When you reject your husband sexually, do you know what that does to him?
I’m a big proponent of great sex in marriage! I believe that God created us to be intimate physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and they’re all supposed to feed together.
But I’m quite aware that for most women, our natural libido doesn’t give us that drive for sex that most men have (though in 30% of marriages the woman has the higher sex drive). And over and over again on this blog I’ve seen how that plays out: women who have given up on feeling good sexually, and think sex is overblown; men who feel rejected; marriages that get more and more distant and more and more angry.
I’ve tried to write to women about how sex is for you, too! But sometimes I think we need to hear from the other side. And so today I’d just like to run a comment that was left by a husband a little while ago who was tired of being rejected all the time by his wife.
So I’m reading this and the one thing I keep thinking about is my situation. For ten years my wife would reject me. We would talk about it, she’d say something like “I never say no” but her signals would. I’d then think it was me, then I’d initiate again and get the same signals. I felt like I was going mad. Then one morning after said rejection, I asked her if that was her intention (you know, because she never said “no”). Her response was yes. So all those years I’ve been right, she just didn’t want to admit it.
I’ve been praying that God would remove my desire. This was after years of various other prayers, including anger at God. Well, I think he’s answered my prayers. One night on vacation, she rejected me, and I was laying there praying for the removal of my desire. The next morning I woke up with a medical issue. Flash forward 6 months and my medical issue appears to have reduced my desire.
That combined with the fact that I take care of myself in the shower when it has been a particularly long stretch has allowed me to remain nice in a marriage that feels less like a marriage and more like her using me. She only wants sex when her hormones rage. Other than that “meh, I could take it or leave it” (her words, not mine).
I feel like now that I’ve stopped initiating, she’s starting to get worried. Well, at this point I think hope of a better sex life in her use of me is hopeless. Thing is, there’s only one thing that I cannot acquire from anyone else and that is sex. Everything else I can hire out. I don’t ask much of her. I work, she stays at home. The kids are old enough now they spend most of the day at school. It isn’t like she has much to do around the house, but she does some of it. I’m just over it all. I’d much rather hire that stuff out and have a wife who wants me, than have her do any of it.
So, all this to say, maybe the husband has been rejected so many times, he’s given up hope of improvement.
Now I’m not saying that this guy is perfect. I do think that masturbation in marriage can actually further drive you all apart (although I completely understand the drive to do it; it can feel actually selfless if it helps you let your spouse off the hook). We don’t know what else is going on in the marriage.
But I just want to ask the wives today: Could your husband have written this? Are you, by giving sex a “take it or leave it” attitude, contributing to major distance in your marriage?
And if so, is that really what you want?
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
Do you yearn to actually WANT to make love–and figure out what all the fuss is about?
There is a way! And in this 10-module course I take you through what libido is (it may surprise you!), what affects libido, and how we can reclaim the excitement that God made us for.
I firmly believe that it is possible to boost your libido and to start desiring sex again. That was my story, and I share it with you in my boost your libido course!
I understand not wanting sex. I understand seeing it as a chore. I understand not getting what all the fuss is about.
What I don’t understand is why you would settle for that when it will hurt your marriage so badly, and when there is indeed something you can do about it!
If you have no libido, then, please take a look at these posts. And then decide that you never, ever want to be the wife whose husband could have written that comment.
- Why is sex so boring?
- The only way to embrace your sexual side
- Why enthusiasm matters to your husband
- The Boost Your Libido course–it will help you see sex totally differently!
Your marriage truly can rock, but it takes a decision on your part to figure out how to desire sex. Sitting back and waiting for that desire to come will not do you either of you any favours.
Sitting back and waiting for that desire to come will not do you either of you any favours.
So, please, for your sake, for your husband’s sake, for the sake of your marriage–make a change!
Could your husband write that email? Or could he have written it in the past? What causes this dynamic in marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Whether its a husband or a wife who is the rejected one, the other spouse has NO idea.
Whats more, in my experience, both in my own marriage and others I see on the internet, and other couples I know personally, I see this behavior consistently from the refuser/gatekeeper/low libido spouse:
They simply Do. Not. Care.
They just don’t care what it does to you or how it affects you. How it affects your thought life,How it affects your emotional life, How it affects your spiritual life, How it affects your work life, How it affects your friendships, How it affects your family, or How it affects your health, or how it affects every other aspect of your being.
Even when you talk and argue over and over about it, and go to counseling over and over, and you bring every kind of book, speaker, theology, psychology, physiology, or anything that in anyway shape or form that shows and says “good, frequent sex is GOOD not only for your spouse, and your marriage, and your family, but also for YOU!”
It doesn’t matter. They. Don’t. Care.
Unless, of course, all those said behaviors come out and come back to affect THEM, in which case they usually tell you to grow up, man up, God up, buck up, or whatever up is needed to get over it. Because you “thats just the way it is and you should be able to deal with it”.
In my own marriage, I’m at the breakpoint. AGAIN. Promises were made, and not kept. Been in counseling for almost 2 years. And, once again, we are at the point of once a month – AT BEST – for almost 2 years. And quite frankly, its pitiful sex, too, with no effort put into it on her part. And yet if I show one ounce of unhappiness or push for more even the slightest, I get raked over the coals.
You want a summary? Other than my children, my life is RUINED. I have little to no friends (why have friends you can’t confide in?) I don’t trust anyone (If I can’t trust my wife, who can I trust?), I avoid, both physically and socially, any woman because I can’t even trust MYSELF to not to something stupid, because I still believe I made an oath I need to keep. I can’t look my family in the face, feeling like a failure. My work is in shambles, because I feel worthless, have no ambition or drive, and most time feel whats the point? I don’t trust churches/preachers, because all I hear about is how evil men are, and if we were just better men things would be hunky-dorey, and never anything about women. I don’t even trust GOD anymore: why should I? He has never helped me at all, not once.
Most days I just want to end as quickly as possible, and most nights as I sit in the dark untouched, unloved, unwanted, I just want to die – but then I’m too much of a coward to do that, so there is no escape there.
But you want to know the sad part? I have told my wife, in counseling, exactly everything above. Result: “Thats not my problem.”
John – That hurt to read bud. I feel so sad for you and pray for your situation. Honestly John. I don’t know what part of the world you are from but I am serious that I would be willing to talk to you. I work with guys in sex addiction recovery and I have heard it all. Your situation is obviously not that but regardless I am a human with compassion and seriously I would be willing to talk to you. I promise you that you can trust someone. You can trust me. I wish you the best John. I am leaving my junk mail email here but I do check it for various reasons quite often. If you want to talk I am willing. f u n p h i l l e d 3 8 @ y a h o o Best wishes John.
John,
Your words hurt to hear. I’m sorry for your pain. I will pray for you. My own husbands name is John. Although my refusal and lack of desire weren’t quite that severe as you described I too hurt my husband. Just in the last 2 months God has opened my eyes! I’ve gone through so many emotions since realizing what I’ve caused my husband over the years. Honestly, I didn’t understand the magnitude of sex and intimacy in a marriage. I was literally ignorant of it. I praise God he has shown me and is still showing me his design for marriage. I WILL pray for you. God does SEE you and know your pain.
Sheila…..THANK YOU for being obedient to the Lord in sharing your testimony and what God has shown you. It has been your blog and blogs like yours that God has used in my life to speak his truth to my heart. Truths I needed to know and hear.
Oh, Momof7, I’m so glad! So glad. I pray that your marriage will be wonderful and fully restored now.
I read these comments and feel the what these husbands are going through. I am having the same feelings of rejection in my own marriage of 15 years. I’m lucky if I we have sex once a month. When I try to talk to my wife about it, she gets very defensive. She’ll say, “listen, I work, take care of the kids,clean, etc., when I finally get to bed, I’m tired.” So now I feel like a real unwanted jackass. Having sex with me is just another chore. Even though she doesn’t say it, I know that’s how she feels. So I just drop it because it always ends in a fight. My confidence is blown and never initiate sex anymore, I just can’t take the constant rejection. I blame myself for not being more of what she is attracted to. This part of my life really sucks, so I just take care of myself in the shower.
Husband 44, I feel like I could have written that myself. It’s the exact same story in my life. Kids are in school, wife if working part time twice a week. I get it, there is a lot to do. Cleaning, shopping, cooking, homework… and I’m away lot with a 1.5 hour commute and all, so I can’t help a ton, but I try. I’m exhausted too. All in all, what maybe hurts the most is the times outside of any reasonable chance at sex when any simple playful acts are seen as a distraction or nuisance. Not only does she not have 10-20 minutes for sex once a week (we hit about 1-2 times a month), but 10-20 seconds is too much. A hug and kiss, psh, she’s gotta start that laundry now!
Another thing I’ve noticed is that even when I try to make time to free ourselves of obligations, get the grandparents to take the kids for a night or what have you, chances of sex seem to actually drop even further.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried just never initiating, not bring it up, nothing (one problem she’s mentioned is the pressure I put on her), and to see what it would do. We went 8 weeks without sex and she had no idea. I try to initiate more and I just end up frustrated with the rejection. I try talking to her about how it’s a problem, and maybe that changes things for a week or two, but next month… eh, back to the same. I try and I get “the kids are awake”, “what if the kids wake up”, “I’m too full”, “I’m hungry”, “I’m tired”, “I’m busy”, “we’ll do it in the morning”, “didn’t we just have sex (last week)”.
I can’t take it. I love her, she’s sexy has hell. We used to blow through 3 times in a week, now we struggle to hit that in a month. And we aren’t even that old. We’re mid 30s and we have sex maybe 20 times a year. And our kids are circa 6-10. She isn’t up breastfeeding or changing diapers anymore. 7-9 hours a sleep is normal around here. To make matters worse, I’ve always needed pretty minimal sleep. So I get to be rated for 1-2 hours after she goes to sleep and get up in plenty of time to bring her some coffee and get some morning rejection.
I’m so sorry. I really am. Have you showed her this post? Or talked about trying to do the 31 Days to Great sex together? I’ve also got a post on what to do if your wife hates sex, and I hope those help. I am sorry, though.
To Husband 44,
Im a wife and i am going through the exact same thing. I feel so rejected insecure, not good enough. I have tried everything to spark his intrest. But nothing works. I also cant talk to him about it because he also starts yelling and gets defensive. I usually back down because im already feeling low. He uses so many excuses. Over and over. I just want him to make an effort. I used to initiate all the time…bcuz if i waited for him to do it..it probably wouldn’t happen. I dont work i stay home and take care of things i have stress as well and i get tired etc but I still find time to want to be intimate with him. I still get up wvwry morning and make his breakfast his lunch for work at 5am even though im tiredpr maybe even sick. I do it because i love him. I wish he would understand this. You do things or make an effort in the one u love.
Makes me very insecure.
Also i feel as tho my husband thinks sex is a chore as well…he would rather play xbox……:(
Hey, I understand your pain and get what you say on a level as a brother sharing the same loss. I am fighting with myself more and have actively avoided women to not lust with the mind. To the point I have bought wireless ear buds to listen to worship music and sermons at work because I work with so gle women all younger than me and only 1 other male in the office. I have brought up with my wife how I feel rejected and how I desire her. I know with our baby time and energy are low. I have picked up the cooking, cleaning, feeding g the baby, and working so she just has to focus on her job and pumping so the baby has milk since she wont latch to eat. Tonight I even got home early got our daughter ready and went and got her dinner based on what she has said she wants and how she feels so itd be ready for her and could relax. I have also tried to be supportive of her feelings and changes since child birth but it feels and is confirmed by her own words that it’s not enough. She will accept any advance from me as long as it is her getting sexual gratification and never having to apply effort or return any intimate acts towards or with me. But with that all said I am reminded that in Micah 7:8 I read a warning to all who oppose GOD’s children. “Do not rejoice against me my enemy for though I fall I shall rise again. When I sit in darkness The LORD HIMSELF will be my light.” N3ver forget that when we fall into the abyss of despair and suffering that we are not alone and JESUS is already in the fire waiting for us so we can move from it. Sometimes that means stopping a sin, for me it was masturbation and all that goes with it. And others it’s a test to prove to you the satan’s risk assessment of your marriage has that failure scared. But what ever the case is and no matter the pain never lose faith and with all things bring GOD first. Let him handle what we cant and let him above all remain I control. It may not immediately improve our sex lives if ever but I can say for certain that when you are faced with carnal desires or eternal glory we do all things for our RISEN SAVIOUR.
I’m reading these guys story and I thought I had it bad wow some off u have it bad how does a loving marriage turn into a constant rejection from your wife and if u don’t like it u can leave and its your fault u made me into this woman how did I do that I’ve been contemplating an affair but because I love my wife and children I won’t put them through that trauma so Iive with it learn to deal with it until I don’t feel the pain anymore it’s so sad seeing other married couples enjoying intimacy don’t no when last I had an intimate kiss or just holding hands why is it happening and does it ever come rite is this what marriage is dying a slow painful loveless life that is caused by one spouse
In response to: “I’m so sorry. I really am. Have you showed her this post? Or talked about trying to do the 31 Days to Great sex together? I’ve also got a post on what to do if your wife hates sex, and I hope those help. I am sorry, though.”
While I (and I’m likely not alone in my thanks) appreciate the sentiment and the empathy, are you insane? If I were to show this to my wife and ask her to read the post, it would not end well. I would have my many, serious and marriage ending faults pointed out in detail. At the end of the talk, I’d stand there like an idiot mumbling another, “I’m sorry…”. My faults really are that many, serious and marriage ending, but is there no way back? 25+ years says, no there isn’t.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Everything leads to an argument, mentioning anything related to sex gets me ig ored or yelled at and I feel like I don’t even want to argue back anymore.
When I don’t argue back I get accused of cheating because I’m showing no interest bjt when I do show interest in any form I’m being an irritation.
She talks to me normally during the day but the slightest thing out of place sets her off and we backto arguing and me being ignored.
I know God has a plan and I’m battling with so much at the moment, finances and a job and my success as well as my spiritual path and now my wife and I are back to where we were a year ago when we were constantly arguing about everything, she hates sex… Never wants to have it, shows no interest at all and when I ask her about it or if we can talk about it she just goes off.
So I don’t know what to do anymore I’m at that point of just cutting myself off emotionally because I’ve been getting rejected so much I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worth her love or don’t deserve it when all I do is praise her, tell her how beautiful she is. How lucky I am to have her and how much I love her when I don’t even hear a single positive thing about me from her lips.
Part of the problem is that the women who really need to be hearing this stuff would rather die than come on a blog like Sheilas. John, your mental health is starting to go man. You need to seperate as soon as is practical. I understand that you made an oath to your wife but you are being hoisted on a pitard of your own loyalty to the detriment of your own soul. Its going to be hard but you need to get out. I do not give this advice lightly. I am in a sexless marriage too and it bums me out a lot but not to the point that you describe.
Sometimes the women who need to hear it- do come to this blog. I was one and this blog was part of my healing journey that ended the rejection in my marriage. Sheila has many posts that could get women here thankfully.
That’s so good to hear!
I cannot even read the comments from others now. It feels as if I myself am experiencing what each of them is going through.
Thanks for trying, though. It shows that there still are people who truly care and are trying to help on any subject.
This article as an interesting read.
I divorced 5 years ago for the very reasons above.
She was the love of my life and I still feel the hurt to this day. But I don’t regret that I tried.
For years I tried to discuss our lack of intimacy and I was tired of not being wanted sexually. .
There was always a reason. She didn’t feel comfortable with her body or was tired. She had even said that if I was good at it, she’d want to do it more often. Needless to say I was shocked. And hurt.
I threw away 16 years because I felt so rejected and all I ever did was put her first in everything I did.
Today, I’m with an amazing woman and our connection is deeper than ever. Sexually, we’re far more compatible.
But it’s been a long road to find her so I don’t regret anything that has transpired for a moment.
Divorce is terrible but staying in the wrong relationship with the wrong person is even worse.
Follow your heart and you’ll be much happier for it. Life is too short.
I read your comments and feel the pain, sadness, frustration and loneliness. When youre a loyal person, a spouse that will respect your marriage or even relationship you hurt all the time because of this. You want your partner/wife to be with you, you desire only her, why it’s so hard to value when you have it all by your side? I am always attentive, respectful, lovable, giving. I give my all, never cheat or cheated. Shower my wife with compliments, attention, respect and get rejected. My wife is going through ailments (Fibromyalgia/Carpal tunnel) not to mention mental health issues. At first we were doing great now it’s a chore for her. I do understand her condition, I take care of her. I do my best to help her to do everything and leave her to rest but she can do a lot of things except sex. That is to hard I guess.
I feel ashamed, destroyed. I don’t have self esteem, I sometimes see other women and think would someone else love me or desire me? I feel that I am horrible and that I am trash.
I seriously even think my wife might be cheating…
I am severely giving up but I cant escape because I love her with all my life, but I feel everyday she does not love me back anymore and its all just someone to take care of her.
I hope everyone finds happiness and that their spouses learn to value and cherish their SO’s.
God knows the pain of loving someone and keep being rejected destroys you.
I can second that there’s a whole lot of women who would love to find Sheila’s blog and start understanding marriage on a different level. I was very glad to have found it shortly before I got married when I was researching just this issue that men seem to want sex all the time. For a woman who was brought up without any useable knowledge about sex, not to mention about the role it plays in the connection between the husband and the wife, I was looking for an explanation. What I found was a gold mine of insights on how to build intimacy, how to change my point of view and how to love my husband.
Certainly, not all cases can be solved by mere understanding – as John said, the understanding seems to sometimes be there (or at least the facts have been laid out), but there is a great deal of potentially sexless marriages because the basic information on the nature of the other sex is lacking.
It would be so great if people got taught the basics in schools.
So, I wouldn’t say that if you are in a sexless marriage pointing the other person to a blog like this cannot help. It can. I would suggest to give it a try. If it’s the lack of information on what the other person actually feels and there are no other major issues, I am convinced it can help.
Thank you, Jo! I did write a post a while ago, too, that men in that situation could show their wives to introduce them to this blog. Maybe I should run it again, but here it is for those who may need it.
It really doesn’t help. I have talked with my wife and shared dozens of posts and emails.
This blog and others just make it worse. Wishing I had the wife with opened eyes.
I may as well be John. Just waiting on death to part.
For my spouse the issue is “I’ve heard all of that before. I know all of that” and she will not do counseling because she has things in her past that she doesn’t “want to bring up again, especially with a stranger”.
In a sense, I think John’s observation is accurate – she just doesn’t care.
Separation is not divorce. Separation is not breaking your vows. Separation is saying I care too much about our marriage for us to keep going the way we are. God wants more for you and your wife – you are not being selfish if you truly want the marriage to improve, it’s not just you looking for more sex. But, it’s tough. You will cop a lot of flak. Nothing about your situation is easy. But only you can decide what you are prspared to live with, and what must change. Only you can follow through with decisions like that. And in the meantime, try to find some small joy in each day (even if it’s something as simple as the colour of the sky, the smell of your morning coffee, or whatever happens to float your boat). Make sure you are eating right and exercising. Read good books. Talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. Don’t let yourself be dragged down into the pit!
I am one of those women who are in the same situation as described by a lot of men here.
The reality for me is that I have lost interest in my husband because of a variety of reasons, and this might be of interest of you to read and maybe do a checklist if this is something going on in your marriages as well.
So, why have I lost interest in my husband you ask? Let me tell you why. When we first got together, he said that he had “all” of the same interests and that we would be doing things together. Great, I though. 2 years later, he has gone for knee surgeries and shoulder surgeries, 5 so far, needs 3 more surgeries on his teeth.
What does that mean? It means I am stuck doing everything, cooking, cleaning and working and taking care of my son. He makes a mess and makes excuses as to why he should be cleaning up after himself (if at all) and on his time schedule. He is a filthy pig, rude, disrespectful person.
