How do you handle splitting up chores in your household?
This week I’ve been talking about the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, a collection of 129 online resources about homemaking, menu planning, organizing, time management, faith, and more, that’s available just until Monday at midnight. Everything in it would retail for $3687.47, but you can get it for just $29.97 (they can sell it so cheaply because they only have permission to sell it for five days!).
Since we’re talking about homemaking, I thought I’d share a little bit of our story.
Figuring out how to split up the chores can be difficult, especially when one person works outside of the home and one person is home all day.
Keith made a comment to me last night that I thought was interesting. He said:
One of the things I love about really busy days at work is that I can get all kinds of things done, and rush around and be occupied all day, but I know what I’m doing. It feels great. I feel so competent. I hardly ever feel that way at home because I don’t know how to do much!
Now my husband is a doctor, so he’s a very bright person. But he’s at a loss when it comes to looking after a lot of the stuff that goes into the house and the kids, so splitting up chores can be difficult!
It’s not like he can’t do housework or cook.
On the contrary! When we were first married, we pretty much split all the household chores. I was no better at cooking than he was, because we both had about the same experience. We often cooked together, or took a few hours on the weekend to clean up our apartment. Either of us could do anything. And when we weren’t looking after the apartment, we were both studying, because we were both in school.
Gradually, though, things changed.
I became more interested in recipe books. He became busier at his studies and his job. When the kids came along, I organized the apartment for all their stuff. I had to figure out a schedule for laundry, because I was now home full-time, and Keith was working more than full-time. I figured out how to keep the kids busy all day.
It’s not that Keith couldn’t do laundry or couldn’t cook; it was just that because I was the one who primarily did it, I set up the systems in our home as to how it was going to get done.
And it was the same with food. I started researching nutrition, and decided to cook a certain way for our kids. I decided to branch out with the fruits and vegetables we were eating. I experimented with new grains. And suddenly, the spaghetti and shepherd’s pie that we used to make together in that small apartment weren’t staples anymore. They’re always enjoyed when we make them again, but I tend to add more vegetables now. I add different spices. I make it more elaborate, and he sometimes feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing compared to me.
Want to learn more about splitting up chores? Check out this post: Top 10 Principles for Splitting Household Chores with Your Husband
Keith still does cook occasionally, although when he’s responsible for dinner, he often goes the frozen entree route. He often mops and cleans up when I’m away, to get the house nice for me to come home to. He can do laundry, I suppose, but I don’t know when the last time was that he threw on a load. I use homemade laundry detergent now, and he doesn’t know how much to put in. But if he ever had to, he could. And if we ever need something installed, he does it!
But on the whole, he brings home the bacon, and I cook it.
What happened, I believe, instead of splitting up chores, we both specialized.
We were first married, we both pretty much did the same things. But as time went on, he got better at work and making money, and I got better at organizing the household chores and the kids. It’s only natural. When you spend most of your time in one sphere of life, you become better at it.
That’s not a bad thing. That’s one of the main benefits of marriage. When you specialize, you get more efficient at things than when both of you try to do 50% of everything. You can’t really enjoy this level of specialization, though, if you’re afraid that your marriage won’t last. If your marriage is in jeopardy, then you’re worried about doing everything should you have to. It’s a much less productive relationship. And indeed, in the book The Case for Marriage, the authors show study after study which demonstrate that couples who specialize tend to make more money, have nicer homes, and better behaved kids, because everyone concentrates on what they’re good at and works hard in their primary sphere of influence.
Of course, both parties have to be able to step into another’s sphere in an emergency.
You never want to be in a position where you have to work, but you have no skills, or you have to look after the finances, but you have no idea what accounts you own. Or what if your husband had to cook a meal? But I don’t think we should resent the fact that we’re good at certain things, and he’s good at others. It’s not sexist. It’s just natural.
Nevertheless, if your area of specialization takes up absolutely all of your time, while he has plenty of free time, that’s an imbalance in your relationship that needs to be fixed. If you’re both working, but in different areas, that’s fine. If one of you is taking advantage of the other, it’s not. Are any of you in that position?
When you specialize in housework, you get more efficient at things than when both of you try to do 50% of everything.
You also don’t want to get in a situation where the husband feels that he’s not WANTED in your sphere of influence.
Whatever you do, ladies, never, ever, push your husband away from your children because “he doesn’t do it right”. The children deserve a relationship with their dad which will be different from their relationship with you. Encourage that relationship, even if dad does things in ways that you wouldn’t. I know many women who end up pushing their husbands away because when they come home from work, they wreck the routine the moms have going, or they make more work for everyone, so it’s easier if they’re away.
