What messages do you tell yourself about sex?
As my longtime readers know, I blog mostly about sex in marriage. And the questions I get tend to come from a negative starting point: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will? Or, like yesterday’s reader question, how can I want sex if I hate my body?
The problem is that the more we focus on these negative things–I have no libido and can’t get in the mood; I can’t have an orgasm; sex is boring—the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!
So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.
And be sure to read down to the end for my special FREE 10-day email reminders to help YOU get in a sexier frame of mind!
Positive Things to Tell Yourself about Sex When You’re Getting Dressed
1. My body was created to feel pleasure.
When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!
Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.
2. My body drives my husband crazy!
When to say this: When you’re drying off or choosing your clothes for the day
Why say this: The most negative we feel about our bodies tends to be when we’re paying attention to it naked. You step out of the shower and you see all the fat rolls you want to ignore. You can’t find anything you feel good in, or you pull on your jeans and see the muffin top. Remind yourself that your husband doesn’t see you this way. He loves seeing your body! He loves enjoying your body. Let his enjoyment matter more than your own vicious self-criticism!
(And what if he criticizes your body? Then read this post instead on what to do when your husband says you’re not attractive!)
Positive Things about Sex to Tell Yourself Early in the Day
3. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!
When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!
Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate sex or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!
4. I can reach orgasm one day. There is nothing wrong with my body!
When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful about sex.
Why say this: If orgasm doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.
A Sex Pep Talk When Your Day Goes Badly
5. I want to laugh together tonight.
When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.
Why say this: Sex is one of the best tension relievers! And sex helps you feel so much closer. If you’re having a bad day–remember, sex can be something that relaxes you and turns your mood around! And when you end up laughing with your husband, everything else seems to fade into the background. And sex can indeed cause a lot of laughter, because it is so personal, that it’s like a little ‘inside joke’ you share.
6. I deserve to feel good tonight.
When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.
Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!
7. I can be a wildcat!
When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.
Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!
Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex When You’re with your Hubby!
8. I love feeling my husband inside me.
When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.
Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!
9. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.
When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.
Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.
When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.
Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?
In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.
Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.
Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!
Do you struggle with thinking positively about sex throughout the day?
I’ve created a FREE 10-day email sequence that gives you prompts throughout the day! Each day you’ll get a quick email with ONE thought to focus on, which will also have some fun ideas to text him and a challenge to put it into practice.
It’s super fun, super easy, and super quick! But it will help your mind focus in a much more positive direction.
>> Yes! I need a pep talk! (Sign Up Here!) <<
Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
It’s a challenge to look forward to sex when you are suffering from a painful pelvic condition that is made worse with sex. I try to look forward to the day when sex won’t be accompanied by intense fear and anxiety, because when you’re afraid of sex, all those issues you mentioned begin to feel magnified. This was a good reminder that as I wait for physical healing, I need to control my thought life regarding our intimate life, and to remember that God’s design for sex isn’t something He means to cause me pain (although it’s all I’ve ever known sex to be!)
I’m so sorry you are going through that! I completely understand. I have Interstitial Cystitis. The pain is sometimes intolerable and my newly married husband and I are no longer able to make love at all without an incredible amount of pain for me. I agree with you that God never wanted it to be painful. I guess we can only have faith that maybe one day we will be healed.
I’m so sorry, Wyn. I’ve been doing some reading on Interstitial Cystitis, because I’ve had a number of readers suffering from it. It sounds awful. It definitely was not what God intended, and I pray that you will find healing.
I agree with Robyn. When sexual dysfunction is present, some of these statements don’t apply or just make me sad. But I agree that taking my thoughts captive is still very important. A few that I have been working on: “God cares about this,” and “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”
Thank you for #1. I stumbled on this blog a little over a year ago looking for help with vaginismus & immediately purchased “A Good Girls Guide”. As simple as it sounds, that concept had never really occurred to me, that God actually created me for the pleasure part of this. That thought gave me the will I needed to keep trying. Sometimes the vaginismus pain still puts me in tears & leaves me feeling defeated, but other times I know I’ve come so far. I had basically given up until I took that one line & owned it.
Oh, Denae! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I totally get it. It was terrible! But I hope that you get over it soon. It took me a little bit, but I’m really totally over it now!
Ok, sort of funny, sort of embarrassing story around #9…
3 (yes, THREE) times in the last six months I have actually fallen asleep during our intimate time. Hubby has taken this as a massive blow to his ego, but I have tried to convince him (because it is true) that me falling asleep is NOT an indication of him being bad in bed…rather it is me being so incredibly tired and then he puts me in such a relaxed state through the tenderness he shows me that I drift off. But I TOTALLY understand how demoralising it would be to be putting your heart into performing oral sex (or anything else sexual) and the person you are performing it on starts snoring! But I pray that some day we will be able to laugh about it together, and that ‘come put me to sleep, honey’ becomes a line I could use that didn’t cause a sting!
Ha! I get it.
I want to add a comment! First time commenting on your blog 🙂
In terms of low libido, I know Testosterone plays a big role, and if it’s low, all you need to do is physical activity/exercise! My fiance and I are highly competitive rowers, and let me tell you how TURNED ON he gets (even me too) after a good rowing work out!!! We work out together and it’s been the best thing!