There is a continual mess of his belongings on the bed, on the dressers and on the floor. He leaves toothpaste in the sink to clean up and doesn’t wipe around the toilet or the counter tops in the kitchen.
Then to top it off he has anger issues, bipolar and rages about every 2 weeks. He screams in my face at the top of his lungs, and has physically hurt me as well. He apologizes afterwards. And, then he brings me flowers once in a while and says, I love you so much. He does tell me he loves me everyday very much by the way.
However, at this point, it doesn’t matter because my love and intimacy is non-existent. I don’t even care that he tells me how much he loves me because he is a burden and doesn’t help me and when I mention something, he says I’m starting an argument. We cannot even discuss his filthy habits, rude, disrespectful behavior.
Well guess what folks! This is unattractive and a complete turn off. Why would anyone want to be intimate with such an individual. I hope this has helped to answer your questions as to why a woman would not want to be intimate with a man.
And, I have decided to file for divorce in the next few months to be rid of such an individual to live a happy, and normal life with my son!
I hope this clears it up for some of you out there! The best of luck to everyone!
Laura, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I’m glad you’re getting your son and you to safety. It is not safe being with someone who is physically abusive. And I’m so sorry that he won’t actually change. Saying “i love you” and bringing flowers is not enough when you are wreaking that much havoc. I wish you all the best.
I am sorry to read about your terrible situation and your divorce can’t come fast enough. That being said:
Excuse me but no, you are certainly NOT a woman in “the same situation as described by a lot of men here”. You are in an abusive relationship with a POS excuse of a man and the sooner you get away from him the better. You imply that every frustrated married man is not getting sexual satisfaction because they are abusive and therefore not desired by their wives.
These are the emotional outpouring of the scarred, defeated and miserable men who otherwise love their wives and are forced to endure the emptiness of a sexless marriage. There is a monumental difference.
You took the words right out of my mouth when you explained that huge difference.
Thank you! Geez, I can’t believe she would even equate the two vastly different situations. I appreciate you jumping in and making sense 🙂
Being a man that grew up in a family where my father was your husband…I understand what you are feeling…and getting away from this situation is by far the best thing you can do…my mother didnt get the nerve up to seperate from him until the decades long beating I took from my father made me strong enough to physically stop him…but…
This is certainly NOT the average scenario…and at the risk of sounding dismissive or condescending…I think you kinda jumped the shark making this link and offering this as some sort of revelation…in fact…for men and women who are sincerely giving their all to their relationship and still watching their partner slip away…this is downright damaging.
Imagine for a second that you move onto the next relationship and you are sooo in love…you bend over backwards to give your man everything he wants and needs…and…for all intents and purposes…he stays busy…cooks…cleans…works…helps with the kids…but at the end of every night…you go to touch him…and he recoils…telling you…”not in the mood” whether it be directly or in a round about way.
Trust me…as someone who has seen your side…knows the physical abuse…the verbal abuse…
You dont know despair…not until someone emotionally abuses you…and the worst kind of emotional abuse…is neglect…rejection…thousands upon thousands of micro rejections…its like a dying from a thousand paper cuts…and the entire reason its happening…is because you have too much pride in yourself…and honor…you took a vow…you made a promise…to love this person…and if this is what it has to be…so be it.
A hell you keep yourself in…built on hope and love…where every day…you pick yourself up off the ground just high enough so that it hurts when your partner drops you on your face again.
I’d rather deal with someones anger…a punch in the face…I can make sense of that stuff…its tangible…but pointless rejection…for no reason outside of inconsideration…its a hard concept to wrap your head around.
I empathize with you. I am the “hold out” in my marriage as well, and it is because I feel so very unloved and unappreciated most of the time.
When my husband and I dated he doted on me with affection — it was wonderful. This didn’t change until our son was born and then something changed and not for the better.
He became distant, I had no one except for him due to us regularly moving due to his career, and I didn’t even really “have” him. Sure physically he was there, but that was it. I couldn’t confide in him or lean on him emotionally in anyway. He’s a messy disorganized person and cleaning was solely my responsibility, but he would get mad at me and accuse me of hiding his things when I would put his stuff away. He would get mad or upset in some way and say the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me and was never there for me when I really needed him emotionally. This has gone on for years at this point and currently my sex drive is nearly dead and buried.
I try talking to him, writing to him, so far it helps for a short while which causes things in the bedroom to improve and then eventually he goes right back to his previous unpleasant behavior and my sex drive does all over again.
I hate it.
I feel for everyone here. Been married 11 years amd I am going through this also. It seems so “all of a sudden” too. Sex hasn’t been as often (less than once a month) as I would like. I want to initiate intimate activity but am hesitant to do so because of the multiple nights of rejection. A lot of the same reasons I read here. Too tired, don’t feel good, not in the mood. I work 12 hours a day she works also. Come home cook dinner, clean up dinner and breakfast from earlier in the day. She does get up in the morning and gets the c kids of to school and herself ready for work but in the evening she is lost into her ebooks and phone, rarely offering to help. My days off consist of laundry, everyone’s hers, mine, 4 kids. Wash, dry, put away. I do all this in hope to make her life easy so maybe we can spend some time together. I have made surprise dated nights to dinner and concerts, movies, or just walking like we use to when we were dating. One other issue that’s going on is she has started menopause so the mood swings added into this rejection is almost too much to bear. I have tried to talk about what’s going on and its either a defensive answer or she has a lot going on with her right now. I love my wife dearly and I wish she could see what this is doing to me and our relationship. Good luck to everyone, know you are not alone..
I’m sorry, Jason. It is really hard when life just gets busy, and when you feel increasingly disconnected. We’ll be talking about this more on our men’s podcast (the last Thursday of every month), and January’s podcast will be specifically about this, so listen in!
This is a different situation than most of the commenters, especially the original post. Most of us would rather hold our anger in to the point of heart attack than yell at our wives. You are experiencing abuse, you should walk away.
John,
I know exactly where you are coming as I spent five years in the exact same marriage dynamic. We tried and gave our best, but the selfishness of our wives (which was and is never held to account) won out. She has made her decision: “I will choose myself over you and God all the days of my life”.
You will eventually meet a woman that treats you the way you deserve, and you will fall in love with her instantly. No morality or righteousness will stop you. Imagine offering a plate of a food to a starving POW: how would they react? It doesn’t justify the eating of the food but the hunger is undeniable.
End the marriage now before adultery does. Don’t do what I have to do now and live with that atrocity forever.
John,
Your words is a painful reminder of things I endured in my own marriage.
Mainly lack of emotional connection, heck we didn’t even consider the term “connection” even existed, how could we? both my spouse and my own parents weren’t emotionally connected, so we had no mentors.
After 25 years of marriage we had to re-evaluate what wasn’t working and truthfully, it had nothing to do with sex, but instead the way we communicated to each other. If we didn’t stop our personal ideologies from colliding and discover compromises and realize our backgrounds were different and simply we weren’t wired the same, but instead be more calm and polite in non-sexual circumstances we were never going to be able to stimulate one another’s mind.
The bickering needed to stop, the hurtful words and ignoring needed to stop.
I don’t know your circumstances enough to know if pursuing a mutual cordial dialogue,, or if when voices are being raised or impolite words are being exchanged out of frustration, but when or if it is happening, that is when either you or your wife can say,,, “oh oh, we are doing it again” “lets calm down”
Domestic compromises without sparring, can stimulate the minds, and though this is a non-sexual solution, it does allow one another to experience a friendly connection. As long as a couple are together (or not), thoughtful communication will stimulate the mind more for both the husband and wife, even if the husband and wife aren’t seeking sex.
Another way of putting it, is polite conversation creates more positive energy, whereas shunning or rude conversation creates negative energy.
Many of us weren’t mentored to understand the value of how we communicate as being key to avoiding agony. I can say I have felt like I have been in a deep hole, like you are describing.
I had to pray and meditate through sleepless nights and even sleepless weeks, so discover that communicating was key.
In the mean time, I had to fill the hole I was in, with positive energy, one shovel full at a time and stepping on each shovel full until the hole was filled and I was able to walk out of the hole.
It may also help in your workplace, when things are friendlier at home.
You aren’t alone, John. Every single word in your post applies to my circumstance. I’m 8 years into TOTAL marital celibacy and it has destroyed how I perceive myself. I mean, if my best friend can’t stand my touch, there must be something seriously wrong with me…right? I support my family financially. I bathe regularly. I stay fit. I do half the housework. I’m highly involved in my children’s lives. These are my responsibilities, and I don’t get to shirk them just because my wife rejects me. Physical intimacy should never be a “man’s reward for good behavior”, but my emotions, except for endless frustration, feel like they’ve all been shot up with Novocaine. I wish I had an answer, but every day I feel more and more like there isn’t one. Sorry. Don’t mean to be a downer. The weight of this is simply crushing.
She is breaking the marriage covenant with this attitude. Adultery isn’t the only version of faithfulness.
Columba,
I don’t dispute that, as rejection is biblically wrong based on what John is saying. Intimacy does in fact exacerbate further emotional bonding.
But even if there is sex, there appears to be a lack of emotional bonding, which means when there is sex, that’s all it is, straight sex.
This what my spouse and I were doing for years and it wasn’t emotionally fulfilling but instead more of an emotional drain, near loveless because we weren’t emotionally connecting in our domestic lives.
We needed to click instead of force feeding one another’s “will” on each other and for us, that simply meant to be better communicators when we didn’t see eye to eye.
We focused on not sparring and discovered solutions were discovered much easier and quicker as we made sure we weren’t going to say hurtful things. Quicker solutions meant we were able to finally stimulate one another’s mind.
I know it sounds too easy to navigate through choppy waters, but as long as there is hope in a relationship, it is much easier to remain calm, than verbally collide and insult one another.
Which makes intimacy more fulfilling when it occurs.
At least this is what God revealed to me in what I had to do, after praying and meditating for a lengthy time.
John,
I know that God not only cares about your situation but understands how you feel. How often was Israel compared to a woman and God’s desire for her met with unfaithfulness and rejection? Thank God for allowing you to have a glimpse of how mankind has treated our creator. Thank your wife for showing you such pain and rejection. Then show her the love and grace that God has shown you. He has not forsaken you. Draw near to him and He will draw near to you if you truly love Him. I should go and take my own advice now, but remember God loves you. He knows your pain. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. God does not abandon those who love Him. Pray for your wife. Pray with your wife. Do not give up. Tell her that she can not make you stop loving her. Remember what Jesus did for us. He died on the cross while we were still sinners for the hope of our salvation. Now He has beaten both sin and death and lives forever. You too can overcome this situation because the same Spirit who raised Christ from the dead dwells in God’s people.
John, I had to go a double take to make sure I hadn’t written this comment. Going on 24 years of marriage and I daresay I have experienced the same exact thing you have for the vast majority of it. A wife who could care less to be truly involved in meeting any kind of emotional, spiritual or physical needs while I have bent over backwards to be as loving and kind as I can be, even after finding out nearly 3 years ago she had a 2 year emotional affair with the youth pastor at our former church.
Her ambivalence to our marriage, constant lack of support during my hard times in life have affected me in all my relationships, my lack of desire in my career and a burning anger in my relationship with God in being married to this woman.
Much like you, I am loyal to a fault and – for who knows why – am committed to my covenant vows of till death do us part, even though that has meant a joyless, angry, bitter and resentful marriage in my heart and soul.
We too have spent years in individual and marital counseling, but to no avail. The crazy thing is I see how amazing, caring and loving she is to our kids, her family and her co-workers and friends, just not to me. She hasn’t told me I am handsome or that she loves me in more than 5 years. I must be the stupidest man on the face of the earth to think her heart is ever going to soften towards me. Will just continue to endure this cross to bear, knowing someday Jesus will bless me with a crown in Heaven for putting up with all the crap in this life.
CJ,
Looking at what you and others have written, you are telling my story also. That being said, I’m not mad at God, He is not at fault. These choices were those of my wife, not God.
You say that she is kind and loving in her relationships with kids, family and friends. I would challenge you to take a closer look at those relationships. Kindness and love are very different things. Does her kindness benefit them more than it benefits her?
I would challenge you (And some of the other men here) to read “The emotionally Destructive Marriage” By Leslie Vernick. Some of the things in there might be eye opening to you, they certainly were to me. From the first words of the book, she was saying exactly what I have felt and thought for a very long time.
My wife has also had 2 affairs and she has not done any work toward reconciliation. It has been a real battle for me, but I am finally in the place of saying and meaning it, that I am ready for a divorce. And I finally believe that I won’t be sinning by doing it.
You say “Much like you, I am loyal to a fault and – for who knows why – am committed to my covenant vows of till death do us part, even though that has meant a joyless, angry, bitter and resentful marriage in my heart and soul.”
Why do you not divorce her? If she had an affair you have clear biblical grounds for divorce. Living an angry, bitter and resentful life toward your wife and God, is living in sin.
I get it! I have been living this for a long time, and I am only now fully ready to file for divorce. But I would ask you, even if I am the one that files for divorce, amI really the one divorcing her? Reading in “Redemptive Divorce” The author makes the very good point in all practical ways, she has already divorced you. You are simply informing the government of what has already happened.
P.S. find a new church! Elevation church with Pastor Steven Furtick is really good, and so is Fresh Life Church with Pastor Levi Lusko – they both have apps you can download and listen to sermons for free, and are updated every week. I highly recommend the sermon ‘Let the Dirt Do Its’ Work’ and ‘You Must Be Important’ by Pastor Steven Furtick.
Many good sermons by both of these great pastors. I’m newer to the Fresh Life messages so I don’t have as many recommendations for that yet. But God used them to encourage my heart when my marriage was in shambles and it reminded me that I wasn’t alone and God would redeem this. God has worked in my marriage and my spouse’s heart is softening and so much healing is taking place….God worked a miracle for us and He can for you too.
But no matter what happens….just know that you are loved by God. Psalms says: “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
“I will rejoice in the Lord, I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because You have seen my affliction; You have known the distress of my soul.” – Psalm 31:7
All of Psalm 31, 46, 139, 23, and so many others are worth a read. Isaiah 54 and 55 are encouraging as well. Romans 8.
Prayers going up for you, John. May you know how deeply you are loved.
John…your dependency on your wife is not healthy and your neediness is certainly not attractive to her. You cannot change her…you can only change yourself. I know this because a year ago I was in your shoes. Since then I’ve been working on myself…becoming a better friend, father, husband and most importantly a better MAN. I don’t know about you but I was never given the manual on how to be a husband, yet alone a man! One of the easiest things you can do right now for yourself and your marriage is to reconnect with your guy friends. Then start doing your own research, your own journey to become a better MAN….for yourself first then your wife. I strongly suggest to you and the other guys here to read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Dr Glover…it will open your eyes to the harm we cause ourselves and our marriages by being too “nice.”
Your in my prayers brother…
The truest wisdom written here…… build a better you
John, my heart hurts for you. I don’t have any good advice except for this one thing…and it’s hard to hear and not something you may want to believe right now but….what people are doing to you – what your wife is doing to you….that is *not* the heart of God. I understand based on a pretty awful first 2 years of marriage that it feels like God let this happen to you and why did it have to be like this and you feel robbed of all the things it should have been because you were so ready to love them and give them everything and it hurts.
But trust me when I say that God weeps when you week, He feels your hurt like it’s His own. He is waiting for you to come and talk to Him…He leaves the 99 sheep to save the one that is lost…you are very very loved. God did not want this for you. This is all a consequence of living in a world where people have free will. What your wife’s doing is against God in every way. Apathy, disconnection, unloving, selfish behaviour is nowhere in God’s heart.
Don’t let what people are doing cause you to believe that God wanted this for you. He wants so much better for you….and man, I don’t know *how*, but God will use this for good if you take it to Him and live for Him and His incredible love for you. I don’t know how He’ll do it, but I know Him in whom I have believed. Read Genesis 1. Everything God crested was GOOD. If it isn’t good….God didn’t make it. He’ll use it….and things that are good for us don’t always feel good (like exercise. Haha)…but in this case this was not God’s will. But He is able to redeem your situation…He is the Name above all situations.
You are loved. Turn to Him and pour your heart out. It’s okay to be angry. Be real with God…He loves you so much.
Dear H, I came across your post and started to weep because I am going through the same situation as aware many of the other gentlemen here. I am going on 4 years now without any sex with my wife. It is very painful for me emotionally and spiritually. The lack of any physical touch and emotional connection has created a void in my mind and, I dare say, in my heart. Soo many times I thought I did something wrong. Weeping and yelling has become common place for me. I felt like God wasn’t answering my prayers. I was contemplating thoughts of divorce. I’ve been putting myself down thinking that if my wife didn’t want me what woman would. I’ve prayed and prayed and felt like God was saying no to my prayers. After reading your post I’ve come to understand that God didn’t abandon me. That he doesn’t like what is going on between my wife and I and that he wants the best for both of us. Honestly I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I’m at my wits end. I know I need to stay with God but this journey is soo debilitating.
John, you just described my life to a T. I live that exact scenario. In my case, it is due to my wife going in to menopause 8 years ago, and to this day refuses to accept it. We have been married 18 years now, but the last 8 have been miserable. In the last 5 years I can count on 1 hand how many times we have been intimate. And it has been over 1 1/2 years since the last time she even just laid there and let me do my thing. My youngest child is 12 years old. I will just deal with it for 6 more years until she s 18, then it’s MGTOW for me.
Jim, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. So sorry.
Have you insisted on counselling? Or brought in a mentor couple? Or talked to some of your good friends about this and asked for help?
The thing is, this situation isn’t good for your wife either. She’s cutting herself off from intimacy, and thus likely from God as well. I understand your desperation, but I would just say that before you give up, you make a huge stink and get some help. Maybe she needs to be pushed to make some changes that she won’t make until she realizes how serious the situation is. And that would be better done now than to have the marriage break up later.
The bottom line in ANY relationship, be it professional or personal is to treat people the way you want to be treated. Counseling is so overrated. If everyone took a step back and asked themselves… would I want to be treated like that? There would never be a need for “counseling”. What I find most interesting about counseling is that most people are looking for excuses to validate bad behavior. People do what they want to do, and that’s EXACTLY what these women are doing. They know that these men reverence God, but they themselves don’t. I find solice in the fact that they will stand before God one day and have to give an account for every rejection, and be told “depart from me”.
Darrel,
I find your comment very harsh and lacking compassion. No, women who reject their spouses will not automatically be told, “depart from me”. In fact, few will be. We should not be cutting spouses off from sex unnecessarily for sure, but that’s not the same thing as losing one’s salvation.
Besides that, there can be very good reasons that women do reject sex. Maybe the husband uses her as a receptacle and has never tried to make her feel good. Maybe he treats her as an object. Maybe he’s watching porn and then wanting her to relieve the sexual arousal he’s built up. Maybe he’s emotionally or physically abusing her and expects her to have sex anyway. Maybe she has sexual pain and needs to deal with it. Maybe she’s a sexual assault survivor and needs to deal with trauma.
Rejection is hard on men for sure. But do not ever say that a woman will lose her salvation if she says no to sex. That isn’t scriptural, and it ignores the theme in Scripture that sex is meant to be a mutual thing, not a right that a man has.
I see nothing in your comment that talks about intimacy or growing together as a couple. I only see concerns for men’s release. That’s not the Christian view of sex, either. It’s about a deep “knowing”. Until you can talk about sex as an intimacy you want to share with your wife because you want to know her better, you should likely stop talking about how women will lose their salvation if they reject their husbands even once.
Well. John..John..John. I can’t tell you how if feels to read your words. It isn’t like I have not read them before on other blogs, but like many here, I thought I read my own story. People don’t believe it when you say it or write it, but some spouses just do not care how it makes you feel. Your feelings are your problem. I could go on endlessly, but I am tired Man. I am tired of thinking about it and talking about it (if only to myself). Making lists is just not worth it. No one reads them. No one gives a hoot, and certainly not the one person who should care the most. We have been married 36 years and it has gotten worse every year with absolutely no end in sight.
