I know we’re supposed to love Song of Solomon because it’s the Bible book about sex and all that.
But has anyone else ever felt a little weird about it?
I speak about sex and at marriage conferences throughout North America (if your church is interested, let me know!), and one thing that Keith and I used to do a lot during FamilyLife Canada marriage conferences was to read humorously from the Song of Solomon to show that sex–and even rather steamy sex–is definitely a part of Scripture. So we should be able to talk about it!
But Song of Solomon has still always bothered me as a woman.
Here is the bride, talking to her bridegroom, but she is obviously part of a harem, and she is worried that he’s going to go back to the other women. How can that be true love? How can this really represent the kind of intimacy that we long for? In fact, to tell the honest truth, I’ve always found it rather creepy. We know that Solomon had hundreds of wives and concubines, so this wasn’t exactly the love story that theologians often try to make it out to be (any more than Esther is a love story; spending a night auditioning to be queen is rather disturbing. But that’s for another day).
Anyway, recently I was reading Song of Solomon in my devotions and a thought occurred to me that I think is consistent with Scripture and with God’s intentions.
We believe Scripture is God-breathed, so God is responsible for this book of the Bible. And what if He wrote it to be a wake up call to Solomon?
After all, it was his wives that led to his downfall later in life. He had too many and he followed after them. What if God wanted to tell him that true love wasn’t found in a harem? It was found in one person. And that’s why this book is focused on a relationship between one man and one woman. It’s not just focused on sex; it’s focused on the totality of the relationship, and hence the multiple references to “my sister, my love.” (He wasn’t advocating incest; the “sister” part was about celebrating a relationship that wasn’t only sexual).
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘What if God wrote Song of Songs to be a wake up call to Solomon? Rethinking Song of Solomon & God’s depiction of healthy sexuality'” quote=”‘What if God wrote Song of Songs to be a wake up call to Solomon? Rethinking Song of Solomon & God’s depiction of healthy sexuality'”]
Like C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, I think this refers to two kinds of love: both affection and eros, or even friendship and eros. Such a thing rarely occurred to ancient Middle Eastern men. Friendship was with men (think Jonathan and David); women were only good for eros. Yet in Song of Solomon they refer to the bride as a sister, meaning that the relationship goes beyond eros. And perhaps that is what Solomon needed to see.
I don’t think Solomon ever truly understood that. But the book remained in Scripture as a reminder to us of two things: Eros is beautiful and God created it, but it is meant to be expressed beautifully only between one man and one woman. And when it is, the relationship will grow much deeper.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘Do you think Solomon really understood the significance of ‘The Song of Solomon’ for marriage?'” quote=”‘Do you think Solomon really understood the significance of ‘The Song of Solomon’ for marriage?'”]
I sometimes think we try to force the stories in the Bible too much into pretty packages, all wrapped up with bows. Most stories are pretty ugly, and God was not asking us to emulate the people’s lives in the Bible, or even to approve of them necessarily. He was just showing us how He works, even through imperfect people. We do not have to accept the total person in order to accept the message from God.
I am bothered by Solomon, to tell you the truth. I doubt he ever knew true love, as much as we may want to say that The Song of Solomon describes it. He likely yearned for it, and God did show him a picture. But he himself was too busy with his harem to fully understand.
There aren’t a lot of pictures of wonderful couples in the Bible, and I think we do everyone a disservice when we try to force stories into perfect bows. Solomon and David both had harems. Rebecca and Isaac may seem like a love story, but it is clear that both parents were emotionally enmeshed with a child (though not the same one), rather than being on the same page together. Jacob may have loved Rachel, but he was still married to Leah. Abraham took Hagar when Sarah couldn’t give him a child.
In short, life is really, really messy.
But even in that mess, God shows us truth.
And in Song of Solomon, God whispered to Solomon, and to us, there is something better. There is something richer than just possessing someone’s body. There is true love, that encompasses more than just eros.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘In Song of Solomon, God showed Solomon that sex was more than sex. We need that message, too.'” quote=”‘In Song of Solomon, God showed Solomon that sex was more than sex. We need that message, too.'”]
