Does your spouse use the silent treatment to punish you?
We’ve been talking this week about how to feel emotionally connected. And one of the best ways to absolutely blow up emotional connection is to use the silent treatment in your marriage. A while ago, after I wrote a post on how to stop the emotional abuse cycle, a woman wrote in about a different type of emotional manipulation:
I’m curious. What if the abuse occurring is more of a withholding affection kind of thing? What would you recommend to end that cycle for a spouse whose uses neglect and the silent treatment as their form of emotional abuse? Example: wife inadvertently and unknowingly does something which upsets her husband. For the next week he purposely withholds affection and attention and will not tell his wife what she has done to upset him, as a method of “getting back at her”…You can walk away if someone is yelling, but you can’t force someone to talk to you and communicate through issues or give you affection.
Wow. Such a hard issue!
So let’s deal with some basic truths about the silent treatment first.
Using the silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation
Sure, the person isn’t yelling or calling names. But refusing to talk and withholding communication is a form of punishment and manipulation; it’s just a little more subtle. The person can claim innocence; “Well, she hurt me and I had to distance myself.” It’s a passive aggressive way of getting what you want without having to be mature and communicate your needs and your feelings.
When mature people who want what is best for the marriage have an issue, they talk about it and work through it, even if that conversation is difficult.
A person who has poor communication skills and does not want to improve upon them, uses the silent treatment and is not trying to better the marriage or resolve a conflict; a person who uses the silent treatment instead is trying to pressure the spouse to doing things his or her way. It is inherently a selfish, manipulative act that destroys the marriage, not builds it up.
The silent treatment can be very emotionally destructive
When we marry, we do so to feel connected to another person. In fact, we are supposed to feel more connected to our spouse than to any other human being.
If your spouse stops talking to you, then your spouse is depriving you of one of the most basic needs you have in marriage. Just because there’s no yelling involved does not mean that it isn’t hurtful. In fact, for many people the silent treatment is MORE hurtful than yelling so setting boundaries is important.
People who use the silent treatment are often either extremely selfish or extremely broken
If a spouse uses the silent treatment, it is often because they are narcissistic or controlling, and they know that they can manipulate their spouse into acting the way they want. In fact, that’s often the purpose. So if a wife makes a reasonable request, for instance, and the husband doesn’t like it, he can use the silent treatment to humiliate and frustrate his wife, showing her that she must never make requests of him or she will bear the consequences.
There is another time when the silent treatment may be used, though, and that’s when someone grew up with absolutely no examples of healthy ways to resolve conflict. Then when there is a problem, it scares them so much they retreat. Underdeveloped communication skills can be incredibly harmful to a marriage.
It’s important to know which one your spouse is coming from: are they running from conflict because of fear, or are they running from conflict because ultimately they want to control? If your spouse is simply a very broken person, then an approach that focuses on getting counselling and not on blaming can be more helpful.
One other extra thought: If you are very extroverted and like to talk everything out immediately, while your spouse is very introverted and needs to think before they talk, then it may not be the silent treatment per se. Your spouse just may need a few hours to process before you discuss a resolution to a conflict! They may not be punishing you; they just may be thinking, though it may feel like the silent treatment.
But if it goes on for more than a few hours–then it definitely is the silent treatment. So let’s talk about what to do!
You should reap what you sow–even with the silent treatment!
As I’ve talked about a lot on this blog, God set up this world so that people reap what they sow. It’s one of His main vehicles to help us learn moral lessons. But we can interrupt the law of sowing and reaping when we give cover to someone’s bad behaviour. So someone may sow discord (by giving the silent treatment), but we reap the punishment (we give in to what they want) instead of them reaping the consequence (they suffer distance in the marriage).
Dealing appropriately with someone involves stopping bearing the consequences of other people’s bad behaviour and putting those consequences back on them.
So if a person is sowing distance in the marriage by using the silent treatment to cut off emotional connection, what should they reap? Distance in the marriage. If they sow discord, they should reap the discord.
I am not saying that you should cause problems for your spouse; I’m just saying that you should not fix the problems your spouse is creating.
Do you see the difference?
