some time opening gifts, and it was a lot of fun and humbling to think about all the people who care about us and who will be in our lives for a long time.
Our trip was great too. Not too much pressure to have sex all the time, and although we didn’t really have anything planned, the resort we were at had activities, was on a beach with watercraft, had a pool, and was connected (via bus) to three other resorts that we could visit (which we did). We came home relaxed, on a Friday, and were ready and able to get back to real life by Monday.
Our next vacation was to Hawaii and we had every day planned out with multiple activities. We both loved that one just as much. I think a lot depends on the couple and the expectation of the vacation. Definitely best to discuss beforehand!
I’m not sure that either of use could had done a honeymoon (or could do an extended vacation) with either set of in-laws simply because A) the pressure would be very high to do more than just dinner and B) there are so many kids (nieces and nephews) already that it wouldn’t be relaxing. But we will be taking our first vacation with my extended (well, immediate) family (6 kids 6 and under) this summer–hopefully it’s equal parts relaxing and fun 🙂
I didn’t have a honeymoon trip. We just couldn’t afford it plus my husband could only take so long off work and taken off several days to travel to Ohio and be there for our wedding and my college graduation.
Now that we’ve been married 10 years yesterday, I wish we could take a trip away sometime in the next few years, but our youngest is under 2 and isn’t ready to stay with Grandma and Grandpa overnight yet. Someday, we’ll get our trip just the two of us, and I won’t be nervous like I was as a newlywed living in my husband and mother-in-law’s house. She moved out after a month or so and left us the house for our use, but still, there was a lot of awkwardness for a while. 😀
We were in the Air Force when we met and married, and we had 11 days for our honeymoon before we both went back overseas to wait 6 months to be stationed together again. Adjusting to being married was great, but stressful, and the time clock was always ticking away. Our second honeymoon, when i went to visit him in Honduras, was way better!
Any newlyweds out there reading this: don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself. Things will work out, so be patient with each other and enjoy your time!
We went to Washington DC on our honeymoon. My husband had lived there for a couple of years and we were able to have dinner with a couple of friends of his. And I think it was perfect because we were able to sightsee and and there was so much to do that we were very busy during the day enjoying the sights and getting to know each other better. We had time in the hotel at night but stayed busy during the day. We ate great food. We did spend a lot of money but we both had full-time jobs and could afford to do that at that point in time. More so then several years later once we had children. So for us it really was a perfect honeymoon. We did take a long weekend trip to Jackson Hole for our 10th anniversary and it was just as wonderful as our honeymoon. Now that our kids are getting a little older we hope and plan to take more getaways Just the Two of Us.
Hey Sheila – hope your having fun DOWN UNDER. Grace and I have absolutely no regrets for taking our big honeymoon right after the wedding. Reason being is we have never been able to take a trip like that since because we dove into life and for various reasons along with kids happening etc and its still not feasible today to spend big bucks on a trip like your on today. For us we were DINKS. Double income no kids. So it worked out. We were living togther already so maybe thats a different animal you mentioned. We have been able to get away occasionaly for 1 or 2-3 days alone with out kids over the years. I think the planning peice based on the relationship agreements pretty much should dictate when and where you go. I Know folks who have waited. I suppose to each is own. All I can say is I am grateful for the gift I was given to be able to spend time with Grace seeing a different country. 18 years ago right now I was on Hayman Island off the coast of Brisbane with Grace. Thanks for the memories. We talk about going back – not sure if that will ever work out.
I’m active in the apologetics ministry and I took my wife to Ocean Isle Beach. Here are some of the other rules I followed.
No Facebook or Email. Seriously. Why on Earth would you be watching what everyone else is saying about the wedding or putting up pics? It’s like inviting other people to the honeymoon. That will all be there when you get back. No Email also. You don’t need to do any work whatsoever. This is time to treasure your new spouse. I really don’t understand people who get married and go on Facebook to share what all they’re doing. Aren’t there better things to be doing?
I’m an academic, but I only brought one book with me. My Bible. That was it. I encourage others to do the same.
If you don’t go with family like Katie did, then do this also. Contact family and tell them to stay out. Don’t get in touch with you unless it’s an emergency. This is your time alone.
Also, I did no ministry work. Now of course, if someone came up to me wanting to know how to be saved, I would have done it, but I did not seek out these opportunities. There are other people who can do that work.