That’s what God is telling us today, too. In Solomon’s day, sex was just sex because women were looked down upon and not seen as true partners. So they became more objects. Today, sex is just sex because we’ve made it all about the physical, and not about the spiritual or about real intimacy.
So maybe we need that reminder, too. There is so much more than just the physical side of sex. As I showed in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, my surveys revealed that when couples feel more emotionally intimate, the physical aspects of sex work better!
Sex can be a spiritual experience. Sex can be both hot and holy at the same time.
That’s what God was telling Solomon, and that’s what God is telling us, too. And our culture needs that message more than ever.
What do you think? Do we have trouble seeing sex as both physical and spiritual? Why do you think that is?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think if people viewed sex as a spiritual expereince then we wouldnt have the messages we have today in our society. Look at me. I am 45 and for most of the last 15 years I viewed sex as a problem that is physical, emotional, and spiritual. Today I view sex as Gods gift to my physical, emotional and spirtual being. With regard to Solomon and Song of Songs here is my take. And this really goes for the entire Bible. Many many examples in the Bible and specific to Song of Songs in this case are examples of WHAT NOT TO DO. I hold the opinion that marriage is a pathway to God. So being one with Grace is being one with God. She is not God but she is a way to get to him through spirtual intimacey in all aspects in our marriage. If I am acting as Solomon did with many wives and concubines then I can not find God. If I am holding the one relationship as referenced in Song of Songs then I can be one with God through Grace. Both my wife Grace and grace :). What I am finding in my spirtual journey with My wife and sex is a repeated message we all know very well. Communication is key. Knowing that is one thing. Practicing it is another. Grace and I have been working at it big time in the past week. It really is tough. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is painful. The results are WONDERFUL. Have a great weekend everyone.
I actually think that the Song is about the shepherdess choosing a shepherd boy over Solomon! There are two different kinds of compliments directed at her, that would suit there being two different men. It seems like she is trying to decide between being a queen and true love.
A Good word here. I came to similar conclusions. I keep remembering that the Bible is for our edification, so I try to look at things from all sides not just the pleasing aspects. What the Bible shows me is that humans are complex, but nothing surprises God. He still loves us. But we have work to do!
Sheila, loved your post about Solomon and his song. The more I read different scholars on this the more I’m convinced he had no personal experience to relate to. None. This average couple, both rural vinedressers, fell in love and showed us through Solomon’s pen, guided by the Holy Spirit, what true oneness looks like. I picture Solomon weeping as he wrote. I love teaching my own mimi-Bible study on this book, because it is practical and ideal at the same time. So like God!
Joan
Oh, i like that–picturing Solomon weeping while he’s writing it. That’s what I’ve always felt, too. He never knew this relationship at all!
Sheila. I think you may actually be misreading the book. One of the best books on this is Walter Kaiser’s “Love By The Book.” He says the woman in the book was someone captured by Solomon to be part of his harem, but she wanted nothing to do with him. She was more interested in her lover back home and in the end, Solomon lets her go and she is reunited with her love. That’s why the language reads so different to us. In that sense, it is a great love story.
Great post, Sheila! I totally agree with your thoughts and have long felt that SOS was written to show Christians that sexual intimacy was God designed and should be enjoyed to the fullest. For too many years, sex wasn’t talked about and considered shameful or was only considered to be necessary for reproduction.
BTW, when my husband and I were in the early years of our marriage, we once knew a married man who was obsessed with SOS. I mean, totally obsessed, however, the reason being was that he was convinced that the book had a hidden prophetic message to the Church. It just sort of blew my mind that he couldn’t see anything sexual or even slightly intimate in the text!