Don’t do that. If you find yourself resenting your husband when he’s home, change YOUR routine. Include him. Plan more family things, and fewer solely kid-centered routines. It’s as much your problem as it is his if he doesn’t feel welcome.
But beyond this, don’t sweat too much if you find yourself cooking most of the meals and him working more, even if you swore you’d always have an equal marriage. I swore that, too. But my definition of splitting up chores has changed. We both work hard in the areas we’re called to. That’s what’s important, and that’s what makes us tick so well!
One of the things I love most is figuring out ways to do housework faster–and better!
It’s like Ruth Soukup says in her book The Living Well Spending Less Ultimate Cleaning Guide:
I hate cleaning.
But I love a clean house!
Honestly, the Ultimate Homemaking Bundles are one of the reasons that I even have systems at all. And let me tell you a little bit more about what Ruth teaches (and hers is only one of the resources in the bundle!). You can create four different kinds of systems for cleaning: Daily Speed Cleaning; Timed Sessions; Zone a Day Cleaning; or Everything in One Day Cleaning. The beauty is you just pick the one that works for you. Not all families have to do it the same way or look the same way!
That’s what’s so fun about the bundle. There are all kinds of ideas for how to streamline all the different areas of your life. Here are just a few resources to create systems in different spheres:
- The Weeknight Dinner Survival Guide helps you with meal planning and creating freezer meals so that you can get ahead on stuff and not be having a crisis at 5:00 at night when you realize the ground beef isn’t defrosted.
- 7 Projects to Sane-ify your life helps you be more intentional and get rid of things holding you back from accomplishing your goals.
- The Full Year Wardrobe Plan for Moms helps you fight the frump!
- Bible Study Methods: 7 Ways in 7 Days by Arabah Joy is wonderful. Find the method that works for you! I love Arabah’s heart and I’ve shared her stuff on the blog before. She’s great!
- The LWSL Ultimate Cleaning Guide helps you figure out a cleaning system that honestly works for you and your family.
- 31 Days to an Everyday Clean Home takes you step by step through your home, decluttering it and making it easier to care for so that your cleaning system can then work
- Make a Budget Work for You takes you on step-by-step projects to find a system that works for managing your money
- And Crush Your Week helps you become super productive with your time management and goals–whatever you do during the day.
Those eight products alone retail for $145.96, but you get them for $29.97. Plus you get 121 OTHER products to help you in all areas of your life!
I really do love these bundles. They helped me start eating real food, organize my email, decorate my living room, declutter my bedroom, and more.
And when you buy before midnight today, you’ll also get the early bird special of a FREE style challenge from Get Your Pretty On!
Now let me know: How do you work on splitting up the chores? Do you need help stepping back a bit and letting your husband in? Do you need help getting your husband engaged with the kids? Let me know, and let’s see if we can help each other in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hubby and I both work full time AND I’m currently in grad school full time as well. We work different shifts. I work nights and he works days, We have but one child a son, who will be 14 in 14 days so he’s pretty much self-sufficient and also helps out with chores around the house, as well he should being part of the family.
My husband does the majority of the cooking because he’s better at it than me. Plus he eats differently than I do because I had weight loss surgery and cannot eat all the same things he and my son enjoy.
I wash my own clothes…he washes his and we split washing our son’s clothes. We both clean the inside of the house. He takes care of the outside stuff,like mowing and weeding. I could care less about the outside stuff, especially gardening. We have flowers planted because HE planted them, not me. I take our son to school every morning. His brother picks him up from school because I’m sleeping and my husband is at work. It’s baseball season so we have to run him to practices 2-3 times a week.
Only 4 years left until he’s off to college and we’ll be empty nesters too.
You wouldn’t believe how life changes as empty nesters, Kelly! We’ve had to rework all of the chore stuff because the kids used to do a lot of it. (I hope you’re getting your son to do some stuff. 🙂 ). But I think when you each are busy outside the home, you really each need to share inside the home. I’m glad you guys do! That’s a blessing to you, especially, while you’re in school.
Oh yes..Patrick dusts and vacuums the living room/downstairs area. His gaming station, is in our library. He HAS to keep that clean. Otherwise it gets overrun with empty chip bags and water bottles :/ lol
Earlier this morning, I was literally thinking about writing in and asking for a post about deciding how to split chores.
Right now I’m so frazzled because I lost some paperwork I don’t know how to approach a discussion with him.
I do most of the cooking because I’m better at it and I enjoy it. I do most of the cleaning because I have more time, but not a lot more. I’m trying not to be resentful, but sometimes I just get upset because I wish he could just see what needs to be done and do it.