Finally, if you are having sex for the first time after the wedding, pray beforehand. You’ve been faithful. Ask God to bless your sex life together.
Inexpensive honeymoon for us, but it was good. We were able to spend the first night in a nice hotel (at a discount, because my sister used to work there and she had a connection). Then we went camping. It wasn’t a dramatically scenic place, but there were good parks to explore, which we love doing, and we stayed in a little cabin for several nights, which was nice and private. Neither of our families had much money growing up, so for us, camping is vacation, and we had all the time together we needed. We’re nearing three years now, and we have gone on one longer vacation to a touristy spot a few states away and did some great activities. We’re still up for weekend camping whenever, though!
Love the idea of camping! Getting out into nature is always fun–and super romantic. 🙂
That’s what we are doing!!!
I hear you! We also rented a cheap cottage for a week! We went swimming in the lake, had a campfire, watched movies – it was cheap and a wonderful time even though we didn’t spend very much money.
Thrilled to see a portion of the “Good Girl’s Guide” was dedicated to the honeymoon. After listening to one too many Christian bloggers knock “Fifty Shades of Grey” while confessing to have never read the book, I decided to give it a read. One thing in particular that caught my attention was the highly satisfying level of sex between the two main characters when they first had sex, even thouh the female was unmistakably portrayed as an inexperienced virgin at the time. My first reaction was to dismiss the incident as another example of unrealistic fantasy. But then I wondered how much of the fumbling, frustrating honeymoon imagery (my wife and I’s experience!) was due to lack of instruction? Men in particular, get zero coaching before crossing the threshold. If they have any idea it is probably from porn. Maybe honeymoon sex would have a different reputation if it wasn’t for honeymoon ignorance?
I wanted to go to Vegas SO BAD on our Honeymoon…well hubby doesn’t like to fly so instead we agreed on Myrtle Beach SC. WE got married in mid-May and we lucked out as our honeymoon fell between Black Bike Week and bike week in Myrtle Beach.As we were entering SC, we saw a ton of blacks on motorcycles leaving town and as we left the following Saturday, bikers were on their way in. Mind you, SC is in the South and was one of the first states to secede from the Union.
Anyhoo….I got some travel guides from a friend of my Mom’s who was a member of AAA. My hubby planned the entire honeymoon. Found us a nice hotel ON the ocean with a balcony and the cost for a 6 night stay was under $250! We had a kitchenette in our room so the day after we arrived, we drove to the nearest Walmart and stocked up on food and drinks for the week, which saved money. Our hotel had an outdoor AND indoor pool with a hot tub. We spent a couple days just lounging around the pool, swimming in the ocean and enjoying each other’s company. Spent some days sightseeing as well.
I’ve been to Vegas since then. Now…if only I could convince my hubby to go to Florida…I’ve never been there either.
My husband and I honeymooned right away after our wedding. We actually roadtripped to Yellowstone and back and tented it. The route we chose for our road trip was one he had went on as a kid for their family vacation when he was growing up. It was so much fun to hear the stories of the places we visited along the way of what his family expierenced. Such as his mother having a pillow over her head the whole way through Bear Tooth Pass. I can’t blame her some of those curves on the mountainside are scary! There are so many great memories from that trip that I documented in a scrapbook and the kids love to look at and ask questions about. Since then we’ve slowly upgraded what we camp in and go on several camping trips with the kids during the warmer months.
I was a sophomore in college and our wedding fell during midterm break. We live in St Louis and we took a long weekend to Chicago. Neither of us had been before and it was very enjoyable. When I graduated college we took a late honeymoon/graduation trip to Cozumel. It was cheap because it was right after a hurricane. We were there for 7 days if I remember right. It was beautiful but because we don’t scuba dive, there wasn’t enough to do. Our budget dictated the trip. So yes, I would wait until you have more money and know each other better and plan the trip you would love. That is assuming the babies don’t come right away because if God blesses you right away, it may be years before that trip happens!
My husband and I actually took our honeymoon two weeks after we were married. I had really wanted to go to Hawaii and he wanted to go to the Poconos. I gave in, thinking we’d go to Hawaii one day. Our lodge in the Poconos was beautiful. Everything was beautiful (it was mid-October so the leaves were changing), but it was so very cold! I still wish we’d gone to Hawaii, lol. Still, we have wonderful memories of our honeymoon. We explored different kinds of cuisine, spent a lot of time outdoors hiking, we swam, shopped at quirky stores, and spent a lot of quality time together. Because we’d already been married for two weeks, we were more relaxed with each other and just enjoyed ourselves.
