What do you do when you when you and your spouse disagree when it comes to parenting?
Lucy Rycroft from The Hope Filled Family is here sharing her thoughts and how she deals with this issue in her household!
Parenting is tough.
If you pop into our home unannounced, you could easily find me cleaning up my 3 year old’s toilet incident, whilst his twin brother is designing a new mural for the kitchen wall, his 6 year old sister (who smells like a florist’s shop) is engaged in a heated discussion with me about how she did not just empty my only perfume all over herself, and his 8 year old brother is asking me whether he can use my phone to play a game that the parental filters on his Kindle are blocking.
Add to this the fact that my phone is ringing, I’ve just remembered we need a babysitter for tomorrow night, there are approximately 21 minutes to make dinner before two of my foursome start climbing the walls, and I got about 5 hours’ broken sleep last night – and I think you’ll agree that calling parenting ‘tough’ is akin to saying that it gets a little chilly near the North Pole.
So if there are disagreements between you and your spouse regarding how to raise your kids, then this is simply adding more stress to an already challenging season of life. No wonder you’re exhausted! But is there anything we can do?
Start the parenting conversations early
Like all relationship problems, prevention is better than cure, so allow to me rewind and firstly speak to all of you who don’t have kids yet. (In a parenting article. I know. Controversial. Hear me out.)
Even before you have kids, start conversations with your other half about your expectations and dreams for your family. Pre-kids, my husband and I did this quite naturally whenever we hung out with friends or family who had children. On the journey home, we’d be all, “I like how they do this!” or “I wonder why they do that?”, which soon led to “I’d love our family to be like this…”
As part of our marriage preparation course, we completed a very quick questionnaire about children, which led to some good discussions. It was so useful that I think it should be made compulsory for all pre-kiddos couples! I’ve done my own version here – why not take a stab at it with your spouse/fiancé? If you agree on the big questions, you’ll find that the smaller decisions are easier to agree on as well, as you know where you’re headed overall in your parenting style.
Acknowledge that your parenting philosophy comes mainly from your own parents
Why is it so important to form your parenting philosophy even before you have kids? Well, it’s good to think about these things while you’re still on a full night’s sleep. And also because differences in parenting styles can cause couples to drift apart.
But primarily, I think it’s because we are so heavily influenced by how we ourselves were raised. If you believe your parents made good decisions, you will want to repeat them with your own children. If you believe they made bad decisions, you’ll want to avoid those mistakes when you’re a parent.
And here’s the news flash: you’re not the only parent. You’re in a relationship with someone who will have inherited a whole different set of ideas about how to raise a child. What if you’ve grown up assuming that you will home-educate your children, only to marry someone whose parents have a fund set aside for their grandchildren’s private schooling?
Getting a few of these issues aired before the two lines come up on the pregnancy test will certainly help smooth the way once you do have them. But you can’t possibly predict every decision you’ll ever have to make, so…
Acknowledge that there is seldom a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way
It is tempting, when issues of disagreement come up, to try and convince your spouse that your way is ‘right’. But, actually, raising a child is more complex than that.
As a child, I got an allowance – but my husband didn’t. I think we’ve both turned out pretty much OK, as humans go. My brothers went to boarding school and I didn’t. We all did well academically, and, although our experiences were different, I don’t believe one was preferable over the other – our parents simply made the best decisions based on what was happening at the time.
If you’re disagreeing with your spouse about a parenting issue, could it be that you’re struggling to let go of how you were raised? You may have inherited some wonderful parenting ideas from your own upbringing – but failing to acknowledge what your spouse is bringing to the table from his or her parents means failing to grasp the beautiful richness that comes when two people raise a child together.
Genesis 2:24 reminds us that, when we marry, we are leaving our own parents and uniting with our spouse, becoming one flesh. Parenting is one amazing way of showing our ‘one flesh’ to our family and to the world.
Be prepared to listen to your spouse, and have your own preconceptions challenged. Maybe you’ll come up with something totally different from either of your upbringings, but which will work brilliantly for your own children!
Submit – don’t defer – to one another. But listen to the one who does the bulk of the childcare.
I’m taking a deep breath as I write this. It’s sensitive territory, but we need to truly take on what the Bible is saying about submission, if we are to reach happy conclusions over our parenting decisions.
In Ephesians 5, Paul is clear that husbands and wives are to ‘submit to one another’. In Colossians 3, he asks wives to submit, and husbands to love (as Christ loved the church, remember; in other words: sacrificial, ‘putting-the-other-one-first’ kind of love).
Why mention this? Because I suspect that there are Christian husbands who feel that they should have the final say in parenting decisions, even though their wives are the ones who do most of the childcare. That doesn’t sound like loving your wife sacrificially.
- Or there might be families where the wife does the childcare and automatically makes the big decisions, with her husband feeling disempowered as a parent, just because he works full-time outside of the home and spends less time with his kids than she does. That doesn’t sound like submitting to one another.
It doesn’t matter which way round the roles go in your family. You are to submit to one another, and ‘submit’ does not mean ‘defer’.