My wife is a Godly woman; she is truly a child of God. That is MY biggest issue. How can someone so thoughtful, so nice and pleasant be this way? What the hell is wrong with ME? That is what goes through your mind; trust me, I am living it every day. It is compounded by her being trained in Psychology. She gets it on every level.
I am sitting here at work, unable to concentrate, feeling less than worthy for all sorts of reasons. I simply cannot get past this. I get it, I really do. I have done it all, said it all, been everything to everyone. It makes no difference. It is not going to happen.
The saddest part is we don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about much of anything beyond the weather. Just polite conversation. That is all we can muster. The last time I broached the topic, I was told we are not talking about “not talking about it”. There is no where left after that. Nowhere to turn. That is the living end.
I new it was over about 6 years ago after I had been working on myself and my physique. I can wear my Navy graduation uniform again and I felt great. She told me my ass was too bony. I had lost too much weight and she didn’t like it. That is the second I knew it was over. Of all of the excuses I had heard, that one left me speechless. I had no snappy comeback for that. I felt like a baseball player with his bat on his shoulder just looking at the pitch. I couldn’t even swing.
I honestly don’t know where we are anymore. I am getting more bitter every day. She will say something and I just can’t stop myself. I have to snap back. It is very acrimonious. The oddest thing is she will not ask what is wrong. I am convinced she knows but just can’t bear to hear it out loud. She will not admit her part in this. She is the ultimate wall-builder. Someone at her work actually had the guts to say that to her face a few weeks ago. She was so insulted: I wanted to shout from the mountaintops.
I don’t know what to tell you man. I wish I did, but I don’t. My vows are sacred. I gave my word and I will never break it, but how much is a person supposed to take? I don’t want another woman, but to be candid, even if we separated I don’t think I could ever trust another one. If this person could do this, there is no hope. I often just wish God would end it.
By the way, Nick, your comments were not all that bad man. You may not be the best writer, but your sentiments are heartfelt. “Friend-zoned” is one way to put it. It is not the only way. Keep doing what you are doing. I am extremely familiar with Dr. Gottman’s work and I would share some advice; correcting or demeaning someone in such a harsh way is the best way to have them shut down on you.
To Sam, the counselors can’t help someone who does not want it. Kevin, the reason you feel you are at the bottom of the pecking order is because you are. To Chris, I wish you were right, but, I agree with Shelia. We men are not all that complicated. Sex is like bondo. It just fixes stuff. Natalie is right to some degree. Wives need to be called out on this, but sadly the Church is silent. The Church will take a stand on nearly every other thing, but not this.
Oh well, again, I am just tired. Stay cool ya’ll.
Wow. Just. Wow. Reading the pain you men are in because of your wives selfish choices hurts. Brings me to tears, actually. Because I have been that wife to my husband. Denying him, refusing him, over and over again. As recent as this morning. Y’all have brought me to my knees before God. In conviction, repentance and humility. Sheila, thank you so much for your blog, and for the constant courage you display to tackle difficult subjects. I’m praying for all y’all. Please pray for me and my husband, and our marriage! B
I’m tired, too. My wife is a Board Certified Behavioural Analyst, with a background in molecular biology and chemistry. If I bring anything emotional up, she deals with it only in the following ways: 1) Asks, “Have you taken your medicine (antidepressants) today?”; or 2) deals with me like one of her clients…..as a Behaviorist would.
No loving-care as a wife should. Just behavior modification methods (which works for her clients with autism), or chemical induced numbness. No real conversation. No hand holding or hugs. And, very rarely, loving words of affirmation.
As a woman, this just broke my heart. I have the higher libido in the marriage (20 BLESSED years on May 23). I actually griped at my husband about an hour ago for not touching me as I was bending over in front of him to pick something up off the ground. I have NEVER told my husband no, but he has rejected my advances numerous times. I know he works hard so I can stay home with our autistic son, so I try not to let it bother me. It does make me feel unattractive sometimes, though.
I am so grateful for a woman to share about having a higher sex drive than her spouse. My husband has rejected me and denied me sex for about 30 years. I have had to accept it and look at the good things in our marriage (which are many) but sometimes I don’t know what to do with my sexual desire. I occasionally indulge in self gratification which only serves to make me feel worse. And dirty. It is hard. I blame myself.
Hello,my marriage has been empty for 14 years of love passion ,my wife is a very insercue person sex doesn’t entrance her at all she never promote it, I asked her one time to wear something sexual one time she told me that she wasn’t a hoar, and if we ever did it she would say just stick it in. I have not had sex in 4years
John , I feel you, you couldn’t describe it any better,. Only difference is I’m a female and I’m on the edge of cheating I have not yet cause I know it’s not the right thing to do. I’ve talked to him so many times and it’s so repetitive.
I wish I could give you a (completely platonic) hug. And then slap your wife silly and hopefully knock some sense into her… yes, IT IS her problem, she has NO RIGHT to do that to you, and in fact, every responsibility to do the exact opposite!
John, I was thinking of posting but after what I just read it’s almost identical to what I was going to post. After 16 years of marriage, she won’t even try. And this isnt something new. It’s always been this way. All I ever ask is that she at least try. Last year in 2017 we had sex 4 times the entire year. 4! Counseling, church groups, couples retreats…the whole 9. And nothing has changed. If I showed her this very article, it would only lead to a fight. The last thing I want to do is cheat, but something has to give. Perhaps a separation is in order.
John, it seems so odd to read your comment. Because honestly, it felt like I must have submitted it and can’t remember doing it. Seriously. The pain and frustration. The doubts and questiong yourself. And the worst part, feeling numb because it seems there isn’t anything that will change it. That’s what I sensed after reading your comment. All of which I feel as well, almost every day. Like you, I’ve tried everything and came up with the same conclusion as you…they simply don’t care. That became obvious especially after hearing the same words as you, “thats not my problem.”
I wish your wife would be more caring. Do you help each other around the house?I encourage you to come out of the dark cloud. Confront her and talk about it!Again and again!
I feel the exact same way. It’s like God gives me the most beautiful girl in the world and she is tired of being bothered for sex all the time. It must be a real drag to have the person that loves and desires only you endlessly persuing you always wanting to out do his last efforts at making you feel amazing. I feel old and unattractive I’m 7 years older than her and I feel so much older lately. I wonder does she want someone else, am I not getting it done for her does she want better bigger younger what can I work on can I exersize get hair styled different tanning open relationship what does she want? She claims it’s me and she wants a one else but this is getting hard to believe.
I’m considering suicide. She is laying next to me right now and she won’t do anything with me. I ask I can cry or scream threaten promise beg try romance bribery but nothing short of a ruffy calada would have any success.
Mate, I am the wife and I feel exactly the same as you. Just know you are not the only one.
It is numbing to my sense of self and I almost feel guilty even asking. I feel like it is even wrong of me to want these things now. I now understand why people have affairs if hey are rejected.
What I would like to know is:
The core of a woman is to feel desired, cherished and loved by her husband. If the husband is rejecting and giving excuses for years, a woman can loose her sense of self. As I have.
When is enough enough? I’m sick of hearing cookie-cutter Christian answers that have destroyed me. If someone doesn’t care, they don’t care. The bible is pretty clear on being avaiabke for each other. So what’s the alternative? Schedule it 2/3 times a week – forget it (it makes me feel less desired and actually turns me off) so how does that work?
I feel for the husbands but I would greatly suggest the emotional impact on a woman is far greater in terms of damage because I feel the man is in his prime when he feels free to initiate and his wife respond – every time.
My wife is exactly the same except we haven’t had sex in four years! We are in therapy now just started. I think honestly your wife and mine are the same and what they want is a divorce but don’t want to ask for it or file first to save their reputation. They want us to walk out over sex. This is the bottom line. I hate it too because I feel like you and I still love my wife and want her. Rey much. My daughter will go with her and I will lose them both except every other weekend. Not exactly fair when I haven’t done a thing to lose my daughter. Prayers for you my friend.
No offence but your wife is very emotionally abusive. She doesn’t care how this effects you, your marriage, or your family. God doesn’t want you in a relationship that is destroying you. God doesn’t want your destruction.
Hi John. Thank you for your post and Thank you Sheila for caring about this issue. I personally am going through these struggles as well. But before I go too far. I want to say that I’m a broken Man as Well. I have my share of Problems and I admit that. That being said I’ve acknowledged my problems and I have and am still trying to change things for the better. But its very hard when you have a spouse who says they don’t love you in that way and never will. Please don’t get me wrong. I love my wife and we have some great times but we also have a lot of struggles we’re a blended family because of previous divorce. That has caused many issues and still does . but even through all if that I still love my wife. She has had issues that affect her and she admits them and I do my best to acknowledge them and be sensitive to them but nothing works. I’ve been married for 4 years I’ve been faithful and loving. I work hard I’m supportive and loving. I still have faults but the pain of being rejected every time you ask or the comments that are made at other times when you aren’t even trying at the time such as disagreements. Our just plain hurtful. You don’t forget them even though you try. I don’t talk to others because I’m ashamed too and I value my wife and don’t want to make her look bad so I carry it all on my shoulders. But I don’t know if I can much longer the load isgetti g too heavy to carry. I’m desperately reaching out to her and trying but me changing things about myself is getting harder because I’m at the point where I don’t think it would change anything. Yes I get sex once in awhile but it’s not meaningful or reciprocated its more like a chore or task being fulfilled like theowi g a dog someone in awhile. It still hurts cause what I desire most is to be loved and desired from her.
I understand and fully sympathize with the poster’s comments. My own wife has been outright rejecting me for the last five years, and I can’t measure in words the disrespect, defiance, and selfishness I feel from my wife. I’ve concluded after 40 years of marriage I married a basically ego-centric and angry woman. She refuses sex because it’s her middle finger to me, as if it’s a challenge to a fist fight. My weapon is to subtly let her know she cannot defeat me. Her actions are an act of an enemy, and I will not be defeated.
My wife is concerned about people outside our home more than in our home. When our grown daughter is out, working or running errands, she is concerned. When the grandchildren are away, she is concerned. When everyone is home, ok. All is well. When We are out running errands and caring for other people, all is well. When we are home alone with each other, we are apart. When just us two in the house at night, I’m in my bathrobe, nothing else. I sleep nude. She sleeps fully dressed. I know she has a double reason for not being interested in sex. She is a woman and she is blind. She has no idea what it means for a husband to see his wife nude. I have told her. Maybe she is deaf also. Being married for 35 years. She was blind when I married her.
I completely understand your feeling and I am so sorry.
Christ our God in His love gave us and our wives free will. Western Christianity for the most part has forgotten asceticism- but radical holiness is possible while you try to remedy the above error. Personally- my feeling is a loving confrontation followed by a separation to show the spouse the unfaithfulness they are showing to the marriage covenant is in order. I would avoid affairs, self- pleasuring, and pursue a near monastic lifestyle – fasting and praying to God. God is not the author of such an attitude- evil is. The reasons for that evil may date back to ones youth or a sinful thought-life after marriage. As Jesus said- this kind “evil” will only come out by fasting and prayer.
Fast, pray for your marriage, and if needed walk out and separate. Do so lovingly and in an extremely holy manner. Only then will your spouse understand she has broken the covenant and will answer for this in this life (by your absence) and the next !
John.
I absolutely and fully understand everything that you had said and experienced. It almost seems like my post.
One thing I have realized though, in the midst of all this rejection and especially coming from the one you love in this earth the most, I understood that the ‘unfailing Love’ the ‘sacrificial love’ of the Lord. I am certain he can change this situation for you, for me and many others but if he doesn’t do so I would have to commit to live him and trust him because HE is the only one left and the only one that may be needed for me. So, I have moved on and look every day forward to ways in glorifying the Lord.
Please do know that the hurt, lack of physical pleasure, intimacy, conversations with your spouse really affect me. But I cannot dwell in that. Once again I wanted to thank you for the courage in posting this. I wanted to assure you that you are not alone. Many men, especially faithful and living Christ believing men are going through this terrible epidemic that breaks the fabric of the Lord’s institution and society.
You are absolutely correct about trying to educate your spouse with articles and numerous publications on this topic – it simply does not work. You are also correct about the now and then treats thrown at you (as though you are a canine), it’s terribly one sided with other playing rigid/ frigid/ or even as a dead fish. It always feels horrible after eating that treat even to the point of being sick.
I have mentioned many times as how other women at work and gym flirt with me and how weak I feel- yet absolute refusal to understand and care. One things I am doing right now – I am not going to be angry with the Lord. I will simply lean on him and know all is for good just as it was in other things if my life. Please hold on to your faith. There is nothing else certain than your faith in the unchanging Lord.
Ditto… other than the counseling part.. not been to one.. my marriage is only 3 years yet.. after 7 years of seeing each other…
I can relate to just about everything you said in your response. It hurts, I know. The coldness is like thousands of jagged little knives poking you at all times. It spreads to every aspect of your life. I have no answers, just know, you are not alone in this path.
Once a month?! I get shut out for months at a time (over a year at one stretch) and get accused of everything from having affairs to abusing my children, none of which are true. I’m supposed to be loving, kind, patient, but I’m NOT perfect. I uprooted my whole life to be with this woman. We live in the house she chose and moved to be close to HER family and took care of the kids every night for two years to help her further HER career. I do love very her, but I can’t take any of this any more. And she refuses to set foot in any type of marital counseling. And don’t get me started on on what everyone thinks of veterans either. Six years of honorable service, graduated Summa Cum Laude and all I’m good enough for is taking care of kids and stocking grocery shelves?!?! This whole world can go to hell! I’m DONE!!
I’m so sorry, Ryan. That’s awful. Have you sat down with her and said, “this is where we’re heading, it’s not pretty, we need to do something about this now?”
Wow!! “That’s not my problem.” I am right there with you! I feel that same pain, but I do trust God even when I am in a completely dark place. I no longer ask for any help of any kind and I have no hope that my marriage will turn around. Every time I try to talk with my wife about the things that are bothering me, I get the “tell it to the hand.” I have learned to go to bed alone or fall asleep fast, but I can’t sleep forever. The refusal equals rejection in my mind and it makes me feel less than, especially when I have given up everything for her.
Hello
So I’m reading this as a wife who would be considered the “rejector” in our marriage. First, I would like to say I read these posts and my heart sank for every one of you that is suffering. It’s not that “we” don’t care but now I think some of us don’t fully realize how much not having sex can effect our partners. Thus has really opened my eyes and has made me want to work harder at my sex life with my husband. It truly has. Right now we have sex about once a week (twice in a good week). I know without a doubt my husband is not happy in our sex life. Yes, I do come up with all the excuses there is (even though I will say we have a 2year old and I work full time). So must of the time I really am tired by the time we get to be alone. I let sleep win over sex all the time. Marriage is work. There is nothing easy about it. Even if you have an awesome sex life marriage still takes work. I have gotten LAZY in the sex part of my marriage and there is no other excuse for it. Pure laziness and my husband is suffering from it. He has done pretty much done all the things sone of you have mentioned to try to help me want to have sex. I see it and notice it and yes, I still try to come up with an excuse. And yes, I really do feel guilty about it too. I guess not guilty enough to try to change it- well, not until now. I believe everyone deserves to be happy. I do, my husband, everyone does. I can stand to think that my husband is very unsatisfied and unhappy in an area in his life where only I am the one in charge of that satisfaction and happiness— BECAUSE HE CHOSE ME TO BE THAT PERSON!! These posts have made me realize that and I pray that going forward I will put more and more effort into my sex life for my marriage sake. I want him to be happy, I want us to be happy. Thank you all for your honesty and I hope and pray that everyone finds their happiness.
I am so sorry to hear that. I knw that was sometime ago hope your better now. Im in a VERY similiar situation. One of the four reasons im going through a divorce now.
Not to “top that” so I’ll just say it this way. 1 year,5 years,or like me 30 years,is such torturous treatment of your spouse, regardless of who’s the perpetrator in the relationship! Reading this I couldn’t believe how right down to every detail, it’s exactly the life I’ve lived. At 51 years olive been married to my wife for 25 yrs and together 32 of those 51 yrs! I knew for years that Not only was I not alone on this with other people but that it wasn’t my fault. Of course there’s always legitimate reasons were maybe on a particular day or night or week one spouse doesn’t want to have sex with the other, and that’s something that I can deal with if I’m at fault for something bad I’m okay with not punishment but just a little resistance that would be a natural reaction. But I truly have been punished over those 30 years she weaponized it. it’s going to be a long time before you get that she would say and I blamed myself at the end of the day I would always take responsibility do the wrong thing and blame myself consistently every time always thinking I need to be a better man I need to be a better husband a better father maybe I’ll start going to church maybe I’ll join the volunteer group thinking that I had to change everything in life. Not that I had to read a book or an article written by a so-called sex expert or therapist I would beg and plead with her telling her how it affects me how it affects my day I still came home every night I cooked for the family I cleaned I took care of the family pets I took my son to his Sports. It was when you start making more money if you would start treating me better if you want to get so angry when I told you no this is your problem you need to go to counseling I’m not going with you because when I do all you do is sit there and try to blame me for everything it went round and round and round friends of mine family said leave I always told them now I see the goodness in there I always try to find the goodness in her and figured that maybe I’m a sex addict like she said that’s all I cared about you and say I built a beautiful home I excelled in a business that I started that I stayed in for 20 years to 30 years in a marriage 20 years driving company making 250-plus a year I don’t know what else I could do. was I perfect? Define perfect for me the answer of course not that was part of the problem the bar was set High I kept clearing it my friend said finally Pete knock the bar off of it upright said hold it show her that that’s enough every time she raises that you clear it why would she change you need to learn no more no no more there are better people out there or maybe not better people there are people out there that would treat you better. I introduced sex toy not ridiculous just basic for her I was called sick perverted the things that anything that I ask for sick perverted you’re a sex addict I never asked for other people to be involved never cheated never desired another woman she left three years ago separation send that we could work on things if I changed first she wasn’t going to work on anything for the marriage until she saw a real change in me then she filed for legal separation saying just for financial reasons because she want to make sure that she was protected for the future apparently without me it’s not so much how it turned out now it’s for every reason and after all the years that I really put in a lot of effort to try to make sex enjoyable or fun for her she told me last week she’s not sexually attracted to me I guess I’ve been lying to myself for 30 years I feel for you John and I’m sure anyone else reading this would too I’m at a loss now I feel like I failed that too I failed myself for sticking it out so long we have One Life to Live I wish more of us remember that.
As an international worship minister with 2 kids, music producer and songwriter I too feel like my ambition, passion, drive and self esteem have plummeted to rock bottom. I used to be very well put together and in shape, now I’m the opposite and don’t care anymore, there’s no point. Sex is maybe once per month of worst sex ever because she doesn’t put effort. if i initiate i get rejected EVERY TIME (not an over statement) but if i don’t then i am “unhappy” or get the talk “you don’t touch me”, you don’t show me you love me”. I hope something changes i pray for every husband because this is the hardest thing I’ve confronted in life as. What content would you recommend i read?
My story is nearly identical. Including the internal monologue. It helps knowing others struggle too. But it’s disheartening that there is little to no hope for change. I’m at wits end and beginning to wonder what affect all this will have on my life’s longevity.
