When you reject your husband sexually, do you know what that does to him?
I’m a big proponent of great sex in marriage! I believe that God created us to be intimate physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and they’re all supposed to feed together.
But I’m quite aware that for most women, our natural libido doesn’t give us that drive for sex that most men have (though in 30% of marriages the woman has the higher sex drive). And over and over again on this blog I’ve seen how that plays out: women who have given up on feeling good sexually, and think sex is overblown; men who feel rejected; marriages that get more and more distant and more and more angry.
I’ve tried to write to women about how sex is for you, too! But sometimes I think we need to hear from the other side. And so today I’d just like to run a comment that was left by a husband a little while ago.
So I’m reading this and the one thing I keep thinking about is my situation. For ten years my wife would reject me. We would talk about it, she’d say something like “I never say no” but her signals would. I’d then think it was me, then I’d initiate again and get the same signals. I felt like I was going mad. Then one morning after said rejection, I asked her if that was her intention (you know, because she never said “no”). Her response was yes. So all those years I’ve been right, she just didn’t want to admit it.
I’ve been praying that God would remove my desire. This was after years of various other prayers, including anger at God. Well, I think he’s answered my prayers. One night on vacation, she rejected me, and I was laying there praying for the removal of my desire. The next morning I woke up with a medical issue. Flash forward 6 months and my medical issue appears to have reduced my desire.
That combined with the fact that I take care of myself in the shower when it has been a particularly long stretch has allowed me to remain nice in a marriage that feels less like a marriage and more like her using me. She only wants sex when her hormones rage. Other than that “meh, I could take it or leave it” (her words, not mine).
I feel like now that I’ve stopped initiating, she’s starting to get worried. Well, at this point I think hope of a better sex life in her use of me is hopeless. Thing is, there’s only one thing that I cannot acquire from anyone else and that is sex. Everything else I can hire out. I don’t ask much of her. I work, she stays at home. The kids are old enough now they spend most of the day at school. It isn’t like she has much to do around the house, but she does some of it. I’m just over it all. I’d much rather hire that stuff out and have a wife who wants me, than have her do any of it.
So, all this to say, maybe the husband has been rejected so many times, he’s given up hope of improvement.
Now I’m not saying that this guy is perfect. I do think that masturbation in marriage can actually further drive you all apart (although I completely understand the drive to do it; it can feel actually selfless if it helps you let your spouse off the hook). We don’t know what else is going on in the marriage.
But I just want to ask the wives today: Could your husband have written this? Are you, by giving sex a “take it or leave it” attitude, contributing to major distance in your marriage?
And if so, is that really what you want?
I firmly believe that it is possible to boost your libido and to start desiring sex again. That was my story, and I share it with you in my boost your libido course!
I understand not wanting sex. I understand seeing it as a chore. I understand not getting what all the fuss is about.
What I don’t understand is why you would settle for that when it will hurt your marriage so badly, and when there is indeed something you can do about it!
If you have no libido, then, please take a look at these posts. And then decide that you never, ever want to be the wife whose husband could have written that comment.
- Why is sex so boring?
- The only way to embrace your sexual side
- Why enthusiasm matters to your husband
- The Boost Your Libido course–it will help you see sex totally differently!
Your marriage truly can rock, but it takes a decision on your part to figure out how to desire sex. Sitting back and waiting for that desire to come will not do you either of you any favours.
So, please, for your sake, for your husband’s sake, for the sake of your marriage–make a change!
Could your husband write that email? Or could he have written it in the past? What causes this dynamic in marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!