Are you a legalistic parent?
I sure hope you’re not! And I’m pretty sure you hope you’re not one, too! None of us wants to be legalistic. Most of you reading my blog l want great, authentic and God-honouring relationships with your kids.
This week I’ve been talking about legalism–being in a legalistic church; having a legalistic view of marriage. But nowhere can legalism hurt more than in our parenting.
I think the reason that so many of us veer that way is because we’re taught in church that children are bad and they need to be taught how to be good. So kids are seen as these evil creatures that will get out of hand if we don’t teach them to obey.
But while it’s true that we are all born in original sin, it’s also true that we’re all created in the image of God. And, honestly, I think kids are pretty great! The person who has done the most research into this, though, isn’t actually me. It’s my daughter Rebecca, whose book Why I Didn’t Rebel came out last October. She looked at what parenting practices were most likely to result in kids having a genuine and authentic relationship with Christ, and which ones would push them away.
And one of the commonalities that pushed kids away? Legalism in our parenting! When we focus on the outward rather than the inward, we cause a lot of problems.
The good news? It’s actually pretty easy to solve. So I’ve asked Rebecca to join us today and share a few quick signs that you’re moving towards legalism–and some quick ways to come back to authentic relationship!
How do you tell if you’re a legalistic parent?
Like my mom said earlier, I did a ton of research when I was writing my book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, and I found that legalistic parenting styles that seemed to follow a lot of popular Christian teaching actually made kids less likely to follow God, and more likely to rebel!
So how do you make sure you’re NOT being a legalistic parent? I’ve put together 6 of the common differences for you to see where your parenting style falls:
1. Legalistic parents focus on obedience; non-legalistic parents focus on character.
When a kid does something wrong, how is the behavior framed?
- If the child is late for dinner when they were called, was the problem that they put their own wants over other peoples’ schedules, or that they were disobedient?
- If a child didn’t clean their room, what’s the real issue? That they didn’t live up to their responsibilities, or that they were disobedient?
- If a child won’t play with a sibling, is the problem that your child is being unloving, or that they are being disobedient?
In other words, are you addressing character issues, or just getting your kids to do what you say?
What is the lesson you really want your child to learn here? Because if the lesson is “do what mommy says,” that isn’t going to help them when you’re not around. The goal isn’t obedience–the goal is the ability to make good decisions. Teaching obedience is part of that, but it’s not the final goal.
2. Legalistic parents can’t be questioned; non-legalistic parents are excited by questions.
“Why do we have to go to church every Sunday? Sammy gets to sleep in!” isn’t a question that should be punished–it’s an opportunity for conversation (and a really amazing one at that!)
Legalistic parents get frightened or angry at questions that counter their belief systems. Non-legalistic parents get excited because it gives them an opportunity to talk to their kids about the important things.
3. Legalistic parents often don’t have reasons for their rules; non-legalistic parents will throw out a rule if it doesn’t make sense to them.
In legalistic families, kids can rattle off all the rules that their parents have. And often the rules don’t make sense (or at least haven’t been explained). They can’t always answer, “Why?” if someone asks why they have to follow a certain rule. Their parents use the phrase “because I said so,” or “because I’m the parent.”
Non-legalistic families, however, see rules as “guidelines” more than laws set in stone. If a kid questions a rule and has a good reason for why he or she shouldn’t have to follow it, the parents are happy to throw out that rule. For example, when I was growing up we had a no video-chatting with boys rule. But then I met some people who lived in the US, that rule got scratched because it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t talk to my friends (and my parents knew they were good guys, too!).
4. Legalistic parents won’t give up control, even in petty issues; non-legalistic parents try to find a middle ground.
Legalistic parents see arguments as power-struggles; it is paramount that they never give in or apologize, because they might lose control. Most fights are very heated and the child walks away not feeling heard.
Non-legalistic parents, on the other hand, don’t try to control their kids. Instead, they voice their concerns, fears, and hopes for their child and hear their child’s point of view. The goal is to come to a decision together–not tell their kid what they must do.
5. Legalistic parents focus on punishment; non-legalistic parents focus on discipline.
Punishment is about adding something negative that makes the child sorry for what he or she has done. Excessive spanking, groundings, or heaping on punishment after punishment for minor infractions like not cleaning their room, for example, would fall in this category.