I feel your pain, and will give you my story and advice. Married my high school sweet hart and knew that was the person I wanted to be with for life after she kissed me at age 15. Joined the military and traved the world with my life partner. We both decided to wait on having a child until we stopped moving so much. Nearing retirement at the ripe old age of 36 we conceived and our marriage became on sided. Being together as man and wife came to an end. After 2 years without being together I (not so nicely) informed her of my pain and was called not nice things for wanting my wife and basically stopped asking. After 7 years of being pushed away had an affair and felt awful. Started to express my feelings of being rejected and pushed away and was told (I will do better) not much changed. Stayed ture and still feeling ugly and tried to work on marriage without any change. Actually worked in Afghanistan and friends when joke when I came home about not having sex and would keep it inside to myself that we were having the same amount of sex being too embarrassed to talk about it. After the 14 year mark I talked to my very calmly and explained how I felt and this relationship can’t continue. Things got better only for a little while and I threw myself into work and going to the gym which helped for a couple years. I decided that I no longer wanted to live without being with another person and made a few friends with benefits which in the beginning I felt terrible about and once again expressed to my life partner how important being with her was and got called GROSS for wanting sex. Now that we are getting ready to be an empty next she wants me and I have no desire to put any effort into having a relationship with the person I loved soo much and was pushed away and became passively aggressive be getting needs meet outside of our relationship. After so long of feeling like a ugly person I still have trouble saying thank you to a compliment. My advice is get away before you serve a life sentence.
90% of that could have been written my me. Your explanation of how your life is ruined and all the things after, that is me. How it affects every aspect of your life, that is me. Wanting my life to just end, that is me.
“But you want to know the sad part? “That’s not my problem!”” That is me.
Other than my children, I’ve wasted my life. I will never have a chance to be happy.
I’m dead inside and don’t care if I’m dead on the outside. Her response “get over it”
Bro!!!! I am in your position.
7 year relationship.
Sex 5-10 times p/year
Its crazy how many levels of mental punishment there are regarding the constant denial.
She perfect in every way apart from this one aspect but this is for me becoming a breaking point.
I consider single life and realistically i would get the same amount yet a 1 night stand gives me nothing as i am after connection.
This relationship is more a friendship. But she a winner in every other aspect.
I think i am going to have to roll the dice and even if i end up with someone else who isnt as great atleast it will alleviate all the negativity associated with this problem.
Lets say i end up alone well being alone when its just you is better than being alone while in a relationship i rkn least ill have something to hope for cause right now im just plain and simply fkd and in a world of pain.
I know this is an old post… But i just have to say i could have wrote that.. Exactly how my life is….Im crying like a baby reading it..
I dont know where to turn..what to do..
Mentally its killing me
It is hard to write this one after the other share because it seems so trivial comparatively. I will however share this with the light that some marriages and some situations are in the healing process and/or partners are willing to work on themselves in their marriage. Grace and I had this conversation in more recent times about rejection and what it does to me. Now mind you she gives quite a lot. However, there have been times where she will take my hand and “throw it” away maybe if I am trying to initiate or sometimes even during sex when she does not like something. Often the word NO accompanies this and a tone of dislike and even a noise of disgust might accompany the situation. It is also done in a terse manner. Rejection runs deep for me. It has to do with me father dying when I was 7 and I am sure being molested did not help either. Sex became my way of fixing the pain. So rejection of sex to me is also associated with fixing the pain. So add that on top of just being a man. For whatever reason I share with other men even ones who are not addicted that rejection of sex hurts. I suppose it may have to do with God’s design. Rejection of God’s design is really what it is. Anyway we had this discussion and what has come of it is a work in progress. Here is where we are at with it. Now in a comical manner when she does not like something or wishes to wait for another time for sex she will talk to me like a person who is smothering a little puppy and adoring it because it is so cute and they talk in a higher pitch of adornment type voice. Because of the sensitivity to the rejection piece now I must swallow hard as to not interpret this as done in resentment. For us I know she is throwing it back at me in a comical way because that is how I operate. That is how we operate too. I prefer to attack things with comedy when my anger is kept at bay. What I really want to share today is: I would like to say that I am grateful for Grace. I am grateful that she is willing to work with me in every area of our marriage. She is my Rock. She held us together all these years waiting for me to get right. I am so blessed and thankful. Thank You God. Sunday Grace and I are married 18 years. I really don’t know how we made it but I am so THANKFUL> Have a great weekend everyone!
My husband could have written that just a year ago. It hurts to read those things now, but I think it’s good for me to read them. It helps me to truly grieve the years we lost and to keep my resolve of never going back there.
Why were we there? A combination of many reasons: past abuse, porn issues, lack of emotional connection, lack of understanding intimacy. But from my side- I rationalized my rejection for a long time. I thought I was doing all I could handle and thought the worst of him. So not fair! When I started honestly praying about our sex life and asking God to work in me to love well- the process started that brought healing to all the places that had been broken by abuse and neglect. It was gut wrenching work but God held me through it. We are stunned today at what God has done. But it took a lot of work and even more trust in God to break the barriers that were between us.
I implore everyone to not be satisfied where you are personally if you know your spouse isn’t satisfied. Seek the Lord to search your heart. You can’t change your spouse, but you can journey through your own stuff. You may not end up with what I did because it takes two. I am so grateful that my husband took his own journey of healing to make our story possible. But working on your healing with God is never wasted time.
That’s wonderful, Gwen. Thanks for speaking out!
Gwen, thank you for sharing. Your insight resonates as it’s a journey I’ve put myself on. My wife and I have had an OK intimate life but definitely dinged and scarred by her rejecting. But I discovered in talking with a friend of mine that so much of it was rooted in my own selfishness. Having not yet discovered Sheila’s blog, my friend noted that I was strictly seeking the physical side of sex, and that I needed to add, what Sheila calls, the emotional and spiritual strands back into the thread to make the cord. I needed to recalibrate myself to put us—my wife and I—ahead of me. My friend came up with a couple of great terms for sex in marriage, calling it “a celebration of us” and “a communion.” And as I’ve begun working on that recalibration and praying for God’s reboot and rebuild of my thought processes and attitudes, there’s been a definite changes in how my wife—and we—approach sex with each other. As you write, Gwen, it’s a journey and a process, but I’m grateful I’ve embarked on it. Thanks again for your insight and sharing it.
I admire a woman such as yourself in researching these experiences and bettering yours with your husband. God bless you and your Union.
It is so awesome how God honored your humbleness and repentance. You are the rarity rather than the norm in my experience. So you are truly special and I hope your husband truly appreciates you being open to the Holy Spirit moving through you.
My wife has a poor self-image and has been through sexual abuse and has paranoia and PTSD so I try to understand, but it is hard. Women would never accept it if their man refused to buy them gifts or take them out to eat or tell them he loves them or clean up around the house or help with the kids because he’s not in the mood or doesn’t feel like it. Yet women seem to get a free pass. It’s so frustrating on a man to be reduced to the roommate status.
I grew up being consistently friendzoned by women and when I get turned down sexually, it’s like being friendzoned all over again. I get the message that I’m not desirable. I’m not exciting enough. I’m not worth it. It’s hard to focus on anything else when you have other things to do and your body is just screaming that you want to make love to your wife. When that need is met, it’s far easier to focus on everything else.
I love my wife. It would be awesome if she would let me love her more and I pray for her healing here. She is my great gift, but I wish I could get to bless her more with myself.
Nick, I kind of find your comment offensive – 1.) there are plenty of women who do live in marriages where they ‘accept’ all those things and 2.) things like helping with the housework and the kids are duties that should be shared between members of the household. By lumping them together and then saying that is the same as a woman saying no to sex, you are definitely turning sex into just another duty for her, not Gods gift in marriage, as it should be! Sex should not be something we feel we have to do, it should be something we are thankful we get to do!
Plus, I really, really, really hate the word ‘friendzoned’, as if having a girl as a friend is somehow insulting or degrading. To me, language like that really makes me think that you are seeing sex as a duty that your wife should perform for you, and that women are not worth getting to know or spending time with unless there are sexual benefits to you. Obviously, I am not your wife, so I don’t know how you using such language and choice of words affects her, but I can tell you that this comment right here would easily negate a weeks worth of pro marriage FB memes proclaiming your love, if it was me.
The Gottmann institute has found that it takes five positive interactions to counteract a single negative interaction in a relationship, which is a rather sobering statistic, when you think about it!
E. I suggest you try to hear what this man is saying. When a man is “friend zoned” that means he’s been sexually rejected. If you want to move forward in a relationship and then are rebuffed that’s painful. It says nothing about the platonic friendships a man may have with other women.
Also, sex is absolutely a duty. It doesn’t say in the Bible that men must help with the dishes or take out the trash, but it absolutely does say that husbands and wives owe each other their conjugal rights. That can be a joyful duty or a burdensome one, but it’s still not something either one can neglect and remain in obedience to God.
E, I feel like you’re overreacting (takes one to know one.) For one, sex *is* a duty, just a good one (like tasting the cookies to make sure they’re okay to serve. 😉 ) Secondly, friendzoning is cruel to the man – he gets all invested in a woman he wants to be his romantic partner, and then she downgrades him. Don’t we invest more in our spouses than our friends?
What I wish is that the women who are refusing sex would have a conversation with the women who are being refused by their husbands. Woman to woman. Because I think that the first group tends to dismiss the issue of rejection with a disgusted feeling that men just “can’t keep it in their pants.” But it’s amazing how rejection becomes understandable when it happens to you. If that first group of women would see that it’s not just a man thing, maybe there would be some empathy.
I do suspect that some men who are experiencing rejection are doing too much begging, pleading, whining, and bribing, and it’s all counterproductive. If a man treats himself with a lack of respect, that can throw a wet blanket over any interest his wife could have developed. I notice that the man in the original post says, “I feel like now that I’ve stopped initiating, she’s starting to get worried.” Maybe stopping initiating is exactly what needs to happen for a while, so that the wife can stop feeling pestered and start wondering why her husband doesn’t seem interested.
Hi Keith,
I agree–sometimes it takes the guy backing off for the woman to realize what she has done in her marriage.
I like the idea of woman to woman–the high drive wives talking to the low drive wives, or the normal-drive-but-deprived-wives talking to the low drive wives. That’s a great conversation to have. Let me think on how that could happen here, but if you’re a wife and your husband is refusing you–please talk to your friends about it. They need to understand how it feels, too! (and you need people to talk to as well).
Has “the guy backing off” strategy ever worked? I’m not being flippant when I ask this. I have “backed off” for about the last year, and I think my wife is just relieved that I don’t push it anymore.
Not initiating does not work. A little more than a year ago, I told her it was up to her to initiate, I was tired of trying. She gave me the excuse that we couldn’t have sex because of my high blood pressure. (I am only slightly elevated occasionally and only take supplements–no prescription drugs). I told her that our situation stresses me and contributed to the HBP. I also pointed her to several articles that show that more frequent sex is good for health, CV health in particular. I told her I would not hold her responsible if I had a heart attack during sex and we had what I thought was a breakthrough conversation where she actually suggested “once a week” and I agreed. That was over a year ago and the same excuses keep coming and needless to say, nothing has changed.
Or sometimes it’s that a woman gets no attention from her man other than sexual attention. She is starving too. There is no connection, just a desire for sex. I think we all forget that there is more than one way to express love. If one does not have the same sexual need, but has a need for quality time or words of affirmation, they can feel just as rejected and starved for love as the one who isn’t getting their sexual needs met. It’s a painful cycle of denying love.
Stacey, I think that’s an excellent point, and one that I addressed on my guest post on February 13. There are plenty of men who never communicate or touch except when they want sex, and then can’t understand why their wives are not responsive.
Spot on, Stacey. What if starved women are just as hurt (if not more hurt) than Starved husbands? Let’s all be kind and empathize with each other. We all need love in our own special ways. 😇
I really like this idea, Keith. I remember in the early years of marriage, when I lived around my childhood friends and we were then all married and would sometimes get together for drinks to catch up, well, I would feel like screaming at them and wanted to shake them as they complained about their husbands wanting sex so much. I was so secretly envious. I was too embarrassed to admit I was DYING to be wanted. They just assumed that I was fine as I’d always been the life of the party and the one with all the dates. But when I married, it was like an ugly joke. Unwanted. Exactly what was said by the man in this post – my husband has more than once said, “sorry, I just don’t think about it, I can take it or leave it”, and its like knives in me. So, I think now as I’m busier with mama worries and children, etc…I don’t have time to dwell as much but it is still a dark place inside me. It was almost scary how I resonated with the MAN posting this. And then, poor John at the start, that broke my heart. I know that pain. Anyway, YES, we need dialogue! I’ll be happy to open up to low drive wives about what it is like and what it drives your mind to. It is hell.
Anyway, thanks for bringing this all up, Sheila.
That’s actually why I ended up doing IVF. I was so tired of being rejected and ignored and unloved, and it was obvious that he would never be willing to have sex enough for me to have children naturally.
I always wanted kids and a big family (like, a million dogs and cats and the whole chaos). At first, it was just a natural desire, but there is a part of me now that hopes that having children of my own will be enough of a distraction and fill enough loneliness and provide enough purpose that I don’t feel the rejection as deeply.
I know how bad it hurts for my wife to reject me. A few years ago we lost our child and I knew that would kill what sex life we had before she got pregnant. I know there will be some who say,” she lost her child and you can’t have grace and patience for her to grieve?! Typical man, all he thinks about is sex!SMH” Well yes I did. We went the next 6 months and had sex 1 maybe 2 times. I was patient as I could be. It was 5 months before we did it again. Since that time we have had sex MAYBE 10 times a year.
I could handle well until the doctor put me on testosterone injections. Talk about torture. Triple a man’s hormone that is responsible for sex drive and make it take an act of God for his wife to sleep with him.
I have been going to counseling for depression ( the testosterone has helped with the depression and I am also taking an antidepressant) and the counselor wanted my wife to come in as well. Sounds like a good idea? Well all that came out of those sessions and the books we were to work through was; everything in the marriage was my fault. I know I am not the best husband but I try.
We addressed the lack of sex in our marriage while in therapy and resulted in nothing. My wife contends that if I am kind, make her laugh and help out around the house then she’ll have sex with me. So, I push all my stuff( and at times my job) to do the thing that she asks for. When I ask , yes I have to ask her if we can have sex, it is usually met with “sigh, ok just make it quick” or “hurry up”.
The last time we did it, I basically resigned my self to rechannel that sexual energy into my work and reaching our financial goals. Maybe a new house and no debt will make me sexy
I have suggested she look at some of Shiela’s articles and she refuses that too. As far as I know.
Anyone have any suggestions?
Interesting, D.. I have been reading these comments wanting to make some of my own, but for somewhat different reasons. I too have spent the better part of the last 20 years, after our kids were born floating about the house not sleeping with my wife. It was so long in between sexual encounters, I gave up keeping track. Going to Mexico was good for one time and one time only. Everything changed over the past few years, when she and I began to get hormone treatments. Me for low T and her for both Estrogen and T, yes women need testosterone too. That didn’t truly come to fruition until I decided to make some personal changes this past February, walking for 30 minutes a day and stopping my intake of alcohol, which had become mostly craft beer and in particular IPA. Needless to say it got her attention and before I knew it, we were sharing a bed again. Who knew? Not to sound like a spam post, the therapy we started is a pelleting system by a company called BioTE (https://www.biotemedical.com/). Since my wife is a physician, it became clear these pellets that are placed under the skin is a more effective way for the body to absorb hormones. The biggest change was for my wife who is 8 years post menopause and it has pretty much given her a sex drive again. It took my own health epiphany for her to share what the effects were for her, which I was shocked to hear. Since that time we have been trying to come to terms with how we find our way back to intimacy, but without the pellets, nothing would have changed and my story was easily equal many of what I have just read.
Suggestion when the advice about doing all this extra crap and then your spouse will want to have ex is garbage. They either want or they don’t. Think at the beginning of any relationship did you have to jump through a bunch of hoops (help with chores, give back rubs, fold laundry) to get them in the mode? Heck no, it’s called desire sex over transactional. Transactional sex will leave you feeling empty because you won’t have the emotional connection. For all of us who have “put up” with poor behavior stop. The Bible says fir a season, well that’s three months. Tell your spouse hey you used to want me x amount of times per week and if that doesn’t change I’m out. I mean who in the hell would get married to not have sex. And men get your balls back, lead and work on your own life. By the way I hate divorce and what it can do to children but it’s time that spouses who lack respect and empathy to be called out. If you stay in a unloving marriage you will teach your children to accept and probably fall into the same type of marriages.
Sheila, I appreciate your blog. However, your statement about the commenter masturbating in the shower is so insensitive. You are right, we don’t know what else is occurring in their marriage. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. I have been in a sexless marriage for more than 25 years. She said it was birth control and that could have played a part…but it is no excuse. What would your advice be to a man suffering from depression and not providing for his family be. You would advise him to seek help. What if he didn’t get good advice and it didn’t help.? You would tell him to go elsewhere and seek another opinion. You would tell him to keep trying, because it was too important to his family. We have been to multiple Christian counselors and the advice was for me to do this and do that. I did it all. My wife tells me I am a good husband and father and I can bring her to orgasm whenever she wants it. I have read books on being a good lover, too. We never had a counselor say, “Go home and have sex with your husband.” Fast forward to today. I don’t initiate. I am going to work as many hours as I can. I am going back to school to pursue graduate education. I am angry at God. My wife cried and when I told her I was going back to school and our kids are growing up and going off to college. I DON’T WANT TO BE HOME. I used to try and talk about, but I quit. I give up. And I will never spend another dime on a “Christian” counselor. It is so skewed toward what the woman needs. I did not get married to not have sex. I got married to have sex in the context of a great friendship. I was defrauded. I quit. She has destroyed my confidence, our marriage, and my relationship with God.
I, unfortunately, echo the comments of many of the men in this comment thread.
John, while I haven’t come to the point you are at, I can understand how you would get there feeling discouraged in so many other areas of your life due to the rejection from your wife. Because I am living a similar situation, and feeling I have no one to talk to about it. Partly because the conversation with my wife will typically end in a fight and partly because I feel guilty sharing the struggle and looking for advice from any of our friends because because they are friends with my wife too and I don’t want to do anything to paint her in a bad light to others.
But, going eight months without sex proved trying and now another two after a respite in the middle continues to increase the feelings of worthlessness and loneliness.
I feel confused of where to turn because I feel I’m at the bottom of the “pecking order” for my wife. Her well-being from being tired after work takes precedence, then the kids, then, her relationship with her parents, and, at some point, I fit in there, but not in any sort of real capacity usually. I am married, but don’t feel like I have a wife.
Even when we do have sex, I can obviously tell she is not interested, feel like she wants to get it over with and feel like it’s really just because she feels obligated. If I talk to her about that, though (because it makes me feel guilty), she gets upset, tells me that I just ruin it by talking like that, and get told that because I ask those types of questions (why she isn’t more into it, what I can do to help it be something she’d like), that’s the reason she isn’t in the mood ever. Even telling me that, if I want to have sex, I’d better just get used to her not really being into it because it’s not something she ever thinks about. She’ll blame it on medication she’s on, her stressful day, the kids, anything but looking at why she’s never interested.
I’ve sent her articles from this site, which she has occasionally read, said that they were really good, but it did nothing to change. When she showed interest in the article, I bought her Sheila’s book, which she never read. So, I figured that maybe the book just wasn’t her speed, so I ordered her the low libido course so she could watch the videos, thinking that may be something she’d be more interested in. Even with occasional prodding and asking, she’s only watched two minutes of the first video. Usually when I bring it up, she says, “You seem to think these videos have some sort of magical powers. That’s not how it works.” Essentially saying, this is how I am, deal with it.
I say all this, especially to John, so he would know he’s not alone. I am in the struggle like you John. I too have asked God to lower my libido so I wouldn’t feel resentful or frustrated towards my wife. I’ve even looked for any sort of pills, natural or otherwise, that lower libido, to not much avail. There’s (understandably) not quite the market for a pill like that compared to Viagra. 🙂
So, John, hang in there. Pray for opportunities to be opened for you to share and that your wife, and mine, would see the pain that their rejection causes and that the pain goes deeper than they understand.