So how would this play out? If your spouse uses the silent treatment for more than a day, and if it’s a regular occurrence in your marriage, then something drastic may be required. Here’s just one idea: You can say,
“Honey, I understand that you are angry at me, but you are not telling me why, so I have no way of addressing the issue or talking it through. It is clear by what you are doing that you do not want to be close to me right now, and so I am going to abide by your wishes. I will be moving out of the bedroom. This is not what I want; but I do want to honour you. I would like to put our marriage together and improve our communication and make sure that we are both meeting each other’s needs, because I love you and I want you to be happy. However, I am not a mind reader. We obviously have some pretty big issues, and I no longer feel that we can work these out on our own. So I will be making an appointment with a marriage counsellor, and I would request that you go with me. Unfortunately, if you choose not to, then I don’t know how we can return to sleeping in the same bedroom. I will, regardless, be seeing the counsellor on my own, even if you don’t come, because I need some help to deal with the emotional turmoil you are causing by not talking to me. Again, I love you and I want to be with you. But I cannot share a bed with someone who routinely cuts himself off from me like this. That is not right, and I want our marriage to honour God.”
Does it sound drastic? Likely. And there are many other options; I’ve only mentioned one here. (And don’t use this as a first resort! This is when the silent treatment is being used regularly and when it’s been going on for a long time!).
If it’s more that your spouse just is uncomfortable talking about things, then a calm, peaceful approach where you’re open about things may work as well.
But if someone is routinely using the silent treatment, they are causing major discord and craziness in the relationship, and it is time for that merry go round to stop. It needs to be dealt with appropriately, and it needs to not be tolerated, because it is toxic.
Remember–even if you set boundaries, you are not the one who is causing distance in the marriage. Your spouse did that by using the silent treatment.
And you have made it abundantly clear that you will gladly resume closeness in the marriage once your spouse agrees to talk. But allowing your spouse to understand that this behaviour will not be tolerated now gives your spouse the shove they may need to address either the selfishness or brokenness in their lives.
God does not want your spouse living in a state of selfishness or brokenness.
God wants your spouse growing! So when your spouse is sowing major discord in the relationship, make sure that your spouse then feels the repercussions of that, so that one of God’s best vehicles for getting us to grow–reaping what we sow–is fully functioning.
Have you ever had to deal with the silent treatment? How did it feel? What strategies helped you work through it?
UPDATE: A reader just sent me this great link to The Gottmann Institute talking about “stonewalling“, which can look like the silent treatment. It’s when someone is so overwhelmed with the criticism and bad behaviour of their spouse that they literally can’t take it anymore, and they start completely tuning out. In this case, it’s a defence mechanism for individuals in dysfunctional or even sometimes abusive relationships. He’s got some great tips on how to help you self-soothe and stop tuning out so that you can actually address the issues. If you’re the one giving the “silent treatment” but it’s more of a self-preservation thing, this may help you!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Some husbands stop talking because their wives have created an environment where there thoughts and opinions are nit welcome. Many wives are very convinced of their own wonderfulness and are naturally contentious and want to argue just for the sake of arguing so that they can “win”. Then they express confusion and bafflement when their husbands don’t want to talk to them. Just a thought.
That’s very true, and could apply to husbands as well. But in a dynamic like that, where one spouse bullies another, the suggestion to go to a marriage counsellor is all the more necessary!
Chris, here’s a link that someone just sent me that pertains really well to what you’re saying–people often clam up, or stonewall, when their spouse is very critical and disregarding them. Here’s Gottmann talking about it. He gives some tips on how to stop stonewalling so that you can address your spouse’s negative behaviour instead of tuning out, which is great. That may help!
The other flip side is they only want to talk about YOUR issues and problems, but don’t even want to discuss theirs. I call it selective silent treatment.
nobody is a competitor here and no one wants to win for the sake of winning.. there’s no point generalizing women…. women are also opiniated and equally or can say more matured than men, not all though.. issue can be solved if both take each other’s opinion into consideration
It was years after getting married to my husband that I realized he was passive aggressive before we got together with others. Silent treatment is a big issue. I tried the removing myself from the bedroom and he didn’t seem to care. It didn’t phase him. Married/slept together for about 14 years, then 5 years not. After that 5 years I decided to move back into the bedroom despite the silent treatment. We each stayed on our side of the bed & to further try to get at me, he would go to bed after I go to sleep & leave the bed before I had to get up. Anything to avoid talking.