Non-legalistic families rarely, if ever, punish. Instead, they discipline. Discipline is about teaching kids what to do instead, and doesn’t heap on excess hardship, but allows kids to feel the natural repercussions of what they did.
They didn’t clean their room? Well, then they have to clean their room and the living room later because they inconvenienced others by leaving their smelly socks all over the house. Texted more than their plan included? They have to pay for the balance themselves. Wouldn’t hurry and come when they needed to leave the house and made sister late for a party? Then they have to do sister’s chores the next day. They stole time from her, so now they have to give it back. (My mom’s got a great article on 10 alternatives to spanking that lists a ton of ways to give consequences rather than punishments!).
6. Legalistic parents don’t allow their kids to make their own decisions; non-legalistic parents encourage personal responsibility.
Legalistic parents control their children’s decisions because they are afraid their kids will make mistakes. They’re scared, so they clamp down. What will people think? Do we have it all together? What if it all goes wrong?
Non-legalistic parents, on the other hand, have faith that their kids can make good decisions and so encourage personal responsibility. If their child does something wrong, it doesn’t cause an identity crisis for the parent. These parents use the teenage years to train their kids to make good decisions on their own and take responsibility for their actions–not just do what they’re told.
The common thread here is the focus on inward character rather than outward behaviour. Legalistic parents try to make sure the child conforms to expectations and to rules. Non-legalistic parents try to help the child develop inner character so that he or she can make good decisions all alone!
What would you add to this list? Did you grow up in a legalistic or non-legalistic family? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Oh, man. If I could turn back time. I did a lot of the same legalistic parenting that my parents did, and my children paid for it. Now, granted, there is a lot more wrong with my parenting than that, and I am grateful that my eyes have been opened somewhat. I have an opportunity now, even though they are adults, to mitigate some of the damage and focus on character rather than obedience. Without good character, there can be no real obedience because resentment will fester and destroy the heart.
That’s so true! I’m glad that you can try to re-establish the relationship now, though. It never is too late, because I think kids want that open and authentic relationship with their parents, no matter the age.
Same here.
Lot‘s of good thoughts here!
I think one of the main differences is fear based vs trust based. If we make parenting decisions based on fear, we screw up!
Yes, precisely! One of the reasons we let Rebecca and Katie Skype with some of their friends (even those who were boys!) was because we trusted the girls. We knew them well. We knew that they had the Holy Spirit inside of them, and knew what they were aiming for with these friendships (and they honestly were only friendships; they never dated any of these guys). And we knew the guys well, too.
I also trusted that the girls would tell me if thing ever went sideways, or if they ever developed feelings for the guys, because they did tell me things. So I knew I could trust them. (And more often than not the conversations were about how to make sure the guys DIDN’T ask them out, anyway!)
I have a couple questions… first of all my children are 10, boy and 13, girl; are there any suggestions you either of you might have that could help me with my 13 yr. Old? She all of a sudden hates me! I know this is somewhat normal, but I feel like something else is going on but can’t get her to open up. My son also has struggled with self esteem issues which breaks my heart but their dad doesn’t believe in counseling and I’m a little bit at a kiss as well there. I should finish by saying that my kids’ dad ( who is genuinely a narcissist) are divorced and have been separated since the kids were around 2 and 4. I feel like when I get them back from their dad’s house I always have to spend so much time doing ‘damage control’. My kids don’t see the way he manipulates and uses them and I made a vow to never speak badly of him in front of them, no matter how hard it was. Sorry for such a long comment but thank you for taking the time to read it and I appreciate any advice you might have.
There is a difference between speaking bad and speaking truth . You need to speak truth with them about their dad because a lie is the only thing being said.
Agree with you.
Such a great list! I grew up in legalism and call myself a recovering Pharisee. I parented this way until several years ago. (And then I threw several of these parenting books in the recycling!) I’m so thankful that God disciplined this in me. But He didn’t punish me or scold me or do anything that I had thought would make me a good Christian parent. He showed me truth and let me wrestle with it. He put the better way to parent in front of my eyes and allowed me to grasp what I was doing that was hurting my kids. His kindness brought me to repentance and His truth set me free from my past. I never felt “spanked” by Him but rather He held me while I wept and grieved. As He parented me beautifully, I saw the parent that I wanted to be to my kids.
