Is your view of marriage focused on relationship and intimacy, or rules and legalism?
This week we’re talking about the dangers of legalism. I shared my story of a summer missions trip with a legalistic organization, and yesterday for Top 10 Tuesday we looked at the 10 signs your church or Christian community may be legalistic.
Now, every Wednesday we always talk marriage, and so today I want to turn that discussion towards marriage and ask, “how do we know if we’re following a legalistic view of marriage?”
First, a few basic things. Something can be called legalistic when it judges success based on obedience to rules, rather than cultivating authentic wholeness. When outward appearance is stressed more than inward qualities, then the relationship is legalistic.
Let’s take a different example to show what I mean. Tomorrow we’ll be looking at whether your parenting practices border on legalistic or not. As I talked about recently in my post on whether we have to teach kids they’re sinners, if your main motivation is getting kids to obey you, rather than on teaching kids to learn what’s right on their own, then you may be veering into legalism. One approach focuses on making sure kids outwardly obey; the other approach focuses on raising kids who will have the discernment to choose what is right. It’s training the heart versus training the behaviour.
Can this translate into marriage?
I think it can. So let’s talk first principles for a second. God created marriage to be an intimate relationship where we share our bodies and souls with each other. We share a purpose. One of my favourite marriage verses doesn’t look like a marriage verse, but I pray it for my kids and their marriages all the time:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24)
Isn’t that beautiful? And we also feel connected and loved!
The goal of marriage is to feel like you’re one.
You want to feel like you are truly intimate and connected, and with that connection, you want to glorify and serve God together. And as Gary Thomas said so well in his book Sacred Marriage, marriage is the vehicle that God uses to help us grow more like Him. We learn to be less selfish and more giving. Marriage refines us so that we learn to give, and in so doing, we grow in oneness.
That would be considered the “inward” condition that we want to achieve.
Now let’s work backwards for a minute.
If the goal is intimate oneness where we reflect Jesus and serve Him together, what is necessary to achieve that?
- First, we need to be fully known and understood. You can’t feel like you’re one with someone who doesn’t know you. Thus, you both must be able to share your thoughts, feelings, and dreams freely.
- Second, we need to feel loved.
- Third, we need to be connecting regularly, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. We are three-fold beings, so to feel like we’re one involves cultivating all aspects of our relationship.
- Fourth, when there are things that may hinder oneness, like conflicts, or hurts, these must be dealt with effectively so that we feel in unity once again. They can’t merely be swept under the rug. We must MAKE peace, not just KEEP peace, because, as I explained in detail in Thought 6 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, you can’t have oneness if you’re focusing on being a peacekeeper. You have to deal with problems.
- Fifth, we need to serve one another. Both spouses must feel supported, because we both need each other. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says:
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
All right. That’s what oneness looks like.
So how can this oneness go off track?
If one person’s needs are deemed to be more important than another person’s needs, then oneness is impossible to achieve.
That’s it in a nutshell. You can’t have oneness if one person is doing all of the giving, and another all of the receiving. If the relationship is out of balance, then you can’t share your real needs, so you can’t be fully known. That also means you can’t truly make peace. All you can do is shove things under the rug and try to keep peace.
Every time we put things under the rug and refuse to deal with an issue, we are focusing on outward appearances at the expense of inward truth.
Do you understand that? When we are focused on keeping the marriage looking as if it is healthy, rather than taking the steps to actually make the marriage happy, then we are focusing on the outward.
Some of you may have had alarm bells go off already in reading that. Then here’s the next part. Focusing on the outward does not, in and of itself, make a marriage legalistic. However:
If what you believe about marriage results in you sweeping things under the rug rather than dealing with them, then you are likely following a legalistic view of marriage.
I’ve written a ton on submission on this blog, and I actually think I may take some of the most important posts and rerun them for a whole week later this month because it’s worth revisiting. And I wrote a lot about submission in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
What I have seen in many Christian circles, though, is that the definition of submission that is taught is that the husband makes the decisions, and the wife follows. Here’s where things get especially tricky. If you believe that what God wants most is that the husband makes the decisions, then the biggest goal for marriage stops being oneness and starts being a particular way to live out the marriage partnership.
Then we may add more rules to it, too: He has to look after the finances while she stays at home with the kids. He has to work full time while she is at home full time. She has to do all the cooking and childcare; he has to mow the grass. It’s less about who has what interests or giftings and more about doing things in one particular way. Suddenly instead of trying to ask, “how can we best achieve oneness?”, we’re asking, “How can our marriage look like everyone’s telling us it should look like?”
So let me ask you this question: What is the goal of your marriage?