So what else could be a consequence to silent treatment?
Thank you for this article! I’m not dealing with silent treatment in marriage, but my husband and I have been dealing with being on the receiving end of silent treatment from my parents over half a year now! So any good information on silent treatment is welcome as we figure out things on our end. 🙂
Oh, that’s so tough! I think having a conversation with them or sending an email and saying something like:
“Mom and Dad, we don’t like the rift that is in our relationship, and we would like to address it, but it seems as if you don’t want to talk. We can’t fix something on our own. So this email is to tell you that when you want to address the problem, we would welcome that. We would even welcome a third party coming in and helping us talk through all of this. We are at your disposal. However, we also need to protect ourselves, and you giving us the silent treatment is very hurtful. So we won’t keep reaching out to you. We’re now going to abide by your wishes, since you seem to not want a relationship. But whenever you want to talk, please let us know and we will be eager to do so. We just won’t initiate things anymore, because that’s obviously not what you desire.”
Or something like that maybe?
That is such a gracious way of dealing with the issue, thank you for that example!
I don’t know if it’s better or worse that we know the cause of the silence on their end- we set some fairly basic life boundaries after years’ worth of verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse, manipulation, etc and we’re pretty sure that they really didn’t like that! They never acknowledged our attempts but went silent. I’ve wondered if maybe a follow-up email of some sort, now that it’s been months, would be appropriate, or if it would just make things worse.
At any rate, your website has been a huge blessing to me, so keep it up! 🙂
Ah, yes, the silent treatment after you’ve done some much needed boundaries. That’s called them trying to manipulate you and punish you for doing what was likely absolutely appropriate.
It’s so sad.
But THEY are the ones acting inappropriately, and so you should not be the ones fretting over it. I know there’s grieving involved when parents treat you that way, and it’s absolutely okay to grieve a relationship that you want but just don’t have. But that doesn’t mean that you should accept a fake version of a relationship. It’s okay to keep your boundaries!
I have been at the receiving end of the silent treatment for 9 very long months. I am going completely mad. My husband does it to ‘avoid conflict’ he says. He does not even look at me. I am at a loss at what to do. All this in front of my darling 16 year old boy who must see this as a way of treating women??? Tragic. Now my husband says he wants to move out. I still love him. I am at a complete loss, a mess, depressed, ill and wasting my life away. He refuses to have counselling. To me, it is rude, unbearable and disgusting abuse.
Re: Extrovert vs. introvert…I think it’s dangerous to put a time limit on the processing; with that statement, you’re bordering on setting an expectation that many may find unreasonable.
Everyone is wired differently to handle uncomfortable situations or conversations, including their ability to deal with a spousal slight…real or perceived. I’m not implying that weeks or months on end is acceptable, but mere hours – to me – is indicative of a utopian mindset…an unachievable standard to live up to.
Though we may have opinions, most people wouldn’t assume to tell a widow how long is long enough to mourn their loss or newlyweds how long to wait to start a family. There are simply too many variables in play that you are likely not aware of. Similarly, setting an expiration date of a few hours to internally process a real hurt is not advisable IMO.
Matt, I would totally agree that it takes an introvert longer to process–and I would totally agree that you can’t just make big decisions instantaneously, or even in a few hours.
At the same time, I think there’s a big difference between saying, “I can’t talk about this yet, I’m still processing” and giving someone the actual silent treatment. The silent treatment, when you deliberately stomp around the house but don’t say anything, or ask your kids to get their mother to pass the salt–that’s quite a different thing.
So, yes, let’s definitely leave introverts time to process. But I think ignoring a spouse and deliberately not saying anything really isn’t appropriate, introvert or extrovert. Does that make sense?
I’m an introvert, my husband is an extrovert.
I do sometimes need a while to process. A few times, this has slid into loudly slamming cabinet drawers while cleaning the kitchen. I’ve learned that this isn’t a great point – occassionally, it helps me to think and let off steam, but pit doesn’t make a great atmosphere.