There is so much to my story of leaving legalism, but where my kids are concerned- study, repentance, counseling, prayer, tears, EMDR therapy- it all contributed to my journey and to the repaired relationship with my kids. My two teens and I went to therapy together to work on repairing the damage I caused in our relationship. I can still see effects of my mistakes, but I can trust God for healing and restoration.
Oh, Gwen, thanks for sharing your story! I love how God parents us so gently, and how He doesn’t spank or yell at us, either.
I always tell people: If you’re afraid that God will yell at you, try to picture Jesus yelling the words to you that you think God will. And they can’t, of course, because Jesus wouldn’t do that. We forget that Jesus said “He who has seen me has seen the Father.”
Don’t be scared of God, my friends. Just picture Jesus. Like Gwen found, when we realize we’re wrong, God isn’t there to rub it in. He’s there to guide you into a new way of doing things, and He will help you, because He wants that for you, too!
Yes yes yes!
I think we have such a hard time as parents trusting that unconditional love and authentic relationship is good for our children because we have not experienced it ourselves as children. It feels risky to trust that unconditional love won‘t make them selfish spoiled and rebellious, because we don‘t see this often! My kids are great kids and everywhere we go people recognize this and I can‘t tell you how many times people assume that I must be super strict and spank them… but we just aim for unconditional love. In a way it seems harder because there is no magic formula how to „fix“ your problems with your child, rather it is navigating an individual relationship that looks different with every child. Not everything is perfect, heck I make mistakes daily, but the focus on relationship is there, lots of practice in quick repentance and generous forgiveness at our house!
Beautiful picture! “Quick repentance and generous forgiveness”. I love that. That brings tears to my eyes – what lovely grace!
Great article! I am trying to figure out how to adapt these ideas to very small children. Most the ideas presented in this post seemed geared towards upper elementary and on. With small children sometimes we must require obedience for the sake of it because they simply do not have the comprehension level to understand our reasoning. Thoughts?
My experience, coming from a country where spanking and all other forms of corporal punishment are strictly prohibited, is that very small children indeed understand more than I see defenders of spanking think they do. (Not saying that you defend spanking, I don´t know if you do)
It is not necessary to inflict pain to get them to stop or stay away from things. Instead you show them what to do instead and/or distract them. A child as young as one can easily understand when you explain to them why they must always hold your hand out in the street for instance. They will forget quickly and must be reminded often, but showing them what to do and at the same time explain in simple terms why they must do it actually works.
In my country some parents ask and plead with their very young children and that is not the way to go. You must tell your child what to do instead of what they´re doing wrong at the moment(say ”Stand up” instead of ”please get up off the floor now honey”), you are the leader, not the child, but you can do it in a friendly but firm way and explain why if necessary. You can also use play, fun and laughter to get your child to follow your lead.
Totally agree! And I agree with how we speak to kids, too. It’s like when you say, “Johnny, time to brush teeth!” And then he doesn’t move. then you get angry. “Johnny, it’s time to brush teeth!” And then eventually you yell–“Johnny, why are you still playing when it’s time to brush teeth!” But the thing is you never TOLD him to brush his teeth.
Or when we say, “Clean your room, okay?” Why add the okay? That makes it into a question.
With younger children, we do need to give commands. But we can do that in a friendly way while still being firm, like you said. And we didn’t spank our kids either and we honestly found that they understood right from wrong when they were young as well.
Actually- the “okay” can be a really good thing when utilized well. The strong willed child (and I am one) can respond well to the “okay” or “makes sense?” Or “will you do that please?”. I really bristle at the word “commands”. Although I recognize that it might just be a semantics thing. If I feel like you don’t think I have a choice about whether or not to obey you, then I likely won’t do anything you say no matter what the consequence. I will prove you wrong. Saying “okay” or a variation of it to me tells me that you understand that I can say no if I want to. It tells me that you know I’m a person and not a minion. It communicates that my decision making is respected. Now when I say no- I completely get that I’ll have to accept the consequence. And sometimes I will die on that hill- and maybe just to prove a point. I know that may sound nuts to people with more compliant natures, but it’s part of what makes me me.
Cynthia Tobias explains this much better than I have. If you have a strong willed- I highly suggest her books and talks.
I believe we would do well to always speak to children in the way that we would like to be spoken to. It shows we respect them.
Good points, Gwen! Thank you! You’re absolutely right about giving kids a choice–as long as they understand the consequences. That’s really part of teaching our kids boundaries, too.