Testosterone levels rise when you work the big muscles – such as quads and hamstrings….therefore, do some lunges, or squats or stair climbing to get things going! You need to get a hard work out in though, where you’re sweating and heart is pumping, and focus more on working the muscles (using weights), rather than stretching or cardio…and honestly, afterwards you will feel things!! Plus, if you’re wearing a cute spandex outfit in the gym together, he wont be able to stop looking at you and that’ll help too! So you’re not only improving your sex life/libido, but you’ll be getting healthy from exercising too! Just my two cents, from an athlete 🙂
We are struggling so much with intimacy right now. I can’t really remember a time we didn’t struggle, even as a newly-married college age couple. Sex was physically painful for me for the first two years of our marriage and my also husband struggled with pornography and video game addiction. Three children and 9 years later the video game and pornographers addictions are history, praise God(!!), but we are still struggling in the bedroom. By the work of the Holy Spirit husband had grown from a passive person who would hide in the online world to a leader in our home, a father and husband whom God has done so much work in. The Lord has absolutely done a lot of work on me, too, I incredibly imperfect in so many ways. We now have a 7yo, a 4yo and an 18mo, and I started homeschooling the older girls full-time this year. It is still a colossal struggle to have sex. We try to initiate this or that strategy to help us but we keep failing. By failing I mean going weeks and weeks without sex. We’re only 30 years old!! The children and their needs often feel so demanding and relentless that it seems like I’m living with tunnel vision on them just trying to get by. We live in a single wide trailer, our bedroom door is connected to our living room where the kids play and won’t lock, the bathroom shower is too small for intimate fun (we’re not tiny anymore), there is just no privacy for a weekend daytime romp. I can’t leave the littlest child alone for a second if she’s awake that’s for sure. Both sets of our parents are in emotionally abusive relationships and uninterested in babysitting their grandchildren so we can “get away” on an evening date or otherwise, dates happen maybe once every 2 years. We live in a rural area where we have little genuine connections even at our good church, so babysitters are *very* hard to come by. And my husband works 10-11 hours a day in an office so there’s just not a lot of time to work with it feels like, any free time on the weekends is devoted to necessary errands and church. My husband takes a couple days of vacation once a year and I kid you not without fail our children come down with some horrible virus that requires round-the-clock care. Lately the kids are finally in bed at 8:30, we read the Bible as a couple and then my husband binge watches some series on Netflix or Youtube until 2am or later, I fall asleep on the couch at 10pm and crawl back to our bedroom. He comes to our bed after finishing his tv show early morning and occasionally tries to initiate sex. I get frustrated at being touched because I’m beyond exhausted in the middle of sleeping (it’s 2am!!), I have to get up at 5am before the kids. He feels constantly rejected but the only time he will try to initiate sex is late, late at night after I’m asleep and his tv watching has bored him, or the middle of the day on the weekend when I know full well there’s no way we can have sex safely without the little one getting into trouble or our bigger kids unapologetically barging in on us, not to mention there’s just no way I could get into that kind of sex emotionally or enjoy it, there would be no relaxing and enjoying the ride. I want to please him and have some kind healthy sex life, without having to totally disassociate myself from enjoying sex! Four times of week seems like an utter pipe dream. We’re both so frustrated and at a loss. We know there is a disconnect in time management, personal responsibility and boundaries with our kids (ie mom and dad need alone time and not to be interrupted every time they open their mouth or shut their bedroom door. This needs to be a fight because this is absolutely spiritual warfare, but I don’t even know how to fight?! I don’t even know what a healthy sex life looks like. I know I’m failing my husband miserably. I really want to change but I don’t know how in this season of life. How do you have a healthy sexy life with so many things pulling at you? Help! 🙁
Hi Kay!
I’m so so sorry that you’re so tired and stressed. And to do it all with no family support, too, is really rough.
On reading your note, though, one big thing stands out to me. You guys don’t have a bedtime routine. You simply need one. You do. He should not be binge watching TV until 2 in the morning if he works 10-11 hours a day. That’s not healthy. If you’re tired enough that you’re falling asleep on the couch, then you need to be going to bed early. Falling asleep on the couch and then crawling to bed doesn’t work.
So have a long talk with your husband and say that you want to create a bedtime routine. I have a post on how adults need bedtimes, too!
And husbands should NOT be waking their wives up for sex at 2 am. That’s just wrong. In some marriages it may work, if she’s not chronically tired and there aren’t libido issues. But waking someone up means you’re not interested in relationship, but simply on release, and that’s weird.
Also, I know that you say that porn is in the past, but what you’re telling me is a red flag. If he’s staying up long after you’re asleep, and then coming to bed wanting sexual release, I’d just be worried that he’s staying up to watch porn. I don’t mean to make you paranoid again, but that’s often what I see. So I’d have a talk with him too about that.
Your current schedule just isn’t working for you. It doesn’t take much to make a bedtime, and I hope that you guys can do that! If he needs to get up later and watch another hour of TV, fine. But go to bed at the same time for the sake of your relationship!
Thank you so much for replying right away, I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me your view on this. Thank for the advice, we had a big serious talk last night. I can thankfully confirm that porn is not involved at all, just wasting way too much time watching TV and not being willing to have self-control to go to bed early. For as long as I can remember he’s been a night owl and as we’ve grown older I’ve become a morning person. So it’s really put us at odds at bedtime, we never go to bed together and you are correct have no routine. We talked about this at length and how it’s destroying us and I brought up your points, and happily it finally got through to him that things have to change. So I am praying with time we will make going to bed together at a reasonable hour a habit and work towards a healthier lifestyle with God’s help! Thank you again for your words and clarity!