Checking in is a simple thing that sometimes helps. “I need some time” or “I need to take a walk” can help a spouse know that you will talk when ready.
Yes, I think it’s so important just to do those little check ins and let them know that you’re still processing. And it’s absolutely okay to process!
That‘s exactly what I wanted to add for introverts. It‘s fine to take your time but simply say it to your spouse. Than it is clear that you are not punishing them.
Hi Sheila – since I stand on the side of the one who doled out the silent treatment in my past I will give you my perspective. 1. Yes I was immature and did not know how to handle differences. 2. I used silent treatment as a form of control. 3. I also used silent treatment as a way to detach as a protection method for myself so I would not be hurt anymore (even though I was usually the one who caused the hurt in the first place aka I was hurting myself). My ego and really just not knowing what to do next would cause me to continue on with silent treatment. One thing that I would make more of a point is that there is emotional manipulation and then there is emaotional abuse. They are different but could be one in the same depending on the depth of the situation(s). Meaning. I know a guy who gets grilled by his wife about the state of their finances and how they are stuck in the state they live in and he chooses to ingnore her on that topic. While not exactly healthy its not abuse. Recently Grace and I had a conversation surrounding our sex life. What came out was really sad. Essentially for her there are certain statements during sex I might make that get interpreted differently by her based on circumstances surrounding how sex was initatiated and certain dynamics of the situation. In some situations the same statement can be interpreted as sexy or exciting and others it is interpreted as a demand. When I found this out I had to validate her feelings because in the past I could see how this was true. I am not that person anymore. However the emotional abuse I caused her has stuck with her for all these years. It really hurt me as well to see what I have done. She actually would comply with my “demands” as described above just so I wouldnt be a jerk. I honestly have put thought to that to the point I wonder how someone could love someone who does that kind of stuff to someone? It really is sad. I am grateful that she stuck it out with me and for what we have today. I am so incredibly blessed. I do want to point out though that even the silent treatment can leave deep emoitnal scares that are so deep and hiden it can take YEARS to heal from the wounds. If you are reading this I ask you to get honest with yourself and if you are the silent treatment person, STOP and take that risk and be vulnerable and communicate. Yes it may hurt, but I can tell you from my own personal experience. The results are awesome if you get honest are are genuine with your spouse
Totally agree, Phil–if you’re the one giving the silent treatment, STOP!
I actually have a great post by a woman who gave the silent treatment that’s coming up tomorrow. Really neat story!
Hi, I am so glad to see how you turned it around and made yourself better. I am interested in knowing what exactly triggered that change?
HI Shiela,
I would like to add another form of the silent treatment. That is when a spouse does talk, but is specifically avoiding talking about anything of consequence. In other words, when there are obviously huge problems in the marriage and instead of taking responsibility and dealing with them, your spouse is pretending everything is just fine, nothing is wrong, and if I keep pretending long enough (despite what he says) I can maintain the status quo. So, while there is “talking” going on, there is no communication, no intimacy, and no mutuality. It is absolutely crazy-making and a relationship killer.
That’s very true, Sheep! Sometimes people just won’t engage, which is a form of manipulation. It is crazy-making for sure.
Yes I experience this a lot! And I do not think my husband is doing this with any ill intention, but he is the “classic man” type that gets over an argument, big or small, in like 5 seconds, or at least puts off like he does. So then we never talk about the issue and he often tries to come back and make small talk, and then gets mad when I am frustrated by that. It is like he expects me to get over it as fast as he does. He doesn’t see a point to talking about anything, and if he does agree to talk, he does not say anything back to me and I end up just monologuing. We have been over this countless times, that even if he is fine with the issue (which I do not think he is, this is just how he saw his father handle things, his father refused to discuss anything so his parents “never fought” but they didn’t even have an opportunity) that I need to talk about it WITH him not AT him. I have even offered to give him time to process, to write down what I am feeling so he can read it, process it and then respond, but nothing seems to work. Like right now we got in a pretty big argument last week, although it wan’t about anything super serious, and we STILL have not talked about it and are just making small talk. Do you have any advice?
