Is it wrong to have expectations in marriage?
I’m going to climb up on my soapbox for this post and just give a little bit of a rant. I hope you’ll excuse me.
But I see a problem with the way that a lot of Christian teaching addresses emotional needs in marriage, and it’s this:
You can’t expect your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Only God can. If you’re expecting your spouse to meet your needs, you’re putting your spouse in God’s place.
And there’s a corollary to this:
The only way to be happy in marriage is not to have expectations on your spouse.
So expectations are thus seen as sinful. If your spouse is treating you badly and you’re sad, then the problem is not with your spouse for treating you badly. The problem is with you for expecting your spouse to be kind, since the only person we can change is ourselves.
Now, there is an element of truth here. I do believe that the only person you can change is yourself, and so we need to be focused on changing our own behaviour to better the marriage. The contention that I would have is that the change that is required is not that we let go of our expectations; it’s that we learn to handle them appropriately and we learn to express what we need better.
Having trouble with this? Here are two posts that can help!
- How a Marriage Goes Downhill: It’s the little things (are you allowing disrespect in small things?)
- When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the last straw? (Maybe you’ve tried everything EXCEPT what really is important).
Why does Christian teaching often focus on how expectations are wrong?
I think that we’re so scared of couples getting divorced that when a couple has a problem that is difficult to solve, the better course of action seems to be to deny the problem is real. If solving the problem involves one spouse changing their behaviour, and that spouse truly doesn’t seem interested, then we’re stuck. So the only solution is to take the miserable spouse and tell them they’re wrong for being miserable.
Ironically I think that philosophy actually harms marriages far more than it helps. When people are miserable because of how they are being treated, you can certainly tell them, “You’re wrong for wanting to be treated well.” And they may push down their misery for a time. They may be able to throw themselves into The Word and grow closer to Jesus (which is definitely a good thing!). They may be able to find other outlets for their needs, for a time.
But ultimately when we are living a lie, that lie catches up with us, even if we’re growing closer to God at the same time (and I would say that growing closer to God often makes that lie harder to live with). And I have personally witnessed several friends leave marriages after decades of pushing their own needs below the surface, and finally not being able to take it anymore.
And the problem is this: Expectations in marriage are not sinful.
I have read so many variations of “our marriage was only happy when I let go of my expectations.” And some of that may very well be true, because many of us have unreasonable expectations of what daily life will look like regarding how we split the chores, how much we have sex, how often we talk, what we do for hobbies, etc.
Expecting that your spouse will meet your needs in a specific way, or do specific things, if often counterproductive. But that doesn’t follow that ALL expectations are therefore bad. Here, for instance, are three expectations you should have of your spouse:
1. It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will fulfill their marriage vows.
When you married, you vowed certain things. And a vow is serious! It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will:
- Forsake all others (including pornographic images of others)
- Share your worldly wealth
- Stay with you in sickness and in health
- Love and cherish you
- Remain committed until death
2. It is reasonable to expect marriage to meet some of your emotional needs.
Now, let’s break down what “love and cherish” mean. No, obviously marriage can’t meet all your needs. First and foremost, our peace, security, and sense of self have to be rooted and grounded in Jesus.
But remember that it was God Himself who said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) It was God who created marriage because we do need each other’s help! Thus, it’s okay to expect that when you get married, you will meet some of your spouse’s needs and they will meet some of yours. Why else would people marry?
And we do have responsibilities towards those around us. The concept of boundaries even teaches us this. When we talk about boundaries, we often focus on the “negative” aspect–how to say no to things that aren’t your responsibility. But there’s another aspect to boundaries. If you think of boundaries like a fence, not only do they keep bad things out; they also keep good things in. They show us what’s supposed to be inside our fence. And some things we are responsible for–including loving and cherishing our spouse.
Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?
You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!
If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.
3. If I were to break this down even further, I would say this: It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will care about your well-being.
To love and cherish someone means that, at heart, they care about what happens to you. Therefore, if something is seriously bothering you, then it should seriously bother your spouse, too.
Sometimes we may tell our spouse that we’re really hurting, and our spouse doesn’t seem to care. Yesterday I talked about four reasons why your spouse may not understand how much something is bothering you, and how to present it in such a way that they will understand. I truly believe that for most couples having issues, your marriage would fall into one or more of these reasons. It isn’t that the spouse doesn’t care (because most people, after all, are not cruel); it is just that they don’t understand.