I think what I’m recalling is this one incident that really stands out in my mind. We were sitting at a skating rink and this little boy was dawdling and running back and forth in his skates on the floor (which is actually quite dangerous) while his mom was begging him to come and sit and take his skates off. And she kept saying, “How about coming and sitting with me, okay?” and “Let’s not do that, okay?” But she never actually told him to stop.
It was really horrible for everyone else, and he was knocking other kids over, but she kept doing that whole “please, sweetie, come by mommy now, okay?” thing. I do agree with you about giving kids a choice. But I think we also need to make sure that kids know when we’re giving a suggestion and when we’re serious. Every parent needs a firm voice (not a mean one, but at least a “Mom’s actually serious now” voice). Again, it can certainly be a friendly but firm voice! But it was so difficult listening to that mom get nowhere with her son! Funny, it’s been like 15 years and I can still replay it in my mind perfectly. One of those weird moments in your life that just seems so bizarre that it stays with you!
Yes, when they’re young they do need to be told what to do. But you can still tell them WHY, even when they’re young.
“Time to put on sunscreen so Katie’s nose doesn’t get burned!” “Sit still and stop talking right now, because Mommy needs to hear the phone call.” I think we forget to tell kids WHY we do things. And you can do that even with very small children, and still require them to do what you say. But the more we explain why, the more we show kids that we’re not unreasonable.
In the talking example, they learn that they need to be concerned for Mommy and Mommy deserves to have some quiet sometimes. So they learn to think of Mommy’s needs. If you only ever taught them to be quiet when you told them to be quiet, they wouldn’t understand that “I need to think what others need in this situation.” They would only ever think, “I need to be quiet now.”
But I remember Rebecca at 4 telling Katie to “SHHHHHH” because I was on the phone, even before I said anything, because she had learned to notice when I needed it quiet!
I also have a lot of examples here on what to do instead of spanking that can help as well!
I have 4 kids ages 8 and under and after reading your comment i tried to come up with an example where my kids need to obey „just for the sake of it“ as you put it and I can‘t come up with anything other then safety issues like holding their hands when crossing a street. If you have rules that don‘t make sense that you can‘t explain in simple terms, I would really think hard and reconsider these rules.
Little kids do understand a lot, they can understand cause and effect. So when teaching them through natural consequences it should be obvious. Also you don‘t just explain, you show them. For example, your baby spilled a cup of water. You say „oh dear, you spilled your water! We need to clean it up let‘s get a towel“ and you go together get the towel and show them how to wipe it up. They catch on quickly, and usually they love to do this kind of stuff even though we still need to help out. In general you just give simple explanations and show them what to do instead of saying „no“ „don‘t touch that“ etc all day long. The focus is on showing them the appropriate thing to do instead of punishing a mistake. And this is an ongoing process. It‘s not tell them once and then punish them next time. It is patiently teaching them good habits and intervening when they go off course. You go and steer them back in the right direction.
When you don‘t want them to do something because of your personal preference it is better to say this directly and honestly instead of making it an arbitrary rule (example: I don‘t want you to play in the mud, because i don‘t want to clean it up.)
Also: don‘t punish for emotions. A tantrum is not sin, it is only an immature expression of emotions. Teach them words to express these emotions and for anger provide an appropriate outlet (like hitting a pillow)
And listen to your little kids when they want to talk to you, even if it seems boring sometimes. If you listen to them when they‘re little, they‘ll come talk to you when they‘re older.
Very well explained, Lydia! Thank you!
Legalistic or no, lack of unity between both parents in how discipline is administered will have disastrous effects on the child. The child will play one off the other and will be confused in his/her behavior. He/she will act out. Disagreement in this area is where the head is to direct the body. To wait until one parent or the other is convinced by the other may be too late. Thus the biblical argument on woman submitting to man is based on maintaining social order.
Actually, Doug, if one parent is overly legalistic, and the other is not, the child does better than if both parents are legalistic. Having one parent who is authentic with them helps them do better than not having a genuine relationship with either.
Rebecca had a lot of examples in her book where a child was saved from giving up on God entirely based on the legalistic vision one parent gave because the OTHER parent stepped in. Sometimes it was the mom who was legalistic and sometimes the dad, but having one who pursued authenticity helped the child find Jesus.