Jessica, that’s tough. And you’re right–things do need to be talked about. I actually deal with this quite a bit and at length in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–3 of the thoughts really revolve around how we handle conflict. You may find that that is helpful to you!
JessicaHill, Before my marriage totally fell apart (because of adultery and emotional abuse on her part), I know I had the tendency to be that way at times. At the time I would have said that I just didn’t like conflict and I wanted everything to be fine. Now looking back, I have come to realize that it was a coping mechanism to a lot of emotional abuse. I learned early on in marriage not to disagree with or get in an argument with my wife. I was never right and I was brow beaten until I agreed with her. So, I quickly learned to get problems out of the way as quickly as possible.
NOTE I am not saying that you are abusive. AND I’m not saying this is your issue. I’m only saying that some guys are going to value peace so much that they will not want to talk about a problem if they feel like it doesn’t matter what they say, OR they feel like they are being judged or not accepted by their wife. Even if this is totally not the intention of the wife to be that way.
Now that I look back on that paragraph I realize that the same probably holds true for a lot of women as well.
Thank you for pointing this out! This was how it was in my marriage. In the last few months before I left we actually had some deeper conversations, mostly about religion, but my husband and I certainly were not emotionally intimate.
I am curious how all this worked out for my aunt and uncle. They had an extremely volatile relationship for over 20 years. I don’t know the full details, but I know they were both very stubborn. My aunt always wanted the last word, and my uncle would give her the silent treatment for weeks at a time. For the last few years of their marriage, they slept in separate bedrooms, and my aunt went to counseling. Once they finally got divorced, they became friends again. They can talk to each other now better than they were ever able to while married. How in the world did that work?
What a waste! Why do people do that? I truly don’t understand. Work on your issues and work it out, people! Life is better that way.
I love all the tips here. Definitely dealt with it in my marriage in the early years; he would withdraw because I was over-talking and over-eager in my communication style. He needed a break! But I would run after him. Sometimes I’d get tired and withdraw too and we’d have long days of sulking and zero communication. But one day I discovered your site and learned how to create boundaries (his and mine) and that was a game changer!
I’m so glad, Ngina! I know sometimes when I’ve been mad I almost pledge to do the silent treatment for a while, but it never lasts long because I can’t take that kind of distance between us. It’s just such an unhealthy way of dealing with anything!
Hi Ngina, I am curious to hear what your boundaries were/are? My husband and I are in that right now, we got our feelings hurt, didn’t communicate, got angry, he withdrew, I withdrew, and now he won’t talk to me and uses work as an excuse. This is very tiring. I miss my friend and I have told him (texting) but he won’t respond. I am very anxious about him coming home tonight.
I’m so glad someone brought up John Gottman and the idea of stonewalling and getting flooded. I don’t think my in-laws modeled conflict resolution but always argued behind closed doors, so my husband is very uncomfortable with tension, especially as a Nine on the Enneagram (the Peacekeeper—but not a peace MAKER). I’ve learned that even my questions when I am seeking to understand him come across to him as me questioning HIM, and he is very quickly flooded and shuts down. It drives me batty! It makes disagreements so complicated! But I genuinely don’t believe it is manipulative on his part. There is definitely room for growth there and some of it feels like immaturity because I think he feels like if he doesn’t respond we won’t fight, but I’ve learned to approach the conversations differently next time when I realize a topic has flooded him. When he shuts down, I let him, but I *will* bring it up again; I won’t just let it slide. I just try again later, and I use a soft startup (another Gottman thing) where I try to say from the get-go that my goal for this conversation is understanding, not to challenge or question him. And I go in with more awareness of my tone.
Also, when I ask him a difficult question, I have learned to sit in the silence and SHUT UP no matter how long it takes for him to answer. He honestly took like 10 minutes once, and it was torture for me, but he eventually realized I wasn’t backing down and I wasn’t going to take no answer for an answer.
So I dunno. Maybe I’m being too gracious and he *is* being deliberately manipulative, but I don’t think so. I think he just panics as soon as conflict arises.
Oh, wow, I don’t know if I could have stayed silent for 10 minutes! But it sounds like that’s just what he needed.
I think some people honestly do just panic when conflict comes. That’s still manipulative, but I really don’t think it’s abusive. It’s coming out of brokenness, not a desire to control. And it sounds like you guys are making some good progress!