I recently read Iaian DuGuid’s commentary on Song of Songs, which is phenomenal. He presents the various ways of reading who exactly the couple in the Song are (Solomon and his first wife? A love triangle between Solomon, a peasant girl, and her true love, a shepherd?). He argues for a reading which sees the couple as an anonymous pair of lovers – perhaps not representative of any real persons – who are contrasted against Solomon and his harem. For obvious reasons this is what I’d *like* to believe and I think he makes a good argument for it. Either way the commentary is absolutely wonderful. I cried like a baby reading it.
In Dillow and Pintus’s book “Intimacy Ignited” the authors believe the book SOS was writen while Solomon was in his youth, before he inherited many of his wives and concubines from his father. Regardless of when Solomon wrote SOS, his writing was guided by the Holy Spirit to be included as a part of scripture.
That is a really interesting way to read the Song of Songs, I like your take on it.
I did a research paper once in Hebrew Bible Studies on the Song of Songs, and the language is really interesting. I do believe though that it has several layers of meaning.
1. You can read it as a love poem between a real man his real bride as a celebration of their relationship
2. You can read it as a teaching, like you said as an made up example of a relationship as it was intended. The text includes warnings directed at the daughters of Jerusalem, to not awaken love before it’s time, and it calls to protect our little sisters, to adorn those who are like wall, but to lock those who are like an open gate…
3. It is read in Jewish tradition as an allegory of God’s Love relationship with his people Israel
4. Similar to no. 2 it is read in Christianity as an allegory of Christ’s love relationship with his bride, the church.
5. There are many references made to places and species of plants and animals that we find in other places in the Bible, and it is quiet interesting what these connections imply (I think the ‘hidden prophetic meaning’ mentioned in another comment would belong here)
I remember discovering quiete a few interesting word choices in the Hebrew and the poetry in the original language is quite complex and stunning. It is also notable that there have been many different ideas as to how to interpret this book and non of them are completely able to ‘decipher’ the book as a whole. There is always something odd left at the end with a bunch of question marks.
Every time I become disillusioned with Christianity I read your blog and it restores my hope. Thank you!! Also just to add on “the good girls guide “ changed my relationship with my husband for the better. Thank you a million times over.
Katie
Oh, I’m so glad, Katie! Thank you for letting me know.
How do we know that God wasn’t just reaffirming for us that he’s okay with plural marriage? First, he finds the multiple-wives having Noah to be the only righteous man, then he rewards Solomon with hundreds of wives.
This: “I sometimes think we try to force the stories in the Bible too much into pretty packages, all wrapped up with bows. Most stories are pretty ugly, and God was not asking us to emulate the people’s lives in the Bible, or even to approve of them necessarily. He was just showing us how He works, even through imperfect people. We do not have to accept the total person in order to accept the message from God.”
SO GOOD! And such an easy thing to forget. I am guilty of trying to put this book of the Bible into a pretty package, but what you’ve stated here has so much more truth. There’s a great message of God in this story, but it’s also real and raw. Because life is never neat and tidy and perfect. Thanks for this!
Glad you found it useful! I really am tired of people trying to make love stories out of every couple in the Bible. To tell you the truth, the only possible love match that I see in the Bible is Priscilla and Aquila, who served God together spreading the gospel. Everyone else seems really messed up! And maybe that’s okay. Maybe we can be real and wrestle through with God about the messiness of many of the stories.
All of these stories prove why Hosea is still my favorite “Bible love story” I love the image of him bringing his wife back to him and how it represents God bringing us back to Him.
Another thought, David seemed to be in the same position as his son, with so many wives and no real friend among them. That is why he loved his friend Jonathan so much. Obviously, there can only be real friendship between a man and his wife if there is only one wife. And what David did in excess, his son took to an extreme. I believe that Solomon was a lonely man.
Totally agree, Rhonda.
What an incredibly anazing post. As a man I want more than sex with my wife. I want to be able to look into her eyes when we make love, and I want her to look into mine and to connect with each other on a deeper level.
Yet she won’t or can’t do that. After 17 years together, she said that she does not feel comfortable and that it is odd that I would want to do that. As a result, after sex I come away feeling a void, that something is missing. And then I feel alone.
There has to be something more to sex than, well . . . sex.