And please–let’s stick to the subject of the post, okay?
I’m relieved to know I’m not a legalistic parent. And I got some good discipline ideas for the future. And I’m glad I don’t believe in original sin. That must be a big worry for others. Thank you for another great article!
Hi Casey! Glad you’re not a legalistic parent, too! 🙂
I do believe in original sin–that we are all born sinful. I just also believe that we were made in the image of God. So we aren’t ALL bad. And I don’t think kids are any worse than adults (in fact, I think they’re often better because they haven’t made so many bad choices!). I think kids who grow up knowing God can really hear His voice even from a young age. And when we raise our kids to hear Him, I think they do.
POINT # 4 IS ALWAYS A PROBLEM with my parents. :/
Such a great reminder! I usually fear not being in control but I have learned to let go of trying to control every decision my kids make. I also think that each kid has a different personality and that changes the way they react. My younger son LOVES rules, and he loves pointing out the rules his brother is breaking. My older son does not care about rules, he will follow out of understanding. My younger son will do something to get a reward, my oldest does not care about rewards. Growing up I was never a teenager (old soul) so I never felt like doing what the other teenagers were doing. That is why I love the Briggs Meyer Personality test, because in a way I can tailor parenting to the needs of my kids, just as God tailors his parenting to our needs.
oh, my goodness, we had the total opposite! Rebecca knew ALL the rules, and would tell me if her younger sister was breaking them. Too funny that it’s the other way around iwth you!
I love the MBTI too. Both my oldest and I are the same–ENTJ. Katie’s an ESFP, and she married almost her opposite–INTP.
Great advice! God willing, someone will be a great mom in the future.
We took this approach with our children. Trust, not rules. Focusing on a strong relationship, so that they would naturally follow our morals and example, and seek our guidance and confide in us. Sure, it meant that we didn’t insist on tots eating everything we demanded or sleeping exactly as we demanded, but it has made parenting teens so much more pleasant. I actually LIKE to be around my kids, and I think they like being around us too.
Yes, exactly! I always enjoyed my kids because I took time to get to know them as people. And they were quite interesting! I wasn’t demanding they be like me. I took an interest. And kids can actually be quite fun!
Ooooohhh, I have some work to do! My mom was raised in extreme legalism, and did a little better than her parents when she raised my sister and myself, but I still had a very legalistic upbringing. I still catch “because I asked you to” coming out of my mouth when speaking to my 7-year-old, and the fact that I value obedience as highly as I do is a red flag to me. Thankfully, my girls are young, and I can still turn this around by God’s grace. Please pray for me!
Just said a prayer, Anita! I think the big thing is recognizing that this is in you. And God does want to help you with this! I believe that He will. 🙂
Right on time, for me. Due to husband’s proclivity/in-laws’ interference, our 11-month-old has gone from eating dinner food to being addicted to junk food. (Goldfish, broccoli puffs, Cheezits.) (And now *I’m* being blamed for it but that’s a whole other can of worms, just a rankling injustice.) Earlier Baby and I fought over it. I insisted that he eat the dinner food, it’s all he got to eat today (solid-wise, he was free to nurse as much as he wanted.) He nursed ALL DAY LONG, and only ate a single piece of cubed steak. He used to love steak. >_< Nothing else. No okra, no potatoes. I finally caved and gave him some broccoli puffs, he devoured them.
So I guess in this case I relax a little and present healthier options but don't insist on him eating dinner food? Just don't give him the baby finger foods but give him other tasty options and he'll eventually go back to better eating?
Brievel, I think this is a different issue. There’s absolutely no reason for a baby to eat junk food, and we know from health studies that babies who eat a lot of cheezits, goldfish crackers, etc don’t develop good eating habits. So it is important to get rid of those from his diet for a while. Even giving it to him “as a treat” teaches him that all the other food is terrible to have to eat, and the treat is what is good, which isn’t a good lesson.
At that age, I’d insist on healthy food, and I’d get rid of the other food. This stuff really does matter. You don’t have to get into an angry session with him. You can be cheerful, but just only offer him that. I think that’s what I’d say!
I wish I had found this years ago! Thankfully I still have time to change.
You can! God’s grace is new every morning. 🙂
How do you know if you are a controlling parent ?
Is there a book about this?
There are lots of books on gentle parenting, but I haven’t written any, no.