Nevertheless, there are some spouses who truly don’t seem to care about a spouse’s misery. How could this possibly be?
1. Their view of Christianity may be that her needs truly don’t matter
In some of the couple friends I know who have split, the husband had such a hierarchical view of marriage that he truly believed that how he saw the marriage was the only valid position. If he believed the marriage should look like X, and she didn’t like X, then she was wrong and had to get into line because he was the leader.
It wasn’t honestly that he was a bad person or that he didn’t care; he actually cared quite a bit about other people’s feelings in other aspects of his life. He just honestly believed that in order to follow God, they needed to pursue his vision for the marriage rather than hers. And if they started talking about her perspective, they would be stepping outside of God’s will.
2. They may be very immature
All human beings go through different stages of moral development. But not all human beings progress through all stages.
Some people learn to do what’s right because it benefits them and they want to follow the rules. But there is a higher stage of moral development, when we do what’s right simply because it’s the right thing to do. That’s the Christian ideal. It’s when we hand over the lordship of our life to the Holy Spirit, and we allow Him to guide us into all righteousness.
But if you’ve never really done this, and if you’re living at an immature level, only doing what benefits you, then you may honestly ignore what your spouse needs. People who come from very dysfunctional families, or families that were super authoritarian or based on fear, often do not progress through different moral stages, and aren’t able to give lordship of their lives over to God.
3. They may honestly be narcissistic
Finally, you may have a spouse who truly doesn’t care about anyone but himself or herself. I think this is often the conclusion that we jump to when we’re expressing our needs and our spouse doesn’t seem to care, but I also think it’s the least likely. Usually there is another explanation. But if you are dealing with a narcissistic individual, there is very little that you can do.
So what do you do if your spouse doesn’t care? Be honest about your needs.
Fight for your marriage! And ironically that means rocking the boat. It’s okay to insist that your needs matter. If your spouse doesn’t listen, it’s okay to demand that they see a counsellor. It’s okay to call in a mentor couple, even if your spouse resists. It’s okay to say, “You may think this isn’t important and that you don’t want to talk about it, but we are going to talk about it. This isn’t going away, because this is important to me and I matter in this marriage.”
By not backing down like you usually do, it’s going to look like you’re trying to destroy your marriage, but you’re not. The only way to make your marriage better is to not accept the status quo anymore.
Let’s stop this rhetoric that it’s wrong to have expectations in marriage.
Being married means you do have a claim on some things from your spouse. Let’s admit that. And then, if a person is living in a marriage where the spouse honestly doesn’t care, we can at least come alongside them and support them, rather than shaming them for having needs in the first place.
And, please, everybody, ask yourself this question:
Am I ignoring my spouse’s concerns? Am I repeatedly telling my spouse that he or she is wrong for having certain needs?
If you are, then you may be the one with the problem. And I urge you, please, care about your spouse!
A Better Way to Honour God in Your Marriage:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you for saying this. I too have felt the “don’t have expectations in marriage” mantra is not helpful or realistic. I have expectations of everyone I am in a relationship with. I even have expectations of strangers I meet on the street (mostly that they will be courteous and not do me any harm).
I am curious—why do you think some Christian circles are so terrified of divorce. I mean, I know it’s truly a heart breaking event, but there are many heart breaking things in the world, and this seems to be one that is given a higher priority.
If I had to guess why many Christian circles are afraid of divorce it would be something like this: Divorce is something that the world does; if the rate of divorce in the church is the same as the rate of divorce outside of the church, how does that make us any different from the world?
That’s just one idea. Divorce is something that’s visible. That doesn’t make it any more or less of a sin, but it’s out there and it’s seen. And most weddings are held in churches, so marriage is seen as being tied to the church (although not always to Jesus). In addition, the marriage relationship is in a way the closest representation on earth of the ultimate relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church.
There is so much “religious” symbolism in marriage, and it’s good that people recognize this. But I think that there is so much more positive that we can do as a church to showcase Jesus and His bride rather than fear divorce and how it might affect the church or the world’s view of the church.
We know that God hates divorce, but that statement comes after Malachi says how faithful God is and how unfaithful we have become. It’s heartbreaking, really, to read this!
Malachi 2:10-17
Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why do we deal treacherously with one another by profaning the covenant of the fathers? Judah has dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem, for Judah has profaned the Lord’s holy institution which He loves:
He has married the daughter of a foreign god. May the Lord cut off from the tents of Jacob the man who does this, being awake and aware, yet who brings an offering to the Lord of hosts!
