What messages do you tell yourself about sex?
As my longtime readers know, I blog mostly about sex in marriage. And the questions I get tend to come from a negative starting point: how do I jumpstart my libido again after I’ve had a bunch of kids? How do I start seeing it as something fun when it’s become so boring? How can I look forward to sex when I’ve never had an orgasm and I’m starting to doubt I really will? Or, like yesterday’s reader question, how can I want sex if I hate my body?
But here’s the good news: because our sex drives are almost entirely in our heads, we have an amazing weapon! We can deliberately tell ourselves good things, and that can actually change our experience of sex! If we’re lying there during sex, waiting to feel good, and letting our mind wander, nothing will happen. But if we start giving ourselves positive messages, sex will feel so much better–and we’ll feel so much closer to our husbands, too!
So here you go, for Top 10 Tuesday: 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex.
And be sure to read down to the end for my special FREE 10-day email reminders to help YOU get in a sexier frame of mind!
Positive Things to Tell Yourself about Sex When You’re Getting Dressed
1. My body was created to feel pleasure.
When to say this: When you’re in the shower, when you’re on your own throughout the day–just smile to yourself!
Why say this: Sometimes we forget that we exist from the neck down. We tune the rest of ourselves out. Don’t! Pay attention to your body throughout the day, and remember that no matter what shape your body is in, it can still feel wonderful.
2. My body drives my husband crazy!
When to say this: When you’re drying off or choosing your clothes for the day
Why say this: The most negative we feel about our bodies tends to be when we’re paying attention to it naked. You step out of the shower and you see all the fat rolls you want to ignore. You can’t find anything you feel good in, or you pull on your jeans and see the muffin top. Remind yourself that your husband doesn’t see you this way. He loves seeing your body! He loves enjoying your body. Let his enjoyment matter more than your own vicious self-criticism!
(And what if he criticizes your body? Then read this post instead on what to do when your husband says you’re not attractive!)
Positive Things about Sex to Tell Yourself Early in the Day
3. I am going to rock my husband’s world tonight!
When to say this: Throughout the day. Even text it to him!
Why say this: Sometimes we’re insecure. We think our bodies aren’t good enough or that we aren’t good enough. But tell yourself–I’m going to make him feel amazing! And then, tonight, jump him! Be the one to initiate sex or the one to get on top, and see the effect you have on him. It makes you feel powerful–and that helps you feel better about sex!
4. I can reach orgasm one day. There is nothing wrong with my body!
When to say this: Whenever you get depressed or doubtful about sex.
Why say this: If orgasm doesn’t happen, we can often feel hopeless. But there’s nothing wrong with your body. You simply need to learn to relax more and not worry about it too much; concentrate on the pleasure, not the goal; and maybe tweak a little bit what you’re doing. I’ve got a post on that here, and tons in both my books, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex.
A Sex Pep Talk When Your Day Goes Badly
5. I want to laugh together tonight.
When to say this: Throughout the day, whenever you’re stressed.
Why say this: Sex is one of the best tension relievers! And sex helps you feel so much closer. If you’re having a bad day–remember, sex can be something that relaxes you and turns your mood around! And when you end up laughing with your husband, everything else seems to fade into the background. And sex can indeed cause a lot of laughter, because it is so personal, that it’s like a little ‘inside joke’ you share.
6. I deserve to feel good tonight.
When to say this: When you’re exhausted with your children.
Why say this: When we go into “mommy” mode we often think that we can’t escape it. Our libidos are gone. But fight back! If you’re in mommy mode, that’s all the more reason that you need to have great sex tonight. Maybe trying to focus on boosting your libido or on getting excited isn’t working. But try this approach: instead of saying, “he needs to feel close to me”, or “I know sex is important in our marriage”, or “I know I should”, say, “I deserve this!” Because you do! You were created to feel great. And so fight for it. Fight to get out of the mommy funk and feel like a wife again!
7. I can be a wildcat!
When to say this: When you’re bored during the day or you get depressed about routine in your life.
Why say this: Remember that sex can be an antidote to monotony. Instead of letting the monotony in the rest of your life infect your sex life, let your sex life be something that breaks the monotony! Smile to yourself and realize, “even if everyone else sees me as nothing but a busy mom or as a secretary or as a waitress, I can be wild!” And then imagine some wilder things you can do to be more adventurous in bed. It’s a great confidence boost!
Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex When You’re with your Hubby!
8. I love feeling my husband inside me.
When to say this: When you’re going for a walk with your husband or you’re just talking with him.
Why say this: Jumpstart your libido by letting yourself daydream when you’re talking to him! Making love is such an intimate experience, so when you’re with your hubby just talking, remember that “this can go further”, and I like that!
9. I am going to feel so relaxed after this.
When to say this: Earlier in the night, when you’re really tired and you’re thinking that you don’t want sex.
Why say this: Remember–sex puts you to sleep! And so you’ll sleep better. Instead of saying, “not tonight, honey. I’m too exhausted,” say, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
10. I love my husband and I want our marriage to be rock solid.
When to say this: When you’re heading to bed.
Why say this: To remind yourself that sex is more than sex; it’s also making love. And the most precious thing you have on this earth is your marriage–it’s the foundation for everything else. Isn’t it great how sex can cement that relationship?
In short, ladies, get your head out of thinking about your to-do list and all the things that rob you of pleasure, and get your head thinking about all the things that give you pleasure.
Why? Because you’ll sleep better; you’ll have a stronger marriage; you’ll be more relaxed; you’ll feel more confident; and little things won’t bug you as much in your everyday life.
Sex has such tremendous benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to flip that switch and get “in the mood”. So fight back! Tell yourself good things. And see what a difference that will make!
Do you struggle with thinking positively about sex throughout the day?
I’ve created a FREE 10-day email sequence that gives you prompts throughout the day! Each day you’ll get a quick email with ONE thought to focus on, which will also have some fun ideas to text him and a challenge to put it into practice.
It’s super fun, super easy, and super quick! But it will help your mind focus in a much more positive direction.
Now let me know in the comments: what message do YOU have to tell yourself about sex?
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.