This comment
“You seem to think these videos have some sort of magical powers. That’s not how it works.” Essentially saying, this is how I am, deal with it.
I seem to recall saying something similar during my rejection time. The conclusion wouldn’t have fit me though. I wasn’t saying that my husband had to deal with it. I was trying to say that I didn’t know how to deal with it. My story is that I was wrapped in so much shame that any effort to address the issue felt like being stabbed. It took some major work to deal with that.
I don’t know what your wife meant by that comment- maybe she really did mean for you to deal with it. But on the slight chance that it might be a cry for help or understanding or pain that she can’t figure out how to rid herself of, I thought it was worth mentioning. I knew something in me was broken but I was terrified to find out what it was. The prodding added to my fear and shame. When my husband convinced me that he was on my team and would stand by me while I traveled my hard road- it created a safe place to dig into the shame and ultimately out of it.
That’s just my story- it might not relate to yours at all. Just throwing that out in case it helps anyone.
Thanks Gwen for your insight. You’re right, I may be misreading it, but when she says that it just feels like, “I don’t think it’ll work anyway, so stop bothering me.” I’m not even saying that I “expect results from this,” I’d just like to have her try to see if it does make a difference.
At this point, I feel guilty bringing up watching them or my feelings around sex because I feel like I would just be pushing my desires on her. I just feel like I should accept that she’s not interested and learn to live without. It’s hard to do because it just makes me feel like if only I was “better” or better looking or something, she’d be more interested, but since I’m not, I’m just not enticing enough.
To another commenter’s point, I am very vocal with saying I love you, trying to kiss her, be affectionate, etc. I even feel I don’t just want “sex,” but just to feel the passion between us and to feel desired, but like I said, I may be asking too much and just need to accept where things are and learn to be content.
Thank you very much for sharing. It gives me something to consider!
Kevin, if you haven’t read my posts on this thread I invite you to do so. I hope I can be your friend and be of help. Your libido is part of your God-given nature and personally I wouldn’t put my energies into changing it. For me, the key to getting unstuck from where you are was to realize 1. that we get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and 2. God didn’t want me to be miserable and that divorce would be preferable to misery. For me I figured that it would be embarrassing, costly, inconvenient, hard to explain to my family and friends, make me feel like a failure, etc. Plus I figured out I could tough if out. Besides, staying married was the path of least resistance. Well, Kevin, the path of least resistance doesn’t have a very good reputation. I decided that as hard as it would be to get divorced, it would still be better than the torture I was living. I say, do what YOU have to, to solve YOUR problem. When your wife sees that the old way of ignoring and rejecting doesn’t work for her anymore she might just change for the better. In any case, have courage and forge ahead until things are right for you.
I’m single for 6 years. I was married for 21 years. I listen to a guy called jimmy evans ( Christian speaker) about how relationships work. This guy has changed my thinking, he covers it all. He has plenty of stuff on you tube. “God’s perfect plan for marriage “is my favorite. Another writer called HENRY cloud wrote “ boundaries “
I think In marriage we don’t exercise good boundaries. If our spouse doesn’t want to meet our needs , what would be wrong with leaving? God’s Word never said we had to stay. Consequences to our actions exist everyday. Leave him or her if everything else has been tried, he or she might not change, but YOU can! Just my thoughts. P.S. I look forward to being married again. 😎
Some would advise a man in a sexless marriage to find another woman. It would be advisable to first consider how he would go about this endeavor. Would he look for a woman who seems to automatically show him the affection he desires or thinks he deserves? Or, would he set his sights on a woman with admirable qualities, but with no apparent attraction to him, determining to do whatever it takes to seduce and win her affections? He that leans to former should take pause. To continue on to another relationship will very likely result in a repeat performance. We are told “We love because Christ first loved us.” This is the paradigm within men should be operating. Perhaps what is needed is not a new wife, but a new man.
Sheila, some time back you wrote a post titled (something like) “how can we talk about mens sexual needs in a healthy way?”. As i recall that post never really answered the question but went off on a small bunny trail about how to hold your car keys as a rape prevention strategy. If in the future you revisit that post, maybe you could talk about this subject. That men have a need to not be perpetually rejected by their wives. I suspect most wives (including mine) would balk at that as us husbands pressuring them even more.
Actually, in that post I have a whole way of talking about sex that would be much healthier. Yes, I did tell how women feel. I think that was important so that men understand that the “obligation sex” and “guilt sex” message doesn’t work, and makes things worse for women. If people talked about sex the way I laid out at the bottom of that post, I think it would be far better. And you can read it here.
Uh, nope. I just reread the post. The last 9 paragraphs are a sales pitch to women about why sex is important in marriage. And sheila, thats wonderful. But it does not address the original question at all. The question was “how can we talk about mens needs?”. You are conflating mens needs with sex. You are making the pitch for sex, not for mens needs! You are making the same mistake mainstream feminism does! You are treating men and their needs like a non-entity. Like a commodity. Please sheila, dig deeper.
Actually, Chris, the last 9 paragraphs are for BOTH. That’s the way we should be talking about sex to men, too–that it’s about intimacy, not just physical release. I really think the reason we’re in the problems that we’re in are because we talk about sex the wrong way to BOTH sexes. God designed us to “know” each other first and foremost through sex, not just to get physical release. And as we’re more intimate, the physical actually feels better and the libido is ignited. I think if we could talk about sex that way to both genders, we’d see a lot of these problems dissipate.
I know I have been this wife on more than one occasion. I feel like I try very hard not to say know because I know what it does to him… but even when I say yes half-heartedly, or try to push through my lack of interest and get into it, he can tell, and then he says he doesn’t enjoy it because he knows I’m not enjoying it. Which is kinda lovely, knowing that he wants me to enjoy it… but it’s frustrating st the same time because I feel like I do try reasonably hard to do it for him, but then he still can’t appreciate it.
One thing I will say is that for the most part, the only time we ever kiss or really even touch (and a peck on the lips when he gets home from work does NOT account as a kiss!) is when we’re having sex, or the only time he says “I love you” or “you’re beautiful” is during or after sex… makes a wife feel very used.
Hey R,
the last thing you said about feeling used if it’s only after sex that your husband is telling you those nice things – it takes a different perspective to understand that. By reading lots of Sheila’s (and other people’s) materials I myself understand now that it’s not how it may look to a woman. Because a man thinks in different ways.
Here it is condensed in Sheila’s words:
‘I think what many of us women want is for our husbands to love us and act all affectionate EVEN IF we don’t make love, and in an ideal world, perhaps they would be able to. But that’s asking an awful lot of a guy. Sex is so tied up in his ability to feel loved, that you’re basically saying to him: “I want you to shower me with affection and love me completely even if I don’t show you any love at all.” That’s rough.’
So a man needs different things to feel loved than most of women. By default we love hugs and kisses and that could suffice us. But for them it’s actually the sex and feeling wanted. If we don’t get the hugs and kisses we also feel lousy and start doubting if he really loves us. The same happens to him if we find sex completely uninteresting and just for him.
He tells you that he loves you after sex not because he is glad that he could use you, but because he truly feels connected, wanted and loved when you make love.
Take a look at this article – I hope it will help you too understand men more 🙂
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-6-why-your-hubby-wants-your-body/
I can really relate to you R. It was our constant conversation here too. For 27 very LONG years
I then read Sheila’s book: A Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. I tell you this has been LIFE CHANGING in our home. I was so surprised at how wrong my perception was (I’m a research fanatic so I had a lot of information on sexuality on board and I was like you, sex was hard because he enjoyed it and I didn’t even though I was trying or so I though. I did all kinds of things to try. I followed any tips I could find but alas they did not work …)
The point is that as woman our bodies FOLLOW our thoughts. IF our thoughts about sex are TOXIC then our bodies shut down. What we think about daily becomes our daily reality. In reality we are reaping what we sow in our thinking.
IF we choose to capture those thoughts and address them with TRUTH our bodies reawaken and as we CHOOSE to ACTIVELY LOVE upon our spouse our bodies realise what is good and our brains wake up to the feelings that have been there all along but our brains choose to ignore these feelings because of our NEGATIVE thinking. It’s fancy name is disassociation.
Let me tell you after 27 years of toxic thinking it’s taken us a good five months to REAWAKEN my brain to FEEL my body. and to be HONEST it’s been hard work but so very WORTH it.
I am constantly SURPRISED by what feels good. Now I am begining to understand why he wants to love upon me that way.
I am honestly so SHOCKED at how much pleasure it gives me to make HIM feel GOOD and the only thing that changed was the way I THOUGHT about sex.
Have I had an orgasim? No … but you know what? At nearly 50 and post menopausal I am ENJOYING learning to love deeply and fully. I am grieved by the LOST years. I wish I had had this knowledge years ago because 27 years is a very long time to loose in your life and tomorrow is not promised.
I have to say that reading this, along with a number of other things on this site, I wish I could share with my wife without being accused of starting a fight.
Our marriage started out 9 years ago and we were both almost insatiable. Then anxiety and panic attacks kicked in and after a brief period of trying to get pregnant she did become pregnant and was extremely ill for most of it, and I tried my best to understand and be patient but I turned to Porn.
This was discovered just before the baby came and created a huge hurt and a huge rift and whatever physical intimacy wasn’t robbed by illness was gone. This was even made worse by post partum depression. So after counseling, I relapsed into porn and even had a brief email exchange with a woman from a website, this was discovered as well and almost broke us.
Once again, we tried for a second baby, and after trying for some time there was a miscarriage and then thankfully a healthy baby who made my wife violently ill for all 9 months of her pregnancy and after delivery post partum anxiety came crashing in… there was a period of about a year that there was no physical intimacy, and I once again relapsed into porn. This was discovered again right after my second child’s first birthday and she stated we were simply roommates and Co-parents and separated.
I worked through counseling and recovery, changed jobs to be more available at home, and for the last 2 years have done a bulk of the house work and worked full time while she stayed home, but if we are physically intimate it’s maybe once every 6 weeks and even then just when she’s so frustrated that she wants to “take care of things”
I realize that I’ve built a mountain of hurt and I should be lucky to even be married but the rejection doesn’t hurt any less. We haven’t shared a bed in almost 5 years and I should be used to it by now, but I can’t. All of the depression and feeling uncared for and unappreciated and unattractive is still there but now without the old coping strategies. We had a falling out over her reading of romance novels and now she says she feels too hurt to be physically intimate. I just worry it’s too late to ever come back.
Things are cordial and even most times affectionate but I feel like we are disconnected, that I’m unwanted and even taken advantage of some times. I don’t know what to do except pray and wait.
Try a conversation written down, of your thoughts and questions to God, and his answers in faith, backwards and forwards in your thoughts. Pen them! It could really surprise you by how much he shows you he loves you. That will fill the inside holes in your heart, and it will be the healing that your heart needs, in part. I’m not going to quote scriptures, just say, ‘try it’! You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, in my experience. There’s lots I could say, I just had a massive conversation with God for your benefit just to witness what one looks like on paper, but it’s so cool. I’m learning how to love by learning to be loved in conversation with God, and it’s so helpful for presenting a united unselfish and loving front to my wife whenever she”s hurting me and when she’s not, because I know who I am again and again, by hearing it from him as he unfolds to me who I am in his sight, and I can just be myself too. So cool, not religious, just a Dad who loves me despite my foibles and helps me overcome them to everyones benefit.
Hi Andrew, congratulations and kudos on your steps to recovery. We really need testimonies from more couples who have overcome porn addiction with their marriage intact.
I can tell you that discovery of porn within marriage is extremely traumatic, and especially if it comes anywhere in the pre/post partum spectrum. And even though relapse is a typical part of even successful recovery, it is extremely embittering to be a partner who has this forced into their life against their will – while they are trying to learn to parent. You feel like you have given all of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally to your husband and family, and it was worth less than nothing. It can take a long time to get over it, and only recently has there been help available to the partners – the focus and support is all for the addict.
It sounds like withholding sex is not an issue in your marriage, but rather a symptom of unhealed hurt. Maybe recommend this for your wife?
http://vickitiede.com/store-2/#!/Finding-Hope-Support-&-Study-Group/p/25646036/category=6002004
John (who shared on 4/27/18) and others (men and women) whose needs are being ignored and generally rejected- I’ve been there and miraculously am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. God is a God of miracles! He doesn’t solve our problems for us. That would cripple us and negate a major purpose of life – for us to use our God-given abilities, intellect, and right to receive personal revelation to learn, overcome trials, and gain faith in Him. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for understanding, help, mercy, and guidance. I started going to an inspired counselor, at the suggestion of an inspired church leader. This is not “marriage counseling” with both husband and wife, trying to figure out how to get along. This is counseling for me and my mental health. We spoke about how the status quo wasn’t working for me but it was for my wife, we got to talking about divorce. I was asked “What do you owe your marriage (of several decades)?” and “How will I know that I am taking the right course?” My answers, in time, were that I had given enough already and could walk at any time. God didn’t create us to be miserable and I concluded that divorce was preferable to misery. I decided that I deserve and will have a positive, loving, and fun-loving wife that can’t keep her hands off of me. Who that is remains to be seen. To be extra sure I was doing the right thing I spent a day to write a “Pre-nuptual agreement” and gave it to my wife. Instead of “hoping for the best” like I did when first married, I included things like touching and frequency of love-making. She actually came to life. If she stays alive she will be my positive, loving, and fun-loving wife that can’t keep her hands off of me. So don’t give up on having your needs met, YOU AND GOD have the power to make it happen!
Sheila, perhaps this is the germ for a separate post, but picking up on strands of this post + Chris’ comment about the “Healthy Discussions of Men’s Sexual Needs” post, I’m curious if you and your readers have insight for the higher-drive spouse (like myself) can ask our lower-drive spouses confidently without fearing the rejection that’s discussed here. After some recalibration, my wife’s and my sex life is on a healthier path (after many many years of not). Yet, those many many years have left a mark in me where I find I still have to muster a LOT of courage to even ask her if she’d entertain the idea of having sex with me. I will say that when she initiates, I eagerly accept. But for me to initiate, it take a lot of muster and battling against Satan’s speaker where he whispers, “Why bother? She’s probably just going to turn you down.” Any thoughts or strategies are appreciated.
I think the answer to the posts question is “No, we absolutely have no real comprehension of how it affects our men”. How could we truly, it’s not our experience and it is not our intention to be hurtful. But we also don’t know what at to do to fix it. The turning point for us was my husband giving me an ultimatum of leaving me and the kids. I still can’t believe to this day he would have considered leaving our kids. Anyway, what helped me most was a book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by doctor Laura Schlessinger to change my mind set and help me gain insight. I was very selfish but again not intentionally. I now have agreed with hubby that I won’t say no and agree with Sheila that a woman’s sex drive is different the more you do the more you want, but you have to start somewhere.
As a high-libido Christian woman who has married twice to low-libido men, I want to make a comparison.
Marriage 1: I was a virgin on our wedding night. Husband with low sex-drive because — as I later discovered — he was attracted to children, not adult women. Like most pedophiles, he was also self-centered, so the rejection was sexual and emotional. (By the way, we met at church and were active churchgoers.)
Marriage 2: Older husband with low sex-drive due to medical conditions. While dating I made sure we talked about my desire for sex. He hinted that he wasn’t as vigorous as he used to be. That was an understatement: It was obvious to me he was impotent.
My counselor said, “If there’s no sex, your marriage will end up as annoyed roommates who don’t respect each other.” It was embarrassing for me, but I kept bringing it up. My husband knew how important it was, and he found workarounds that are sexually satisfying for me. He makes sex a priority. I feel very loved.
I’ve adjusted to initiating all of the sex. It goes completely against the way I was brought up, but frankly it works for us. In order to keep it fair — so my husband feels like he has a vote and isn’t a mere sex slave — I ask for sex within a time frame and he chooses the specific time. Of course, sometimes we have problems. His low drive also feels like low-attraction, so I ask him to amp it up a little, which he does.
He loves me like crazy and I’m glad this is something he takes seriously. It keeps our emotional relationship warm and affectionate throughout the day.
As someone else commented earlier, biblical marriage contracts included sexual rights (Exodus 21:10). There was a minimum set by the courts. The apostle Paul alludes to this in 1 Cor 7:3-5. Read David Instone-Brewer’s fascinating book, “Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible.” I do believe that refusing sex is biblical grounds for divorce, and I think it needs to be discussed.
Whether or not refusing sex is Biblical grounds for divorce, I think long-term refusal is a form of emotional abuse. Just listen to these men! It’s obvious they are being harmed down to their innermost beings! So sad.
Ashley, generally speaking the harm these men are experiencing is self-induced and in most cases could be remedied with the assistance of a skilled PUA/coach. The problem is many men have not been taught about the male initiating aspect required to sustain a healthy sexual relationship. Instead many men operate out of a fear of rejection which almost always becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Interaction with porn is one of the primary indicators of this fear, since porn is not human and therefore no possibility of rejection exists. However, men do have a solution.
I don’t know that I agree with you. It sounds like some of them at least have tried affection and wooing that a woman would need. I should have clarified though that if a man is using porn a woman is right to not sleep with him. Porn is one of the things that ended my marriage. It’s deadly to relationships!
Poor man.
“The one who works his land will be satisfied with food,
but whoever chases daydreams will have his fill of poverty.” —Proverbs 28:19
This is a generalized and obtuse statement. I would be excited to start with just hugs and kisses. I have initiated 95% of contact in all forms of physical contact. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had not received a hug from her mother until after she was 16 years old. I don’t blame her for these issues, but it has taken the same mental health toll on me as these other men. Moreover, I can’t force her to get help or therapy. Please consider the pride in your statement. Not every solution is applicable to every situation.
The comments from the men here are heartbreaking.
I’m a staunch believer in fighting it out for your marriage, but some of these women need to be taken in front a board of elders for neglecting their marriages. Sexually checking out of your marriage isn’t right, and no man should be expected to just deal with it. We wouldn’t give men a pass on doing the hard work of dealing with personal failings that are destroying a marriage, so we shouldn’t be giving women a pass either.
Since Sheila talks about boundaries so much I’d like to hear her take on what boundaries in this situation would look like – I have to think that removing energy from the marriage would be appropriate, but doing that in a way that creates room to pull your wife towards you instead of just locking a door between you would be the trick.
Although, now that I think of it, Athol Kaye wrote a book called Married Man’s Sex Life which I think addresses some of those points. Some of the men commenting here might find it useful.
I’m sorry but forcing a woman to stand in a room with a bunch of men who are telling her to have sex with her husband or else and publicly humiliating her will not help the situation. It will only make her resent her husband and make her hate sex even more. There is a reason why these women hate sex and Sheila addresses it in a compassionate way where we can work through the issues. I personally hate sex right now because it’s physically painful ever since the birth of my third child 7 months ago. The doctor has run several tests and has checked multiple things and we can’t find the cause. So yes I will tell my husband no half the time because I will be in pain for several days after sex. But I’m trying to fix the issue so it’s not long term. But if my husband ever attempted to drag me before our church leaders(luckily our church doesn’t do church discipline) then I would tell him to go screw himself and I would be looking for a lawyer. The couple needs to discover the issue behind the rejection and work it out or end the marriage.
Wow, that must be so hard for you both! I’m sure you’ve communicated to your husband what you are experiencing. I think it matters that you are trying to move forward and seek help. I hope your husband sees that too!
Yes!!! I couldnt agree more. One of the very few sane comments here…
Thank you ANONYMOUS et al who have pointed out that we take upon obligations to meet our spouse’s needs when entering marriage, and divorce would be justified when those obligations are not met. I fought the idea for decades but finally arrived there. Ironically, I don’t think I will be getting divorced because of recent improvements in my marriage after this realization. Thanks to all of you who shared on this thread and Sheila for doing this! This is very therapeutic and I had no idea something like this existed until I googled “love-making frequency” and found this website. Over the years of frustration (from not being touched or having my problem being addressed or acknowledged) I used many of the same strategies you did to deal with the rejection and was impacted similarly – went on walks in the middle of the night, didn’t get up and go to work, slept in another room (only to come back after a few nights due to loneliness), dedicated my energies to work, tried moving out, etc.