My dad did this. To my mom and to us kids. We were always walking on eggshells and we never had any idea what we did wrong. There have been so many times in my marriage where my husband is unusually quiet and I find myself wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong, and when I can’t figure it out I will ask my husband if he is mad at me. Every single time he responds with, “What? What are you talking about? I’m tired today, but no, I’m not mad. You will KNOW when I’m mad.” And he’s right. I always know. 😆
Anyway, I highly encourage those marriages impacted by the silent treatment to do whatever it takes to eradicate it, if not for yourselves then for your kids. Because I have been married for 11 years now and I still forget that my husband is not my dad.
Silent treatment is horrible and I think it’s a lot worse than some of the other unhealthy things that we might do in a relationship. I’m not married, but my stepmother used silent treatment both against us kids and against my father. It would go on for days and then just suddenly end. It seemed to relate to her menstrual cycle in some way. I remember as a kid just knowing we were going to do something to “set her off” and trying so hard to be good, but it didn’t matter. Things would be really bad for 5 days or so and then get back to normal, only for this to repeat next month. It was emotional torture and as an adult, I see it for what it was – abuse. It really damaged my ability to handle conflict and has made it’s way into all sorts of my relationships. My dad was impacted very negatively too, but he never gave my stepmother an ultimatum, though they did go to counselling (it never really helped). He’s still living in that sort of life, though I think it’s not as bad now that all the kids are grown and gone. I wish he’d listened to advice like this when I was growing up. And if you’re in a marriage like this, please get help!
It definitely can be abuse. I think that’s what I was picturing as I was writing the article, especially going off of the letter that the reader sent, which revolved around how to handle abuse if it was the silent treatment instead of yelling or criticizing. But I understand that in other marriages people may go silent for a while when it’s not abusive, and we’re having difficulty because the two aren’t necessarily the same thing and really shouldn’t be treated the same way.
But there’s no doubt that the silent treatment can definitely be abusive, and is always manipulative. And it must stop!
Timely article – I’ve been asking people and googling this issue but without any success!
Sheila mentioned “other options” for boundaries for dealing with the silent treatment, but I’m very, very curious as to what they are.
My husband panics whenever I want to talk about any of the issues in our marriage and stonewalls like crazy. I know it’s a defence mechanism and have sympathy but it also means we keep dealing with the same old issues year after year.
We’re trying to heal some of the hurt in our relationship and he’s open to counseling as we can afford it, so I don’t think the “I can’t share a bed with you” approach is what’s needed right now.
BUT I’m going crazy trying to find appropriate boundaries to deal with this in the meantime!
Heeeeelp!
The counselling is a great idea. I’m glad you’re going that route! And, yes, if he’s willing to start dealing with it, then leaving the bed is definitely NOT a good idea.
I think another big thing is to show people that it won’t work. And here’s how you think it through: when you’re having a conflict, it’s usually because you have a big emotional need that isn’t being met So you may be fighting over the wrong thing. Maybe you’re fighting over the fact that he overspent this month, for example. But the issue here is more: I need to feel as if we have some financial security and a plan.
That means that you’re owning the issue. It’s not that he overspent; it’s that you need to feel like you have a financial plan so that you’re financially secure.
So if he starts stonewalling, you can just say, “I understand that you don’t want to talk about this. But I need to feel like we have financial security and like we have a plan, and that is not going to change. I want to talk about how we can help me feel more financially secure and how we can make a plan together. I understand that you don’t want to talk about it. But it isn’t going away.”
And then just repeat this several times a day, even if he won’t talk. You can be calm about it, but it’s okay to have a legitimate need. It really is!
And please go see the counsellor soon!
I think using the silent treatment is something much more nuanced that it is talked about here or in the other post. I grew up with parents who constantly yelled. Sometimes the silent treatment just gives people a break for a while.
Outside of marriage, or in marriage, I’ve chose to be silent when I someone was simply not going to make a good faith effort to hear my point, or would not do so in a way that was not emotionally abusive.