And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; tet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit?
And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
“For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”
You have wearied the Lord with your words; yet you say, “In what way have we wearied Him?” In that you say, “Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord, and He delights in them,” or, “Where is the God of justice?”
I hope I’m not going to turn into a spammy commenter today! Haha
I think one reason the church is so scared of divorce is because marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the church. But I’ve wondered how good a picture a couple is presenting if a spouse is cheating or abusing. Can you REALLY say that marriage shouldn’t end because it’s a picture of Christ and the church? Jesus didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t abuse me. My husband’s actions are what “broke the type,” not our divorce, if I pursue one.
Ashley, that is a really good point. I think I’ll use that in an upcoming post. Very, very true.
Great article Sheila. Like many things in life there are two different ways to interpret the “give up your expectations” advise. One interpretation is good and that is the give up marriage being like the movies, give up the expectation that sex will be like the movies, give up thinking that you will have those lovey dovey feelings all the time or it isn’t true love, give up thinking your husband will know you so well that you won’t have to tell him what you need, etc. Those are examples of expectations that we should give up. An example in my own marriage would be gift giving, especially those super personal thoughtful type gifts. That just isn’t my husband. He will never be good at that or planning out meaningful trips together. If I want a vacation, I will probably have to plan it. He is more than willing to go but he is a terrible planner. Neither of those things are worth blowing up my marriage for in light of the fact that he gives me affirmation of his love in words, acts of service, time and physical affection every single day.
Now, the idea that we should have no expectations at all is the wrong interpretation of that advise. A spouse who does not care enough to meet any of your needs and you should just deal with it is completely wrong. We have a friend whose husband left to run a marathon in another state when she needed to have surgery for an ectopic pregnancy (fourth pregnancy she had lost). The expectation that your husband would be there during an unexpected surgery, let alone one that is so emotional and heartbreaking is a legitimate need in a marriage that cannot be overlooked. So, the “don’t have any expectations” advise is both right and wrong depending on how you are interpreting it.
Agreed, Melissa, and I think that’s very wise–it’s tempting to create rules clearly drawn out, but there is always that grey area. I think you did a good job of addressing that. 🙂
Oh boy. I have so much I could say about this one, because I lived it! I met with my pastor’s wife one time and she was very kind and encouraging. But she also told me I needed to lower my expectations of my husband and raise my expectations of myself. Which expectations should I have lowered? That he wouldn’t cheat? That he would communicate? That he would be willing to work on things? That he wouldn’t be on the computer all evening after work? That he would accept blame when he had some to accept?
It was just a few months after that that he was full-out living a double life.
Since I’ve left him I live on the other side of the state. All the counsel I’ve gotten here has been much more reasonable. I’m thankful for that!
That’s exactly the issue, Ashley. Well said. Expectations that someone will live up to the wedding vows and just be a generally decent human being are not unfair. The other issue is why should you have to raise your expectations for yourself, but he shouldn’t have to live up to any? Are you less important than he is in the relationship, then, if he gets his way and you don’t? It all just seems so sad to me. Glad you’re getting better counsel where you are now!
who said it was wrong to have expectations in marriage? I think the point that gets lost is expectations can be managed – yours, and your spouse’s. And I don’t know how we got to – having expectations of others is a sin – that’s a huge leap.
People hear what they want to hear when these statements are made when some of it is common sense based on your situation.
Ignorance that becomes common knowledge pisses me off.
“I don’t know how we got to – having expectations of others is a sin – that’s a huge leap.”
I agree, that’s a huge leap! One of the first books I ever read on being a Christian wife is The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. In chapter 7 she gives an anecdote very similar to yesterday’s Wifey Wed post. Martha Peace pronounced that the wife “has *set* her heart on romance and special feelings instead of setting her heart on serving and worshipping the Lord Jesus Christ” and that the wife’s “desire has become and idol/lust” (p 65). So, the grieving woman was declared an idolater straight out of the gate. The rest of the (short and lacking in nuance) chapter is devoted to straightening her out. As if vows (to love and cherish) have no meaning. The book was published in 1995, so that’s 33 years of over-simplified pat-answer and frankly false accusation. I’ve seen and heard this approach repeated and rephrased more than a few times from other teachers/bloggers/other writers.