As stated in my previous post, I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would like to add to that post, lest any of you are offended by what may be construed as my current “My way or the highway” attitude. The “pre-nuptual agreement” that I wrote and gave my wife for us to revise and agree on mostly dealt with meeting each other’s needs, communicating as reponsible adults, and that sort of thing, although willing and whole-hearted intimacy was included. Part of the agreement goes like this –
Our desire is to have a wonderful, loving, positive, fun-loving marriage, in which both of our needs are met, as measured by each individual’s happiness, us working together, resolving problems and our spending lots of enjoyable time together.
Some items addressed are praying together, respect, date night, serving each other, holding a weekly meeting to plan and review goals, etc. I wish I had thought of this 20 years ago because it is certainly improving my (and I think my wife’s) quality of life.
My main point is this – There is Hope! Without it, some of you shared thoughts of whether life is worth living. It is worth living! However it takes courage. Maybe not courage to ask our spouse if he/she will consider love-making, maybe courage to say “something’s not right here, and I am going to work on this problem with God’s help until He and I solve it!” For years I told my wife I needed TLC, not necessarily sex even, just sitting next to me on a couch befriending me would suffice at times. Oftimes, she would roll her eyes and treat me like there was something wrong with me, like it was time for me to grow up and get over it. Well the growing up took another course. It wasn’t for me to get used to and get happy with being shunned, it was for me to realize that God doesn’t force anybody to do anything. I prayed for Him to help us get along better and for him to soften her heart so that she would open herself up to me. Then I got the distinct impression that that’s not how God operates. That would be like having the Elders tell a woman what to do in her bedroom, like KIM emphatically pointed out. Instead, we all make our own choices. If my wife doesn’t want to whole-heartedly and willingly make love, that’s her prerogative. Well it just so happens that whether we remain married is my prerogative (and her’s too). I just thought of an analogy- we all know that a lot of people (mostly men) cohabitate with a partner (mostly women) if they can get the benefits w/o giving the commitment. Well it seems that a lot of people (mostly women) cohabitate with a partner (mostly men) if they can get the commitment w/o giving the benefits! Women, don’t be so stupid! Men, let’s not be so stupid either!
OK I got to go to work but just felt the need to try and give some hope to you brothers and sisters in need. God knows you, loves you, and knows what you are going through. With his help we can come out whole.
Ok first of all, most women (if not all) who dont want to have sex are not “just being selfish”. That is a very immature and ignorant way of seeing things. Many women have experienced abuse or other issues that often tend to surface much later on in life and that can totally lead to not wanting to have sex anymore because suddenly you are confronted with this huge amount of pain and trauma and that is NOT your fault. And if a husband means the “in sickness and in health” part of his marriage vows then he will just have to grow up and realize that this is a sickness.
The problem is, that most men cant deal with emotions very well. They dont learn how to express themselves and they become afraid of feeling. That is why many men can only express their emotions through sex. That is why they crave it so much, they have no other emotional outlet. And that is not simply “how they are wired”. It has to do with childhood programming, how a child is raised and how the actions of his parents wire his brain. So if a man cant express himself emotionally except through sex, then it is not the wifes job to accomodate that behavior. Intimacy can and should be experienced on many different levels and if you can only experience it through sex, then it is your responsibility to deal with the issues that lead to this. I think a lot of men like to point to a bible verse and show how their “wives” are failing them…well the bible also says that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church. And he certainly hasnt been getting “what he deserves” from us. He doesnt have a sense of entitlement. That verse implies that husbands shouldnt either. so maybe its just a little unrealistic and unfair to pull out a verse in order to bash someone over the head with it. Maybe it would help to learn a little about basic psychology as well.
And to the men who complain that they “help so much around the house” and still get no sex: news flash, its also your house. You also eat from the plates that need to be cleaned, you walk on the carpet that needs to be vaccumed. The trash you take out is partly yours. The children you spend time with are half yours too. So stop wanting credit for something that should be normal. That would certainly make me desire you even less because its despicable behavior. In most cases (if not all), you are part of the problem. To those men who have really tried everything (individual counseling, marriage counseling, self reflection etc): I think its wonderful that you have tried so much and I am sorry if things havent changed. One thing I have learned in many years of therapy is that we can only change ourselves. You cant make your wife get professional help. If she does and its not helping the way you were hoping it would, you cant change that either. You can only make a decision for yourself: do I want to stay or is it killing me too much inside? If a husband has really done all he can to reflect on himself and help his wife with her issues, but she is still not willing to do anything herself, then I think he has every right to leave. If she has been through great trauma, is getting professional help and it is taking a long time for her to heal (which is normal, rewiring the brain from trauma takes a long time), then I think it kinda goes against the “in sickness and in health” part of marriage. The most important thing (for both husbands and wives)in my opinion is that we dont make our spouses responsible for our own happiness. We are all responsible for that ourselves. Unhealthy expectations and entitlement are the main reason for marriage issues and it is up to us to get our self worth and joy from God, a human being cant deal with that kind of pressure and shouldnt have to.
A,
I agree with everything you say about wives dealing with past trauma and that husbands are to love them like Christ and that marriage is “ in sickness and in health”. However I do think that there are some wives who are just plain selfish. I say this because there are husbands who are selfish and abusive and as both men and women are sinful then it can’t just be men who are always the bad guy in a marriage. I agree that men are not “hard wired” to only experience emotion through sex. God created both of us to be emotional beings. The male characters in the Bible were not lacking in emotional complexity. If upbringing and cultural influences have made some men emotionally stunted they need to work on that but correspondingly if upbringing and cultural influences have made some women sexually stunted they need to work on that too. God created marriage as a lifelong covenant where intimacy on all sorts of levels is to be enjoyed. Some couples have issues like past abuse, serious health conditions, disability etc that mean they can’t enjoy the intimacy they desire. However if the problem in the marriage is purely one of attitude then it needs dealing with. I don’t think bashing people over the head with bible verses is helpful either, it cuts both ways anyway. At some point however a spouse can’t just be allowed to not be loving. God created sex for marriage, it isn’t an optional extra.
This is exactly why my wife doesn’t like to have sex with me. I also believe that many women believe this theory also. I do more than my fair share of the household cleaning plus work a full time job while she works part time and doesn’t cook at all. I do all the cooking and on my days off I do all the housework while she sits in front of her computer doing nothing important, she has this want to stay up all night and sleep all day attitude . I have thought many times what it would be like to get out and find someone that is more sexually compatible with me. But I too have taken that vow and also have an 11 year old daughter that I just love to death. So I have brought it up many times to her about the rejection when it comes to sex and she always gives some excuse I have heard them all. So I get to the point where I give up trying and then she will make a comment that I don’t want to do anything anymore. That’s just a way to make her feel like it’s not her fault, it’s her way of dealing with not having sex. So I just wanted wish everyone good luck as your not alone out there
So here I am reading this blog wishing i didn’t, wanting to forget every word especially John’s situation but i am in the same predicament word for word especially with what John said and how he is feeling (except for the part about god and wanting to die of course).
But for me i am only engaged and the thought so many men out there are suffering the way i currently am yet clinging, hoping and praying that their wives will one day wake up to the reality of their feeling and how much pain they are in is at this point to be comforting and disheartening.
Bad think about me is that i’m not married yet, engaged over a year ago don’t even know if i still am. After reading this blog however has me thinking if i am making a mistake. Its a heart ache to think that this is what the future holds and nothing more, yes I do see Gwen and Momof7 commenting that thats how they used to treat their husbands and their eyes have been open to the fact and are making adjustments. Truth is I love my fiance with all my heart but I am now thinking if this is a mistake.
John i just want to say i will pray for you and I applaud you for the bluntness of telling your story, it really take a really man to come forward and express yourself the way you do, I literally felt pure sadness, discomfort and ANGER in your comment. For me God is always at the forefront of my problems and i always accept his challenges because I know they only strengthen me that is what i use to keep pushing forward everyday,and my Daughter of course. But I also understand where you are coming from because you are angry and no one blames you. Just know he is always there.
Well to the author of this blog thank you for showing me i am not alone.
Hey there,
I hope you don’t mind my advice…firstly though are you being sexually active before marriage with your fiance? …because that’s going to have it’s own issues.
Secondly, and I will just say this loud and clear: problems don’t go away because you are married or because you have children together now or later. Whatever your problems/lack of suitability that you have now will be multiplied once married. Marriage is TOUGH. Do not go into it with doubts or bad “gut feelings”. God bless!
While I find many of these stories heartbreaking, I would ask these men to truly examine the log in their own eyes. Many women endure YEARS of emotional neglect before shutting down physically. I find that men, as a general rule, tend to overestimate their abilities — to include how their behaviors affect their wives. I am not bashing men here, but I truly believe they are simply ignorant to the real needs of their wives. For example, men feel that watching a tv show counts as quality time; or talking schedules equals great communication. Women want husbands to share their lives and men tend to block and avoid deep, personal, and intimate connection because they find it uncomfortable — leaving your wife starving for affection. These disappointments compound over time.
I do believe that most women want to be physical with their husbands, but women are also repeatedly faced with painful rejection. More often than not, my husband only acknowledges me when he decides he has a use for me. But if you were to ask him, he would tell you he is the world’s greatest husband. We are on the brink of divorce and he’s still trying to convince me that we had a great marriage until I developed an anger problem. In other words, as long as he had his physical release, dinners made, laundry done, and nothing required of him, there was no issue to deal with. He completely ignored and dismissed all of my requests to get help.
There are so many factors that cause a woman’s libido to decline and it would be more helpful if these men would do the hard work of getting to the heart of the matter rather than falling in to a pity party. I would especially argue this if your wife enjoyed being physically intimate at some point in your marriage.
As Sheila has mentioned before, and she is spot on, women are PUMMELED with the “meeting your husbands needs” message and then the advice we are given in return is “don’t expect your husband to meet your needs”. This is very disheartening and a big cause of resentment for me.
I would like to ask men to ponder these questions… Do you love your wife sacrificially? Do you put your wife above sports and hobbies? Do you value her mind? Consider her insight? Really help her with the heavy child-rearing duties? Let her mind shift gears after the kids are down before you start groping?
If you can answer yes to all of these then my heart truly breaks for you and you need some boundaries in place. If not, I encourage you to start with the log in your own eye. How have you neglected your wife’s heart?
In general, I believe when a woman feels loved, cherished, valued, cared for, and desirable, the love will flow back to you 110%.
Very simply, rejection is devastating. I have lived it for over 25 years, and it literally started on our Wedding night. We have had our “talks” over the years, but nothing changes. About 6 years into our marriage, she simply stated, “I don’t desire you that way.” A couple of years ago, she recanted, and said that she didn’t know why she said that to me, but her actions and continued rejection only shows that she meant it and it is true.
Her excuses are numerous, and only serve to make me feel worse about myself. When talking about how God ordained sexual pleasure, her response was to say the she only wants things that God can give her. After all, God is supposed to be our all-in-all. Yet she is happy driving the new Lexus I bought for her, and has a closet full of her favorite brand of clothes and shoes. She is content coming home to the beautiful hose full of new furniture that I work hard to provide.
I’ve tried to explain that God Himself said that “it is not good for man to be alone.” He said this at the time He was walking with Adam in the cool of the day. I’ve tried to explain that God made us for human relationships too, including the marital relationship and sex.
She makes me feel dirty and discussing for desiring sex. She shows a basic lack of respect for me, and believes she is spiritually superior because of this (she has acknowledged this attitude). When we do have sex, it is mechanical, unemotional, and she makes me feel like she is doing me a favor. No foreplay, no fun, just hurry and git it over so she can watch TV.
Bible study is near and dear to her heart, so I gave her “Passion Pursuit,” only to find out she rushed through it, and didn’t do most of the workbook or watch all of the videos. In December of 2015, just before our anniversary, I gave her “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.“ she has never bothered to open the book, but has managed to watch complete television seasons and series’ on Netflix and Hulu.
I’ve learned the hard way that love is a choice. It is the hardest choice I make every day. It’s a tough choice when I am left feeling like a worthless piece of garbage every single day.
Wow. It is sad to hear all the Mens responses. I am a 29 year old women who could write what all the men said. Apparently it’s strange that I’m a wife that wants to make love to her husband. We were both virgins when we got married then after four months my husband apparently decided sex was too much effort and messy. Sorry for the TMI. now it’s been 6 years and no matter if u are a man or a woman being rejected daily is soo painful. My husband is a germaphob and he won’t even kiss me and barely hugs me It is very heartbreaking. I pray constantly. We both grew up in very good Christian families. Did everything right. And it’s very hard and sad. We talk about it. But he is like I’m the way I am so live with it or marry some one else. He has told me that many times when I’m crying. It’s sooo very hard I don’t know what to do most of the time I just cry myself asleep. He is nice of course here and there. he is a gamer and plays constantly as soon As he gets home and that is his love of his life He told me he would much rather play his game than make love to me. That hurt soo bad. I work out I’m in great shap but I realized it doesn’t mater it is a heart and mind issue. I know only God Can change his heart. I cling to the sweet moments that come around. He is my 1st love it’s hard to let go.
Kim:
As you say, the pain of rejection knows no gender bounds.
I’m sorry for what your husband is doing to you. I’m hesitant to agree with so many people who have basically said to cut and run in these comments.
I will say, your husband’s behavior in how he spends his time playing video games rather than addressing his responsibilities and puts them above your relationship is sinful and should be addressed. As you say, he’s less than willing to listen to you alone, so you may want to address the issues with your pastor or a biblical counselor.
Again, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, but pray you will find comfort.
Kevin
Hi Kim
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like your husband may have a combination of video game addiction and OCD. And that’s NOT a good combination! Can you talk to him about what goals he has for his life? Where he wants to be five years from now? Maybe get in a mentor couple to talk to you both about healthy lifestyles? I’d insist on something changing, because that truly isn’t sustainable, and what he’s doing is hurting himself and his marriage. The loving thing to do here is to confront him and tell him it needs to stop!
Wow thank you so much for your response.Shelia and Kevin I soo appreciate it!!! You are right he is very OCD…and I am very open person I have asked what his goals are in the next five year. He just shrugged he is very happy he told me with how his life is. He doesn’t want it to change. He goes to work he is a teacher then comes home and plays till 2am or all night on the weekends and sleeps on the couch most every night….. I have wanted to go to counseling but he won’t go and I have some godly women in my life that have prayed with me. But never a couple I would like that….I also have talked to him about just taking some time with me at lease once a month and getting out of the house ( away from the games) unfortunately I have gotten no where. I’m about in tears writing this. I read everything u post Shelia! I really want our relationship to get better but I’m loosing hope. I mean I work 50 hrs mon-Friday. we don’t have children. He apparently doesn’t want children now and that is another heartbreak I take care of pretty much everything.. yet I don’t mind. I love doing… my heart just wants to be loved and have affection. And his parents are like angles on earth thier love of me has kept and driven me to keep praying and staying. I praise the Lord for them but idk how much more my heart can bare in my….
My wife is reluctantly coming with me to see you here in Australia Sheila. After years of once in a blue moon sex she announced a couple of years ago that she can’t do it anymore… no more sex .. ever. She avoids all physical intimacy, has no interest even in hugging or kissing. She said she is sexually repulsed by me. We went to counselling for a few months but in the end she declared it a waste of time. I’m not telling you this in the hope that you’ll sit her down and set her straight! In fact it would be too uncomfortable for both of us if this comment was even mentioned. I guess I’m just hoping that this general topic, about withholding sex, will be covered in what you present. I’ve been (we’ve been) praying for a miracle in our situation for a long time and the mere fact that you are coming across the globe to our home town seems uncanny. I’m quietly hoping that something you say, along with God’s help, can be the beginning of our miracle. Can’t wait to hear you speak in person, wow, thanks for everything you do to help so many people!
G, FYI my wife told me something like that a few months ago (although she didn’t say… ever) and had lost interest in touching, hugging, and kissing as you reported. There hasn’t been prolonged peace in our home since …. until 3 days ago. That’s when we signed a marriage agreement that we both wrote to address our needs. Hers and mine being very different.
I suggest that you find out and write down what her needs are and address them, tell her what your needs are, write them down, and address them. If that doesn’t work, move on to Plan B. That’s great that you are praying for a miracle, as we did. God heard our prayers and helped us. I am sure that He’s hearing your prayers and will help you too!
Thank you for writing this article, it’s nice to see the opposite gender rooting for us. The article along with the comments struck a cord with me, I am in a one sided affectionate-less marriage. While we have been married for less than a year, we have been together for four. The problems really only started a year and a half ago but I decided to marry her because we were going through counseling and things were getting better. Before we were married she told me several times that things would be better once we were married and that “the bible says I can’t turn down my husband”.
Well, fast forward to today and things have gotten much worse. After our wedding night, we didn’t have sex for three months! We continued with counseling but due to a horrible part time counselor (the third we have tried) we have decided to stop for now. She completely denied saying the things about marriage and claims that our situation is my fault (I don’t spend enough time with her, I am angry at her…..both of which were a direct result of months on months of no intimacy). How do you treat someone who continually rejects you; making you feel lonely, unloved, depressed, angry..?
However, after living though this, I can completely see why people stay in these marriages; from the outside in, the simple answer is to leave. But living with the fear of being alone coupled with all of the emotional investment that you have put into this marriage makes people not want to sell out.
Unfortunately there isn’t a one size fits all answer, the only piece of advise I can offer is this, happiness is something we have to find for ourselves, looking for it from your partner is going to leave you let down. Talk to friends, family, professionals but most of all, talk about it and don’t let it drown you.
As for me, I fantasize a lot about what it would be like to not be in this situation, I have this feeling that things will not change and try and take it day by day.
I’ve been in a hard spot with my husband for almost 2 years. We had a wonderful breakthrough of forgiveness from me for years of porn addiction on his part but suddenly a few weeks later I can no longer get aroused. My heart and mind may want to be intimate but my body will not jump on board. I thought it was just hormones from pregnancy and breastfeeding but this is our 7th child and this has never been an issue before. She’s almost 7mo and it’s not getting any better either.
I tried to do just for him but it feels terrible for me and he’s not happy unless I’m overly enthusiastic but I just can’t fake it. It hurts my heart so bad that sex is completely awful now that he’s finally free of his addiction. It’s like a cruel joke. We now go weeks sometimes months in between “attempts” which end badly-either stonewalling, frustrated arguments, or on the rare occasion it IS working and seems hopeful for me it ends with him satisfied within minutes understandably and me still frustrated in tears. I just wish at this point it would either work consistently or just never try again. I know that’s terrible but the rollercoaster is just too exhausting and emotionally draining. Who do you even go to for help with these sorts of things?
I’m so sorry, Brenda. This sounds awful. I think there’s a basic misunderstanding here of what sex is. Sex is not just him having intercourse and being satisfied. Sex is supposed to be an experience for both of you. It sounds as if he is still being prioritized, and you’re feeling used, and that’s not right. I’d encourage you to read this post on how we need a new Definition of Sex to see how sex is supposed to be mutual, and maybe talk it over with him? If he can’t or won’t understand, then I’d suggest some counseling with someone who would agree with the substance of that post. You matter, and your needs matter, and I’m sorry that this is happening to you.
I’m horrified, and feel sick, after reading all these comments. Cold comfort it may be, gentlemen, but you can at least know this: you and Sheila have saved another man from such a fate as yours. I never intended to be cruel, I could just not get into it: no history of (sexual) abuse or particularly physical pain (after the first couple months,) just a general feeling of shame and dirtiness and wrongness (well, and I gave in and offered it before we got married and that was almost a year and a half ago and while I prayed for forgiveness I only just forgave myself last week.) I grew up in a broken home with no interaction with men I could trust and that unjustly spilled over onto my sweet, clueless, uncertain, adoring, wonderful, awesome husband.