Honestly, having the honeymoon a few weeks after the wedding makes a lot of sense to me! I have some friends who got married going into their 4th year of university and had their honeymoon one year later, and made it their honeymoon/grad trip all in one. 🙂 It was fantastic, and they were already super comfortable together, so they could just enjoy their vacation!
Walt Whitman said “We were together. I forget the rest.” That is how I feel about my honeymoon. In the end it really didn’t matter where we went or didn’t get to go, as long as we were together. I think regret is a choice. It is a dwelling on things not being the way we wish they were and is a huge waste of our time and our life. Especially past events that we cannot go back and change. Yes, we can make changes to make life more they way we want it to be in the here and now but regret is a focus on the past and just isn’t worth giving your emotions or time to. My husband and I were actually just talking last night about how wonderful our life actually is. No, we have never been to a caribbean island or had a brand new house or even had a big fancy wedding of our dreams but we have had 21 years of love and togetherness. We adore each other, have great kids and in the end I would rather focus on that then regrets over the past. So my advise to anyone getting married is take the honeymoon you want to take, can afford to take and is right for you as a couple but in the end just treasure the togetherness above all else.
This is beautiful, Melissa! Thank you for sharing.
We went to the northern part of Michigan (we live in the southwest part) and I’m not sure what I’d do differently, exactly – my husband picked the place, we didn’t really have money to do much of anything else, but what I remember looking back on it, is that we struggled a bit to figure out what to fill our time with. There’s plenty to do there, but a lot of it isn’t/wasn’t really our thing and I remember us being like, “Ok, today we’ll do these 3 things and that’ll fill our day” and then we were done with those 3 things by about 11:13 and then we’re …. now what? I think maybe it would have been more fun if we’d done 3 or 4 locations in northern MI over the week, rather than just 2, since that would have given us more options.
We went to NYC for our 10th anniversary a couple years ago and THAT trip was amazing – we had significantly more money so that expanded our options a lot and we did a lot of things that we both like to do. We also did a weekend in Chicago last year and likewise, more fun. We’re much better at traveling now, we have a much better idea of what we like to do and don’t like to do. And with the significantly greater resource of the internet, finding things to do is different too.
So, I guess I don’t know what my advice is, other than the great stuff you’ve said, about not putting too much pressure on it, and try to find someplace that has a good amount of stuff to do.
My honeymoon regrets are the total opposite of yours! We had the money saved up to go on a decent honeymoon, but I was too frugal to spend the money. We changed our plans several times & wound up only going somewhere for a few nights. Our entire honeymoon was a disaster (long story)!! I still regret not spending the money to go on the trip we had originally planned!! If I knew then what I know now, we would’ve spent the money for an amazing honeymoon! We’ve been married just over 16 years now &, though we wanted children, we were never able to have them… so, we’ve been able to afford to go on some pretty amazing trips to make up for it! But, I will always feel a little regret over our honeymoon! My best advice would be, don’t go into debt to do something crazy, but definitely save up & do something you BOTH want to do! For the record, we’ve still never made it to the place we’d planned to go for our honeymoon, but we will one of these years!! Oh, & as for going with the in-laws… bless you Katie for being willing!! That would’ve been a huge NO WAY for me (at that point, today it wouldn’t bother me quite as much).
I have the same problem when it comes to trips–I hate spending money! 🙂 My husband and I are taking a trip this year and will be having a “must-spend” budget so that we actually get to do some fun things (since we have been saving up for a while).
And I think Katie was pretty brave, too–but it helps that her family was very respectful and gave them a lot of space on the trip 🙂
I love the idea of a “must spend” budget!! It took me several trips to get over the guilt I would put on myself for spending money on things I considered “frivolous” at the time!! Thankfully, I have learned to let go & enjoy!! We now have a separate savings account that we call our “fun money account.” We still budget a certain amount for each vacation (from that account), but so long as we stay within our budgeted amount, I no longer feel that guilt about whatever we decide to spend our money on during that time! I hope you have an amazing, guilt-free trip with your husband!!