I’m so glad you used the term “pat answer”, because that’s what I feel like so much Christian advice has become. We are turning to the legalistic side of it–“God hates divorce”–instead of the heart of God–which is love. God wants us transformed and looking like Jesus, not enabling sin. And so much of this “don’t have expectations” is simply enabling selfishness.
No, we should not expect our spouses to do housework the way we do, always buy the right gifts, read our minds, etc. But to expect them not to cheat, not to spend money frivolously or not to hoard money, to want to spend some time with the family, to care for the children–those are not wrong things to expect. And if a spouse is not doing these things, and living up to their vows, then the Christian community needs to step in and show people how to live out their vows, and let them know that not doing so is not acceptable. Instead we put the guilt on the person who is suffering in the marriage, rather than on the person being selfish. I think it’s because it’s easier to change the person who is suffering, because they honestly want a good marriage. The other person doesn’t seem interested in putting in effort. And so we address our concerns to the suffering person, and it’s very lopsided.
I think this “no expectations, submit more and rely on God” message came about because it’s easier to treat the symptom than the problem, and because we’ve made an idol out of marriage itself.
I read a great quote recently: “divorce decrees do not cause divorce any more than death certificates cause a death”.
We don’t feel equipped to solve the deep cultural heart issues that are eating up marriages, and we don’t trust the Holy Spirit to equip us, so we use worldly knowledge and our own limited power. Because somehow abuse, adultery, debauchery, misery, and suffering come out to a big win for Christ as along as divorce isn’t thrown in there too…
If the vows aren’t to be expected, then what exactly is a vow? If a vow is actually a vow, a covenant, then that really changes the advise we need to give people when vows are broken. And I think we need to also take a good hard look at how God has responded to covenant breaking – He has certainly never “submitted more”.
That’s not to say that forgiveness, redemption and restoration are off the table – or even that they aren’t the desired outcome. But we need to stop assuming/demanding that outcome. Especially if we are going to use messages like “don’t have expectations” to remove accountability and repentance.
I’m sorry, 23 years, not 33. Honest (but embarrassing) typo.
I’m sorry, Sarah, looks like I replied to your comment instead of mine.
Your comment was great. Apparently I’m having trouble “internetting” today.
Lol no worries at all Mina! I have those days too.
I am, too! 🙂 The internet at the McDonald’s in Canberra keeps kicking me off before I have time to respond to everyone’s comments. 🙂
Sarah, your comment is so right on. And so sad. This sentence especially: “Because somehow abuse, adultery, debauchery, misery, and suffering come out to a big win for Christ as along as divorce isn’t thrown in there too…”
I just want to say that not all churches are like this. They really aren’t. My own isn’t. and so I want to encourage anyone who is in a church where they won’t help you deal with the big issues of marriage, but are only interested in preserving the marriage–please find another church. Your marriage may very well be saved, but not if the big issues are swept under the rug. And seriously, some churches do handle this really, really well.
So don’t give up on the body of Christ. Jesus wants to enter into our pain with us and restore us. If some churches do a bad job of that, find the places where Jesus really is. Because He is there!
Before we got married, I remember my pastor asking us each what we expected of each other. I will never forget it, because when we talked about just daily things, I said “I expect that if he sees something that needs done, he just does it. Like filling the ice cube trays if he sees they are empty or taking out the trash if it’s overflowing.” I remember clear as day, my husband to be looking at me and saying, “Huh. I don’t know if I would have ever thought to just do that.” I was dumbfounded. Like how could you NOT? We had a good laugh about it. However, when we do pre-marital counseling, we always ask this question of each of the couples. Some of their answers are quite funny as well.
Yes, those expectations ARE silly! 🙂 and we do have a lot of them! Learning to tell the difference between an unrealistic expectation and a legitimate expectation is so important in those early years. So glad you’re conducting pre-marital counselling–people really need it! Tammy (my right-hand assistant) and her husband do pre-marital counseling with the military, and I’m thinking of doing a big survey for her husband so that we can figure out what the key things are. He does a great job (they did my daughter Katie’s counseling) but it’s so important to get this right and prepare couples well!
Amen Sheila! You are so right! Every. Single. Word. I have lived it! After a couple seriously Rocky years this is the concept that’s helping to finally heal us.
I’m so glad, Laura!