Those who work outside the home: if you submit to, and love, your spouse, then you will acknowledge the great deal of information they have read or listened to about parenting, whilst you’ve been breadwinning.
Those who do most of the childcare: if you submit to, and love, your spouse, then you will give them opportunities to become an excellent parent when they are around, spending time with your kids and building strong relationships with them. You will involve them in decision-making, because your children are theirs too.
In our family, I’m at home with our kids while my husband works full-time leading our church. If I were to walk into his study one day telling him how he should be running the church, I don’t think he’d take very kindly to it. I haven’t been to theological college, I haven’t got the years of experience that he has, I don’t read about church leadership and I don’t attend church leadership conferences.
However, if my husband asked for my input on something he was planning to say or do at church – which he often does – I can give my informed opinion as someone with considerable experience of attending church, familiarity with the people in our church family and knowledge of the Bible.
It’s not a perfect analogy, because we’re not co-leaders of our church, yet we absolutely are co-parents of our children. But I hope it illustrates the point that you need to listen to the one who deals with most of the challenges, and work on a solution together. This does not mean that one’s opinion is more important than the other’s – simply that one may have more experience to share, which will help both of you to come to a conclusion together.
Don’t defer to one another – submit!
And if you still can’t reach a solution?
Pray together. Ask God to help you both to submit to Him, and to peacefully find a solution together. Praise Him that He loves your child even more than you do, and that He wants the best for them.
If your spouse is not a Christian, you can still pray on your own about the issues that divide you. Ask God to help you be a loving spouse and parent, and – as much as you believe in your own decision – practise the art of placing this into God’s hands. Pray that He will either affirm your decision, or help you to see your spouse’s point of view more clearly.
You could also ask the wisdom of one or two friends who are close to, and trusted by, both of you – perhaps an older couple at your church, or some family members. Ask them to pray with and for you.
And, if the situation requires it, listen carefully to the advice of professionals who are involved – perhaps teachers, social workers, therapists or church kids/youth leaders. What have been their experiences of your child? You have the final say, but their testimony is a necessary ingredient for the melting pot.
Above all, remember that the relationships within your family are more important than the decisions you make. Learn to listen, compromise, pray and grow together.
How do you deal with disagreements when it comes to parenting in your household? Let us know in the comments below!
Lucy Rycroft is a mum, wife, blogger and fessed-up chocoholic. You can read more of her messy, imperfect family life at The Hope Filled Family, and she’d love to connect with you via Facebook and Twitter. Lucy lives with her husband and four kids in York, UK.
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I agree with everything you say, but I think the most common conflict in parenting that I have seen, not only in my marriage, but dozens of others, is simply the fact that wives believe they are the only and final authority on parenting simply because they are the mother. No other facts are needed or entertained or believed.
And I have seen this from stay at home moms, moms who work part time, and moms who are the main breadwinner in the family (including one who was the CEO of a company with 1000+ employees – and she is most definitely NOT a good parent – or a good wife – but thinks she is, and is very vocal about it).
Fortunately in my case, my wife is a great parent, probably better than me, so its a moot point and I let it go, despite how often she brings it up. But I believe its because she is because she has had a lot of involvement with kids since a teenager, and she had a good example, and has read/studied/applied a lot of parenting skills. But she firmly believes its simply because “she’s a mom”, and has told me this directly – “all that other stuff is nice, but women are just naturally better at parenting than men – its just the way it is”. When I point out not only the scores of women who have abused and murdered their own children in the news, but also women we KNOW (aka the above CEO and she has agreed!) are bad mothers, she just rolls her eyes.
I mean, all you have to do is watch any TV or movie, and 99% of the “fathers” there are at best nincompoops and morons with children, if not outright dangerous for them. I could probably count on one hand the number of good father figures in media in the past 30 years (tho for some reason they turn out to be real jerks if not criminals in real life for some reason).
Its essentially the same as men believing we’re better at providing, working, or at jobs than women, just because we’re men. In essence, its reverse discrimination against men. Only while that is acceptable and even joked about, believing that a woman might not be a good parent is taboo.
Thanks John! Yes, there is still some hopelessly outdated sexism when it comes to parenting – very sad. I watched ‘Kramer v. Kramer’ for the first time the other day, and loved how it raised these sorts of questions – nearly 40 years ago!
Hi Lucy. Thanks for the insights. Grace and I used to butt heads pretty good because we definitely have different parenting styles. Quite honestly I recognized I need to back he decisions even if I dont like them. My kids are good (used to be) at playing one parent against the other. So what we have been doing is backing each other up even if we dont agree with each other. Then we either detach or we meet in the moment or later and disucss. It works so much better. We have bexome better parents and better partners. Here is something I have been using a TON as part of my parenting discussions with my wife and even freinds and others in my support groups. I got the concept from Rebecca – this is my favorite take away from her book Why I didn’t Rebel. This is my summaray not her exact words. It came to mind when you where sharing the craziness at the beginning of your article: The point of being a parent is not to make sure your kids have a fun childhood by you killing yourself to please your children. The point of being a parent is to show your children Jesus by leading by example and guiding them through your faith tradition. Thanks and have a great day!