If the answer to that question focuses on roles, like “becoming the woman my husband needs” or “encouraging his leadership” or even “living out God’s model for marriage”, then you’re being legalistic. You’re focusing on the outward rules as goals, rather than the inward reality. You’re mixing up means with ends.
When we make them our goals, too often we sabotage oneness.
If your goal is to “become the wife your husband needs”, for instance, then you may sweep your own needs under the rug, and prevent him from really knowing who you are. That doesn’t build oneness.
If your goal is to submit to his leadership, you may stop praying together and wrestling to find God’s will, and you may start to equate following your husband’s will with following God’s will. That’s not going to bring proper oneness, either.
If your goals in marriage are to live out proper roles, then instead of learning how to resolve conflict and make peace and love one another as you need, you may focus on what marriage is supposed to look like. Then you’ll grow emotionally distant, even as you may look like the model couple in your church.
Let me leave you today with this prayer from Romans 15:5-6:
Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, 6so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
In marriage, may we be of the same mind with one another–having the mind of Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:1-11). May we be of one accord, because we have achieved real oneness. And may we use that oneness to then, with one voice, glorify our Lord and Saviour.
That’s what real marriage should look like. You serve each other, you love and respect each other, you look out for each other–so that you can have real oneness serving God. Please, don’t accept a cheap substitute that may look shiny, but that isn’t real.
Have you grown up in a Christian community with a legalistic view of marriage? What has that done to your own relationship? Let’s talk in the comments!
Our Legalism Series:
- Top 10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church
- Are You Following a Legalistic View of Marriage? (this one!)
- Are You Being a Legalistic Parent?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
We cannnot forget the vital aspect of procreation when defining marriage, for it is the absence of this function in the future age that prompted Christ to explain there would be no marriage — in the future. For us, the mission remains. Procreation is what makes “functional oneness” in marriage so critical. Best facilitating the raising of children is why men and women assumed differing roles of the past. Husband and wife have to neglect the raising of children in order to pursue equality in vision and function in marriage. I agree that initimacy in marriage is vital, but this can be acheived also in same-sex marriages. Notice Romans 1 describes men and women abandoning “the natural function” of women.
Much of the emphasis in marriages (even in churches) has lacked the need to emotionally connect, to pursue the same wants and goals without verbally sparring and discover compromises.
So that leaves legalism, and even the grossest form of chauvinism in the male and feminism in the woman where both male and the female are being selfish and mentally abusing one another, which causes me to question if the couple are really in love with each other in the first place.
He Sheila – 3 things – 1. When outward appearance is stressed more than inward qualities, then the relationship is legalistic. For me – No not directly in my marriage but with myself for my family and my marriage. What struck me here is this how I was raised. My Mom would fight this statement to the death but we were always told :WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK! I hated it. I swore I would never grow up to be like that. Fast forward to 2008 and we are selling our house because our business failed. I couldn’t stand the thought of what my neighbors thought of all this. Did they know about the Bankruptcy and now we are selling our house? etc. Then it happened. While the house was on the market the water heater went and we were flat out of money. I did the job myself but needed to borrow a dolly from my neighbor. I went over to her house and she saw it on my face. She said what is wrong? I said everything is fine. She said oh yes there is something wrong. I can see you are having a tough time. She saw right through me. I wanted her to believe that everything was great at my house. Just moving for the better of the family. Things looked perfect from the street!….yet I was a train wreck on the inside and my family and marriage was rocky. How dare she see that! It was the beginning of some humility for me. 2. Every time we put things under the rug and refuse to deal with an issue, we are focusing on outward appearances at the expense of inward truth. This is also how I was raised. Got a problem? Don’t tell anyone – sweep it under the rug. 3. The goal of marriage is to feel like you’re one. Grace and I were talking about this yesterday indirectly. We don’t want to grow old and bicker with each other and not be happy! Her parents were in town over Easter and it is always the same crap. The 2 of them picking at each other. She crabs about certain things and he pushes back and it goes on and on. They have some new issues that have been raised and they are struggling to find answers together. The problem isn’t the issues that have come up. I told Grace the problem is their relationship. They don’t work on themselves – instead they work on their problems. They will celebrate 50 years in June. So they must have done something right…don’t get me wrong. But yet there is this lack of oneness. There has to be otherwise at this stage in the game you gotta believe they would be closer and demonstrating love for each other instead of being “at war” I recall my aunt and uncle. They demonstrated love for each other. Really good memory for me right now actually. My Uncle would say What a woman she is. And my Aunt would serve him like he was a King and tell us what a good man he was. They had oneness. Thanks for that Sheila. My Aunt Emily and Uncle Bunk would be so happy to know that I saw that in them 🙂 And that is what I want for me and Grace! For fun – My Uncle would say to my Aunt after every meal she cooked – Em – that was better than Burger King LOL. Interesting topic this week.