Well said. The Lord has high expectations for each us and we continually let Him down. He doesn’t cast us off. Or lower his expectations. Many wives seem to lose sight of the fact that in marriage they are on mission from God…”as unto the Lord.” They are there to help a specific man. This is pictured well in Fifty Shades where Anastasia routinely submits to the “wierd” desires of Christian Grey always with an eye to helping him escape what she sees as the dark side. She loves him and is sustained by the hope of drawing him into the light — she wants him to learn how to show love. Perhaps this is the greatest design of God for woman.
Doug, I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny, but you consistently leave some pretty hilarious comments. Fifty Shades…yep, that’s definitely God’s design for women 😂
Sarah, perhaps Alma in the movie Phantom Thread would have been a better choice. In principle, I admired both women.😉
Doug, I need to take major exception with that comment. Anastasia was NOT leading him to God by submitting to his weird desires–she was enabling sin. That is never okay. And she was allowing herself to be humiliated and degraded. Again, never okay.
Yes, we are to lead people to God and show them a better way. But we NEVER do that by allowing ourselves to be abused or by enabling sin.
Sheila, didn’t mean to imply she was leading him to God. “Light” and “darkness” were simply the terms used in the book. I wanted to illustrate Anastasia’s intentionality which I thought was praiseworthy. She did not simply give in and go along with everything Christian wanted which is the trap that many wives are caught in, specifically those who’ve been instructed in a fatalistic form of submission.
Yeah, only in real life, when you submit to an abuser like Christian Gray, you get dragged down to their level, instead of pulling them up to you. I can tell you that from my own painful experience with a dominant/submissive relationship. At the end of it all, I felt like I had completely lost myself, and that my only way out was suicide. I couldn’t even summon up the dignity to leave– I was left.
Mavis
In 4 months my husband and I, God willing, will celebrate 61 years of marriage. Has it been perfect? Certainly not. Has it been enriching?. Definitely yes. God enables us to Honour our vows if we trust Him; if we acknowledge our own weaknesses and rely on Him. We have always made it a policy to “never let the sun go down on our anger”. We strongly recommend reading God’s word and praying together as well as personal time spent with Him. Expectations then rarely become an issue.
Earthly marriage is indeed a picture of Christ and His bride, the Church, and while we are certainly enjoying our earthly marriage, we look forward with great expectations to that great Marriage Supper of the Lamb.
Sheila and Keith, we are so pleased you are enjoying your time in Australia. Unfortunately we are not close enough to attend, but we pray the Lord will greatly bless this needy ministry.
We have been enjoying “To Love, Honour and Vacuum” for several years and also delight in gifting “31 Days…..” to young marrieds.
Here’s a short little essay from Dr. Gottman about expectations. He cites some research from Donald Baucom that shows that on average we get out of marriage what we expect. Having high expectations, we are more likely to build strong marriages.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/truth-expectations-relationships/
Oh, that is so interesting! Thank you for that. I’m going to look it up for sure.
I loved that essay! I’ve always believed that expectations strengthen people and relationships rather than weaken them…
Thanks so much for this – it is exactly what a friend and I have been talking about for the past month about our husbands and their marijuana addictions. Lovely guys but erratic,forgetful,moody and becoming lazier by the day.We are so socially-trained to be accepting and tolerant,compassionate and forgiving it is leaving us confused and upset.Thanks for both these articles!!
I have high expectations for my husband and I hope he has them for me as well, actually, I know he does. I have high expectations because I want him to be the best man he can be. Not just for me, but for our boys, for our church, for our neighbors, and most importantly for our Lord. When one of us has a bad day we don’t criticize, we revisit all the ways we normally excede those expectations to build each other up and get over the bad day. Although my expectations are high, I’m also realistic. We are both human, we mess up, but we’ve got some amazing grace. We each want to be the best we can be, and without those expectations we will get lazy. And when we get lazy we aren’t doing anything to help our relationship. I refuse to lower my expectations, which I can honestly say are not that high, and allow someone else to determine my worth. I am blessed to have a man that feels the same way and helps me be the best me I can be.
Wow, did I need this article! I’ve suffered for years because of the don’t-have-expectations expectation! Thank you for following the Holy Spirit’s leading in writing about this, because I feel immense relief now!
I’m so glad, Theresa!
My expectations and his expectations shouldn’t be according with God’s project for marriage? Shouldn’t each one of us do our part because we want God’s plan for marriage in our marriage? I hate talking with my husband about each one expectations because the conversation gets dragged down to a vile trade-off.
I don’t like him to meet my expectations if he doesn’t enjoy it with me. Is that an unrealistic expectation?
Please, help me understand the issue