Thanks Phil! Yes I agree – much better to at least be seen to be of one mind (in front of the kids) then discuss it later when they’re not around. They do learn very quickly to play one off against the other don’t they?
Good advice to talk these matters over before tying the knot.
Note, the “submit to one another” injunction of Ephesians 5 is clearly addressed to the Ephesians in general, same as “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns…” Specifically, however, wives are instructed “be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
Love should not be equated with letting the loved person rule. Christ loves us yet it is clear we are to follow his lead. This is the model for husband and wife.
Thanks Doug! In the passages where wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, it is very clear that husbands are to love their wives ‘as Christ loved the church’, i.e. sacrificially. I hope I made clear in my post (and sorry if I didn’t!) that mutual submission is NOT about ‘letting the loved one rule’, but about acknowledging what each party in the marriage is bringing to the table as a parent. Yes, the main caregiver will have experience and knowledge that the other parent does not, but this does not necessarily mean they’re right in everything. I’m the main caregiver in our family, but my husband still has good ideas or alternatives which I won’t have considered, and we quite often end up going with his suggestions.
What do you do if you disagree about work when it comes to kids. What is the right response when my husband is the kind of person who thinks that there is no point to having kids unless someone stays home 100% (and also refuses for that to be him) but I more want a job, but not something full time because I realize kids need their parents around. I wish he would be willing to think about taking a job that wasn’t 16 hours a day so he could help out some and allow me to do what I feel called to do without having to put kids in daycare (because he also thinks that that is wrong, although I don’t completely). Yesterday we were watching a show where a female detective ends up adopting a baby that she worked a case on instead of sending the baby to foster care. My husband said “oh thats awful, she doesn’t need to have a baby because she works and can’t be with him all of the time.” I did not really say anything in order to avoid a fight but I wanted to say that first, living with this compassionate, hard working and safe female cop is most likely much better than foster care, and even if she has to put him in daycare or get a nanny at times because she works, does that mean the kid would have been better off in foster care or will be screwed up? I just don’t know how to get past our differences with this and how he can be so opinionated about having someone at home with kids but is completely unwilling to even consider being that person, let alone taking a step back from work and working less hours to be with kids. It honestly broke my heart what he said during the TV show last night and I don’t know how to have kids with him because I feel like I can’t even say “I’ll wait and see when I get there about work” because I feel like the decision is already made for me. He and his family are so opinionated about these matters I feel like there is no point in wanting anything different because I will just lose. How can men be so judgmental of women wanting to work and also have children when they spend 24/7 working and barely see their families. He says there is no point to having kids if you are just going to have someone else raise them, but that is exactly what he is doing, although the person raising them will be me and he will “provide” by working but not provide anything in the way of his presence or help. I just don’t want to feel bullied or forced into doing anything, and want it to be my choice, whatever it will be. I do not mind input, but when the conversation is “you have to be a stay at home mom or we just won’t have kids” I feel trapped. He thinks just because I want to have a job then I must not also want kids or won’t be fit to take care of them. He is completely acting like I will be a single mother and I just do not know what to do. He says kids are so important and need their moms around all the time, but does not understand that kids (and moms) need their fathers too, and a father can take care of his kids just as much. I am just at a loss that his comments on a TV show can turn me into a blubbering, worrying mess in my car when I am away from him.
Oh, Grace, I’m sorry! You’re right–kids really don’t need a workaholic father, and they do need their fathers involved. Maybe have a talk with him about what he thinks life will look like when you have kids? What will he do with the kids? What will his work life look like? What will vacations look like? If he just wants you to be a single mom, that is really difficult. And it does sound like the two of you have some things to work through. Can you go see a counsellor to talk about it? Or if he’ll read a book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is a really good one, all about how parents need to prioritize family life. Maybe if he read that?
Oh Grace, I’m so sorry to hear that 🙁 I echo all the good advice Sheila has given. Do the two of you have friends/church members/family members with kids, where they’re modelling a more equal kind of parenting? Can you open up a discussion with him about what these models are like and how they work?
It’s absolutely right that kids need a strong fatherly role model. I wonder if there are any blogs/articles you could share with him where people give stories about this – either the importance of their good father, or where people have struggled through having an absent father.
Also, it might sound stupid, but I wonder if you could articulate your thoughts into a letter to give your husband? If you’re anything like me, it may be difficult to verbally articulate everything you’re feeling when you suddenly find yourself in a difficult conversation, like when you were watching that TV show. But writing it all down in a letter may make him see what a huge issue it is for you both (I say ‘both’ because it very much is his issue too, even though he perhaps doesn’t see this). It may also be the catalyst for going to see a counsellor, as Sheila suggests.
All the best as you work out this tricky situation.
xx
Love that you have written this here! Wonderful! I’m sure it’ll be helpful to people in all the different stages of parenting, from planning a family to adulthood xx
Parenting is really such a big issue in the household. I agree that it would be helpful to discuss it prior to having a baby, however, in reality not all does it. We all have different experiences so both needs to agree on how to raise the kids. There should be constant communication with our husbands.