I knew I was frigid – which didn’t help my confidence any – and, from a secular standpoint, he knows much more about all this than I do (to the point where he once asked if I’d been sexually abused,) but only from a secular standpoint… clueless well-meaning Christian + bad-clued-in well-meaning non-Christian = lots of effort and heartache and tears. We were well on our way to a marriage where we both loved each other but both felt used and neglected.
Sheila and some of her pingbacks have transformed me within the last two weeks, and our marriage – and reading the comments here have utterly cemented my resolve to never be “one of THOSE women.” My prayers and heartfelt sympathy go out to you, brothers.
Oh, Brievel, thanks for sharing that–and I’m so very glad that I could be a part of your journey! That’s wonderful!
Sheila, I must echo Brievel’s sentiments about how your life’s work has begun to transform my outlook. I somehow stumbled upon your material on sex in Christian marriages while in a fog of self-pity. I did a Google search on something like “effect of sexless marriage on husband” “resentment” “depression”. This blog topic definitely resonated with me. I sobbed uncontrollably as I read posts from men in a similar state of mind as I find myself today.
I have been married to a woman I adore for nearly 32 years. Those years seem to have flown by effortlessly as we mesh together on so many different levels. We hold hands when we go out (or stay in), we kiss multiple times per day, we text loving messages to each other daily and we continuously thank God for each other. We also have two daughters who have grown into beautiful adults who fill us with love and joy.
The most significant thing my wife and I do not share is an equitable libido. It’s almost cliché … a husband with a strong libido attempts to initiate sex, gets turned down, he retreats for a while, then rinse and repeat. That has been a recurring cycle for our entire marriage.
My wife is a “good girl”, as you put it, who had the message indelibly imprinted on her mind since childhood that sex is dirty, disgusting, should never be discussed and in no way be desired. This was the message given to her by her mother. Since her mother’s divorce 15 years ago, she has lived with us. Try getting someone in the mood with the very person who molded (and polluted) her entire view of sex on the other side of the wall. Odds are against me, for sure.
I don’t want to close out this message on a down beat. You have armed me with tools that offer me hope for our future. I must internalize these things and become the man my wife desires, in the way I know she wishes to desire me. I must also find the most loving way to bring this to her attention in order to elicit the proper attitude and response. Wish me luck!
Thank you for sharing your calling with the rest of us who desperately need what you have spent your adult life developing!
Oh, Jag, thank you for that encouragement! My heart breaks for people like your wife, who are depriving themselves of the beauty of intimacy and passion that God designed us for. I keep praying that maybe I’ll find that one key that can open the floodgates for more women. I keep trying this approach, and then the other, and sometimes it resonates. But there are so many walls that have been built up, and it’s hard to tear them down.
I will pray for your marriage, and for marriages like yours, that you will be able to experience real passion. That is who God is; I hate it that so many are missing out.
Sheila, because I have yet to introduce my wife to the insights you’ve already shared, we don’t know whether a new approach is even necessary for us, but your prayers are appreciated nonetheless. I have gained understanding from you about where we’ve both gone wrong in our sexual relationship, which gives me hope we can turn it around. Her take on what she learns from your writings may prove to be the final missing piece that catapults us to new heights!
The good news is that our marriage is remarkably strong in spite of what we’ve missed sexually. It astounds me how connected we are. Sometimes I get a little bit down (which led me to your gift), but we are forever blessed no matter what our sexual outcome proves to be. Thank you for everything! You’re doing God’s work!
Sadly, my husband could’ve written it, I am guilty of rejecting him for years, not because I don’t love him but my body is not into it. I know this may sound like a lame excuse for most men, but that’s really the reason. After getting pregnant, my hormones seems crazy, at times I want it, but most of the time I don’t. And now it ruined my marriage, he just walked out of our marriage. And when it slapped me in the face, I don’t know what to do anymore. Begging, pleading and promises didn’t work. He said he feels uncomfortable if I just hug him…so no touch, no kisses, nothing…Question is, is there anyway I could do to win him back again. I love this man with every fiber of my being and I don’t want to lose him. Any help please…TIA
I’m so sorry, len. I read posts from so many women who just give up on sex because it doesn’t feel good. I think asking if he’ll go to counselling with you and being honest about the mistakes you’ve made and how you plan on working on things is important. My Boost Your Libido course was written for women like you, or my book 31 Days to Great Sex. But there’s likely a lot that you have to work through together, and confessing your part in the problem and asking if he’ll see a counsellor with you is likely the best course of action. I’ll pray for restoration!
I’m currently suffering through this as well. My wife is currently on 2 anti depressants, which cause low sex drive. We’ve been married for just over 5 years, and the last year and a half have been rough sexually. For a little over a year she turned me down on a daily basis and I spent a lot of time with her. I had noticed about the time all this started, she’d started talking to a male co-worker. It started out harmless and I stepped up my game as a husband because I thought doing so would get her to stop. Boy was I wrong. Every time I’d want to initiate sex, she’d come up with bull excuses like “I’m too hot. Too tired. Too full.” She’d pass out because she drank too much. Or, worse, HE would message or call her and she’d HAVE to answer, while I was trying to start having sex. Eventually, like right now, I don’t feel any emotions toward her. Except contempt. We’ve tried counseling, sort of, but that ended up not doing squat. I hate that I feel this way, and I was hoping things would get better, but they just aren’t. I can’t force myself to regain those emotions again.
I didnt have sex with my husband for years because of past abuse and mental illness. Now that I want to try again, he doesnt. He wants to move out for a while to see if we are able to save our marriage. I would really appreciate prayers for our marriage, I think we need a miracle now 🙁
Oh, I’m so sorry, A! I’ve said a prayer for you.
Thank you❤
I was “googling” for advice because my husband wants sex several times a week (21 years married). I’ve been compliant for the most part, but I don’t enjoy it. Why? I’ve not experienced an orgasm in years (yes, I’ve told him). We have no intimacy other than his demand for his 5-10 minutes of liberation.
I feel terrible about myself for telling him no, but I feel even worse when I feel used (which is every time). He does what makes him happy. He doesn’t try to make me happy, not does he care that it physically is painful at times (because I’m not ready and I suppose I tense up). There are many reasons why a woman doesn’t “give in to her husband.” For me, he shows no intimacy (haven’t kissed outside of the bedroom or held hands in years), he is a very angry person (has turned that way after our son was born), he demands perfection and if he doesn’t get it, he’s more miserable.
I no longer am in in love with him, and I haven’t been in years. I’m trying to do what’s right by my marriage and my family, but his badgering me for sex has made me very resentful. No, I don’t touch him; I don’t want to. I cringe if he tries to kiss me (which, again, is only when he’s getting his “piece”).
Men…if the only thing you seem to want out of a marriage is someone who cleans your house, does your laundry, and spreads her legs…that is not a marriage. Trust me, I was the one who WANTED intimacy in the beginning. I used to have to beg for it. Now, times have changed. Truly, we are not a couple. I’m just trying to figure out what my next step is to be. I can’t continue to live like this. In my eyes, I feel like the primary thing that keeps men happy is sex…and if they don’t get it, then they tend to be miserable and grumpy. I don’t OWE anyone sex…sex should be mutual. When it is not, there are problems. I’ve tried marriage counseling. I’ve tried to give him what he wanted. In the end, I feel used and cheap. Anyway, those are the reasons from MY perspective why I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I’m sure every marriage is different, but it’s frustrating to me that it’s “expected” and “demanded” on his terms, and if it doesn’t happen, he pouts for days. I’m tired of feeling used.
….a woman’s point of view.
Oh, that’s just terrible. That’s him just using you, and it’s not right. I’ve written before that a woman’s sexual pleasure matters, and I hope you’re able to talk this over with your husband.
Perhaps you could say, “Honey, I want to have a great sex life with you, but right now, sex is all about you. I’m more than willing to make love, but unless we start focusing on making feel great, and having some foreplay, and giving me some pleasure, I’m not interested in just being used.” Sex is supposed to be for both of you; it really is!
I could have written John’s testimony but from a woman’s perspective.
If we have sex even once a month without me spending weeks flirting, sending sexy texts, wearing hardly anything to bed, maybe it wouldn’t be so hurtful and hard.
If I don’t initiate, it would be months. And even at that, I’m turned down most times. Over and over again.
He says it’s not me. That he loves me. I don’t believe for a second he has a porn issue or he’s having an affair.
I’ve tried things that I thought turn all men on because they breath. We’ve introduced toys, which he seems excited to order. But then they just lay there. I just don’t know what to do.
We’ve been married 25 years. He’s never had a huge sex drive, but with the kids little, I was busy and just went with it. Now that we are older, I realize how much a crave passion in our marriage.
It doesn’t have to always be sex. Just sensual touching from time to time. Date me!!!! Something.
He says he just doesn’t have anything left after work. His job is stressful and I understand.
That’s the frustrating part. I really do understand. I am compassionate. But I still feel lonely and rejected. Then I get upset with myself and try to be more content.
He’s loving in every other way. He’s a good man!! Hard working, kind, generous, honest. He’s just not a sexually motivated man.
We’ve tried herbs, diet change, self helps, added toys, tried to verbally spice up the marriage. Nothing.
Thanks for listening. I don’t think there is an answer, who knows. Maybe there is something I have t thought of. A marriage miracle. 🙂
Marriage came
Baby came
Sex disappeared.
Our daughter is 3 and my wife and I on my been intimate 2 times in 3 & 1/2 years. I am sleeping on a recliner now since she was born and my wife is sleeping on the bed with our daughter. The same bed I use to sleep in because she refused to put her in a bassinet/crib/toddler bed.
I love our daughter and I love my wife but she is so obsessed with our daughter. She is like a helicopter mom. Instead of letting her play by herself or with her little cousin (3 weeks apart) she follows her in the other room and will sit for hours watching them play. Wherever my wife goes in the house she follows her. In the bathroom in the bedroom in the kitchen in the garage in the back yard etc. She carries her around the house like she is a loaf of bread. My parents baby sit our daughter while we work. Don’t get me wrong I love my daughter to death. She My little angel. =)
My parents have offered to baby sit so we can spend time together by ourselves and the answer ie always no. She said I will go out only if our daughter comes to.
I was wanting to have a romantic dinner ocean view with my wife on our wedding anniversary and she refused to go unless we bring our daughter. I even spoke to my parents first bout them baby sitting. The answer was still No. So i canceled the reservations i made for the two of us.
I help cook clean do laundry pick up groceries pay the bills etc and it seems like it’s not enough. I feel like I have to earn it.
The crazy thing is if she has a doctor’s appointment she wants to bring her instead of leaving her with my parents or with me.
My wife pushes me away everytime I try to touch her, put my arm around her, kiss her etc
Her same.old excuse she uses:
I’m tired
I have to cook
I have to do laundry
I am watching a Tv show
I’m have to take a shower
If she is in bed and our daughter is knocked out asleep) Her excuse is:
I’m playing a game on my cell phone.
Stop. You are going to wake her up.
I’m not in the mood I have to work tomorrow 9:30 pm she is in bed
I feel like I am a room mate not a Husband.
I am so sorry. I hear this from so many men. I’ve tried to write so many posts about this, but unfortunately a lot of women don’t understand the harm they’re doing–not just to their marriage, but to their child, too. A child can’t be responsible for coming between their parents. It’s too much to bear emotionally. I’m going to save your comment and use it in m podcast next week.
I think this is the core of why I have been single for 10 years. This confusing idea that one can withhold physical affection and expect the relationship to survive. When I was married I was suicidal, my career was hopeless, and I felt rejected and ugly. Over twenty years of marriage, the constant sexual rejection destroyed me.
Today I’m passionate about life, very successful, and blessed to be one of those guys who gets approached by beautiful women less than half my age. But I always find myself sitting across the table with my arms folded across my chest and feet pulled in close… I’ve had sex once this decade, and I broke it off – likely for fear of being consistently rejected again.
I was married ten years, probably had sex less than ten times.
I wanted children, she didn’t so I don’t have any.
When I turned 30 she left me and I’m now 49 and have never dated after the divorce.
I have a high sex drive and no outlet.
I once didn’t eat for two weeks, ignoring hunger is easier than dealing with a male sex drive with no release.
I wish, I really really wish I had died on my wedding night.
Now I’m just waiting.. I’m in hell.
This is hell.
I’m really glad to see that I am not alone, and that there are many women out there who understand what sexual deprivation does to a man and to the marriage.
i got married in 2008. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night…or the honeymoon, or the week after we got back from the honeymoon…or the week after that, or the week after that, or the month after that.
When I confronted my wife about it, after she rejected me again when I initiated, she got angry, and told me “I just don’t like sex, and now that we’re married, you’re going to have to learn to accept that.”
And so set the stage of our marriage. Prior to getting married we had sex multiple times a week. Post-marriage, once a month, maybe. Starting around 2012, once or twice a YEAR. By 2016, nothing at all. I haven’t had sex since December 2015. My wife masturbates constantly…at least once per day, sometimes 2 – 3 times per day. So, she “hates sex” but has enough desire to masturbate daily. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it half the time, and will just start touching herself subconsciously while we watch tv.
There’s no intimacy. Nothing. We have a sectional wrap around couch. I sit as far away from her on it as I can. I don’t text or call her. She doesn’t do it either. I seldom look at her social media…in fact I don’t think I’ve seen her facebook page in 3 years. I sleep as far away from her on the bed as possible. Sometimes I even go into the guest room to sleep.
I stay because we have a kid, who I love more than anything. But I am unhappy and my soul is crushed. Our relationship is not great…it’s not even remotely good. The refusal of sex has a lot to do with that. She knows it hurts me, and has weaponized it (i.e. she willingly holds back because she knows it affects me, and has told me this).
But here’s the oddest thing. She had some sort of bizarre sexual renaissance about 8 months ago. Now she reaches for me at night, tries to be physically intimate. I reject her. And now…I’M the “bad guy”. Because I reject her and I want no physical intimacy from her. Why though?
Because my libido is dead.
Years and years of seuxal rejection has killed my sex drive. I have no desire to be with her. I don’t get aroused. I recoil from her touch. I deliberately separate myself from her in social situations – sit far from her on another spot at the table on holidays, sit at another table altogether or go off with friends when socializing, go to movies and do activities without her, etc.
A few years back in therapy she outright said she hates sex. She would prefer it if we never had to do it again. She hates being touched. Hates being intimate. The therapist tried to work with her. She wanted a marriage of partnership, not intimacy.
Now she finally has what she wanted, and it’s not what she wants anymore. And I’M the bad guy in the situation.
I don’t get it.
My soul is crushed, my libido is gone, and I stay because I love my child. God help me, I want nothing more than to be out of this marriage.
Within the past few months my wife has had a bit of a sexual renaissance.
What she did to you is horrible and I hope I would not have stood for that. My wife has no libido so we make appointments every couple weeks for sex. Our marriage is on shaky ground still but it would be over if she stopped having sec
Women are damaging their husbands I really feel for these men because we are always defending the women and blaming men but the truth is men simply express themselves differently and sometimes women just think they are being horny pigs. No, what women need to be taught is that sex is a crucial need on a deep level for men more so than women in most cases… yes both need it but it’s worse for a man if he is rejected. it’s also how men express love and feel close and loving with their wives. When you as a woman reject him it hurts him deeply and causes more problems than you realize, it’s not ok to withhold because really sex is like a glue for marriage. Anyway, I’ve watched what this did to my father over the years… not only are you hurting your spouse but you are hurting your children too because they feel the tension and see how you interact. My father started to lose his temper over tiny things and this affected my entire life. Men are loving and quite sensitive, you’ll see if you tune in to this that he’s always listening and if you pay closer attention to his needs he’ll start being better all around and he’ll want to help you around the house and be more receptive. So sex is the key and you must learn to focus on your husband and marriage first, your job/career and stress could be the cause of womens low libido amongst other things. I see many women become too stressed and less fertile when they are over-worked. Think about it… take care of your husband and he’ll love you back in ways you never dreamed of. And to the men being rejected maybe write your wife a letter telling her how she’s hurting you. Maybe moving on would be a good wake up call to some of these wives. Even the Bible says to have sex with your spouse!
i dont know if i win this competition, but i have it the worst.
working shifts, payed for everything, supported her interests.
those interests became more important than me.
AND, she now has multiple medical conditions she never sought treatment for, and USES them as additional excuses!
she has been apparently dying of cancer for 10 years without a doctor, has a mouth disease, had a hysterectomy and claims endometriosis, claims her hands are too crippled, but can rip weeds out of the garden, knit till passing out unconcious, and basically does whatever SHE wants, to **** with me.
yet she expects everything still.
she is actually hostile about it and now seems smug i no longer ask.
20 years without intercourse, now ironically as soon as pension payments came in, nothing else!! 4 YEARS! i am only 53 and in better health than ever!
handsome, intelligent (220 mensa asked to to take the pretest again TWICE i scored so close to an invitation) but that does not help with a mental neglect,
I’ve have just quit expecting anything. She’s always had very little “drive” and after 38 years, if she walked out now, I’d get over it. We have had “marital relations” once in the last 5 years.
I’m no longer a young man so the odds of me having an affair are quite slim. On the other hand I don’t think I would ever want to become involved with another woman simply because I don’t even like women anymore. No I’m not gay.
I’m retired now and about a year ago, I quit shaving. No need to shave. She didn’t like it, so what? I don’t go out of my way to make myself attractive to anyone now. I take care of my own needs. l’ll shower when I feel like it.
There are times I just absolutely hate all women, I still love my wife and daughter and granddaughters , but I hate women and I know that makes absolutely no sense at all!
I searched “neglected husband” tonight as my wife slept beside me, again after preemptively saying how she can’t keep her eyes open but had plenty of time to play words with friends before going to sleep without any physical contact.
We’re at a low point in our physical relationship, and I’m hurt by it.
I’m sure if I dig deep enough it’ll turn out to be my fault. It always seems to. I honestly try to put forth the effort and speak her love languages, but it’s not enough. I’m tired of being shot down and would rather just have no desire any more, but that’s not how I’m wired. I feel rejected and invisible, and I wish it wasn’t that way.
No matter what I do it never seems good enough to meet her standards. I’m resolved to just wait it out, and feel utterly alone with no one I can trust to speak to anoint how this is digging at me.
You have total to her. Seriously. I don’t think she truly thinks you feel neglected. That can make a huge difference.
I feel like every time I’m inspired to search this topic there’s a new article on it. It relieves me to some degree to see that I am not the only one that goes through this and that it is a constant problem. It is also heartening to see that, despite the age old idea that “women just don’t like sex”, there are plenty of women out there who do, and recognize the severe impact that withholding/refusing sex has on a relationship.
I’m on a 5 year dry spell. My daughter was born 7 years ago, and even that event that led to her conception was an exercise in reluctant disinterest from the wife. During our futile attempt at couples counseling (in relation to intimacy), my wife revealed that she just hates sex, and flatout told both me and the counselor that she just would rather not have it. In a later conversation outside that office she told me “IF, and only IF” she is ever interested, it would be on “her terms” and “at her discretion” and “only when she wants it”, and that otherwise “don’t ever ask me for it…and don’t touch me”.
Why did I stay with her? I have a kid. I would rather remain in a sexless, loveless roommate marriage rather than only see my kid 4 times a month.
But strangely, she had a renaissance of interest within the last 2 years. She started to want it more frequently…and by more frequently, I mean once every 6 – 8 months instead of never. I reluctantly gave in, and as expected it was unsatisfying. i was done in less than a minute (going years without sex kills your ability to perform) and she was already back scrolling through her phone and playing her tapping games before I even got off of her.