Sometimes the hurt can be so tremendous and unacknowledged that may be the only tool the person have to deal with it in the short term. For instance many years ago my inlaws came in my house and made various insults about me when I was not in range to hear them. My husband then repeated them to me. My husband did not get the damage that had been done, nor would he defend me to his parents. Not using the silent treatment assumes the other party is going to engage in you in a good faith matter, OR it assumes that you break the silent treatment by pretending things never happened. When this incident occurred I had a two year old.
Sometimes the person that shuts down uses that as a safety valve of sorts so things don’t escalate,
Currently I am using the silent treatment with my sister. I don’t have to listen to her garbage and insults and she will never change for the long term.
I’m not sure that I agree with your assessment that being silent means you are broken or narcissistic.
Deciding to end a conversation that involves yelling is perfectly okay in my book. You don’t have to engage with someone who can’t control their temper or uses foul language.
Maybe you should differentiate between choosing to be silent for a time and using the silent treatment.
I reread the other post about using silence. I can’t know the scope of the poster’s marriage. But to me if someone is kicking furniture and punching holes in the wall as a coping mechanism, that indicates there are probably much bigger problems. Those aren’t usually one time behaviors. Silence, simply out of self preservation would be perfectly reasonable response.
I recently watched a terrific YouTube video about emotional abuse. One of the ways a person can emotionally abuse someone else is with to neglect them in some way. That could be a mother punishing a child for a bad report card by refusing to go to his soccer game. A spouse purposely withholding conversation or affection long-term is abuse.
Why didn’t I proofread that better? One of the ways a person can emotionally abuse someone else is to neglect them in some way. That’s better!
Silence is often a protective response. I know, I’m doing it right now in my marriage. I feel like a rock is sitting in my chest but if I tell him what has upset me, he will only yell at me and get angry. In the end, he will convince me that I have no reason to be upset, that it is all my fault. Sometimes he will even ask me “Honey , what’s wrong?” and I say “Nothing” then I. say. nothing. In the past, when I’ve believed him when he said that he truly wanted to know what was bothering me and I told him, all heck broke loose, no matter how gently or respectfully I presented my feelings. Silence is best. No fights happen. We get over it and move on. Maybe it’s not healthy communication but we’ve been married 35 years and this is the way it has to be. I need peace. Conflict upsets me and I will do anything to avoid a fight.
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I have to deal with this periodically with my husband. It causes me major anxiety and I usually end up giving in to whatever is going on and being an enabler. It’s not as bad as it used to be when he was drinking, but it does cause me to second guess who I am and what my worth is. It’s very unhealthy for me, and I know it but it’s hard to change things after almost 23 years of marriage. It has caused to to retreat inside myself and share very little with my husband.
I usually is the one who gives him silent treatment and end up discussing our resolution however we do not came out with great resolution and end up having mistakes again. He gives excuses everytime there is something wrong. I think he somehow fears me and I’m tired of reaching out and come to an agreement. I want to become submissive to his authority but he is so indecisive on almost everything. What should I do ?
Hi Juven,
Maybe your husband is passive and doesn’t want the responsibility of always making the decisions? Could God have gifted you more in that direction? If your husband is more of a laid back guy, and you’re someone who has all kinds of plans, and yet you expect your husband to have even more plans that you, you’re going to end up really frustrated. Perhaps one way that you were created to be his helpmeet was to organize some of this stuff! I’d just say don’t get so wedded to an idea of him leading that you lose sight of loving each other and serving each other in your marriage!
I have been the receiver of silent treatments for over ten years. Sometimes they last a couple months. I have given birth to two children while my husband was ignoring me, even though he was with me for the births. The silent treatments are always a result of a lack of sex. It isn’t that I don’t want to have sex, either. I think it’s his approach (he tells me he expects it on a certain day) and if it doesn’t work with schedules, children, activities, etc., I know I will get the silent treatment. He usually threatens divorce or to sell the house, too. Currently, he is ignoring me and left for the night. The kids have been crying and asking when he will be back and where he went. I don’t know the answer to either question. One concern I have is that the silent treatments don’t hurt me anymore. I feel like each silent treatment has killed my love and care for him a little more. Usually, the way we resume talking is through texting while he is working. We can’t even have a normal conversation face to face.
Do you have any advice for us?