Yes, definitely makes a tremendous difference when the in-laws give plenty of space! There were no healthy boundaries with my in-laws when we were first married!! Thankfully, those boundaries were eventually established, & we now get along a LOT better! 😉
I am glad to hear Katie’s story trumps mine in a big way. I really wanted to spend the first night of our marriage in our new home and leave for the honeymoon the next day. I did not tell anyone of our plans because I have heard stories of folks getting serenaded (shivaree is what my parents called it) on our wedding night. My family was all from a different state and staying in hotels after the wedding. There is a pond at my husband’s house (my new home) and a sister asked if her grandson could go over later and fish in the pond. A little while later, another sister’s husband wanted to know if he could come fishing in the pond later that evening. So we ended up inviting all of my family – and then we invited all of his family – to our house for a time of getting to know each other and fellowship. We had leftover food from the rehearsal dinner to feed everyone. Some folks thought it was a little bizzarre – but I wouldn’t trade that time. We made some great memories and have had a lot of laughs about it thru the years. We opened our wedding gifts that night, so our honeymoon was well funded thanks to kindness of friends. Although, by ten o’clock that night, my husband was more than ready for everyone to go home LOL. Our honeymoon story doesn’t end there…it was late when we arrived at our honeymoon destination the next evening and we were LOCKED out of the cabin. We had to make a trip back into town – down a very scary road in the dark – to get a hotel room for the night. We can laugh now – but I wasn’t laughing then. Once we got it all straight – we had an amazing time there. Now, we save money every year so that we can continue to get away and have fun. So the only things I would change about our honeymoon 1)not be locked out and 2) have had your book/blog to read ahead of time. I think it would have helped some of the awkwardness. But alas I did not discover you until a few years ago. We just celebrated our 18th anniversary – and still very happily married. Thank you for your blog because it has helped me a lot.
I know what I would do differently: not spend a week of it apart! The thing is, we both lived in Germany (my husband is German and that’s where I met him), and were planning to go to the U.S. for Christmas. We already had the tickets, paid for by my future father-in-law, who was also going. My husband didn’t have much time off of work, so he was only staying a week, and his dad and I were staying for another week. We weren’t going to get married until the following July, in Germany.
And on November 1st, we decided to get married in the U.S., instead, because a wedding in Germany was going to be SO expensive. It had actually been a joke on my part, when I said, “Well, then, what about we get married in California? Your dad will be there and my parents will be there, and nobody else HAS to be there, and that way, we can invite everybody we know, but nobody will be able to come, so we’ll be able to afford it!” And that’s what we did.
But three days after the wedding, my husband went back to Germany and I stayed in the U.S. WITH MY FATHER-IN-LAW!!! (And my parents and grandparents and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins and even a few friends, but…I had to fly home with my father-in-law. Not fun.)
It had seemed so logical…but it was a terrible week. We had not lived together, we did not know how terrible it would to be separated for a week just three days after getting married. We know better now. (No plans to personally use the information, however: happily married still, 23 1/2 years later. 🙂 )
When my husband and I were planning our honeymoon I was planning on having some sort of brand new teaching job with no time off (which ended up not happening, I got a different job instead) so we ended up getting married on a Saturday and taking the following Monday through Wednesday off. We stayed in the honeymoon cottage at the hotel where we had our reception, and my father-in-law wanted to do something nice for us so he paid for us to stay there for another 2 nights which was wonderful. We ended up going home after those 3 days and just settling into our apartment together (I had been living there since the beginning of the month but he didn’t move in until after we got married). Then we went to Nashville at Christmas time since I was expecting to be off for Christmas break. This was actually wonderful because we got to spend our first Christmas together just the 2 of us and enjoy being together. We had so much fun and by that point had a WHOLE 2 months ( 😉 ) of experience together to enjoy.
We had a cheap 2 night honeymoon at a nice little place not far from where we lived, but it was very secluded, so we weren’t bothered by anyone. There was some interesting hiking, beach combing and fishing to do, as well as a lovely warm cottage to snuggle up in on the cold nights, and a big bathtub that was heavenly to relax in. Unfortunately, my hubby got gastro so it ended up being very subdued honeymoon! So, possibly the oBly regret would have been better hand washing after handling the bait fish (which was what we put the gastro down to). Since then we have done one romantic getaway by ourselves that was a lot of fun, and I am kind of looking forward to becoming an ’empty nester’ in a few short years (although I know that that will bring its own set of challenges!)