Now, again recently she wanted it…and I just flat out refused. Multiple times. She got mad (seriously? She has no right whatsoever) and I realized that…I just don’t want it. At all. Period. The years of mental turmoil I was under (I thought about my awful situation EVERY DAY for years), the lack of stimulation (I don’t masturbate or watch porn because I have a kid in the house). Her constant rejection and mean spirited ultimatum of “my decision, my terms, my schedule” finally killed my libido entirely. I’m just done.
I don’t, and have not, touched her to the point of even holding her hand for over a year. I sleep as far away from her on the bed as possible…and most nights opt to just sleep in the guest room. I don’t react to any of her touches (she started becoming affectionate to a very small degree over the past year for some reason), and never attempt to physically show any form of affection or interest in her.
And it makes her mad.
She finally got what she wants…I’m effectively castrated…and now she’s mad about it? I can’t wrap my head around this, and I know that the average person reading this will say “If you’re at that point, you don’t love her at all and even though you have a kid, you should not be in this relationship anymore”. My response to that is…I know. And I’m weighing to option now.
I think it took me longer than the average person, but as this article shows, as well as my own experience – sexual coldness KILLS relationships. I only wish people would realize that.
Mike, I’m so sorry. I really am. I’m sorry for you and for everything you’ve gone through, and for how much baggage your wife must have had to not want to be vulnerable. What a mess.
Can I just say something, though? You’ve stayed together for your daughter. You want to give her a good life. And that is so, so admirable and loving. But giving her a good life isn’t just staying in the house. It’s also giving her a picture of what love should be. If she grows up in a house with two people who are distant and reject each other, it’s very likely she’ll grow up just like her mother and repeat the same patterns.
Your wife is reaching out now, and is regretting what she did. What about having an honest conversation about it and seeking counseling again? Tell her what you’ve just written out. You feel like you’re done. You can’t get that vulnerable again. You had to work to turn off your sex drive. That’s how serious this is. But then also talk about how you can build something real–because you can. So many couples have come back from this. It’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of vulnerability. But your daughter deserves not just two parents who are roommates but two parents who honestly care about each other. Can you fight for that, even if you’re really hurt?
I feel the same way. My wife and. I have been together for 16 years, we both work, we have three amazing children. We just drift further away. I’ve tried to help out more, compliment her more, tried to set up time for just the two of us. Yet nothing changes. I’ve been praying about it for a while. You see my wife is my world, I was very depressed and suicidal before she came into my life. As we’ve drifted further apart those feelings have returned. I feel unwanted, unloved, and hopeless. 29 days or rejection are followed by one day a month where she is almost a different person. She has said before sex is only for making a baby, but it’s a healthy natural part of marriage and a basic human need. I just really don’t know what to do and it kills me.
I’m so sorry, Matthew! Have you considered couples counselling for this issue? It is a quite common one, and seeing a licensed counsellor with a specialization in couples counselling may be helpful to get to the root issues that are limiting your wife’s openness to intimacy.
Hi Rebecca,
I just am at the point where I’m done. I swear she acts like giving me a hug is a chore and when I tell her I love her she doesn’t even respond. What’s the point? I’m about to give up. I love her, yet neither of us is really happy, why should I keep trying? I took a vow til death do us part. This is killing me. I’ve gone through councling for myself twice, didn’t seem to help either time. I’ve thought about asking her to go to couples councling, mostly because it might be the only way for the two of us to spend time together.
Same issues here and it’s extremely frustrating. So I have a very recent story….my wife turned me down AGAIN last night, and I had her sex toys under my pillow in case she didn’t turn me down. So I pulled the tie to close up “toy bag 1 of 2” and put it back where we keep them behind my hoodies in the closet, next to “toy bag 2 of 2” which was also tied closed. I came home from work today to put my work shirt in the hamper and heard a low buzzing sound in the closet. Looks like she took care of herself while I was gone, toy bags were both wide open and toy was buzzing away. So how should I feel right now….turned down so she could get herself off the next day. Do I bring it up or leave it alone?! That one hurts.
EK, bring it up for sure! Absolutely. Figure out why she’s doing that. Tell her you’re disappointed.Tell her you want to make your sex life awesome for both of you. And you might want to concentrate more on intimacy during sex and on mutual pleasure rather than just toys, too!
I’m in my 29th year of marriage, and 24th year of total celibacy.
Our sex life was never great, but on finding herself pregnant for the 1st time 3 years into our marriage my wife had celebratory sex with me just once more, and then refused ANY physical intimacy (emotional still OK I thought) until our son was 14 months old. A decision she made out of the blue, and a total shock which i didn’t see coming and didn’t know how to handle.
She then decided to have another child, and fell pregnant again quickly. As soon as she was sure she was pregnant she again refused to have any sex at all, and has continued in that manner to this day! During the 2nd pregnancy she rapidly withdrew emotionally as well, refusing to share her thoughts, concerns, hopes – anything. She made it abundantly clear that whilst she knew this wasn’t an appropriate way for a wife to act towards her husband, she felt uncomfortable being intimate and didn’t want to do so – physically or emotionally – any longer.
I felt horribly used, and still do to this day – I was faced with the choice of accepting no sex, no love, no intimacy, no partner, OR leaving her and my 2 very little boys – they were just babies, and I had no doubt at all that in any custody situation I would become the weekend father (or lose them altogether if she took them back to her country of origin). It’s a gut-wrenching, soul-destroying choice, and whatever way you go hurts badly, but fear of loss is very strong.
I chose to put my head in the sand and stay, hoping I could get her into counselling and that the situation would improve with time. To let her know that things couldn’t be the same, I moved out of our bedroom permanently -a spectacular fail on my part, and absolutely the wrong choice, but indicative of how messed-up my mind had become! She got exactly what she wanted and I couldn’t see that.
Years passed, faking happy and then not bothering to fake it anymore. Counselling sessions with her minister and 2 separate marriage counsellors failed – she was not honest, and I was not brave enough to call her on it, or leave. She struck up a very intimate but non-physical relationship with an old acquaintance, and kept it going for years until I found out about it. So much for not wanting to be intimate.
Our youngest son spiralled into depression and anxiety once he could see the nature of his parents’ relationship, and my world became focused on helping him. 5 years of absolute hell, with him hating me, and our other boy stoically bearing up knowing what was happening. They’re better now but the impact of the situation on both young men is very deep, and my greatest regret – my selfishness and fear of losing them has hurt us very badly. All our lives, including my wife’s, have been so much harder than they should have been, and the scars run very deep in us all. We are not the people we could and should have been.
My self-esteem has taken a huge battering, and like many other previous posters here my trust in women is very low now. I don’t want another relationship – I’m just trying to find the elegant way out of the mess I created. Am I a bit crazy to have put up with this – surely!
My wife? She would like half of everything we have please and she will happily leave now, but she won’t go till she gets it.
Bottom Line – if your partner is withholding sex and intimacy from you for extended periods and won’t get help to address it I believe they are abusing you, and you cannot just accept it. I made bad decision after bad decision hoping for a fairy-tale, but there is no happily-ever-after in such situations. You and your children will be damaged if you don’t act decisively to remove yourselves from such toxic environments, so please take the appropriate action to help yourself.
I am so sad
My pain haunts me
I have made minimal mistakes, I owned those mistakes.
Rejection hurts so bad
The heart is precious, fragile. Willing to give it away so easily when young, not understanding the fragility.
How can someone not understand your pain, when they have the key to your soul. What are expectations, what is the expectations, are these rules of love that I do not understand. I am hurting so badly, I cant ever be the best version of myself when my heart is not in order. I cant even take care of myself. I feel hated. I feel hated, my solid wall for my emotions have been pierced. I am in a shell. Emotional depression. Deprived of reciprocation.Deprived of unity. I am very sorry to my children, I am trying so hard to be the person you want and need, the father you want and need, these emotions have been impossible to break thru. I have never known true strength until now, the true strength that I just dont have. I am so sorry for lost time. I am so sorry, it hurts. It’s not even possible for me to be the person, the man I am today without my family. My wife has uplifted me to the point that I am at today. It doesn’t make sense, I have made all the changes I have made all the sacrifices and commitments. Why is my heart so hurt. What did I do to deserve this. I fear she just doesn’t know, we have talked. I cant talk anymore. The rejection hurts too much. It makes me cry to think I am ok if I dont exist anymore, it makes me cry, I am crying. I have done amazing things in life, superb accomplishments. None of it matters, not without love. I hang my head in defeat, in a way I never even thought possible. When you lose your heart the rest just goes, I am assuming that because that’s what’s happening to me. I have giving my whole life to recovery and success, I cant believe I feel like a failure. I am not sure how but I failed somewhere. What can I do. I am starting to feed into my own depression and I know this isn’t good. I keep telling myself, even right now, that I am going to fight and persevere, I grow more hesitant and weary the more I look at the fight, I am questioning my ability to hang in there. I have never felt such a lack of fight in me. My walls are broken. I am broken. I am so sorry.
I’m so sorry, Dan. So sorry.
Please seek out a licensed counselor to talk this through with, even if your wife doesn’t change. But also ask about what the best step forward is for your marriage. It sounds like she has a lot of issues which have not been addressed, and it’s okay to insist that those things are looked at. It really is. You do matter.
After more than 25 years of rejection I finally stopped blaming myself. I stopped believing my wife’s arguments that it was my fault.
After confronting her and telling her I wanted out, the words finally came out of my mouth: “I did not marry you to get rejected all the time” is what I told her. I yielded to her pleading and stayed but I simply cannot magically trust her ever again. She tries being intimate but every time she touches me there are those flashbacks of her rejection. I can’t trust that she actually loves me. I can’t avoid thinking she’s only doing it because she is afraid I will leave.
Add another one to the list of guys trying to do the right thing according to the Bible but having their “Christian” wives reject, mock and ignore them.
The church refuses to address the issue at risk of offending the females in the congregation and losing that tithe. Christian counselors that we’ve been to (for over two years) have actually told me not to quote the Bible in the home on this issue of wives withholding sex. They’ve said that one shouldt “use” scripture to “get what I want”. Well, if what I want matches up with what God says, seems like Scripture should absolutely be spoken into the home.
Plus, it shouldn’t be just me that wants sex. Should be a mutual desire. But it’s not. Wife tells me to back off quit asking and give her a chance to initiate sex. Then never initiated. Hasn’t initiated in 4 years. I’m screwed if I ask because then she says all I want is sex and that I have a hyperactive sex drive. If I don’t ask, nothing happens.
This is an epidemic in the Christian community. The timidity and fear of the church in addressing it (especially the “non denominational” Joel Osteen/Chris Hodges tour churches) is severely disappointing and leaves men out to dry. Men have tried every approach mentioned in all the various booms (5 Love Languages, Sex starts with chores in the kitchen, nonsexual touch to set the mood, etc). All is met with ambivalence and rejection.
Wife has actually told me when I want to have sex with her and she refuses to just take that desire to God. Well, God gave me a wife for a lot of reasons, but according to scripture one of the primary reasons is to have a willing, participating, available sexual partner.
So we just continue to pray. What else can we do
Reading all of this scares me to the depths of my soul. I am a young man, 22, my wife is 23. We’ve been married 2 years and I’ve heavily struggled with this already. We initially couldn’t have sex because of an intense physical pain that she felt when we tried, and I was ok with that. In fact I cherished the ability to focus on other parts of our marriage until we could figure it out. Little did I know that physical inability is far better than unwillingness could ever be. Since then, her pain has gone away (praise God), but now she doesn’t want me to touch her. In fact, she pulls away. I can count on one hand the amount of encounters we’ve had since being married. She claims she doesn’t like being touched by anyone, but it saddens me so deeply. I have an INTENSE sex drive for her, like, to the point where I start shaking, and most often she says she doesn’t want to be touched. At this point even making out would be the best thing ever, but no way. She tried to leave me earlier this year in February, and she said she made a mistake, but I think that was mostly her depression talking. Since then we’ve made progress, but the sexual relationship still is non-existent. What’s worse is I’m a worship pastor at a church, and I feel as though I spend time counseling others in their troubles while behind the scenes, my marital health is declining. I find a weird comfort in knowing there are other men who found this article and are going through similar situations, but I’m so distraught. I’ve begun masturbating far too often just to put some of these desires down. Most nights I hope to God that she’ll want me, then when that doesn’t happen I hate myself, jerk off just so I can calm down enough to go to sleep, and then rinse and repeat the next day. I’m hoping we can get to some counseling, but I’m so damn terrified. Divorce isn’t an option, nor do I want it to be. I love her so much. I literally just want to make her happy, but I also want her so bad. So, so bad. But rejection is the space I live in, and it makes me feel that she would be better off without me.
Just some food for thought but maybe the wife doesn’t get pleasure from having sex with you.. maybe the sex iteas bad..
And maybe the women “your wife” loves you for many other reasons but is not able to get excited about sex because it’s nothing to be excited about… if someone buys u a video game and u play it and its boring… ur not gonna go put that game in every chance you get… if ur friend ask hey wanna play that game I got you.. then yea you don’t want to hurt there feelings.. but if they don’t mention it you won’t either… people don’t reject people for no reason… there is always a reason behind why the person is saying no..
In my opinion No sex is better then bad sex whether we are married or not!!
Tea, you absolutely missed the point. You dont desere to have a husband and I pray that if you do, either you’ll change your outlook or he will be free of you before too much damage is done.
The fact that you can read any of thile above article or comments and still expect to havr a marriage when yu reject your husband because of “bad sex” just disgusts me.
Will, I think it depends. If it’s just that he tries to make her feel good, but he fumbles and he’s not very good at it, then she could help teach him how to make her feel good.
But if he is doing absolutely nothing to make her feel good, and is just using her body, then that is a different story. In the Bible, marital sex is always depicted as MUTUAL, PLEASURABLE, and INTIMATE. We are all told to pursue that kind of sex in marriage.
But if a man is only interested in using his wife’s body, and isn’t considering how she feels at all, that’s wrong. Women aren’t asked to consent to being used. We’re asked to pursue mutual sex in marriage.
As a man, I cried when I stumbled across this content.
Imagine a female dystopia where avoiding, criticizing, and ridiculing a woman’s desire to want to feel close and connected, wanted, appreciated and respected as a woman was normal and socially acceptable.
“All she ever wants to do is have me give her attention, compliment her, and talk to her. I just feel so used. I’m more than just that. I’m a person! You know?”
“Ugh, you want attention again? Didn’t I give you attention last week? Don’t you remember? I have a headache. It’s late. I’m tired. I’m also not feeling well. Prove me wrong. That’s what I thought. Now goodnight.”
“What do you mean you feel uncared about and unloved? What about all the times we had anal sex and threesomes this week?”
“Marriage? Why on earth would I, a man, want to get married? Maybe I just have a very low marriage drive. Some men must just have a natural spontaneous desire for marriage, but for some strange reason, that’s not me. God bless those other men who were born and dreamed of nothing else as little boys, and high school teens, and college guys … than being married.”
“What do you mean, enthusiasm? I’m talking to you, am I not? That’s how I talk. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to talk to me. Take it or leave it.”
“What do you mean you feel lonely, alone, ignored, unimportant, uncared about, and awful about yourself and our sense of connection and closeness as a couple? Here, take your pants off and let me go down on you. That should make all those feelings go away … I know this, because that’s how it is for ME … therefore, that’s how it is / should be for YOU too.”
“I was just looking for a file on her computer, and after I minimized PornHub, I was shocked to find her browser FULL of Hallmark Channel bookmarks. Absolutely disgusting. I didn’t know this was the kind of person I was married to! What do I do now?”
“Eww, you actually fantasize about bonding with a man by talking and him listening to you and caring about what you have to say? You’re so needy, you little attention-pervert.”
“I can’t understand it. This is why I have trust issues with women. I gave her everything! I was the perfect husband! I went to the gym 7 days a week. I dieted. I had a 6 pack. I would always dress sharp and look great. I would spontaneously go down on her, never said no to her whenever she wanted to have sex, and I would just give her anything a woman could ever want sexually … but I guess that wasn’t enough for her (tear) … I caught her talking with another man. They were just … talking. When I confronted her about it, she put on this performance and acted like some victim, going on about us not talking or me paying attention to her outside of sex for 10+ years, and how that supposedly damaged her self-esteem and made her contemplate suicide because of how horrible she felt about herself … so disgusting … I’m trying my best to move on and not attribute all her wrongful behavior onto the next woman I meet.”
I almost laugh when I read from husbands are upset with only having sex once a month. That was the best I ever had it in 20 years. How about once or twice a year? How about once in the last 2 years.
But in reality, it’s not the frequency of sex that counts it’s freqjency and consistency of rejection. I gave up asking years ago.
I stay for my kids at this point and that is it. I still love my wife, but honestly her constant rejection has made me associate her with pain. I don’t allow myself to fantasize about her because it invariably ends in my rejection.
I could go into detail about how much trying was done, but honestly, it’s been said by others above.
I can’t find any way out of thiz that doesn’t involve pain. And honestly, i don’t believe any if you who haven’t been through this have even the slightest idea what it’s like to be rejected by the one you vowed to love forever. At least God knows what that is like.
I have so far resigned myself to this life. If I never ask, I never get rejected, and there are many worse things in life than no sex. But the problem with that is not the lack of sex, it’s the lack of intimacy. Its gone from little sex, to no sex, to no kissing, no hugging. This has literally broken us.
When I first confronted my wife about the little anount of sex she told me she only wanted the kids and I wasn’t actually part of the deal. That broke me. Lately she defends yhat argument that she was on pills. But her bedside manners tell exactly what she means. She never initiates sex. I always have to come closer to her. When I try to talk to her about it she gets very defensive. We can’t talk abput anything, I’m not joking. Anything I try to talk about ends up in a fight. I decided I’m not going to beg like a dog anymore for sex. I get up early the morning around 4 or 5 and start my Bible study. I pray that God will move in her heart. I don’t feel like a husband in my family life. My role as farther, husband and priest of the house gets usurped.
John,
I could have wrote the very same letter. I feel for you. I have told my wife how I feel. I did show her this great blog. Nothing of substance. If I am letting her down she doesn’t let me know if that’s the case. I beat myself up and I am barely hanging on.
My wife is a good woman but not affectionate or sexual with me. I love my children, but
the reason I chose marriage is I wanted a lover. I did not get a sexually driven wife.
If I get upset she will be affectionate for a few days. Not sexually of course.
She does have some anxiety issues, hang ups with sex, and now peri menopause. She won’t talk to anyone who could help her improve things. If she did, I would at least be able to think she cares and is trying. If she tried and it didn’t work out, I could accept those circumstances. The fact she won’t try means she has given up on me in my mind. I don’t know why I have any hope in this marriage.
I’ve read all of this and being 71 years of age have decided that in my own opinion I should have ended our marriage when there was no resolution many years ago. I believe that to stay in a sexless no intimacy marriage is highly damaging and that many of us have kidded ourselves into thinking that things would get better. I am still married to the same woman but if it wasn’t that I’d lose my ability to financially survive without her I would end it with the snap of my fingers. This is not to tell others to feel this way but I think many of us are only kidding ourselves and continue to do so. I should have ended it many years ago no matter what.
I’ll tell you what it does… After 20 years of near constant rejection (other than when she decided she wanted a child), I feel sick to my stomach now when I even try to think of her sexually.
It’s not at all that I’m no longer attracted to her – – far from it. It’s purely the association with her and rejection that sits like a dark cloud in my mind.
This has started to turn into resentment for sacrificing the best years of my life to her, as well as a deep sorrow for what would happen to my child if this degrades further, which seems inevitable.
Nothing ever made a difference, so I gave up. And now the thought of trying turns my stomach.
There is simply no good option. Either I stay and continue destroying myself, or I leave and hurt others. There is no other solution.
Despite all of the other blessings I have, cursed is an apt description of how I feel.