I grew up in a hardcore legalistic family just like this. I was taught my future husband would be the boss, and all about “gender roles” and “pink and blue” jobs.
I got married to a wonderful man who had been raised the same way, and we left all those teachings at the church the day we got married. 2 years later we still stumble sometimes, not having any in person role models for a healthy loving mutual respect and submission marriage, but God is still working mightily in us and is teaching us. I am so glad to be married to my best friend and to not have a marriage like my parents.
I am sad though to see all my siblings following the strict, legalistic path of my parents. I want to buy my younger siblings a marriage book that talks about the amazing kind of marriage you are talking about in this post, but I haven’t found one yet. 🙁 I long to see my siblings walk in freedom and have truly healthy, happy and empowering marriages.
Oh, I’m so glad that you and your husband are doing so well! And it’s okay to stumble sometimes, as long as you pick each other up. 🙂
Have you read my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage? It’s about how sometimes the things that we hear in church don’t actually help our marriages, they hurt them. And it’s asking us to get our eyes back on Jesus instead. The first four thoughts are about the pressures we often put on our spouses to meet needs that really only God can, and to help us get our own thoughts in order. Then we tackle submission and how to resolve conflict in a healthy way (without shoving anything under the rug). And then of course there’s sex! You may like it. A lot of the big themes from this blog are in there. 🙂
Thanks for this post! This exactly describes our marriage sadly. Everything is about my husbands needs, all our conflict is avoided an swept under the rug ! My husband is very little at home so I end up with many of the “man” roles.. but what can u do with it if they don’t see it themselves ? An by talking you are seen as nagging.
I’m sorry, Ang! I want to touch on what you said about nagging. You know, women are often accused of this when we bring up legitimate issues. But that doesn’t mean that it has to silence us. Just because your husband doesn’t want to talk about an issue doesn’t mean that you have to back down. If something is important, than pray about how to handle it. For some women, that will mean stepping back for a time and letting God work. For other women, God is asking you to be bold now. I don’t know what is the case with you, but I’d ask God to show you what to do. Your needs do matter, and enabling someone to be selfish is not good in the long run!
What about the legalism involving emotional affairs?
I literally have a friend thinks that she’s not crossing any lines because she’s only hanging out at a male friend’s house.
they watch movies together, play video games together, listen to music together… alone. She hasn’t been happy with her husband for some time. Now she’s told her husband that she wants to leave him and she said she feels relieved. I have to wonder whether she’s excited to be on married to her husband so that she can now freely hook up with her new friend…..
WOW, talk about hitting the nail on the head!
I want to point out a common problem in the “Biblical” model for the marriage.
Many men do not want their woman, (wives or girls) to think for themselves. They have not opinion, voice, or true value. I have no idea how many times I was told to “stop thinking” as an adult woman in my fathers home. I am 50+, and to this day, I cannot think for my self. If I voice an opinion, or disagree with my husband, he interrupts me, and will not let me continue.
Husbands, fathers, encourage the women in your home to be as Ester, Ruth, Mary, Timothy’s mother and grandmother! They knew what THEY thought, and believed and why, not just what they were told to think.
God Bless You as you lead your family with courage not control.
Oh, CFW, I’m sorry you’ve been silenced. Thank you for speaking up now!
Wow. A LOT of food for thought here. I love how you put it so clearly – the key is oneness, so that we can serve God as a team.
I love thinking of our marriage as “we’re a team”. We kind of already do, but after reading this post I can see there’s definitely still room for improvement! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
I’m glad you liked it!
Husband and his grandmother got into it a couple weeks ago. I got involved (in his defense.) His mom told me the best thing was for neither of us to get involved. I said that he was my husband, I would never “not get involved.” They didn’t like that.
I was the only one who actually made a point that could stand. And I got the last word. But I didn’t change their minds. So I guess it was a mutual defeat.
Nonetheless, I will never not come to my husband’s defense. No one – from either side of the family – is willing to help us sit down and work out any of our myriad issues, we have to do it ourselves (with lots of help from you, Sheila, actually!) They just fuss and yell at us and tell us not to fight, and ignore any underlying issues. The fact we’ve made it thus far is actually rather miraculous.
Wow, Brievel! I’m so sorry that you have to deal with such difficult family issues. And likely the reason that your marriage has been struggling so much is because he comes from a family like this. Way to go for sticking it out! Seriously!