We don’t have kids yet, but we’ll be moving in a few months and I didn’t know how to handle it all.
I remember hearing in a marriage class, “don’t expect your husband to read your mind”. I thought, that’s pretty obvious.
But, fast forward. We had 2 kids and I was changing one diaper and the other was crying and my husband was sitting on the couch and I was frustrated. I wanted him to see the need and do something, but he didn’t see it. When I asked him, he was happy to help. Somehow, what seemed so obvious to me he didn’t see. I guess what I’m saying is, ask him specifically and nicely and you may be pleasantly surprised at his response. Good luck!
Absolutely! and i think it’s not worth getting angry at him for not seeing things. Yes, it would be nice if he did. But is it really such a big deal if we have to ask–especially if he’s happy to help when asked?
Yeah, once you have kids life does get a lot more challenging! And when you lose paperwork right before taxes–YIKES!
I think sitting down and talking about this stuff before any kids is so important. And you can work it out. You really can!
I recently transitioned from a teacher to a SAHM of two under two, and I’ve stepped heavily into my homemaker role and like you, I have loved getting a cleaning routine down and figuring out laundry and how to get it done quickly and efficiently. I do not want to spend “all day cleaning” and am learning with a good cleaning routine the cleaning can get done pretty quickly! I also want to protect our weekends for family time or husband wife time – but no vacuuming or cleaning toilets. My husband works full time and helps a lot with the cooking! He really stepped into cooking when I was pregnant (hard to handle smells) and nursing. We have both been lazy towards cleaning in the past, but now that I have been consistently sticking to a cleaning routine my husband is starting to jump on board too.
I’m honestly super homemaker-challenged. Developing systems for me isn’t easy because I get into this “work” mode or “parent” mode and I get excited about something and then everything else falls by the wayside. That’s why I’ve HAD to develop habits. I think people don’t realize that the ones who benefit most from systems are the ones who are least likely to know how to make them because they’re not natural homemakers! I’ll never be a natural homemaker, and I’m honestly okay with that. I accept it. But the house still needs to get clean!
We’ve only been married a year and a half and because I stayed at home while my husband worked, at first I was happy to do all the indoor chores. After our daughter was born, I couldn’t keep up so I picked my least favorite chore and asked him to take on that task. For me, that was vacuuming all the carpets once a week and doing dishes if they were piling up too high. I make sure to hug/kiss him whenever he’s doing them, thank him, and let him hear me praising him to other people for doing that for us. Now he regularly thanks me for my part in cleaning, and is rather proud of his success in maintaining our household. My husband really thrives on feeling competent and successful. In fact, last night he walked in on me washing dishes, and exclaimed “Hey, you’re doing my job!” 😁
That’s awesome! I love it. And that’s a great way of handling it (by the way, I hate vacuuming too).
My husband typically washes all our dishes, and anytime I do it (which I’ll be honest is very rarely) 1) I feel like I’m serving him and 2) he gets upset because I’m doing his job. He loves seeing a clean kitchen that he helped clean!
Right now, my husband is in grad school and I’m working part time as a lecturer at our university (I just finished up my grad schooling last year.) We split childcare right now and generally split housework and cooking based on who’s home when. I definitely think more about homemaking and child raising than he does. I generally really enjoy figuring out life type stuff – I do the finances, also (which I love). Sometimes the mental load of homemaking and thinking about everything that needs to happen with the kids wears me out, so we’ve talked about that and I’ve tried to step back and take a breather when I feel overwhelmed or resentful. I’m also definitely *not* a natural homemaker, but I really like learning. 😄We also started doing weekly “business meetings” to go over our schedule and talk about decisions we need to make. They are fun, because we get to hang out and get on the same page.
Ultimate Homemaking Bundle side note: I have gotten it a couple times and last year’s bundle had an ebook that was life changing for my homemaking struggles (it was Dana White’s 14 days to guests.)
For the first 8 years of marriage (married a total of 11.5 yrs) I worked as a full time engineer, working over 50 hours a week. For 4 of those years my husband was a stay at home Dad. He did some freelancing from home during part of it. He finished a graduate degree part time during 5 years of our marriage as well. While I worked I was still expected to clean, cook, meal plan, shop for and manage the whole household(including finances). For the past 3.5 years I have been a stay at home parent of 3 kids (10,8, and 4yr olds) and find myself resentful and overwhelmed by all that has been asked of me. I am interested in reading your homemaker bundle. Hoping there is some solution to my frustration.